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The new 'Avengers' trailer gets a much-needed Celine Dion makeover.

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"I'm the king of the Marvel Cinematic Universe!"

In the process of creating the perfect movie trailer, teams of editors work exhaustively for weeks upon weeks, fitting two-second bits of film together in every way they can possibly imagine, experimenting with different tones, different sounds, different music. When they create a really good one, it's worth every bit of that effort. That's the case with the astounding new trailer for next summer's Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Or at least I thought it was. Now that I'm seeing this tweaked version with Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" over the existing footage, I'm realizing that those editors didn't really do their jobs. They could have created this sweeping, romantic version, and they didn't. And that's a failure:

If nothing else, let's just consider this an excuse for watching the Avengers: Age of Ultron trailer for a 76th time. Wait, let's make that 77th. Here's the original, just in case you forgot it since the last time you watched it an hour ago:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Catzilla tramples through a miniature city of cowering figurines.

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Pretty sure this is what cats dream about when they sleep.

If you live with a cat, and you have not yet erected a miniature metropolis complete with feckless military forces and puny humans to be trampled over, I think you might have to question your love for your feline companion:

I've known a great number of cats in my life, and I'm relatively certain that this is all they really wanted out of life. Yeah, they'll take your stuffed mouse toys and scratch posts, but what they really crave is mass destruction.

Oh, and belly rubs. But on their terms.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Yearly tradition.

This Is The Year We Keep All The Leaves From Falling Off The Trees

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The "Good Causes" series connects socially minded readers with organizations and ideas that can change the world, for better or worse.

by Dan Abromowitz

Change is the only certainty in this wild whack-a-mole world of ours. Tides ebb, wind whips the cliffs, seasons melt swiftly into the next. Every year, the leaves, so lush in summer, dryly litter our streets and lawns come autumn.

But society changes, too, not round and round on the painted-pony-ass carousel of seasons, but in a mad gallop toward a brighter horizon. Today, technologies like social medias and little plastic Paypal card swipers have made everyday reality what was inconceivable only a couple decades before. And that's why this year is the year that we, together, are going to keep all the leaves from falling off the trees.

Why? You know why. Because we need to know that we can. Because we all need to be able to look to our lefts and rights and see our newfound buddies Dominga and Sharif standing with us, doing what we're doing (taping leaves to trees), strivers together in this great human race.

It's a global initiative, and it's a noble initiative. It's a task as clear and crisply defined as the beautiful fall day on which that first bold cute mixed-race child tapes, staples, or hot glues the first leaf to the first tree. There's no ideology here, nothing to divide us. Yes, some will prefer to tie the leaves to branches with good strong twine, while others favor putty or just holding it in place themselves, but these are means to the same end. That end, to reiterate, is keeping all the leaves on all the trees.

Here's how you can – and will – get involved:

  • Start local! You probably have several trees right on your street, festooned with dying leaves. With a well-timed potluck or block party, you'll have a squad of happy neighbors ready to wrap them trunk to tip in clingfilm! It's almost like you're a community!
  • Share and get the word out! If everyone who reads this article sends it to 10 friends, and of those 10 friends, eight ignore it, one skims it, and one doesn't read it but messages back "thanks haha," then mathematically, in 48 hours, it will be two days closer to a world where all the leaves stay put.
  • I don't think we need to deal with pine trees or anything, but climate change is weird, so a few of you guys should at least be keeping an eye on them. Nothing excessive. "Trust, but verify."

  • If you see a leaf on the ground, don't despair! Just pick it back up and nail it to the nearest tree. Nobody need know! And if anybody finds out, blind them with lyme!!!
  • Incentivize! How about the first fifty people to staple a leaf to a branch in your neighborhood get a "KEEP CALM AND KEEP ALL THE LEAVES ON THE TREES" tanktop? With CafePress, making custom apparel is a snap!
  • Get creative! Tape and glue are effective, but why not spray trees with quick-drying epoxy to save time and effort? Or, if you've got access to genetic sequencing and viral transformation equipment, experiment with producing GMO deciduous trees that never shed their leaves? Apply for an NSF grant, maybe! You've got literally several weeks to get this done!
  • If you cut down a tree we don't have to deal with it.
  • Use the hashtag #LetsKeepAllTheLeavesOnTheTrees2014, so that there's a hashtag in there somewhere.

