Just trying to get that runner's high. (Via Getty Images)

In a brilliant (and drug-fueled) escape, a man running from police attempted to Where's Waldo the cops by hiding himself amongst thousands of other runners in the Chicago Marathon.

Brian Duffy, a Chicago real estate agent, was allegedly digging around some flower pots along the marathon route when he noticed police coming towards him. It was at that moment he realized he had two options: give himself up, or go full on The Fugitive. 

Duffy decided that it would be easier to run a marathon than face authority, so he folded in with the competing runners near the start of the marathon route and quickly took off his jacket to blend in.

It was a true feat of derring-do, but without a giant dam to jump off and escape into oblivion, officers managed to catch up with him and tackle him to the ground. On him they found a bunch of MDMA pills (street name Molly) and arrested Duffy with charges of possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and reckless conduct for putting marathon runners in danger.

It was a short-lived moment of fugitivity, but maybe, with the aid of his illegal substances, it felt like this:

(by Myka Fox)

It's the Twerkonomy, stupid!

Sick of your dead-end job? Looking for that sure-fire Plan B? Well, have you considered launching a hit Vine account featuring nothing but six-second Twerking clips?

In perhaps the first known instance of "I make $2000 a day working at home" comment spam come to life, Jessica Vanessa is a former kindergarten teacher who's achieved the American dream: Earning six figures by making her ass have spasmodic fits on-camera:

Jessica's twerking Vines soon earned her 2 million followers, and according to Fox43, the money comes from advertisers paying her cash to mention their products. 

Not exactly sure how that works out. "Make sure that in between ass-bounce 3 and ass-bounce 4 you shout, 'Use Pledge for tough stains!'"

Here's Jessica's twerk-to-riches story on Barcroft TV...

So quit wasting time begging for endorsements on LinkedIn and acting all "I'm not looking but sure you can hire me if you want, whatevs" on Poachable. And start making your ass do stuff. The Apple Watch and ass tricks: these are the only consumer products America still leads the world in, and you can bet Samsung is trying to get in on the ass tricks market with a quickness.

(by Bob Powers)

And the award for "Most Cop-Looking Cop" goes to...

Gavin Seim, a man in Grant County, Washington pulled over an unmarked police vehicle to perform, well, not a citizen's arrest, but perhaps a "citizen's warning." Which is awesome. I'll go into it more below, but basically police cars are supposed to be marked as such so that a.) people don't flee the strange car chasing them and b.) so criminals can't pretend to be cops, pull people over and rape and murder them. So, you know, I'm supportive of enforcing that law. The video is long but really the first 5 minutes, and specifically minutes 3-5 are the most important.

The officer here is Deputy Canfield and to his credit, he is polite (if frustrated) throughout the entire encounter. At issue here is a 1975 law that states that police vehicles must be marked unless they are specifically approved for undercover operations, or are performing a non-essential traffic role like leading cars through a construction zone. It does not apply to cars that might pull you over for the two very good reasons I mentioned above.

And the award for "Most Libertarian-Looking Libertarian" goes to... (via)

Gavin Seim is a "liberty speaker" from Washington state with libertarian views who ran for Congress briefly this year as a Republican. I have a feeling he and I would disagree on a lot of things (although that feeling mostly comes from the foaming-at-the-mouth commenters on his Facebook posts, who sound more like Sovereign Citizens than libertarians), but I like what he's made his mission: challenging laws he sees as illegal, and challenging law enforcement to obey the law themselves. He's made himself a vital nuisance to local government, and is known on a first-name basis by local police, who have apparently been briefed on how to deal with him. You can check out more on his blog.

We BLEW UP the conversation about unmarked cars. Over 100,000 views in the first 48 hours. Conversations work! http://t.co/BdW5sTvUsx

— GavinSeim (@gavinseim) October 14, 2014

Maybe he should try being a nuisance to Ferguson and St. Louis police. Seems like they could use the help and he could improve the image of libertarians at the same time.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Don't attempt this without waiting a half an hour after eating.

