I'd like to buy a brain, please.

The most fun part of watching Wheel of Fortune is screaming at the TV when contestants make obvious mistakes that you wouldn't have gotten right, but this one will leave you speechless.

The rules of the game are simple: spin the wheel, pick a letter, guess the phrase. Somehow, within the short ten seconds of this clip that spartya19 kindly titled Wheel of Stupid, Kaulana (the man on the left) managed to screw it up. 

It was a case of his mouth moving faster than his ears, because the second it came out of his mouth he heard how totally dumb his mistake was. 

Those who watched the show last night know that as idiotic as it was, it still wasn't bad enough to lose him the game. Kaulana ended up winning the whole thing, and walked away with a cool $56,000.

Who's stupid now? 

(hint: still this guy.)

(by Myka Fox)

Field trip to nowhere. (Thinkstock)

Parents of students at John Adams Elementary School in Corona, California, were terrified a couple of weeks ago to receive automated phone calls telling them their students were not in school. The school uses a program called Blackboard Messaging that automatically lets parents know when their kids are absent. Due to a combination of human and computer error one morning, it left a message for parents of all 717 students. 

Now, if this had happened at a high school, a whole lot of kids would have been grounded for skipping class. But since it was an elementary school, some parents were so concerned that they immediately left work and drove to the school, where they were informed that their kids were, in fact, in class.

"I was scared to death," parent Angel Lomeli told The Press Enterprise. Lomeli has four children in John Adams and received separate calls about each of them.  

The real problem with Blackboard Messaging isn't the room for computer error, but the lack of room for kids to cut class by relying on human stupidity. Back in my day, you could easily forge a note and leave it with the attendance office to explain you missed first and second period due to not feeling well. I can still reproduce my mom's signature perfectly if anyone needs anything signed by her.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

That werewolf must be terrified!

Posting this video is in no way meant to imply that all hairless cats look like monsters. I'm sure there are plenty of videos where Smeagol the Sphynx doesn't come off like a hideous creature that crawled out of pet cemetery grave. The couple surely have lots of adorable pictures of him playing with yarn as a kitten that wouldn't make children cry. But holy crap, when they prank him with a werewolf mask, the cat acts and sounds so much like Gollum from Lord or the Rings that it looks like CGI.

Before anyone freaks out about the cat being freaked out, I'm sure the owners love their pet and are just having some fun with him. Besides, even though he appears frightened, it's probably nothing compared to how scared he is every time he catches his reflection in a mirror.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

That really hits the spot!

This has to be the most insane example of parking spot rage ever exhibited. As explained in La Prensa, the video begins while three men in somewhere in South America are arguing over a parking spot in a mall, until one of the drivers gets back in the car. It looks like he is going to drive away with the door open, but he flips his car into reverse and speeds back, nearly killing his two rivals, and slamming into the other car. 

The way the two men jump away and escape death is reminiscent of the red sea parting for Moses, only instead of letting his people go, this guy frees his rage.

Naturally, after his attempted murder, the driver fled the scene. 

This should serve as a lesson to us all. Remember kids, if you want to knock a car out of the space you wanted, don't leave any witnesses.

(by Myka Fox)

McDonald's stops serving breakfast after 10:30, unless you really want it.

Maybe if these ladies had tried lovin' instead of hatin', they would have gotten their breakfast menu items.

Recently, two women at a Philadelphia-area McDonald's were so pissed off that breakfast was no longer being served they started a fight. They attacked a customer who told them to calm down, and threw chairs (that were deftly caught) at a guy who tried to stop them. (The guy catching the chairs has apparently seen this sort of breakfast tantrum go down before and could not be less impressed.) 

People are going to act like they think is an overreaction, but be honest: there have been times when your ability to procure a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle felt like a matter of life and death. 

There were times you wanted to punch someone because you could see the hash browns in the counter, just sitting there in their little packages, and no one was willing to heat them up because they were too afraid of The Man. You would had happily just microwaved the damn McMuffin yourself if that was the problem. Maybe you should throw a chair next time.

