Couple doing it in their car in front of jail causes traffic jam.

November 20, 2014, 11:25 am

Getting their jailhouse rocks off. (Via KVAL)

Kelli M. Knutson, 24, and Logan P. Jackson, 33, were arrested for causing a traffic jam while having sex in their car outside of jail.

Apparently, no one had ever seen two people naked and sharing an intimate moment before. Or, maybe the couple attracted so many looky-loos because their car, while right in front of a jail, was also was parked across the street from the Brick House strip club, and the people of Springfield were thankful to see some action for free without the pressure of coming up with one dollar bills.

The club, incidentally, was what got Kelli and Logan so fired up to begin with.

Sgt. Rich Charboneau told KVAL that the couple "left the strip club, walked across the street, got into their parked car and started having sex."

Their urgency to copulate is probably why they failed to notice that they were parked right outside a jail, and why they also failed to notice that cars were slowing down to watch them get it on.

At least one onlooker was not enjoying the show, and prevailed upon himself to call the cops. Police didn't have far to go to break up the event.

“We'd normally tell them to go someplace that's safer than a parking lot, or wherever we might find them," he said. "In this case, we had traffic being slowed down, we had someone complaining about it, so we had to take action.”

Both Miss Knutson and Mr. Jackson were arrested on charges of Indecent Exposure and Disorderly Conduct II.

The couple claimed they were "too caught up in the moment" to realize they had built up an audience, but it is my suspicion that they were into the voyeurism. The Brick House strip club is known for it's "fetish nights."

Who will watch the watchers? (Via KVAL)

(by Myka Fox)

↧

Hot air.

November 20, 2014, 11:33 am

≫ Next: Golden Retriever totally sucks at the part of dog show where you're not supposed to be distracted by toys and food.

≪ Previous: Couple doing it in their car in front of jail causes traffic jam.

↧

Golden Retriever totally sucks at the part of dog show where you're not supposed to be distracted by toys and food.

November 20, 2014, 11:38 am

≫ Next: This reporter took a flying skateboard to the head while filming in Los Angeles.

≪ Previous: Hot air.

Don't those other dogs know there are treats everywhere???

On the one hand, this Golden Retriever seriously bombed the obedience portion of this dog show. On the other hand, he just got so many free treats! You can't eat your owner saying "good boy," am I right?

Actually, I guess you could eat your owner, but then you're definitely not winning a trophy.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

↧

This reporter took a flying skateboard to the head while filming in Los Angeles.

November 20, 2014, 12:10 pm

≫ Next: This ferret can fail at jumping as well as any cat.

≪ Previous: Golden Retriever totally sucks at the part of dog show where you're not supposed to be distracted by toys and food.

This just in: reporter gets beaned!

Mike Amor must have thought he was in for a pretty cushy assignment while reporting from a skatepark in Los Angeles. Instead, he wound up starring in an international fail video.

Amor is the the "U.S. Bureau Chief" for Australia's Seven network. He appeared to be wrapping up what must have been an incredibly important story, when one kid decided it might be rad to interrupt Mike's live broadcast with some breaking news in the form of a flying skateboard to the noggin.

At first, it looks like a funny accident where a kid wiped out and his board went flying. But when you watch it a couple of times, it appears that the board may have been thrown from the bowl. Which makes it possibly criminal. It also makes it way funnier.

If nothing else, Seven network's Bureau Chief had a considerably more interesting story to file.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

↧

This ferret can fail at jumping as well as any cat.

November 20, 2014, 12:28 pm

≫ Next: A whole bunch of people tricked Wal-Mart into selling them a PS4 for $90.

≪ Previous: This reporter took a flying skateboard to the head while filming in Los Angeles.

"I think I can't. I think I can't."

When you think of trying to jump from one thing onto another thing and failing spectacularly, you probably think of cats. And that makes sense, because the cats of the Internet have really elevated failing at jumping to an art form in recent years.

