The eternal battle between baby and dog.

Place your bets! Place your bets! On this side, we've got the incredibly happy baby Laura Olivia. On the other, Charlie the extremely determined beagle. Which one will walk away from this tug-of-war contest with the drool-covered bib?

What a load of crap! Did you see that? The beagle totally took a dive there at the end. I feel really cheated right now.

You know, though? That's actually a really smart strategy on the dog's part. In just a few months, that little girl is going to be a goldmine of thrown food and spilled liquids. It's probably in Charlie's best interest to keep her happy.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

That "Help Wanted" sign seems redundant. (Via)

Unity is alive and well amongst our servers of chain-restaurant barbecue, if this note posted on the door of a Dickey's Barbecue Pit is any indication. It would appear some mis-management has led the staff to band together and halt all pulling of pork until their voices are heard.

Shared on reddit, this Dickey's is probably one of the five locations in Ohio, based on the staff's recommendation that customers try the Lewis Center, Ohio location. 

Seeing things like this should make us feel optimistic that the job market really is bouncing back. In an economic downturn, shady employers get cocky. They know most people in this country are afraid to be thrown back out into the job market, so they feel free to cut corners and exploit their staff, until that fateful day comes when the staff gathers together around a piece of poster-board with a sharpie and composes their official declaration of "Eff this shithole."

Be warned, employers. Unemployment is approaching a pre-financial collapse low, and the job market is looking better and better. Your staff is starting to feel emboldened enough to walk. Go kiss their asses.

(by Bob Powers)

Related: A store manager was being a dick to her employees. So the entire staff quit, leaving her this note.

Got a problem with it? Talk to Annette.(via)

Adults are basically just children who've grown fat, watched their dreams die, and learned to shrink from confrontation. So it follows that the modern workplace is just as petty and territorial as your typical elementary school playground, except there's a lot less spitting and hair-pulling, and a lot more bitchy note-writing. The most successful workplace notes strive to entertain just as much as they impolitely advise and chastise, and the notes collected here are some of the best of the medium.

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Eat the cupcake, your kid will never know. (via)

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How about Cocktor Pepper? (via)

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Someone's on the Candy Crush Diet. (via)

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As if the French Bread Pizza Bandit would ever bother to read that.(via)

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That kind of sounds like your problem, Tony. (via)

(updated 11.10.14)

Funny one, 90s kid. (via)

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Notes are a great way to spot a place with great job security. (via)

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The part about it being a high tech company wasn't even necessary. (via)

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Even if it were, I wouldn't take it from that sink. (via)

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A tribute to DeFrost Kelley. (via)

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I bet some of that medication is missing. (via)

(updated 9.08.14)

Clearly the work of a career food thief.(via)

Can never be sure when you work at Disney.(via)

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The time on the microwave speaks volumes.(via)

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Thanks, but I've already got a paper strips guy.(via)

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The law offices of Passive, Aggressive and Annoying.(via)

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"So it is written, so it shall be flushed."(via)

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"That's so funny, because I lick your pens too!" (via)

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Recurring dreams go in the blue bin.(via)

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Nice thought, especially considering the source.(via)

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You'd think at this point it would be up for grabs.(via)

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Thanks, but that doesn't really solve the problem. (via)

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It's not what you think - a guy named "Jack" took a half-day.
To masturbate.(via)

Updated 8.11.14

Episode VIII: The Cubicle Menace. (via)

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Caution: Faint while using the urinal and you'll never hear the end of it.(via)

Gas station spelling error. It's supposed to say "Pimp 6."(via)

For Rachel's sake, I hope she's leaving.(via)

Asking for trouble in a mostly female office.(via)

"Wide awake... staring at this blank screen." (via)

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Who do I see about getting a glass of milk?(via)

That is one low bar for "nice things."(via)

Keep it up and the printer will outlast you.(via)

"Thanks for reminding me.. to let it gooooo!"(via)

Don't encourage them!(via)

 Never forget 5.05.14 (via)

Updated 6.10.14

"I'd actually prefer to speak with your commanding officer." (via)

So you're saying it's organic? (via)

Someone's making this way too complicated. (via)

Time to strat over. (via)

Saying goodbye with cat litter box cake.(via)

"Oh my God! I'm spilling my coffee everywhere!"(via)

Thanks! How about an aisle traffic report? (via)

And productivity is down.(via)

