One woman's two years worth of trash is another woman's two hours worth. (via Kickstarter)

How much trash have you produced already today? Once you start to add it up, it's kind of terrifying how quickly we create garbage. I've been sitting at my desk most of the day, and I've already managed to throw away a wet plastic grocery bag, the packaging from a toy, a plastic envelope that arrived in the mail, and more.

New York Magazine has an interview up today with a woman who can fit all the trash she's produced in the last two years in a mason jar. Lauren Singer, a 23-year-old with a degree in Environmental Studies, attempts to live her life with "zero waste." What she can't reuse, recycle, or compost, goes in the jar. It's mostly "packaging" from food, with the occasionally plastic straw.

Lauren blogs about going trash-free at Trash is for Tossers. Among other things, she describes her glee at getting a wooden toilet bowl cleaner. It's the little things.

Now, Lauren wants to spread the no-trash love. She launched a Kickstarter to fund The Simply Co., which will produce a three-ingredient laundry detergent. They've already been funded (and then some) and sold out of the product.

For people who want to go trash-free themselves, Lauren has three big pieces of advice: 1) figure out what's in your garbage so you can start to reduce it; 2) do some easy switches like reusable grocery bags instead of plastic bags; and 3) start making your own household cleaning and beauty products.

Even if you fail at producing zero waste, you'll have a ball making your loved ones feel bad about how wasteful they are.

The Brazilian ambulance chaser.

When the owner of this loyal little dog was picked up by an ambulance after having an epileptic seizure, the crew spotted the dog chasing after their vehicle as they left the scene. Instead of driving off and leaving the pooch behind, the crew pulled over and let the dog hop in and accompany his friend to the hospital. The fact that the crew even noticed the dog—let alone stopped to pick him up—is hopefully a sign that it wasn't a life or death situation. Because if it was, this cute clip might wind up being "Exhibit A" in the case of Seizure Patient vs The Most Irresponsible Ambulance Crew Ever.

'Sup, bras? (Via SCMP)

Police have arrested a man, ironically with the last name Tang, for stealing over 2,000 pairs of women's used underwear. Police have not said how they determined that this underwear was "used."

Shanghaiist reports that the maintenance worker at the man's apartment building discovered the man's perversions when a false ceiling above some fire exits fell under the weight of so much lingerie.

This is a year's work of the man, who went sneaking around the neighborhood of Guangxi province in China with what SCMP is calling a "master key" to unlock over 750 residences in Yulin City. Much like the Grinch on Christmas, he snuck around removing his treasures, but instead of stealing teddy bears and twinkling lights, he stole teddies and crotchless tights.

The problem with collecting stamps is that you can't lick them. (Via Shanghaiist)

In a crime like this, all dogs are contraband sniffing dogs. (Via Shanghaiist)

Here police have the man's haul laid out on the sidewalk for everyone to see. They really did such a meticulous job with the stolen underwear, sorting them by type and color. The number of undergarments he stole was in the thousands.

Shanghaiist also noted that the panty pervert has made a confession since his discovery, claiming that, "he has had a mental illness since he was young boy, and doesn't know when his obsession with stealing women's underwear started."

That's nice. It must be such a relief for a man who has a perversion with dirty underwear to come clean.

Bravo, Anderson.

Kelly Ripa and Anderson Cooper were both guests on Bravo's Watch What Happens Live last night. Being a veteran host of her own show, Andy Cohen handed Kelly the reins to grill her good friend Anderson in a question and answer game called Plead the Fifth. The way the game is played, the person being questioned can refuse to answer one of the three questions put to them. Obviously, they could refuse to answer any of them, because Watch What Happens Live doesn't have any legal authority to make them, but not doing so would kind of make you look like a wet blanket.

Kelly set Anderson up with the first question, asking him which of his CNN coworkers irritated him the most: Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, or Jake Tapper. Even though Anderson was probably thinking Don Lemon, he went with his gut as a professional nice guy and "pleaded the fifth," using up his one chance to remain silent. That left an opening for Kelly, who used the opportunity to find out if having the body of a juicing little leaguer made her more attractive to gay men than her husband. She asked Anderson, "Who would you rather have sex with, Mark Consuelos or me?"

Anderson handled the situation very well. Especially when you consider that he can barely keep it together on this own show. Instead of turning the tables and and quizzing Kelly about whether or not she understood the basics of homosexuality, he gave her a pretty straightforward answer. "Mark, I guess. I mean, he is a guy." Then he added a nice little burn on Kelly for her trouble. "You're a little too boy-like."

