Ebola Czar refers to the government official responsible for either not doing enough or going too far, depending on how this Ebola thing pans out.

What's got 8 legs and is still afraid a spider's behind them? ^This guy^. (via)

It's October, and you know what that means: there's a spider on the back of your neck RIGHT NOW! No, no, I'm just kidding it was a noodle. It's Halloween time! The time of year when nights get longer and we all agree to scare the spider silk out of each other before calming ourselves with an orgy of sugar. To get you in the mood for skeletons, demons, ghouls—and of course spiders—here are some of the Internet's greatest 8-legged hits to give you the heebie-jeebies before you hit the Halloween party circuit and get the heebie-drunkees. I'll try to ease into the really gross stuff as we go.

14. Let's ease into this with a fun party spider in a fun party mood. Meet Cuban Pete:

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13. Maybe the fact that spiders are pretty dumb sometimes will help you feel better about them.

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12. A lot of the time, when people get scared of spiders, they look silly. Even if that spider is apparently 5 feet long and about to descend onto a Canadian city.

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11. At this point, you may be feeling a bit cocky about how not-afraid you are of spiders. Lots of people get too cocky.

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10. If I know humans, though, this is something that will literally never stop happening.

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9. It's not always humans trying to get close to spiders, though. Sometimes these little buddies just want to get in your group pictures. It's the least you could do after they ate all the flies in their room.

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8. You may be tempted to confront the spider. Consider the costs of doing so.

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7. Let's not forget, though, that spiders play an important part in protecting us from even nastier bugs. A horrifyingly and disgustingly important part.

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6. That doesn't mean that bugs are hopeless in their war against spiders. Sometimes, the victor walks on six legs, not eight.

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5. Some spiders are creepy without doing anything. Like this transparent jumping spider whose retinas you can see moving inside its head.

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4. Sometimes, spiders can get a little too close to comfort. This guy met a spider who burrowed into his scar and couldn't find its way out of his skin for three days.

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3. Did you know that giant two-foot-long spiders ARE actually real?

Ok, that one wasn't real. You got me. It was just cute.

2. And these are SPIDERS. You can come at them with a beer bottle like you're trying to finish a bar fight for good, and you'd still be underprepared:

1. Of course, you could also live in Australia, in which case you've probably spent this entire article laughing.

(NSFW language if you rewind this one)

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Are you scared? Too scared? Sorry about that. Enjoy these relaxingfake, trapped, or dead bonus spiders:

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"You can't force me to sign this confession!" (via)

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This is apparently what happens when a girl only has blowdarts to defend herself.

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Wait, but isn't a broken mirror equal to seven years of big spiders? (via)

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"You can thank me later. Also, I rolled around on the bed." (via)

Happy long run-up to Halloween, everyone!

We did it! We did it! We did it! (via)

(by Johnny McNulty)

Hold the tomatoes.

Every once in a while, statistics blog Five Thirty Eight has to take a break from reporting on the midterm elections to report on what really matters: lunch. Last week, a study on salt consumption among American adults revealed that 49% of Americans eat at least one sandwich per day. But what are they loading up their bread with? Data from the CDC's National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey revealed the answer: mostly lettuce. 

Here the breakdown of what America's most popular sandwich fillings are:

(via)

That's right. As Americans, we eat a ton of lettuce. Hey, it's the easiest thing to add to a sandwich in order to pretend you're having vegetables for lunch and not fat on carbs. 

On the other hand, I'm kind of proud of us for eating so many raw onions. And you thought we were picky! 

But overall, my impression is that you people (yes, Americans!) are disgusting. Get back to eating your mayonnaise and American cheese sandwiches, with a thin schmear of luncheon meat, why don't you?

Visit fivethirtyeight.com for more data and to find out what everyone's favorite sandwich bread is.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Here at Happy Place, staffers spend their days ten fingers deep inside the bowels of the Internet. They've dedicated their lives (between the hours of 10 and 6) to untangling the Web, and in the course of that task, have come across the best and worst that cyberspace has to offer. It would be a waste to not share that knowledge, so in the spirit of bookstore clerks making "staff picks," we asked our staff to share the the thing they saw that they would least like to explain to their parents this week.

1: This Perhaps-Inappropriate-I-Don't-Even-Know-Anymore Tweet And Gif
(Staffer Johnny McNulty)

— Ghetto CNN (@Ghetto_CNN) October 15, 2014

I've been on the Internet since the days of the beepity boops and the A-O-L's, so you would think I would have a better grasp of how to behave here than the kids who weren't around when this whole thing was getting off the ground. You'd be wrong. I feel like this guy, all the time, including when it comes to the question of whether I should be enjoying this as much as I am. I probably shouldn't, but, hey: wooooo.