This must not be the first time the pot was left empty.(via)

"Yes! I can do this!"(via)

This is the storyboard for Taken 9: Office Hijinks.(via)

Two weeks later I bet it's still sitting there. (via)
 

Updated 4/16/14

"You mean the one with the reindeers and all the fingerprints?" (via)

Also good for sending passive aggressive messages to grimy coworkers.(via)

Whether it's toilet seats or soup, no one likes a cold bowl.(via)

As an optimist, I'm guessing cupcake.(via)

One is obviously for the personal use of the genius who wrote the note. (via) 
 

Ew! He didn't even lift up the seat! (via)

Coffee burn!(via)

Lee should report Steve's "XO" to HR. (via)

As an optimist, I see the sink as half-empty.(via)

It's "demasiado," dum-mas. (via)

Every picture tells a story. This one looks disgusting. (via)

I guess "please flush" wasn't doing the trick.(via)

Updated 2/10/14:

Please make sure your kitchen notes adhere to AP style, thx. (Via)

Easier than trying to figure out what that little icon on the tray is supposed to mean.(Via)

Fine, we'll pass the time by touching each other.(Via)

Betting those messy dishes are less unsightly than a wall full of memes.(Via)

Of course she did. Even expired Rolos are still better than non-expired everything else. (Via)

Well, Luke, thanks for all the hours you've logged. (Via)

Updated 11/19/13:

All is forgiven, Lee. Easy on the sprinkles next time. This isn't kindergarten. (Via)

Printers don't have mothers. They burst forth from hell and land directly on Best Buy shelves.(Via)

They need to stop hiring out-of-work wizards onto the cleaning staff.(Via)  

Darcy might have an eating disorder. Or he needs a raise. (Via)

Bet they have to put up a new sign come January.(Via)

I'd never complain about meetings running long if they were run by Bussiness Cat. (Via)

Update 10/16/13:

Still doesn't look secure. He should have put the filing cabinet on top of it for weight.

Guess some people like to make signs at the urinal instead of conversation.

A pen so awesome it will make you racist against yourself.

A delicious treat and it makes you regular? Sign us up!

Don't fall for the sign. They eat donuts really awkwardly too.

I like this office. They don't mess around.

Updated 9/19/13:

...and coffee is the only thing that puts us back together.

She went out of her way to make such a nice sign. She porbably appreciates the notes.

Probably a restaurant. Anyone with a special "pasta fridge" in their office has no right to be angry.

No, honey, I haven't been kissing anyone. I've just been stealing food.

Did she spell "highness" wrong? Or "You're"?

Worst. Day care center. Ever.

Updated 8/20/13:

I'd brew me. I'd brew me so hard.

Offices shouldn't be telling us how to love!

Open casket. It woud have wanted it that way.

The signs are breeding.

Say yes indeed to weed.

They really need to clean that vending room if it's got a groundhog problem.

Updated 7/24/13:

Alert. Pointless Signs!

If you'd taught the kitten to attack, the Tupperware thief would have been dead already.

Hopefully our time machines will be more reliable than our copy machines.

We all have our signature style.

The TL;DR version of the above.

Speak for yourself. My nickels give me balance.

Updated 6/27/13:

Physician, heal thyself.

You've got to really love stealing office equipment if you're taking the drains.

We'd risk our job for half an oreo.

Side-note: Keurig coffeee is always horrible. We'd quit if they started making us use those K-cups.

So medium-sized poos are cool?

If you know the author of this sign, withold your love from them. They are undeserving of love.
 

Updated 5/31/13:

Thanks for the choices! We'll take option B.

This is why we don't let our utensils date.

Follow the old ladies. They know where the comfier chairs are.

Or just burst in. It's adorable watching them scurry under their desks.

But we took the red pill! You have no choice when you work in an office.

Updated 4/11/13:

You mean besides cut-up chickens, pigs, cows, and probably horses if this is Europe?

"Pardon me, I was just wondering where I could get one of those signs!"
 

Some people give a shit; others take them without warning during the work day.
 

Office communications are so much clearer when there's clearly no HR.
 

Sounds like a cheesy cheddar challenge! ...aaaand there's a fire.
 

That chair wanted to hold the ass of a big start-up entrepeneur, but she got an IT guy.

Updated 3/11/13:

This is why we microchipped all our pens. Too many sickos out there.
 

