I presume this is HORROR 101 taught by Prof. Stephen King.
(via redditor askingquestionsblog)

I'm 29, and it's very unlikely that I'll ever apply to grad school at this point, yet this note still filled me with fear and dread a solid 7 years after I graduated from college. I don't know why you would sign up for a 7am class (which is also why I don't know why anyone would pursue a useful major, instead of studying Diplomatic History and becoming a comedy person), but if you do sign up for one, make sure you know full well what your professor's opinions on attendance are. There's a good chance that you'll get someone who doesn't care if you just read the book and come to class whenever, but if the professor actually wants you to listen to his or her words, keep in mind that this could happen to you. Finally, if you're someone who enjoys taking 7am classes and makes them all on time, congratulations on your future career of ruling the world, because you terrify me and I will not stand in your way.

(by Johnny McNulty)

It's the gesture of a touchdown that matters. (Via ESPN)

Yesterday, Utah wide receiver Kaelin Clay took a 78 yard run to the end zone, but could have used just one more yard. Clay dropped the ball and started welcoming the celebratory hugs from his teammates, unaware that he let the ball loose just outside the end-zone. Oregon player Joe Walker grabbed the ball and made the most of Clay's accidental gift with a hundred-yard TD.

.

(by Bob Powers)

Probably would have been played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

It's a pretty commonly held belief that Marvel's Captain America: The Winter Soldier is at least in the top ten best superhero movies of all time. So, it might be hard to imagine how one could improve upon it. Let this excellent trailer remix shows you the way:

I can't tell you how much I wish this was real. I feel a bit cheated that my 13-year-old self didn't get to watch this in my neighbor's basement on a summer afternoon in between playing D&D and getting karate-chopped in the neck by my friend Brian. 

My one qualm with this video is that doesn't feature Jeff Fahey at all. As any '80s era action movie aficionado knows, that dude was in literally every one of those films. I think it was some kind of an industry regulation. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This might as well exist.

You like Mountain Dew, don't you? Of course you do! And I know that you like Doritos. Don't even pretend that you don't enjoy shoving those things into your face. So, if you like those two things, it only stands to reason that you'll loooooooove Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. Right?!

I'm assuming the guy who came up with "Dewitos" got a promotion.

According to redditor joes_nipples, this is an actual concoction that he actually had the opportunity to pour into his body the other day. "It honestly wasn't that disgusting. It tasted like orange with a Doritos after taste. It tasted like straight Doritos afterwards though," he said of his experience at a taste-testing at Kent State. "Weirdest thing I've ever drunken."

There's no way of knowing if this will ever ultimately make it onto store shelves, but I can't imagine why it wouldn't. In a world full of KFC Double Downs and Domino's Oreo Pizzas, this seems like an instant best seller.

Is this not the most magical time to be alive?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Most baby pictures are used to embarrass the kid later, but this little baby's foot photobomb will haunt its dad for life. (via)

Dildos. Tampons. Grandparents. Butts. What do these things have in common? They are often in the backgrounds of photos taken by people who leave their dildos, tampons, old people and naked butts out so often they didn't even notice that they were there. As more and more of our lives are captured in photos and videos, the risk of our embarrassing personal items/body parts continues to rise, until finally we'll be forced to hide all of our embarrassing things before we turn on our devices every morning because the world is one giant webcam. On the other hand, it won't be all bad because we'll get to look at everyone else's embarrasing stuff. Like these folks:

Taken moments before the Keene, NH Pumpkinfest riot, which presumably started because OF THAT SCANDALOUS KISS! (via)

Fortunately, the genetics of intelligence are pretty complex, so don't give up on her yet. (via)

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If the Internet has taught me anything, it's that our shadows are always bangin'. (via)

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The album title of "Randomness" makes me wonder about what happens later. (via)

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Well, to be fair, it's more like someone should have done a background check on that kid's parents. (via)

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Uh, why would you want one? (via)

Updated 10/13/14:

Apparently, their tour guide insisted this was the best photo op in the cave.
What a dick.(via)

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Don't worry. She doesn't remember it. (via)

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Alright, fine. This background is pretty awesome. They actually tried to take another one
and the same thing happened again. (via)

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Actually, if you look closely, literally everyone is taking a bad picture here. (via)

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Peemur. Yep. I went there. Peemur. (via)

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Uhhhh. Actually. EVERYTHING is wrong with this picture. (via)

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An oldie (and on TV), but a classic. Situational awareness, CNN. Try it sometime. (via)

Updated 9/8/14:

Hint: Aunt Sally is crouching behind grandpa.

