FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFerguson.

The thing I like about this clip is that it's not looking to re-fight the Darren Wilson indictment battle. This is about the two camps that people have settled into (and wage pointless comment battles about) during this debate. Either you think we still have issues with an "adversarial climate" between African Americans and police forces due to the legacy of racism, or (in the admittedly liberal view of Stewart and his supporters) you think we have a systemic issue with "racial arsonists," whatever those are. One thing is for certain, however: no one runs a victim-mentality industrial complex better than the perpetually scared folks over at Fox.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"Have. A seat. Mister Bond. This. Could. Take a. While."

If Stephen Hawking gets his wish, it could be "license to kill" vs. "license to park anywhere."

With a new movie about his life called The Theory of Everything in theaters, the world-renowned physicist and part-time actor has announced that his biggest Hollywood wish is to play a Bond villain.

According the The Telegraph, Hawking explained in a recent interview why he thinks he'd be a good choice to take on 007. "My ideal role would be a baddie in a James Bond film. I think the wheelchair and the computer voice would fit the part."

Hawking has several acting gigs under his belt, with appearances on Big Bang Theory and Star Trek. But playing a brilliant guy named Stephen Hawking isn't much of a challenge for a brilliant guy named Stephen Hawking. You can tell he's a natural in this clip of "the greatest minds in physics playing poker."

The Bond franchise could certainly use a kick in the pants. Over the years we've come to accept that sharks, crocodiles, henchmen, laser beams, vats of acid, even volcanos don't pose much of a threat to 007. So why not give the smartest guy in the world a shot?

The biggest problem it would present is audience members overwhelmingly rooting for the villain.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

As an adult, the thought of being in the middle of screaming kids set loose upon a Toys 'R Us is terrifying, but still heartwarming. (via Cody Stoots)

Every Christmas for the past eight years, Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson hosts kids who are in the care of the Harris County Department of Family Protective Services and gives them what is literally a kid's dream come true: a Toys-R-Us shopping spree. When I was a kid, that was literally a prize on children's game shows (I don't watch them anymore, but it probably still is). We love to talk about professional athletes who behave like boorish a-holes, but let's not forget that a lot of people are like Johnson and actively and awesomely give back to their communities.

Johnson with the staff and kids. pic.twitter.com/s5dZoqz8qX
— Cody Stoots (@Cody_Stoots) December 2, 2014

Like any good shopping spree, there are rules. You can grab anything you want, but there's an 80-second time limit to the run. This, of course, makes it way more exciting in the moment, as anyone who remembers Supermarket Sweep or any Nickelodeon show hosted by Mark Summers can attest. When the event first started years ago, Johnson said he was skeptical that it would be enough when his uncle suggested the time limit. "That's not enough time," Johnson told reporters he said to his uncle. "He was like, 'they can grab a lot!'" Now, Johnson says "It's amazing what they can grab in 80 seconds. Looking at these baskets this year, I think these kids probably got more than any other kids throughout the year."

Johnson addressing the crowd explaining the rules of the run. Andre's paying so the kids grab whatever they want. pic.twitter.com/5hNyythIZh
— Cody Stoots (@Cody_Stoots) December 2, 2014

According to Cody Stoots, who took these great pictures and wrote about the event for CBS Houston, when the kids got back to the register, "There were WWE action figures, plush characters from the movie Frozen, and much more in the carts at the end of their runs." So, they got the toys they really wanted instead of trying to bilk Johnson for the highest-value items in the store. These kids literally understand Christmas better than 99% of the people I grew up with.

Andre with a little shopper. pic.twitter.com/W5qh5RL8wa
— Cody Stoots (@Cody_Stoots) December 2, 2014

There was one hiccup: after all the excitement of the 80-second race, Johnson realized his wallet was in the car. Everyone waited for his uncle to run to the car and back, and then the long, happy beepity-boopity marathon of checking out began. In the end, Johnson ended up with receipts almost as long as your average trip to CVS, and a bill for $16,266.26 (he did end up earning a few gift cards, so he got something besides joy and goodwill out of it).

Andre paying at the first register. pic.twitter.com/NYlasl8jYa
— Cody Stoots (@Cody_Stoots) December 2, 2014

According to the various comments sections I've seen, Johnson's pro-football future is uncertain after nearly a decade in the game, but I think any team should hire this guy just to prove that someone genuinely nice works for them.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Eight minuet abs.

