Also helpful for figuring out what sort of carolers you've got on your hands.

Christmas means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, so it makes sense that there are a lot of different types of Christmas songs. There are solemn, Jesus-focused songs like "Silent Night"; fun, lighthearted songs like "Jingle All The Way"; and kinda rapey songs like "Baby, It's Cold Outside."

When you're looking for just the right song this holiday season, use this helpful diagram by MJ Wesner, which classifies songs according to whether they're more about Santa or more about Jesus, and whether they're more melancholy or more jolly.

Looking for a jolly song about Jesus? Try "Joy to the World." Want something melancholy about Santa Claus? Give a listen to "Please Come Home For Christmas."

Sigh. So good.

Great bread and polite service. He'll definitely be back.

If you think possums are really cute and have wondered what it might be like to have one as a pet, then you'll appreciate this video. Sure, they're adorable, but they also appear to be strong-willed and poor listeners who are terrible at taking direction. Especially when being directed to leave a cozy kitchen and go outside in December. That's certainly the case with the possum in this video, who broke into this British guy's house to nosh on some bread. Once there, he decided to make himself at home, despite several polite requests that he leave. After some gentle nudging with a wooden spoon, the little guy finally picks up the hint that the bread party is over and it's not cool for him to crash.

It's too bad the incredibly chill possum had to leave. Because he and the incredibly affable Brit seem perfect for each other.

Yeah, Santa. We all know what it is.

Just so you don't get your hopes up or anything, I want to let you know that I'm going to break blogging protocol here and avoid any holiday-themed sex puns as I introduce this actual ad for Lion's Den Adult Superstore, which is parodying the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey film adaptation. So, I won't be writing anything about "spreading Christmas cheer" or "stuffing stockings with care." There will be no potentially offensive "ho, ho, ho" jokes, nor will there be discussion of how hard it actually would be to cram oneself into a place through the narrow and dirty chimney. No talk of dangling of colored balls, nor licking of candy canes. You're better than that! You don't need it.

Instead, I will simply suggest that you enjoy this humorous video with a quiet dignity befitting your station as a distinguished Internet denizen:

My one critique of this commercial is it's a tad long for a TV spot. It could probably do with a little trim.

Get this girl some chap stick.

The Internet has fallen in love with hood jam connie, which is a lot more than the 10-year-old was reaching for.

Her Vine, meant to win only one heart, that of hood jam james, includes a lot of uncomfortable lip-licking, eye-inking, and throwing up the deuces, all set to a jazzy beat. She sent her dispatch out with the caption "for my baby hood jam james (winky-face emoji, side-eye emoji), but it ended up being for everyone else. (Click the bottom right for sound)

While the rest of her Vines are decidedly innocent, you can watch the number of loops scroll to well past ten million in the bottom left corner of her love note. Her popularity indicates that the entire Internet is trying to understand if they are watching awkward adolescenet flailing, or the next Disney sanctioned sex-bot. In their effort to deal with the pre-teen communique, she has become a meme.

Grown women want to be her.

Guys wanna be her, too.

Some people can't handle her action.

But I think this one represents her as the Christmas miracle we know she is.

Sadly by the looks of his profile photo, it seems like her crush, hood jam james, is taken. :(

That's alright, Connie. You're still so young, and I feel like the potato-flew-around-my-room-guy is really perfect for you.

a.k.a. "It Was Christmas Eve"

I'm gonna make this short, because, really, who has the time? Clement Clarke Moore's "Twas the Night Before Christmas" is a decent enough poem, but it definitely runs a little on the long side, at least in part because of its antiquated phrasing and outdated references to things like "sugar-plums" and "coursers" that just confuse modern readers.

Nick Offerman did all us busy holiday revelers a great service and solved those problems when he delivered this updated and shortened version of the poem on the Tonight Show last night. The whole thing is over in 30 seconds flat, which is perfect for my schedule.

I took the liberty of cutting past the 40-second intro and getting right to the reading, because, come on: tick tick tick...

Starts out in all caps, but cools down after a few words.

Are you or someone you love currently experiencing a roach infestation? Do you feel alternately disgusted, angry, or ashamed?

First of all, it's not your fault. Secondly, here's a way of battling them that you may not have thought of. Do what this guy did and start collecting roaches you find and releasing them into your apartment's leasing office.