Well, this little ferret here might not be a cat, but he's got some cat-level dreams. All he wants out of life is to unsuccessfully jump from a table onto the window ledge and land on the Internet. I hope he makes it:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

↧

A whole bunch of people tricked Wal-Mart into selling them a PS4 for $90.

November 20, 2014, 12:30 pm

≫ Next: Cheap shot.

≪ Previous: This ferret can fail at jumping as well as any cat.

Lowest prices, guaranteed. (Via Getty Images)

In a world where Wal-Mart is dragging down the cost of retail labor, avoiding taxes by funneling money overseas, and running their trucks into our beloved comedians, finally: a win for the little guy.

Wal-Mart has famously offered price-matching to anyone who brings proof of a competitor's lower price, and on Nov 13th they expanded that offer to certain online retailers, including Amazon.com.

Their policy states, "We're committed to providing low prices every day, on everything. So if you find a current lower online price from an online retailer on an identical, in-stock product, tell us and we'll match it."

Now, some very clever people have managed to take advantage of that offer by becoming that lower-priced online competitor. NBC News reports that sellers registered with Amazon have been creating legitimate-looking seller pages by offering the regularly priced $399 PS4 game console at $90, and then showing the cashier a screen shot of their site.

Evidence of this scam working exist all over Twitter in the form of successful Wal-Mart receipts.

#WalMart tricked into selling $400 #PlayStation4 consoles for just $90 http://t.co/HFZ4vDKpSG #news pic.twitter.com/PTmQu5vaN5
— The_News_DIVA (@The_News_DIVA) November 20, 2014

It makes me wonder why they don't just sell it at $5. Maybe they're afraid that's just too low and will draw too much attention, but for a company who has used every possible loophole to avoid paying taxes, it seems only fair that their customers would use every possible loophole to get their merchandise on the cheap. You reap what you sow, ya know?

Hurry up and take advantage of this before they catch on and change the policy, because despite this request, this secret has already been "snitched."

Stop snitching RT @Kotaku: People are scamming Walmart into selling them PS4s at $50-$90: http://t.co/wSis4qKDqY pic.twitter.com/MRKnbOGhtT
— netw3rk (@netw3rk) November 19, 2014

UPDATE: Too late, it's over. Wal-Mart is on to everyone's scams and the only fraud they'll tolerate is their own. I said good day, sir!

(by Myka Fox)

↧

Cheap shot.

November 20, 2014, 12:32 pm

≫ Next: Cold shoulder.

≪ Previous: A whole bunch of people tricked Wal-Mart into selling them a PS4 for $90.

↧

Cold shoulder.

November 20, 2014, 12:45 pm

≫ Next: Snood

≪ Previous: Cheap shot.

↧

Snood

November 20, 2014, 9:30 pm

≫ Next: I don't remember dating ever being this uncomplicated.

≪ Previous: Cold shoulder.

↧

I don't remember dating ever being this uncomplicated.

November 20, 2014, 1:23 pm

≫ Next: Uber-gross.

≪ Previous: Snood

Baily, you have no idea how good you have it. (Via Imgur)
(click image to enlarge)

Bennet,

Will you please write me a letter like this? Let's get to know each other. I think you are honest and forthcoming like George Washington or an episode of the Gilmore Girls, I'm not sure which. I love cheeses and if Baily is lactose intolerant, I would like to eat them with you. I appreciate your open admiration and I bet you look cute without your tooth. The last magic trick a guy did for me was to make his texts disappear. Do you like ghosting? How many robots?

Love,

Myka

↧

Uber-gross.

November 20, 2014, 1:36 pm

≫ Next: This is what it would feel like to ride the world's tallest roller coaster if you were crazy enough to do that.

≪ Previous: I don't remember dating ever being this uncomplicated.

↧

This is what it would feel like to ride the world's tallest roller coaster if you were crazy enough to do that.

November 20, 2014, 1:39 pm

≫ Next: A high school girl's football team claim they didn't realize they were wearing blackface.

