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14 Live TV Specials That Would Be Way Better Than 'Peter Pan Live!'

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(via NBC)

by Dan Abromowitz

While Peter Pan Live! didn't hit the same ratings highs as last year's Carrie Underwood-starring The Sound Of Music Live!, NBC's live-broadcast teleplays have proven themselves a winning combination of star power and high-production-value theatrics, and so we'll likely be seeing them for years to come. That's fine by me, so long as someone at NBC has the good sense to air any of the following:

  1. A production of David Mamet's abrasive classic Glengarry Glen Ross using the magic of trick photography to star an all-Paul Giamatti cast.
  2. A showing of the 2012 Les Misérables movie in front of a live studio audience of raucous and riled chimpanzees whipped into a howling frenzy by Russell Crowe's uneven vocal performance.
  3. A cover-to-cover dramatic reading of Milton's Paradise Lost by a visibly anxious and unwell Jim Carrey. He does all the voices, and makes fun Satan faces, but occasionally he'll wince and whimper as a laser dot moves across his forehead. "Help me," he'll mouth.
  4. Peter Dinklage stars in an avant-garde production of Jesus Christ Superstar, featuring an entirely little person cast, an entirely Aramaic script, and Peter Dinklage's exposed dingus strapped to a tiny little crucifix.
  5. Sylvester and Frank Stallone race to scarf down a couple big sloppy chicken parm hoagies and complete 100 burpees in the NBC parking lot, on camera.
  6. Jack Black is Johnny Rent in RENT: The Story of Johnny Rent! How's Johnny Rent gonna pay his rent? With the help of all his gay artist friends, of course! (It's clear from start to finish that NBC did not successfully acquire the rights to RENT)
  7. Manny Pacquiao fights the 2012 US Olympic women's gymnastics team (the "Fierce Five") on the set of Oklahoma!, followed by an abbreviated performance of Oklahoma!
  8. Michael Jackson's 4D sci-fi spectacular Captain EO roars back to life, daringly re-imagined as a series of live 10-minute singing-and-dancing ads for the all-new 2015 Scion xB.
  9. Idina Menzel steps back into the role that catapulted her into the public eye in an unprecedented blockbuster production of Wicked performed on a stage sinking slowly into the La Brea tar pit.
  10. Megan Fox reads from her diary for a couple hours. Greg Proops sits on a nearby stool and slings bitchy commentary.
  11. An all-cat production of Caberet, but it's called Cat-beret, and the cats have berets, and half the cats are people-cats, like from Cats, but with cat-sized berets (the size of beret a cat would wear) and half the cats are regular cats, but with people-sized berets (the size of a human being). It'll work, trust me.
  12. Nick Jonas throws the switch to electrocute a convicted felon and cries a lot, and the camera just zooms in slowly on his face, all snotty and sobbing.
  13. Patrick Stewart wakes up confused and groggy in an empty locked room with cryptic symbols tattooed on his arm, and we all get to watch that play out on hidden cameras and have ourselves a good laugh. "Can anyone hear me? Is anyone there?!" Ha ha!
  14. The Book Of Mormon, except for the cussing parts.

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter


A magician solved a Rubik's Cube in one second to get out of a speeding ticket.

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Lucky he didn't get ticketed for speeding through this puzzle.

New York-based magician Steven Brundage managed to magically get out of a speeding ticket over the weekend by mesmerizing some police officers with his seeming ability to solve a Rubik's Cube in just one second. At first, you're going to think that he's just some moron who needs a full twenty seconds to solve the toy puzzle like a common dummy. So, make sure you watch the video all the way through:

This trick seems even more effective than my old turn-into-a-weeping-mess-in-ten-seconds stand-by.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

World outraged after man who promised to be "Eaten Alive" by an anaconda only got hugged and kissed.

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Raise your hand if you think this snake looks big enough to eat me.(via)

Hey, did you hear about the amazing thing that happened with Peter Pan Live? Yeah, out of nowhere, it turned out to be only the second-biggest TV disappointment of December! All thanks to the Discovery Channel and snake expert Paul Rosolie, who foolishly told everyone that Rosolie would be Eaten Alive by an anaconda.

