A true hero of the Internet age.

Have you seen this amazing documentary footage that Saturday Day Night Live has somehow managed to unearth? It appears to show the immediate aftermath of a New York City woman's 10,000th Twitter posting. Managing to rack up 10,000 tweets seems crazy enough, but what happens right after she hits send is mind blowing. I don't want to give too much away because you should probably form your own opinions about this, but let's just say that there are definite metaphysical ramifications:

I don't know why Lorne Michaels decided against airing this footage on Saturday's show and quietly released it on the Internet instead. I'm assuming he received some pressure from Big Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Also, I wonder if God was excited to meet Ed Norton.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Aaaand back to the toy store.

If a pink toy fairy happens to land near you, you should try to contact the two Korean girls in this video, because they're probably still trying to find it. Although, it may not be coming down anytime soon. If ever. The little girls handle the loss incredibly well, especially since they lost what appears to be the greatest flying toy fairy ever made. The YouTube description, translated from Korean, says "Chinese-made toys fairy flew away." China's space program may still lag behind those of the United States and Russia, but it looks like their flying toy fairy program is second-to-none.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Yum school lunches #thanksmichelleobamapic.twitter.com/eS27j75Oae
— Jess Sency (@Jess_Sency) November 18, 2014

Kids today, man.

They have the amazing ability to effect social change by harnessing the power of social media, and they go and do something troll-y like this. A whole bunch of kids are tweeting photos of their gross-looking school lunches with the hashtag #thanksmichelleobama.

BHS be like "fresh fruit" #ThanksMichelleObamapic.twitter.com/zRFN3AsoTB
— Lindsey Stout (@Lindsey_Stout) September 15, 2014

Yum school lunch part 2 #ThanksMichelleObamapic.twitter.com/y8qY680qwR
— Jess Sency (@Jess_Sency) November 21, 2014

#ThanksMichelleObamapic.twitter.com/nhTISuIwkc
— Jacob Ferguson (@hashtagfergie) September 8, 2014

Call this Mac and cheese? #thanksMichelleObamapic.twitter.com/ti3FBhCYeZ
— David★Suderback (@iWikeWice) April 24, 2014

Had a very #healthylunch today. The apple definitely made up for the "mystery mush" #ThanksMichelleObamapic.twitter.com/RWCnQRCxJK
— Hunter Whitney (@huntwhitney4) November 13, 2014

Ugh. I'm filled with the rage of ten-thousand 10th grade social studies teachers. Come on, guys! Yes, Michelle Obama pushed for the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act—better nutrition is the worst when you're 15, right?—but you can hardly blame her for the crappy food your school cafeteria serves.

First of all, school lunch has been disgusting since way before 2014. Please watch any high school movie ever for proof. Second of all, participating in the National School Lunch Program is voluntary, so your school might not even be doing it. Lastly, I really don't think the mac and cheese at your school is gelatinous because it's somehow been made more healthy.

In conclusion, pull on your big kid pants and make yourself a sandwich.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

The dangers of fourth meal. (Via Daytona Beach News Journal)

Drunken, blue haired Gabriel Harris just wanted to get some snacks for himself and his lady at a New Smyrna Beach, Florida Taco Bell, and ended up getting himself arrested.

He went through the drive -thru on his bike, which I guess is a no-no, but he didn't have any option because the restaurant had already closed for the night at 3am. Harris got there at 3:10am. According to the Daytona Beach News Journal, Harris and his woman friend Sarah Haliburton prevailed upon the staff to serve him anyway, but were refused due to a lack of automated vehicles.

Maybe it was a safety issue, but certainly if they can serve a hot sauce that can clean the tarnish off a penny, they can serve a drunk dude and his drunk girlfriend some food to help them sober up enough to realize they're desperate for Taco Bell.

