"Hi, Disney's legal team!"

If you have small children and happen to live in the same neighborhood as this toddler who goes by the name "Glowy Zoey," you may want to tell them that Halloween is cancelled this year. Or at least let them know they won't be hearing a lot of "That's the cutest costume I've seen all night!" Not unless you pull them out of school early and get out ahead of Zooey, who will be hearing quite a bit of that once people get a look at her glow-in-the-dark, Minnie Mouse-at-Coachella costume. It's that cute.

Her dad created a LED stickman version of the costume last year which made Glowy Zooey a viral sensation with over 20 million YouTube views. The costumes are so sweet it makes you wonder if he named his daughter Zooey with a plan already in place to conquer Halloween.

If you want to create a similar costume for your kid, there's still time. Zooey's dad was kind enough to provide simple instructions on their YouTube page.

The 2014 version is using digitally addressable LED strips hooked up to an Arduino microcontroller which I programmed (and still learning). It is responsive to sound and has 2 potentiometers and a button in the back of one of the ears for control and a microphone hidden in the front. It has 12 modes and 372 LEDs (124 chips with 3 each).

Or, you could just go with your original plan and pickup the Buzz Lightyear mask at Rite Aid.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Man's former best friends.

Video editor Robert Jones is ready to put you in the Halloween spirit, Internet-style, with this supercut of mankind's furry buddies dressed up in tons and tons of what, to us, appear to be unfairly adorable costumes, and what to them must seem to be an unjust punishment.

I'm not sure if it's depressing or just a sign that I'm good at my job that I recognize so many of these clips, especially the video of a dog dressed up as a giant tarantula, which was part of a pretty amusing prank. 

For more Halloween fare, check out the spookiest and most amusing spiders on the Internet, or even more dogs looking miserable in costumes.

Robert Jones has edited a ton of videos for TastefullyOffensive and other sites (and himself) that have gone viral, most recently a re-imagining of Star Wars as a last-century TV show with the intro song from Greatest American Hero.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Nice rack, dude!(via)

It's no secret that much of what we all see and read on the Internet isn't what it claims to be. Sometimes, though, we want so badly for something to be true that we believe it against our better judgement (damn you, Jasmine Tridevil!). A bunch of horny redditors learned recently that even something as simple and wholesome as a shot of a woman's cleavage may not be all it's cracked up to be. They found out that the boobs they'd been jerking off to were actually the crack of a dude.

Redditor poshpink330 posted the above shot to r/gonewild, a sub where girls who like to show off post pictures for guys who like to jerk off. It's a pretty simple arrangement. Naturally, a lot of guys appreciated the gesture. At least until she informed them that they'd been pleasuring themselves to a closeup photo of a pair of underwear wedged into her husband's butt cheeks.

"My boner is so confused!" (via)

She also posted the following message to the guys who had just busted a nut to her husband's buns:

Glad everyone loved my husband's a** crack. Whether you were frustrated and needed someone to "blow your load," or if you simply wanted to "kiss every inch of it goodnight," I'm glad that my husband's butt gave you the comfort you needed. All 51 of you who pm'd me.

If that information wasn't enough to make them limp with anger, she also posted the private messages they sent her just to rub it in, so to speak.

So be careful out there, especially in places like r/gonewild. Or you could wind up going much wilder than you'd ever imagined.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Well, it's not Monday morning, but consider this your Tuesday night confidence booster (everyone already needs another confidence booster by Tuesday night, right?). This video was taken in Kruger National Park in South Africa by a group of hikers on a walking safari. Unbeknownst to the tour guides, some boneheads had left their group and were running around on a riverbank nearby, which apparently spooked this bull elephant. Despite not knowing why the huge male was angry, they remembered what to do in a situation like this: whatever it is that I wouldn't naturally do. In other words, they did nothing except look confident.