I can't emphasize enough how specifically we were all promised he would be Eaten Alive. The title of the show, as I've mentioned twice already, was Eaten Alive. A lot of press coverage leading up to the event were interviews with Rosolie explaining why he let the snake eat him alive. We also learned all about the special suit of armor that had been designed so he could be eaten alive.

If, on the other hand, they had named the show Squeezed-And-Tasted Alive, people would have less disappointed, because that was what happened.

Rosolie and his team spent most of the two-hour special searching the Amazon for the Moby Dick of snakes—a 25-foot-beast that Rosolie had seen somewhere before, yet the producers didn't bother to track down in advance.

He ended up having to settle for a smaller, 20-foot giant anaconda that weighed 250 pounds. I'm no snake scientist, but if that was the only fact I knew about the snake, I'd say it seems a little small to attempt to swallow a full-grown man wearing a specially designed suit of snake armor. As it turned out, I would have been exactly correct.

It was 70 minutes into the special before they captured this lesser monster of the jungle, but Rosolie insisted on continuing his search for the great white whale green anaconda, which he encountered momentarily, but he was unable to subdue the huge snake, or at least to get it to sign a TV release form. Finally, with only 20 minutes left in the broadcast, Rosolie let himself be swallowed whole by the most vicious predator known to man: online disappointment.

Although the anaconda did indeed taste his head for a little while, the legless predator backed off because a.) it is not Chumana, snake of legend, and most real creatures are not big enough to swallow adult humans wearing armor whole, and b.) constrictors usually kill their prey first by crushing them, and Rosolie had not been crushed to death yet. Yet.

Despite all the attention paid to his armor, Rosolie had removed some of it when it was hampering his movement. Unsurprisingly, this left him open to being crushed by the anaconda, because that's how anacondas do. When Rosolie felt his arm begin to break under the pressure, he called in his team to remove the snake, and thus our adventure in the Amazon concluded. If you consider what he did on an absolute scale, he's a total badass. However, we were promised major total badass extreme by the Discovery Channel, so now he looks like a total dweeb.

Rosolie had hoped this would draw attention to the destruction of the Amazon. "I'm sick of watching forests burn," he told the New York Post. Well, check out Twitter, buddy. The only charred slash-and-burn wasteland there right now is the hashtag #EatenAlive.

Congrats, Allison Williams. Thanks to that puny 20-foot anaconda, the Internet monster forgot about you, and you managed to crawl out of its jaws alive. Close call.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Blue book

An argument at a Tim Hortons caused a customer to throw a snake at an employee.

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A snake in the pants is worth two in the bush. (Via Getty Images)

A man with a snake in his pants/ lets another grab it with his hands....

No, this isn't the start of a dirty limerick, this is the true story of how two customers handled their frustrations at a Tim Hortons.

According to the Calgary Herald, two 20-year-olds got into an argument with a Tim Horton's employee in Saskatoon because they were refused diced onions on the their breakfast sandwiches. The argument got heated, and in a moment of sheer surreality, one of the men grabbed a snake out of the other man's pants pocket and threw it at the employee.

Saskatoon police spokeswoman Alyson Edwards said that "the staff was shocked and afraid and fled the store."

Naturally.

Officers later found the snake and determined it was not venomous, but I still don't blame the employees for running out and screaming. I'd be less afraid of a tiny garter snake than the psychopaths who thought to fling it.

Who are these lunatics? Who walks around with a literal snake in their pocket? Does he usually keep it there as a joke for when he hits on women? Did they not have any attachment to their pet if they were willing to throw it into a fry kitchen? On what planet would someone want to trade a snake for diced onions?

Unfortunately we may never get satisfactory answers about these boys, although they are facing charges of mischief and causing a disturbance.

The snake is being kept in a temporary home until it can be released in the wild in the spring.

A man with a snake in his pants/
let another grab it with his hands/
They threw the poor thing/
to make everyone scream/
all because they had run out of rants.

(by Myka Fox)

Elephant in the room.