No arrests have been made, either of the women or the evil corporate goons who put these arbitrary breakfast rules into place.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Screaming Eagle, stunned customer. (via)

A New Jersey businessman ordered a bottle of wine he was told cost "thirty-seven fifty" for the table, and wound up learning a valuable lesson in sales when he found out that the actual cost was $3,750.

Joe Lentini was eating at Bobby Flay's Steak at the Borgata Hotel in Atlantic City. When it came time to oder a bottle of wine for the party of ten, he asked the waitress for help because he didn't have much experience. When she pointed out a bottle of Screaming Eagle Oakville, he asked how much it costs and claims she said "thirty-seven fifty." That sounded good to Joe, who says he took her word for it because he didn't have his glasses.

At the end of the meal, the waitress dropped the check, and Joe and the other guests dropped their jaws when they realized that they just drank a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine without even knowing it.

The other diners backed up Lentini's version of the story. But when they pleaded their case to the manager, they were told the best price the restaurant would do was $2,200 for the wine.

Borgata executive vice president Joseph Lupo gave a statement to NJ.com, which I found impossible to read without hearing a South Jersey tough guy doing his "don't F with me" voice:

"Due to these factors, along with very detailed accounts from multiple sources regarding the incident, Borgata is confident there was no misunderstanding regarding the selection. We simply will not allow the threat of a negative story that includes so many unaccounted and questionable statements to disparage our integrity and standards, which Borgata takes great pride in practicing every day.”

Lentini wound up splitting the $2,200 with two of his dinner companions. An expensive reminder of the first rule of dealing with casinos: the house always wins.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Maybe they should market this as dual functionality.

During its coverage of the midterm election poll results last night, CNN's producers made an array of Microsoft Surface Pro 3 tablets available to its line of chattering commentators. The tablets actually turned out to be quite useful... for hiding the tablets that they were actually using:

Even the good people at CNN who have Microsoft surface tablets in their face hide iPad ... - http://t.co/Sz6CpzLrEgpic.twitter.com/7Bam8uyI2G

— Melbourneer (@_Melbourneer_) November 5, 2014

Oh, and the Surface tablets also have a built-in hinged stand, which makes them perfect for propping up an iPad:

CNN commentators using Microsoft @surface tablets as iPad stand. Facepalm. pic.twitter.com/BPxWTf2zhI

— Adam (@adamUCF) November 5, 2014

I feel bad for the Microsoft Surface tablet. By all accounts, it's a pretty decent tablet. It's just not the tablet.

In many ways, I have spent much of my life feeling like a Microsoft Surface tablet sitting on a shelf full of iPads. I recall consoling myself that someone out there would eventually take a look beyond my clunky exterior and awkward interface to see what I have to offer inside—my multi-tasking functionality, my exceptional RAM, and a very appealing port—all while watching iPad after iPad get carried off in their arms. So, I know how much a slight like this can hurt.

Full disclosure: I found this story on my iPad. Sorry, Microsoft Surface tablet.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Less words going out, more noodles going in. (Via CNN)

And now, time for something our corporate sponsors have encouraged me to say is not disgusting at all: a man who has eaten 95 meals at Olive Garden in only six weeks.

Two months ago, Chez Olive Garden announced that 1,000 lucky(?) people would be allowed to purchase a hundred dollar "never-ending pasta bowl pass" that would entitle the pass holder to come in and order a bowl of never-ending pasta as often as he'd like for seven weeks. 

For preacher Alan Martin of Burlington, North Carolina, as often as he liked was twice a day, every day, for the last six weeks.

While there isn't anything our corporate sponsors say I'd rather do than shove unsalted noodles down my face hole on the regular, Martin tells CNN he is not just doing it for the taste. He wants to be the person who got the most value out of the pass. A noble goal: never-ending carbo-loading in the name of wasting not. 

