Dungeons and Dragons
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Washington Redskins
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Lying drunk.
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What it really feels like when you're waiting for someone to finish typing a text.
Sorry but three dots hardly represent a full-on panic attack.
Thanks to Apple, the crippling post-text anxiety you suffer has a mascot in the form of those three little dots in the speech bubble. It pops up. It disappears. It lingers and taunts you. Sure it looks innocuous—even friendly—but it's past time to replace the dots with something a little more honest.
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Taylor Swift is going to be super-pissed when she hears this way better song about New York.
Oh it's on.(via Getty)
If you aren't keeping up on your ambassadorship appointments (too busy with your in-app purchases to care about what matters, millennials!), Taylor Swift has been named New York's "Tourism Ambassador." Possibly because she's only been living here a handful of months and is arguably still a tourist. But her new song, "Welcome To New York," probably helped pave that road too.
Inspired by Taylor's NYC pride, a couple weeks ago, frequent HappyPlace contributor Dan Abromowitz gave us the lyrics to his inarguably better song for the city of New York, appropriately titled, "New York (The City)."
But lyrics are one thing. The proof is in the beats. Not one to shy away from throwing down a gauntlet, Dan enlisted singer Andrea Grody and producers Danny Sullivan and Adrien DeFontaine to put together what is clearly going to be the soundtrack to the city that doesn't sleep until the day it gets swallowed by river sludge. Here now, with a video by Will Feinstein, is the exclusive debut of "New York (The City)."
I feel like I just woke up inside the Statue of Liberty wrapped in the arms of Fran Lebowitz.
Though it's no contest, here's Taylor's version.
While Taylor made her song critic-proof by announcing she's donating the song's proceeds to New York City schools, Dan claims all proceeds from his song will go towards "Making the High Line higher." Vote with your wallets, people.
(by Bob Powers)
Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter
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5 people who will probably be looking for work this week.
5. The Atlanta hostess who was fired for mocking Asians at a BBQ restaurant.
(via Thinkstock)
A hostess at the popular Atlanta restaurant Fox Bro's Bar-B-Q was let go after a customers overheard her mocking a group of Asian diners. Steph Cha was having dinner with her husband when they heard the waitress say "CHING CHONG CHING CHONG" in that singsongy voice made popular by Don Rickles in a simpler time. Cha wrote in a Yelp review that she and her husband "froze for a moment," hoping it was an innocent remark. Then, she turned around and saw a group of Asian folks entering the restaurant. She wrote about the incident on Twitter and tagged Fox Bro's account. They initially claimed that the hostess was at the station attempting to figure out the pronunciation of a name, then fired the waitress after realizing the excuse sounded dumber than "CHING CHONG CHING CHONG."
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4. The fireman who shot sex videos with his mistress in the station bathroom.
(via Statter911)
Firemen are known for their bravery. Usually, that bravery involves putting their own lives at risk while saving others. In the case of Lt. Stephen Coward, it involves fearlessly shooting a sex tape with his mistress at the station house. The Clearwater Fire Department received a package containing a disc full of images of Coward having sex with his girlfriend all over the station. That led to an investigation, which revealed that the fireman was hosing as many as eight different women at the same time. Nine, if you include his wife. That takes balls. And stamina. Unfortunately, not the kind the fire department appreciates. When confronted with the evidence by his superiors, Coward resigned.
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3. Dean McDermott, who quit his miserable gig on 'True Tori.'
(via ExtraTV)
Even though Dean McDermott will be out of gig after giving his notice on True Tori this week, congratulations are in order. Because he just quit one of the most miserable jobs in television history. After marrying Tori Spelling several years ago, Dean was living the good life. Nice homes, eating at the finest restaurants in LA, and starring in a string of increasingly shameless reality shows with his wife. But his latest gig as a professional groveler proved to be too much for even a world-class fame whore like Dean. He told Access Hollywood "I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.” If he sounds delirious, it could be the result of being dehydrated from all the crying.
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2. The head of prisons in Mississippi, who is being investigated for taking millions in bribes and kickbacks.
