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Finally all the best news bloopers from 2014 in one place.

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Remember kids, never report news in a bikini unless you want to be famous.

If we can learn anything from the news in 2014, it is that an inordinate amount of people have strange costumes ready to wear if the local news is reporting live in their neighborhood.

This 15 minute clip reel of The Best News Bloopers of 2014 is either the perfect metaphor for the direction journalism is taking in our country, or it's just really fun to watch a dude get beaned in the dome by a flying skateboarder or a news anchor peeing on trees.


Romantic stroll.

President of Argentina adopts Jewish teen as godson to prevent him from becoming a werewolf.

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Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, the president of Argentina, has adopted a 13-year-old Jewish boy, Yair Tawil, to stop him from becoming a werewolf.

That probably sounds super crazy, until you learn that according to Argentinean folklore, a family's seventh son becomes "el lobison" after his thirteenth birthday. This werewolf-like monster feasts on unbaptized babies, feces, and the flesh of the dead. Then it sounds like a charming, folksy amount of crazy.

19th century Argentineans were so scared of el lobison that they started abandoning or even murdering their own sons. To combat the hysteria, the president of the country started adopting those babies, and in 1973 the tradition was extended to baby girls.

According to The Independent, the seventh born kids "gain the President as their official godparent as well as a gold medal and full educational scholarship." The paper did not specify, but I'm guessing the gold medal says something like "1st Place At Not Being A Werewolf."

In 2009, the practice was expanded to include non-Catholic families as well. That explains why Kirchner is lighting Hanukkah candles with the Jewish family above (though it doesn't explain why she's blowing them out in the top tweet).

Since 13-year-old Jewish males were included, there's been an even bigger risk at hand: a werewolf bar mitzvah:

Which sounds pretty fun, actually, but would of course be dangerous for anyone nearby. So it's a good thing President Kirchner has stepped up to the plate.

Ahead of the pack.

Gift receipt

GoPro

Slim chance.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 29, 2014

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1. The Interview Is Now The Highest Grossing Movie That North Korea Has Ever Threatened To Kill All Of Us Over

Despite threats of violence against anyone who dares to watch The Interview, Sony Pictures Entertainment has since Christmas raked in $15 million through more than 2 million digital download sales—with approximately the same number of pirated downloads suspected—plus an additional $2.8 million via its limited theatrical release, making it the most successful film ever concurrently released online and in theaters. You'd better believe that Kim Jong-un's phone is ringing off the hook with Hollywood producers trying to persuade him to condemn their upcoming projects.


2. Miley Cyrus Gets Her Nipples Back In The News By Having Them Banned From Instagram

Pop singer Miley Cyrus is likely sighing with relief today, following a weeks-long stretch during which her unadorned breasts failed to gain the attention of international media. After posting a photo of her boobs—along with the presumably encrypted message to fans, "Some lame ass deff gonna [golf hole flag] dat [smiling pile of feces] but fuckkkkkkk it"—to Instagram, the image was predictably pulled down. And then everybody started talking about how it was pulled down, because that's a thing that people still talk about apparently.


3. Bill Cosby Tries To Make The World Trust Him Again By Hiring Private Investigators To Smear His Accusers

Bill Cosby has reportedly hired a team of investigators to research the private lives of the growing number of women who are accusing him of having drugged and sexually assaulted them, in an effort to find information to use against them. "If you're going to say to the world that I did this to you, then the world needs to know, 'What kind of person are you? Who is this person that's saying it?'" an insider claims the once-beloved comedian told his legal team, presumably while petting a cat in the dark shadows of his underground lair.


4. Neil DeGrasse Tyson Angers Christians By Tweeting About Science On Christmas

Astrophysicist and host of the popular pop-science program Cosmos, Neil deGrasse Tyson managed to stir up controversy with Christians over the holidays by tweeting about legendary scientist Isaac Newton on Christmas Day when he could have been writing about the Baby Jesus.



5. Pregnant Chinese Women Trying Desperately To Squeeze Out Babies Before Arbitrary Calendar Date

Mothers-to-be in China are doing their level best to birth their babies before the Chinese New Year on February 19. Children who come into the world after that calendar date will supposedly lead unhappy lives full of weakness and timidity, due to having been born during the Year of the Sheep, while children who were forcefully pressed out beforehand will only have to deal with having parents who are depressingly gullible.