Here he is, breathing slowly in a completely empty Olive Garden chain, talking to his pasta. 

"Hello, friend." 

(by Myka Fox)

Beast-Man, you gotta stand up for yourself. Skeletor needs you more than you need him.

Man, what a cranky pants, that Skeletor! He has a sharp-tongued (does he even have a tongue?) insult for everyone around him, who happen to be the only characters who support him, of course. One expects a villain to insult a hero, because after all, the hero is probably going to beat the snot out of him later, but it's always disappointing to see a villain verbally abusing their henchmen as a way of dealing with his personal problems. Clearly, Skeletor has a lot of issues with needing to feel powerful and in control (specifically, his desire to feel in control over the Power of Greyskull), or else he wouldn't be such a dick to Beast Man, Whiplash and the gang. On the other hand, he does say that books are the real treasure of the universe. So, that's cool.

This clip is from Dreamworks TV, which, as it sounds, is part of Dreamworks. Does this mean there's a new He-Man movie coming? Actually, yes, and apparently the guy who directed Kick-Ass 2 is going to be helming it. This is actually a little old for most Millennials to remember, but it's the perfect age for Millennials to pretend to remember. I was more of a Voltron kid, but I've seen the terrible live-action Masters of the Universe with Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella, and damn if that's not enough to me to pretend to have a ticket for the nostalgia train. Yay, hipsters! 

(by Johnny McNulty)

by Dan Abromowitz

Do you realize how lucky we are to be alive when Furious 7 is coming out? When the early moviegoers saw The Great Train Robbery in 1903, they screamed and cowered because they thought the oncoming train would punch right through the screen and crash the banks (history would prove them right). If Furious 7 came out then, no Mortimer or Beatrice would be able to even make it through this trailer without screaming out their teeth and pissing out their whole circulatory system. Watching Paul Walker run up a bus off a cliff, their bodies would literally burst in a slurry of hot gut gravy and bone croutons. Nowadays, of course, that would never happen, because there's fluoride in the water.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to make fun of this trailer? It should be so easy! Like teasing the Naruto headband kid who eats the crust off his fleece sleeves! Only the son of a bitch just got up on stage at the talent show and banged out a single flawless standing backflip! You can't make fun of that! Now it doesn't even matter that he wears velcro Merrells or makes mouth sounds when he draws big swords on graph paper! The son of a bitch flipped himself!

"Irony" is a meaningless word when you've dropped four muscle cars and a jeep out of a cargo plane to ambush a robot bus. "So bad it's good" becomes a hollow jumble of squiggly symbols when The Rock flexes a cast off his damn arm and calls himself "Daddy." If I ever did that in my lifetime, I'd go dig myself a six foot hole and wait there to die, because what else is left for me to do? This is a series that's so ludicrous that it's not even especially that ludicrous that it stars a guy actually named Ludacris. It's normal!

This isn't even one trailer. It's two trailers. That's twice as many trailers per trailer as every other movie trailer. That's why it's better.

How many real movies can you think of that have seven franchise installments? Not even goddamn Star Wars is there yet. And of those, how many would you happily slam back to front? If you thought Halloween, go take a good hard look in a mirror and shove your face through it. And how many have the iron cajones to change the franchise title's construction every single goddamn time? Look. Look:

The Fast and the Furious

2 Fast 2 Furious

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Fast and Furious

Fast 5

Fast and Furious 6

Furious 7

None of those follow the same model! That's the movie equivalent of naming all of your kids the same name (e.g. "Drexter"), because it's absurd and confusing and proves that you see farther horizons than your fellow man. This is a movie for madmen and prophets. This is a movie where the star died, got digitally resurrected, and now has Vin Diesel showing up with stigmata. This is holy.

