1. America Survives 'Peter Pan Live!' Mostly By Not Watching It

NBC's much-promoted Peter Pan Live! musical extravaganza pulled in a disappointing 9.1 million viewers, most of which being people gleefully hating it on Twitter. Though those numbers are down more than 50 percent from NBC's previous live musical, The Sound of Music, they're way up from the network's normal Thursday night programs, which really isn't saying much. In case you didn't get to watch, here's Allison Williams, as Peter Pan, acting like a rooster:

loved watching Peter Pan last night pic.twitter.com/AY83TmHwVc
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) December 5, 2014

2. NASA Accomplishes Feat It Managed To Pull Off Half A Century Ago

The United States just came one step closer to killing several of its citizens on the surface of the planet Mars. The Orion spacecraft that will eventually carry people to our nearest planetary neighbor, where they will surely die, successfully splashed down into the Pacific Ocean after orbiting the Earth twice. Nice to see that we can accomplish the same things we did back when my grandfather was a young man.

The Orion Shuttle took off from Cape Canaveral this morning, which NASA hopes will be their first attempt at tragically crashing into Mars.
— Adam Cozens (@Adam_Cozens) December 5, 2014

3. Bill Cosby Is No Longer A Make-Believe Naval Officer

The United States Navy has announced that it is revoking Bill Cosby's honorary rank of chief petty officer in light of recent, highly publicized sexual allegations that it says "are in conflict with the Navy's core values of honor, courage and commitment." Cosby has not yet set his legal team upon the military institution, but it's still early in the day.

In order to top Peter Pan Live, NBC is commissioning a musical in which Bill Cosby's legal team musically slanders his accusers for 3 hrs.
— Gladstone (@WGladstone) December 5, 2014

4. Pantone 18-1438 Named Color Of The Year, Just Like We All Assumed

As many people predicted, 18-1438—otherwise known as Marsala—has been named the Pantone Color of the Year. Let's hope that "naturally robust and earthy wine red" doesn't prove to be as much of an embarrassment to its family of hues as 18-3224 was last year.

It's here! The @WSJ announces the Pantone Color of the Year for 2015 is #Marsalahttp://t.co/83Yd4o8tUDpic.twitter.com/jN2ug3gmGl
— PANTONE (@pantone) December 4, 2014

5. Chimpanzees Are Not Human Beings, According To N.Y. Judge

A New York appellate judge has ruled that, as chimpanzees are not human beings, they are not subject to the similar human rights considerations as their considerably more obnoxious hominid cousins. So, we're all free to treat them as garbagey as we feel like. Yay, humans!

Growing up we were so poor our chimpanzee had to wear a tuxedo tshirt, not a real one.

— Hank Thompson (@Hank_Thompson) May 30, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"Check it out, you guys! You were on South Park!"

The most recent South Park episode was mostly notable for taking on new media stars like Pewdiepie and other YouTube celebrities, but one moment of satirical contrast was likening the obsessive fans of vloggers to the mindless adoration of daytime talk show crowds. In particular, the crowd for The Wendy Williams Show. Wendy was apparently tickled pink to be sent up by South Park, and who wouldn't be? That said, perhaps she didn't really think through the meta-implications of showing this to her audience.

Some questions: did Wendy Williams watch the South Park clip first, and if so, did she not realize it might be a little rude to show to the audience? What happened next? Why has no one apparently uploaded that? Is it too much work to actually go to her show's website? No, it turned out it wasn't, but it also turns out that for some reason, this segment didn't end up as one of the clips selected as an episode highlight. I wonder why not?

(by Johnny McNulty)

Hoo boy! That was close.

Swimming in a lake is not an ideal situation for an owl. That's why this footage shot by Steve Spitzer of one doing the butterfly stroke in Lake Michigan is so unusual. This Great Horned Owl crashed into the waters of Loyola Park Beach in Chicago to avoid being caught by a pair of peregrine falcons that were chasing him. The bird doesn't look too happy, but neither would you if you wound up in a lake in December after nearly being eaten alive. Spitzer said animal rescue was called, but the owl had already made it to shore and flown off before they arrived.

As unusual as the footage is, maybe the strangest thing about it is that a guy had an opportunity to film an owl swimming in a lake and decided that 9 seconds was plenty. We've all developed pretty short attention spans, but c'mon.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

No inane, no gain.