Cameron Carpenter is, like, really into the pipe organ. I mean, like, really, really into it. And do you know what else Cameron Carpenter is really into? Cameron Carpenter. You really should stop whatever you're doing right now and watch this six-minute ode to his two favorite things. Badass Digest's Devin Faraci described it as "Spinal Tap for pipe organs," which would be a spot-on description if it were an intentional parody:

Look, I don't even think I want to make fun of this guy. I think I might think he's awesome. Maybe? I don't know. I mean, you certainly have to have a big personality to compete with that hair and those shoes, right? I'm so confused. Maybe I'm fascinated with Cameron Carpenter and his amazing international touring organ. Or maybe I was just hypnotized by the intensity of his stare.

Let's put it this way: I would definitely see this guy in concert. Put I'd have to be assured that a sizable chunk of the performance would be him talking about the magnificence his organ and seductively peeling his shirt from his torso.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

She looks great for her age.

This woman going through 100 years worth of hair and makeup trends in one minute is pretty interesting. Watching from the vantage point of 2014, it seems pretty spot-on for the first few decades, because it's easier to buy that most women dressed like the Ginger Rogers in 1940 if you weren't around in 1940. But when the model gives the peace sign in "1960," you're reminded that we're dealing in pretty broad strokes here. Still, was hair parted on the side with a barrette a big deal in the 90s? I hadn't noticed that. Though, based on this video, I feel pretty confident predicting that red lipstick will be a thing for the next 100 years. At least.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

The Christmasiness is palpable.

With Christmas just around the corner and the economy stagnating as it is, we could probably all deal with a little more money in our wallets for gift-giving and ugly-sweater-buying. That's why it's more crucial than ever that we all crack the Billboard Top 40 with our own holiday-themed pop songs and rake in those much-needed millions of dollars in royalties. But how do you do it?!

It's actually harder than you might think. First of all, you probably need to know how to play an instrument. No amount of mashing your fists into a piano's keyboard will result in a modern classic like NewSong's "The Christmas Song" if you don't have a fundamental understanding of the instrument's workings.

There's a bunch of other things to consider, as well. The good thing, though, is that you don't have to figure it out on your own. British musician/comedian Brett Domino lays out everything you need to know in this handy how-to video. It even includes his own contribution to this most festal of musical genres:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This is America in 2014. Who isn't ten pounds overweight?

Looking for a roommate is every young person's rite of passage, and like most rites this one often ends in bloodshed. Searching the ads you learn all about the human condition and its propensity for veganism, nudism, and in-home compost heaps. These immensely entertaining ads represent the full spectrum of strange, scary and delightfully insane characters encountered during the typical Craigslist roommate search.

Nothing wrong with "chronic" masturbation. But if it's in the roommate search inquiry, it's probably more like "constant" or "I'm typing this with one hand because I have no choice."

Even though it doesn't say you'll have roommates, trust me, you'll have roommates.

Emily, you dodged a goddamn bullet!

Windowless room inconveniently located near airport +
Clothing prohibited =
Worst ad ever!

Updated 11/5/14:

And if you ever get sick of your kids, we'll eat em for ya!(Via)

What if I'm renting my dick? Then can we be roomies?(Via)

.

I'd kill to attend a monthly sleep party.(Via)

.

Hard to find a pro-ranting-in-the-house roommate sitch. (Via)

.

Female, your floor mattress (and middle-aged man) are waiting for you!(Via)

.

Updated 7/29/14:

Not a clue what most of this means, but the bathroom part sounds like he might not be a neat-freak at least. (Via)

.

"Talk?" At least the ones who demand sex for rent are up front about it. (Via)

.

(click image to enlarge)

Nice housing for like-minded nazi. No sex! (Via)

.

He had us at "do your laundry."Worth it!(Via)

.

Updated 6/26/14:

"Yeah I had fun in college, except for that year I was a live-in sex slave for Gandalf."(Via)

.

Does the other wife also have to be a "state fitness winner"? Or just a medalist? (Via)

.

Count the exclamation points. That's how many times per week this guy will accuse you of leaving a dish in the sink.(Via)

.

Updated 5/27/14:

I may let you pay for shelter with prostitution, but I draw the line at parties!

.

Okay, that's a nice living room. Maybe staring at balls all day is worth it?

.

Yoga, vegan, fine. Why'd you have to bring "hugs" into it?!

.

