Theft.0.

The television industry is notorious for stealing ideas. For instance, in the early nineties I had an idea for a show called Friends, only instead of being centered around of a bunch of young, attractive people sitting around a coffee shop in Manhattan, it was about a bunch of metal head losers smoking weed in the woods. Eerily similar. And it happens all the time.

Daniel Tosh wasn't the first person to come up with the idea to play wacky videos and crack jokes. Again, that was also me. As well as AFV, Talk Soup and a bunch of other clip-based shows that have come and gone over the years.

But one regular bit on Tosh.0 that is unquestionably his own is a segment called Web Redemption, where Tosh tracks down the star of a viral FAIL video and gives them a chance to redeem themselves on national television. So he was understandably pissed to discover that ESPN had taken his idea for "a new device" called The Awesome Video Segment. In it, they followed up with Mark Donnelly, the skater who famously wiped out while singing the Canadian national anthem, and gave him a chance to redeem himself.

Tosh called out the Worldwide Leader in Sports as "f*cking hacks that are cheapening my brand," before introducing a stolen segment of his own, Sports Science.0. 

The segment won't likely frighten the executives who run the billion-dollar monster that is ESPN. If anything, they may sue him for stealing their idea.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"Some folks like to get away, take a holiday, from their tiny tits..."

The weather's getting colder, the holidays are headed our way, and everyone has begun dreaming of how they will escape on vacation. You know what that means... it is time to get temporarily bigger boobs. 

Used to be that if you wanted to get bigger breasts, you had to either:

a) Go through puberty
b) Gain enough weight for it to effect the area
or
c) Get expensive and permanent plastic surgery

But what if you don't want to have bigger boobs forever? What if, say, you just want to get them long enough to get your boyfriend to propose to you, or you need them for the just one time you film a porn scene to pay off your student loans, and you swear you'll go right back to your work as an art docent? What then???

Enter NY Plastic Surgeon Dr. Norman Rowe (of course his name would be Norman), innovator of all boobs temporary.

Norm the Storm, reminding you that these gobstoppers are not everlasting. (Via ABC)

You might recognize him as the inventor of the "Insta breast," a procedure in which saline formula is injected directly into your bosom to give you bigger breasts for one day before deflating.

Norman said he created the 24-hour twins so that women could experience what it was like to live with larger breasts, but after some indecisive women got the procedure multiple times, he decided to offer a longer trial. 

Now we have Vacation Breasts, the breast that lasts two to three weeks. The injection method will be similar, but the formula being injected is top secret. Old Norm wouldn't share the exact deets, but he told ABC that it is "something that's already widely used in the medical community for other purposes."

Ooh, let me guess! Is it silicone? Sponges? Wheelchairs? Will you tell me when I'm getting warm?

Whatever it is that he is shoving in your shmozobs, Normy says that the, "'implants' are perfect for a special occasion -- such as a wedding or vacation -- but also give women a better opportunity to see what living with larger breasts is really like."

For a wedding? Nothing like testing out a major thing like body modification during one of the most stressful and photographed times in your life. You'll have those fun bags just long enough for you to get back from your honeymoon when the reality of your adult life can be punctuated with the deflation of your fake tits. (Also there is a risk of illness from hitting a blood vessel, infection, etc... all great ways to start your new life!)

Inject me now! Do they cost money?

Norm the Storm says we can't get our hands on some fleeting fun bags for at least another two years,  and told ABC that cost depends on us the consumer. The more women who want these half-month half-melons, the cheaper it will get, but he is expecting the price will be less than the $2,500 insta-tit. Plus, he's not just counting on women to make him rich. He is also working on applying his plumping techniques to men's calves and pecs. 

He didn't say wether he was able inject his secret formula into your ass, but I'm guessing with enough interest, I'm sure the Normster will figure it out.