Harris refused to leave the drive-thru, so the police were called, but they didn't charge either bicyclist with anything until one officer noticed a swiss army knife hanging off Harris's belt loop. The cop reached for the knife, Harris grabbed the officer's wrist, and the next thing Harris knew he was on the ground, cuffed, with a gash on his forehead.

Harris was arrested on a charge of resisting an officer with violence, and posed for what I think every mugshot should look like.

Maybe live a little less mas.

(by Myka Fox)

Translation: I WANT TO TAKE SEX ED WITH YOU.

Sexting. Everyone does it, more or less (if "wanna have sex later?" counts, then consider me a pro). But one major problem with it is all the typing and words. Most people are not romance novelists, and unless you can really work a phrase like "turgid man-wand" or "quivering love carpet" into an SMS, there's really no point to using letters at all. Enter (gently) Flirtmoji, which is not the first, but probably the best NSFW, sex-positive, very explicit (yet also funny) emoji set designed especially with the extremely horny texter in mind. Never again struggle with how to tell your loved one you would like to engage in some light bondage before watching some girl-on-girl porn and then moving to the bedroom to do it like they do on the Discovery channel. Now you can use Flirtmoji, the artsy alternative to grunting and pointing at your partner's crotch.

Bunny time is now what I will call it.

So far, I've soft pedaled the NSFW aspect of this, in case some squeamish folks opened up this article without assuming it would contain exactly what the headline advertised. Flirtmojis are super NSFW. Like, "you're going to learn some stuff you didn't know about before" NSFW. Ready? Here goes (most of these are the free ones, Flirtmoji sells many other sets on their site):

I see someone met Jenny and got her number.

TheVerge recently interviewed one of Flirtmoji's creators, graphic designer and artist Katy McCarthy, and they discussed the process of coming up with such a positive, diverse set of emoji that seems to include any kind of getting-it-on you can think of (except with body hair, which they want to add in later updates, but is kind of hard to depict on a small scale). Said McCarthy:

"We wanted to be able to show this to all of our friends and have them all feel comfortable. We wanted them to be able pick their own body parts in the Emoji — within the limits of size and colors. So we invited a ton of people to come look at them and to provide feedback. We wanted them to tear it apart, or say "yes, this is good and I feel safe." It's not supposed to be college frat humor, although part of being inclusive is making it funny. It's just not that hard to have everybody feel represented."

I keep looking at that t-bone steak. Suddenly everything else is just a distraction.

The Verge also noted that when shown to female associates, it was immediately assumed that a woman helped create them, because "men don't draw breasts that way." Which was not something I was aware of, but having just doodled what now appear to be a set of balloons tied to someone's hips, I guess they are right.

This is just the "buy" icon on their site...but I think I just found my fetish.

For obvious reasons, you can't buy these in the iTunes app store. Head to Flirtmoji to copy them directly to your phone (and sign up to have more emailed to you), and check out the Verge interview to read more about the creation of these super-explicit, yet wordless, sext toys.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This is what an actor looks like when he's being honest with you.

Norwegian bank Nordnet sounds like an evil empire from a comic book, but it is actually just a bank that is trying to claim transparency by being honest in their advertising.

From their use of actors instead of real bankers, to their play-by-play of how bank commericals are generally constructed, Nordnet is trying to show that they aren't afriad to disclose certain bleak realities of the banking industry.

This may just be my liberal bias speaking (I prefer to think of it as non-rich-banking-industry-person bias), but this seems to be more of a disclosure of the realities of the advertising industry than any bank. Show me a video of Nordnet's CEO's spending the money they made off of their client's money, and I'll show you some transparency. And yachts. Probably also some yachts.

(by Myka Fox)

This ferret is over it.

A couple of months ago it was all about Dramatic Cat. Then there was Dramatic Chicken, who captured the Internet's heart with a sneeze a while back. Today, the Internet fell in love with Dramatic Ferret, who is so tired he collapses into his owner's lap with a trust fall so theatrical it looks like he's acting out a death scene from American Sniper.