"Curvy" woman for cleaning? At least the "barter for sex" guy was up front about it.

.

Doesn't Craigslist have a "no astrological discrimination" policy?

.

Updated 4/24/14:

Nothing like a roommate whose primary demand is "care for me."(Via)

.

It pays to read the entire ad before setting up an appointment.

.

It can be assumed a prerequisite it you have to murder the existing neighbor.(Via)

.

So wait. Loving dirt and kidnapped sex partners is cool? Got it.

.

Craiglist would free up a lot of space if they just had a separate "Sex Slave Wanted" section.

.

Updated 3/26/14:

Just don't start the dialogue with, "So what are you wearing?"

.

You better like him. It's really hard to move out in the middle of the ocean.

.

Hi. Please help me fulfill my dream of having live-in threesomes. I can offer shelter.

.

So if I move in, is that thing in the corner up for grabs?

.

It's bi day today. Do bisexual people date or do they jump straight into moving in together?

.

It might be worth moving in with this couple just to watch their relationship disintegrate.

.

Updated 2/27/14:

Sorry, but if you ingest dairy, no live-in threesome situation for you!

.

You get a nice room, and every once in a while you have to carry the pumpkin.

.

Why's "taking a shit" a part of it? Nudism and poop don't go hand-in-hand.

That's how you write a nudist ad. Touching makes sense. Doesn't say a word about poop.

Stay away. Based on 'House Of Cards,' government-workers are all murdering psychopaths.

Updated 1/28/14:

This couple really knows how to cut to the chase.(Via)

Watch over a terrified young person 24/7 and you live rent free!

You had me at the nazi tattoo on your arm. (Via)

Just a tip, 420 really helps ease people into the "walking around nude" thing.

Updated 10/3/13:

Amenities include use of the anti-bacterial footbath.

There was one misprint in the ad. Not sure how "no sex" got in there. Damn typos.

I just require the incomparable cooking and cleaning skills or a stripper or escort.

Have sex with me and you could have days of shelter. Days!

I'm really horny and need a ride to the airport. Thanks.

Go with this guy. He's the only one who's actually interested in you living.

Updated 9/3/13:

Okay, but I get to be the big spoon.

She already evicted me!

Define "basic cuddling." Does that include nose nuzzling? I draw the line at nose nuzzling.

"Mature" means you can't make fart sounds every time you see his bare ass.

So it's either rape or murder but you can't do both. Don't be a greedy roommate!

I don't know. I saw a hole in Brooklyn for only $525.

Updated 8/2/13:

Wow, a two-bedroom!

But if the dog and cat are fixed, no worries about cross-species breeding with my gator!

Expect a lot of responses from people convinced they're the ones who'll make you happy.

I just get along better with women in the sex industry. Sorrrrrr-REE!

An apartment above a garage on a golf course? Feet don't fail me now!

Updated 7/2/13:

Baby's busy covering your "conditions." Ask your meth head friends to do a quick revision.

What kind of woman would go for this?!

There she is. How can we connect these two?

If the two above got this guy as a landlord, the entire living arrangement would be sexualized!

Cats okay ever since we realized we have no way of keeping them out.

Updated 6/5/13:

How cool is this place? They even have their own super-soakers!

Bet this dump will be super-soaker free.

You being hot is payment enough...until I raise the rent with a demand for sex.

I hate people who have a bunch of hangups. Oh and also, NO GAYS!!!

Actually, screw the room rental. Just let me and my husband have sex with you, cool?

Pretty sure this is a parody, but it has a important message: Never, ever live with a hippie.

Updated 5/2/13:

And he does mean "lady!" Mannered, highborn asians to cook and clean and live in a basement, only!

We can't see the downside. For you. For us, this is awful.

The orange one ate the last roommate.

"lol" = Loser Online.

At least this ad's upfront about the cats. And the old women.

Nerd Manor awaits you.

Updated 4/2/13:

Our day-to-day hairstyle would best be described as "dandruffy."

You can't just adopt a big dog? Or lure a drunk stranger home with you?

Except if you're a Judo guy and he's into Jujitsu, it'll never work.

Drive me to the airport. Pick up my laundry. Hourly nude fast-dancing. You know, "favors."

Great idea, but you'll still get the crazies. It's not the ad, there just isn't anyone else on Craigslist.

Updated 2/12/13:

Your handwritten "No Girls Allowed" sign will look great above the entranceway.