Walgreens has been selling Hanukah wrapping paper with swastikas all over it.

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Someone better catch a wrap for this.

Walgreens is pulling a line of Hanukah wrapping paper after one woman found it contained a bunch of swastikas in the design.

Carol Shapiro told NBC that she was shopping in the Hanukah section of a Walgreens in Northridge, California when she noticed that the decorative lines on the paper, chosen to be in blue and silver to represent the blue and white colors of Hanukah and the state of Israel, connected to create the Nazi swastika.


I did Nazi that coming.

"I couldn't believe my eyes, I had no idea what to do," Shapiro said. First she called her rabbi, and then prevailed upon the store's manager to remove all the rolls.

Apparently, Walgreens had been unaware of this problem, and they have have promised to recall all of the rolls, though so far they have been only found in one other location.

NBC referred to the emergent swastikas as a "design fail," but the word failure tends to describe something accidental. While not impossible, it's pretty hard to accidentally cover your wrapping paper in swastikas, and the fact that it appears on gift paper for a Jewish holiday makes it all the more suspicious.

As of yet, no one is named as the designer of this paper, but Walgreens should be on the lookout for a frustrated bigot who wasn't allowed to join the KKK because he had to go into his family's wrapping paper business.

(by Myka Fox)

Obama to appear on Colbert tonight after being zinged by him just hours earlier.

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I'm just kidding, he laughed. But this is how I think he looked inside.

For better or worse, there are only a few episodes left until the curtain falls on the Colbert Report on December 18th. What is for the better (hopefully for everyone) is that Colbert is kicking off this home stretch with a visit to D.C., a one-night-only "Victory Lap" (there's a much longer and funnier name for it, but I'll let you watch the video) where he will be sitting down with the leader of the free world, which you can watch tonight at 11:30 EST on Comedy Central.

As it turned out, however, Stephen was in the capital a night early to give a tribute to Yo-Yo Ma at the Kennedy Center Honors ceremony. While he was on stage, however, he couldn't resist taking an early shot at the President before the big appearance

"The most powerful and influential person in the world, Michelle Obama," said Colbert, in case you missed it. "There she is, looking radiant, on camera next to the President. Which I assume means she has no future plans to run for office. There are a lot of Democrats who don't have that courage."

Of course, I'd say the President is probably the one taking the bigger risk sharing the stage as Colbert's red-blooded persona reaches his finale. Check out this retrospective of Colbert's greatest rants against the Prez, or simply re-live his reaction to his election way back on aught-eight (oh, how the world was young).

(by Johnny McNulty)


This drunk dude locked himself in a bathroom stall and got out in spectacular fashion.

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Bathroom break.

If you ever find yourself locked in a bar bathroom stall because you're too wasted to work the latch, your options are kind of limited. Most people in that situation would probably just bite the bullet and crawl under the stall. You'll probably get your clothes messy, but if you've just used the bathroom in that condition, odds are you've already got piss on your pants. At least the crawl will provide you with a plausible excuse. Plus, you'd be out before a crowd had time to gather to see for themselves if the story of the guy too drunk to get out of the bathroom stall was true.

The guy in this clip went a different route, and became a legend.

Considering how drunk he was, it's amazing he was able to climb as high as he did. But the glory was short-lived, and the situation quickly went from "He got it. He got it. He got it." to "Oh shit, son!"

The best part of the video is him strolling from the wreckage with his fedora still in place, as if he was headed back to the bar to celebrate having solved the bar's stall door problem. It's such a ridiculous scene that the bouncer was probably still smiling when he tossed the guy out the bar's front door.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

12-year-old dog has learned exactly how to empty out master's fridge & freezer.

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"Sigh. I really need to tell them to switch to Whole Foods."

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but they fail to mention that old dogs already have a lot of tricks that you don't even know about. Tricks like eating everything in the fridge and freezer and leaving your master absolutely baffled as to how you even did it (this requires a lot of playing dumb when humans are around, I guess). That's what this one 12-year-old yellow lab, named Allie, was doing to her owner when he finally decided to set up a camera to catch her. As it turns out, Allie's techniques were direct, but effective. She really quite literally empties out almost the entire fridge and freezer (after spilling the trash can, of course).

