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Chelsea Handler is not about to leave Kim Kardashian's ass out there all alone.

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Chelsea Handler here, "cracking" wise. (Via Instagram)

By this point, even the blind have had Kim K's oily ass described to them in detail. Chelsea Handler has decided to bring her own butt to the table (by this point, even the blind know that Kim' K's ass can be used as a table). The late night talk show host has gone even later night by posting a photo of her derrière on Instagram. 

Can you believe more than 2 ass can fit on the same screen? Guess which one's real. Your move, instagram.

A photo posted by Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) on

With the caption "Can you believe more than 2 ass can fit on the same screen? Guess which one's real. Your move, instagram," Handler systematically took down two targets. First, greasy Kim for her obviously (allegedly) photoshopped ass, and then Instagram, for their strict and arbitrary nudity rules.

You may remember a couple weeks ago, when Chelsea did a another side-by-side shot, posing topless like almost-virile Vlad. Instagram took it down three times citing that she had violated their policies, giving her a platform to make a stand on behalf of women's rights and posting captions like, "Taking this down is sexist. I have every right to prove I have a better body than Putin" and ""If a man posts a photo of his nipples, it's ok, but not a woman? Are we in 1825?" 

Chelsea put her topless photo back up on Instagram about an hour ago, this time next to Kim K's slimy butt. 


In the original photo, she shows her actual breasts. Someday I hope to live in a world where I can write about tit censorship without having to censor them. (Via Instagram)

Here Handler captions, "Just so I'm clear, Instagram...it's ok to use nudity to sexualize yourself on your site, but not to make a joke? I'm just so confused."

As of this posting, Instagram still has not removed her offending top half.

(by Myka Fox)


Paper Magazine

Huge development.

Mixed signals.

9 TED Talks Ted Cruz would give.

These two women performing a lightning fast martial arts demo are the true definition of badass.

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The Matrix is real.

It's easy to compare these two to Neo and Trinity and the rest of the leather-clad acrobats of the Matrix trilogy, except if Neo fought these two he would get his ass kicked before he had the time to deliver a single "Whoa." 

The martial art is Duilian, also known as Wushu. Based on this Wiki page, the spear she's slicing the air to shreds with is the Qiang, a flexible spear with red horsehair at the head.

Where's the slo-mo button on YouTube again?

(by Bob Powers)

Toddler just cannot hold it together while watching her sad cartoon.

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There's just...so much...to feel.

We can all relate to this little girl who probably promised herself she wouldn't cry during her car-ride viewing of a sweet cartoon. Sometimes, you're just hit with everything and you can't hold it in anymore. I react the same way whenever they spin around and reveal the new bar sign at the end of every Bar Rescue.

(by Bob Powers)

Isn't it bromantic.


Soul patch

Noteworthy.

Quicken

6 new contenders for the single most enjoyable note ever written to a neighbor.

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Why can't we all just git along, little dogie? (Via)

As the earth's population continues to grow, humans are forced to live in ever closer proximity to each other, pissing each other off in new and disgusting ways. The neighbor note is the most effective medium to alert your neighbors to the myriad ways in which their way of life is destroying yours. So if you're going to leave one yourself and want to make sure your neighbors pay heed, take a cue from these authors and unload on that piece of paper with both barrels.


Maybe the neighbors are hoping their mouths will get pissed in. (Via)

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Time to invest in a ski mask for your dog. (Via)

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And if it isn't tight, I'll make it tight. (Via)

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And the Superbowl is just a really great bowl. (Via)

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Kate has more adjectives than you have sex partners. (Via)

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This was the friendly reminder. The next reminder comes with pitchforks. (Via)

Updated 10/9/14:


That giant spool will make the perfect coffee table for your douchebag ex-husband!
(Via


I have almost all the ingredients to make one myself! (Via)

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Throw in another bottle of water and you're in, coach!.  (Via)

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I never realized how weird the word "mow" was spelled. (Via)

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I've worked too hard to look at your ugly footprints. (Via)

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The Copulator Cop strikes again. (Via)

Updated 9/3/14:


If you can hear me masturbating, you've quieted down enough. (Via

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Vengeance is swift in Canada. (Via)

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The investigation will look for roommates who take too long in the shower. (Via)

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MADE OUT OF PEOPLE. (Via)

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Oh yeah? Well no one wants to see your hair taped to the wall with this note, either. (Via)

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P.S. Please be real. I need something to believe in. (Via)

Updated 8/8/14: 


Maybe now isn't a good time to tell you you have a crazy sign in your yard. (Via


Damn, the store clerk told me that red shirt was an invisibility cloak. (Via)

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Beware of neighbor with clipart. (Via)

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"We Live Next Door To A Peeping Tom"
Maybe less people would look in your window if you stopped posting signs in it.
(Via)

