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16 family Halloween costumes these innocent children may never recover from.

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Not even the parents want to be wearing these. (via)

Halloween is a great holiday for exploiting your kids—dress them up, push them out into the cold, and then when they get home, steal their candy. But for these parents, kidsploitation extends beyond sugary treats to the realm of family costumes. Specifically, costumes no child could ever have thought up. From the surreal to the terrifying to the incredibly embarrassing, these photos may be the scariest thing you see this October.


We've seen far too many of these characters naked for this to be comfortable. (via)

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Dad of the year unless you stop to think how creepy this is! (via)

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He did it to embarrass himself, not his kids. (via)

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That kid needs a more responsible father and a light.(via)

Lol!!! U mad I dressed you like a troll, bro?(via)

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Aww. Little cutie's being boiled awive, isn't she? Oh yes, she is. (via)

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Get away from my candy, you bitch! (via) 

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This definitely won't haunt anyone's dreams.(via)

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That cherubic, smiling little girl is clearly miscast as Wednesday.(via) 

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Should have just left him in the woods where they found him. (via) 

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He'll haunt your naps. (via)

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Nemo's dad would never hold him that loosely! (via) 

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Time for a costume as weird as the show it's based on.(via) 

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Why Little Red Riding Hood, what a bushy beard you have! (via)

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They can wage an epic battle, but then someone needs to go down for his nap.(via)

(by Shira Rachel Danan)


Halloween

10 Halloween Costume Ideas For Anyone Willing To Be Honest With Themselves

Weight for it.

Our day.

How different states are handling people who may have been exposed to Ebola.

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Federal law allows each state to institute tougher quarantine laws than the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends. Here's how we can expect certain states to handle their quarantine of people who may have been exposed to Ebola:

Arizona: Health care workers returning from West Africa allowed to enter state, but Ebola virus forced to leave unless it can prove citizenship 

California: Put on 21-day FODMAP cleanse

Colorado: Given medical marijuana, ordered to hang out at home until "everything's chill"

Florida: Monitored until they are once again able to ride a motorcycle naked on bath salts without throwing up 

Georgia: People asked real nicely to stay at home, but nobody's going to make them or anything

Hawaii: Forcibly quarantined on a gorgeous beach in Kailua-Kona for as long as they can convince public health officials to let them stay there

Idaho: Quarantined at home, with twice daily visits from Buster Poindexter, who will perform "Hot Hot Hot" and then personally test them for an elevated temperature

Louisiana: Will serve out 21-day quarantine in large, public place where people can be easily monitored all together: the Superdome

Maine: Taken out to the woods and told they'll be collected in spring if they manage to survive the winter

Minnesota: Ebola virus lulled into safe hibernation stage by playing recordings of Garrison Keillor's voice on repeat

Montana: Residents required to continue living at least 50 miles apart

Nebraska: Off-season corn mazes to be turned into Ebola quarantine mazes

New Jersey: Governor Chris Christie to personally shout at Ebola in affected person's blood until it gets annoyed and leaves

New York: If Ebola can make it here, it can stay

North Dakota: Anyone suspected of having Ebola immediately deported to South Dakota

South Dakota: Anyone suspected of having Ebola immediately deported to North Dakota

Texas: Issued a handgun to use in self-defense against any viral strands that try to invade their bloodstream

Washington, D.C.: Quarantined inside Oval Office to prove to public there's nothing to fear, subjected to twice daily photo-ops

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

A man dressed as a zombie got hit by a car while trying to scare motorists.

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I'm gonna kill every last one of you!

A Western Michigan man possibly attempting to save his town from impending doom struck a zombie with his car Saturday, and drove away. Now police are looking for the heartless assailant who did a hit-and-run on a man dressed in a zombie costume. 

Apparently, Jeff Stiles was dressed as a zombie for a Halloween party and decided to scare the motorists driving by when he stepped out for a cigarette break. His little prank worked too well, because a man ran right into him, suggesting certain intent to save himself and his precious live brains. Either that, or it was dark and the man didn't see Stiles before smacking into him with his vehicle. 


You can't kill the dead.

Stiles was taken to a hospital where his injuries were not considered life-threatening, unlike his costume, which nearly got him killed. The costume was so convincing, that after hitting Stiles and rescuing the town from zombie assault, the motorist fled the scene lest there be other zombies lurking about. Or, the motorist is just a terrible person who doesn't care for the well being of others and doesn't want points on his insurance for hitting a man with his car.

Police are now searching for the driver or any information that will lead them to him. It is important they find him. In the even of a real zombie apocalypse, this guy has the experience to rescue us all. 

(by Myka Fox)

Here's how to get a stuck ring off a fat finger using only a piece of string.