Don't you just hate going to the gym? Ugh! What do you think is the worst part? Running on the treadmill? Riding the stationary bike? Those are bad, but if you ask me, the worst part is that one machine for which you have to grab a handle with one hand and a loose disc weight with the other, and then you hop back and forth until your muscles are huge and bulging? What's that machine called?

Wait, that machine doesn't exist? Are you sure? Well then, what the hell is this guy doing?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

It's like starting a chain of dominos, if they were just piled together and exploding.

The origin of this specific video is lost in the mire of Google Translate (c'mon, Google, it's not like Americans' amazing multi-lingual abilities are at risk of atrophying, just do it for us!), but it's almost certainly from Taiwan and the title of the clip definitely (maybe) translates to "Taiwan-Style Nuclear Burning Firecracker." One thing is for sure, however, which is that I wish I could be in the first row for this event. Well, the second. Near an exit.

The good stuff starts at around 1:20.

There's a better-than-good chance that this display is related to Taiwan's annual Yenshui Fireworks Festival, which you can learn more about in this epilepsy-risking video from the travel guides at Lonely Planet.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Not quite Ididaride material.

Before anyone goes off on an all-caps ANIMAL CRUELTY rant about this video of dogs trying on snow booties for the first time, take a moment to consider that all of these dogs are in the care of owners who are so concerned about the well-being of their pets that they spent hard-earned money to buy them footwear. It's not like these dogs are being paraded around a shopping mall in high heels. Some don't handle cold weather very well. And the salt used by snow plows can harm a dog's paws. They may not dig the new boots at first, but they'll all get used to them. Okay, maybe not the Min Pin who looks like he's wigging out on four hits of acid, but the others will eventually come around.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"Believe it or not, officer, I haven't been drinking."

The first thing that comes to mind while watching this clip is: how is stuffing party horns into a car's exhaust pipe not a thing already? Someone with forty bucks and some time on their hands should register PartyHornExhaust.com, because in a time where the Cinnamon Challenge and planking can become worldwide sensations, the potential for "party horning" is off the charts. At least up to the point when the number of party horning deaths from carbon monoxide poisoning begins to outweigh the fun. Until then, though, it's going to be a hoot.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

New meaning to "lame duck."

President Obama took a break from such lighthearted activities as replacing our Defense Secretary on short notice with some dude named Ash (presumably to address the growing Pokemon threat) to engage in the more solemn duty of the National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony. In addition to high-fiving Santa, the ancient ritual calls for the President to do the traditional dance of lame dads that dates back to the days of Saturnalia, when pagan dads would embarrass their kids to appease the god of lame jokes.

It's good to know some traditions will always continue.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Science or something.

You know how earlier today, you were saying to yourself, "This is a pretty decent day, as far as Saturdays go, I guess. But do you know what would really pitch this Saturday over the edge? A bunch of balls dropped onto an escalator for non-specific reasons!"

Well, ask and you shall receive:

The people who put it online inscrutably tried to explain their actions, writing on YouTube: "static loop of kinetic energy, redefining location." I suppose that's science of some sort. I don't know. I always assumed that science was more about observing bacteria through microscopes, and less about annoying people who just want to get the hell upstairs.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Mi-ya-hi, I'm-a-old, mi-ya-hi, oh-my-goh-od

No, really. It's the 10th anniversary of "Numa Numa" being posted on Newgrounds, which is where it originally went viral. However, it's a lot easier to embed a YouTube video, so you'll have to do with this merely 8-and-a-half year-old version of it. As much as the Star Wars Kid and Leeroy Jenkins, this video defined virality in its time. Which was 10 years ago. Because you're old. Sigh. Have a nice weekend.

(by Johnny McNulty)

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!

Instead of simply doing a Christmas-themed couch gag for tonight's holiday episode, "I Won't Be Home For Christmas," the Simpsons team decided to go all out and create an entirely new opening credit sequence. It hits all the same beats as the regular one; it's just more festive. As though Santa sprayed it down with some of his magic Yuletide extract.

And, yes, of course there's a Frozen joke. You think they could have gotten away with not including one? They're not exempt from the law, you know.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

New baby, old tricks.