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Sorry, my phone's "Someone will mourn her dead fiancé with a 5am wake up opera" alert must not have been set properly. (Via)

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God, you gonna help him on this one or what? In your name we pray, amen. (Via

Updated 7/2/14:


Guess I can add "bad neighborliness" to all the reasons to be ashamed of myself.(Via

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It's nice to see neighbors encouraging each other's artistic endeavors. (Via)



Fight fire with fire. Buy more cars. Buy so many cars they'll bow to you! (Via)



Aw, both neighbors like that movie about the people who make homemade explosives! (Via)



Neighbor of the year? Kind of braggy about the joke-telling though. (Via)



Dumb neighbor. Dogs can't read signs. (VIa)


Updated 6/1/14:


Dude, keep making noise as long as you keep delivering the guilt cookies. (Via)

 


Is this guy hoping those hashtags might start to spread?#yesallgirlbye(Via)


I'm sure they'd be cool with it if you put on some gloves first.(Via)


If you're going to leave a note, make sure you cover all your bases.


Have you heard the bad news?(Via)


Oh damn! Forget it. I am so not hard enough. (Via)

Updated 5/1/14:


Looks like we're gonna have a problem here. (Via)


"Stranger danger" has no effect on the inebriated and genitally exposed. (Via)

 


Do your children know you just made a sign with dog shit? (Via)

 


Cats can't read, but you might not be too good at that either so you're even. (Via)

 


#Myspot? Dude, get off Twitter. You can't hashtag real life. (Via)

 


If "Rimming" scores some cupcakes, #5 might be game.(Via)

 

Updated 4/1/14:


20G is the dictionary definition of "being chill." (Via)

 


That kitty seems kind of into it, though. Mixed messages! (Via)

 


The wording makes it really sound like this guy just found his life's mission. (Via)

 


For this rooster, we are all victims too. (Via)

 


I'm with the note-writer. Orgy-havers should keep it a secret from those who weren't invited. (Via)

 


So many valid points made in such a brief correspondence. (Via)

 

Updated 3/2/14:


It did seem odd that they kept screaming "Love." (Via)

 


But the dogs are just shouting, "Why don't you love us?!" (Via)

 


You're taking it too literally. UPS feels like "being home" is a state of mind, man. (Via)

 

 
What if you trained the dog to poop on junk mail? (Via)

 


This guy could help the sleepless neighbor above. (VIa)

 


It's a scary day when you find out your building has not one but two "Bronys." (Via)

 

Updated 2/3/14:


Oh damn. That guy had best never wave back. (Via)

 


Believe it or not, the guy who wrote this says his intended meaning was,
"Please, Satan, leave me alone." Oops.
(Via)

 


I bet Big booty bitches are just fine with the volume. (Via)



Seriously. And the "Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh" crap gets old real fast. (Via)

 


Less quiet? So, louder, and maybe with some narration so the kid gets it?(Via)

 


Say what you want about our kid, but how DARE you say we have no talent! (Via)

 

Updated 1/1/14:


Maybe they named her after a grandmother? (Via)

 


If you can't say something nice about someone, say it with the wifi.(Via)

 


Just seems like a really chill, helpful neighbor who loves life and fun. (Via)

 


The laundry room is the land of broken promises. (Via)

 


The "we're watching you" makes it seem like you're into it.(Via)

 


But I'm looking for a hot tub buddy with "benefits."(Via)

 

Updated 12/3/13:


You fear intimacy. Other people's really loud intimacy.

 


Wow! Imagine how bad the response would have been if they hadn't added the "Thanks."

 


If the cranking and wanking's too loud, you're too...tasteful musically.
(Via)

 



Maybe building inspectors need to pay more attention to wall thickness.

 


The more you f**k with her trash, the more she'll love you. That's just Steph!

 


Sure they probably didn't see it. Which makes this one the most passive-aggressive of all!!!

 

 

Updated 11/5/13:


His partner must have been worried sick.

 


Translation: Dear neighbors, when you're forced to do my laundry for me, do it right!

 


Roided out rat pee really gives a watermelon that extra crispness.

 


It told us to tell the ficus it always loved it.

 


Live in darkness, or feed me Whoppers. You make the call.

 


Coolest neighbor ever.

 

Updated 10/8/13:


Some men can only communicate in penis drawings. Especially when in a bathroom stall.

 


It would be worth it. That porch is irresistable.

 


Grammar Nazis have no business in elevator maintenance.

 


You should get a stethoscope and tape the listening end to the wall. It just works.

 


Holy crap. Do you live next to Ned Flanders?

 


Thus explaining the headline in the following morning's paper, "Man Killed By Whale In Apartment."

 

Updated 9/6/13:


It's easier than you think to drown in a paddling pool. If you drink enough.