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Just because you bought the Cracker Jacks doesn't mean you need to wear the ring.

I just want to know one thing: did someone put a too-small ring on for this video, or was some unfortunate person walking around with their index finger looking like a long, turgid tomato before a dude with a video camera was like, "Yo, we need to do something about this"?

We've all gotten something stuck on our fingers before, whether because we simply underestimated the size of our knuckles when we put a ring on, because we gained a few pounds, or because we sprained our finger while flipping God the bird really hard because he made us gain weight. Normally, my reaction in that scenario is to freak out and cry and cover my whole body in butter, which is my solution to most problems, but is also somewhat helpful in sliding off rings. Next time, though, I may try this string trick.

(by Johnny McNulty)


5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 28, 2014

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1. Citizens of Toronto Gamble On A Non-Crack-Smoking Mayor

Last night, transformative Canadian politician John Tory became the first non-crack-addicted or clinically insane person to be elected as the mayor of Toronto in nearly four years. The current mayor, Rob Ford, will now go back to his old seat on the city council, while Tory's opponent Doug Ford will go back to just being some obnoxious dick.


2. U.S. Senate Battle Could Drag On And On Until Nation Is Enormous Smoldering Crater

Several senatorial races in the upcoming midterm election are sufficiently close—such as those in Louisiana and Georgia—that there is good reason to believe that they may result in run-off elections which could ultimately decide which party controls the upper house of the U.S. legislative branch and give the nation several more weeks in which to tear itself utterly asunder.


3. North Korea Contends It Only Kidnapped A Slightly Higher-Than-Acceptable Number Of Japanese Citizens

After several decades of bitter antagonism, officials from North Korea are finally agreeing to sit down with counterparts from Japan to discuss the fates of all the Japanese citizens that they always pretended not to have kidnapped back in the 1970s and 1980s. While Japan has accused its neighbor of abducting hundreds of Japanese citizens, North Korea disagrees, admitting to a much more reasonable 13 people. 


4. Marvel Studios Gives Respected Character Actor Benedict Cumberbatch A Chance To Finally Make A Name For Himself

After weeks of speculation of who would be playing Marvel's cosmic magician Doctor Strange in an upcoming film adaptation, it now appears as though Disney has settled on obscure British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, whom audiences will remember from his recent roles as a slaveowner in 12 Years a Slave and as that one guy from Atonement.


5. Johann Sebastian Bach Was A Big, Stupid, Phony Fraud, According To One Theory That Is Almost Certainly Not Correct

According to a new theory that is almost laughable in its improbability, famed German composer Johann Sebastian Bach was not the actual author of some of his most popular pieces of music. A documentary that is actually being aired on television claims that Bach's wife Anna Magdalena ghost-wrote a number of pieces—such as parts of the "Goldberg Variations"—for her husband.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

5 text messages you should never ever send (and 5 that you maybe should).

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Face it, most of us are horrible at texting. It's just so easy when you're all alone to let your thumbs do the thinking for you, but it will inevitably get you into unfortunate situations that could have easily been avoided. Text This, Not That! offers a quick primer with 5 text messages you should never send, and 5 that you maybe should.

TEXTING YOUR EX

Shouldn't send...

Come on! That never works out. You think you two are going to be the magic couple for whom breakup sex will lead to anything but an extension of the heartache you finally left behind after months of agony? Nope.

Should send...

Much better. From now on, maybe just send this one out every time you leave the house.

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TEXTING YOUR BOSS

Shouldn't send...

Come on. Ew. You and your boss shouldn't be sharing things like this. A good employer-employee relationship requires that some things be left to the wonders of mystery.

Should send...

Excellent. Boss is intrigued but not aghast. You still need that roll, but that's what texting interns is for.

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TEXTING YOUR KIDS

Shouldn't send...

Save it for next week's couples counseling, Mom. Besides, your kid already knows about the barren desert of indifference stretching between you and his dad. Just get to the point.

Should send...

Threats. The backbone of parenting.

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TEXTING THE POLICE

Shouldn't send...

Are you crazy? This is just the kind of thing that some might call "incriminating." If you need to text the police, you have to be more careful. Like this.

Should send...

Perfect. Guess who just got crossed off the list of suspects!

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TEXTING A KARDASHIAN

Shouldn't send...

Whoa! Are you drunk? They'll take that kind of thing to heart! Think of the rest of us.

Should send...

Nicely done! And congrats on being on a texting basis with a Kardashian, even if it is Rob.

Send screencaps of dumb texts you're considering sending, or dumb texts that you've been sent, to Text This, Not That! by emailing submissions@someecards.com. We'll include them in a future post.