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I'll go first: I offer myself as sacrifice to this dress!

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Any kid who can steal the focus away from four pretty ladies is going places in life.

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"Grandma's retirement home is like college, except no one has class or cares about STDs."

Updated 8/11/14:

I'm surprised the phone isn't an Android. 

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It took me a long time to realize that Georgia was a dog.
I just thought that was a really rude way of describing this part of Georgia.

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You should also do it for the love of dog, because they don't like being merkins.

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Stacks 'n stacks 'n stacks of high-quality printer paper.

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Her skin issues require being surrounded by tons of healthy skin.
Also, don't think it's a dude. 

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I don't know who any of these people are, but I'm mostly interested in Bigfoot. 

IT SAYS "MUD." MUD. IT'S A MAKEUP BRAND. LOOK IT UP. "MUD," THAT IS!

Updated 7/7/14:

But when I say it's just the pants making it look that way, no one believes me.

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Consider it a preview of everything before potty training is done.

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I can't tell if he's being dangled or retrieved.

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Say what you will, this kid will grow up to be great on social media. 

All the ladies are wearing them at the Kentucky Derby these days.

Technically that's in the foreground, but it started in the background, and they
really should have checked.

Updated 6/6/14:

I hope they checked the caliber of his diaper before doing that.(via)

To be fair, this guy is kind of a dick for making this photo all about him. (via)

Man, there's just boobs coming out of the woodworks these days. (via)

5 minutes later he walked by again. And then 5 minutes after that. And so on.(via)

Bonus TV background checks:="text-align:>

Raising the bar, dude. Raising the bar.

Not technically uploaded online, but someone should have cut away here. (via)

Updated 5/5/14:

Selfies really do reveal a lot more about you than you intend. (via)

I guess they got two copies so their kids can watch a dvd that's never been seen by
someone smoking a crack pipe. (via)

A great part of traveling is seeing how other people behave on the beach.(via)
 

Son, you'll always remember when I took your picture tonight in my tighty-whiteys. (via)
 

I'm more interested in meeting the people behind you and to the left. (via)
 

Someone has really thought of everything for tonight, not even including the Miller High Lifes,
clothes hangers and remotes. (via) 
 

That's a cute top. That, on the other hand, is a horrifying bottom. (via)

Updated 4/2/14:

Just a long, curved toothbrush holder in case she needs to freshen up at the dance. (via)
 

She should've checked her background in real life, as well.(via)
 

Ah. The romance of what is hopefully Europe.(via)
 

Either way, these two are exhibiting great teamwork.(via)
 

Sweater made me think bowling alley, but now I'm more worried 'cuz it looks like Denny's.
(via)

I'm more concerned about that old dude barging in like that. (via)
 

Apparently, the person who posted this had it on their fridge for years before noticing.(via)
 

Updated 3/5/14:

Small and available beats huge and nonexistant. (via)
 

Sometimes even white linen suits could stand to be a little breezier. (via)
 

This is a brief way of summing up college. (via)
 

In case you ever wondered what happened to the guy who built a 6-foot bong in college. (via)
 

Road Rassh. (via) 
 

Someone's nephew wanted to share his video game stats.  He also shared his love of
beautiful, sensual women who love the same thing. Also, he is not TechnoViking. (via)

Updated 1/07/14:

If you turn the picture upside down, you can see the same shape between the glasses. (via)
 

Goodbye University, Hello Unemployableness! (via)
 

I can't believe this creep is wearing sunglasses indoors. (via)
 

It turns out Christians find cows holy after all. (via)
 

We must all be on the lookout for small men riding our family members. (via)
 

Yeah, you're probably not going to have 147 updates anymore once this gets out. (via)

Updated 11/18/13:

The ass is coming from inside the house.
 