These are just starting points; even so, every great journey starts with a few itemized bullet points. There are trees goddamn everywhere on this incredible planet, but together, we're more powerful than they'll ever be. We're like one gigantic multiethnic intersex muscular god wrapping his enormous body around a sapling. That's what it means to be human.

We've got nature on the ropes. It's time we choke it out, and then hit it with a chair... together.

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter

The Hunger Games

Hey, look! It's a cat dressed as Jasmine riding a magic carpet Roomba.

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She's majestic, yet so down to earth.

What does a cat who is usually dressed as a shark go as for Halloween? Jasmine from Aladdin, of course! A Roomba makes a perfect magic carpet to transport Catsmine through the whole new world of the kitchen.

You're definitely going to want to watch the whole video. Not that anything happens at the end. It's just all really enjoyable.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Staind's lead singer forgot the words to the national anthem at last night's World Series game.

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Nothing more American than a cross-fade.

When you sing the national anthem, you have to sing it with heart—loudly, emotionally charged. If you make a mistake and find yourself repeating a lyric mid-way through the song, you have no choice but to double your energy, insisting that multiple things were "gallantly streaming," until the American people believe. 

Aaron Lewis of Staind is the latest person to forget the lyrics to "The Star-Spangled Banner." He performed at last night's World Series Game 5—because Staind is the most popular band in America (in the year 2002)—and mis-sang the second line as, "what so proudly we hailed were so gallantly streaming." Of course, as comedian Eddie Izzard has noted, it's not the words that matter when you're performing the national anthem, "all that people care about is the look." Personally, I always get a little choked up during the part of the national anthem where the second gallant streaming happens.

Lewis has already apologized for the incident, saying "My nerves got the best of me," which I hope doesn't mean we have to stop making fun of him now.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 27, 2014

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1. The United States Is Being Overrun With Big, Stupid, Dirty, Resource-Consuming Pigs... No, The Real Kind

The United States government is embarking upon a $20 million effort to curb the out-of-control population growth of feral pigs across 39 states. In addition to the invasive species causing about $1.5 billion in damages every year and spreading diseases on a national level, they are far too apt a metaphor to be allowed to continue on in this manner.


2. 'Boardwalk Empire' Ends In A Considerably Less Frustrating Manner Than 'The Sopranos'

Fans of Boardwalk Empire who feared having to endure another thought-provokingly ambiguous series finale like the one they got at the end of HBO's seminal hit The Sopranos—for which Boardwalk Empire creator Terence Winter served as a staff writerhad their concerns allayed last night when the show ended simply and conclusively so that when the credits rolled nobody anywhere had to think about anything at all.


3. Quintessential New Yorker Taylor Swift Named NYC's Global Welcome Ambassador

Is there anything that better exemplifies the tough, dirty spirit of New York City than the slick, country-infused pop music catalogue of Nashville, Tennessee's own singer-songwriter Taylor Swift? Of course not! That's why it makes all the sense in the world that she has been named the city's global welcome ambassador for tourism. The fact that she just released a single called "Welcome to New York" is really just a coincidence.


4. Scientists Cool Cubic Meter Of Metal Even Colder Than Your Ex's Heart

Scientists in Italy have managed to cool one cubic meter of metal down to -459.67 degrees Fahrenheit, a temperature that is very close to Absolute Zero. According to the Italian National Institute for Nuclear Physics, "The cooled copper mass... was the coldest cubic meter in the universe for over fifteen days."