≪ Previous: Uber-gross.

Nope.

Let's imagine for a moment that you and I paid money for a ride on The Skyscraper, Orlando's Skyplex's planned attraction, which will be the tallest roller coaster in the world. Now, I know that's crazy. We wouldn't do that, because that's something that crazy people do, but let's just pretend for a moment.

If, theoretically, we were crazy people who willingly subjected ourselves to the gut-liquifying horrors of a 535-foot-tall thrill ride, this computer-generated video gives a pretty good idea of what we would experience:

I cannot express how much I would never go on this thing. I don't think I can even travel to Orlando as long as that thing is there.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

↧

A high school girl's football team claim they didn't realize they were wearing blackface.

November 20, 2014, 1:52 pm

≫ Next: Woman spends all day feeling boners poke at her lower back.

≪ Previous: This is what it would feel like to ride the world's tallest roller coaster if you were crazy enough to do that.

Hey, girl in grey pants: you're not matching.
(via The Riverfront Times)

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm a little exhausted by suburban teenagers not realizing blackface is a bad idea. This story is unique, however, because of the true depth of their ignorance (or the ignorance they are wisely now feigning). It's one thing to be dumb enough that you think wearing blackface is funny, but one Powderpuff girls' football team at Sullivan High School near St. Louis are sticking to the story that they didn't even realize they were wearing blackface when they painted their faces black. And apparently, everyone who was witness to this event completely agrees that the girls were 100% not aware of any kind of local, historical, political, or racial associations or implications or anything at all, really, when they came onto the field. This football team is running the stupid defense and running it hard.

Don't misunderstand, at first, people were shocked. School principal Jennifer Schmidt told the Riverfront Times that her first reaction was "Oh my gosh." Shocked. Fortunately, she was able to see past the twelve white girls in full black makeup to see what was really going on: fun.

"And then I thought, 'Oh, they don't mean anything by it. Just let it go. No one thinks anything of it.' I didn't think anyone did. Evidently, someone did."

Whether or not Schmidt personally thought something of it, I'm shocked that she's a principal who passed up an opportunity to give 12 senior girls detention. Oh yeah, did I mention they were all seniors? As in, should be old enough now to know better? They were playing the freshmen in an intramural game, which is what led them to take this picture with a bloody freshman jersey.

You set out to be a Senior class people remembered. You succeeded.
(via The Riverfront Times)

According to Schmidt, here's what happened: most years, the girls paint their faces black and gold (the school colors). This year, when they all showed up to the game, they discovered that no one had brought any gold. "So that's what they wore. There was nothing racial about it. They didn't have any other intention other than to just try to intimidate the underclassmen" with their black faces. OK. So you're saying you were responsible for the education of a group of 17 to 18-year-olds who failed to realize any problems that might come with wearing full black facepaint? I just want to make sure you realize you educated them to this point.

"I can assure you they will not be wearing black face paint again," Schmidt assures everyone. "In fact, we're probably just going to end the face-paint thing, and nobody wears any at all."

The game is organized every year as a sort of fundraiser for the school, and each grade fields a team while the boys' varsity team referees the games. Next year, the girls plan to forgo the makeup tradition. Apparently, incorporating gold so it stops being blackface is too risky.

Since it's a fundraiser, though, may I recommend using the proceeds to bring back social studies? Civics? History? What about AP Not Getting Your Blackface Photo Circulated On The Internet? Just a thought! Maybe you wouldn't have to ban face-painting if your students, who live 60 miles from Ferguson, had any clue why they shouldn't do that.

I'm not talking to anyone, am I?

(by Johnny McNulty)

↧

Woman spends all day feeling boners poke at her lower back.

November 20, 2014, 2:50 pm

≫ Next: Here's scrapple-flavored beer, for when regular breakfast beer isn't gross enough.

≪ Previous: A high school girl's football team claim they didn't realize they were wearing blackface.