This sick BASE jump from one skyscraper into the pool of another was made off the Menara Kuala Lumpur Tower in Malaysia, which stands 1,300 feet tall and seems to have a pretty chill policy when it comes to roof access. The leap makes for a pretty epic video, and an even better party entrance, with very little room for error. One stiff breeze and the guy could've easily landed on a table full of drinks.

What's crazy is that epic stunts like this have become so common that by the time the second guy hits the water, half the people at the party are like, "Yeah, we just saw a guy do that."

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This cat has no idea her owner [sounds like he] is the Jeff Goldblum!

This guy has no idea he sounds exactly like Jeff Goldblum. He just wanted to make a video describing his ambidextrous cat Scoop's talent at scooping her food out of her bowl one delicious morsel at a time. But the Internet is always on the lookout for Jeff Goldblum, and when they find him (or rather, someone who sounds like him), they spread the word. 

Now all we need to do is get this guy to keep making videos. The first step is just asking.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Bad teachers. 
(Screencap via WDSU 6 News)

That high school kid who anonymously (to everyone outside of his school district) made news a couple weeks ago for getting two teachers arrested after bragging to his whole school about having had a threesome with them when he was sixteen? Yeah, he feels real bad about that.

According to the Daily Mail, the boy's grandfather says his blabbermouth grandson regrets having spilled the beans, potentially sending his mentors in carnal knowledge to prison.

"He feels really bad," the grandfather told Daily Mail. "These women have families and he knows how terrible it is for them. He knows they will never be able to teach again and could very well go to prison.

"He just wishes the whole thing had never happened. It's a shocking thing — a real shock for all of us — when you have teachers who should be educating doing this instead."

Not to cast doubt on his remorse, but we know what high school's like. Saying how bad you feel about something you already bragged about is just an underhanded way to keep bragging about it to anyone who hasn't heard about it yet. Why else did the grandfather go to the UK's Daily Mail with his grandson's quote. The kid was probably unsure about whether the news of his affair had made it overseas and he wanted to jump on the international news cycle.

The Daily Mail reports that one of the teachers, Rachel Respess, 24, had only moved to the Louisiana town two weeks prior to her relationship with the under-age braggart, having just moved out of her parents' house. 

So there you go, parents. Your kids are in the hands of 20-somethings who've just barely moved out of their parents' houses.

Respess and partner in terrible judgment, Shelley Dufresne, 32, are facing charges of carnal knowledge of a juvenile and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. 

(by Bob Powers)

We could write literally anything here and you wouldn't read it so we decided not to bother.

Gone Girl is a date movie for couples who don't want to make conversation on the way home.

1. Catholic Church Reluctantly Sort Of Accepts Gay People In Hopes World Will Sort Of Accept It

Now that the world is slowly growing increasingly tolerant of gay people and decreasingly tolerant of the Catholic Church's intolerance of gay people, an assembly of bishops at the Vatican has issued a document calling for the church to be slightly more accepting of LGBT parishioners, as well as divorced people and children who were unlucky enough to be born into a family made up of these grotesque sinners. After all, did not Jesus teach us to kind of love our neighbors with conditions specified by dogma?

Catholic Church being more tolerant of gays; hopefully now other gay institutions will start being more tolerant of gays.

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) October 13, 2014

2. Kim Jong-un—Or Mannequin Resembling Him—Observed In Public

After weeks of speculation about the North Korean leader's health, Kim Jong-un—or a cleverly manufactured facsimile of him—was photographed in public earlier today offering "field guidance" to Pyongyang officials. The mannequin, doppelgänger or actual leader of the nation was carrying a cane, which would lend credence to rumors that Kim had broken his ankle and was not devoured by a pack of the North Norean military's hungry dogs. 

No one's seen or heard from Kim Jong Un in weeks-- he must have signed with my agent.