5. ISIS Has Gone Too Far This Time! — May Lead To Death Of That Dog From 'Downton Abbey'

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria—commonly known as ISIS—continues its campaign of terror in Western culture. This time the victim is the only character on all of Downton Abbey that is wholly likable and worthy of no derision. The show may be killing off Lord Grantham's dog, Isis, so that viewers won't be confused into thinking that the pet is actually a Middle Eastern-based jihadist organization.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Jim Carrey made Matthew McConaughey's bizarre Lincoln commercials way better.

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Like McConaughey and Carrey themselves, the booger joke still has power even with age.

Even if you've stopped watching TV, you're probably aware that Matthew McConaughey has been shilling for the Lincoln car company in a manner so serious and self-important that it's weirding everyone out. It probably wouldn't be as bad if we didn't just spend the last two years finding out just how seriously Matthew "My hero is always myself in 10 years" McConaughey takes himself (hint: very seriously)—which makes Jim "The Majestic" Carrey a pretty good choice for mocking that mindset in this series of fake ads that ran during this week's Saturday Night Live, hosted by Carrey. If Jim Carrey is still in the market for an Oscar, maybe he should consider doing a full-length biopic of McConaughey made almost entirely out of spaced-out internal monologues:

(by Johnny McNulty)

So sweet.

Halle Berry's secret to perky boobs: Never take off your bra...not even once.

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Halle Berry and her products of 24 hour confinement.(via Getty)

Halle Berry is trying to make some zillions by selling underwear to the modern female body-haver, and she's not afraid to come with the hard sell. 

Berry has partnered with French lingerie label Scandale Paris for a new line of bras and panties to be sold at Target. But Halle Berry doesn't just want to sell one or two bras to the casual boob wrapper. She's all about the hardcore brassiere enthusiasts, the ladies who are serious about their boob game.

From her recent interview with InStyle:

I really need a good bra. My mother has taught me since I was very young that if you don’t want your boobs to hit your knees by the time you’re 30, always wear a bra, even to bed. Comfort is important to me because I wear a bra around the clock. Bras to me are key.

Around the clock. That's how you get Halle Berry boobs. You have to be ever-vigilant, never letting your breast tissue descend into its natural shape even for a single second. You have to go the distance! Because Halle Berry's mom said so, dammit.

Brilliant. Berry knows that when it comes to sales, if your customers think they already have enough of what you're selling, convince them they need so much more.

Oh you're one of those "I wear a bra to work/to school/only when I drink" ladies? Enjoy tucking your breasts into your socks when you're 30 (seriously, 30?). Good boobs requires diligence, never-ending discomfort, and strap marks so deeply embedded in your skin you can use them to store pens. 

In short, you need to buy 21 of Halle Berry's bras, three bras per day that you wear in eight hour shifts. Hell, buy 42 and wear two at a time. 

You can never be too careful.

(by Bob Powers)

The newest phone on the market is not a phone: Say hello to The No Phone.

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"Not actually a phone." (Via Kickstarter)

Just in time for the holiday season, the perfect gift for someone who already has a phone: the No Phone. It is not a phone. 

You are looking at a phone-shaped piece of plastic being hawked on Kickstarter that is designed to "act as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment." 

Why create a square piece of plastic that doesn't actually do anything that you have to buy? The makers of No Phone warn that, "phone addiction is real... It's ruining your dates. It's distracting you at concerts. It's disrupting you in movie theaters. It's clogging up sidewalks. Now, there is a real solution."

And that real solution is something fake. Basically, it's a weaning device for people addicted to their phones, similar to how vaporizers were originally intended to wean smokers off of cigarettes. But while vaporizers still deliver nicotine, the No Phone delivers no phone. 

To use the no phone, just pick it up and hold it. Like this:


Don't worry, this is just a prototype. They promise the real version will be "smoother." (Via)

For the slow-learners, here's an instructional video:

Notice how the No Phone can be held in either the right or left hand, just like a real phone! But even better, it isn't one!