(by Myka Fox)

1. Internet Remains Fully Operational 16 Hours After Kim Kardashian's Ass Attempts To Take It Down 

Despite its best efforts, the shimmering backside of professional celebrity Kim Kardashian has thus far failed in a terrorist attempt to take "#BreakTheInternet." Nearly a day and a half after Kardashian and her butt uploaded images of themselves on the new Paper Magazine cover, the Internet remains in one piece. To learn more about this pressing issue, check pretty much any legitimate news source. 

Kim Kardashian's ass is very aggressive. I feel unsafe!

— Jessica Kirson (@JessicaKirson) November 12, 2014

Say what you will about Kim Kardashian, but not many people could stir up this much shit showing off something everyone's already seen.

— shauna (@goldengateblond) November 12, 2014

2. Randy Jackson Retiring From 'American Idol' To Spend More Time With Familial Dawgs

After 13 years of leaning back in his chair and referring to fellow adults as "dawg" on Fox's hit competitive singing TV series American Idol, Randy Jackson has announced his retirement. What he chooses to do next with his self-evident and immense talents currently remains a mystery. 

Randy Jackson is leaving American Idol after 13 seasons. Anyone left in the dog pound will be put down.

— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) November 11, 2014

3. Science: Yes, Your Cat Wants To Eat You

Your cat is virtually genetically indistinguishable from wild jungle animals who would eat your face off as soon as look at you, according to researchers at Washington University in St. Louis. "We believe we have created the first preliminary evidence that depicts domestic cats as not that far removed from wildcat populations," the senior author of the study told the Los Angeles Times. This information comes as a surprise to no person who has ever owned a cat.

Tip: Cats don't even like being called.

— Jill Morris (@JillMorris) October 29, 2014

4. Red Bull Is The Official Energy Drink Of ISIS's Continued Efforts To Take Down Modern Civilization

Jihadist militant members of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria have a lot more in common with U.S. gamers than just disturbing levels of misogyny. It appears that both groups choose to fuel their day-to-day efforts with energy drinks like Red Bull. A Turkish trucking company told Bloomberg that "every day we have four or five trucks carrying Red Bulls to Syria." 

Ok explain this like I'm 5. How do we effectively contain ISIS in the region and why does daddy fall down after drinking his grownup juice?

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 5, 2014

5. God Of Moses To Be Played By Little Kid In 'Exodus' Casting Decision Certain To Not Annoy Anyone

Any movie fans who were worried that Ridley Scott's upcoming adaptation of the Biblical story of Moses might not live up to the extreme solemnity and non-silliness of his previous film Prometheus should find solace in the information that 11-year-old British actor Isaac Andrews has been cast as the Supreme Architect of All Creation. So, no need to worry at all.

Somebody should've told Ridley Scott that there's source material for the Exodus story other than the cartoon "Prince of Egypt".

— David Waghalter (@dwaghalter) July 9, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

I'm not going to tell you. I want you to guess.

Is there anything worse than someone claiming they "don't care where we eat"? "Where we eat" is the only fun choice we get to make as adults. Why would anyone want to cast the most joyful of decisions aside like that? 

And then, these strange creatures always respond to your first few suggestions with "um..." or "I had pizza for lunch," and it quickly becomes clear they do care—of course they care! Everyone cares! 

I don't think it's sexist to say it is only women who do this. But we can change! We just need to lean in and demand our favorite Indian place. 

Comedian JSnow brings us the extreme lengths one man went to when his girlfriend once again refused to give an answer. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

More treats than most people can even stack.

I'm assuming that this golden retriever got the nickname "Jenga Dog" due to the Jenga-like stacking pattern that his person uses to pile crazy amounts of dog treats onto his snout. It's probably not a reference to the dog's ability to actually play the game Jenga.

Just so you know going into this video, it shows Carson the "Jenga Dog" breaking a world record by balancing fifty treats on his nose. It doesn't show him leaning carefully over the dining room table—one quivering arm outstretched toward the unsteady structure of wooden blocks before him—before turning and yelling at his friend to shut up for two goddamn minutes.

