Some dog on horse action. [SFW] 

This video illustrates two things pretty well. The first is that dogs are remarkably smart creatures with a truly amazing capacity for learning. The second is that they'll do pretty much any stupid thing you ask of them so long as there's food involved somehow.  

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Driving and texting is okay if you'll only kill yourself and other adults.(Via)

Don't hate the Facebook hypocrites, cherish them. They are the digital manifestation of the frailty of human resolve. Also, they're really entertaining. if people were able to stick to a cohesive belief system from status to status, Facebook would be so predictable and dull. Here are just a handful of Facebook hypocrites who go out of their way to keep us guessing.

Already hated him, then he doubled-down the loathing with "hard house. (Via)

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Sounds like someone got a job?(Via)

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 (Via)

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Hypocritical about hypocrisy! It's hypocrisy inception!  (Via)

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What about our idiots?(Via)

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Updated 9/15/14:

You know we can see you, right?(Via)

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Perhaps they aren't being sarcastic with the "yeah, sounds like it"? (Via)

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It's different when you do it to monitor your tanning progress.(Via)

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The medium is the message. (Via)

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Translation: I am childish.(Via)

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Make sure and live-tweet your electronics-free period.(Via)

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Updated 8/18/14:

This got "hella" real. (Via)

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Hey CoughCough, are you going to take that crap?!(Via)

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The anti-bullying movement had a good run. (Via)

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Her badassery fluctuates from day to day. (Via)

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May you never practice what you preach, Jordan, you ripped slab of sex.(Via)

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Updated 7/14/14:

And never complain about people complaining about people complaining on Facebook! (Via)

Some profile pics are a mirror into one's own soul.  (Via)

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She said young girls. That pic on the right was posted after two long days of aging. (Via)

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Present company excluded? (Via)

Dan's not going to let you back out of this Adam. Happy 4th.(Via)

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But that movie is how Ashley feels. (Via)

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Slut-shaming, thy name is Corinne.(Via)

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Updated 6/17/14:

That's how people die you hypocritical animals!(Via)

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But when girls bitch about other girls bitching about other girls bitching... That's fine! (Via)

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Maybe they're being sincere? "I'm glad everyone behaves just like me. It's good to belong."(Via)

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"We only went in there to get directions away from there!" -The Simpsons(Via)

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Updated 5/20/14:

Come on. You gotta have one last party for the road. (Via)

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Fun fact, 95% of all status updates are posted near some form of toilet.(Via)

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You first. (Via)

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Can't I just attack others without being attacked for attacking others?(Via)

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Feeling whatever the opposite of self-aware is. (Via)

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You know, you can do the missionary position without actually converting people to Christ, duh! (Via)

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Posted 4/28/14: 

Also, his mind, soul, and morals are useless. Those abs are all he's got! (Via)

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What a difference a day can make. (via)

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Via mobile!

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Um...That's a lovely light switch panel behind you? (Via)

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Physician, heal thyself (of fucktardation)!

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These two will get to the bottom of this eventually.(Via)

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You forgot to tag some people. (Via)

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Willis who? Willis engaged in an internal battle for control of his moral center. (Via)

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Perhaps you would have meant more if you hadn't cheated?(Via)

Good to see you've cheered up...and lost all empathy.(Via)

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No, the purpose was for Zuckerberg to get back at a girl. Didn't you see The Social Network? (Via)

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You're going to hold him to something he said 25 whole minutes ago? Sheesh!(Via)

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Well, when two people love each other very much, they do what you did.(Via)

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But how else will Facebook know their review of the first 20 minutes of the movie? (Via)

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Baby steps.

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And they were bros forever and ever amen. (Via)

(by Bob Powers)

Something else you might enjoy...

Hope that's a waterproof selfie.

Taking a selfie is not for the faint of heart. There are dangers at every turn. Dangers like capturing something weird in the background, getting yourself at a gross angle, walking into someone else who is also taking a selfie—and more mortal dangers, like drowning. 

If you do survive your selfie, you may end up embarrassing yourself on live TV. This is why experts recommend you always selfie with a buddy.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

A stop sign is a sign telling bicyclists to move through an intersection at a continuous speed.

Bars or bust. 

A 39-year-old woman in Michigan thought she was driving to a bar, but instead drunk-drove herself directly to jail. 