At $500 a month your wife can afford to leave out some bras and panties for Travis.

Oh and I'm saving water so we'll have to share showers too. Cool?

Blonde dye jobs need not apply. HE WILL NOT SHARE ACCOMMODATIONS WITH LIARS!

Unless he's shaved, don't eat that breakfast, roomie.

Updated 10/16/12:

What if we prefer a Caps-Lock-Free living space?

If you hold the belt for our autoerotic asphyxiation sessions, it's a deal.

Don't laugh. Our Dad and Mom fell in love when she answered his "Used Chevy For Sale And Let's Get Married" ad.

Better headline would be "Severely Malfunctioning Humanoid Seeks No One."

No go. We did some stuff when we were three that we don't wanna remember. Suffice to say, it involved Weeble Wobbles.

Define "sexy." Also, this being Craigslist, define "women."

Updated 8/27/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO SEE FULL AD >

Updated 7/10/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 5/1/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 2/9/12:

Posted 8/26/11:

<CLICK IMAGE TO SEE THE FULL AD>

No Daniel, it can't be.

Redditor sheppy52, aka Daniel, was trying to track down a lost package when a customer service agent, Jill, made a common typo. Instead of typing "sec," she typed "sex."

Daniel apparently thought she was flirting, since "give just one sex" is one of the hottest things you can type at a stranger, right up there next to "That'll take a sex" and "I need a sex to figure that out" and "Did you know 1 sex = 1,000,000 microsexonds?"

Jill apologized, saying this was "not that kind of chat line." Yes, the winky face at the end of that sentence was probably a mistake, but far be it from us to blame the victim.

Daniel saw an opportunity and responded with "It can be... ;)." You know, the ol' ellipsis/winky face one-two combo flirt. It's a classic of Internet flirting, and when both parties are interested, it can be extremely effective.

In this case, however, Jill was not interested, and she basically hung up on him so he'd have to talk to another agent. It's possible Jill just hit the wrong button—she has a track record, after all—but more likely, Jill did online what we've all wished was possible in real life when some guy gets the wrong idea: disconnected.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

He really nails the splits screen.

Typically, fantasy football betting includes money. Pools and pools of money. In this case, the wager was recreating pop-star Sia's music video for Chandelier scene for scene, and every humiliating aspect that comes with dressing in a nudie costume, wearing a wig, and attempting Maddie Ziegler level dance skill.

This should have been the most humiliating punishment since Christina Aguilera had to come back to the Super Bowl after messing up the National Anthem, but the loser of the bet, Chuck Jose, got super into it. I mean, he almost did it perfectly. What he lacked in dance training he more than made up for with enthusiasm. Plus, his sparsely decorated bachelor apartment looks almost identical to the abandoned building the original video was filmed in.

The recreation is presented with a side-by-sde comparison with the original so you can judge with the greatest of ease.

The video has amassed over a quarter million views already, and Chuck is really excited about all the attention he is getting from it. He has even started discussing his process on twitter.

For anybody wondering, I was also wearing hosiery alongside that leotard. :) Hard to tell with all my spinning and prancing.

— Chuck Jose (@ChuckJose) December 3, 2014

That wasn't exactly what I was wondering about, Chuck, but thanks.

(by Myka Fox)

Dog knows how to enjoy the finer things in life.

You know that feeling when you've gone camping or gotten caught in a muddy rainstorm or just been too lazy to maintain basic personal hygiene for a few days, and you finally take a shower, and it feels absolutely amazing? That's how Barry the pug feels every single time he takes a bath.

He loves the cool water. He loves being soaped down by his Australian owner David. And he loves being towel-dried.

You will love watching him love it.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Look out, Ariana! (Via Getty Images)

Ariana Grande became an "honorary angel" last night for the Victoria's Secret fashion show in London, and not just because she dressed up in their "Pink" gear and sang for the fans. She also "almost died."

As you can see in these pictures, Angel Elsa Hosk keeps a perfect grin as she nearly takes out Grande with her monster angel wings. Ariana, out of sheer self defense, does not remain so poised.

In fact, the tiny starlet looks downright terrified.

