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Thanks for trying to explain why iced coffee is more expensive.


The only thing more absurd than the plot of Sharknado is everything that actually happens in Florida.

Your habit of drinking hot coffee during the heat wave has us worried you're trying to kill yourself.

I couldn't help noticing what a great tan and strong likelihood of skin cancer you have.

Best of luck being able to apply suntan lotion without masturbating.

Sorry this heat wave is making you look like Nick Nolte's mugshot.

I hope you find time on your summer vacation to take breaks from posting photos of your summer vacation.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 17, 2013

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Who's crapping themselves? (Besides you.) Who are Republicans screwing over now? (Possibly you.) Who did well in the all-star game last night? (You, if you're Mariano Rivera!) Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today!

Read news stuff >>


Way to cut down on your hard alcohol consumption by switching to ungodly quantities of beer and wine.

You don't need to be a royal fetus for me to be excited about your birthday.

I'm sorry your air conditioning has been turned on more often this summer than you have.

Happy birthday to someone old enough to have an excuse for not understanding most BuzzFeed lists.

I've finally sworn off swearing off alcohol.

Searching Pinterest for fun activities to do with my kids is a great way to avoid spending time with my kids.

Hope you've been enjoying the pleasant summer weather on your daily walks of shame.


Happy birthday to someone who lives just far enough away that I don't need an excuse for not attending the party.

40th Birthday: I can't thank you enough for turning 40 before I do.

I'm so glad the other people you're sleeping with weren't available tonight.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 18, 2013

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What sinister shenanigans are the Cheneys plotting? Who's this conservative man-child pissing off? What's so fancy about this new KFC? Chill out and stop asking questions! Just go read 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

Do it now >>

If you're wondering, I definitely consider us close enough for you to get me a birthday gift.

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