Patrol units said she was backing up into the parking lot of the sheriff's office trying to convince her boyfriend to get back into the car. The reports don't say why he had gotten out of the car, so we will just have to assume he was either scared to be in a vehicle with a drunk driver, or he was just really excited to get into the bar first. 

According to MLIVE:

"Police said the 39-year-old woman pulled into the parking lot of the sheriff's office shortly after 2 a.m.  Patrol units observed the woman as she began backing up in the parking lot while trying to convince her boyfriend to rejoin her in her vehicle. The woman later admitted to police that she had just left a bar in town and had thought she was pulling into the parking lot of another bar when she arrived at the sheriff's office. " 

A deputy on site came up to the woman (who probably thought he was the valet) and noticed she was heavily intoxicated. The woman blew a breathalyzer of more than twice the legal limit of .08, and she is now being held on charges of operating a vehicle while really really drunk. 

No word on whether the boyfriend is waiting for her in the parking lot. 

(by Myka Fox)

Guys, c'mon. It's my ball. Guys. Guys. GUYS!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! I'M THE CHAMP! WAA!

Peyton Manning, quarterback for the Denver Broncos, threw his 509th passing touchdown 3 minutes into the second half of last night's game against the 49ers. This tops Brett Favre's total of 508 passing TDs, making Peyton Manning an unlikely champ just three years after undergoing major spine surgery (and four neck surgeries in total). Manning's one of those guys where arguments about him are not whether he's good or great, but whether he should be called one of the greatest of all time. That being said, even though he's not as doofy as his brother Eli, this guy is still a major goober, and it's fun to see his teammates continue to treat him as the good-natured oaf that he so visibly is, even as he becomes the greatest passing QB in history.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. We're Probably Not All Going To Die From Ebola... For The Time Being

Now that 44 of the 48 people on Dallas, Texas' Ebola watch list are being released from quarantine, and both Nigeria and Senegal are being declared Ebola-free by the World Health Organization, disease conscious people everywhere can finally breath a sigh of relief, as it appears the pandemic is slowly coming under control. Of course, that sigh of global exhale will make it much easier for any of the billions of other strains of viral infections to spread amongst the populace.

Think about it: More people are buried in Grant's tomb than have died from Ebola in America.

— Uncle Dynamite (@UncleDynamite) October 20, 2014

2. Brett Favre Still Holds NFL Record For Penis Pics Sent To Sports Journalists

Shortly after Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning broke Brett Favre's career record for touchdown passes during yesterday's game against the San Francisco 49ers, the former Green Bay Packer showed what kind of classy guy he is by tweeting his congratulations to Manning. Former sports journalist Jenn Sterger took the opportunity to remind people of exactly what kind of classy guy Favre is by reminding people of the time he allegedly texted her pictures of of peen unsolicited.  

Well deserved Peyton. Congratulations on breaking my record. #Onto600http://t.co/MEeffAlmeP

— Brett Favre (@Favre4Official) October 20, 2014

Hey Peyton, if that congratulatory text from "He who shall not be named" is an MMS... Prolly best to just delete that one.

— Jenn Sterger (@jennifersterger) October 20, 2014

3. San Francisco Bans Lorde's Song 'Royals' Due To Acute World Series-Related Stupidity

A bunch of radio stations in San Francisco are banning Lorde's hit song 'Royals' due to the fact that the San Francisco Giants will be playing the Kansas City Royals in the World Series. And, yes, I checked: they do have adults working at Bay Area radio stations.

As someone who enjoys a good parody song, can we encourage those interested to never use "Royals" by Lorde ever again?

— Ben Heisler (@bennyheis) October 20, 2014

4. Kinky Non-Missionary Fish Sex Was Invented 385 Million Years Ago 

Some scientists at Flinders University in Australia have somehow discovered that the physical act of love between two creatures of the same species was invented by some fish off the coast of Scotland some 385 million years before the institution of marriage emerged on Earth. And if you don't find the idea of Scottish fish having premarital sex sufficiently disturbing, you should know that they did it sideways, instead of in the proper missionary position. Here's some ancient fish porn, if you're into that kind of thing:

The average man thinks about sex every 12 seconds; But only I, as the pinnacle if evolution, can complete a sexual act in 12 seconds.