2: Otherwise Engaged 
(Staffer Shira Rachel Danan)

(Via)

 "Get it, Mom?" "No, I don't get it. Why is that funny?" "Because they're saying the toilet is going to get married. They're telling it 'Congratulations.'" "But that's not what that sign means. It just means someone is going to the bathroom. Don't you know what that sign means?" "Yes, I know, it's just...forget it! You'll never understand me!"

3: Unfortunate Name Tag
(Staffer Jonathan Corbett)

(Via)

If I was shopping a at Vallarta supermarket with my Dad and spotted this name tag, I would try like hell not to laugh. Because it would be rude to Ana, who must be sick of hearing jokes and laughter about the tag (“Do you work with Don G?”). I’d also try to ignore it out of fear that, if I laughed out loud with my father present, he’d ask what I was laughing about. And when I explained that the name tag spells out “anal,” he’d respond, “Oh, yeah. I get it. I get it a lot! High five!"

4: This truck is so terrible it's almost admirable.
(Staffer Dennis DiClaudio) 

(Via)

I love my parents, but they don't really share my appreciation for the nuances of political discourse. I'm not sure they would get why I was doubled over in laughter at seeing the truck of King Xenophobic Bigoted Ideologue of Texas. They'd probably think I was a jerk for getting any kind of enjoyment from something so utterly awful. Could be worse—if certain uncles were there, they'd probably agree with the truck's sentiment.

5: Dude, this acorn is tw.
(Staffer Myka Fox)

(Via)

"Yes, I think this is funny... Yes, I've smoked pot before... No, I'm not high right now... Yes, I'm lying... No, I won't give you some... Ugh fine you can have some but go easy, this stuff is really good."

6: This news about a kid having sex with a stuffed horse at a Wal-Mart.
(Staffer Bob Powers)

(Via)

I just want them to go to their graves without having to know this is where humanity is at right now. I also want to make it to my grave without possibly finding out they don't think it's all that weird.

Say "CHEEEEEEEEEESE!"

This "haunted photo booth" prank is pretty enjoyable. It should also serve as a warning not to trust anyone for the next two weeks. Because even if you're not a huge fan of Halloween, a lot of other people are. So much so that they start celebrating earlier every year. Like the folks who run the Ham & Eggs Tavern in Los Angeles, who recently set up a photo booth for customers to enjoy. More specifically, customers who enjoy screaming at the top of their lungs out of fear of being attacked by a maniac behind them.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"I'll level with you: I need this PS4 so Malia stops playing on the drone machine."
(via Getty Images)

We already knew America was in decline, but did you know that our leader's credit cards are, as well? Barack Obama signed an executive order today protecting citizens from identity theft, and while announcing it at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (the special agency to protect people from extortionist credit card and bank practices), he regaled the audience with the story of how the most powerful man in the world was shut down by an even more powerful force: a snobby New York City restaurant. Most likely Estela, where the Obamas were spotted getting "fluke carpaccio, endive and walnut salad, cod croquettes, and some burrata." MMMmmmmm?

"I went to a restaurant up in New York when I was [visiting] the U.N. General Assembly, and my credit card was rejected," by, I'm sure, a very mortified waiter and a manager who was loving every moment of it. "It turned out I guess I don't use it enough... they thought there was some fraud going on. Fortunately," Obama said, "Michelle had hers." That shouldn't feel too unusual, though. Much like Bill & Hillary Clinton, Michelle was the primary income earner for the Obamas before he became a Senator.

At this point, President Obama was questioned, presumably by concerned citizens who wanted to know if we were all broke and the country was about to collapse: "I was trying to explain to the waitress, you know, I really think that I’ve been paying my bills." So, he explained to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau crowd, "Even I’m affected by this." Uh huh.

In all likelihood, the card was declined because he never uses it and it went inactive. Exactly the problem most people have with credit cards, right? At least he's not former Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, who apparently failed to qualify to refinance his mortgage.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Two seconds before terror.

There's probably some kind of a point I could make about how we all walk through our lives in the "happy masks" we use to hide the monsters that people only get to see once they get close to us. I'm sure I could probably come up with something like that. But I think I'd rather just say that if I found myself the victim of a prank like this, I'd immediately expel about five different kinds of bodily fluids before falling catatonic to the street:

You know, the more I watch this video, the more I'm starting to realize that scarecrow costume is actually more disturbing than the zombie one. A walking corpse, I think I could outrun and outsmart. But I don't know what kind of diseased brain is lurking beneath that googly-eyed smiling freak.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Judo dentistry.

This dad deserves points for creativity. And a few bonus points for execution. Homemade tooth extractions may be cheap but they're never easy, and the end result is usually a traumatic mixture of blood and tears. This dad not only found a new way to remove a child's tooth, but managed to leave his patient laughing after the procedure.