I don't know for certain if this ferret actually has a flair for the dramatic, it's just that Dramatic Ferret has a better ring to it than Sleepy Ferret, Drunk Ferret, or Ferret Hit By A Sniper's Bullet.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Russian from the scene.

Thanks to the ballooning popularity of dash cams, there are a lot of hit and run car crash videos floating around the Internet. But rarely do you see video of an actual hit and run. As in, the driver responsible for the crash jumping out of his car and hauling ass. Because the clip is from Russia, and looks so much like a low-budget action movie, when the driver hops out and flees, you can't help but suspect it's part of some crazy viral marketing campaign to promote airbag safety or Russian sneakers. But then the cops show up and you realize that the guy had a perfectly legitimate reason for not sticking around.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

What if his music was as smooth as his style?

Van Halen's 1978 classic anthem "Runnin' with the Devil" is undoubtedly one of the greatest rock songs in modern music history. It rocks hard. Actually, one might even say it rocks too hard for everyday listening. Ask any musicologists you know, and they'll tell you that the human ear was not designed to deal with that level of hard-rockingness on a daily basis.

So, L.A. based musician Andy Rehfeldt has done humanity a great service by using these naked vocals from the Van Halen scorcher to create this smooth jazz version of the song for days when you just can't handle all the firepower Eddie and Diamond Dave have to give:

If you're feeling a little weird about betraying your hard rock roots with this alt version of the song, bear in mind that the original was actually produced by smooth groove master Ted Templeman, as was dramatized in this episode of Yacht Rock:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

What secrets do you hold, GoPro?

Behold the story of a plucky little GoPro camera that fell overboard during a fateful kayak trip and was forced to fight for survival in the harsh new world of a raging river. Will it ever make its way back to the surface and into a videographer's hands again, or will it spend the remainder of its days lodged between two rocks? There's only one way to find out. Watch and see:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"Run! There's a microscopic dog!"

The thing about little dogs is that the smaller they are, the less aware they are of how small they are. So, if this South African burglar had the good fortune of trying to break into a home that was guarded by a large dog—like the ones with which I happen to live—he probably would have gotten in and out no problem while the dogs cowered in the bathroom.

Unluckily for him, he ran up against an itsy bitsy little Yorkshire Terrier that probably thinks it's the size of a bull moose. If that thing had gotten ahold of him, it would certainly have mauled his ankles into oblivion:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A man is telling you that you should read this book.
(all images via Awful Library Books)

In this crazy, topsy-turvy world in which everything that we could possibly ever want to learn about is delivered right into our iTelephones, libraries may seem a bit outmoded. However, they still have a lot to offer young people hungry for knowledge. Just take a stroll through your local library's aisles, and you're sure to find a few hidden literary treasures.

For example, did you know that the best way for you to harness your inner womanliness is to defer all judgement to the penis-havers in your life? Seems counterintuitive, but that's what you'll learn if you check out Always Ask a Man: The Key to Femininity by Arlene Dahl. Plus, you'll get the scoop on Sophia Loren's 7-day diet, which I'm assuming she learned about from Marcello Mastroianni.

Have you always been curious about the mail correspondences of superstar actor Burt Reynolds, while also harboring a healthy curiosity about the curvature of his hind quarters? Of course you have! Hasn't everybody? That's why it's amazing that Burt Reynolds Hotline: The Letters I Get…and Write! isn't still in print today. Something truly is wrong with the publishing industry.

Probably the most difficult thing that a parent ever has to do is explain to a child why she's being sent off to bathe in a pool of cow's blood on a moonswept hillside. But you don't have to do it alone. LetDon't Make Me Go Back, Mommy: A Child's Book About Satanic Ritual Abusedo the heavy lifting for you. The Dark Lord Satan gave it to us for a reason.

Who do you want to play the leads in the film adaptation of Men Who Knit and the Dogs Who Love Them when Hollywood finally gets around to making it? I kind of feel like this would be a good follow-up project for Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson after the amazing work they did on True Detective. But I still don't know who they should get to play the men.