(by Bob Powers)

Related: 15 brutally honest text message auto-replies that would significantly improve your life.

Walk of shame.

Woman traveling cross-country offers sex to any man who will give her a nice place to crash.

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It's time you let someone else do some giving. (Via)

If you're a man in China who is "good looking, under 30, taller than 1.75 metres and, of course, rich," then good news! 19-year-old Ju Peng will have sex with you in exchange for putting her up and paying for her travel expenses as she tours across China. 

Last I checked (just now), prostitution is still illegal in China, but she has already toured across all of eastern China this way, and still has her ad for good-looking and rich patrons on Weibo, China's Twitter.

According to the Telegraph, Ju's post reads that the right man will, "fund my transport to their city and all my expenses while I am there and they need to be generous. In return, they get a whole night with me, my undivided attention, and a chance to show themselves off in the company of a truly beautiful girl."


Love is all around, no need to waste it. (Via)

Who wouldn't want to spend an evening with a woman who refers to herself as a "truly beautiful girl?

When you put it like Ju does, traveling around while enjoying someone's home and generosity sounds kinda fun! Except for the required sex, which has got to be the weirdest part about being a prostitute, am I right?

Ju sees her benefactors not as Johns, but as "temporary boyfriends." Interesting perspective, Ju. In my experience, all boyfriends are temporary.

Ju adds, "It is sort of like hitchhiking. It's nothing to be ashamed of.”

Yeah... you probably shouldn't be hitchhiking either. 

(by Myka Fox)

A traffic reporter called a news anchor "fat" without realizing her mic was on.

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KTLA makes me wish I lived in LA.

You've probably done something dumb and embarrassing at work this week, but at least your mistake wasn't broadcast live to one of the largest cities in the country. Ginger Chan, a traffic reporter for KTLA,  on the other hand, made a sarcastic remark from the privacy of the traffic booth without realizing her mic was still on, and she'll never live it down.

Sam Rubin, a morning anchor, was telling a story where his wife asked "When did you become the fat one on that show?" and Chan blurted out "He's always been the fat one!" A half second later, she realized her words had been heard by everyone and looked appropriately horrified. 

Rubin says he and Chan were "able to 'hug it out,'" and he also wrote a pretty thoughtful post on Medium about being an overweight man on a morning news program as opposed to a woman. Clearly, the solution is for both male and female morning news anchors to be a little chunky and disheveled so the rest of us can feel better about ourselves on Monday mornings. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Kevin Smith still looks too much like Kevin Smith without his signature beard.

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All will be revealed.

Kevin Smith is known primarily for three physical attributes: the girth that serves as topic for much of his self-deprecating humor; that hockey jersey which may or may not be stapled to his abdomen; and the close-cropped please-treat-me-like-an-adult beard he's worn since 1994's Clerks.

It now appears as though he's losing two of those attributes. After some serious dieting, he's recently dropped about twenty pounds. And that's not even counting whatever that beard weighed before he shaved it off for his next movie, Yoga Hosers:

Whoa! Who'd have guessed that underneath that beard there was even more Kevin Smith?!

Just imagine what we'll find if he ever takes off that hockey jersey.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A woman used a hidden camera to prove how many times she gets harassed in a single day in NYC.

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"Damn! You must get disrespected a lot!"

Most guys understand that cat-calling women is a problem. But when you don't have to deal with it yourself, it's difficult to wrap your brain around how awful the experience must be for women who have to constantly deal with dudes hurling sexual shout-outs like it was their job.

To illustrate just how awful, and often frightening, it can be, Shoshana B. Roberts walked around New York City with a hidden camera to record the abuse that is all too common for women everywhere.

The come-ons ranged from the garden-variety "Damn girl," and requests to "smile"—as if she was a contestant in a talent contest—to dudes just outright stalking her for minutes at a time on the off chance that Roberts had a thing for dirtbags with nowhere to be, spewing dialogue from gonzo porn videos.

She filmed for ten hours and was cat-called 100 times. That would be a high number if she was carrying a sign saying "Looking to meet jobless douchebags." For someone dressed casually without a sign, the number is all kinds of wrong.

So, if you're a guy who honestly wonders why women don't smile more while walking the streets of New York, you have your answer. From now on, keep the questions to yourself.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


This Paralympian with one leg has the best Halloween costume every single year.

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That's why I always went as the Paper Cuts And Lemon Juice Monster.

Josh Sundquist is a really impressive guy who makes everyone else's Halloween costumes look stupid every year. I mean, most Halloween costumes look stupid every year anyway, but we pretend that the act of getting several people to all dress up like the Avengers at the same time is one of life's true challenges. Josh Sundquist is there to burst that bubble, because he may have a better perspective on how easy making a Halloween costume is compared to, you know, everything else. 