I don't mean to judge, but Allie looks like a padlock on that fridge might not be the worst thing for her figure. On the other hand, that might make her agile enough to get into the cabinets.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Justin Bieber finally decided to look as awful as he seems.

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It somehow makes the sports car look subdued and tasteful in comparison.
(via Justin Bieber on Instagram)

There are a lot of stories about how people under extreme stress wake up to discover their hair has suddenly turned white, but Justin Bieber may be the first instance of someone who was so constantly a public douchebag and nuisance (see: the terrified and probably illegal monkey he abandoned in Berlin) that their hair spontaneously gave itself a harsh peroxide job. Or, he dyed it. But I like to think that this is just Bieber's body responding to his behavior and broadcasting his toxic personality the way poison dart frogs are bright red so birds know they're deadly to eat. According to a source close to the Biebs, he said about his hair "now I am going to find out if blondes really do have more fun," which does not disprove my theory.


The inside of that hat has now been sterilized by whatever is in his hair.
(via Justin Bieber on Instagram

Hopefully, this bright display of obnoxiousness will warn humans away from associating with him.

(by Johnny McNulty)

These poor bubbles don't stand a chance against a vicious fox.

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Is "fennec" Latin for "chubby"?

How many calories are in a bubble? Not trying to be rude, but Amir the fennec fox seems kind of chunky. Maybe he just appears pudgy because his face is so small. Then again, he's got the ears of an animal ten times his size, so who knows. Either way, it's a good thing the people who care for him at the Reid Park Zoo in Arizona have incorporated this bubble-chasing workout routine into his schedule, because he seems so harmless and docile it's hard to imagine him catching bubbles on his own in the wild.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Better to give.

6 new contenders for the single most enjoyable note ever written by a coworker.

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As if he had to mention he was Canadian.(via)

Adults are basically just children who've grown fat, watched their dreams die, and learned to shrink from confrontation. So it follows that the modern workplace is just as petty and territorial as your typical elementary school playground, except there's a lot less spitting and hair-pulling, and a lot more bitchy note-writing. The most successful workplace notes strive to entertain just as much as they impolitely advise and chastise, and the notes collected here are some of the best of the medium.

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In the event of an earthquake, the bathroom isn't a bad place to be.(via)

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When quitting, a good rule of thumb is a 2,000 calorie notice.(via)

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Or as "healthy" as Cup Noodles get.(via)

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Lukas might want to update his resume 4 days ago.(via)

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At least a beating would be quicker and more exciting.(via)

(updated 12.08.14)


Got a problem with it? Talk to Annette.(via)

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Eat the cupcake, your kid will never know. (via)

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How about Cocktor Pepper? (via)

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Someone's on the Candy Crush Diet.(via)

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As if the French Bread Pizza Bandit would ever bother to read that.(via)

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That kind of sounds like your problem, Tony.(via)



Funny one, 90s kid.(via)

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Notes are a great way to spot a place with great job security.(via)

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The part about it being a high tech company wasn't even necessary.(via)

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Even if it were, I wouldn't take it from that sink. (via)

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A tribute to DeFrost Kelley.(via)

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I bet some of that medication is missing.(via)

(updated 9.08.14)


Clearly the work of a career food thief.(via)


Can never be sure when you work at Disney.(via)

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The time on the microwave speaks volumes.(via)

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Thanks, but I've already got a paper strips guy.(via)

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The law offices of Passive, Aggressive and Annoying.(via)

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"So it is written, so it shall be flushed."(via)

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"That's so funny, because I lick your pens too!" (via)

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Recurring dreams go in the blue bin.(via)

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Nice thought, especially considering the source.(via)

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You'd think at this point it would be up for grabs.(via)

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Thanks, but that doesn't really solve the problem.(via)

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It's not what you think - a guy named "Jack" took a half-day.
To masturbate.
(via)

Updated 8.11.14


Episode VIII: The Cubicle Menace.(via)