Memes: The best passive-aggressive retort there is.

Maybe we should all just switch to "Ur" for everything and stop embarrassing ourselves.

I'm sorry. Your husband didn't put a lid on his reheated pasta. Now you have to pay.

He might have fun. He might also discover who he was meant to be.

This note is also works great when you put it on the office door of your least favorite coworker.

Updated 1/28/13:

When will Serge and Wendall stop this bickering and realize they're in love...with pee?

Please try to achieve the level of joylessness that's expected of you.

The plate kidnapped itself, Lebowski. It owed crumbs all over town.

We were going to drop some M-80s down its drain, but the sledgehammer sounds fun too.

If our workplace instituted this rule we'd strike.

The zombie thing is cute, but does the original sign mean you could really lose your job for eating someone's hot pocket?

Updated 12/10/12:

That stuff really works, btw. We can steal Karen's yogurt whenever we want now!

It's worth the $18/hour. Sandra is an absolutely scintillating conversationalist. You'll weep.

That drain sucks!

They still don't know who shot that room.

Matt doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself right now.

These facility repairs will be seen as cheesy at first, but will attain a cult status when they hit video.

Fran will devote the rest of her days to making you shit too much.

Updated 10/10/12:

"Did you see Homeland last night? It made me reflect on Plato's Cave and ideal forms." 

The prophet Isiah said one day a female Messiah shall deliver women from Aunt Flo.
 

Dietary harassment is a growing problem in the modern, fat workforce.
 

That mug is the reason local news now shows Ceramic Alerts.
 

Something tells us that guy likes to push everyone's buttons a lot.
 

After all, if you don't throw out the box, no one else can put in food to steal.
 

That lack of self-control also applies to resisting the urge to write passive-agressive notes.

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Why text at home when you can pay outrageous prices to text in a theater? 

A man was attending a TCL Chinese Theater screening of Mr. Turner Monday night when he became distracted by the bright glow of the woman texting in front of him.

Without resorting to violence for her unforgivable rudeness, an eyewitness told Mashable that the man politely said to the woman, "Sir, please turn off your screen."

The woman ignored his request, possibly to tell whoever she was texting, "this idiot behind me thinks I am a man."

The man repeated his request several times before resorting to tapping her on the shoulder to get her attention, and thats when she lost it. 

According to Mashable:

"The woman reacted angrily to being touched, and "flipped out" on him, the eyewitness said. "She stands up and starts cursing, saying 'You hit me, you hit me, I'm going to call the police." She then turned the phone's flashlight function on and pointed it directly at the man's face.

The awkward standoff lasted for nearly a minute, the witness said, and she continued shining the light even as people all around implored her to turn it off and sit down. As the man was calmly defending himself, she then told him she had mace and started digging in her bag.

Without hesitation, she took the cap off the bottle, pointed it directly in his face and sprayed him at point-blank range."

What a total lunatic. At least a skunk has a stripe going down its back to warn you that its packing heat. 

Anyways.

The man and the woman he was with left the theater, and everyone else sat back down to watch the movie for another twenty uninterrupted minutes before security escorted the texting skunk safely back out into the wild. 

If you or someone you know has a problem texting while at the movies, you're not alone. Seek help immediately. Or just take your phone outside.

(by Myka Fox)

It's a one-speed. Fast.

If you had asked me as a child how to break the world speed record on a bicycle, I would have told you to strap rockets onto it, and then I would have looked at you funny for asking me such an easy question. As it turns out, hypothetical-arrogant-child me was right to be so cocky, because that's exactly what Swiss cyclist and speed demon François Gissy did to smash the world record (his own) for fastest speed on a bicycle by reaching a Schwinn-melting 207 MPH in under 5 seconds at the Circuit Paul Ricard race track.

Let me repeat that: 0-207 MPH in 4.8 seconds on two skinny wheels, a frame and a seat. Check it out (video has multiple runs):

Gissy acheived this speed with the help of a hydrogen peroxide rocket designed by Exotic Thermo Engineering's Arnold Neracher. Gissy's previous record was a paltry 177 MPH, set way back in 2013.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Good news for people who love meteors.

On Saturday night, a 4,000 pound meteor landed in central Texas. It lit up the night sky, drawing 911 phone calls from concerned residents. 