Below is the text of a note found "taped to my apartment's leasing office door" by redditor Biggie_Smaltese but taken down within ten minutes.

I have had roaches since I moved in. I have started catching them in the middle of the night and releasing them into your office. I killed this little guy but let his other 4 buddies under your door. This is not my first compliant [sic]. I expect a rent reduction and will be calling the health inspector for the city of Houston first thing in the morning. From this point on, I will make a point to release roaches into your office during business hours and inform all "potential" [ed note: not sure why "potential is in quotation marks] residents of the infestation. Rent reduction. I expect to hear from you by noon.

[Cockroach] [Name redacted]

This is fucking repulsive and I should not have to eat and sleep in such filth.

Slow clap.

If you've ever suffered the indignity of an ongoing roach problem, you are probably standing up on your chair and cheering right now. You're also probably seeing a movement out of the corner of your eye and freaking out, because you have roach PTSD.

I once had a roach crawl up my jeans while I was washing dishes—Life in the Big Apple is so full of quirks!—and I didn't figure out what that tickling was behind my knee for like ten minutes. Needless to say, I now constantly think there's a roach crawling up my pants. If you know what that feels like, then you, like me, are probably rooting for this guy and his disgusting mission.

I don't know how he collects live roaches and I don't want to know. I just want him to get the extermination help he needs and that we all deserve. Godspeed, Roach Man.

Little game hunter.

"Take the shot! Wait, don't take the shot! Taking the shot is a terrible idea!" That's what most people will think while watching this video of a kid attempting to shoot a mouse with a BB gun. At least anyone with enough sense to know that an indoor hunter is more likely to take out a television or his own eye than whatever game he happens to be after. Fortunately for everyone involved, which, amazingly, seem to include the kid's parents, the situation turned out a lot funnier than it easily could have.

In the end, no harm was done to the mouse or the kid, unless you factor in the brutal ball-busting he's in for at school as the squealing star of a viral video.

What the friendship?

The climax to this short clip is so unexpected and delightful that I don't want to spoil the ending. The YouTube clip is called Two Friends On A Great Adventure. Go ahead, look at the picture and try to figure out how it will end... done? Wrong! Or at least I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

How great was that? You were surprised, right? If not, then you should be pitching ideas to Disney, because your heart is filled with joy and your mind somehow hasn't been warped by Internet videos.

Of course, because it's a security camera set up on a Russian street, the most surprising thing about it is that something terrifying didn't happen. No doubt one of those totally "WTF Russia?" scenes probably happened within moments of this one. That's why we love them.

5. The Virginia cop who stashed confiscated weed in his home.

(via Thinkstock)

Richmond, Virginia K-9 officer Joe Avila not only makes cops look bad, he makes stoners look bad. Several pounds of marijuana Avila was supposed to have deposited in an evidence locker somehow wound up at his house. After confiscating the weed from a UPS store as part of an investigation, he radioed the station to say he would bringing it by, but changed his mind along the way and decided to store the pot at his house instead. Maybe he had a spare room he wasn't using and figured he was doing everyone a favor. Or, maybe he's suffering from a medical condition—like, a really severe one—and saw himself as a victim of Virginia's tough stance against medicinal weed. Or, he's just a bad cop who should be fired. So far, he's just been put on paid administrative leave.

4. The New Jersey school principal who failed to notice a terribly misspelled sign.

(via Facebook)

Every one of us makes spelling errors. There's a decent chance I'll make one or two in this paragraph. That said, hoo boy. The ones that Paterson, New Jersey public school principal Antoinette Young failed to catch in a giant sign hanging near an entrance to the school were really, really bad. In her defense, she didn't create the sign, which included the almost-words "Dicember" and "reepor." However, c'mon! The sign stayed that way for days before someone noticed. Unfortunately for Young, the person who noticed decided to post a picture of it on Facebook, adding "How can we expect our children to learn how to spell when the administration can't??" A school board might normally let something like that slide, but Young was already "under review" for performance issues. For now, she's been "reassigned." Hopefully to a job that doesn't require a lot of writing.