I mean, it's still really impressive. It's just not the first thing that popped into my head.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Be thankful you weren't in this today. (via Getty)

I'm going to have a hard time explaining this story because I'm getting debilitating vertigo just reading about it, but here goes: two window washers spent a good portion of this afternoon hanging onto a broken piece of scaffolding outside the 68th floor of 1 World Trade Center.

According to reports, they were just going about their day, washing windows about 400 feet in the sky—you know, normal Wednesday stuff—when, at around 12:45 pm one of the cables for the scaffolding became loose, and the next thing they knew, they were dangling off the side of the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere.

Imagine how terrifying it would be to find yourself in that predicament for just one minute. Almost inconceivable, right? Now multiply that by ninety! The New York Fire Department wasn't able to pull them in through a window until 2:15 pm. That's an hour and a half! Had that been me hanging onto that scaffolding, the better parts of my brain would have melted out of my ear long before they were able to pull my shivering, catatonic body inside.

According to the FDNY, both men are now safe and in good condition. I don't know about them, but I think I need a drink. 

Now: #FDNY rescuing workers trapped on scaffolding outside 1 World Trade Center. View from the 68th floor. pic.twitter.com/3c7Oi8EZPD

— FDNY (@FDNY) November 12, 2014

UPDATE: Workers successfully rescued from One World Trade Center — http://t.co/W1oKR6oaglpic.twitter.com/8XOSeGISlK

— Newsweek (@Newsweek) November 12, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Klu-less.
(via x17Online)

This is so sad. On a day that was supposed to be all about Kim Kardashian's ass and its attempt to break the Internet, her sister Khloe bummed everyone out by posting a racially charged joke to her Instagram account. 

A lot of people were upset because Khloe seems to be under the impression that, because she and her sisters have dated a lot of black guys, and their name begins with a "K," she somehow gets a pass at making jokes about the Ku Klux Klan and African Americans. Even more people were upset because the meme she posted has been floating around the Internet for years.

Even among the people that follow her account, the reviews were mixed, ranging from "Bahahaha" to "Wow. She needs a lesson in race relations. Disrespectful."  Klhoe deleted the post pretty quickly, but not before Scott Disick, who plays the role of sister Kourtney's evil boyfriend on the show, decided to not help by posting the pic to his account with the words "And a Jew."

And a Jew

A photo posted by Lord Disick (@letthelordbewithyou) on Nov 11, 2014 at 4:10pm PST

.

That pic is still up, while Khloe followed up the missing original with an explanation of sorts.

.

A photo posted by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on Nov 11, 2014 at 5:47pm PST

.

After that, she probably settled in for a night of crying and complaining about Scott, while being screamed at by her sisters and her mom for attempting to steal the thunder from Kim's ass.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Kim Kardashian's naked butt cover of Paper Magazine was destined to grab the attention of anyone with eyes and an interest in inconsequential things. Now it's time to use it to raise awareness and spread important information. 

Her butt can draw attention to the hard-to-face facts that people tend to ignore, but that they need to know more than ever. It can provide the conduit for a brand new medium of truth dissemination. Combine her ass with these important messages and people will no longer be able to ignore the things that matter most.

It's a butt that can make the world a better place.

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(by Bob Powers)

What kind of bossy, kale-eating basic bitch would want to ban "feminist"? (via)

TIME Magazine held their fourth annual word banishment poll today, and for some reason, one of the words they think may need to go is "feminist." In previous years, voters banned OMG, YOLO, and twerk, all of which fit the bill for annoying Internet-y phrases that might otherwise destroy the English language. But "feminist"?

Katy Steinmetz, the woman who wrote the TIME article, explains her reasons for including it: 

Makes perfect sense. You don't have anything against feminism, you just don't ever want to hear anyone say "feminist" ever again. This is actually how I feel about kale, another word on the list. But feminism being an ever-so-slightly larger part of the national conversation this year doesn't seem like the same thing as a bunch of people on Instagram overusing the word "bae." Also, for some reason, Steinmetz links out in her explanation to this article, which decries the fact that female celebrities misunderstand the term "feminism" and refuse to call themselves feminists. 