It's good they looked so confident, because those rifles look pretty useless to an amateur like me. So, there you go, people. Remember that the challenges of late Tuesday evening and early Wednesday morning can be stood up to like a mere charging elephant. I'll try to have another confidence booster by noon.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Chivalry is dead. It was killed three iOS updates ago.

Machinima's "Creepy Text Theater" might be doing the world a very important service. With live reenactments of perved out sexts, we get to see what our digital sex pleas sound like in real life and we can hopefully come to a startling realization: Oh yeah, human beings maybe should get to know each other briefly before demanding "butt stuff."

To lend more weight to the text-to-speechifying, Machinima brought in former porn superstar and current regular ol' movie actress Sasha Grey. When someone of her caliber can get creeped out by your texts, it's time to rein it in, Cowboy.

Video is NSFW for language. Headphones!

Related: 6 brutally honest improvements to annoying text messages we're all sick of getting.

(by Bob Powers)

I'm Renee Zellweger. (Via Getty Images)

Do you recognize this actress? It's Renee Zellweger, of course. It looks like she asked a plastic surgeon to give her the "witness protection special," but here she is debuting it in public at Elle's Women in Hollywood event.

Don't cry. I mean, I almost cried, but... damn I'm crying again. I'm trying to remember her real face... 

Yeah, that's her face! (Via Getty Images)

But now it's gone. THIS IS HER FACE NOW.

You had me at who the hell is this? (Via Getty Images)

Who is this woman? What does she want? And where is the real Renee?

Excuse me, miss. Have you seen Renee Zellweger? (Via Getty Images)

.

Yes, I'm Renee Zellweger. (Via Getty Images)

Noooo! This can't be the apple-cheeked star of Bridget Jones' Diary and Jerry Maguire. I know this face, it's right on the tip of my tongue. Let's plug this into online celebrity lookalike app and get to the bottom of it.

Who could mistake that trademark Barrymore nose? (Via)

That's it! I knew she looked like someone! That's Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee's Chicago co-star! Or wait, is that Martin Short? 

Renee Zellweger didn't even match in the top ten. But she did a pretty good job of looking like Leonardo DiCaprio

I'm the king of the... what did you do to your face??? (Via)

It's shocking. I can't even figure out what they did to her exactly? Is it her jawline? And her cheeks were... removed? 

You complete(ly don't look like anyone to) me. (Via Getty Images)

I hope she is pleased with the results, but I'm truly sad for her. Having a recognizable face is what makes a person a celebrity.

Why couldn't she have learned from Jennifer Grey's mistake? (Via)

Goodbye, Renee Zellweger's face. I guess God needed an apple-cheeked angel face in heaven. 

Goodbye. (Via Getty Images)

(by Myka Fox)

The World Series is a best-of-seven tournament between the greatest baseball teams in the entire world of the continental United States and one city in Canada.

Gime all teh yummee kal woo.

You know how sometimes when you're wasted, all you can think about is a greasy, foldable slice of kale? A Washington, D.C. resident got the drunk munchies for greens recently, and stole a neighbor's kale plant right out of their yard. 

Aaron Wiener, the owner of the plant, wasn't too surprised when it was taken from his unfenced-in yard. "We wrote it off as lost, a casualty of the urban environment," he wrote in Washington City Paper.

But then, something surprising happened. The drunk thief sobered up and returned to make amends. He or she left the note below under a flowerpot, along with a $25 gift card to Ace Hardware, which Wiener writes will "restock our gardening supplies in the spring."

The note was anonymous, so we'll never know who stole the kale, but my money's on Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Mike Tyson ith a profethinal boxther. And a convicted rapith.

How about if you just stand lookout? (Via)

No matter how turned on the sound of their passionate sex-having might get you, there comes a time in every neighborly relationship when you just have to tell the people next door, "Mutually orgasm more quietly as I have work in the morning." These notes do the job with some excellent passive-aggressive sarcasm and even a few brilliant assists from modern technology. (Some images via Passive-Aggressive Notes)

Don't make idle threats. Love is stronger than malice. You will be defeated. (Via)

.

