This bro pastor gave a sermon about punching a boy into the arms of the Lord.

January 12, 2015, 2:10 pm

≫ Next: This woman let her friends tattoo whatever they wanted on her shoulder. Guess what they drew.

≪ Previous: Crayola's Facebook page was flooded with smut after being hacked. People had a very strange reaction.

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Jesus healed the crippled. This guy crumples smart alecks.

Fire, brimstone, and roundhouse punches to the chest.

Today's sermon comes courtesy of Pastor Eric Dammann of Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey. It's a lesson for parents in how to deal with kids who aren't "takin' the Lord serious (sic)." Children like Ben, a kid Pastor Eric was guiding at a youth group in Calgary a while back. Ben's problem was that he liked to push Dammann's buttons. Even worse, he was "bright," which, according Dammann "didn't help things—made him more dangerous."

So Pastor Eric decided to show Ben the way of the Lord by way of the fist.

"So I walked over to him and went BAM! Punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. I just crumpled him. Then I leaned over and said, 'Ben, when are you going to stop playing games with God?' I led that man to the Lord right there,"

Either that, or Ben just screamed "Jesus Christ!" because he'd been decked by a youth group pastor.

The lesson of the sermon is that after Pastor Eric's bare-knuckle conversion, Ben was through playing games with the Lord. Or playing any games for that matter, due to, you know, the crumpling.

Even better for Ben: now that this video has been posted to YouTube, he might be able to find a lawyer and convert Pastor Eric's story into some bread.

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This woman let her friends tattoo whatever they wanted on her shoulder. Guess what they drew.

January 12, 2015, 2:25 pm

≫ Next: A 9-year-old Idaho boy became the first kid in his class to have an arrest warrant issued against him.

≪ Previous: This bro pastor gave a sermon about punching a boy into the arms of the Lord.

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After ordering an at-home tattooing kit online, this woman hosted tattoo parties in her home. One day she woke up with this.

That's not Mr. Bluebird on your shoulder. (via Birmingham Mail)

At first, when she was 17 and drunk and partying, she thought the penis permanently squirting over her shoulder was hilarious. By the morning, Holly Aston was over it.

It's such an ugly dick, too. The head is really crudely drawn and the balls look more like the cross guard of a sword.

As she tells the Birmingham Mail, she was able to order an at home tattoo kit for less than a $100. It came with a needle and a bunch of ink and absolutely no instructions on how to prevent infection. It also didn't come with the warning: don't be a 17-year-old idiot and let people tattoo whatever they want on you, because whatever they want will always be a dick. Always.

A 9-year-old Idaho boy became the first kid in his class to have an arrest warrant issued against him.

January 12, 2015, 2:30 pm

≫ Next: Breathe easy, 'Breaking Bad' fans: the extended trailer for 'Better Call Saul' looks as good as you hoped.

≪ Previous: This woman let her friends tattoo whatever they wanted on her shoulder. Guess what they drew.

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A stock photo approximation of what this little enemy of the state might look like.

People of Kootenai County, Idaho: be on the lookout for a nine-year-old fugitive from justice. He is thought to be between 2 and 2½ feet tall with a head of bushy unkempt hair and an alarming innocence in his boyish smile.

The unnamed master criminal had an arrest warrant issued against him by a county prosecutor after the little ragamuffin failed to appear in court on two separate occasions to answer for the crime of stealing a pack of gum.

Post Falls, Idaho Police Chief Scott Haug credits the criminal's absences to an inability to get to secure a ride to the courthouse from any members of his gang (a.k.a. his family), though it seems just as likely that the boy was out stealing pies off of window sills or climbing Old Man Turnbuckle's fence to huck frogs into the lake.

Breathe easy, 'Breaking Bad' fans: the extended trailer for 'Better Call Saul' looks as good as you hoped.

January 12, 2015, 3:33 pm

≫ Next: This Internet-famous dog also happens to have an adorable addiction to getting blow-dried.

≪ Previous: A 9-year-old Idaho boy became the first kid in his class to have an arrest warrant issued against him.

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AMC's Breaking Bad was considered by many to be the best TV show of the new millennium, so it's no surprise that its upcoming spinoff Better Call Saul, starring Bob Odenkirk, is under a lot of pressure to be good. Publicly, Breaking Bad fans are confident that this will be the best spinoff since Frasier. Privately, we've all feared that this will be Joey all over again. Fortunately, this new trailer should alleviate those fears. With a few old favorites—we find out how he meets Mike!—and a ton of promising new characters, this show could well have been called Breaking Bad 2, because it's the tale of how criminal lawyer James McGill became criminal lawyer Saul Goodman. Because who wants all that aggravation of actually pursuing justice?