Many, many more awful, awful books can be found on the Awful Library Books website.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

They should get this dog to star in a remake of The Shining.

Andrew Himelson threw down the gauntlet for his dog Ginzey (they call him Gene) to make his way through a homemade snow maze. He gives the pup a stern recitation of the rules, "You have a minute to go see Cody. If you find him, you get a treat. If you don't, you're lost forever in the maze."

Gene managed his way around pretty easily. No word on whether Cody made it out of the maze alive.

(by Myka Fox)

My how you've grown.

After the success of last year's "(Do It On My) Twin Bed," SNL's "Yr Girls" made a return appearance this weekend with another hit for the going-home-to-mom-and-dad set. "Back Home Ballers" has everything: naps, bowls, Jean. It's the jam for hanging out in the place where you came from.

Here's last year's way sexy edition:

Surprised they were able to get Jean again. She blew up with her solo mixtapes after she featured on last year's track.

(by Bob Powers)

They know you were parked outside. Somewhere up in heaven, they know. (via)

Sometimes "TMI" can stand for "Too Much Immediacy." It's not that we don't want to be informed that a friend is masturbating / on the toilet / performing brain surgery / all of the above. We just worry that by trying to share it with us while in the moment, they're not savoring the moment as much as it can be savored. These Facebook users exemplify the growing spirit of real-time overshare, refusing to wait even five seconds before updating their status with the most private, unnecessary, and occasionally disgusting details of the life they're living right now.

At least you're not thinking about your dying family member anymore, right? (via)

He's willing to emit a lot of things, apparently.(via)

Dear ex-gf, someday you will look back on this and Like. (via)

"Lol Facebook lets you write whatever you want. Bad idea, Facebook!" (via)

Jeeze, it's the Internet. At least say "underwear." (via)

I'm gonna need an epidural to keep reading my timeline. (via)

Updated 9/29/2014:

If there was a Social Media Security administration, this person would not get a card.(via)

Flush the tampon, clog the toilet. Don't flush it, clog the puppy. Tough call. (via)

.

At least that fat will still want to hang with you in 18 years. (via)

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They're probably more bothered by you photographing your dashboard at 35mph. (via)

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Nintendo makes those codes long so you have 5 seconds to delete it when you accidentally tweet it to everyone. (via)

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I thought it was Uncle Dass' funeral for a second and I was slightly impressed. But this is the uncle Dass not dead. (via)

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Judge not, let ye be afflicted with mid-porno computer problems. (via)

Updated 9/29/14:

Proof...That I am a menace to all and need to have my license revoked. (Via)

We can't be there for you 24/7!(Via)

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#Keeper Loves #Oversharer 4Ever. (Via)

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Too hot to not commit vehicular manslaughter.(Via)

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Last known photo.(Via)

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Some random dude sold an ugly truck...and we all felt healed.(Via)

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Updated 8/26/14:

That's a famous person. Right there. Being rewarded. For this.

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Don't talk smack about a friend's ex until the restraining orders are finalized.

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A.) You still have time, get off Facebook. B.) She can see this, you illiterate dummy.

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I hope those five likes were worth it for this gross story full of *POP*!

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Mission: Literally Impossible

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Don't commit crimes. If you do, don't post them on Facebook. It's not hard.

Updated 7/23/14:

I'm glad you enjoy working out, I hear prison is good for that.

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Perfect mom font as well. So much craftier.

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Not too hot for Facebook, though. Never too hot to drive and Facebook.

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I think David's mom Whitney might have some helpful advice.

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Much like hemorrhoids, there is nothing to ease the pain of this post.

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Please, let me be the idiot in this situation and let this be fake.

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The stereotype that writers always wait until the last possible second is true.

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Updated 6/25/14:

Well, he got the hashtags right, but I don't think a snap PSA will get you off in court.