— mr. fisher (@brocketxyz) October 15, 2014

5. Angry Mom Wants Toys R Us To Stop Selling 'Breaking Bad' Alongside All Its Play Guns, Mock Swords And Fun-Time Hand Grenades

Florida-based mom activist, or moctivist, Susan Schrivjer has started a popular online petition to get nationwide toy store Toys R Us to stop carrying Breaking Bad action figures, claiming that the tiny little representations of drug dealers—complete with itsy-bitsy containers of fake crystal meth—is a bad influence on children, despite the fact that the collectables are displayed in an adult section of the store, far away from the more kid-appropriate functioning crossbows. 

Breaking Bad action figures: because every kid needs a meth dealing murderer in their action figure collection. http://t.co/ENUVlcBtQY

— Dawn J (@dmj1574) October 20, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Catwalk model. 

I don't believe in demonic possession. I also would never bother to post a clip just to scream "FAKE!" That said, I have no idea what is up with this cat walking backwards on its hind legs. Sending the video's Japanese description through Google translate only adds to the mystery: "When it is not helped when we want to eat because I wanted to eat, and Momotaro to move back to stand for some reason." The main thing I get from that is that Google's Japanese to English translation could use a little tweaking. If nothing else, it seems like Momotaro isn't suffering from a neurological condition or possessed by demons. He's just weird.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Please don't dump me in the next two weeks. (Via Facebook)

Jake Dodridge, a 21-year-old IT tech from Newbury, Berkshire, booked a romantic vacation in Venice for himself and his girlfriend set to depart December 3rd. Two weeks before the trip, his gf decided that a break from the England winter wouldn't be enough to keep them together, and ended things. 

According to the Mirror, Jake was denied a refund on his $830 trip, so he decided he would take the trip anyway, with whatever girl (18-30) bid the highest on eBay.

You can buy me love. (Via Metro)

Move over Craigslist casual encounters, eBay is here for even swifter negotiations. 

All you need to go on a totally fun free trip with a totally dumped dude is:

- Have a passport

- Be a woman only from the ages of 18-30 (must show pictures proving age and sex).

- Be willing to share a hotel room with a complete stranger who would sell a trip with himself on eBay.

Yikes. As reported by the mirror, Dodridge said,

"This isn't something I would normally do, but when life gives you lemons you have to make lemonade. I was upset when my girlfriend dumped me, but looking back it was the right thing to do. It just wasn't meant to be. But what is the point of wasting a perfectly good holiday? I want someone fun to come with me, who is up for a laugh. I will obviously get their number before we go so I can chat to them and see if we get on. It's not about making money, I just want someone to go with so the holiday will go to the highest bidder. It will be a great first date."

A great first date! And first trip together! Who wouldn't love a super romantic vacation trapped with a complete stranger? I wouldn't!

He posted the auction at 99p ($1.59), and at the time the Mirror reported, there were no bidders. Dodridge has since taken his post down, but now that his story has gone viral, it seems like it might be a good idea to put his trip back up. Surely if a woman is willing to pretend to have three tits, there must be one who will vacay with this IT stud for a little internet fame. 

This could be us but you didn't bid on me. (Via Facebook)

While Jake doesn't explicitly say what happened between him and his ex (pictured above), judging by his Facebook photos, being his girlfriend means posing for lots and lots of photos in Turkey and Greece. In fact, his photo album is mostly just pictures of her. 

Poor guy, he is clearly desperate for someone to love. I hope that instead of an extended awkward first date, he takes that trip alone or with a friend and eventually, over time, his heart will heal enough to go back on eBay, and auction off all those pics of his ex. 

(by Myka Fox)

Also a great way to dissuade small talk with your seat-mate. 
(Via Joe Henchman on Twitter)

So, maybe not everyone is heeding the whole "don't panic" thing.

Joe Henchman shared this pic on Twitter last week, and it's already been retweeted over 2,000 times.

Lady just chilling at Dulles in her homemade Hazmat suit pic.twitter.com/Ljlny8t4pr

— Joe Henchman (@jdhenchman) October 15, 2014

Thing is, do we know this is about Ebola? Maybe she does this every year at flu season. Maybe she ran out of something comfy to wear on the plane, so she just went under the sink and slipped into a bunch of recycling bags.

Maybe she has a brother who works at the CDC who told her, "Sis, don't believe what you're hearing on the news about us being able to contain this thing. Protect yourself. Save yourself, sis! Even though we're all wearing military-grade protective coverings, enveloping your body in something that's about as thick and tearable as a dry cleaning bag should do it."

Or maybe she just wanted to go big on the Internet for a little while. If so, congrats.