(via WLBT)
Having served over ten years as Mississippi's State Corrections Commissioner, Chris Epps should be comfortable being in prison. Hopefully, that experience will also give him an inside track on one those sweet jobs on the chow line, because he'll soon be trading in his luxury homes and fancy suits for a prison cell and an orange onesie. Epps abruptly resigned on Wednesday, and is now facing charges that he took millions of dollars in bribes and kickbacks in return for hundreds of millions of dollars worth of prison contracts.
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1. The California cop who stole nude photos from a DUI suspect's phone and shared them with other officers.
(via ABC7 News)
If there's a strip club in the Bay Area looking for someone to work security, they should consider hiring Sean Harrington. He's got years of experience in law enforcement, and is a somewhat of a connoisseur of the nude female form. We know that because he was just charged with stealing naked photos off the phone of a female DUI suspect, and sending them to his buddies on the force. A woman noticed on her iPad that photos had been sent to a phone number she didn't recognize. After doing a little detective work, she realized the number belonged to Harrington, who had arrested her back in August. She'd given him the access code for her phone in order for him to retrieve contact numbers. He then used that info to steal the image and send it around with a text message saying, "Her body is rocking." Flattering, but also illegal. Which is why he's been charged with two felonies.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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The largest bee infestation in America was extracted from a camper by a guy named Critter McCool.
If I, wanna take apart, a giant hive of bees, it's none of your beeswax! (Via ABC)
An estimated 400,000 bees nested in a camper that sat abandoned in the back of a tow yard in Summerville S.C.. Only one man was right for the challenge of getting rid of them.
Eric "Critter" McCool has run his own extermination company for 20 years, and he named himself Critter. Unless there's an exterminator named Gunner VonBatFang, Mr. McCool pretty much has the bug removal business on lock.
Critter was the one who recognized the significance of the hive, and he told ABC News 4 that it was possibly the largest hive of yellow jacket bees ever extracted in America.
Then Critter zipped up in a bee suit and took the bees to town.
“I had to go inside and pull all the paper, all the hive and all the brood. It was pretty insane and quite the adrenaline rush," Critter described the ordeal to ABC. "The bee's nest was underneath the bench, inside the cabinets, all over the stove, [the nest] was everywhere.”
Queen of the camper. (Via ABC)
He took 7 hours to painstakingly tear the nest apart and remove all of the queen bees by hand, 37 in total. He explained that without the nest or the queens, the rest of the bees will just die off, and once that is done he will set the camper on fire.
This leaves me as a person whose name is not Critter to wonder: why not just set the camper on fire in the first place?
WCIV-TV | ABC News 4 - Charleston News, Sports, Weather
(by Myka Fox)
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This puppy is like a Zen master of sleep.
Sleeping on a level you can't even understand.
You think you know how to sleep? Let me tell you something; you are kidding yourself. You are a joke. You are an embarrassment to sleepers everywhere. Because you may think you know how to sleep, but you do not know how to sleep. Not the right way. Not like this pit bull puppy here:
Bam! That's how it's done. And until you learn how to sleep this deeply, this intensely, this relentlessly, I do not want to see your pathetic, bush league, lame-sleep-having face.
Go and do likewise, gents. The sleep is out there; you pick it up, it's yours. You don't, I got no sympathy for you.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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How did this dog in a teddy bear costume not win Halloween? Recount!
He looks like a live Teddy Bear wearing a dog mask. (via)
How did the Internet drop the ball so badly on this one? It's November 7th and I'm just now seeing the video of Munchkin the shih tzu's teddy bear Halloween costume? The country has spent the last five days celebrating a dorky Target clerk with Bieber hair from four years ago, yet a candidate for Insanely Cute Dog Video of the Year has fewer than 200k views on YouTube after a week? WTF?