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This guy is both ignorant about sex and under-excited to be the next Joseph & Mary.

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I know it's really hard to get an anal bleaching appointment after work, but don't brag.

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C'mon, Lisa. Let us share the joy of laughing at Sean.

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Come down to Rickki's Brothel, we've got the best Local Business in town.

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I don't know what's worse, going 90mph to pick up a kid, or the word choice here.

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Updated 4/11/14:

Ironically, the person who realizes it shouldn't be on Facebook is also the most illiterate.

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lmaoo: "Laughing my ass off ohmigodIdidn'tseethatturn!"

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He/she totally did that.

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That's a very specific amount of screaming to promise.

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I don't approve of sharing people's sex tapes, but: I now know who Helene Fischer is.

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Updated 4/11/14:

"I don't get it, the shot clock still has 10 seconds...so, why do I hear a horn?"

Drunk driving because no one answered your call is a new passive-aggressive record.

Hard to say who is dumber, the guy who posted for "sinthetic" or the person who thought
it would be possible to reason with him.

What are you doing making a simple update? That's a Facebook Milestone right there.

Is it just me, or did no one call 911 before posting to Facebook?

I hope this isn't the prequel to the bagged lunch one two photos up.

Updated 3/13/14:

Probably made someone's heart rate go up, that's for sure.(via Failbook)

You're right about the second half of that. (via reddit)

I hope that other guy didn't Google that while driving.(via)

I'd say by not embarrassing him in front of everyone, but hey, what do I know? (via Lamebook)

I'm going to say "a.) Henry Clay and b.) all of them." (via)

Whoah, what do you think this is, LinkedIn?(via)

This kid is ready to work in cable news. (via)

Also, just a reminder that it usually sounds pretty stupid to describe your small problems as a disaster:

Your Facebook complaints are all that stands between civilization and buying Fascism.

Updated 2/6/14:

This may be the most literal update-at-an-inappropriate-moment we've ever had. (via reddit)

I don't think it's inte-meant to be with you two, buddy. (via Lamebook)

That big, blurred-out thing? That's a cadaver of someone who donated their body to science.
(via WHNT)

So, he's like one shade smarter than the guys from Dumb & Dumber. (via Lamebook)

Wow, he sounds like the kind of asshole who would take a selfie at a funeral. (via reddit)

Mike, you're not so good at this 21st Century thing. (via reddit)

Updated 1/13/14:

"I got this." - Completely accurate, totally not reassuring. (via reddit)

Certain people need to learn about this encryption technology called talking in person.(via)

It's a good thing admissions officers don't have Facebook.(via)

If this gets 50k likes, we'll get out of the car.(via)

We'll stay tuned for more updates. (via)

I guess you could say nothing and leave us ignorant of this behavior. (via)

Everything about this is a lie! I bet he's not even on break. (via Failbook)

She's so flustered she can't even spell masturbate. (via Lamebook)

Updated 12/04/13:

The prosecution would like to enter into evidence the following Facebook post...

Now everyone will know you are a real class act.

What did Man do before fleshlights and hot pockets?

Yeah, it'll definitely be less awkward right afterwards.

It's cool, they probably had to fart.

Updated 11/06/13:

This looks like a video game...that someone is about to lose.

Fun Fact: This was the first question ever asked, circa 90,000 BC

Live fast, live-update your death young.

You are on a phone on Facebook. I guess in your case, the issue is having no friends.

His grandson made him so awkward, he cringed too hard and it turned into rigor mortis.

I can't talk about it. The police think it might be the same person who poisoned grandpa.

This is the most literal instance of "update at an inappropriate moment" we've ever seen.

Invent a time machine, study home ec and sex ed, and never have a kid or buy bleach.

WOW! Wow, some old lady. Just wow. WOW. WOWOWOWOW.

Updated 10/1/13:

Something tells me this person tried to use that spoon to fix the toaster.

