Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Bald-faced truth.


The most insane roommate ads ever posted on Craigslist.

0
0

And if you ever get sick of your kids, we'll eat em for ya! (Via)

Looking for a roommate is every young person's rite of passage, and like most rites this one often ends in bloodshed. Searching the ads you learn all about the human condition and its propensity for veganism, nudism, and in-home compost heaps. These immensely entertaining ads represent the full spectrum of strange, scary and delightfully insane characters encountered during the typical Craigslist roommate search.


What if I'm renting my dick? Then can we be roomies? (Via)

.


I'd kill to attend a monthly sleep party. (Via)

.


Hard to find a pro-ranting-in-the-house roommate sitch.  (Via)

.


Female, your floor mattress (and middle-aged man) are waiting for you! (Via)

.

Updated 7/29/14:


Not a clue what most of this means, but the bathroom part sounds like he might not be a neat-freak at least. (Via)

.


"Talk?" At least the ones who demand sex for rent are up front about it. (Via)

.

(click image to enlarge)

Nice housing for like-minded nazi. No sex! (Via)

.


He had us at "do your laundry." Worth it!(Via)

.

Updated 6/26/14:


"Yeah I had fun in college, except for that year I was a live-in sex slave for Gandalf."(Via)

.


Does the other wife also have to be a "state fitness winner"? Or just a medalist? (Via) 

.


Count the exclamation points. That's how many times per week this guy will accuse you of leaving a dish in the sink.(Via)

.

Updated 5/27/14:


I may let you pay for shelter with prostitution, but I draw the line at parties! 

.


Okay, that's a nice living room. Maybe staring at balls all day is worth it?

.


Yoga, vegan, fine. Why'd you have to bring "hugs" into it?!

.


"Curvy" woman for cleaning? At least the "barter for sex" guy was up front about it. 

.


Doesn't Craigslist have a "no astrological discrimination" policy?

.

Updated 4/24/14:


Nothing like a roommate whose primary demand is "care for me." (Via)

.


It pays to read the entire ad before setting up an appointment.

 .


It can be assumed a prerequisite it you have to murder the existing neighbor.(Via)

 .


So wait. Loving dirt and kidnapped sex partners is cool? Got it.

 .


Craiglist would free up a lot of space if they just had a separate "Sex Slave Wanted" section.

 .

Updated 3/26/14:


Just don't start the dialogue with, "So what are you wearing?"

 .


You better like him. It's really hard to move out in the middle of the ocean.

 .


Hi. Please help me fulfill my dream of having live-in threesomes. I can offer shelter.

 .


So if I move in, is that thing in the corner up for grabs?

 .


It's bi day today. Do bisexual people date or do they jump straight into moving in together?

 .



It might be worth moving in with this couple just to watch their relationship disintegrate.

 .

Updated 2/27/14:


Sorry, but if you ingest dairy, no live-in threesome situation for you!

 .


You get a nice room, and every once in a while you have to carry the pumpkin.

 .


Why's "taking a shit" a part of it? Nudism and poop don't go hand-in-hand.

 



That's how you write a nudist ad. Touching makes sense. Doesn't say a word about poop.

 


Stay away. Based on 'House Of Cards,' government-workers are all murdering psychopaths.

 

Updated 1/28/14:


This couple really knows how to cut to the chase. (Via)

 


Watch over a terrified young person 24/7 and you live rent free!

 



You had me at the nazi tattoo on your arm.
(Via)

 


Just a tip, 420 really helps ease people into the "walking around nude" thing.

 

Updated 10/3/13:


Amenities include use of the anti-bacterial footbath.

 



There was one misprint in the ad. Not sure how "no sex" got in there. Damn typos.

 



I just require the incomparable cooking and cleaning skills or a stripper or escort.

 


Have sex with me and you could have days of shelter. Days!

 


I'm really horny and need a ride to the airport. Thanks.

 



Go with this guy. He's the only one who's actually interested in you living.

 

Updated 9/3/13:


Okay, but I get to be the big spoon.

 


She already evicted me!

 



Define "basic cuddling." Does that include nose nuzzling? I draw the line at nose nuzzling.