Naturally, feminists on Twitter were pissed off. (The feminists, they don't do well with being told to shut up, Katy.)

.@katysteinmetz Inclusion of “feminist” on your list of should-be-banned words in indefensible and gross.

— Rebecca Schinsky (@RebeccaSchinsky) November 12, 2014

TIME thinks the word "feminist" should be banned? We think reductive attacks on feminism should be banned. #justsayinhttp://t.co/3pJMAs4SyD

— Planned Parenthood (@PPact) November 12, 2014

.@katiesteinmetz thanks for including "feminist" in yr @Time poll of words we should ban in 2015. Misogynist trolls needed another platform!

— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) November 12, 2014

Those "misogynist trolls" @Caissie is talking about are coming from 4Chan in droves to vote for the word "feminist."

As of right now, "feminist" is winning with 47% of the vote:

(via)

A pretty stupid prank, and a pretty good reminder of why we should all be talking about feminism a lot more.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Discovering magic.

Oh, what a cynical world we live in. What sad joyless fools we have allowed ourselves to become. How have we, as a society, failed to recognize the simple, blissful magic of a birthday card that plays music when we open it? What wonder! What magic! What a catchy little tune!

We should count ourselves lucky that we have the unsullied innocence of children, such as this happy little one-year-old here, to direct us toward the marvels all around us, in our lives and in our birthday cards:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

An extremely rare Macawnaughey.

Pretty much anyone can do a Matthew McConaughey impression. At least anyone with the ability to say "alright" three times in a row with a minor Texas twang. At this point, it might as well be a requirement on the U.S. citizenship test. No one is impressed by anyone else's ability to quote the famous line from Dazed and Confused. However, when a parrot pulls it off, it's still pretty cool. Is it a great McConaughey? Not at all. But for an girl, it's not bad. And for an animal it's pretty stellar.

As impressive and entertaining as it is, the real trick will be getting her to stop.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This girl is infected with the parasite for sure. 

So this is a video of a kitten voraciously sucking on a girl's eyelashes like they contain the anti-venom. It isn't totally weird that this kitten would do that. It's actually kind of a thing for young felines, they like to do it as a comforting mechanism. My own perfect pet, Toe, tried to pull this stunt when she was a baby cat animal, but after learning that a cat will eat the eyes out of their owner's dead body, I kept baby Toe locked outside my room while I slept in case she was too dumb to know I was still alive.

And these adorable hell beasts aren't even discriminatory! As the description says, "he will suck on anyone's eyelashes if you let him." It isn't even personal or special, but this frickin' girl just lets her sister's grey puff ball go to town on her eye fringe until the mascara drips down her face like she was trying to star in The Dark Knight. All the while, the kitten is making a wretched sucking noise that can only foreshadow the future sounds of him consuming her deadened eye orbs. 

So cute, though.

(by Myka Fox)

Most people know that the popular Sting wedding song, "I'll Be Watching You," is, in theory, about a stalker (specifically, a guy who stalks Biggie Small's ghost, right?). But it just sounds so nice! It can't really be that creepy and menacing if it sounds so much like love, can it? Yes, yes it can, and all you need to do is listen to this minor key version by Chase Holfelder as part of his Major to Minor song series. I mean, yeah, that's what stalking sounds like.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Gently down the stream my ass!

I've never watched the sport of rowing before because it seemed like it would be incredibly dull. However, this clip from the 2014 Snowflake Regatta, held yesterday in Riverhead, N.Y. on Tuesday, the sport seems to combine the excitement of NASCAR with the entertainment value of a drunken party brawl.

I don't know the rules, but based on the video, the objective for each crew appears to be to score points in a number of ways, including: ramming your boat into a dock loaded with people, running your boat into a patch of lake weeds, executing a head-on collision into another team's boat, and preventing other teams from scoring by idling in the middle of the water while being screamed at by angry spectators. It's as thrilling as it is confusing!

(by Jonathan Corbett)