Posting the video to YouTube was a good idea. It might come in handy after his son tries to explain to his teachers how he lost a tooth.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

by Dan Abromowitz

Kanye West is an artist, a visionary, a madman, and an icon, and in a decade he's produced a body of work as vast and contradictory as the man himself. Some look at his work and see an opportunity to pull in pageviews by making order out of the chaos. Over here, we prefer to revel in the fickle vicissitudes of Lady Fortune. So, after a lot of argument, here it is: the DEFINITIVE arbitrary ordering of every song on every Kanye West album (sorry, Watch The Throne/GOOD Fridays/skit lovers, this ain't your list).

See where your favorites ended up for no knowable reason beyond the whims of this beautiful universe, and duke out where we went wrong in the comments.

1. Diamonds From Sierra Leone Remix
2. Celebration
3. Roses
4. Guilt Trip
5. Heard Em Say
6. Runaway
7. New Slaves
8. Bound
9. Bring Me Down
10. Devil In New Dress
11. Crack Music
12. I Wonder
13. The Glory
14. So Appalled
15. Everything I Am
16. See You In My Nightmares
17. Can Tell Me Nothing
18. Drunk And Hot Girls
19. Hell of A Life
20. Blood On The Leaves
21. Black Skinhead
22. Homecoming
23. Jesus Walks
24. On Sight
25. Monster
26. Hold My Liquor
27. Welcome To Heartbreak
28. We Don't Care
29. Good Morning
30. Dark Fantasy
31. Paranoid
32. Good Life
33. School Spirit
34. Drive Slow
35. Get Em High
36. Two Words
37. Champion
38. Lost In The World
39. Love Lockdown
40. Gold Digger
41. Send It Up
42. Street Lights
43. The New Workout Plan
44. Hey Mama
45. Gorgeous
46. Power
47. Stronger
48. Slow Jamz
49. We Major
50. I'm In It
51. Family Business
52. Last Call
53. I Am A God
54. Coldest Winter
55. Say You Will
56. Breathe In Breathe Out
57. Bad News
58. Gone
59. Blame Game
60. Spaceship
61. Touch The Sky
62. All Falls Down
63. Big Brother
64. Addiction
65. All Of The Lights
66. Amazing
67. Heartless
68. Robocop
69. Barry Bonds
70. Through The Wire
71. Never Let Me Down
72. Flashing Lights

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter.

Cool, a sequel to Team America: World Police! What? Those are humans?!

While Fox News continues to hemorrhage paranoia over the possibility that ISIS will smear terrorists with Ebola and smuggle them over the border through Mexico (really, dudes?), our media continues to ignore the real threat to national security: hot British chicks. That's right; the Utah National Guard has confirmed that it has opened an investigation into whether its bases, equipment and soldiers were used for a "Hot Shots 2015" calendar shoot (full of pretty women with very little clothing shooting very big guns) without authorization. 

Hmmm. One giveaway could be that there were a bunch of hot girls who came by and filmed this, and now no one can seem to remember how it happened:

Yes, you did see a girl giggle and throw some kind of small explosive in the first 15 seconds. Yes, that did look dangerous as hell, and no, I did not have much success in pulling my eyes away. As a taxpayer and as a citizen who is turning off *that* part of his brain, however, I am outraged. The government constantly emphasizes how hard terrorists are trying to get into our national security infrastructure, and apparently all that's stopping them are Y chromosomes and extra clothing.

As you can see at the end of the video, the gals give a special thank-you to the "Soldiers of the 19th Special Forces Group," stationed in Utah, and other members of the Utah National Guard have been visually ID'd (presumably by their girlfriends) and reported. Furthermore, the Utah Department of Public Safety has launched its own inquiry, because of course the state police wanted in on this, and a pair of officers were also seen in the video. 

That arm helping these two load a tank weapon is probably not authorized to be there.

I think it's pretty obvious what happened here (hot girl says "please," guy stuck in desert says "yeah, ok."), but the military is still determined to go through the motions of pretending to figure it out slowly. 

According to a statement from Lt. Col. Steven Fairbourn, 

An investigation was initiated by the Utah National Guard on Oct. 14 to determine potential unauthorized use of military equipment, facilities, and personnel in the Hot Shots 2015 calendar production.

Productions of this kind are not in keeping with the values of the Utah National Guard nor its members.

Use of military equipment, facilities, and personnel in civilian for-profit endeavors such as this requires approval of National Guard Bureau Public Affairs through the respective state National Guard Headquarters. There was no official approval for this project. The investigation will determine if Utah National Guard equipment, facilities, and personnel were used in the Hot Shots 2015 calendar production and required actions if this is the case.