For when you just want what comes between the orgasm and the sandwich.
(Via Cuddleuptome)

Can't get anyone to touch you for free and aren't ready to make the leap to "person who pays for sex?" A woman named Samantha Hess has the perfect intermediate step for you: paid cuddling.

Just hop on a flight to Portland, Oregon and give her $60. In return, she'll be happy to abandon her hobby of "writing chalk affirmations in Laurelhurst Park" to give you an hour of touch so you don't die of skin hunger like an abandoned baby.

Sure, you could probably get a professional massage for that much money where you already live, but they won't pretend to love and care about you like Miss Hess.

Are you dry-heaving into your Rachel Ray trash bowl? Maybe I'm not selling this right. Here's Hess's pitch from her website cuddleuptome.com (not kidding real website please drink some water if you are still dry heaving):

"My name is Sam, and I am a professional cuddler. If you could use some one-on-one cuddle time without the complications that life normally brings us, then I am your girl. Let’s hold hands and cuddle up on the couch, or listen to some soft music while we curl up in your bed—I am happy to be the big spoon or the little spoon. My purpose is to make you feel comfortable, loved, and appreciated."

You wont BE comfortable, loved, and appreciated, but she will make you FEEL like that is the case. Close enough, right? After all, earning appreciation is hard. You have to be nice to people! But not to Hess. With her, its cuddling, and then you get to be left the eff alone. Just like you like it! After all, you don't pay them to cuddle, you pay them to leave.

I guess you could always get one of those free hugs you see advertised by hippies in parks, but who knows their ulterior motives?? With Hess, you know it's always about the money and/or making you feel loved. Or something. Has anyone done a background check on her?

ANYWAY...

If you're interested, you better hurry up and book with her before she lets someone else take her up on her patented hair-stroking maneuvers. As reported by the Independent, "This business has taken off," and she has gotten "as many as 10,000 emails in a week."

In fact, her website is so flushed with people who need a squeeze that half the time I got an error message on her page that claimed it was "out of memory." But I bet she will never forget you, dear customer, and the cuddles you share together. "Talking optional."

She claims this isn't an adult service, but if you pop a hard one, she's probably too nice to mention it.

(by Myka Fox)

↧

Here's scrapple-flavored beer, for when regular breakfast beer isn't gross enough.

November 20, 2014, 3:57 pm

≫ Next: The Internet is jazzed about possibly the best Key & Peele sketch yet.

≪ Previous: Woman spends all day feeling boners poke at her lower back.

If only there were some way to eat this congealed meat product in liquid form.

If you're the kind of person who's okay with the general concept of a "breakfast beer," then you might be part of a self-selecting group of people who will not throw up when I tell you that the Dogfish Head brewing company in Delaware is going to release a scrapple-flavored beer for your a.m. drinking pleasure.

If you're not down with "breakfast beer" and you didn't throw up just now, you might be part of a different group of people who aren't familiar with scrapple, or who maybe misread that as "apple" or even "Snapple." No, no, no. It's nothing like that. It's something way worse.

I'm going to quote Wikipedia, because there's no way I could make it sound any less repulsive: scrapple is "a mush of pork scraps and trimmings combined with cornmeal and wheat flour... The mush is formed into a semi-solid congealed loaf, and slices of the scrapple are then pan-fried before serving." See, that almost made it sound palatable. This is a Pennsylvania Dutch thing, so if you're not from the Mid-Atlantic states, you likely have to have had your breakfast plates unmolested by this monster until now.

Delicious beer meat.

But now, Dogfish Head's founder Sam Calagione has decided to smash it into a beer mug. But don't worry, he's using the good stuff. "25 pounds of a super-lean version of Rapa Scrapple’s famous recipe" to be exact. Mmmmmmmmmmm!

"Sam’s vision of translating the distinctive taste of Rapa scrapple into a beer was a unique proposition," explained Donna Seefriend from Rapa. "...it was decided that a super-lean version of our original recipe would balance nicely with the other ingredients. The end result is a remarkable beer that manages to bring together all the flavors of the quintessential American breakfast."