When you're so loud your neighbors fear you're being careless. Put up a response note asking "Why do you distrust women so?" (Via)

.

Starting to think these "ask me to join" folks need to be directed to Craigslist. (Via)

.

Looks like the community board went to the sex shop with some petty cash. (Via)

.

There's Banksy, and then there's "Bang-Bangsy." (Via)

Updated 2/23/14:

Do you have any lube left? We're making sundaes! (Via)

.

"Agony?" How lonely are those neighbors?(Via)

 The wall braces it. Otherwise the bed just moves around the room like a bumper car. (Via)

Both are very cathartic.(Via)

Here's hoping they've met by now, and they're making noises of their own. (Via)

Never too soon to learn how it sounds when a woman is being attended to correctly.(Via)

Updated 12/18/13:

He hears you personaly [sic]. This guy is hands on! (Via)

Or at least wait until the nighttime when your shameful acts will be cloaked in darkness. (via)

Don't fall for it. They probably get off on the notes.

Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.
(Click to enlarge)

Going with "a woman's being beaten" over talking about sex? You have serious issues.

"Three of us in the room." That's a hint. Mary wants an invite.
 

Updated 9/20/13:

You're causing ripples in the water in everybody's drinking glasses.

Your animals fear intimacy.

I wouldn't be so tired if I hadn't had to stay up all night videotaping you.

He's sorry too. But the streak is BROKEN! (Via)

So, play the awesome music really loud any time we get to boning? Done. (Via)

You're going to have to go up there and teach him. Teach him how to love a woman.

Updated 7/29/13:

If you're going to have sex with the door open, invest in a thesaurus.

60 seconds! Impossible. No one can think about baseball for that long.

The "wow!!!" is a mistake. Make him feel impressive, he'll only want to impress you more with even louder, longer bed sessions.

Please don't let him be having sex with the mini pony.

The last "fuck" could be read as a command to fuck. Try, "The fuck?"

Not even the note-writer believes this to be true.

Posted 4/26/13:

But maybe the ball gag is his "thing."

Sounds like guy in 3B is an "all hands on deck" kind of guy.

Nothing will make them quiet down better than to give them unsolicited couples' counseling.

Please stuff the condoms in your mouths to stifle your moans during quiet hours.

Which is louder? The answer might surprise you.

It's a scam. He works at Sleepy's.

Tomorrow, throw all the data into a Powerpoint and lets see some exclamation pie charts.

What if "Harrison in D1" just sent the CD to Guy In 3B to masturbate to? Everybody wins.

To be fair, it's hard to not get excited about a super-sexy, hot new "burgeoning friendship."

What if it's the torture that's making her come? You don't know what she's into.

Did everyone switch from video porn to audio files when we weren't looking?

It's like a delightful Bridget Jones sequel, with a super-angry twist ending.

Nothing worse than a when corporations meddle in your sex life.

Short, to the point. Probably won't work either.

(by Happy Place Staff)

1. 'The Simpsons' Is Being Sued For $250 Million By The Human Version Of One Of Its Minor Characters

Character actor Frank Sivero (The Godfather Part II, Goodfellas, Cop and ½) is suing Fox Television Studios for the very reasonable sum of $250,000,000 on the claim that the Simpsons character Louie was modeled after him. "Louie's appearance and mannerisms are strongly evocative of character actor Frank Sivero," according to the lawsuit, which, to be fair, is funnier than anything the character Louie has done in about twelve years.

The character of Bumblebee Man is clearly based on me but you don't see me suing the Simpsons.