— ⚡David Angelo⚡ (@MrDavidAngelo) October 11, 2014

3.  They've Found A Bad Guy For 'Captain America 3' — It's Some Obscure Marvel Character Named Iron Man 

Robert Downey, Jr. has been confirmed as the co-star of the next Captain America sequel, and he'll most likely be filling one of the film's antagonist roles. This is apparently part of a 'civil war' over a Superhero Registration Act—which Downey's Tony Stark/Iron Man supports and Steve Rogers/Captain America opposes—that's being adapted from Marvel's comic books. Downey's quixotic comments on The Late Show with David Letterman last week suddenly make a lot more sense now.

Since the sequel Robert Downey Jr. is joining isn’t Back To School 2, I don’t give a shit.

— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) October 14, 2014

4. Your Bad Life Decisions Can Continue On With Loved Ones After Your Death Thanks To Disgusting New Tattoo Procedure

A Dutch entrepreneur is offering a way for your friends and family to remember the bad decisions you made during the course of your life well after you've passed away. All you have to do is instruct his Holland-based company to flay the skin on which you chose to tattoo a Calvin/Hobbes/Ziggy three-way from your corpse and he'll preserve it for your grandchildren's' grandchildren to admire with solemn reverence.

I don’t get the phrase, “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 9, 2014

5. Chris Brown Has Figured Out The Government's Evil Ebola Scheme

R&B star Chris Brown has solved the puzzle that is the recent outbreak of Ebola virus, and it's just as unnecessarily conspiratorial as we all thought it probably was:

I don't know ... But I think this Ebola epidemic is a form of population control. Shit is getting crazy bruh.

— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) October 13, 2014

Brown was quickly criticized for his opinion by R&B star Chris Brown, who tweeted:

Let me shut my black ass up!

— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) October 13, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Mockery is a dish best served warmed at 220 degrees and paired with a crisp Chardonnay.
(Via Getty Images)  

Do not get on M. Diddy's bad side, or she will give you a six-page serving of mockery à la mode. 

Only last month, legendary perfectionist and entrepreneur Martha Stewart slammed Gwyneth Paltrow for being a talentless wanna-be when quoted in Net-a-Porter as saying, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart." 

This month, she is taking her homemade feud further by publishing a six-page spread in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living entitled "Conscious Coupling," in which Martha innocently pairs crusts with their perfect fillings. 

(Martha Stewart Living)

The title of the article is a deliberate attack on Paltrow, a metaphorical monogrammed handkerchief provided to wipe our mouths from Paltrow's ridiculously self-described "conscious uncoupling" divorce from Chris Marten.

Even though her intentions of mockery are as clear as her crystal egg geodes, Stewart serves up more vitriol in the first paragraph, writing, "Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having."

Its hard to say, beyond Patrow's eye-roll worthy announcement of it, why Stewart is harping on her divorce, especially since Stewart herself was divorced in 1990. Shouldn't that make them something of a pair? Perhaps, to the stalwart Stewart, this is just one more way Paltrow is 25 years behind.

The Goopster, on the other hand, is "psyched" about all the attentions she is getting from her lifestyle hero. While speaking at Fortune's Most Powerful Women Summit on Tuesday, she acknowledged the disparagement saying, "No one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I'm shocked and devastated. I'll try to recover." After letting her sarcasm register, she continued by adding, "If I'm really honest, I'm so psyched that she sees us as competition. I really am." 

Does Stewart really see Paltrow as a challenge to her throne, or, like the queens that have come before her, is she just letting her followers eat perfectly paired pie?

(by Myka Fox)

"I've made a huge mistake." (via)

If you live outside the world of the mainstream media in the safety of a universe without global warming, evolution, or people who actually deserve unemployment benefits, you already know what I'm about to tell you: the liberal media is plotting to give you Ebola. Unlike all those other things, however, this is also true (except for the plotting part) in the world everyone else lives in.

To be clear: A surgeon for heads and necks, not a surgeon who is only a head and neck.