Movie...about illegal and dangerous driving...while driving...brain...*EXPLOSION*

Good, now you'll have time to Google "emergency" to see that you were in one.

I think she's not pregnant because she murdered her boyfriend in the shower.

It will be for you if I can figure out how to show this to your boss.

I assume the feeling you mean is "attention from concerned friends."

Sucks that having the sun in your eyes is the best time for selfies & the worst for driving.

Updated 9/04/13:

I don't always post to social media while driving, but when I do, the speed is 3 digits.

Life goes on, especially when there's colored icing.

Those emoticons are the same faces one of the Heathers made after drinking Drano.

Brainz fallin outa mah hed lol.

9-1-1 only takes typing three digits. This is like 4 tweets.

Better safe than sorry, she could be a ghost who can't rest until she gets 10k likes.

Updated 8/01/13:

Nor shall you, my friend. Nor shall you.

Your baby. Your baby is trying to drink with you.

Way to go, CasanofuckingwaywouldIeverletmydaughterdateyou.

The NSA does.

I tagged the sheriff, but I did not friend the deputy.

That fucktard is in your mirror, fucktard.

And to end a long career of being able to legally drive.

Updated 7/01/13:

Much like she has Faith in posting things on Facebook and saying "don't tell my husband."

If she dies, at least the guy who wrote "ut oh" will know they told her everything they needed.

No one from this high school passed sex ed. No one.

You should hear how funny he thought it was when his F'ing A fell O because he was L'ing.

OK cool, just letting everyone know. Back to playing "Plants vs Zombies."

Platinum beer comes with driving priviledges. It's the highest level of beer membership.

Updated 5/30/13:

"I can do much better tho" is probably true for everything this guy does.

Actually, there is definitely a bio test going on, but for anthrax.

Must...keep...looking...at...phone...for...safety...

See me after class, but remember that I can always see you on here 24/7.

Good God, people! What happened to blasting a music station you hate?

Updated 4/30/13

How did she text with wet nails (while driving)? She's a pro!

This is called Texting While Being In An Action Movie.

7 likes. 1 hehehe. People hate you, buddy.

Hopefully his work is as a tow truck driver so he can tow whomever he hits soon.

Are you crazy putting this on Facebook? Post this kind of stuff on LinkedIn.

Too much inappropriate to keep track of. But great blouse, mourner in the middle!

Updated 4/5/13:

Could you maybe just post a little more to explain what the hell you were doing?

Thumbs down, young lady. Thumbs down.

Not everyone has to make a big deal about their last words.

You're taking a photo of it all while driving? You'll interupt your Words With Friends game!

Facebook Marketplace doesn't sell any pails of soapy water. You're on your own.

Hope they post pics of the entire arrest and incarceration, including the pepper spraying.

Updated 3/5/13:

A.) That emoticon is offensively accurate. B.) The lady helping is in a wetsuit.

"Like this" as in seeing her kid go on Facebook during a funeral?

2 minutes later: lighting a pen full of petroleum-based ink on fire proved to be scarring!

Introducing the new LifeAlert: it calls 911, tweets and Facebooks any time you might die.

To be fair, the man seems equally uninterested in helping his aged wife get out of the car.

Didn't even properly tag them. That's disrespectful. Just a vague attention-grab.

The fact that they're too tired to take a decent photo is not reassuring, either.

Updated 1/29/13:

They see me rollin, they concerned / trying to catch me riding hands-free.

That's fair. But you are also checking Facebook at a funeral, so...

Ain't no status like a cowering-in-my-bathtub-avoiding-stray-bullets status.

Do you know how low your shirt was going? I mean how fast I was distracted? Carry on.

Great drunk-typing. It's amazing he can type and drunk-drive with only one major error.

Their son was diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder sixteen hours later.

Updated 11/30/12:

Put the phone down. You need both hands for that.

The photo gallery of her frantically downing some coffee was a nice touch though.

At least the truck will suffer minor damage getting rear-ended right after you hit send.