Kelly pretended to be offended, but she couldn't have been shocked. The response was probably the compliment she was fishing for from the beginning.

I would still pay to look at this dog. (Via The Local)

If you're some stupid kid in Italy, you might not notice that this is not a panda.

But the cops noticed. Even though these crafty Italians did an excellent fur-dye-job on these Chow dogs, I'm pretty sure you can't just run around with endangered species all the time. Especially not the cute ones. Pandas are only to either miraculously exist in the wild, or be paid for by zoos and then forced to procreate for our entertainment. And that's it! No circuses.

Just in case you think that dog was a panda, here's a picture of a real panda masturbating, for reference:

Now that's what I call a panda! (Via Shanghaiist)

According to The Local, the proprietors of the faux panda circus are being brought up on charges of cheating its customers, and also for falsifying the dog's passports. I didn't know dogs got passports.

The Italian papers got hold of this story and tweeted a great picture of the dogs walking around groomed as the rare bears.

Cani truccati da panda: blitz della Forestale al circo Orfei http://t.co/BXYTkAS8k0pic.twitter.com/VaFUaQPewB
— Corriere della Sera (@Corriereit) December 22, 2014

Translated into English, it barely makes more sense: "Dogs rigged panda: blitz of Forestry at the circus Orfei."

The dogs have been confiscated and found to have "watery eyes" from having so many pictures taken.

Perhaps this reaction to photography explains Kim Kardashian's trademarked blank stare.

No more photos of the fake animals, please. (Via Getty Images)

Manger danger.(via)

Ohio resident Jasen Dixon says he wasn't trying to offend anyone with the zombie nativity scene in his front yard, he was just working with the resources available to him. As a manager of a local house, what was available to him were Halloween ghouls and goblins, which he used as stand-ins for Baby Jesus, Mary, and the Three Wise Men. At least he didn't work in a erotic toy store that sold sex dolls.

Not surprisingly, neighbors don't like it and police have told him to take it down. But not because they find Undead Baby Jesus offensive, which is a matter of taste, but because they say Dixon is in violation of local zoning laws.

Dixon thinks he's being targeted, and his First Amendment rights violated, because his display is bumming people out. Even his father isn't a fan. Dixon told Fox News, "My father hates it and anything bad that happens he blames it on that."

But cops say he's not being singled out and has every right to offend, as long as he's doing so according to some pretty strict guidelines. From Fox:

Sycamore Township, which is outside Cincinnati, does not allow structures to be located in the front or the side yard to occupy more than 35 percent of the area. Also, the primary structure must be 3 feet from the street, and 6 feet from the house.

Dixon's holidays aren't totally ruined, though, because he's been given until December 26th to scale back the display or take it down. It' like a Zombie Christmas miracle!

Thank you for answering our question, oh wise and benevolent baby sun. (BBC)

The mystery has tormented us for nearly 20 years. Conspiracy theories abound, and some even believe it is impossible to know the truth. But now, suddenly, we've been given an answer: we finally know who the baby in the Teletubbies sun was.

It turns out that smiley baby girl was Jess Smith, now a 19-year-old British college student. Smith decided to come clean about her role in the show because she just started attending university and wanted to be honest with her new friends. The news came out during a game where everyone was supposed to tell a secret to their neighbor, and undoubtedly it blew the other secrets out of the water. (Oh really? You once ate an entire large pizza? Well, Jess was THE SUN FROM TELETUBBIES.)

"I am the sun from Teletubbies," Smith told the Daily Mail, speaking in the short, declarative sentence you'd expect from a baby sun. Smith still looks a lot like she did as a nine month old (you can see photos of her over at the Daily Mail), and she says she hasn't changed much. "I still have a baby face...I am still giggly," she said.

Smith says she was paid just 250 pounds and a box of toys for the gig, and has received no royalties. But she's not resentful! After all, "no one knew how big the show was going to be."

So how big was it? Big enough that fully grown adults are still captivated by the identity of that little baby sun.

Originally published: August 6, 2014

This is what happens if you don't shut your pie hole. (Via Getty Images)

A couple days ago redditor thr111 needed to get something off his chest, so he took to the "offmychest" section of reddit and proceeded to tell the most true story anyone has ever told on the Internet about how he was so fed up with a screaming, whiny kid in line at Burger King that he bought all the pies the restaurant had so the kid couldn't have any.

The hero? Our hungry narrator in line at Burger King. For his privacy's sake, he did not post any pictures, but based on all the evidence of the story, it is safe to assume he looks like this:

Our hero.

And our villains? A terrible mom and her screaming kid, also in line. Again, no pictures, but they definitely look like this:

Bad mom.

