This is how most of us wish we could resolve office fights.

October 16, 2014, 4:59 pm

≪ Previous: UPDATE: Police released a photo of the stuffed horse toy victim of the Walmart masturbator.

"I meant everything I said."

We all need to apologize after fights, sometimes because we were wrong but a lot of the time because they're coworkers or something else necessary like a spouse and you just have to keep the place moving. A lot of time, though, we feel like Tim as he levels with Ben about what was really going on in their last fight.

This is the 9th episode in the second season (which just went live this week) of Above Average's office webseries Cubed, written by and starring Benjamin Apple.

(by Johnny McNulty)

↧

Big update.

October 16, 2014, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: 17 people who are way too drunk to be texting right now.

≪ Previous: This is how most of us wish we could resolve office fights.

↧

17 people who are way too drunk to be texting right now.

October 17, 2014, 4:28 am

≫ Next: Sorry not sorry.

≪ Previous: Big update.

Getting drunk on babies leaves you with the cutest hangover ever. (Via)

It's time we gave praise to the drunxt. The embarrassing, typo-laden drunk text is a celebration of the human condition. While the rest of the world is relying on auto-correct to fill their texts with humiliating mistakes, the drunxter is shouting against the mechanized future that a human being doesn't need a computer's help to achieve embarrassment. We can do it with nothing more than an unhealthy amount of booze and a slippery thumb.

We all do Emily. Sometimes in celebration, others in "might as well drink." (Via)

When it's hard to tell if it's Halloween or you're just drunk, you're too drunk. (Via)

So wonderful when language barriers fall away. (Via)

Should someone who still has Barbies also have access to absinthe? (Via)

This one wins the award for "playing along." (Via)

Nothing gets easier without a little bit of blood gushing down your chin. (Via)

Call me crazy, but I think this lady might be in possession of a glowstick. (Via)

Um, real acool dudees usually don't go around bragging about it. (Via)

Sometimes "Please don't die" is the only thing you can ask a person. (Via)

Is this the first live-text of a hurl? (Via)

At least if she's with her coworkers she not in danger of texting them. (Via)

To be fair, a lot of moms don't text much better than this when sober. (Via)

If this didn't end in a firing, I want to work there. (Via)

Place the phone on the ground and let the spins do their work. Vomiting will fix everything.
(Via)

Thank you for calling me dentally, Nick. (Via)

The nerds are taking over Wicca now? What's next, Satanism? (Via)

(by Bob Powers)

↧

Sorry not sorry.

October 17, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: This guy's Craigslist ad seeks a fertile, healthy woman to help repopulate the earth after Ebola kills us all.

≪ Previous: 17 people who are way too drunk to be texting right now.

↧

This guy's Craigslist ad seeks a fertile, healthy woman to help repopulate the earth after Ebola kills us all.

October 17, 2014, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Giant butt plug takes over Paris.

≪ Previous: Sorry not sorry.

Man seeking equally terrified woman. (screengrab via Boston.com)

Someone posted an ad to the Boston Craigslist this week titled "Escape the Apocalypse with me." The 36-year-old male claimed to be seeking a woman who would run away with him now to his shelter and help him repopulate the planet when the Ebola epidemic was all over.

(via Boston.com)

The ad reads:

Ebola is about to break loose in America. It's already in Dallas and Atlanta. Boston will be its next stop I am sure and soon airplanes, taxis, and the T will not be safe. Don't wait for it to be too late. I have been prepping for about 10 years in the Vermont mountains and have a hidden sustainable bug out shelter well off the grid and completely self sufficient. I only fear that by going there now, alone, I will emerge in 10-15 years to find humanity has succumbed to this modern day plague and I will have no way to keep the species going.

Sadly, the ad has since been taken down by Craigslist, and Boston.com has confirmed that it was written by a prankster who is "not actually looking to meet anyone." The guy, who is married with kids, wouldn't reveal his name, but said his post was a response to the fear-mongering on FoxNews.com and similar websites.

The good news is that this guy has the right idea: nothing brings out the promiscuity in people like their imminent deaths. The bad news is that instinct may be counteracted by a fear of exchanging deadly bodily fluids. Your best bet is probably to keep that bug out shelter to yourself. And as always, avoid meeting people on Craigslist.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

↧

Giant butt plug takes over Paris.

October 17, 2014, 7:22 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 17, 2014

≪ Previous: This guy's Craigslist ad seeks a fertile, healthy woman to help repopulate the earth after Ebola kills us all.