The only people who weren't concerned were those attending this Modest Mouse concert in Austin that night, because they probably thought it was a light show that was part of the performance. The incredibly bright meteor whizzed across the sky during the song "Dark Center of the Universe" and was captured on video by YouTube user Jamey Maki. 

Good times.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

There's no such thing as a free bird. 

Florida police arrested seven men during a prostitution sting, and boy oh boy did they really catch some hardened criminals. 

One of those men, Steven Torres, offered an undercover agent  $3 and a chicken dinner in exchange for some carnal activity. After the female agent agreed, Torres was arrested for soliciting prostitution. 

I don't have the transcripts of how that exchange went down, but where I'm from, the promise of chicken dinner is a date, and the three dollars is a paltry (poultry?) investment compared to an evening of free range dining. 

Had he not offered the three bucks, would he have been cuffed just for the chicken dinner? I feel like he must have been goaded into solicitation, which begs the question: which offer came first, the chicken, or the nest egg?

Torres was taken to jail but released on bond and is due back in court December 1st. 

Maybe next time he should just offer the $3 in the form of a side. 

(by Myka Fox)

Learning to love again. (via Facebook)

A Washington D.C. couple apparently didn't know the only vulnerable creatures you're supposed to hurt during a break-up are each other. 

Feeling hostile after a breakup with his girlfriend, a dude mailed fifteen baby chicks to his ex along with a note that read "There are a lot of other chicks out there." Was he trying to win her back with adorable tiny animals that he hoped they could raise together? Did he just want to freak her out because she's terrified of birds? Who knows?

The woman, who seems to have been unmoved, told the postal worker she was going to throw the chicks in the trash. They're both so wantonly destructive it's a wonder things didn't work out!

Luckily for these completely innocent baby chicks, the postal worker decided to rescue them and took them to the Washington Humane Society. (There was nothing he could do for the gross couple's souls.) From there, the chicks moved to Poplar Spring Animal Sanctuary and Peaceful Fields Sanctuary, which, if you check out some of the photos on their Facebook pages, seem like magical places. All 15 chicks are warm, dry and doing well (one broke her leg but is recovering).

"Couldn't have gone with 'There are plenty more fish in the sea,' huh?" (via Facebook)

In case you were wondering, it is legal to mail day-old baby chicks, though some, like Terry Cummings of Poplar Spring don't think it should be. It is not legal to throw them in the garbage. Nor is it currently legal to stuff an ex-boyfriend in a box and ship him to Antarctica, even if you poke breathing holes in the side. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

I've been listening to Vulgar Display of Cuteness since they were a sonogram heartbeat.

This is baby Wyatt. He loves Pantera and mixed nuts. Fortunately for his dad, Wyatt was born a gifted drummer, and has selflessly allowed his dad to hold on to his arms while he whales on a tiny set of drums made from the cans and lids left from the many nuts consumed during long hours of practice.

Wyatt goes so ape during his version of "5 Minutes Alone" that his thrashing almost threatens to wreck the whole drum kit. 

So cute. Someone should really animate him.

(by Myka Fox)

Missing the enlightened safe space of Jabba's cave.

Yes, we're here again with another parody of the Walking In NYC street harassment video (cool thing to parody!). And yes, these are still pouring in even though it's kind of late in the game, but there are so many locations!

This one is the dorkiest one yet but, well, it's pretty well done! There's laughs to be had! Please enjoy ten hours of walking through well-timed Star Wars references.

(by Bob Powers)

Lifehack: Do not put in pants.

I really don't want this to come off as some kind of endorsement of thievery—I would like the record to clearly show that I don't think anybody should be stealing anything from anybody—but I don't think that chainsaws make for very good shoplifting marks.

Again, please don't steal, but if you're going to shoplift something by sticking it in your pants and then casually walking out of your local hardware store, maybe choose something smaller like a screwdriver or a handful of loose wingnuts. Hell, I'll bet they won't even come running after you for a dozen or so wingnuts.

But a chainsaw? Well, observe this video here and see if you can figure out the problem:

Yeah, it's kind of big, right? Sort of looks like he has a giant chainsaw in his pants, huh? Miraculously, Mr. Chainsaw-Down-His-Pants somehow got far enough away from the scene of the crime the stash the chainsaw in the woods, but was subsequently caught by police when he went to retrieve it.

As dumb as this crime is, I suppose it could have been worse. The chainsaw could have been running. 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)