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Caution: Faint while using the urinal and you'll never hear the end of it.(via)



Gas station spelling error. It's supposed to say "Pimp 6."(via)



For Rachel's sake, I hope she's leaving.(via)



Asking for trouble in a mostly female office.(via)



"Wide awake... staring at this blank screen." (via)

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Who do I see about getting a glass of milk?(via)



That is one low bar for "nice things."(via)



Keep it up and the printer will outlast you.(via)



"Thanks for reminding me.. to let it gooooo!"(via)


Don't encourage them!(via)

Never forget 5.05.14(via)

Updated 6.10.14

"I'd actually prefer to speak with your commanding officer." (via)

So you're saying it's organic? (via)



Someone's making this way too complicated. (via)



Time to strat over. (via)



Saying goodbye with cat litter box cake.(via)


"Oh my God! I'm spilling my coffee everywhere!"(via)


Thanks! How about an aisle traffic report? (via)


And productivity is down.(via)


This must not be the first time the pot was left empty.(via)


"Yes! I can do this!"(via)


This is the storyboard for Taken 9: Office Hijinks.(via)


Two weeks later I bet it's still sitting there. (via)

Updated 4/16/14


"You mean the one with the reindeers and all the fingerprints?" (via)


Also good for sending passive aggressive messages to grimy coworkers.(via)


Whether it's toilet seats or soup, no one likes a cold bowl.(via)


As an optimist, I'm guessing cupcake.(via)


One is obviously for the personal use of the genius who wrote the note. (via)


Ew! He didn't even lift up the seat!(via)


Coffee burn!(via)


Lee should report Steve's "XO" to HR.(via)


As an optimist, I see the sink as half-empty.(via)


It's "demasiado," dum-mas. (via)


Every picture tells a story. This one looks disgusting. (via)


I guess "please flush" wasn't doing the trick.(via)

Updated 2/10/14:


Please make sure your kitchen notes adhere to AP style, thx. (Via)


Easier than trying to figure out what that little icon on the tray is supposed to mean.(Via)


Fine, we'll pass the time by touching each other.(Via)


Betting those messy dishes are less unsightly than a wall full of memes.(Via)


Of course she did. Even expired Rolos are still better than non-expired everything else. (Via)


Well, Luke, thanks for all the hours you've logged. (Via)

Updated 11/19/13:


All is forgiven, Lee. Easy on the sprinkles next time. This isn't kindergarten. (Via)


Printers don't have mothers. They burst forth from hell and land directly on Best Buy shelves.(Via)


They need to stop hiring out-of-work wizards onto the cleaning staff.(Via)


Darcy might have an eating disorder. Or he needs a raise. (Via)


Bet they have to put up a new sign come January.(Via)


I'd never complain about meetings running long if they were run by Bussiness Cat. (Via)

Update 10/16/13:


Still doesn't look secure. He should have put the filing cabinet on top of it for weight.



Guess some people like to make signs at the urinal instead of conversation.


A pen so awesome it will make you racist against yourself.


A delicious treat and it makes you regular? Sign us up!


Don't fall for the sign. They eat donuts really awkwardly too.


I like this office. They don't mess around.

Updated 9/19/13:


...and coffee is the only thing that puts us back together.


She went out of her way to make such a nice sign. She porbably appreciates the notes.


Probably a restaurant. Anyone with a special "pasta fridge" in their office has no right to be angry.


No, honey, I haven't been kissing anyone. I've just been stealing food.


Did she spell "highness" wrong? Or "You're"?


Worst. Day care center. Ever.

Updated 8/20/13:


I'd brew me. I'd brew me so hard.


Offices shouldn't be telling us how to love!


Open casket. It woud have wanted it that way.


The signs are breeding.


Say yes indeed to weed.


They really need to clean that vending room if it's got a groundhog problem.

Updated 7/24/13:


Alert. Pointless Signs!


If you'd taught the kitten to attack, the Tupperware thief would have been dead already.


Hopefully our time machines will be more reliable than our copy machines.


We all have our signature style.


The TL;DR version of the above.