She has a good sense of humor about it though, and after the event wrote about her brush with death on Twitter.

a Victoria's Secret angel accidentally smacked me in the face with her wings and it was awesome #goals#bangbangintomyface

— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) December 3, 2014

Apparently, she was practicing to reach those #goals, as this wasn't her first near death experience with the femme fatale Mothra. She got clipped by the wings in the (un)dress rehearsal as well. On Instagram, she posted before that show that she "was so nervous / excited at dress rehearsal i almost walked face first into an Angel's wings and died lmao oops. (only me..... ever...)".

Only her... twice.

We all get to to watch the 21-year-old's life flash before her eyes when the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show airs Dec. 9 at 10 p.m. ET on CBS.

Until then, look out, Ariana!

(by Myka Fox)

Think of them as YouTube, and the foam as views, except they would be buried in foam.

Remember when we thought the world's computer systems would collapse because of the Y2K bug, and planes would fall out of the sky? Congrats, you're a decrepit old person, but it should help you understand how Psy almost melted YouTube's ability to count views. PSY's video surpassed the mind-bending maximum view-count number the folks at YouTube assumed they would never see: 2,147,483,647.

The irony of news about something being seen so much being posted on Google+...

Two billion, one hundred forty-seven million, four hundred and eighty-three thousand, six hundred and forty seven views. Well, more now.

Why 2,147,483,647? Well, in computer terms, that's the highest value you can write with 32 bits (i.e. a string of 32 zeroes and ones has 2,147,483,648 combinations, but since one of those is zero, you can only count up to 2,147,483,647). Since that's like two India's worth of views, YouTube didn't think anyone would make anything worth watching that many times.

This is the perfect summation of all YouTube comments, gone meta.

But the South Korean pop revolution that was Psy, doing his horsey dance and screaming at women's butts, was more than just some 31-bit flash in the pan. After all, even his follow-up works, which did not really make that big of an impact, still racked up 762.2 million views for "Gentleman" and 162.3 million views for the new "Hangover," featuring Snoop Dogg.

No, it's not negative. It's not wiping all memory of this from the world. Sadly.

So, how did YouTube manage to count past that? They stopped using commas, which adds 3 digits to the number of possible integers, or a thousand-fold increase in how high it can count. I hate to think of how catchy the first video to get two trillion hits will be. I bet it will still involve screaming at butts, though. If you hover over the view counter on youtube, you can see the number without commas (and you can see it go up every time you hover). It's not quite the same number that appears later, though...which is probably a time-delay issue, but if someone knows something I don't, feel free to share.

I feel like he should be screaming "THANK YOU SO MUCH" to that butt.

In the meantime, I'm going to watch 'Gangnam Style' for the third (millionth) time ever. Op, op op op op op...op I'm done with this.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Typical Cameron.
(via ThinkStock)

There's a company called School Stickers that was created as an incentive to reward the best-behaving students with stickers. It's basically a way to try and get kids to stop goofing off by motivating them with prizes. On paper, it's sounds like a pretty harmless way to incentivize learning.

In the process of tracking 58,000 students to find the ones who perform the best, they've also been keeping track of the kids bringing up the rear, who are either lousy students or simply don't care about stickers. Now, they're totally busted because the evil snitches at School Stickers have released a list of the most common names of the best and worst behaving students.

The top ten worst-behaved girls names:

1. Ella
2. Bethany
3. Eleanor
4. Olivia
5. Laura
6. Holly
7. Courtney
8. Amber
9. Caitlin
10. Jade

The top ten worst behaved boys names:

1. Joseph
2. Cameron
3. William
4. Jake
5. Joshua
6. Jamie
7. Lewis
8. Benjamin
9. Ethan
10. Luke

While Jade, Courtney, Jake and Joshua are no shock, you can't help but be disappointed with Eleanor and Benjamin. Goes to show you can't judge a book by it's cover, even when judging kids based on sketchy statistics from a company trying to drum up free publicity for itself.

Regardless, here's the names of the kids who received the the most rewards.

The top ten best-behaved girls names:

1. Amy
2. Georgia
3. Emma
4. Charlotte
5. Grace
6. Sophie
7. Abigail
8. Hannah
9. Emily
10. Alice

The top ten best-behaved boys names:

1. Jacob
2. Daniel
3. Thomas
4. James
5. Adam
6. Harry
7. Samuel
8. Jack
9. Oliver
10. Ryan

Because these lists are made up according to popularity, badly behaved kids who have been blessed with uncommon names really dodged a bullet here. So, congrats to Gunner, Lacey, Rocco and Destiny. You're the real winners!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Related: Here is the official list of the most common baby names of 2014.