3. The Nordstrom worker who advocated killing police officers on Facebook.

(via Twitter)

Any successful company appreciates employees who can come up with fresh solutions to old problems. But when the business is retail clothing, the "outside the box" ideas they're looking for don't involve shooting police officers. That's why Aaron Hodges of Portland, Oregon is no longer employed by Nordstrom. In a recent Facebook post, he proposed a solution to the ongoing problem between cops and people of color, suggesting that "Every time an unarmed black man is killed, you kill a decorated white officer, on his doorstep in front of his family." The post may have picked up a few likes, but not by the people at Nordstrom. Especially since he listed them as his employer right under his profile picture. On Sunday, Young's manager called to inform him that he was free to post whatever he liked, because he was fired.

2. The middle school teacher who packed eleven kids into her car for a trip to Walmart for snacks.

(via Facebook)

The only good news to come out of this story about a Catoosa, Oklahoma middle school teacher and her students is that a Honda Accord can fit eleven children and one adult! Not comfortably, mind you, but in a pinch, it appears they can be accommodated. Heather Cagle found that out after she decided to take a bunch of kids on an impromptu field trip to Walmart for snacks. There were two kids riding in the front seat, seven in the back, and two more crammed into the trunk. None of the kids complained. Why would they? Her students would've been happy walking to Walmart if it meant snack shopping instead of sitting in a boring class room. The kids' parents, however, were decidedly less happy. That led to school board members voting to fire Cagle on Wednesday.

1. Dov Charney, the creepy CEO of creepy clothing company American Apparel.

(via Getty)

The most shocking thing about learning that Dov Charney was finally canned by American Apparel is that he managed to hang onto his job as CEO as long as he did. Over the years, the pervy founder of the clothing store managed to turn sexual misconduct into the company brand. But board members, who stood by him through several lawsuits and countless allegations of skeevy behavior with female employees, seem to have finally had enough. He was let go this week "for cause." As in, "cause we're sick of being embarrassed to tell people where we work."

If his name is Pitt, don't let him acquit. (via Getty Images)

Handsome dreamboat Brad Pitt honored his civic duty last Friday by showing up to L.A. county courthouse after being called in for jury duty, but was rejected for being too "distracting."

According to a source for The Daily Mail, Pitt thought serving as a juror "would be interesting," but that he was "was hoping he might get picked to serve on a short case."

Apparently, he wanted to get home to Angelina, who is ailing with a rare adult case of the chicken pox, which is a common misdiagnosis for "I don't want to talk to paparazzi about being called a spoiled brat disease."

He didn't get to serve at all, though.

In what the Daily Mail is calling an "exclusive interview," LA attorney William R. Lively tells them what could be gathered from anyone involved in the legal process where celebrities live, and that is, "in most cases as soon as it's discovered that a potential juror is a major celebrity, that person is dismissed, but that is not always the case."

It was the case for Handsome dad Brad.

Lively went on to say "you just can't stick Brad Pitt in a jury box and expect 11 jurors to ignore him. It's only natural that those jurors would be watching to see how Brad reacts to what's being said and that they could be influenced by his opinions once the jury goes behind closed doors to render a verdict."

So the court system made him hang out for hours before they sent him on his way, denied. Spit out of the legal system like the Pitt that he is.

Everyone has a right to a trial by a jury of their peers, and that's just not Brad. He's better than everyone. He couldn't even serve on a jury in a case trying B-listers like Brenden Frasier or Neve Campbell. He's just too cool.

Don't worry, Brad baby. One day the LA court system is going to see some real talent like Leo or Miley brought up on charges, and you'll have your day in court.

This is the single best promo shot for the movie I've seen yet.

If you haven't had time to read up on all the twists and turns in the saga of North Korea's cyberattack on Sony, you can finally get caught up to speed in the next 3 minutes. The Taiwanese news animators from TomoNews have been delighting audiences at home and across the Internet for years now with their oddball CGI re-enactments of major news stories, but the incredibly weird and funny (if it wasn't so depressing) story of how North Korea brought Sony Pictures to its knees over The Interview is maybe the most perfect subject for this insane treatment yet. There is no way that movie will be nearly as off-the-wall as the truth has been.

Except it's probably not a set-up, at least, not according to the FBI.

If you want to read more, here's our most up-to-date story on the subject: George Clooney sent fellow Hollywood bigshots a petition to resist the Sony hackers. No one signed.

Originally published Feb 19, 2014.