 


In other words, we watch you through your windows and think you're hot!

 


"Naber?" Maybe he only heard people refer to "the neighborhood" as "the nabe?"

 


The big one is not to be trusted.

 


But you're so photogenic!

 


On the contrary, turn it up!!! From 402 —

 

Updated 8/7/13:


I sing what's in my heart. And everything in my heart is pure horror.

 


Worst thing is, it was blocked by a bag of cow's arseholes.

 


We didn't feel condescended to until you gave us the layman's definition of "urinate."

 


Or maybe your neighbor delivered it to you. Just in case you're interested...it's all clean.

 


That's nothing. Wait until they hook up with the singer from above.

 


Not a dry eye in the garage.

 

Updated 7/8/13:


Have some empathy for your jealous neighbors who long for human touch. Pipe down.

 


Lesson learned. Neighbors prefer to be concussed from above by full cans of beer.

 


It's been two years! Get over it. She's gone!

 


Don't test them. That grandson is a big fan of gravy fries.

 


Those two are going to have to get together for a movie night.

 


We thought our childhood issues just made us sleep with scary men. They make us litter too?

 

Updated 6/10/13:


That noise is whatever you want it to be, Kim.

 


And? What'd you think?

 


Well this sign is far more entertaining decoration, so silver lining?

 


There may be a vacancy in this building, as soon as Nick and his python are evicted.

 


Nah, he's sad inside too. He brings everybody down.

 


A truly polite marauder would have gone in and straightened things up a bit.

 

Updated 5/7/13:


Guess the tenant in #9 has no choice but to abandon their mail and move.

 


Or better yet, break up in your car. Make sure to play a sad song on the radio.

 


PPS: You can leave the souvenirs you bought me on my porch. Quietly!

 


What if all of his houseguests were hearing-impaired male siblings?

 


They scream across the studio to pretend it's bigger.

 


Good God. Just...good God!

 


But next time was going to be handcuffs and knee socks day. Ball gag is a week from now.

Updated 4/8/13:


Will this lion be in attendance? Because he seems nice.

 


Don't hit the H&R Block until after tax time. People need those returns, dammit. Have a heart.

 


Sweet! Free sex counseling! Why does anger turn us on so much?

 


Probably a lot of write-in answers on that one.

 


Of course if you chooe to post this on the internet, that's your decision.

 


You should thank them. Free fence!

 

Updated 3/12/13:


"Dude, what are these idiots smoking? We don't have a skunk. Oh."

 


5:30 AM is a small time. A very small time with NO ROOM FOR YOUR NOISE!!!
 


Although experts refute it, this photo of the Sock Ness Monster continues to intrigue.
 


"We left a note and tried to summon you with human sacrifice, but I guess you were busy."
 


The members of Apt. 93 have the best handwriting in this argument in Manchester, UK.
 


This girl has never made a decision that had any kind of odor in her life.

Updated 2/4/12:


Congratulations, Apt 2B. You're the most understanding neighbors on the planet.

 


No offense to Apt. 2B, but Apt. 3F is candidate for sainthood.

 


What ever happened to "Beware of Dog?"

 


He also has one that reads "Thank you for parking in front of my driveway. I hope you die."

 


We hope they responded with, "To the stupid shithead next door. You're welcome."

 


If that's what was left untouched, what on earth was redacted?

 


It's the fun new game, Secret Prizes For Poop! You'll see what's coming to you!!

 

Updated 11/29/12:


Wow, I can't believe those kids dropped out of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome university.

 


However, this does nothing to stop salespeople, landlords, or Antichristmas carollers.
 


She always moans when people park right in her spot.
 


"Did you see those assholes who just moved in?" "Yeah, they were very honest about it."

 


You don't get to be "Boss Lady of #75" without knowing how to do some serious italic yelling.
 


"Are you offering me your cat for free HBO? Because I can do that."

Posted 11/01/12:


This is called "The Direct Approach."
 


Now we're worried there are CDs of us crying being circulated by our neighbors.
 


The hardware store didn't have any "Owner Hates His Life" signs.
 


German? Those must have been some messy sexy times.
 


Can't wait until the next issue of "Noise Complaint Heroines" hits out comic book shop.
 


If someone being tortured shouts "Oh God yes," they're being tortured wrong.
 


He should be saying thank you. Forced nudity turned him into a real go-getter.

Updated 10/3/12:


From now on, they'll be sure and only whisper conspiratorially about boners.

 


They tried a Gangnam Style sign but it's hard to make a noise complaint while galloping.

 


Wait for the ransom request and don't involve the police or the tomato is ketchup.

 


Then why'd you install the cameras, perv?

 



They were up for a Macarthur Genius award but a Biggest Cunts award will do.