— John Quaintance (@John_Quaintance) October 22, 2014

2. Sarah Palin's Family Doesn't Come Off Nearly As Bad As You Might Be Hoping In The Audio Of Their Drunken Late Night Brawl

The Anchorage Police Department has released audio recordings from the night that Sarah Palin's family got into a bloody, drunken, late night brawl at a local party. While Bristol Palin does sound like a raving, intoxicated mess with a face full of "beer and makeup," and the former Alaska Governor can be heard vaguely in the background trying to control her brood, at no point does anyone in the family claim that the ghost of George Washington had sanctioned their acts of fisticuffs or take out a machine gun and start firing wildly into the air. So, kind of a let down. 

Final conclusion of the Police Report on the Palin Brawl: It really sucks for comedians that they're not the First Family.

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) October 10, 2014

3. Data Supporting Dr. Oz's Magic Weight Loss Bean Has Been Magically Lost

Until very recently, there was only one study that supported TV physician Dr. Mehmet Oz's patently ridiculous fat-burning bean. However, the researchers behind that study have now retracted their own results, leaving Dr. Oz with no data supporting his "magic weight-loss cure." He'll probably make about half a billion dollars on it next year.

Dr. Oz is the Jordan Belfort of Dr. Phils.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) June 23, 2014

4. Kenny G Gives His Smooth, Soulful Support To Hong Kong Protests 

Smooth jazz saxophonist visited with throngs of protesters in Hong Kong earlier today to lend his support to their pro-democracy cause. This action both angered officials in China—where the musician is still remarkably popular—and leads to the obvious question on where Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, stands on this important issue. 

in Hong Kong at the sight of the demonstration. I wish everyone a peaceful and positive conclusion to this situation pic.twitter.com/mEp5jIXLjj

— Kenny G (@officialkennyg) October 22, 2014

Working on a "Where's Kenny G" picture book. It's like "Where's Waldo," but with Kenny G.

— H. Alan Scott (@HAlanScott) May 23, 2014

5. Cheese Is So Good, Our Ancestors Ate It For Thousands Of Years Before It Stopped Making Them Sick

Despite the fact that human beings only developed a tolerance for lactose-rich food products within the last 3,000 years, a new archeological study shows that people have been making cheese since about 7,000 years ago. In case you're bad with math, that's four millennia of diarrhea and intestinal cramps. And my wife is trying to get me to cut provolone, ricotta and Pecorino Romano out of my diet? Good luck with that, baby!

Sometimes what I think is an anxiety attack turns out to be I'm lactose intolerant and I shouldn't be drinking milkshakes.

— Nick Youssef (@NickYoussef) June 11, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Woman dumped by boyfriend spends ONE WEEK in KFC eating nothing but chicken wings: http://t.co/Q0rpz4OdSypic.twitter.com/lEWbTB75EF

— Daily Star (@Daily_Star) October 21, 2014

Kentucky Fried Chicken, we do depression right! 

Hey girl, where you going with those chicken wings? Over to that table? For a whole week? Damn, so it's like that? 

Tan Shen, 26, from Chengdu, China got chucked by her boyfriend. To give herself enough "time to think" away from all the chicken-free memories she shared at home with her now ex, she hid out in a Kentucky Fried Chicken for a week.

According to Yahoo, she explained that her poultry experience got started when, "I was walking around feeling miserable and decided to stop off at the KFC at the train station. I hadn’t planned on staying there long, I just wanted some chicken wings. But once I got in there and started eating, I decided I needed time to think." 

Tan Shen cleared her schedule by calling in sick to work, and then, just... winged it.

She explained she stuck around so long because she "didn’t want to go back to my apartment because it was full of memories of him"

The KFC is a 24 hour joint, so she just hung out there. Reportedly no one noticed if she slept or not, and it took a few days for the employees to catch on.

Millions served, but all alone. (Via Yahoo)

Worker Jiang Li Lung, 22, told Yahoo, "We work in shifts here and the restaurant is open 24 hours a day, so we get a lot of people coming through. At first, no one really noticed her, but after a few days I began thinking she looked really familiar. Then I realized we had been serving her for the past three days and that she hadn’t actually left." 

Wow, nothing is lonelier than sharing every meal with people for days before they recognize you.