Speak for yourself. My nickels give me balance.

Updated 6/27/13:


Physician, heal thyself.


You've got to really love stealing office equipment if you're taking the drains.


We'd risk our job for half an oreo.


Side-note: Keurig coffeee is always horrible. We'd quit if they started making us use those K-cups.


So medium-sized poos are cool?


If you know the author of this sign, withold your love from them. They are undeserving of love.

Updated 5/31/13:


Thanks for the choices! We'll take option B.



This is why we don't let our utensils date.


Follow the old ladies. They know where the comfier chairs are.


Or just burst in. It's adorable watching them scurry under their desks.


But we took the red pill! You have no choice when you work in an office.

Updated 4/11/13:


You mean besides cut-up chickens, pigs, cows, and probably horses if this is Europe?


"Pardon me, I was just wondering where I could get one of those signs!"


Some people give a shit; others take them without warning during the work day.


Office communications are so much clearer when there's clearly no HR.


Sounds like a cheesy cheddar challenge! ...aaaand there's a fire.


That chair wanted to hold the ass of a big start-up entrepeneur, but she got an IT guy.

Updated 3/11/13:


This is why we microchipped all our pens. Too many sickos out there.


Memes: The best passive-aggressive retort there is.


Maybe we should all just switch to "Ur" for everything and stop embarrassing ourselves.


I'm sorry. Your husband didn't put a lid on his reheated pasta. Now you have to pay.


He might have fun. He might also discover who he was meant to be.


This note is also works great when you put it on the office door of your least favorite coworker.

Updated 1/28/13:


When will Serge and Wendall stop this bickering and realize they're in love...with pee?


Please try to achieve the level of joylessness that's expected of you.


The plate kidnapped itself, Lebowski. It owed crumbs all over town.


We were going to drop some M-80s down its drain, but the sledgehammer sounds fun too.


If our workplace instituted this rule we'd strike.


The zombie thing is cute, but does the original sign mean you could really lose your job for eating someone's hot pocket?

Updated 12/10/12:


That stuff really works, btw. We can steal Karen's yogurt whenever we want now!


It's worth the $18/hour. Sandra is an absolutely scintillating conversationalist. You'll weep.


That drain sucks!


They still don't know who shot that room.


Matt doesn't have a whole lot going on for himself right now.


These facility repairs will be seen as cheesy at first, but will attain a cult status when they hit video.


Fran will devote the rest of her days to making you shit too much.

Updated 10/10/12:


"Did you see Homeland last night? It made me reflect on Plato's Cave and ideal forms."


The prophet Isiah said one day a female Messiah shall deliver women from Aunt Flo.


Dietary harassment is a growing problem in the modern, fat workforce.


That mug is the reason local news now shows Ceramic Alerts.


Something tells us that guy likes to push everyone's buttons a lot.


After all, if you don't throw out the box, no one else can put in food to steal.


That lack of self-control also applies to resisting the urge to write passive-agressive notes.

Posted 9/13/12:

Updated 7/24/12:

Updated 6/22/12:

Updated 5/29/12:

Updated 4/23/12:

Updated 3/6/12:

Updated 2/17/12:

Updated 2/6/12:

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Updated 1/20/12:

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Updated 1/3/12:

Updated 12/19/11:

Updated 11/22/11:

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Home for Christmas.


Barack Obama took over last night's "Colbert Report" and delivered his own version of "The Word."

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And he even broke out a subtle "Not Bad" face.

In what might unfortunately be remembered as the highlight of his second term, Barack Obama appeared on last night's D.C. episode of The Colbert Report. Before sitting down for an interview, the President popped out early to boot Colbert from his own desk and deliver the much-loved "The Word" segment, renamed "The Decree" to recognize it's executive branch status.

With a mix of light jabs at himself and his patented "Obamacare works" brags, the President proved once again that he's the most accomplished comedian to sit in the White House since Roosevelt (dude worked with props too much for my taste). Larry Wilmore has to be happy that his contract to take over the time slot is already nailed down, since a career in comedy is most likely in the cards for Obama come 2016, when his wife gets some distance from him and starts campaigning for 2020.