Paris is so artsy fartsy. (Via Twitter)

Ahhh, gay Pair-ee. A city famous for it's dedication to class, refinement, formality, and now, a giant green butt plug.

American artist Paul McCarthy erected (lol) this 80-foot inflatable ode to anal stimulation in the Place Vendome, claiming it to be a Christmas tree, and anyone who believes that is smoking trees.

This thing does not nearly look as much like a Christmas tree as it does a "stocking stuffer."

Here's a little test. Butt plug or Christmas tree?

Christmas tree!

Ok, that was an easy one. What about this?

Christmas tree?

Hard to say, right? It looks so much like a Christmas tree, but(t) it is actually a butt plug! This is "The Assifier," and you can get one for yourself for $11.95 retail.

The French are not so easily duped. They know their plugs, and they are pissed.

Un sex toy géant de 24 m de haut va être installé ces jours-ci place Vendôme Contribuables, voilà où vont vos impôts! pic.twitter.com/zl76ar8qE2
— Printemps Français (@nelachonsrien) October 15, 2014

Translation: "A sex toy giant 24m high will be installed these days Taxpayers Place Vendome, this is where your tax dollars are going!"

And don't go thinking McCarthy is getting a bum (lol) rap. He's done this before.

This is a sculpture he put up in Rotterdam.

Won't you ride his sleigh tonight? (Via)

It is supposed to be Santa holding a tree, but it is most commonly referred to as the "Butt Plug Gnome."

And this is an inflatable installation McCarthy dumped in Hong Kong titled "Complex Pile."

It's poop. (Via Getty Images)

I think it is safe to say our Los Angeles artist is anally fixated.

The giant butt plug Christmas tree is staying up through November, and if the parisians don't like it, it appears they know where they can stick it.

(by Myka Fox)

↧

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 17, 2014

October 17, 2014, 7:38 am

≫ Next: Don't say nay.

≪ Previous: Giant butt plug takes over Paris.

1. Obama Appoints An Ebola Czar Who Will Hopefully Hopefully Not Have A Very Long Reign

Despite the relatively low number of actual Ebola cases in the United States, the virus has been garnering sufficient enough headlines to force President Obama to appoint former Chief of Staff to the Vice President Ron Klain as the nation's first Ebola czar. Hopefully, he'll be a little more successful than the drug czar and the Guantanamo closure czar.

I'm worried an Ebola Czar might conflict with the Swine Flu Kaiser and the Premier of Colds, then it will be years of trench foot warfare.
— STEVE HUFF (@SteveHuff) October 17, 2014

2. World Series Will Pit San Francisco Giants Against Kansas City Royals, So You're Now Officially Excused From Watching It

San Francisco Giants first baseman Travis Ishikawa ended last night's playoff game against the St. Louis Cardinals with a home run that sent three players across home plate and propelled his team into a World Series contest against the Kansas City Royals, who have not made it to the championship games in nearly three decades. This is good news for both winning teams, but great news for everyone else, who are now relieved of the burden of wondering if a team they care about in the slightest might win the World Series.

Giants vs. Royals in a Spring Training rematch! #CactusLeagueFoes
— Steven BRODY Stevens (@BrodyismeFriend) October 17, 2014

3. Apple Unveils iPads So Thin, There's Practically No Reason To Buy Them

Apple presented its two new iPads to the world yesterday, boasting the tablets' remarkably new thin proportions. At $6.1 millimeter wide, both sizes of the iPad 2 Air just barely meet the qualifications for tangible existence.

Apple's new iPad is so thin that it's parents are getting really, really worried.
— Boisterous Coconuts (@asterios) October 16, 2014

4. Upcoming Ron Howard Film Reminds Humanity Why It's Best To Stay On Land

Film director Ron Howard is remaking his classic film Apollo 13 as In the Heart of the Sea, except with a doomed Nantucket-based whaleship instead of a doomed NASA space capsule, a pissed-off sperm whale instead of equipment failure and super-depressing cannibalism instead of engineering knowhow.

If a whale ever saw itself in a mirror, it would be all like, "whaaaat the fuuuuck?! That mirror is HUGE!"
— Indie Claws (@Skullcat) October 15, 2014

5. Warner Bros. Magically Transforming 42-Page 'Harry Potter' Book Into Epic Movie Trilogy

Warner Bros. has announced that it is somehow adapting J.K. Rowling's 42-page, mostly narrative-free Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them into at least three blockbuster fantasy films based in the Harry Potter universe. On the plus side, Rowling will be writing the screenplays herself, so even if they're bad, they'll at least be canon.

has anyone already come up with a "2 Legit 2 Quidditch" t-shirt for people who don't like magic, harry potter, or fun? (but do like shirts?)
— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) September 9, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

↧

Don't say nay.

