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I'm as impressed as I am bored with your knowledge of wine.


Let's drink on the beach until we're no longer ashamed to show our bodies on the beach.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 11, 2013

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Why could today be big for hookers and cocaine dealers? What rad song is sort of like the horrific Asiana plane crash? Who's admitting their client is a psychotic murderer? The answers to all that and more in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

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You put the fun in functioning alcoholic.

Our friendship has a better benefits package than my job.

Let's discuss fine wines while drinking a crappy bottle that we can afford.

Let's drink to alcohol.

Thank you for letting me overstay my welcome at your summer house.


Let's go on a wine tasting tour of the nearest dive bar.

My workout routine consists of sweating out alcohol so I can go drink again.

You make me want to be a better alcoholic.

Technically, you're not drinking alone if your kids are home.

Sorry there's no Instagram filter that makes your cloud photos good.

Let me know if there's anything I can bring to your summer house so I can feel better about staying there for free.

I hope my half-assed attempt at washing a few dishes helped justify my stay at your summer house.


Thanks for the impressive bottle of wine that I assume someone else picked out.

Your knowledge of wine is almost as impressive as your use of it to disguise your alcoholism.

My happy hour begins as soon as you leave the office.

The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.

Whenever you're feeling lonely, I'll always be there for you unless I'm out doing something fabulous with my awesome boyfriend.

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