You can't put romance behind bars.

#scumbag

Completely idiotic physician, heal thyself!

Updated 10/5/12:

And here we are masturbating to it.

He just wanted it to be clear for the autopsy report.

Um, aren't you doing the same thing Mrs. Cooper?

To be fair, that red light fairy can be kind of a dick.

Then ask one of the nurses to take a photo! This is an emergency!

Updated 9/10/12:

Updated 1/13/12:

Updated 12/9/11:

Posted 9/28/11:

5. Jennifer Lawrence, because Mockingjay: Part 1 had the smallest opening weekend of any Hunger Games movie.

(Getty)

Depending on how you look at it, Jennifer Lawrence had either a great weekend at the box office or a disappointing one. Mockingjay: Part 1, the first part of what I understand is a sixteen-film finale to the dystopian trilogy, had $123 million in ticket sales, setting a box office record for the year. BUT it still didn't do as well as movies one and two in the series. So now every time someone tells Jennifer "congrats" today, she'll know they're secretly thinking her new movie's achievement will always have an asterisk by it. Maybe for Mockingjay: Part 2 they should have more dead kids? People love that.

4. Buffalo residents, who now have to deal with the massive flooding caused by all that snow melting.

(via reddit)

Remember last week when Buffalo was hit by a horrible blizzard because of the lake effect? The National Weather Service has now issued a flood warning for the area because it's unseasonably warm today, which means those seven feet of snow are going to melt really quickly. Residents were told to expect several feet of water in some areas and that basements might flood. Luckily, temperatures are expected to fall again by Monday night, which should also bring biting arctic winds that bring down trees and power lines. At least no one in Buffalo was hoping to travel or relax with their families this week.

3. A guy who found out his headaches were caused by a tapeworm that's been living in his brain for four years.

(file photo)

The usual culprits when you have persistent headaches are stress, being overtired, or illness. But now every time you get a headache, you'll have to wonder if it's actually a tapeworm surviving on nutrients it soaks up out of your brain. That's what British scientists found in the brain of a man who was just like you or me, except that at some point—probably on a trip to China, where the parasite is common—he ate or drank the wrong thing, and ended up with a tapeworm burrowing its way to his brain. The worm caused flashbacks, seizures, and headaches. It has since been removed, but the man's symptoms persist, including the symptom of shuddering and going "ugh" every time he remembers he had a tapeworm living in his brain.

2. People who now have to make their conspiracy theories about Benghazi even more outrageous.

(via U.S. Department of State)

On Friday, the GOP-led House Intelligence Committee revealed the results of a two-year inquiry into the Benghazi attacks in 2012: they found no wrongdoing by the Obama administration. Some might say it's time for right-wing conspiracy theorists to give up now that their own party has found Obama's people handled things correctly. That would be lazy. It's time for conspiracy theorists to step up their game and come up with new, even crazier accusations. Here's one I just came up with for you guys: Susan Rice wanted to spend more time with her family, so she fomented anti-American sentiment abroad, hoping it would boil over into a fatal attack on the U.S. diplomatic compound in Libya, which she could then say was part of a protest, which would call her judgment into question, giving her an excuse to resign. Actually, Lindsey Graham probably already secretly thinks that's true.

1. Vegetarians, because of the new and disgusting items well-meaning family members will attempt to replace their turkey with this year.

(via flickr)

What's it gonna be this year, omnivorous family members of hapless vegetarians and vegans? Shredded celery and walnuts shaped into a horrifying ball? Soy protein genetically modified to grow in the shape of a turkey? Lentil loaf glazed with barbecue sauce, which sounds fairly benign until you learn it was made with bacon? The only thing grosser than the vegetarian foods we try to replace turkey with at Thanksgiving dinner is the 14-pound carcass of a dead bird that is the meal's centerpiece. This year, let your vegetarian loved ones be—mashed potatoes and pie definitely counts as a meal.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)