This Internet-famous dog also happens to have an adorable addiction to getting blow-dried.

January 12, 2015, 4:22 pm

≫ Next: Cake loss.

≪ Previous: Breathe easy, 'Breaking Bad' fans: the extended trailer for 'Better Call Saul' looks as good as you hoped.

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Maymo the Lemon Beagle is a legitimate Internet star. We've written about him a number of times. Like any good star, he's picked up a few weird peccadillos along the way—those strange habits stars tell themselves they absolutely need in order to shine. For Maymo, it's his addiction to being blow-dried for minutes on end by his owner while he blisses out in a zen-like trance. But hey, there's no denying that Maymo always looks good and ready for the camera, so why fix it if it ain't broke? You do your thing, Maymo. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Cake loss.

January 12, 2015, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: Beaten down.

≪ Previous: This Internet-famous dog also happens to have an adorable addiction to getting blow-dried.

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Beaten down.

January 13, 2015, 5:00 am

≫ Next: An epic, boozy, heartwarming, marble-mouthed, monster truck love story for the ages.

≪ Previous: Cake loss.

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An epic, boozy, heartwarming, marble-mouthed, monster truck love story for the ages.

January 13, 2015, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Here's Jamie Lynn Spears whipping out a giant knife during a fist-fight at a Pita Pit.

≪ Previous: Beaten down.

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These monster truck fans found love. But will they find their way home?

If you're a fan of romance, but find Nicholas Sparks too sappy, and rom-coms too formulaic, and both of them with far too few monster trucks, then this is the love story for you.

While attempting to find out what fans enjoy about monster truck racing, a reporter from Rock 100.5 in Atlanta found a woman so full of love (and possibly booze and pills), she used the opportunity to tell an epic tale about finding the man of her dreams. A dream featuring 5 kids, sex with each other's cousins, and the phrase "I'll do you right here in front of everybody."

How will the story end? If Hannah Atlanta is driving, probably in handcuffs. And eternal love.

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Here's Jamie Lynn Spears whipping out a giant knife during a fist-fight at a Pita Pit.

January 13, 2015, 6:24 am

≫ Next: Couple that met as flower girl and ring bearer tie the knot 20 years later.

≪ Previous: An epic, boozy, heartwarming, marble-mouthed, monster truck love story for the ages.

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She did it to try and restore the peace. Jamie Lynn understands you should always bring a knife to a fist-fight.

Last month, Britney's sweetheart kid sis Jamie Lynn found herself at a Louisiana Pita Pit restaurant when what appears to have been a massive fight broke out. Not content to run for safety, JLS sprung into action and went looking for something that could cut a bitch. TMZ just released their exclusive security cam video.

According to TMZ, Spears went looking for some blades when one of the brawlers reportedly knocked over her friend. The stumble inspired Jamie to retaliate by opening up some skin, but luckily, the video reveals she didn't do much more than wave her weapon around and slam it on the cutting counter.

Next time you want to get badass in a pita spot, make sure none of the Spears girls are on the premises...unless you are ready to THROW DOWN.

Couple that met as flower girl and ring bearer tie the knot 20 years later.

January 13, 2015, 6:30 am

≫ Next: Bob Newhart cleared things up on Twitter after thousands of people thought he was now a football ref.

≪ Previous: Here's Jamie Lynn Spears whipping out a giant knife during a fist-fight at a Pita Pit.

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You're not this cute. None of us are this cute. (via Facebook)

You've been looking for love in all the wrong places. It's time to get off Tinder, stop trying to make people fall in love with you the scientific way, and head for your parents' wall of old wedding photos. There you'll find cute photos of yourself as a little flower girl next to some adorable little ring bearer. That ring bearer is your future husband. (Trust me. I write for the Internet.)

That's how it went down for Brittney Fussy and her new husband Briggs.

When they were toddlers, they first walked down the aisle together. Brittney was the flower girl, and her future husband was the ringbearer. Don't worry, they're not related; his godmother was friends with her mother.

Oh ffs, are these two for real? (via Fox 9)

Years later, they were randomly placed (by the Love Force of the Universe, obvi) in the same ninth grade government class. Brittney told Briggs she remembered him—and his unusual name—and Briggs realized he had a photo of flower girl Brittney on the wall at his house. By junior year, they were dating (omg why did it take them that long?), and after five years together, they tied the knot this weekend.

So cute I won't even make fun of them for having the last name "Fussy." (via Fox 9)

It only took 20 years for them to walk down the aisle together again.

Unfortunately, we can't expect the tradition to continue. The flower girl and ring bearer at their wedding were, in fact, related.

Bob Newhart cleared things up on Twitter after thousands of people thought he was now a football ref.