"Mature" means you can't make fart sounds every time you see his bare ass.

 


So it's either rape or murder but you can't do both. Don't be a greedy roommate!

 

 


I don't know. I saw a hole in Brooklyn for only $525.

 

Updated 8/2/13:


Wow, a two-bedroom!

 


But if the dog and cat are fixed, no worries about cross-species breeding with my gator!

 


Expect a lot of responses from people convinced they're the ones who'll make you happy.

 


I just get along better with women in the sex industry. Sorrrrrr-REE!

 



An apartment above a garage on a golf course? Feet don't fail me now!

 

Updated 7/2/13:


Baby's busy covering your "conditions." Ask your meth head friends to do a quick revision.

 


What kind of woman would go for this?!

 


There she is. How can we connect these two?

 


If the two above got this guy as a landlord, the entire living arrangement would be sexualized!

 


Cats okay ever since we realized we have no way of keeping them out.

Updated 6/5/13:



How cool is this place? They even have their own super-soakers!

 


Bet this dump will be super-soaker free.

 


You being hot is payment enough...until I raise the rent with a demand for sex.

 


I hate people who have a bunch of hangups. Oh and also, NO GAYS!!!

 



Actually, screw the room rental. Just let me and my husband have sex with you, cool?

 



Pretty sure this is a parody, but it has a important message: Never, ever live with a hippie.

Updated 5/2/13:


And he does mean "lady!" Mannered, highborn asians to cook and clean and live in a basement, only! 

 



We can't see the downside. For you. For us, this is awful.

 


The orange one ate the last roommate.

 


"lol" = Loser Online.

 



At least this ad's upfront about the cats. And the old women.

 


Nerd Manor awaits you.

Updated 4/2/13:


Our day-to-day hairstyle would best be described as "dandruffy."

 


You can't just adopt a big dog? Or lure a drunk stranger home with you?

 



 Except if you're a Judo guy and he's into Jujitsu, it'll never work.

 


Drive me to the airport. Pick up my laundry. Hourly nude fast-dancing. You know, "favors."

 



Great idea, but you'll still get the crazies. It's not the ad, there just isn't anyone else on Craigslist.

 

Updated 2/12/13:


Your handwritten "No Girls Allowed" sign will look great above the entranceway.

 



At $500 a month your wife can afford to leave out some bras and panties for Travis.

 



Oh and I'm saving water so we'll have to share showers too. Cool?

 


Blonde dye jobs need not apply. HE WILL NOT SHARE ACCOMMODATIONS WITH LIARS!

 


Unless he's shaved, don't eat that breakfast, roomie.

 

Updated 10/16/12:


What if we prefer a Caps-Lock-Free living space?

 



If you hold the belt for our autoerotic asphyxiation sessions, it's a deal.

 


Don't laugh. Our Dad and Mom fell in love when she answered his "Used Chevy For Sale And Let's Get Married" ad.

 



Better headline would be "Severely Malfunctioning Humanoid Seeks No One." 

 



No go. We did some stuff when we were three that we don't wanna remember. Suffice to say, it involved Weeble Wobbles.

 


Define "sexy." Also, this being Craigslist, define "women."

 

Updated 8/27/12:

 

 

 

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO SEE FULL AD >

 

Updated 7/10/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

 

Updated 5/1/12:

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

Updated 2/9/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted 8/26/11:

<CLICK IMAGE TO SEE THE FULL AD>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take this.

Missouri governor accidentally tweets photo of himself voting without noticing woman's butt crack beside him.

0
0


I'd vote for a ballot measure that required people to pull their damn pants up.
(screengrab via Gawker)

Missouri governor Jay Nixon is once again facing scrutiny today. This time it's not for his handling of the protests surrounding the death of Michael Brown in Ferguson, it's for his inadvertent tweet of a lady's butt. 

Yesterday, a staffer posted the Election Day photo above to Nixon's Twitter account, failing to notice that beside the voting governor was a woman with an exposed butt crack. The photo was quickly taken down and replaced with one of some poll workers, but this is the sort of mistake you cannot afford to make when you're the governor of the Show Me State. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Biggest loser.