As fun as it is to hear the members of the National Guard pretend to have no memory of how this could have possibly happened, it's also really disappointing. Utah State House Minority Leader Jennifer Seelig (D) is from Salt Lake City, and as a member of the Executive Appropriations Committee has partial oversight of the UT National Guard, not only wanted to know if anyone directly profited this, she also had some particularly choice words for Utah's FOX13:

"If this video was shot at a government restricted facility using government specialized military equipment, either leadership knew about this — or their security protocols aren’t robust enough to keep a bunch of calendar girls and their crew and assorted groupies out.

It flies in the face of any progress we have made in the military and sends out this archaic message to girls and women that their true value lies in their body parts."

I couldn't agree more, Rep. Seelig. Though, the military is pretty concerned with your body parts; not so much with the ogling them, but with the putting-them-in-harm's-way aspect.

(by Johnny McNulty)

After the embarrassing amount of time it took me to make this graphic, I consider myself the 481st artist to contribute to this movie.

Hey, it's Friday night. Let's do something fun, but more importantly free, preferably in a way that lets you feel superior to everyone on Monday. Tonight, you can tell nerds that you saw a version of The Empire Strikes Back that they've never seen (on the official Star Wars channel, no less), and you can tell snobs you had to stay in to watch the new follow-up to the Internet's most important crowd-sourced film to date. You'll just be having a good time watching Star Wars, but I like to think up my false arrogance beforehand. This is The Empire Strikes Back: Uncut, a film made up, according to its own description, "480 fan-made snippets culled from over 1,500 submissions. features a stunning mash-up of styles and filmmaking techniques, including live action, animation, and stop-motion. The project launched in 2013, with fans claiming 15-second scenes to reimagine as they saw fit" and online voters choosing whose submissions got in.

Many of you will remember that in 2009, a remake of Star Wars came out unlike anything fan-made before: a full-length, shot-for-shot remake of the film, divided into 473 sequential 15-second shots, each of which are created by different fans all over the world. Not only that, but since many filmmakers submitted entries for each time slot, the orchestrator of this fan-made space opera, Casey Pugh, wrote a program that automatically places the highest-rated fan segment in each time slot. This means that the film itself changed in response to popular opinion online. It won an Emmy, there was a documentary about it, and broad agreement that it ruled as a work and as proof that the Internet wasn't so bad after all. It appears as if this latest iteration is with the full endorsement of the Star Wars franchise, even under new management.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Friday shows a 79% chance of severe drooling.

In case you were wondering whether the old show-biz adage “Never work with children or animals” applies to local news shows, it does:

Well, Ripple, what do you have to say for yourself? You know that you were sent onto the Global Edmonton Morning News to deliver the weather with their meteorologist Mike Sobel in the hopes that you would make a good representative of all the dogs of the Edmonton Humane Society. And now what kind of impression did you leave? You've given the viewing public the impression that rescue dogs are care-free and whimsical souls who are always on the lookout for fun and play. You've ruined everything!

I hope you're proud of yourself.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

One shaken, one stirred.

You know how anytime anyone brings up that James Bond "shaken, not stirred" line, your pedantic friend Ted is always like, "Um, uh... technically speaking, you should never shake a martini," and then you're like, "Shut up, Ted! Nobody cares what you think!" and then you both wonder why you're even spending time together since there's clearly a lot of unhealthy animosity in the mix?

Well, technically speaking, your pedantic friend Ted is right, and this video from The Cocktail Spirit web series actually explains why in an extremely simple to understand way:

So, you probably owe Ted an apology. Not that you should give it to him, that jagoff.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

What madness is this?

Just in time for Halloween, someone let this cat loose on a theremin, which we now know is the instrument equivalent of a laser pointer. The result is a perfectly eerie scene in which the cat appears to mindlessly bat at nothing at all. This, of course, isn't so different from cats without theremins. 

Bonus cat friend whose mind was just blown at the end. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

The official font of the late '70s and early '80s.

After being visited by messengers from another planet, a idealistic blonde-haired, blue-eyed young man finds himself in possession of an alien artifact and must suddenly wrestle clumsily with strange powers, the likes of which he never dreamed. But he's not alone. 

I guess that synopsis works for both Star Wars and The Greatest American Hero. I never realized how similar both stories were until I saw this mash-up of the original trilogy footage with the early-'80s TV show's theme song:

Here's TGAH's actual opening for comparison. On the whole, I'm pretty glad George Lucas decided against going with a blonde-fro for Luke Skywalker: 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

She coached him through the whole process, just like a real proposal.

Pop singer Demi Lovato got engaged to a love-struck fan in the middle of a show in Moline, Illinois last week. Well, kind of. The kid who proposed marriage is only five years old, which is about eleven years below the age of consent in Illinois. So, Lovato and her fiancé might have to wait a little while to make it officially legal. 

They sure seem like a cute couple, though. Who knows, maybe they can make it work. It certainly seems like it has as much of a chance as the Kanye West/Kim Kardashian marriage.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)