He survived a childhood cancer that claimed his leg, he's the only person ever to be both a member of the US Paralympic Ski Team and the US Amputee Soccer Team, he's an author, a motivational speaker, and a vlogger—but he's probably best known for winning Halloween every year on the Internet. After being the Gingerbread Man from Shrek, the leg lamp from A Christmas Story, and an insanely acrobatic flamingo, Sundquist tapped into that soccer experience for his 2014 costume. He did explain on his blog for curious questioners that playing Amputee Soccer is nothing like foosball, he just wanted to make fun of the fact that all foosball players "always have a plastic mono-leg." Here's a quick video showing the making of the costume:

And FYI, he explains on his blog that he did have a costume in 2011, but he went as "Angry Birds" and it was un-one-leg-related.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This couple's before-and-after shots of their wedding party make their reception look like a lot of fun.

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BEFORE: Classy. (via)

Candice and Tom had a beautiful fall wedding recently, and they wanted to make sure to capture every moment—from the perfectly coordinated pre-ceremony looks to the inevitable, inebriated post-reception snuggle fest. 


AFTER: Sloshed, but still somehow classy. (via)

To make sure she got those late night moments, photographer Carrie Roberts of Elite Digital Images had the bridal party "play obscenely drunk," she told HuffPo. Everyone was game and perfectly acted the part of exhausted, wasted party guests. The only detail they missed in this excellent pre-enactment: too many of these women are still wearing heels! 

Roberts had an amazing time photographing this wedding, and even got "choked up" when the event was over. Wow, if you make your photographer cry, you know you've had a good wedding.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

13 reasons why dogs wearing Halloween masks needs to become an annual tradition.

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Balloons? You must be looking for those other dogs. (Via)

You may think you know your dog, but once you see how perfectly your horse mask fits over his head and matches his fur, you may just be ready to take him with you on your next bank robbery, or, uh, trick-or-treating. 

Doggy hates wearing that sweater you got him for Christmas, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't walk around with a big plastic mask on for your amusement. Or, at least get a picture of him wearing it. Come on, what are you, an animal?


A horse is a dog, of course, of course. (Via)

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Spot is starting to regret agreeing to medical testing. (Via

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You can have two wishes and then I'm using the last one to get this thing off me. (Via)

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He's his own best friend. (Via)

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I'm ready to stop eating my poop and start throwing it. (Via)

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Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our duvet cover. (Via)


I'll take skinny legs white horse for the win. (Via)

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Ducks have dog masks for beaks, so these dogs have ducks masks for beaks. (Via)

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Dog with a dolphin mask, or dolphin in a dog suit. (Via)

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This wiener dig is pure bread. (Via)

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Everybody be cool! If no one loses their head, then no one loses their head. (Via)

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No, I'm not cat. I'm horse dog. (Via)

(by Myka Fox)

This dog knows how to fetch a beer from the fridge for his person.

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"Here's that disgusting tainted water you enjoy drinking, human."

Approximately 160 million years ago, the modern dog's earliest mammalian ancestor walked the earth as a frightened little vole-like creature called a synapsid. After about 120 million years, their lineage broke away from other mammals to form the Carnivora order with their sharp meat-eating teeth and fierce flesh-tearing claws. 

Around 8 million years ago, the first wolves emerged from the crowd of Canidae relatives and established themselves as truly intelligent and fearsome hunters, and it was only about 32,000 years ago that a strain of those wolves broke off, allowed themselves to become domesticated by humans and turn into dogs as we know them.

And, now that we have this video of Bennett the Australian Cattle Hound rushing off to the refrigerator to fetch a beer for his human companion, it becomes clear that the dog has reached the pinnacle of its evolution:

I'm pretty sure the next evolutionary step will be teaching us to fetch beers for them.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Dad attempts the rope swing and it goes about as well as you'd expect.

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Mom's already dialing 911.

I don't want to spoil the ending, so I'll just say this clip delivers everything you'd want in a "dad attempts the rope swing" video; the nervous laughter from friends who realize it's a terrible idea; the Tarzan yell, and, most importantly, an incredibly painful finale. When your kid is yelling "Dad is going to die!" you should probably rethink whatever it is you're about to attempt. But that's not what dads do. They do dumb stuff because no matter how old or out of shape they are, somewhere deep down they think they've still "got it." That's why my eyes light up anytime I see "dad" followed by words like "skateboard," "trampoline," "high dive," or "rope swing."

You can see him smile at the end, so it looks like he'll live to swing another day. Probably not anytime soon. But someday.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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