This video is a fantastic reminder to all you dogs out there that a new human puppy in the house isn't a threat, it's an ally. With just a little patience and a whole lot of persistence, you can train your human puppy to do pretty much whatever you want it to. They make particularly good fetch partners, as they enjoy mindless repetition almost as much as you do:

Just wait until you figure out how to make it give you its food! It'll be the greatest friendship of your life.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Behold, the 63-point-turn.

Let's play a game: Watch the video below and then take a guess: Drunk or Shrooms?

In this case, thinkin' shrooms. If drunk, the driver of this BMW would have just rammed that red car behind her a couple more times, before maybe clipping the taillight off the black car and then taking off. Instead, she's so over-cautious and so frightened of seemingly imaginary obstructions to her exit that she has to be tripping her balls off, trying to avoid all the obese dragons dressed as parking attendants she's seeing scattered about the lot in her hallucination.

According to the video description, that's the owner of the red car helping her navigate her exit before inspecting his own car and becoming upset at the damage she caused. It's Canada, and helping the driver who smashed in your car escape the scene is their version of "let's exchange insurance information."

(by Bob Powers)

The eternal dance of love.

Come on, now! Do this dog and horse really think that we know don't what's going on? The tension between them as they play tug of war is embarrassingly palpable. It's so obvious that they're gonna end up making out together, just like that dog and horse couple we caught in the act last week. This is just all part of the game:

Dogs and horses, we know your secret! Stop playing coy and get it over with!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

I hope you took the time to write on her feedback page. (via)

Sometimes "TMI" can stand for "Too Much Immediacy." It's not that we don't want to be informed that a friend is masturbating / on the toilet / performing brain surgery / all of the above. We just worry that by trying to share it with us while in the moment, they're not savoring the moment as much as it can be savored. These Facebook users exemplify the growing spirit of real-time overshare, refusing to wait even five seconds before updating their status with the most private, unnecessary, and occasionally disgusting details of the life they're living right now.

The one night we forgot how to identify basic shapes. (via)

Women's Health India may not be keeping up with the lastest in US celeb gossip.(via)

If you ever post something like this, you deserve 190% of any mockery you get. (via

I'm sorry Facebook didn't exist when it was OK for you to make that joke, Jacqui. (via)

Ummm. I guess the issue here is never take that picture... (via)

Updated 11/8/14

They know you were parked outside. Somewhere up in heaven, they know. (via)

At least you're not thinking about your dying family member anymore, right? (via)

He's willing to emit a lot of things, apparently.(via)

Dear ex-gf, someday you will look back on this and Like. (via)

"Lol Facebook lets you write whatever you want. Bad idea, Facebook!" (via)

Jeeze, it's the Internet. At least say "underwear." (via)

I'm gonna need an epidural to keep reading my timeline. (via)

Updated 9/29/2014:

If there was a Social Media Security administration, this person would not get a card.(via)

Flush the tampon, clog the toilet. Don't flush it, clog the puppy. Tough call. (via)

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At least that fat will still want to hang with you in 18 years. (via)

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They're probably more bothered by you photographing your dashboard at 35mph. (via)

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Nintendo makes those codes long so you have 5 seconds to delete it when you accidentally tweet it to everyone. (via)

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I thought it was Uncle Dass' funeral for a second and I was slightly impressed. But this is the uncle Dass not dead. (via)

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Judge not, let ye be afflicted with mid-porno computer problems. (via)

Updated 9/29/14:

Proof...That I am a menace to all and need to have my license revoked. (Via)

We can't be there for you 24/7!(Via)

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#Keeper Loves #Oversharer 4Ever. (Via)

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Too hot to not commit vehicular manslaughter.(Via)

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Last known photo.(Via)

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Some random dude sold an ugly truck...and we all felt healed.(Via)

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Updated 8/26/14:

That's a famous person. Right there. Being rewarded. For this.

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Don't talk smack about a friend's ex until the restraining orders are finalized.

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A.) You still have time, get off Facebook. B.) She can see this, you illiterate dummy.

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I hope those five likes were worth it for this gross story full of *POP*!

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Mission: Literally Impossible

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Don't commit crimes. If you do, don't post them on Facebook. It's not hard.

Updated 7/23/14:

I'm glad you enjoy working out, I hear prison is good for that.

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Perfect mom font as well. So much craftier.

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Not too hot for Facebook, though. Never too hot to drive and Facebook.

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I think David's mom Whitney might have some helpful advice.