News anchor proves she's as good as Harry Potter while reciting "Alphabet Aerobics" to warm up for a report.

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Good, can you do it faster?

In what looks to be a new trend in people-with-funny-accents-proving-they-know-all-the-words-to-difficult-rap-songs, news anchor Kim Powell from Midland, Texas warmed up for her report by reciting "Alphabet Aerobics."

If you'll remember, Harry Potter pulled the same magic trick a couple months ago on the Tonight Show, making overzealous rhyme zealots all over America put on a fake smile while thinking, "I can do that, too."

Ready to prove herself, we see Powell weaving up words weeded up without the help of The Roots backing her. And before anyone sees this as an opportunity to prove once more that white people don't have rhythm, the quickening beat was clearly added to the video after the fact.

Almost as polished as adult Harry Potter, Powell makes her way to Z by memory, and then stunts for the camera.

Take that challengers, get a tune up.

Full picture.

Beats by Dr. Dre

John Oliver makes a surprise video to explain why New Year's Eve is the worst.

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What could possibly be annoying about drunk tourists, Times Square & sponsorship?

John Oliver has some very good advice for anyone looking to get out of New Year's Eve parties, which is good because the only people worth hanging out with at New Year's Eve parties are the people who do not want to be at New Year's Eve parties. If you have any kind of social anxiety, let John Oliver tell you how to say "no" without having to endure awkwardness. If you're like me, however, and are such a thorough curmudgeon that people have just stopped asking you to go to New Year's Eve parties (or any parties), you'll still enjoy hearing Oliver rail against the annual drinking event that we can all agree is usually the worst part of every year.

Some guy managed to guess a 'Wheel of Fortune' answer with just one letter on the board.

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E.

That's all you get — just an E.

Before you look down at the video below—which unfortunately gives away the answer in its embed image, so be careful not to scroll down too far—see if you can figure out this word puzzle with the same scant clues given to Malvern, Pennsylvania's Matt DeSanto on Friday's episode of Wheel of Fortune.

Category: Character
Letters: _ _ _ . _ _ _ E . _ _ _ _ _ _

That's it. Good luck.

Once you've given up, you can check out the video below to see how much smarter/luckier DeSanto is than you:

Don't feel too bad if you didn't figure it out as easily as this guy did. He went on to solve every single puzzle in the show—before tanking in the bonus round—and walked away with more than $90K. He's working on a whole other level.

Staring is caring.

This inventive nut built a flamethrower using cornstarch and a leaf blower.

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Patent, lawsuits pending.

Sure, most people will never need a homemade flamethrower. But who knows? Let's say you're ten beers into a Saturday afternoon and discover a hornets nest on your property. Or, you're the victim of a home invasion with a strict scorched-earth policy. Or, you've watched one-too-many horror movies and have begun losing sleep over the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Well, thanks to Ivan Owen's dangerously instructive video, you no longer have an excuse for being unprepared. All you need is a leaf blower, some corn starch, a blow torch, and a complete disregard for fire safety.

This is one of those videos that makes me thankful that YouTube wasn't around when I was young. Because if I'd seen Ivan Owen's invention at twelve, I may never have lived to see thirteen. And if I somehow did, I probably would've celebrated my birthday in a burn unit. That said, as an adult with absolutely no need for a cornstarch flamethrower, there's still a part of me that would love to have one. A surprisingly big part. Thanks for blazing a trail, Ivan!


Laughing sea captain plows through waves straight out of 'The Perfect Storm.'

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Maybe if George Clooney & Mark Wahlberg had laughed more, they'd have made it.

The frigid North Sea between Great Britain and Scandinavia is full of two things: oil buried deep under the seabed, and giant waves roaming the surface. I don't think the captain of this large-but-not-oil-tanker-sized ship was looking for oil, but he definitely found some killer waves—and then proceeded to plow straight through them (you have to, or else risk being knocked on your side) while laughing like a madman. Normally, "laughing like a madman" is a euphemism, but this guy is laughing while several thousand tons of water come crashing at him, so...yeah, like a madman.