Can we talk about the angle of that woman's arm? Definitely more disturbing than the coke.
 

I now realize all my friends' annoying gym statuses could be a lot worse.
 

And why shouldn't Grandma be proud? Those muscles are made of her cooking.
 

Only in New York! Or, wherever this is. Only in wherever, am I right?
 

The really weird thing? It's not a mirror, it's a window! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN.

Updated 10/14/13:

I don't care if she is a little tall, young lady, you do not call a giraffe your grandma.
 

I assume we're all laughing at his Wall of Hats.
 

Oh my god, are those Uggs back there? That is revolting.
 

I'm pretty sure that man just successfully shoplifted some produce in his pants.
 

Can we talk about how wearing sunglasses is already like blurring your eyes?
 

More like the cat should have checked the foreground of his picture, am I right?

Updated 9/12/13:

Oh, hello Robin Thicke. Is sliding fingers up not-your-wife's butt a blurred line?
 

Why does he think people on the subway want to see that shade of blue?
 

There are times I'm glad the zoom technolgies on CSI are impossible.
 

The pre-show was them making violent threats from the casting couch.
 

Who just leaves bottled water out in the open like that?

Updated 8/09/13:

It's like a Calvin and Hobbes sticker come to life.
 

These bees have weird stingers. 
 

Could it be more disturbing? Try to rule out the possibility that it's a dead deer. See?
 

That is not a ladies' room, and suddenly the whole world is in question.
 

No wonder that man in the back doesn't need to care what he looks like.
 

I'm pretty sure the Wizard is in there too, but I can't find him!

Updated 7/18/13:

Good question, person who inserted that arrow. Who needs that much generic Immodium?
 

I guess the guy in the background is grabbing the gun in his underwear.
 

The dress says a night out. The item on the dresser suggests otherwise.
 

Granted, modesty doesn't seem to be the theme of whatever show they're prepping.
 

Ah, 2007. An more innocent time when people just let their dildos hang out wherever.
 

Folow-up question: his ball, where is it? 

Updated 6/21/13:

They're like cleavage twins, except one of the twins is way less attractive.
 

Those kangaroos took the only shot they had at making a sex tape involving Paris Hilton.
 

That woman is riding a mechanical bull, FYI, not receiving oral sex from Satan.
 

The fourth leg of any good triathalon involves a marathon ball-scratching session.
 

We understand, rocker lady. Bassists never get the groupies.
 

It's unclear whether or not he's peeing, but he's clearly not in the bathroom.

Updated 5/23/13:

What makes this exponentially worse is he was being interviewed about the Boston bombing.

Why are his shades pixelated but not his ass in the mirror?
 

"And in the back, you can see James doing his pre-workout cleanse." (pause at 00:21)
 

Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like a baby and dru-ugs.
 

Is that the same pink dildo the Boston guy had?
 

Guess there's more than one stuffed animal in this house. HEY-O. Sorry.
 

Maybe instead of Facebook you should upload this to, we don't know, the police?
 

We're glad everything cleared up in time for you.
 

It is not a nice day for a white wedding.
 

No, Mitch. We all lost, thanks to you.

(Via Daily Mail)

The British paper The Daily Mail was attempting to address a labor-shortage issue faced by a company that provides pre-made sandwiches to supermarkets, which recently had to outsource work to 300 Hungarians due to a lack of suitable options locally in England. The headline read "Is there no one left in Britain who can make a sandwich?"

British residents responded to the Daily Mail's rhetoric so very, very literally.

If elected we will address this sandwich making skills gap @MailOnline As this must stop: pic.twitter.com/m6LQqcvC8z

— Ed Balls (@eddbaIlsmp) November 10, 2014

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I guess he just bites into his cans Turner and Hooch-style.