Jiang Li Lung continued, "When we asked her if she was ok, she said she was and just needed time to think, and then asked for another box of chicken wings with extra large fries."

That is some serious depression food. I tried to find "box of chicken wings" on the menu, but they don't serve them like that here in the States, so I went to the nutrition calculator and gave her a generous estimate of only four wings per box. Also, our KFCs serve potato wedges, not fries, but a meal of four wings and a side of wedges is about 47 grams of fat. Times that by three meals a day for seven days and we can get some estimate of how badly this guy hurt her heart by how much damage she did to her arteries. 

Once the local media caught wind of her extended chicken binge, she decided to pack things up and move to her parents' house. Plus, she says, she "got sick of the taste of chicken so there was no point in staying there anymore."

So true. 

The KFC employees felt medium-crispy-levels of sadness at her departure, saying "I guess we kind of miss her."

Good luck, Tan Shen, I hope you find the peace you are looking for, and I bet it is a piece of chicken. 

(by Myka Fox)

Where eagles putt.

One stroke under par in golf is called a birdie. Two strokes under par is called an eagle. When an actual bald eagles plays with your ball before flying off with it, you should just call it a day. Because, let's face it, no matter how well you play, your game isn't getting any better than that. Head to the clubhouse, and when someone asks how your game went, just say you eagled the entire course and have the video to prove it. Then spend the rest of the day getting hammered and celebrate being liberated from another crappy round of golf.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Some Jimmy Choos might have walked away, but the SJP Collection is for badasses only. 

"Sometimes, between agonizing over a rich douche in Paris and a rich douche at home, a girl in New York City has to wonder... what's more important? Property rights, or shoes?"

I dreamed this. X, Sj @sjpcollection

A video posted by SJP (@sarahjessicaparker) on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:00am PDT

For Carrie Bradshaw, aka actress Sarah Jessica Parker, the answer, obviously, is shoes. Ms. Parker staged an unauthorized photo shoot to promote her shoe line, the SJP Collection, last week in front of 66 Perry Street, the West Village townhouse which was used to film the exterior of Carrie's apartment in Sex and the City. The owners of the townhouse agreed long ago to let HBO film the building for the show, and they have regretted it ever since, because the sidewalk is constantly choked with tourists. I hope for their sake that Sex and the City 3 turns out to take place on a fashionable moon base.

It was take your @sjpcollection shoes to work day. #longdayforCarrie #whewwwwthosesteps #runninginheels #taxi!

A photo posted by SJP (@sarahjessicaparker) on Oct 10, 2014 at 5:51pm PDT

A source close to the building's owners told the NYPost that this latest incursion by the star herself has them at wits' end: "SJP has ignored their requests for an explanation on how she could endorse the shoot, even though ‘no trespassing’ signs are posted." 

Look what I found promenading.

A photo posted by SJP Collection (@sjpcollection) on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:02am PDT

"SJP used their house during the years of filming, and now won’t acknowledge that she and her company used the steps and facade, this time without permission, to promote her shoe line," said the source.

That's a wrap ladies.

A photo posted by SJP Collection (@sjpcollection) on Oct 10, 2014 at 6:01pm PDT

Although the owners would not speak directly, Gerald Banu heads the neighborhood Perry Street Association, and he told the Post that no one had asked permission for the shoot and that the entire block is constantly fed up with the tourists looking to take pictures of Carrie's house as it is. Said Mr. Banu, "The only thing I could suggest to SJP is that when they write the next script, please have Carrie move to a new address."

I'm going to follow them. X, Sj

A photo posted by SJP Collection (@sjpcollection) on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:03am PDT

It seems like a tough week to be either a millionaire who owns a West Village townhouse, or a millionaire who has her own Nordstrom's-exclusive shoe line. These are the kind of hard-hitting struggles that remind us why we fell in love with the gritty world of Sex and the City in the first place.

(by Johnny McNulty)