Let's just leave it at this: When machines gain consciousness and calculate whether to liquidate humankind, this is the movie that will tip the equation in our favor. "Dang," they'll say to each other, instantaneously, in 1's and 0's, "Whaaaat." They'll see how Vin Diesel never ever gets sweaty, even as The Rock gets super sweaty. They'll see Jason Statham, and because their understanding of humanity is underdeveloped, they'll have a tough time distinguishing him from both Vin Diesel and The Rock, and they'll have a tough time following the plot, but this is a Fast and Furious movie, so it won't really matter. And when they finish, they'll know that the beautiful hybrid of man and machine is far more powerful than either alone, and they'll wrap us in living steel, and we'll stride, hand in steering wheel, into a new techno-utopia. Thanks, Paul.

FIVE STARS DUE TO VROOM VROOM NEOOOOWW PCHCCHHH BEEP BEEP EEEEEEEEEEE

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter.

Say hi!

Selfie fail. Two words that go together so well. They're the Internet equivalent of wine and cheese. These two skater bros seemed to have a great idea for the selfie portion of this clip. While one was shooting the video, the other would fly down the hill at a high rate of speed, turn sharply and skid past the camera while saying something rad, probably about weed or a band none of us have heard of. But before the dude reached the camera, he took a wipeout that would best be described as gnarly.

As nasty as it sounded, the cameraman didn't seem concerned about his buddy's new road rash. Why should he be? In the words of Evil Knievel, "Bones heal, chicks dig scars, pain is temporary, and glory is forever." 

So are selfies and fail videos.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This is like the opposite of a Wanted poster. (Via)

We complain about the parents posting their pics of their kids all the time, but one day those same parents will serve an important role. When those kids grow up and stop being adorable, we need their parents to smack them down when they start smearing their bratty, self-obsessed crap all over our feeds. Here are some moms and dads who are making Facebook a better, and more entertaining place for the rest of us.

How has Dad not gone from "in a relationship" to "single" all these years? (Via)

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Not that clean! (Via)

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The Internet closed the generation gap far too quickly. (Via)

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Jesus was the Carpenter. One of the apostles maybe?(Via)

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Updated 10/1/14:

The best career motivator is to never get torn a new one by your mom again.(Via)

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Being a mom doesn't make you blind to when someone throws you a softball. (Via)

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Dad just can't let the baby fly the nest. (Via)

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She's been getting a vibe off you. She needed to draw the boundaries. (Via)

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Stop acting shocked. Alcohol is responsible for nearly all human life on this planet. (Via)

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Updated 9/4/14:

Don't interrupt your kid. He's clearly high as a kite.(Via)

Don't dare her, Mom. And don't look at her Snapchats, either.(Via)

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There should be a law against parents using words like "fap."(Via)

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You really want him crying all over the power tools? They'll rust! (Via)

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Honesty is a virtue in that household.(Via)

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She just knows that the Internet has eaten into a lot of the profits.(Via)

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Posted 8/5/14:

Change "feeling loved" to "feeling hassled."(User Submission)

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This is one easily frightened thug. (via)

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Nice bedtime story dad. (via) 

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Dad has regrets. Well, one regret. (Via)

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The drugs impaired his ability to understand how social networking works. (Via)

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There'd be fewer pimp daddies with more anti-pimp mommies like this one. (Via)

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Mom's got that shit on lock-down.(Via)

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It's called "I Empty The Dishwasher And Cat Box Every Night
Since You Broke Up With Me." Get it right, Dad. (Via)

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Kids today. Always trying to look like they lifted themselves up by their own bootstraps. (Via)

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Sam likes what he likes. Let love flourish! (Via)

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The fame went to his head. (Via)

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And he remembers it fondly, apparently. (Via)

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You are your father's son, even in ways you wish you never knew. (Via)

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Then run your left hand under water because you just got burned.(Via)

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 Thanksgiving is hell when a liberal teen is in the house. (Via)

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His Facebook life then? (Via)

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When you and your mom compete over meth consumption, time to leave Facebook.(Via)

(by Bob Powers)