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Much like hemorrhoids, there is nothing to ease the pain of this post.

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Please, let me be the idiot in this situation and let this be fake.

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The stereotype that writers always wait until the last possible second is true.

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Updated 6/25/14:

Well, he got the hashtags right, but I don't think a snap PSA will get you off in court.

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This guy is both ignorant about sex and under-excited to be the next Joseph & Mary.

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I know it's really hard to get an anal bleaching appointment after work, but don't brag.

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C'mon, Lisa. Let us share the joy of laughing at Sean.

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Come down to Rickki's Brothel, we've got the best Local Business in town.

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I don't know what's worse, going 90mph to pick up a kid, or the word choice here.

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Updated 4/11/14:

Ironically, the person who realizes it shouldn't be on Facebook is also the most illiterate.

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lmaoo: "Laughing my ass off ohmigodIdidn'tseethatturn!"

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He/she totally did that.

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That's a very specific amount of screaming to promise.

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I don't approve of sharing people's sex tapes, but: I now know who Helene Fischer is.

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Updated 4/11/14:

"I don't get it, the shot clock still has 10 seconds...so, why do I hear a horn?"

Drunk driving because no one answered your call is a new passive-aggressive record.

Hard to say who is dumber, the guy who posted for "sinthetic" or the person who thought
it would be possible to reason with him.

What are you doing making a simple update? That's a Facebook Milestone right there.

Is it just me, or did no one call 911 before posting to Facebook?

I hope this isn't the prequel to the bagged lunch one two photos up.

Updated 3/13/14:

Probably made someone's heart rate go up, that's for sure.(via Failbook)

You're right about the second half of that. (via reddit)

I hope that other guy didn't Google that while driving.(via)

I'd say by not embarrassing him in front of everyone, but hey, what do I know? (via Lamebook)

I'm going to say "a.) Henry Clay and b.) all of them." (via)

Whoah, what do you think this is, LinkedIn?(via)

This kid is ready to work in cable news. (via)

Also, just a reminder that it usually sounds pretty stupid to describe your small problems as a disaster:

Your Facebook complaints are all that stands between civilization and buying Fascism.

Updated 2/6/14:

This may be the most literal update-at-an-inappropriate-moment we've ever had. (via reddit)

I don't think it's inte-meant to be with you two, buddy. (via Lamebook)

That big, blurred-out thing? That's a cadaver of someone who donated their body to science.
(via WHNT)

So, he's like one shade smarter than the guys from Dumb & Dumber. (via Lamebook)

Wow, he sounds like the kind of asshole who would take a selfie at a funeral. (via reddit)

Mike, you're not so good at this 21st Century thing. (via reddit)

Updated 1/13/14:

"I got this." - Completely accurate, totally not reassuring. (via reddit)

Certain people need to learn about this encryption technology called talking in person.(via)

It's a good thing admissions officers don't have Facebook.(via)

If this gets 50k likes, we'll get out of the car.(via)

We'll stay tuned for more updates. (via)

I guess you could say nothing and leave us ignorant of this behavior. (via)

Everything about this is a lie! I bet he's not even on break. (via Failbook)

She's so flustered she can't even spell masturbate. (via Lamebook)

Updated 12/04/13:

The prosecution would like to enter into evidence the following Facebook post...

Now everyone will know you are a real class act.

What did Man do before fleshlights and hot pockets?

Yeah, it'll definitely be less awkward right afterwards.

It's cool, they probably had to fart.

Updated 11/06/13:

This looks like a video game...that someone is about to lose.

Fun Fact: This was the first question ever asked, circa 90,000 BC

Live fast, live-update your death young.

You are on a phone on Facebook. I guess in your case, the issue is having no friends.

His grandson made him so awkward, he cringed too hard and it turned into rigor mortis.

I can't talk about it. The police think it might be the same person who poisoned grandpa.

This is the most literal instance of "update at an inappropriate moment" we've ever seen.

Invent a time machine, study home ec and sex ed, and never have a kid or buy bleach.

WOW! Wow, some old lady. Just wow. WOW. WOWOWOWOW.

Updated 10/1/13:

Something tells me this person tried to use that spoon to fix the toaster.

Movie...about illegal and dangerous driving...while driving...brain...*EXPLOSION*

Good, now you'll have time to Google "emergency" to see that you were in one.