NBC recently sent its chief medical correspondent, Dr. Nancy Snyderman, to West Africa to report on the Ebola outbreak and crisis there. While they were there, an American freelance cameraman contracted the disease. As a result, the entire NBC crew that returned to America agreed to a voluntary quarantine for 21 days, which runs out on Oct. 22. The infected cameraman was flown separately to a US facility equipped to handle the disease.

Unfortunately, readers of Planet Princeton, a local blog for the town of Princeton, NJ, spotted Dr. Snyderman making a take-out food run. She was seen sitting in her car while a man with her got out and went into the Peasant Grill. There was also another man sitting in the back of her black Mercedes.

Although NBC has not confirmed that the violator was Dr. Snyderman, she issued an apology read by Brian Williams at the end of last night's Nightly News, emphasizing that she and her crew had no symptoms and that they understand the quarantine is now mandatory.

And that quarantine is mandatory, since it is now being directly enforced by the Princeton Police Department and Health Department.

So, there you have it: the lamestream media is trying to infect you with Ebola so you'll lay down and submit to the authorities...who actually won't come near you because you have Ebola.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Does this look like a man who has sex with cars? Yep.

Whatever shame you may be feeling about your freaky sex fetish you keep locked away in the dark corner of your brain, prepare to feel a little better about yourself. Unless your sex fantasies involve having sexual relations with cars. If that's the case, you can at least take some comfort knowing that you're not alone. You're still a freak, but at least you have Edward Smith to lean on. He's the guy who went on TV recently to claim that he's not only into "having sex" with automobiles, but that he's "been with" over 700 of them. Basically, he's jerking off on cars.

Smith appeared on the British talk show This Morning to discuss his fetish. What might be even more odd than the fact that he's into cars is how comfortable he is talking about it on television. He told the hosts that his love of cars began when he was a child and that he "lost his virginity" to a Volkswagen Beetle when he was a teenager. He's currently in love with his "long term girlfriend," a white Bug named Vanilla. So typical that even a dude who has sex with cars is into German blondes.

Smith says the "sex" doesn't involve actual penetration. You know, because that would be weird. He just loves to cuddle and caress the vehicles... before masturbating on them.

So, if you live in the Seattle area and have been baffled as to how semen ever got on your car, you may have your answer. Also, don't ever buy a used car from Edward Smith.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Not the hero we need right now, but he's the only one with the cash.(Via Getty)

You might be sick of your personal Facebook information being sold to advertisers, but those sales might have just saved the human goddamn race.

While for the rest of us, our "Fight The Spread Of Ebola" plan amounts to little more than not making out with quite as many randos, Mark Zuckerberg just stepped up to the plate and pledged a big pile of the money he made off of our Facebook activity to the CDC. $25 million, to be exact.

Zuckerberg announced his donation earlier today in a Facebook post:

"The Ebola epidemic is at a critical turning point," he wrote. "It has infected 8,400 people so far, but it is spreading very quickly and projections suggest it could infect 1 million people or more over the next several months if not addressed."

The post continues, "We believe our grant is the quickest way to empower the CDC and the experts in this field to prevent this outcome."

The grant doesn't come directly from Facebook, but from Zuckerberg's donor-advised fund at the Silicon Valley Community Foundation. But that fund would never have existed had you not thrown away much of the last few years of your life on Facebook.

What this means for you: Dicking around on Facebook all day is helping prevent the human race from being eliminated. Every time you like a book or a TV show or you fill in another part of your personal profile for advertisers to exploit, you're putting another dime in Zuckerberg's pocket, and a tiny fraction of that dime gets sent to the front lines of the fight against a plague that's growing stronger every day.

In short, your dead-eyed scrolling and clicking all day long puts you on the front lines of the fight against Ebola. Thank you for your bravery. You will not be forgotten.

(by Bob Powers)

Brown v. Board of Education marks the last time anyone fought to get into a Kansas public school.

Dude on the right is clearly a cat person.