Fear my epic sandwich skills. Gizza job, I can do that. #sandwichgatepic.twitter.com/JTtKa5LoBe

— Geoff Hawley (@ShoutyMouse) November 10, 2014

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One with everything.

You people are impossible to please. #sandwichgate#CondimentsGloriousCondimentspic.twitter.com/QCFDyhFpJE

— Prad Patel (@pradip) November 10, 2014

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For those brave enough to eat a sandwich from a Shell station.

— Letti (@Letti4U) November 10, 2014

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I'll have a sandwich, hold the pun. Get it? Get it? GET IT.

Hey Daily Mail. I can make a Sandwitch. Look I made three of them. #sandwichgatepic.twitter.com/cfgy026krR

— Sy Thomas (@Sy_Thomas) November 10, 2014

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Host of Top Gear almost as good as top round. 

This is a real British sandwich. #sandwichgate#jeremyclarksbunpic.twitter.com/jA3v8SBid5

— Jake Graham (@AlbionJake) November 10, 2014

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First attempt at fisting.

@themailonline reader's favourite: the knuckle sandwich @mgmediamonkey#sandwichgatepic.twitter.com/ygUmrb42iC

— Rob Yates (@yates_rob) November 10, 2014

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Is this guy single?

Aparently throwing money at the problem hasn't helped... #sandwichgatepic.twitter.com/GuYrZBodE8

— Will Ross (@WillRoss94) November 10, 2014

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Really on a roll now.

Oh no! The #dailymail is right #sandwichgatepic.twitter.com/bXzeGzdu0z

— Thecornishhighstreet (@Cornishhighst) November 10, 2014

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What to eat after tip-off.

Tried to prove the Daily Mail wrong. Turns out they're right. #sandwichgatepic.twitter.com/Lco8nOcuYW

— Bobby Bloomfield (@robDIOYY) November 10, 2014

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This sandwich is a real butter-fork.

Been trying to make the kids sandwiches for 45 minutes now. I give up. . pic.twitter.com/jGSpgoRdRZ

— Twinks (@tinytwink) November 9, 2014

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Winner.

The Daily Mail are idiots. I made this Monte Cristo sandwich as proof. pic.twitter.com/t84KYeg7Id

— George Berridge (@George_Berridge) November 9, 2014

(by Myka Fox)

An ice cold can of evil.

If you've been wondering what Satan has been up to since his 1980s heyday on top of the heavy metal charts, it looks like he's gotten into the beverage business and is the evil genius behind the success of Monster Energy Drink. At least, according to the unidentified woman in this clip, who is doing fascinating work in the field of satanic soft drink science.

First, there are gaps in the "M" in the Monster logo, leaving three vertical lines. Translated into Hebrew, they become the number "6" repeated three times. Duh. Then there's the cross in the middle of the "O," which becomes an upside-down cross when the can is tilted upright to drink. Put simply, it's a container of liquid witchcraft.

Once all the clues are pointed out, it's obvious that Satan and his minions at Monster Beverage Corporation have been working together in an evil plot to caffeinate America's children.

Unless the wicked geniuses at Monster are even more sinister than we thought, and are trolling us all with the most brilliantly evil marketing campaign ever.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

5. Kylie Jenner, who has managed to earn the disapproval of her half-sister, Kim Kardashian.

(via Instagram)

While it may be true that Kylie Jenner's star is rising and Kim Kardashian's is falling (especially among younger fans), the tabloid world is abuzz with rumors of a feud over Kylie's new relationship with rapper Tyga. Kim is unhappy, not because Kylie is 17 and Tyga is 24, but because Kim is friends with Blac Chyna, a 26-year-old model and the mother of Tyga's son, King Cairo Stephenson (at least he starts with a K). Obviously, it is SO AGAINST THE RULES to date the baby daddy of a friend of your half-sister, who at 34 is literally twice your age. How did proof of this feud reach the world outside of the Kardashian-Jenner empire? Well, Tyga and the Kardashians were all present at a birthday party for rapper French Montana, but when Kim posted a group photo from the evening, she cropped Tyga out of it, even though he was standing right next to her. That's cold on another level. —JMC

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4. People in the coldest parts of America, who are already being forced to make polar vortex jokes, and it's only November.