(by Bob Powers)

The national flag of Argentina is a triband flag composed of blue and white bands with a sun from the Windows 95 clipart catalog in the center.

Friends debugging friends.

If you're looking for a good horror movie to get you in the mood for Halloween, this is it. It's a story about a guy at a party who gets a giant moth stuck in his ear that he can hear "fluttering in his head." Fortunately, several of the guy's friends are there to help him out, even if they're the kind of friends who would use his painful predicament as an opportunity to crack jokes and goof on him. Considering they found a tick in his ear while searching for the moth, a little ball busting was probably in order.

Even though you see the creature flapping its wings deep in his ear canal, the sight of it is still shocking when they finally remove it. 

The whole thing plays out like a redneck party game. Judging by the amount of fun they seemed to have at this poor dude's expense, you'd think they were all completely wasted, if one of them didn't say, "Good thing we're all not completely wasted right now." The end is oddly satisfying. Mostly in a "better him than me" sort of way.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

The National Mall is the only mall in the United States that does not have a Sunglass Hut.

Justice Scalia (2nd from right) is drooling at the chance to legislate from the bench.

This is the greatest thing to happen to democracy in the 21st Century: 11 minutes of mostly silent footage of dogs dressed up in justice's robes sitting on a set designed to look like the bench of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. Last Week Tonight with Jon Oliver created this footage, and they explain why in this short clip:

They don't allow cameras inside the Court, you see, which is why we've never seen a Supreme Court case on cable news. Justices like it this way, since they get left out somewhat from the craziness of the news cycle, but average citizens don't get to see what really goes on in the highest reaches of the Judicial Branch of government. 

To bridge this gap, Last Week Tonight created this 11-minute b-roll segment that would allow cable TV to broadcast oral arguments as if they were live (and the Supreme Court Justices were dogs). Try it now. Press play on this video of the dogs sitting in court, then press play on the video below it at the same time:

Here is the recording of the oral argument in United States v Windsor, the case which struck down the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). Playing this with the video above should give you an adorable reenactment of social progress.

I, for one, hope this compromise works out for those who want cameras in the court. I want more transparency as well, but I don't like the idea of Fox News being able to edit judges' snippets to launch a witch hunt against Ruth Bader Ginsburg. What I do like is a lot of very serious looking people watching a lot of very serious looking dogs on television and then having very serious arguments about what the very serious dogs are saying.

Seriously.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Consuming raw meats may increase your risk of foodborne sexiness. (Via ABC)

You're going out for a meal at Chili's in Florida, how do you picture the chef preparing your food? Is it a man in a chef's uniform with a puffy hat that looks like a white cupcake, or is it this sexy guy?

"You know I got those fried pickles. I call them 'frickles.'" (Via ABC)

If you said it was this tatted-up hunk, you'd be wrong, because Chili's just fired him! The chef, who refers to himself as Justin Speekz, took these shirtless shots in the Valrico Chili's where he worked and posted them on Facebook as an attempt to start a "Sexy Cooks Of Chili's" trend. He even tagged his restaurant in the photos, but that's how he got caught.

ABC action news found the pictures and narced the chef out, bringing him to the attention of the Department of Business and Professional Regulation who said, "there did not appear to be any violations in the photos because no food was being prepared."

But Chili's still fired him! They went and canned what might have been the tastiest chef to smother pasta with cajun Alfredo sauce. I mean, they're called potato skins, not potato shirts.

In a statement Chili's released, they explain:

"Chili's clearly does not encourage this type of behavior in our restaurants. We maintain very high standards of food quality, safety and cleanliness and took immediate steps to ensure the restaurant continues to follow these requirements. Additionally, we ended this team member's employment after learning of his conduct."

Boo! Boooooo! Do you know how hard it is to find an employee who takes pride in their job? What say you, Applebees? Have any room behind the microwave for a nipple-pierced stud?

As a side-note, THIS guy has the nerve to say that posing shirtless in the kitchen is "a little ridiculous?"

Your ear-hole and eye stud should prevent you from calling anything ridiculous. (Via ABC)

I want my baby back.

(by Myka Fox)

How the Founding Fathers intended for this song to be played.

Musical Targets is a company that sells specially pitched shooting targets that allow you to translate the sweet sound of automatic machine gun fire into the slightly less sweet sound of actual music. And what more fitting song with which to demonstrate this simple and brilliant idea than the United States' National Anthem:

The ear is the organ that heard you the first time, Jesus Christ.