"Dog on the field! Dog on the field!" ...is what I would start screaming if I were one of the handful of fans being bored to tears by a non-World Cup soccer match knotted up at 0-0 after 42 minutes, and an adorable black lab ran onto to the field looking for some love. Hell, even if it was a World Cup match, when a dog inserts himself into a soccer game, even the most clueless American understands what's going on for a few delightful minutes. 

The lab seemed to have a pretty good understanding of the role dogs play in international soccer matches; run around for a minute or two, then flop to the ground for a few belly rubs before being carried off.

At least she exited the game without making a stink. Unlike this guy:

Not cool. If more dogs acted like that, people might actually start closing the stadium doors, and dogs would find themselves stuck at home watching the game on TV.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Sigmund Freud was the father of psychoanalysis, so you should kill him and have sex with the mother of psychoanalysis.

You'd be misunderstood too if every time you tried to talk a spider crawled in your mouth. 
(Via Broward Sheriff's Office)

Sometimes it isn't so bad being misunderstood. Say, for example, if you were robbing a bunch of beach-goers, you might want to be misunderstood as someone innocent.

Jonathan Warrenfeltz, 24, was so desperate to be understood, he tattooed "Misunderstood" in cursive across his forehead after being released from prison on February 1st. No room for misunderstanding here, this guy is super crazy. 

And I don't say he's crazy because of his super crazy face tats, though that would be fair, but also because he took his super crazy face tats to the beach and robbed people in the light of day. 

According to the reports, Misunderstood Warrenfeltz, his friend Joshua Zeaya, and two women (super crazy identifiable face tats are such a major turn on) went to Florida's Dania Beach where they held up five people at gunpoint. They made off with $1500 worth of property, then raced off to a motel 6, made a wrong turn, and inexplicably threw the stolen stuff out of the car along the way.

"After the [suspects] took off they started throwing property out of the vehicle until they reached Motel 6," Detective Marcos Toledo explained the trip to the Sun Sentinal. They didn't find the rifle, but a search of the vehicle found the victims' credit cards, wallets and a backpack.

And the most damning evidence? No prizes if you guess this one right. Seven witnesses identified him by his tattoo of the word "misunderstood" written on his head in cursive. 

He held up five people, was identified by seven. 

Police caught up with him in 30 minutes. That means Warrenfeltz robbed some people on a beach, took a wrong turn during his getaway, left stolen items behind as he went, and was caught by police in less time than it takes to get a pizza delivered. 

He is now being held in jail without bond and is facing a separate cocaine charge later this week, but at least he is very, very well understood.

(by Myka Fox)

In case you were worried, no, the sound is not coming out of his mouth.

Well, "discovered" may not be the right word, but America just celebrated Columbus Day, so we clearly don't give a flying hoot about what "discovered" means. This is Cory Williams of Anchorage, Alaska, and he is an excited man. If you have access to a body of water and you live in a region that experiences winter, I highly recommend trying skipping stones across the ice. If you watch this with your eyes closed, you might think the sound was molten metal or molten glass being poured into cold water, or perhaps a high-tension wire being knocked around. It's not. It's just a pond. Except for the sound at 4:37. That is a much different sound entirely.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a gif of him reacting to his fart. 

This has led to him being compared to a fun dog, and also Andy from Parks and Rec.

If you recognize Cory, it's because he was known as Mr. Safety when he was one half of the now-defunct SMPFilms YouTube channel, which dissolved along with his romantic relationship to his costar, Kathleen Elliot, aka Katers17 (the channel survived his previous divorce from Stephanie Roby, aka SMPLady). The channel's biggest hit was inarguably "The Mean Kitty Song."

Everyone in the SMP 'verse seemed to drop off the map for a few years after that, but since he moved to Alaska, Cory now vlogs under the name DudeLikeHELLA. He certainly seems pretty happy now with his life of being excited by simple noises in the Alaskan wilderness. Sounds pretty good to me.

(by Johnny McNulty)