(screengrab via CNN)

Man, it seems like every year some idiot starts asking "Where's your global warming now?" earlier and earlier. A huge cold front has moved into the upper Midwest today, leaving behind sub-freezing temperatures, several inches of snow, and unseasonable jokes about whether it's cold enough for ya. The words "polar vortex" usually don't pop up until at least January, but this year, people in Minnesota and Montana are already riffing about what a "polar vortex" sounds like, and it isn't even Thanksgiving yet! At this rate, they'll start stocking the shelves with Valentine's Day candy by next week. —SRD

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3. Fans of Aaron Sorkin's signature brand of long-winded sanctimony, because he's done with TV.

(Getty)

If you prefer your television chatty, heart-stirring, and loaded with heavy-handed metaphor, you're going to be pretty bummed out to hear that Aaron Sorkin told the LA Times he's "pretty certain" he's done with television after The Newsroom. Sorkin, presumably while walking rapidly down a hallway, says he knows he should "never say never," but he knew "when to put the crayons down." ("You know when to put the crayons down?" "I know when to put the crayons down.") That's a big loss for those of us who loved Sports Night and The West Wing, and an even bigger loss for people who somehow also liked Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Newsroom. On the plus side, this may leave Sorkin more time to write screenplays that can then be telecast live by NBC in a sad attempt to keep live television afloat a little while longer. —SRD

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2. Good old American meth manufacturers, because Mexican meth makers are putting them out of business.

(Thinkstock)

America has had a love affair with the American meth manufacturer over the last few years. The show Breaking Bad convinced us that there's a certain innovative spirit, a toughness to people who break bad. As a nation, we can be proud of these rugged pioneers of meth, these crystal cowboys. Sadly, like all American industries, it turns out you can make meth faster and cheaper by outsourcing it to Mexico. While fewer meth labs in the United States may seem like a good thing, it's sad to think of our basements turning into abandoned mini Detroits. We need to encourage people to buy American! Sure, the cost may be higher, but think of the jobs fixing teeth and cleaning up explosions you'd help create! —SRD

.

1. Aging Led Zeppelin fans, because there won't be a reunion tour anytime soon.

(Getty)

Music lovers who came of age in the era of "Dazed and Confused" and "Stairway to Heaven" will be heartbroken to learn that a Led Zeppelin reunion tour is not happening anytime soon. The tour was the brainchild of Richard Branson, who was planning to loan one of his jumbo jets—renamed "The Starship"—for the musicians to travel in. Reportedly, former lead singer Robert Plant literally tore up the $800 million contract for the tour because the timing just isn't right. God, can you even imagine being there, in the room, when he tore up that contract? And then Jimmy Page comes in with a power riff, and John Paul Jones breaks it down on recorder, and it's just like, what? Is this really happening? Good, I'm glad you can imagine it, because you're never going to see them play together live. —SRD

1. GOP Stumbled Upon Anti-Obamacare Tactic So Stupid It Might Actually Work

Conservative opponents of Obamacare have recently discovered that the answer to their problem of poor people having health care may lie in four small words in a subsection of the  Affordable Care Act. Due to some legal gymnastics that are too boring to go into here, a creative reading of the phrase "established by the State" could, in effect, disqualify the law in 36 states. The argument is somewhat absurd. So, naturally, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear it. 

Once they've blocked his Attorney General nomination, ended Obamacare and impeached him, GOP will work with the President.

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) November 10, 2014

2. Amy Schumer Triumphantly Shatters Comedy Central's Glass P-Word

Comedian Amy Schumer has done all of humanity a great service. For years now, the word "dick" has been proudly flaunted on Comedy Central while its female counterpart remained hidden behind a post-production beep. The sketch comedy star has now successfully lobbied the basic cable channel for the right to use the word "pussy" on air, sans shame. The word's inaugural use on the channel can be heard in the clip below:

Amy Schumer seems like a grown-up, extroverted Daria Morgendorffer.