Here's Patrick Stewart being very embarrassed while wearing a singing elf hat.

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"What am I doing? I'm Sir Patrick Stewart."

I think we can all agree that Patrick Stewart is an extremely distinguished English gentleman. He trod the boards in his youth with the Royal Shakespeare Company. He introduced the soldier conspirator Lucius Aelius Sejanus to worldwide audiences in the BBC's production of I, Claudius. He brought an unprecedented degree of gravitas to the Star Trek universe, through his thoughtful portrayal of Enterprise Captain Jean-Luc Picard. He knelt before the sword and received a knighthood from Queen Elizabeth herself. He's the only person in those X-Men movies who doesn't have to dress up in some dumb costume or have ridiculous facial hair.

And now, here he is, reduced to enduring the humiliation of wearing an electronic musical elf hat for the entertainment of millions of YouTube viewers. Oh, how the mighty have fallen:


5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. Chelsea Handler and Miley Cyrus, who both posted topless photos to Instagram Saturday and had them taken down.


(via Instagram/Twitter)

How embarrassing! Nipple activists Chelsea Handler and Miley Cyrus both showed up to Instagram on Saturday not wearing the same shirt. Handler posted a photo of herself skiing topless to Instagram with the caption "I lost chunk [her dog] on the mountain." She later posted a similar photo to Twitter when those tyrants at Instagram upheld their stated policies and took the first topless photo down. Miley posted hers to Instagram on Saturday night with #FreeTheNipple. You can see the uncensored photos—and I guess feel good about women's empowerment? Not quite clear on how this works—pretty much anywhere because this is the Internet.


4. People who were forced by Facebook to relive a very painful 2014.


(via Facebook)

Facebook has found a new way to make us hate our lives. The "Year in Review" feature on the social media site turns your most popular photos from 2014 into a slideshow with the default message "It's been a great year! Thanks for being part of it." But for people who had a terrible 2014—a divorce, an illness, the death of a loved one—the feature can feel like a cruel reminder of what they lost. Web design consultant and writer Eric Meyer complained to Facebook in a blog post after his "Year in Review" included photos of his young daughter, who passed away this year. He called the incongruous juxtaposition of his deceased daughter's photo with cartoon dancers and balloons "inadvertent algorithmic cruelty." After the post went viral, Facebook apologized to Meyer, promising to do better, and Meyer in turn apologized to the head of the Year in Review team for "drop[ping] the Internet on his head for Christmas."


3. Anyone who stood to make royalties from Wolf of Wall Street, the most pirated film of 2014.


(Paramount Pictures)

According to The Hollywood Reporter, The Wolf of Wall Street was the most pirated film of 2014, with over 30 million illegal downloads. That data comes from piracy-tracking firm Excipio, who released a list of the top ten most pirated films of the year. Hopefully, after downloading and watching Wolf, viewers realized that breaking the law may seem glamorous but ultimately has consequences it's pretty easy to avoid. Upon hearing the news, Martin Scorcese said "f*ck" 569 times.


2. This Korean singer, who has accused Sony of stealing her song and using it in The Interview.

Speaking of downloading movies, The Interview is having some success with getting people to legally watch it online. Did you notice the music when you were celebrating your First Amendment rights by watching The Interview this week? I did, and I thought it was pretty sweet. Then I found out that a Korean R&B star named Yoon Mi-Rae is taking legal action against Sony for using one of her songs, "Pay Day," without her permission. Mi-Rae was in talks with Sony to use the song, but they never reached an agreement, and then the song popped up in the movie anyway. The hackees have become the hackers (sort of)! Now I guess we all have to buy Mi-Rae's latest album or Sony wins? But if Sony loses, then doesn't Kim Jong-un win? This is getting confusing.


1. Anyone who thought their fingerprint was secure, since hackers can apparently copy it from a photograph.


(Thinkstock)

Hacker Jan Krissler revealed that he cloned the fingerprint of the German defense minister from photographs taken at a press event. Krissler, who spoke at a hacker conference in Hamburg, thinks politicians will start to "wear gloves when talking in public" now that he's proven he can do this. Are we all going to have to start wearing gloves, struggling to text under the tyranny of a few hackers? Luckily, experts are already aware of this possibility, which is why better security systems use "vein recognition" as well as fingerprints. Until that technology is widespread, locking your personal information in a box under your bed is now officially your best option.