Screaming brat.

There, that should set the stage.

And now, the completely true facts, as told by an anonymous man hiding behind a screen name:

So a while ago I had decided to treat myself and go to Burger King. I hadn't had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it waiting patiently. When behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a gameboy whenever something didn't go right in the game. The mother didn't seem to pay any attention to him and his continued yelling of 'I want a Fucking PIE'. After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can't tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business. I nod and turn around, shes still yelling at the back of my head when the child cries out again how he wants a pie, the mother consoles him, calling him sweety and ensuring they'll get pies for lunch because she loves him so much.

What a terrible mom and child! I hope they never get any pie...

I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers. Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don't have any pies left, who bought them all? I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating eat as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can't get to me because of other lineups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.

Wow. It is a tale of triumph, although, we get the sense that thr111 has some remorse, as he titled his story "Am I a bad person for this?"

No, screen name thr111, you can never be a bad person when you are sharing your truth.

(by Myka Fox)

Every year, the note is coded message reading, "save me from my wife and son."(via)

Family holiday cards are never anyone's finest hour. There are the horrendous sweaters, the strained smiles that have clearly been held through three dozen different false starts and adjustments, and the fact that you finally had to give up and use one where someone's eyes are half open like they're channeling the dead. But those photos still look like an Annie Leibovitz exhibition compared to these frozen moments of holiday horror.

I like this not just for the breakup revenge, but because it's an ad for a new girlfriend.(via)

Spent a while wondering how they did it in Photoshop before I remembered stockings. (via)

Their relatives now have to change their last name, 'cuz they'll never be Horney again.

Only the poor, poor dog is innocent. He clearly knows something's wrong, though.

"You laugh now, but none of them argue about politics at dinner."

Shoulda asked for those gifts before being naughty, Reeses.(via)

Your annual subscription to National Geo-Graphic Violence.

Before you ask, no, she was not run over by a reindeer. It was a Hyundai.

"I saw Mommy kissing everyone."

Santa is going to soil his red pants when she turns around with those eyes.

If they get any more siblings this stunt will start getting dangerous.

Question #1277: Is the mom just holding a cardboard tube?

Oh, so suddenly getting plastered while pregnant is OK?

Our hearts go out to this brave family suffering from an inherited lack of Photoshop skills.

This is the most relaxed family on this entire list.

Not a family...but every family has one of these (awesome) siblings.(via John Cessna)

Well, the way "Gangnam Style" quickly conquered the world was pretty German style.(via)

Little Morton boy, your years of enduring your parents' "hilarity" are almost over.(via)

"Stop me if you've heard this one. Baby Jesus, King Arthur, a monk with Don King's hairdo and a woman wearing a burqa walk into a barn..."

Rudolph, you'll go down in history as the most-beat-up kid in class after these go out.

Originally published 11/20/13:

5. Booking plane travel is a breeze with a cheesy treat in each fist. Flights home for the holidays are expensive, and you're bound to end up with at least one red-eye with a 6-hour layover in Dallas-Ft. Worth. But scientists at Cornell University have shown that you can keep travel-planning stress at bay with melty baked brie spread thickly onto homemade oat-flour scones. Gorging on salty, buttery foods like fresh pasta with cream sauce topped with crispy fried sage leaves releases enough endorphins that you'll barely notice how annoying it is to spend $600 for four days of travel.

4. Feel better about seeing judgmental family with brownies. Family is a wonderful thing—for a few hours at a time. But uncomfortable sleeping arrangements and too much togetherness can ruffle anyone's feathers. Keep from going over the edge with doctor-recommended peppermint swirl brownies studded with chocolate chips and pieces of candy cane. Heck, shove one of these in grandma's mouth next time she opens it to ask if you're dating anyone. And you'll be surprised by how much better handfuls of leftover Halloween candy make you feel!

3. Hemorrhaging money for gifts? Try bacon. It's not just travel that's expensive around the holidays. Even if people claim you're "not doing gifts this year," there always end up being a million people on your present list. But crispy, juicy bacon peaking out from between two ends of a roll will make everything better. Money won't matter at all for the duration of those few, ecstatic bites. When the feeling runs out, don't try bargain hunting or cutting people off your list who didn't get you something last year or probably won't care. Just get more bacon.