January 13, 2015, 7:45 am

≫ Next: Happiest Hours.

≪ Previous: Couple that met as flower girl and ring bearer tie the knot 20 years later.

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The buttoned-down ref of the NCAA.(via Twitter)

When an 85-year-old comedy legend is trending on Twitter, odds are it isn't about anything good. So when millions of people saw #BobNewhart on Monday night, they were probably bracing for the worst.

But Bob being suddenly hot on Twitter wasn't a bad thing, it was actually pretty funny. Uncanny even. The head ref working the College Football Championship Game looked so much like Newhart that people immediately started tweeting about it. So many people that several news outlets felt the need to give everyone a heads up.

Just in case you're wondering why Bob Newhart is trending... pic.twitter.com/zOdg2KLCKG
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) January 13, 2015

Then Bob took to his own Twitter account to clear the air.

In regards to my new career as head ref for #OSUvsORE - Hey, I don't have a series any more - I had to do something. #OSUvsORE
— Bob Newhart (@BobNewhart) January 13, 2015

Bob may be pushing 90, but the old Elf isn't ready for the shelf.

Happiest Hours.

January 13, 2015, 7:59 am

≫ Next: Makeup companies are scraping the bottom of the barrel now that all the good makeup names are taken.

≪ Previous: Bob Newhart cleared things up on Twitter after thousands of people thought he was now a football ref.

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Makeup companies are scraping the bottom of the barrel now that all the good makeup names are taken.

January 13, 2015, 8:22 am

≫ Next: Hate speech.

≪ Previous: Happiest Hours.

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If you're like me (bad at doing make-up), you'll often pick a make-up color based on the name. Who doesn't want their lips to be Sugared Peach, their cheeks pink as a Blushing Bride, and their toenails Evil Stepmother Red? But there are only so many ways to describe colors before your make-up names start sounding like complete nonsense. That's what happens in this video from UCB Comedy team The Punch, which come to think of it is also a great name for a lipliner.

Hate speech.

January 13, 2015, 8:24 am

≫ Next: Right to remain silent.

≪ Previous: Makeup companies are scraping the bottom of the barrel now that all the good makeup names are taken.

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Right to remain silent.

January 13, 2015, 8:30 am

≫ Next: Here is super-young and hot Matthew McConaughey auditioning for "Dazed and Confused."

≪ Previous: Hate speech.

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Here is super-young and hot Matthew McConaughey auditioning for "Dazed and Confused."

January 13, 2015, 8:35 am

≫ Next: An excellent explanation of why tipping at restaurants should be banned.

≪ Previous: Right to remain silent.

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Check out this newly resurfaced tape of 23-year-old Matthew McConaughey auditioning for his breakout role in Richard Linklater's 1993 film "Dazed and Confused."

"Everything we've ever done or will do, we're gonna do over and over and over again."

The Criterion Collection has just released footage of a super young and hot McCon as he auditions for the movie that would end up breaking him into showbiz.

The audition, complete with a fresh Wiley Wiggins, starts with (Linklater's?) encouragement to "Let the weed lead you to him," and ends with character Dave Wooderson's now infamous motto for gross middle-aged dudes everywhere, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

For my money, it's even better with his naturally shaggy hair and Headbanger's Ball T-shirt with cuffed sleeves but, for reference, here's him crushing the same scenes in the actual film.

That's what I love about movies, man. I keep getting older, the movie keeps staying the same.

An excellent explanation of why tipping at restaurants should be banned.

January 13, 2015, 9:04 am

≫ Next: Go-getter

≪ Previous: Here is super-young and hot Matthew McConaughey auditioning for "Dazed and Confused."

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I just wanted to make sure no one got confused and thought this web video released them from that obligation. You still have to tip, even if you agree we all shouldn't have to tip

In their latest video designed to ruin everything with facts, CollegeHumor successfully explains why tipping sucks and ruins dining for customers and servers alike. It sucks so much that you can't even not do it without screwing over your server, who needs your tip even though they're being screwed by tips in general. Ew.

CollegeHumor really nails it, which makes sense, because it makes a lot of web videos—and therefore must also be a waiter.

Go-getter

January 13, 2015, 9:07 am

≫ Next: This happy Swedish kids' song about genitals will make you love your "elegant" vagina even more.

≪ Previous: An excellent explanation of why tipping at restaurants should be banned.

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This happy Swedish kids' song about genitals will make you love your "elegant" vagina even more.

January 13, 2015, 9:32 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 13, 2015

≪ Previous: Go-getter

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Balls having a ball.