 

Updated 9/5/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 7/30/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 6/18/12:


There is absolutely nothing this person will not complain about.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 5/21/12:

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 4/30/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 4/10/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 3/20/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


"CD's Covered In Cat Piss. You Wanna Salvage Them? Be My Guest."
"Actually, The Cat Is Pretty On Target With The State Of The Music Industry Right Now. Funny That."

 

Updated 3/1/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 2/16/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

 

 


 

Updated 1/24/11:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 1/4/11:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated: 12/5/11

 

Taylor Swift photobombed a family photo shoot while she was out on a run in Nashville.

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Got her photobombing shoes on. (Sarah Bailey Photography)

Taylor Swift was on an adorable jog last weekend in Percy Warner Park in Nashville, when she pulled over to photobomb a couple of thrilled little girls who were getting portraits done. She did not take out her earbuds, which begs the question: what does Taylor Swift listen to when she runs? Herself?

Sarah Bailey was the photographer for one of those shoots, and told WKRN Nashville that the 9-year-old whose photo she was taking was too excited to speak. Swift told the little girl she looked pretty and then asked "Do you want to take your picture with me?" The answer was yes, obvi. 


You belong to me now, little girl. (Sarah Bailey Photography)

A little further down the path, Swift stopped again and photobombed a family's Christmas portrait. Hey, if it was fun the first time, why not just photobomb every little girl you see for the rest of time? Bill Murray does it. This lucky little gal was 8-year-old Anna Grace Farner. 


Jog it off.  (Brooke Rainey Photography)

The photos are super cute, but come on. Who goes running in full make-up with their hair down unless they're planning to do some family portrait-bombing? Also, are running tights supposed to fit that loosely? Thanks for making us all feel fat, T-Swift.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Two women are already camped out for Black Friday because life isn't worth living without a giant TV.

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First in line to get trampled. (Via ABC)

Vicky Torres and her friend Juanita Alva (pictured above) are bundled up in the frigid 66 degree California weather, camped out in front of a Best Buy. They've been there since Wednesday the 5th, three weeks before Thanksgiving, because they want to be the first in line for Black Friday sales

They've been there, round the clock, taking turns holding each other's spot each night while the other one gets to go home to sleep.

It has been almost a week, and they are still the only people in line. I suspect if we check in on them again in another week's time, that will still be the case. 

ABC 7 interviewed some people going in and out of the Best Buy about what they thought about the line-waiting, and got responses like "I think it's kind of crazy."

Incorrect, it is totally crazy.

Torres and Alva said they are hoping to get a 50" hi-def TV for $199.


"We're just here to get our stuff and that's it." (Via ABC)

ABC reports that Alva's husband also hangs out there, if for some reason neither of the ladies can be there.

"The point is to get the sales, because everybody is on a fixed income and we don't have that kind of money to splurge," Alva's husband said to justify this ridiculousness.

Listen, dude, I get it. Money is tight for a lot of people right now, but you have your wife set up like a glorified paperweight, pimped out into virtual homelessness, so you can get a TV. 

I went over to Best Buy and priced those out to see how much of a deal these folks were hoping to get. 50" TVs (they are almost all hi-def now) come in at around $600 (some more, some less), so they're looking to save $400. They're giving up three weeks of their time, round the clock, to save $400. 

Beyond the lunacy of waiting way too early and exposing themselves to the elements, the math just isn't there. 

Or, maybe I've missed the whole point, and sleeping indoors is just not worth it unless a giant screen TV is there.

(by Myka Fox)

Public displays of disaffection.


M.C. Escher

Arrested development.

Psychotic woman offers terrible fashion makeover.

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Saving people from themselves.

Meet Bez, a fashionista with dubious credentials. According to her she's been given the gift of superior taste, and is using that gift to help others. Watch her take on her first (extremely difficult) challenge, Alison:


(Directed by Anya Garrett)

Easy choice.

It's not fall until you take your first #scarfie.

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Ugh, so cozy. (via huffpoststyle)

If you want to be taken seriously by the girls who love autumn (in the Venn Diagram of girls, these are the ones who love Pumpkin Spice Lattes AND crisp November days), you'd better get your ass over to Instagram and post a #scarfie. 

A scarfie is, according to HuffPo, "a picture that you take of yourself with the warm-weather accessory as the focus." (Do they mean "cold-weather accessory" or have we all been wearing scarves wrong???) This is not to be confused with a scar-fie, which is a selfie you take of your grossest scar; a scarf-ie, which is a selfie you take of yourself eating really fast; or a butt selfie, which is a selfie of your butt.


(via)

The #scarfie is the ultimate fall social media accessory, so get out there and take some #scarfies, ladies! Or are you some kind of summer person, ya big weirdo? 


(via)

I took my first #scarfie! Check it out:


zomg i love fall! #scarfie #amidoingthisright #innerbeauty

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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