Obama stole soldiers' golf course wedding location so he could "play through."

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Copping wedding locations and then copping squats is what our President does best!
(via Getty Images)

To everyone in America who has accused our 44th president of being a spineless failure who sucks at negotiations, Barack Hussein Obama II has finally taken a tough stance. For the good of the free world, he must play golf on his Christmas vacation.

Army captains Natalie Heimel and her fiancé, Edward Mallue Jr., heard from the Prez twice the day before their wedding. First, they received a letter in which the brave commander sent his regrets that he would not be able to attend their wedding. Apparently, they were familiar enough with their boss to know he vacationed at the islands during the holidays and took a stab at getting him to celebrate their big day with them.

A couple hours later, during their wedding rehearsal, they got a phone call and learned the reason Obama regretted he would not be able to attend the greatest day in his employees' lives was because he was going golfing at the same course where the wedding would take place. As Bloomberg reports, the commander in chief put in a "personal call to the bride" asking her to move her wedding. Bloomberg's Michael C. Bender said the strategic maneuvering of his forces would be done so that he could "play through."


Sometimes you have to sacrifice the 16th hole in the name of freedom.
(via Jamie McCarthy/Bloomberg)

Jamie McCarthy, Mallue's sister, told Bloomberg, "It was kind of ironic they got the letter from them and then, within hours, they were told they had to be moved due to him... He apologized and congratulated them." The next thing the American soldiers knew, they were moved to a different, more secluded spot on the course for their nuptials.

McCarthy continues, "It was emotional, especially for her—she's the bride and in less than 24 hours they had to change everything they had planned."

That's negotiating with the Prez for ya. What Barry wants, Barry gets. Who cares if the world thinks his normalizing our relationship with Cuba makes him look like a wimp? He was fearless in his relations with bridezilla, swiftly moving his troops in order to defend the 16th hole at the Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course in Hawaii.

The White House has yet to make a statement as to whether our head of state also took command of the ball washer.


A dude strapped a camera to his dog's collar to see what he does after he leaves, and the result is sad as hell.

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"All by myself! Don't wanna be...all by myself, anymore!" (via Imgur)

YouTube's Mike the Intern, aka reddit's nigelandtheghost, used buddy's Go Pro to see what his Goldendoodle did all day when he left the house. The results, he claimed, will cause him to never leave his dog again.

In the edited footage of what happens after the door closes, we see a desperate attempt to understand the abandonment. The dog races back and forth from the door to the windows, and then eventually to Mike's bed, where he collapses on a pile of dirty laundry, all the while howling as he desperately sniffs the clothing's odors in a pathetic attempt to reincarnate his owner through scent. This is the dog version of clicking "Like" on all of your ex's Facebook photos. This is the dog version of crying to Céline Dion's "All By Myself" while reading old g-chats.

At times, the dog searches for clarity by staring at the fan and howling. Either that, or he is bemoaning the fact that his owner is the kind of human that keeps Pink Floyd posters on his ceiling.

I should warn you that if you are the same kind of person as my Happy Place colleagues who can't handle the truth about how upset and frightened their dogs get while they go out and live their lives, this is not the video for you.

Shakespeare couldn't pen a more pathetic tragic hero.

This is exactly how I react when I find out my roommate has eaten my Chinese food leftovers.

For one thing, who the hell doesn't say goodbye to their dog that is staring at them when they're leaving the house? At around 28 seconds in, you can hear someone in the background ask, "Are you really leaving it on?" And then, after the door closes, you hear a cackling because, hahahahahah, that dog is all alone.

Not that Mike wasn't upset when he watched the video. As he comments on reddit, it was all a shock to him. His dog "never destroyed stuff or anything... So I had no reason to believe he was losing it this bad."

Apparently, he watched the video with his dog and "We held each other and cried after."

I hope this serves as a lesson for all those people who call themselves heroes for rescuing dogs from a shelter and then leaving them alone all week to ponder the meaninglessness of their existence without you.

For perspective, here's a video of shelter dogs totally partying after the humans have left.


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