"Let's send out a press release about this meme. Type it up and copy it onto Silly Putty."
(via reddit)

Some random father out there posted a nice photo of his baby eating breakfast on Facebook. Then, as friends do, a friend of his took the picture and put it on reddit, saying he couldn't help but imagine the baby saying "Look, tell Clyde he's a dumbass... and then fire him." Which, to be fair, is exactly what it looks like he's saying. Reddit agreed with him, and turned this baby into the most exciting new kid meme since the 60-Year-Old Girl.

Still, this should serve as a good lesson to parents of young children out there: if you insist on having the right to pollute our Facebook pages with your pudgy-faced progeny, everyone else reserves the right to turn them into hilarious memes which may or may not affect their self-esteem some day.

He's got a good grip on the concepts of black vs. red, though. (via)

To be coddled like an infant and listened to like a god is the goal of all executives. (via)

Although the images were all made by different people, nevertheless an interesting little subplot involving "Susan" emerged:

lt's pretty sexist that the only woman mentioned is his assistant, but he's an
old-fashioned business baby, I guess. (via)

"Tell the intern to come in."(via)

WHOA! You kiss your mother with that mouth?!(via)

Cold-hearted and grammatically challenged... you ARE cut out for executive life.(via)

You can't deny that Business Baby knows how to play hardball.

He may not have object permanence, but he has objective permanence. (via)

Sorry, Jerry, but this company needs you like a sippy cup needs a bottom hole. (via)

Fast-forward 50 years...nothing has changed.(via)

Last guy who did that got spit up on. (via)

They don't call Murphy "The Clean-Up Guy" for nothing. (via)



That movie was obscene considering the number of muppets in it. (via)

That information is classified to Play Area 51. (via)

This little guy is notorious for giving people the crawlaround. (via)

Great, Elmo always makes a scene. (via)

Johnson's still driving a Fisher Price! (via)

"Turns out it's Jaden. I'm as surprised as you are, sir." (via)

A couple of super nice ladies.

Hey, so did Bill Murray ever win an Academy Award? You know, for that one movie he was in? What was that movie? Wait, you don't mean the new movie he's in? What's that one called? And don't you think he's a shoe-in for an Oscar for that one? Hold on, are we talking about the new one or the old one?

These are just a few of the questions that will kind of sort of be answered when Mitch Lewis and Nik Kazoura—of the sketch group The Kloons—lip sync a random conversation between Kazoura's mother and aunt:

Check out more of the Kloons' lip-syncing brilliance.

"Wait, were there always this many puppies? I'm a dog; I can't count."

You think this mother husky isn't tired? Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how physically and emotionally draining it is to be a dog mom? She's gotta keep all her kids fed, and teach them how to protect the house from vicious squirrels and murderous mailmen. She's got to show them the best places to nap and the most valuable household items to chew.

And yet she still finds the time to play with her puppies. Because that's what good dog moms do.

Supreme Lager.

Uh oh! Now you did it, Kim Jong-un. With all those shenanigans you've been playing recently with Sony Pictures and The Interview, you've managed to piss off a Dutch brewing company called Bavaria. I wouldn't laugh this off if I was you, Supreme Leader. We're talking about the second largest producer of beer in the entirety of the Netherlands. Yeah, I mean, this is a big deal.

Anyway, just look what they did. They've signaled their annoyance by repurposing some North Korean newsreel footage to turn you into a spokesperson for them:

Don't let this escalate, Supreme Leader. Next thing you know, you'll be hawking double bocks for them. End this now!

"That thing from my dreams!"

When the writers of The Ellen DeGeneres Show decided to pitch the idea of a dancing reindeer for the holiday season to the show's producers, they were probably thinking, "Eh, it's not the most amazing idea, but I'm sure someone will like it."

What they never could have predicted was that a cute little girl named Emma would love that dancing reindeer better than life itself:

Playing it cool is not one of his strong suits.

The puppy in this video is you whenever you see...

a.) A sale on bourbon.

b.) A political Facebook status update that you haven't trolled the crap out of yet.

c.) The cute guy with the artfully arranged braids working the "whiff samples counter" at the Vape shop.

d.) A Rizzoli and Isles marathon just getting started on TNT.

e.) All of the above.

It's been spreading quite a bit over the weekend, spreading fast enough that it's already got a soundtrack.