Thanks for trying to explain why iced coffee is more expensive.
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The only thing more absurd than the plot of Sharknado is everything that actually happens in Florida.
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Your habit of drinking hot coffee during the heat wave has us worried you're trying to kill yourself.
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I couldn't help noticing what a great tan and strong likelihood of skin cancer you have.
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Best of luck being able to apply suntan lotion without masturbating.
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Sorry this heat wave is making you look like Nick Nolte's mugshot.
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I hope you find time on your summer vacation to take breaks from posting photos of your summer vacation.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 17, 2013
Who's crapping themselves? (Besides you.) Who are Republicans screwing over now? (Possibly you.) Who did well in the all-star game last night? (You, if you're Mariano Rivera!) Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today!
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Way to cut down on your hard alcohol consumption by switching to ungodly quantities of beer and wine.
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You don't need to be a royal fetus for me to be excited about your birthday.
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I'm sorry your air conditioning has been turned on more often this summer than you have.
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Happy birthday to someone old enough to have an excuse for not understanding most BuzzFeed lists.
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I've finally sworn off swearing off alcohol.
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Searching Pinterest for fun activities to do with my kids is a great way to avoid spending time with my kids.
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Hope you've been enjoying the pleasant summer weather on your daily walks of shame.
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Happy birthday to someone who lives just far enough away that I don't need an excuse for not attending the party.
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40th Birthday: I can't thank you enough for turning 40 before I do.
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I'm so glad the other people you're sleeping with weren't available tonight.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 18, 2013
What sinister shenanigans are the Cheneys plotting? Who's this conservative man-child pissing off? What's so fancy about this new KFC? Chill out and stop asking questions! Just go read 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.
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If you're wondering, I definitely consider us close enough for you to get me a birthday gift.
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