October 17, 2014, 7:54 am

≫ Next: Why Am I Trending? Jude Law

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 17, 2014

↧

Why Am I Trending? Jude Law

October 17, 2014, 8:00 am

≫ Next: A

≪ Previous: Don't say nay.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

"Why Am I Trending?" gives voice to the people, organizations, and events that are trending topics right now, so they can explain why everyone is talking about them.

Allow me to #impregnate you. (Getty)

Hello. My name is Jude Law, and I'm trending because I've just announced that I'm expecting my fifth child.

There comes a time in every man's life when he needs to think about his legacy. How will the world remember me? I will, of course, be remembered for my exquisite cheekbones, my razor sharp jaw, and the way a suit hangs back bashfully from my pectoral muscles, not wanting to obscure them. Also, I'm an actor, so my films will remain forever as a safeguard against the long shadow of time. (Except maybe for Alfie.)

But a man's greatest legacy is his children. Yes, there's Rafferty, my eldest, and his siblings Rudy and Iris, by my ex-wife Sadie. And of course there's their half-sister Sophia, the result of a dalliance with model Samantha. But do any of them really have the strength of character to carry on the Law family name? Am I truly expected to put my dynasty in the hands of a child called Rafferty?

I'm 41 years old. And while it's true that I only become more attractive with each passing year—every deepening line in my forehead somehow enhancing instead of detracting from my perfect face—I am not getting any more virile. Which is probably a good thing, because if I was more virile, I might spontaneously combust.

My point is, I have no choice but to spread my DNA like so many dashing British dandelion seeds in the wind. Sometimes they land on the fertile ground, and sometimes they land in the uterus of 23-year-old singer-songwriter Cat Cavelli. The rabble will no doubt joke that I should learn to use condoms, as if my sperm couldn't charm their way past a flimsy piece of rubber.

I have no time for their jokes. I'm too busy impregnating the most beautiful women on the planet.

May my name never die,

Jude

↧

A

October 17, 2014, 8:01 am

≫ Next: Scissors

≪ Previous: Why Am I Trending? Jude Law

A was the 19th century's Ashley Madison.

↧

Scissors

October 17, 2014, 8:57 am

≫ Next: Couple gets stuck together while doing sex in the ocean, ends up in hospital.

≪ Previous: A

Scissors beats paper and wanton kindergarteners running down the hall.

↧

Couple gets stuck together while doing sex in the ocean, ends up in hospital.

October 17, 2014, 9:00 am

≫ Next: This guy just discovered he's been crapping wrong his whole entire life.

≪ Previous: Scissors

So happy to be stuck with you.

Making love can be an experience that bonds a couple together permanently.

For most, this bond is metaphorical, but In the case of an Italian couple who expressed their passion in the ocean off Porto San Giorgio, it's distressingly literal. According to The Local, after the couple completed their act of passion, they could not disengage from one another. Somehow, the underwater-ness of it all caused a suction effect, and the man could not pull himself free.

That's one way to keep a man.

The two remained in a state of submerged coitus until they were discovered by a woman walking along the beach, at which point they did their best to cooperate three-legged-race style up the sand where the woman offered them a towel.

A doctor was called, but they ended up at the hospital so that the woman could be given an injection "usually used to dilate the uterus of pregnant women," says The Local.

You would think they would have found a more natural solution when the man deflated, so to speak, but no such luck. Apparently, this guy is a shower, not a grower.

(by Myka Fox)

↧

This guy just discovered he's been crapping wrong his whole entire life.

October 17, 2014, 9:14 am

≫ Next: Boo-ze.

≪ Previous: Couple gets stuck together while doing sex in the ocean, ends up in hospital.

Nice technique! (via)

There's a sub on Reddit called r/TIFU, which stands for "today I fucked up." It's a place for people to unload embarrassing stories about themselves. The board is full of embarrassing sexual encounters, social awkwardness and tons of drunken misadventures. As you'd expect, regular readers of the posts aren't shocked by much. But yesterday, redditor jaydogsmith posted a confession titled "TIFU by using a toilet wrong my entire life" that left some of most jaded people on the planet scratching their heads.