The No Phone is to phones what the pet rock was to pets, nearly worthless and yet somehow successful. The Kickstarter campaign has reached nearly twice it's original goal of $5,000 with almost 500 backers.

If you think you don't need it, then you've never had not-a-phone. Here are some user testimonials provided by the No Phone Kickstarter site:

"I used to sleep with my phone in my hand, but my night terrors would cause me to hurl it across the room in an unconscious panic. With the NoPhone, I can still enjoy the comfort of holding a phone in my sleep, without waking up to a shattered screen. Thanks, NoPhone." -David H

"With the NoPhone, my eye contact skills have improved 73%." -Whitney R

"Because of the NoPhone, I haven't drunk texted my ex boyfriend in one whole week." -Craig G

"Not a real phone." -Katie A

The No Phone can be not your phone with a minimum investment backing $12 to the site, but for $6 more, you can get the no phone upgrade, which will enable you to send selfies in real time by attaching a mirror to the back of it. 


They could also call this the "Yes Mirror." (Via)

Sounds not good enough to be true, but it isn't! Here's how No Phone compares to an actual smart phone.


The No Phone also does not bend. (Via)

In addition to their suggestions of non-use, another good application for the phone with no apps is that it makes a perfect trade-off to hand a mugger if you are great at slight of hand magic. 

So, that's something?

(by Myka Fox)

Freemasonry

Eek-bola.

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Honey Boo Boo.


(via TMZ)

We've all had a good time laughing at Honey Boo Boo's unintentionally hilarious family over the last few years, but the family has become much less funny in the past week. TLC recently canceled the new season of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" after news came out that mom June Shannon is dating her ex-boyfriend Mark McDaniel, a convicted child sex offender who allegedly molested her older daughter Anna Marie several years ago. In addition to the show being canceled, Mama June may face a visit from Georgia's Child Protective Services—all because of information discovered by TMZ. Mama June denies reuniting with McDaniel, but TMZ's photos suggest otherwise, and they even show Honey Boo Boo spending time with him. As these disturbing family problems unfold on a national stage, fans of the show are questioning whether networks spend enough time vetting the people they put on our televisions or work hard enough to protect vulnerable children they put in the spotlight. Just kidding, we're obvs ready for the next set of weirdos! —SRD

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4. Health care workers returning from West Africa.


(via Steven Hyman, Hickox's lawyer)

A nurse returning from treating Ebola patients in Sierra Leone through Newark, New Jersey, has spoken out about her treatment by public health officials. After being detained for 7 hours—only slightly longer than a normal Newark Airport delay—Kaci Hickox was involuntarily quarantined at a New Jersey hospital despite being asymptomatic. While not everyone thinks that's such a bad thing—Chris Christie was like whatevsher description of her experience reveals how disorganized and fear-driven our response to Ebola has the potential to be. On Sunday, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo changed the terms of the state's new 21-day mandatory quarantine, saying healthcare workers could be at home and would be compensated for the time they missed at work. The good news is: you're way too selfish to consider going to West Africa anyway, so aside from the fact that a stymied response to Ebola abroad means it will probably get worse here, this doesn't really affect you! —SRD

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3. Oprah, because her driver rolled over someone's foot.


(Facebook via Page Six)

It must be hard to be Oprah. You're so beloved that the standards you're held to are completely unreasonable. Your hair has to be perfect. Your words carefully chosen. Your driver can never roll over someone's foot. Yes, that's exactly what happened to Oprah Saturday night, and she handled it with class. The Queen of Talk was visiting Miami restaurant Prime 112 when her SUV's driver rolled over Miami woman Lori Geller Bender's toes. Bender's husband banged on the window to get the driver to reverse, and she escaped with minimal injuries. Oprah jumped out of the car to apologize, offering to take some photos together, which is the going compensation for toe-crushing. Bender told Page Sixshe "wasn't hurt," but that seems hard to believe. Maybe she was just distracted by being so close to Oprah's glow. —SRD

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2. Anyone hoping to see Ariana Grande out in public while Ebola's still a thing. 