2.Pizza is a sure cure for seasonal affective disorder. Got the winter blues? Reduced levels of sunlight mean a drop in serotonin, which can leave you feeling depressed and anxious. But if you were eating pizza, you'd feel good right? Think about those saucy, cheesy bubbles concealing crispy, chewy wood-fired crust. Mmm. Yeah, pizza would be amazing. It's such an all-consuming experience: opening the door to the deliveryman, lifting the lid on the box, the knowledge that for the next hour or so, this pizza is yours, and nothing—not your regrets about your past, not your crushing fear of leaving the house, not even your miserable self-doubt can stop you from experiencing pure, tomato-y pleasure. You'll feel right as rain in no time!

1. Packing on the pounds is less anxiety-provoking when you eat more. Temptations are everywhere during the holiday season, and between treats showing up at work, holiday parties, and big Christmas dinners, many of us find ourselves feeling a little thicker around the middle. But don't let anxiety about gaining weight bring you down! Therapists from the Center for Better Living advise you distract yourself with a homemade Nutella, bacon, and banana sandwich. The Nutella helps combat the fight-or-flight response, while the bacon gives you extra striationase, an important nutrient for ignoring your inner critic. You can always lose the weight in January!

Merry Christmas Eve, Internet! Everyone loves a crackling fire around the holidays, but around the mid-20th Century a lot of us figured out it was much easier and safer to just watch one on a screen. There are many versions competing today, but only one has one of the world's biggest names in the Internet cat business: Lil Bub. This one. This is the one with Lil Bub. So curl up like his tail and get ready for a double-barrel blast of comfort from the fire and the feline alike.

There is no Christmas tradition quite as American as the endlessly flickering televised (and now streaming) Yule Log. Beginning in 1966 in New York City on the local TV station WPIX, this pixelated hearth allowed urbanites to enjoy rustic comfort and WPIX employees to go home for the holiday. The Yule Log eventual became national as word of NYC's weird Christmas tradition spread (and other TV stations adopted this low-maintenance programming), and now it's as American as apple pie (except no one's done anything bad to a Yule Log in a popular teen comedy).

Santa's got his DNA test ready. (Via)

Christmas has come to Facebook, which means your feed is already overrun with annoying Christians losing their minds about having to say "Happy Holidays," annoying atheists reminding everyone that Christmas began as a pagan holiday, and about 10,000 photos of woefully misshapen gingerbread men. The posts gathered here celebrate just how joyously wrong a Facebook yuletide status can be.

Yay! Let's go have really depressing boners! (Via)

Ever hear of a puppy born of a virgin birth? Babies are better gifts! (Via)

These two will continue like this through New Year's.(Via)

A Facebook status came true. Christmas miracle! (Via)

Easy with the festive good tidings gang.(Via)

That regifted applesauce cake is going to be a huge disappointment when it's unwrapped.

This is why she spent all year doing her Kegels. For the kids.

That used to be called Myrh. Just awful.

Maybe you should focus more on the "secret" part of it.

You have to watch porn on your Dad's phone? This is why we need to keep the public libraries open on Christmas.

What about a handmade Coupon For Three Hugs And Two Years Of Indentured Servitude?

Someday this will be featured in the Museum of Modern Art.

Angels always say they love you, but then they just leave you with a Savior to feed.

To be fair, that was what science promised her generation the future would be like.

Santa is bringing someone remedial spelling books this year.

Touche. *cue atheist smartass following up with Yule information*

What about those of us that prefer breasts to the D?

Also federal laws mandating the closure of schools for the holiday break.

Yes. There's also a room in the Post Office full of letters for "A Stan"

I bet Jesus thanks Dad every day he didn't come to Earth in the digital era.

The best thing about online Amish jokes is you never have to worry about offending them.

All I want for Christmas is any form of real human contact please God.

Is that a lump of coal in your suit or are you just happy to see me?

Christmas is about family, and how you're never going to grow up and leave them.

He also promotes the use of coal over clean-burning natural gas.

Yes, it was all glittery.

For those of us stuck in the cold, a Mexican Christmas sounds pretty awesome right now.

The preferred term is Little Person or Temporarily Little Person for a child.

Just make sure to avoid the thin, tasteless ones made out of his flesh. He doesn't like those.

That's so disgusting that you would name your baby Peanut.

Dear Retailers, this will happen 100% of the time you give a fill-in-the-blank to the public.

The Red and Green Ring Of Death

Exactly, Gracie. Just a camera. That's all!

Aaand Christmas is canceled now. Thanks, Max.

Yes, come home to the Christmas spirit goodwill towards mankind in our Jew-free town.

Somewhere out there, Chris' mom is googling that very thing.

I'm dreaming of a red, swollen Christmas...

Don't know if a guy named "Teodor" should really be making proofreading comments.

Sarah is not the fastest page on the Internet.

2 friends-a-pokin', and a post that's been copied a million times