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

↧

The Internet is jazzed about possibly the best Key & Peele sketch yet.

November 20, 2014, 4:00 pm

≫ Next: 'When a Cat Loves a Bulldog' is the saddest rom-com in years.

≪ Previous: Here's scrapple-flavored beer, for when regular breakfast beer isn't gross enough.

Key & Peele's director Peter Atencio took to his blog today to explain why he thinks their recent sketch "Aerobics Meltdown" is their best sketch yet, and I'm inclined to agree. I don't want to give anything away about the plot, but in Atencio's words, there is a "darkness and scope" to it. "It's funny and emotional and disturbing," he wrote about the script, written by Rebecca Drysdale, "and very, very unlike anything you'd see on any other show. That's why it's my favorite sketch."

As Splitsider pointed out, the bizarre live 80's jazztravaganza that this sketch is set against is almost definitely inspired by the Crystal Light National Aerobic Championships, hosted by Alan Thicke, the existence of which is almost as insane as "Aerobics Meltdown."

(by Johnny McNulty)

↧

'When a Cat Loves a Bulldog' is the saddest rom-com in years.

November 20, 2014, 4:47 pm

≫ Next: Middle school student sent to principal's office after refusing to get weighed in front of her classmates.

≪ Previous: The Internet is jazzed about possibly the best Key & Peele sketch yet.

This movie is rated 'R' for prolonged nudity.

If you're a fan of sadly romantic arthouse movies and have 1 minute, 57 seconds to kill, then When a Cat Loves a Bulldog is the movie for you. It's the story of Frankie the cat, hopelessly in love with Sadie the bulldog, who is so focused on napping she barely even acknowledges his existence. Frankie nuzzles and paws to get Sadie's attention, only to have his heart repeatedly ripped open like a 50-cent chew toy.

It's a sad tale of reckless, interspecies passion. But it's also a story about faith, hope, and love in the face of indifference. But mostly it's about sleeping.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

↧

Middle school student sent to principal's office after refusing to get weighed in front of her classmates.

November 20, 2014, 4:49 pm

≫ Next: The same mold.

≪ Previous: 'When a Cat Loves a Bulldog' is the saddest rom-com in years.

Junior high revolutionary. (screengrab via Des Moines Register)

When her junior high class was told to line up to have their height and weight taken a few weeks ago, student Ireland Hobert-Hoch objected. Ireland told the Des Moines Register she felt like it was none of the school's business.

"I feel like it's my doctor and my mom and my own business. Or maybe not even my own, because I don't need to know that right now," she said. Ireland's mother Heather Hobert-Hoch has discouraged Ireland from weighing herself because she knows how easy it is for adolescent girls to become obsessed with the number on the scale.

Eventually, Ireland's refusal to step on the scale "in front of everybody" led to her being sent to Principal Mike Daily's office, which wasn't something this straight-A student was used to. Daily tells HuffPo Ireland wasn't reprimanded for not wanting to have her weight taken. It was her argument with a teacher that got her in trouble. He says at their next meeting the school board will discuss whether to continue weighing students.

The students in Ireland's class were being weighed as part of the FitnessGram program, which—among other tests of fitness—calculates students' BMIs and sends the results home to their families. Here's the breakdown of what a FitnessGram includes:

(screengrab via Fitnessgram.net)

Daily says the weighing component has been going on for as long as he's been at the school. That's surprising, because surely at some point, a teacher or administrator must have internally rebelled at the idea of lining up a bunch of junior high school girls and having them weighed. Is that really the best way to teach young women about staying fit? Can't you force them to run hurdles or play volleyball, like when I was a kid? (Or, you know, something that might actually make them enjoy exercise?)

Ireland, for one, is glad she stood up and said something when she felt the school was doing something wrong: "Now other kids won't have to feel uncomfortable."

(by Shira Rachel Danan)