Now you're wondering how wrong could a guy be about using the toilet? Very wrong, it turns out.

"So I'm hoping a load of people are going to come out in support of me here but I've got that sinking feeling I may be alone in this.
Our toilet broke so I was in shopping for new ones and the sales person joked (no doubt for the millionth time) that I'll want one that automatically puts the seat down after I'm finished with it. I 'joked' back and said if I didn't have a wife I could save money and not buy one with a seat and I'd never have to hear women complaining about putting it down again. To which he gave me a strange look and said "but what about when you need to poop?". I naturally pointed out that I'm a guy and therefore don't put the seat down, I sit on the rim of the bowl. Several embarrassing moments later, I realize that I've misunderstood my entire life and that guys do indeed use the toilet seat. I left empty handed and red faced.
Thinking about it now, it makes sense. Especially how men's restrooms have seats. But I just assumed it was a unisex/cost saving/oversight deal."

As traumatic as it must have been for jaydogsmith to discover he'd been defecating wrong his entire life, at least now he can enjoy a decent crap like a civilized adult.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

↧

Boo-ze.

October 17, 2014, 10:20 am

≫ Next: This guy's mom worked at a box factory when he was growing up, so he had the best homemade Halloween costumes ever.

≪ Previous: This guy just discovered he's been crapping wrong his whole entire life.

↧

This guy's mom worked at a box factory when he was growing up, so he had the best homemade Halloween costumes ever.

October 17, 2014, 10:24 am

≫ Next: This lamb and her baby rhino companion have learned to set aside their differences.

≪ Previous: Boo-ze.

"Let's save that beautiful artwork for your costume fridge, sweetie."

Every great homemade Halloween costume starts with a box, and Redditor Dullydude's mom worked at the source of all boxes—a box factory—so she could "pull some strings" to get him any box he needed. Considering how important boxes are when you're a kid (and always), he was no doubt the envy of all his classmates. It helps that his mom and dad were also extremely creative and artistically talented. Otherwise he might have ended up going as a spooky, scary box every year. Actually, that may end up being my costume this year.

These costumes reflect some great parenting. Not only are they cheaper than store-bought costumes, but they also don't allow Dullydude the use of his arms, which presumably made it easier to steal his candy.

Let it be known that that's real popcorn.

"All layers spun independently."

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

↧

This lamb and her baby rhino companion have learned to set aside their differences.

October 17, 2014, 11:14 am

≫ Next: Unhealthy attitude.

≪ Previous: This guy's mom worked at a box factory when he was growing up, so he had the best homemade Halloween costumes ever.

When Lammie met Gertjie.(via)

Who doesn't love video clips of unlikely animal pals? Heartless monsters, that's who. The rest of us can't seem to get enough of them. The latest clip of unlikely animal love features Gertjie the baby rhino and her lamb companion, Lammie. They were introduced to each other at the Hoedspruit Endangered Species Centre in South Africa, and became best pals with a little help from caring humans and a really sturdy fence.

Unlikely animal pal videos are one of the greatest things about the Internet. Dogs befriending raccoons; monkeys and cats finding love; lions, tigers and bears palling around like they were frat bros. Seeing wildly different animals hitting it off gives us all hope that maybe one day even humans will learn to get along. That's never going to happen, but at least people are less likely to kill each other while watching cute animal videos.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

↧

Unhealthy attitude.

October 17, 2014, 11:56 am

≫ Next: Too soon.

≪ Previous: This lamb and her baby rhino companion have learned to set aside their differences.

↧

Too soon.

October 17, 2014, 11:59 am

≫ Next: Watch an entire beach house get swallowed up by the ocean.

≪ Previous: Unhealthy attitude.

↧

Watch an entire beach house get swallowed up by the ocean.

October 17, 2014, 12:35 pm

≫ Next: Haunted house.

≪ Previous: Too soon.

"FAREWELL, HUMANS! BUILD SOMETHING EVEN MORE ARROGANT IN MY MEMORY!"

As a humor blogger, I spend a lot of time reading the business section in the paper news. Er, "newspaper." Since Hurricane Katrina in 2005, everyone seems to agree that you should never build a house on the beach. At the same time, everyone is agreed that people are building more houses than ever on the beach. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, and at 30 f/p/s this video is made up of 1,350 pictures, perhaps these 1,350,000 words will help convince those folks to stop:

On the other hand, have you ever tried getting permits to tear down a house? Working with Mother Nature is a lot faster.

(by Johnny McNulty)