Autumn

Red state blues.

No we can't.


Instagret.

Daily grind.

Caroline wants to edit your #$%&ing college assignments, and I think you better let her.

0
0


Before you waste twenty minutes, no, there are no typos in this. The Internet looked.

I feel very awkward writing this right now, because I'm pretty sure that Caroline is out there, judging me. Was that too many commas? I'm freaking out.

Anyway, Caroline here is offering her services as a copyeditor to the students of an as-yet-unidentified university (she appears to be a graduate student in Physics, however), and inevitably, her profanity-laden sales pitch about why grammar-challenged students need to hire her made its way to reddit. Needless to say, they fell head-over-heels for her correct punctuation, her take-no-guff attitude, and her cat. One commenter did say that they know her, and that her cat's name is Niels (as in Bohr, as in the giant of Big Girl Physics). In short, there are a lot of nerds out there looking for transfer applications to wherever-this-is so they can bring a purposefully error-filled essay to her place. 

Finally, yes, you are looking at her ring and pinky fingers from her right hand, and probably a left thumb holding the cat's butt. The rest of the fingers are hidden in the cat-folds. Mystery solved.

(bJohnny McNulty)

If Office Politics Had Slogans.

Midterm Shift.

A bus driver found out his wife was pregnant after using her urine to cheat on a drug test.

0
0


"Honey, can I borrow your pee for a minute?" (File photo)

A bus driver in Egypt was caught cheating on his drug test when the results came back that he was pregnant. 

The man was chosen at random by the transport authority to take the test along with other bus drivers and, fearing he would fail, submitted his wife's urine. He was confident she hadn't been doing drugs, but had no idea that his wife was two months pregnant. 

That is, until the results of his test came back. 

According to the BBC, before officials revealed the test results, they asked the bus driver to confirm that the urine submitted was his. When he confirmed, they told him, "Congratulations, you're pregnant."

Should have made for an interesting conversation at home:

"How come you didn't tell me you were pregnant?"

"How come you didn't tell me you were doing drugs?"

"I'll be home for dinner by 6."

Now, as the BBC reports, the transport authority will be requiring drivers to submit blood along with a urine sample to ensure the authenticity of the samples. Which is too bad for the driver, because the addition of the new child would have kept him in clean piss for years.

(by Myka Fox)

This cake version of Ralph Wiggum looks unpossibly good.

0
0


Whether or not you choo-choo-choose to believe it, this is a cake, not a drawing of one. 

There are many mornings that I wake up thinking, "I deserve a big helping of cake today," and "I deserve a big helping of The Simpsons today." Usually, I have to settle for going to work and watching cat videos that don't involve Itchy or improbable gore. Well, Kylie of Freshly Squeezed, a bakery/graphic design/event planning shop in Courtenay, Canada, is a much luckier person than I am. Not only did she and her coworker get both cake and Simpsonsthey got both in one photorealistic (if you can use that term with a cartoon) package, complete with improbable gore. But since someone clearly gave Ralph Wiggum scissors when everyone knows he can't even be trusted with the plastic kind, I guess it's not completely out of the question. The cake was created as the shop's entry in a contest for Threadcakes, which you can go see now.


See? Cake.

Before you get too jealous of Kylie's caking abilities, keep in mind that this did take five days to make, apparently. If you still, after all this, don't think that's a cake, so scroll through redditor mistermonkus' album to see how it was made:

Be careful with the chocolate parts, though. Chocolate never comes out.

(by Johnny McNulty)


A man will by swallowed whole by an anaconda on a Discovery Channel show called 'Eaten Alive.'

0
0


Hope that's not the snake. (via)

If all goes according to plan, on December 7th, you'll get to see a guy get puked up by an anaconda on TV. That's because the dwindling staff who make up the nature department at the Discovery Channel have given up on finding Bigfoot for long enough to discover how much snake abuse they can get away with on television. On a special called Eaten Alive, "naturalist and wildlife filmmaker" Paul Rosolie will be swallowed whole by a hungry and unlucky anaconda that won't know it's being punk'd as part of a stunt that sounds like it was ripped from a David Blaine notebook labeled "Bad Ideas."