(by Bob Powers)

Beyonce and Jay Z met those other royals at the Nets game last night.

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CAPTion

Worlds collided last night at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. The Nets lost to the Cavaliers, but the fans were thrilled anyway by the presence of the Queen of Pop, the King of Hip Hop, and the Duke and Duchess of York.

Beyonce and Jay Z were sitting courtside, and Prince William and Kate Middleton joined them during the third quarter. Between the third and fourth quarters, the two famous couples met on the court and shook hands while smiling.

Can't you just hear those lovely British accents asking politely, "And what do you do?"

Just kidding, of course. Will's a big fan of hip-hop, as everyone knows who's googled if Will's a big fan of hip-hop.

Anyway, it was all very exciting. Let's hope it doesn't steal all the attention away from the Nets and Cavaliers cool joint move of wearing "I Can't Breathe" t-shirts in support of Eric Garner. Apparently, Jay Z provided his team with the shirts, and Lebron James and Kyrie Irving of the Cavaliers also wore them during warm-ups.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Here's a woman twerking her boobs to "Jingle Bells," in case you weren't already feeling festive.

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Christmas is saved...for pervs.

Are you having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit? It happens. The sales and the holiday specials all just kind of blend together, and you just aren't feeling it. Then one magical day, as if overnight shipped from the North Pole itself, you spot a girl in a Santa Hat twerking her boobs to 'Jingle Bells' and you fall head over heels into "God bless us, everyone" mode.

The star of the video is one Sara X Mills, and she's giving Terry Crews a run for his money in the chest-flesh mastery game ever since she attained the ability to make her boobs bounce hands-free following an augmentation procedure. She made a big splash a month ago when she presented her talent for boob-twerking to Mozart, earning over 33 million views and counting:

(by Bob Powers)

Today's YouTube stars quickly explain why Homestar Runner is the most important Internet star ever.

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But mostly Strong Bad. Just kidding. Mostly The Cheat.

10 years ago, if you hadn't heard of Homestar Runner, it meant you were a decrepit and smelly old person who had no place on the exciting new world of the Internet. Now, if you haven't heard of Homestar Runner, it means you are an insufferable little larva who has no respect for the rich history and tradition of the grand societal institution that is the Internet. Fortunately, one of today's YouTube stars, Hank Green of vlogbrothers fame, has temporarily taken over YouTuber Footofaferret's show, Brief History, to give a 1990s-2000s history lesson about the Brothers Chaps and the days of Trogdor, Sbemail, and the Poopsmith.

In all seriousness, as they point out, Homestar popularized the idea that producing funny content on the web was a viable way of life, and its success proved that the audience was there. You would not have your Pewdiepies or many of the other megastars of today who will eventually need their own two-minute clip to be explained to kids who were born in 2005. Without Homestar, all those people would simply have been...delteeted.

If you've never looked around your day job and felt a twinge of sympathy for the Poopsmith, you are probably young enough that you need to watch this video. And then you need to go to Homestarrunner.com and check out several days worth of Flash animation. Don't forget to click around for Easter eggs at the end! That's what made the Internet cool.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Video of selfie-obsessed woman makes much more sense when dubbed with a nature documentary narration.

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The mating ritual of this species is sometimes strange and counter-intuitive.

Self-awareness is the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals. Selfie-awareness, on the other hand, is the ability to recognize oneself as a super hot individual worthy of photographic adoration without awareness of the environment or other individuals.

While the list of self-aware creatures is as many as ten animals (humans, orangutans, chimpanzees, gorillas, bottlenose dolphins, elephants, orcas, bonobos, rhesus macaques, and European magpies,), the list of those with selfie awareness is limited only to humans with Instagram accounts.

Here we have footage of one such human in her natural habitat, a hotel pool, wearing the uniform of her tribe which is commonly called a "bikini." She spends agonizing minutes posing for her camera, but will she recognize that she is really only posing for herself?

Astonishing! What a fine example in our latest step up the evolutionary ladder.

(by Myka Fox)

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