Once again, the Swedes are doing life right, while we Americans lumber around on our Segways with our built-in televisions and our potato chip dispensers (sounds like an awesome afternoon, no?). While our national approach to sex education is currently "no," the Swedes are animating cartoon versions of boy and girl parts and making them dance around.

This music video, featuring Snipp and Snopp (the child-friendly Swedish names for your parts), went viral after appearing on a Swedish children's program called Bacillakuten. In it, penises and vaginas dance around in top-hats, wearing mustaches and, in the case of one vagina, dressed to look like an elderly woman.

Aside from being insanely catchy, the song has a nice, positive message. According to The Local, some of the lyrics translate to "Here comes the penis at full pace" and "The vagina is cool, you better believe it, even on an old lady. It just sits there so elegantly."

Okay, so it would be nice if vaginas ran around too, instead of just sitting there waiting for penises to come around at full pace, but still. Can you imagine Sesame Street calling an old lady's vagina "elegant"? Can you imagine anyone calling it that?

Not everyone in Sweden loves this video as much as I do. Comments on Facebook have been sharply divided between those who find it fun and catchy and those who think it's garbage. One Facebook commenter said, "How a clip like this got the green light is the most bizarre thing of the year—and the year is only eight days old."

Of course, that was back before Jamie Lynn Spears threatened a man with a knife in a Pita Pit. Times were different then.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 13, 2015

January 13, 2015, 9:35 am

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≪ Previous: This happy Swedish kids' song about genitals will make you love your "elegant" vagina even more.

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1. White House Admits That The Paris Anti-Terror March Maybe Wasn't The Best Opportunity For Playing Coy

The White House today responded to criticism from both sides of the political aisle and admitted that it made a grievous error in attempting to appear cool and aloof by blowing off the anti-terrorist march that occurred in Paris Sunday and only sending the US ambassador to France, whom everybody already knows is a nerd. "It's fair to say we should have sent someone with a higher profile," White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said.

#ReasonsObamaMissedFranceRally Biden was supposed to go, but he locked himself inside the Oval Office. #ParisMarchpic.twitter.com/MQXuUD47Qz

— Barney Franken (@BarneyFranken) January 11, 2015

2. Woody Allen To Debase Himself By Creating Content For Television Screens

Respected independent filmmaker Woody Allen has reportedly inked a deal to contribute to the anti-intellectual cancerous blight that is television programming. He will be stepping into his own personal Kierkegaardian existentialist hell by writing and directing a television series that will be streamed on Amazon's Prime Instant Video, which is apparently some kind of a channel that's on a thing called the Internet.

Looking forward to Woody Allen's new Amazon series: "The New Adventures of an Old Jewish Man Dating Big Breasted Twenty-Something Blondes"

— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) January 13, 2015

BREAKING: Woody Allen says he is in love with Amazon's daughter and they will be married this spring

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) January 13, 2015

3. Rep. Paul Ryan Opts Not To Lose To Hillary Clinton Until 2020

Rep. Paul Ryan—Mitt Romney's running mate in 2012 and a potential future Republican presidential candidate—stunned the political world by announcing that he will not be making a mockery of himself and his career by standing onstage beside a bunch of people trying to sound more conservative and intolerant than one another before ultimately losing the general election to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in 2016. Instead, he will likely make a mockery of himself and his career by standing onstage beside a bunch of people trying to sound more conservative and intolerant than one another before ultimately losing the general election to incumbent President Hillary Clinton in 2020.

Wait, Paul Ryan is NOT running for President?!!! Oh. My. God. This is going to change nothing and affect no one!!!

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) January 13, 2015

4. Saudi Cleric Bravely Speaks Out Against The Evils Of Building Snowmen

Saudi Arabian cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid has declared the building of snowmen to be a sinful act. "It is not permitted to make a statue out of snow, even by way of play and fun," the wise holy man said with a straight face, explaining that only Allah is permitted to create an image of a human being, even if that human being is shaped like three lumpy spheres with a carrot-shaped nose.

I think people build snowmen just so they can punch snow in the face.

— Jason Sweeney (@sween) February 6, 2014

5. Minor Changes To Cadbury Creme Eggs Spark Outrage Among People Who Have Luxury Of Being Outraged By Candy

Outrage spread across the sweet-toothed circles of the United Kingdom this week when Kraft Foods announced that it would be replacing the Cadbury's signature Dairy Milk chocolate commonly found in the popular Cadbury Creme Eggs with "a standard, traditional Cadbury milk chocolate" in the U.K. It is truly a dark day for candy-loving pedants in a very small section of the world.

Cadbury, I'll never forgive you for what you've done to Creme Eggs. You took my beloved abomination against nature and made them BLAND.

— Dan Telfer (@dantelfer) January 12, 2015