— Mojave Phone Booth (@MojaveFoneBooth) April 2, 2014

3. Blacks, Gays And Jews Can Finally Realize Their Longstanding Dream Of Joining Ridiculous Hate Group

A Montana-based wing of the Ku Klux Klan is making history by opening its membership rolls to a number of groups whom the white supremacist terror group has historically worked to subjugate. Blacks and whites, gays and straights, Jews and Christians—they can finally join hands together in the solidarity of absurd, anachronistic notions of hatred and jingoism. Martin Luther King would have been so proud.

A member of the KKK in Montana wants to create a more diversity in the Klan. By "diversity," I assume he means DIFFERENT COLORED SHEETS.

— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) November 8, 2014

4. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker Officially Begins 2016 Election Season

Less than a week after midterm elections, presidential hopeful Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker lobbed a thinly-veiled insult at fellow Wisconsinite Sen. Paul Ryan, who is expected to be a strong candidate for the GOP nomination. Declaring to Politico that "governors make much better presidents than members of Congress," Walker dropped the gauntlet and lifted the curtain on the clown show that will be the 2016 presidential election cycle.

The worst part about the Paul Ryan/Scott Walker-version of Fight Club is realizing Walker is the Brad Pitt character.

— LOLGOP (@LOLGOP) November 7, 2014

5. Scientists Spending An Awful Lot Of Time And Energy Finding Out All There Is To Know About Bird That Doesn't Even Exist Anymore

Just because the Dodo has now been extinct for more than three centuries is no reason for scientists to slow down on finding out everything they can about the flightless bird. Using 3D lasers and computers to intricately study every aspect of Dodo skeletons, researchers have made great strides recently in our understanding of these creatures. This will all come in very handy if one of the odd-looking animals waddles out of the woods one day.

Kickstarter: Bring back the Dodo!!

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) November 26, 2013

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"Day 4: Finding Emo - An insufferable teenage fish runs away from home. His father contemplates searching for him." (via)

Austin D. Light (yes, really) is a writer and illustrator from Charlotte, N.C., but like the rest of us he is also a denizen of the Internet. As a member-in-good-standing of the online community, Austin knows that sometimes typos lead to far more entertaining and exciting ideas than whatever the person originally intended. That's why Austin spent a solid month illustrating the best movie titles that reddit had come up with by removing one letter from the original title. Some of them were accidental typos, a lot of them came from an ancient (two-year-old) thread where redditors deleted one letter from a movie title on purpose. Regardless of how Austin got the inspirations for his movie versions, they were all awesome. 

"Day 28: O Bother, Where Art Thou? - Convicted felon, Winnie, breaks out of jail with the help of his prison mates Tigger and Piglet, and set off on a cross-state journey to find his missing honey pot." (via)

Many of them became way more family-friendly.

"Day 24: Alen - The story of a lonely cashier named Alen who yearns for something more. Something like eating astronauts." (via)

A lot of them would make Paul Verhoeven say "what the hell was going in your mind?"

"Day 1: Obocop - The story of how a police officer works through his PTSD and adjusts to his new robotic implants with the help of the sexy soothing sound of his oboe." (via)

Scroll through the whole album! Which one do you like best? You can check out Austin Light's website and order prints of your favorite.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Before photo: Jack the ding-a-ling.

If you're anything like me, you probably skipped reading this text to go straight to watching the glow stick blowing up in this kid's face, and only returned here to see if we mentioned anything about whether or not Jack is now blind/deformed/mutated into a superhero. Don't worry.

THE KID IS OK.

His brother (who is the one who posted the video) says he is fine, with the exception of ruining his shirt. So, you can go ahead and enjoy this video without fear that you are laughing at land mine footage. 

I cant even imagine what would provoke a kid to microwave something that is already glowing, but apparently microwaving a glow stick is an actual thing. Supposedly if your glow stick isn't burning brightly enough, a good life hack is to nuke it. You have to pull it out after ten seconds though, or you'll risk explosion.

Jack cooked the thing for about 20. 

What a ding-a-ling.

(by Myka Fox)