(Getty)

A whole bunch of people were disappointed last Wednesday when Ariana Grande was a no-show for a charity gala for Pencils of Promise, a foundation that donates educational supplies to children in developing countries. Why did she bail on the downtown Manhattan event? According to insider sources, it was the tiny diva's petrifying fear of catching Ebola on an airplane or in New York. According to event organizers, she was absent due to scheduling issues, although a cursory search of the star's social media showed she wasn't doing something else, and her manager Scooter Braun was at the event. So basically, if you ever want to see Arianna Grande in public again, you'll have to wait until the whole Ebola situation gets resolved enough that she'll come out of her underground bunker. —JMC

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1. Anyone hoping to see a new last name in the White House in 2016. 

(via Flickr)

Speaking in that characteristic, somewhat nonsensical Bush fashion, Jeb Bush's son George P. told ABC yesterday regarding his dad's potential run for president: "I think it's more than likely that he's giving this a serious thought in moving forward." So let's get real here: we're looking at a Clinton-Bush match-up in two years. Though it's a little depressing that our plutocracy continues to masquerade as a democracy, in all honesty, this should make things a lot simpler. No getting to know a new family or learning what we hate about each candidate—we've got two devils we know, and all we have to do is be too apathetic to vote. —SRD


Jurassic Park

Someone put a camera on a bottle of Fireball before passing it around a wedding.

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He's gonna hit that pacifier next.

Fire the bartenders, all your wedding needs is one bottle of disgusting drinkable Fireball whiskey. 

Some groomsmen attached their GoPro camera to the end of a bottle of frat-guy vomit-juice so they could document its journey through a wedding. Starting in the hotel suite, the bottle is consumed face-first by bros before making it to what appears to be an empty hotel bar, then on to the old-lady-tram, and eventually landing at the scenic golf course wedding party pavilion. If you are worried about how everyone's going mouth-to-bottle, never underestimate the disinfecting power of cinnamon (and 33% alcohol by volume)!

No surprise that the bottle made it through to the wee hours of the party. Despite Fireball's insane success, the sugar-to-alcohol ratio on this bad boy requires that it be consumed modestly, lest you end up in one of Psy's music videos

The only thing missing from this video are the sickened reactions after the drinkers have swallowed the drink and realize they've been dosed with spring break cough syrup. 

Can't wait for the Internet to photoshop the bottle into a dick. Calling it now. 

(by Myka Fox)

This dogs enjoying swinging compilation makes it clear that dogs on swings is a thing.

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Stay tuned for "Toddlers Fetching Sticks Compilation."

Evidently, dogs enjoy swinging. And dogs on swing sets is all kinds of cute. But one thing this video makes clear is that dogs don't enjoy swinging nearly as much as their owners enjoy putting them on swing sets. And because dogs enjoy nothing more than bringing joy into their owner's lives, they endure the swinging like champs. The owners seem to get such a kick out of watching their dogs swing, the title of the video could be Humans Love Dogs Tolerating Swinging Compilation. Either way, dogs on swings is a thing, and it's pretty cute.

Another possible title could be Humans Fail To Follow The Rules Of The Playground Compilation, but that kind of hits the ear wrong.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Titanium

LeVar Burton delivers a dramatic reading of 'Go the F*** to Sleep.'

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Cover your inner child's ears. (via)

Reading Rainbow host LeVar Burton trampled all over your childhood memories this past weekend when—during a charity event organized by the Austin, Texas-based production studio Rooster Teeth—he gave a live reading of Adam Mansbach's classic children's book for frustrated parents, Go the Fuck to Sleep.

The following video of the event features the comforting tones of Burton's voice speaking the word "fuck" a fuck-load of times, so maybe think twice about blasting this through your office or family playroom:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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