The costume was made by Munchkin's owner, Cindy Roth, who originally posted the clip to her Facebook page, along with instructions explaining how to make a teddy bear outfit for your dog:
"Measure your dog in the front from feet to top of head (Munchkin is 14"). Buy a teddy bear in similar color to your dog in their size (I got her's on Amazon for $30). Cut the face off, cut the bottom of the feet off, cut open the back. Take all the stuffing out except for the arms. Bear only goes on front part of their body/legs and back half is exposed. Put a string or Velcro through the back behind the neck to tie/close. The bear's arms hung down, so I sewed them up a bit higher so they stuck out to sides more instead of hanging down. Took me maybe 15 minutes to make!"
Teddy Munchkin.(via)
As awesome as the costume looks, it actually sounds really easy to make. So easy, in fact, that soon we'll start seeing so many dogs wearing similar costumes that by next Halloween we'll be sick of them. So allow me to be the first to say "over it!"
Let's just admit we blew this one.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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A horse went to a hospital to fulfill her dying human's wish, and to make the Internet sob.
Nope. I can't handle this. Gotta go put some waterproof plastic over my keyboard.
Hold it together, people. We will get through this.
Sheila Marsh was an animal lover who passed away this week from cancer at the age of 77. Just hours earlier, though, her daughter Tina and the staff of the Royal Infirmary in Wigan, England, moved heaven and earth, and most importantly a horse, to grant her dying wish. Realizing that Sheila's condition had deteriorated, Tina brought the horse that her mother had raised from a foal for over 25 years, Bronwen, to say one last goodbye.
With family permission here is the amazing photo of a (sadly now RIP) patient being granted her dying wish @WWLNHSpic.twitter.com/UyqfnxrsQ3
— Andrew Foster (@andrewkfoster) November 7, 2014
Sheila Marsh raised many animals, (she had "six horses, three dogs, three cats, and other animals," according to her daughter) but she had a special bond with Bronwen that was on display for everyone who was present. Although Bronwen could not enter the hospital for obvious reasons, the hospital staff wheeled Sheila's bed out to the entrance so the two could meet.
“Bronwen walked steadily towards Sheila," recalled nurse and bereavement specialist Gail Taylor, "and she gently called to Bronwen and the horse bent down tenderly and kissed her on the cheek as they said their last goodbyes.”
Oh, jeez. Here comes the waterworks. "I was crying my eyes out and all the nurses were crying too," said her daughter Tina later. "She took comfort out of it and it was a beautiful moment."
What's most impressive about this, after the bond between Bronwen and Sheila, is the care the hospital took in attending to Marsh's last hours. "It was a matter of hours later that she passed away. I want to thank the hospital and all the nurses. It was very important for my mum," said Tina.
Pauline Law, the Infirmary's deputy director of nursing, explained their decision in terms no one familiar with the American health care system could possibly understand.
"This was obviously extremely important to her and her family. We feel privileged to have been able to provide this support at this crucial stage of her care. It’s absolutely right we should pull out all the stops to ensure that our patients and their families receive personalized, compassionate and dignified care at the end of their life."
Well, thank you. Except for the part where you made me cry.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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A college student on drugs stole an ambulance, punched two cops, then he really started to party.
If you're looking for trouble, don't bother. He took all of it. (Via ABC)
Hey, wanna have the craziest night of your life? Head on over to Colorado State University. They had a great Halloween party where one of the students partied too hard and started having seizures. While the paramedics were inside taking care of the patient, fellow intoxicated student Stefan Sortland took their ambulance on a joyride.
"The ambulance had a GPS system on board [and] was tracked to Loveland. Loveland police officers said they found the ambulance in the middle of Highway 34 with several doors open, heavy front-end damage and fluid leaking. One officer said it appeared the driver of the ambulance had hit the raised median, jumped the curb, hit a sign, went the wrong way and crossed back over the median before stopping."
Where was Sortland? About 30 yards away, wearing an EMT vest, hanging out with a blanket and a box of Wheat Thins, and totally high on molly and cocaine. He admitted he had been the one joyriding in the emergency vehicle, although he claimed not to understand why the lights were flashing.
The next stop on his drugged-up cool-kid tour was the Loveland police department, where it was noted in the police report that he "stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated."
Is that like one of those rub your belly and pat your head tests?
