1. Barack Obama Wants To Turn U.S. Into Nation Full Of Well-Educated Communists
President Obama is announcing today that he is intending to make two years of community college available to all U.S. citizens at no cost to them, in an effort to boost the education level of the nation's workforce. "It's something we can accomplish, and it's something that will train our workforce so that we can compete with anyone in the world," he says in a video missive filmed onboard Air Force One. Critics of the plan are opposed to it because Obama is in favor of it.
2. US Olympic Committee Breaks The News To Boston That It Might Be Inflicted With The 2024 Games
A mournful city full of Bostonites solemnly accepted the grim news yesterday that their sanity and happiness may be sacrificed for the greater good of the country, as the U.S. Olympic Committee will be submitting it as an official candidate to host the 2024 Games. At least this gives them all nine years to move someplace else.
3. Bill Cosby and Tina Fey Find Common Ground In Their Willingness To Make Bill Cosby Rape Jokes
Both stand-up comedian Bill Cosby and writer-actor Tina Fey seem to be in complete agreement concerning making jokes about the multitudinous horrific sexual allegations made against Cosby in recent months. While performing in Canada last night, Cosby light-heartedly warned a female audience member that, "You have to be careful about drinking around me." Meanwhile, when Fey was asked by Access Hollywood whether she and her co-host for Sunday night's Golden Globe Awards would be considering Cosby jokes for their opening monologue, she excitedly replied, "Oh, heck yes!" It's nice to see these two titans of comedy coming together over a thing like this.
4. Men Can Add 13 to 20 Years To Their Lives By Cutting 4 to 7 Inches From Their Manhood
According to some provocative new research, being castrated at an early age could add several decades to a man's life, due to the lack of testosterone in the bloodstream, which may be partially responsible for the lifespan disparity between men and women. While it seems unlikely that many men would opt for such surgery to live longer, it seems quite possible that a healthy majority would be willing to subtract years with their family for a second penis.
5. Russia Discovers Totally Obvious Connection Between Car Accidents And Transgendered People
Russian lawmakers have recently classified transsexual and transgender people—as well as sexual fetishists, exhibitionists, voyeurs and pathological gamblers—as citizens who are no longer eligible for driver's licenses in a stated effort to cut down on automobile accidents. Apparently, this is what passes for making sense in Vladimir Putin's Russia.