Rosolie will be wearing a "snake proof suit," which will supposedly allow him to survive being crushed, swallowed, and regurgitated by the incredibly bummed snake. Who knows what will actually happen on the show. Hopefully, the special will follow the Finding Bigfoot blueprint and be an hour of dramatic buildup ending in failure. Which will at least be better than watching a snake being gutted to save a stuntman with no respect for nature who calls himself a "naturalist."

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Brave new world.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 5, 2014

0
0

1. GOP Fails To Win About Two Or Three Contests In Midterm Elections 

Republicans nationwide are hanging their heads in disappointment this morning after their party allowed several Democrats to win in yesterday's midterm elections. This means that when Mitch McConnell takes over as Senate Majority Leader in January, he will be forced to deal with the handful of Democratic politicians left on the Senate floor, including Harry Reid, whom, it is assumed, will be kept crated during congressional proceedings. 


2. Legal Pot Comes To D.C. Just In Time To Soothe Barack Obama's Nerves

Voters in Washington D.C.—as well as Alaska and Oregon—pulled the levers to legalize marijuana during yesterday's midterm elections, meaning that the drug will soon be available to lawfully purchase and consume in four states, plus whatever weird thing Washington D.C. is. Is it a city or is it a state? What is a District of Columbia anyway? So weird.   


3. Quentin Tarantino Is Essentially Just Locking Potential Investers In A Box With His Script Now

Paranoid after an early draft of the screenplay for his upcoming movie The Hateful Eight leaked onto the Internet, Quentin Tarantino is insisting that potential investors read the newest version under strict supervision inside the production company's offices. After reading the content of screenplay—which originally included an ending in which every major character suffered a grisly death—readers will likely be inclined to keep their mouths shut.


4. Internet Distraught Over News That Its Boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch Is Getting Married

The collective heart of the Internet was ripped asunder this morning when news broke in a British newspaper that lanky heartthrob Benedict Cumberbatch is engaged to be married to his girlfriend Sophie Hunter, a theater director who totally does not deserve something this special! 


5. Science Might Have Figured Out How To Squeeze A Few More Good Years Out Of Your Dog

Researchers at the University of Washington are currently testing a drug that they think might be able to lengthen the lifespan of dogs. The drug has already been shown to bolster the longevity of lab mice by up to 40 percent. The researchers are hoping to begin nationwide tests within the next six months. Let's hope this doesn't mean the director's cut of Marley & Me will be 40 percent longer. I can't deal with that much heartbreak.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

That's not red on America's maps because Republicans won. That's America falling in love with #alexfromtarget.

0
0
Mike DruckerWed, 5 Nov 2014 12:10:35 EST

That's not red on America's maps because Republicans won. That's America falling in love with #alexfromtarget.

Little girl screams at street preacher to "shut his pie-hole."

0
0


Kids say the darndest things when people talk about God into a microphone.

Without making any judgements on religion itself, I often wonder how effective it is to get mic'd up like a hostess at Applebee's and preach The Word at people as they try to get from their cars to the Chili's across the street. Surely, in the midst of the Information Age, people have heard already heard the Good News. It just isn't that hard to "find Jesus" anymore, he's right over there.

Having seen many a street preacher in my day, I can witness that most people, when annoyed by an auditory intrusion, simply choose to turn the other cheek. This little girl wasn't having it. She wasn't so much concerned about what he was saying (although she wasn't all that impressed with "blah blah Jesus"), but rather, she just wanted him to be quiet. 

He is exercising his free speech, and so is she, but is it ruder to scream at someone in the street than to amplify your non-screaming voice in the street? The folks on reddit seem to think so. As one redditor noted, "She kept looking at the camera which makes me think her parents are recording her after they asked her to yell at the guy," which caused another to think the video should be renamed "Disrespectful girl has shitty parents."

I kinda agree. If these parents really wanted to teach their child to express dissent, they should have told her to speak calmly, and helped her with a more compelling argument than "shut it."

(by Myka Fox)

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images