Then, Sortland casually told police officers that his friends had committed suicide. When the officers checked on those friends, they found them to be fine, and one of the friends ratted on him and informed the police that Sortland had been kicked out of a concert earlier that night.
With friends like these, who needs them to not kill themselves, am I right?
Sortland apologized for all of his transgressions as officers prepared him for jail, but by the time they got there, the kid had a change of heart and attacked two of the deputies that were trying to bring him lunch.
Final tally of charges for the night (drumroll, please):
1. Aggravated vehicle theft
2. Obstructing EMS
3. Reckless driving
4. Hit-and-run
5. Criminal mischief (Unspecified. Lets assume this was either for the jerking off in the police station or for eating some Wheat Thins.)
6. Attempted motor vehicle theft
7. Unlawful possession of controlled substance
8. Criminal assault
Congratulations, Stefan Sortland! You performed an entire season of The Wire: Party School Edition.
And the kid with the seizures? He's fine.
(by Myka Fox)
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Some guy murdered his car with an ax because it wouldn't start. [Graphic Imagery]
It's worse than you can imagine.
A Fiat 500 was found brutally murdered by its owner this week in Lissone, Italy. According to police records, 34-year-old Spartaco Capon, the owner of the recently purchased compact car, became enraged after being unable to convince it to start properly, so he reportedly grabbed an pickaxe and began hacking away at the vehicle, before horrified witnesses.
With more than 100 holes in its exterior, the car was nearly unrecognizable.
Warning: The following image is quite graphic and may disturb some readers:
It had so much to drive for.
The Fiat was pronounced totaled at the scene. Capon is currently under psychiatric evaluation.
The Fiat 500 is survived by a Fiat Punto Evo and two models of Fiat Panda Cross.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Feel smarter by watching these Texas Tech students struggle to name the Vice President or who won the Civil War.
"What show was Joe Biden on?"
We all feel stupid at times. I was in my thirties before I learned the "lefty loose-y, righty tight-y" rule of screwing things in. You know how dumb I felt when that was pointed out? Pretty dumb. That said, I felt like Neil deGrasse Tyson while watching this video of Texas Tech students being quizzed on basic history and current events. Like, really basic. Like, "Who is our Vice President?" and "Who did we gain our independence from?"
Of course most of the correct answers have been left on the cutting room floor, because no one would click on a video called Texas Tech Students Name the Vice President!
The video was produced by a Texas Tech political organization called PoliTech, so it's not like it was created by Jimmy Kimmel (who is referenced in the video by a student who "drew a blank" when asked which side won the Civil War). It's pretty shocking. Less shocking is that the same students who couldn't pick Joe Biden out of a lineup all knew what show Snooki was on.
The obvious solution is an American civics show on the History Channel starring Snooki.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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The Weather Channel
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Font
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Worth celebrating.
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Who knew Taylor Swift and terrible '80s aerobic choreography went so well together?
Warning: this video may cause heart palpatations.
Have any of you guys heard about this new Tailor Swift song called "Shaking It Off." Wait, maybe it's actually called "Shake It All Out." Hrrrmmm... It's something like that. Anyway, it's really catchy. I think this talented young Swiftian person might have a career ahead of her. Mark my words: she'll catch on.
Anyway, the first thing I thought when I heard "Twist It Off" was that it would be some fantastic music to jazzercise to. Apparently, I wasn't the only person to think that, because I found this InstantGraham meme and this YourToob video:
See! I told you "Brush Them Out" was catchy, didn't I? Doesn't this make you feel like digging out your old spandex exercise clothes and sweating to some oldies James Taylor-style?
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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This pitch perfect dog singing along with his owner is the jazz vocalist of our time.
Doggy sings the blues.
Look, I'm not going to pretend like I'm some huge jazz aficionado. I own Miles Davis' Kind of Blue, and I listened to it all the way through once. I'm relatively certain that Thelonious Monk was a pianist and Dizzy Gillespie was a saxophonist. What I'm trying to say is that I'm a medium jazz aficionado.
So, I feel relatively confident to point out that the dog singing along with his sax-playing owner in this video is the greatest jazz vocalist of our time:
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Veterans Day
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We did it.
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