I think she's not pregnant because she murdered her boyfriend in the shower.

It will be for you if I can figure out how to show this to your boss.

I assume the feeling you mean is "attention from concerned friends."

Sucks that having the sun in your eyes is the best time for selfies & the worst for driving.

Updated 9/04/13:

I don't always post to social media while driving, but when I do, the speed is 3 digits.

Life goes on, especially when there's colored icing.

Those emoticons are the same faces one of the Heathers made after drinking Drano.

Brainz fallin outa mah hed lol.

9-1-1 only takes typing three digits. This is like 4 tweets.

Better safe than sorry, she could be a ghost who can't rest until she gets 10k likes.

Updated 8/01/13:

Nor shall you, my friend. Nor shall you.

Your baby. Your baby is trying to drink with you.

Way to go, CasanofuckingwaywouldIeverletmydaughterdateyou.

The NSA does.

I tagged the sheriff, but I did not friend the deputy.

That fucktard is in your mirror, fucktard.

And to end a long career of being able to legally drive.

Updated 7/01/13:

Much like she has Faith in posting things on Facebook and saying "don't tell my husband."

If she dies, at least the guy who wrote "ut oh" will know they told her everything they needed.

No one from this high school passed sex ed. No one.

You should hear how funny he thought it was when his F'ing A fell O because he was L'ing.

OK cool, just letting everyone know. Back to playing "Plants vs Zombies."

Platinum beer comes with driving priviledges. It's the highest level of beer membership.

Updated 5/30/13:

"I can do much better tho" is probably true for everything this guy does.

Actually, there is definitely a bio test going on, but for anthrax.

Must...keep...looking...at...phone...for...safety...

See me after class, but remember that I can always see you on here 24/7.

Good God, people! What happened to blasting a music station you hate?

Updated 4/30/13

How did she text with wet nails (while driving)? She's a pro!

This is called Texting While Being In An Action Movie.

7 likes. 1 hehehe. People hate you, buddy.

Hopefully his work is as a tow truck driver so he can tow whomever he hits soon.

Are you crazy putting this on Facebook? Post this kind of stuff on LinkedIn.

Too much inappropriate to keep track of. But great blouse, mourner in the middle!

Updated 4/5/13:

Could you maybe just post a little more to explain what the hell you were doing?

Thumbs down, young lady. Thumbs down.

Not everyone has to make a big deal about their last words.

You're taking a photo of it all while driving? You'll interupt your Words With Friends game!

Facebook Marketplace doesn't sell any pails of soapy water. You're on your own.

Hope they post pics of the entire arrest and incarceration, including the pepper spraying.

Updated 3/5/13:

A.) That emoticon is offensively accurate. B.) The lady helping is in a wetsuit.

"Like this" as in seeing her kid go on Facebook during a funeral?

2 minutes later: lighting a pen full of petroleum-based ink on fire proved to be scarring!

Introducing the new LifeAlert: it calls 911, tweets and Facebooks any time you might die.

To be fair, the man seems equally uninterested in helping his aged wife get out of the car.

Didn't even properly tag them. That's disrespectful. Just a vague attention-grab.

The fact that they're too tired to take a decent photo is not reassuring, either.

Updated 1/29/13:

They see me rollin, they concerned / trying to catch me riding hands-free.

That's fair. But you are also checking Facebook at a funeral, so...

Ain't no status like a cowering-in-my-bathtub-avoiding-stray-bullets status.

Do you know how low your shirt was going? I mean how fast I was distracted? Carry on.

Great drunk-typing. It's amazing he can type and drunk-drive with only one major error.

Their son was diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder sixteen hours later.

Updated 11/30/12:

Put the phone down. You need both hands for that.

The photo gallery of her frantically downing some coffee was a nice touch though.

At least the truck will suffer minor damage getting rear-ended right after you hit send.

You can't put romance behind bars.

#scumbag

Completely idiotic physician, heal thyself!

Updated 10/5/12:

And here we are masturbating to it.

He just wanted it to be clear for the autopsy report.

Um, aren't you doing the same thing Mrs. Cooper?

To be fair, that red light fairy can be kind of a dick.

Then ask one of the nurses to take a photo! This is an emergency!

Updated 9/10/12:

Updated 1/13/12:

Updated 12/9/11:

Posted 9/28/11: