One for the ladies: This photo of Joe Biden eating an ice cream cone is pure sex.

October 9, 2014, 12:08 pm

≫ Next: Easy-to-please baby really, really enjoys drinking water.

≪ Previous: Horse enters police station, gives up and leaves after being refused assistance by local law enforcement.

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Calm down, everyone. It's just Joe being Joe. (via Getty Images)

When you exude more animal magnetism than a safari park, even something as simple as a photo of you eating an ice cream cone can become a viral sensation. That's what happened after Joe Biden took a break while campaigning in Portland and stopped into the Salt and Straw for a double scoop in a waffle cone.

*faints* RT @washdems: Welcome to WA, @JoeBiden! (pic via @thisbrokenwheel) pic.twitter.com/zNzas9UMNW

— Seattlish (@seattlish) October 9, 2014

Why's he wearing shades indoors? None of your business. The money is in his hand because the photo was snapped as he was about to pay for the ice cream. This isn't a staged photo. The guy can't help it.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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Easy-to-please baby really, really enjoys drinking water.

October 9, 2014, 12:10 pm

≫ Next: Wasted youth.

≪ Previous: One for the ladies: This photo of Joe Biden eating an ice cream cone is pure sex.

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"Until now, I thought only revenge could slake my thirst! Bring me more of this wet magic!"

Good news, Baby! That magical clear wunderfluid you're enjoying is everywhere! Except California. It's also cheap! Unless you're comparing it to oil or Coca-Cola. Still, for the forseable future, it should be pretty easy to make this kid happy, and when the apocalypse comes, that thirst for water will transform this baby into the warlord of the desert formerly known as America.

All hail Baby King Aich Too Oh, supreme overlord of the Ohio Wasteland.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Wasted youth.

October 9, 2014, 12:48 pm

≫ Next: A Cute Couple Presents: A Successfully Adorable Wes Anderson Parody Pregnancy Announcement

≪ Previous: Easy-to-please baby really, really enjoys drinking water.

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A Cute Couple Presents: A Successfully Adorable Wes Anderson Parody Pregnancy Announcement

October 9, 2014, 2:10 pm

≫ Next: A French Bulldog plays a game of chase with a wild buck and everybody wins.

≪ Previous: Wasted youth.

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Unbeknownst to its family, the baby smoked...through its mother's mouth.

"The Pretentious Presentation of the Uterine Inhabitant" is a short film from Jacqueline Shu and Ben Snyder, a cute young married couple who are about to have their cuteness upstaged by the little Schwartzman or Paltrow that Jacky will give birth to this spring. I'm sure that little fetus has already looked up the word "precocious" and managed to smuggle a vinyl player and the complete Kinks library into her uterus.

Normally, I frown on both Wes Anderson parodies and contrived pregnancy announcements, but this one succeeds because they kept their eye on the ball of being cute in the tone of Wes Anderson, rather than trying to make a lot of jokes that won't work. Also, the dog. Mostly the dog.

I hope they are very happy and raise a very bright child who has a vibrant inner life despite never making any facial expressions.

(by Johnny McNulty)

A French Bulldog plays a game of chase with a wild buck and everybody wins.

October 9, 2014, 2:41 pm

≫ Next: The penis Bugatti, like everything else on the Internet, was a prank.

≪ Previous: A Cute Couple Presents: A Successfully Adorable Wes Anderson Parody Pregnancy Announcement

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What the dog lacks in height, she makes up for with noise.

Whenever wild animals are involved, it's tough to determine when they're playing or not. This buck appears to be having fun with Ellie-Mae the French Bulldog as it yaps at his heels and buzzes around like a 20-pound mosquito. If a deer that size wanted to, it could easily end the game of chase at any time by sending the Frenchie to the vet with an even more busted face.

The woman who shot the video in Nova Scotia says they'd been chasing each other around for thirty minutes before she started filming. So maybe it is a true friendship. Even if one them does so much yakking that the other eventually runs off into the woods for some peace.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

The penis Bugatti, like everything else on the Internet, was a prank.

October 9, 2014, 2:47 pm

≫ Next: In memory of late SNL star Jan Hooks, here are six hours of her sketches.

≪ Previous: A French Bulldog plays a game of chase with a wild buck and everybody wins.

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The car that "pranked the WORLD."

Remember that crazy-expensive Bugatti Veyron onto which some hero of the 99% spray-painted a red dong from yesterday? Seemed too good to be true, right? That's because it was too good to be true. Turns out that's part of an as-yet-unreleased prank video that some pranksters are making to prank people into being totally pranked. 

Here's an Instagram post from the owner of the Bugatti in question:

I tried to embed this, but Instagram pranked me by making it unembeddable.

Spray-painting stuff on cars that you own. What an amazing prank! And we all fell for it because we're all a bunch of prankable suckers! And also because nowadays everything is a prank because anything counts as a prank!

Oh, by the way, on a completely different subject, today I met a dog who wears a baseball hat. Here's a picture he let me take:

"I'm a dog, and I'm really wearing a baseball hat."

Pranked you! That's my dog and my baseball hat! I got you so good! You totally thought that was an actual dog wearing an actual baseball hat, when it turns out it was only a prank dog wearing a prank baseball hat! Pranky prank prinkity prank prank!

Wow! It feels so good to have pranked you like that! What an exhilarating sensation this is! No wonder 96.7 percent of all posts on the Internet are pranks. I totally get it now!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

In memory of late SNL star Jan Hooks, here are six hours of her sketches.

October 9, 2014, 3:17 pm

≫ Next: If you photoshop out the ball in NBA action shots, it looks like people awkwardly failing at high fives.

≪ Previous: The penis Bugatti, like everything else on the Internet, was a prank.

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Jan Hooks, who passed away today at the age of 57 after a long battle with serious illness, was one of the most versatile and hilarious members of the SNL family from 1986-1991, the height of the comeback years following the ill-fated years of 1980-1985 when Lorne Michaels left and Jean Doumanian and Dick Ebersol were the executive producers. Much like her castmate, the late Phil Hartman, Hooks could inhabit an almost unlimited number of roles and impersonations in a way that made you feel like you were watching the character and not the actor. Check out Splitsider's entry on Hooks' time at SNL for more information. In the meantime, enjoy "The Diner" with Alec Baldwin above, and this very long and not-compiled-by-us playlist of Hooks' sketches below.

If you photoshop out the ball in NBA action shots, it looks like people awkwardly failing at high fives.

October 9, 2014, 3:18 pm

≫ Next: An airline passenger made an Ebola joke and a Hazmat party broke out.

≪ Previous: In memory of late SNL star Jan Hooks, here are six hours of her sketches.

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No, no, that's all wrong! (via)

Every day, the Internet learns something new. Today, thanks to the intriguing thought of redditor cjbny on the subreddit r/showerthoughts, the Internet learned that when you take the basketball away, basketball players look like they're just awkwardly failing to high five. This is extra ironic because, being sportsmen, they are all actually awesome at high fives. 

A few redditors took it upon themselves to create masterpieces of b-ball awkwardness, and the important new subreddit r/InvisiBall was born. Thanks for doing us all a favor, guys!

Easy there, Dirk. (via)

Your hand's not even facing the right way! (via)

Start with one hand, dude. Work your way up to two. (via)

Opposite hands might yield a less awkward celebration. (via)

It's really not that hard.(via)

At least no one is watching you fail, ladies. (via)

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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An airline passenger made an Ebola joke and a Hazmat party broke out.

October 9, 2014, 4:19 pm

≫ Next: Good listener.

≪ Previous: If you photoshop out the ball in NBA action shots, it looks like people awkwardly failing at high fives.

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#EbolaFail!

If you haven't already made travel plans for Thanksgiving, you may want to consider Skyping the holidays this year. Because yesterday a US Airways flight from Philadelphia to the Dominican Republic provided everyone with a glimpse of the potential nightmare any trip could become whenever a bonehead cracks an Ebola joke.

The plane was on its way to Punta Cana when an unidentified man sneezed and, according to local media said, "I have Ebola, you are all screwed!" Whether or not anyone laughed isn't clear. What is clear is that the joker didn't have many fans when the plane landed and the announcement was made that everyone's vacation would be delayed while a team modeling this year's most popular Halloween costume boarded the plane to scare the crap out of everyone.

The Ebola Comic was taken to a medical screening area where it was determined that he didn't have a deadly disease, just a sick sense of humor. Hopefully, he's already on the No-Fly List, as well as the No-Jokes List. The rest of the passengers were stuck on the plane for two hours. If nothing else, they all have at least one exciting story to tell about their vacation.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Good listener.

October 9, 2014, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: Same old me.

≪ Previous: An airline passenger made an Ebola joke and a Hazmat party broke out.

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Same old me.

October 10, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: This guy is really regretting giving his wife the "Pitch Perfect" soundtrack for their road trip.

≪ Previous: Good listener.

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This guy is really regretting giving his wife the "Pitch Perfect" soundtrack for their road trip.

October 10, 2014, 5:29 am

≫ Next: Tony Danza

≪ Previous: Same old me.

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The things we'll do to bring joy to the ones we love.

YouTuber Billy Byler posted this little musical medley under the title, "Why did I get her the Pitch Perfect CD for our road trip?"

I don't know, Billy. Perhaps because you like seeing someone you care about experience pure, tuneless happiness?!!!

What's up with the chaotic blackout at the end? You guys okay? If so, get back on the road. We didn't even get to see her finish that coffee and try out the cup song on the dashboard.

(by Bob Powers)

Tony Danza

October 10, 2014, 7:03 am

≫ Next: Tiny Dancer

≪ Previous: This guy is really regretting giving his wife the "Pitch Perfect" soundtrack for their road trip.

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See: Tiny Dancer.

Tiny Dancer

October 10, 2014, 7:04 am

≫ Next: Reply all

≪ Previous: Tony Danza

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See: Tony Danza.

Reply all

October 9, 2014, 12:16 pm

≫ Next: 6 brutally honest improvements to annoying text messages we're all sick of getting.

≪ Previous: Tiny Dancer

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Reply all is an email function that streamlines the process of getting fired.

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6 brutally honest improvements to annoying text messages we're all sick of getting.

October 9, 2014, 1:18 pm

≫ Next: Patient zero.

≪ Previous: Reply all

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There are some common mistakes people make when texting, and they never cease to annoy the crap out of their recipients. But a lot of the time, our intended messages fail simply because we're afraid to text what we really mean. Here are some all too common text message failures that are instantly improved with a brutally honest rewrite.

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Related: 5 Situations When It's Perfectly Okay To Break Up With Someone Via Text Message

(by Bob Powers)

Patient zero.

October 10, 2014, 6:41 am

≫ Next: "Katy Perry will perform at the Super Bowl" is a nice way of saying "A meaningless spectacle will perform at a meaningless spectacle."

≪ Previous: 6 brutally honest improvements to annoying text messages we're all sick of getting.

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"Katy Perry will perform at the Super Bowl" is a nice way of saying "A meaningless spectacle will perform at a meaningless spectacle."

October 10, 2014, 7:24 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 10, 2014

≪ Previous: Patient zero.

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Louis VirtelFri, 10 Oct 2014 10:24:53 EDT

"Katy Perry will perform at the Super Bowl" is a nice way of saying "A meaningless spectacle will perform at a meaningless spectacle."

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 10, 2014

October 10, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: Hero crawls deep into a feces-filled sewer pipe and rescues a litter of puppies.

≪ Previous: "Katy Perry will perform at the Super Bowl" is a nice way of saying "A meaningless spectacle will perform at a meaningless spectacle."

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1. Amazon Continues Pushing Innovation By Bringing Ease Of Online Shopping To Physical Purchasing Location 

Internet-based commerce company Amazon.com has announced its plans to bring the magic of online shopping to the actual world, by opening a sort of physical website—which they're calling a "store"—in the heart of New York City. Innovations like this really illuminate why Amazon has been running traditional brick-and-mortar book stores out of business.

Amazon is opening a real store. I'm going to go, take photos of stuff I want, and then order them from Amaz... wait. http://t.co/WXgUjMDxVE

— Ed Yong (@edyong209) October 9, 2014

2. George Clooney Apologizes To Dorks Of The World For His Bat-Nipples

Actor George Clooney made a surprise appearance at the New York Comic Convention's Tomorrowland panel discussion yesterday. During his time before the audience of geeks, dweebs and nerds, he offered a long-overdue apology for his participation in the worst-ever Batman film, 1997's Batman and Robin. “Yes this is my first Comic-Con,” he told the crowd . “Since my Batman, I'd been disinvited from Comic-Con. I met Adam West back there, it was like, 'Hey, I’m really sorry..sorry about the nipples on the suit.'"

George Clooney just showed up at Comic Con. HAHAHAHA! WHAT A NERD!!!!!

— Ritch Duncan (@ritchied) October 9, 2014

3. Radio Station Dumps Stupid News Format To Provide Houston With 24-Hour Feed Of Beyoncé

A 24-hour news station in Houston, Texas is abandoning its outmoded and useless format in favor of one that is certain to pull in a larger audience of people who still listen to regular radio for some reason. News 92 FM aired its final broadcast on Wednesday, before stepping into the future by starting to play an endless 24-7 stream of Beyoncé music. Nearly fifty employees—none of whom have ever won a Grammy or recorded a duet with Colombian superstar Shakira—lost their jobs.

I would totally go gay for Beyonce. I know she's a straight woman but, like, if she just asked me to, like it would make her happy, sure.

— Dan O'Brien (@DOB_INC) September 27, 2014

4. Marijuana-Laced Soda Literally Exploding With Flavor

Bottles of a new marijuana-infused pomegranate soda from Top Shelf Cannabis have been literally exploding on store shelves in Washington State, where the beverage is now legal. That certainly shows all those people who've been claiming for so many years that pot is totally harmless. You call glass shrapnel in your eyeball harmless, hippy?

If you're not careful, marijuana can make music sound 100 times more fascinating and magical than it already does.

— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) September 27, 2014

5. Scientists Have Figured Out The Exact Right Amount Of Sleep That You're Not Getting 

A new study recently published in the scientific journal Sleep finally puts an end to the debate over how much sleep a healthy person should to be getting every night. For women, it's 7.6 hours, while for men, it's 7.8 hours. If you're getting any more or any less than that, then you are slowly killing yourself.

Happiness Tip: If you're depressed, pretend sleep is time travel.

— Elisha Yaffe (@elishayaffe) October 8, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Hero crawls deep into a feces-filled sewer pipe and rescues a litter of puppies.

October 10, 2014, 5:57 am

≫ Next: Pet peeve.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 10, 2014

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I assume this guy's Nobel Prize is on its way, right?

The search is over. We found him! We finally have some footage of the greatest human being on the face of the Earth in action. I mean, it's got to be this Thai dude who got himself covered in a watery porridge of feces, urine and other forms of filth while crawling more than 300 feet into a sewer pipe to rescue four adorable little puppies who somehow found themselves trapped in that nightmare environment, right? Who could possibly beat him for that distinction?

Just look at the unimaginable insanity this guy put himself through for these dogs:

As much as I would like to believe that I would have climbed in there if I was in this guy's place, I find it much more likely that I'd have hung my head and solemnly declared, "It was these puppies' time to go."

(by Dennis DiClaudio)