Like a glove. A glove that will eventually fuse together and can never be taken off.

Watching stuff get made is cool. There are entire TV series devoted merely to footage of stuff being made. But watching traditional Japanese carpenters join together large beams of wood using simple tools in a way that makes it seem like the finished product had simply always existed that way can give you a feeling of vicarious accomplishment that is hard to find in the 21st Century. This is why people stand and watch construction sites. This is why people wander over to see what their neighbors are doing in their garage. It's almost as satisfying as doing it yourself.

As someone who only uses his atrophied monkey-digits to poke at a keyboard (and not even one of those mechanical keyboards that make satisfying clickity-clackity noises), I am no stranger to the modern man's lame longing to, you know, really create something with my hands, dude. In reality, of course, I am not very patient and I haven't really built anything since the last time I got a Lego set for my birthday. But after watching this, I feel like I really did something today. And so did you.

We didn't, of course, but it's nice to feel that way.

Can you tell me how to avoid Sesame Street?

Parents, if one of your kids is suddenly sporting paper bag shorts, a banana peel hat, and slippers fashioned from old juice boxes, don't worry; it may not be a psychotic episode brought on by them discovering your stash of weed edibles. It could be they've just watched this clip of Macklemore on Sesame Street with Oscar the Grouch doing a version of his hit "Thrift Shop," reworked to promote the trashy lifestyle. Literally. He's singing about wearing clothes found in a garbage can.

Times are tough, and not every family can afford to shop at Gap Kids, but is a lesson in dumpster diving from guy wearing a jacket made from floor mats the answer?

"Wouldn't you like to rock a fish on your noodle?" No! No matter how bad you have it, wearing a dead fish on your head is a terrible idea.

You'd like to think Sesame Street would have a more solutions-based approach to the problem of affordable clothing for children. Even Cookie Monster has learned to control his impulses to a degree, and now usually works in a line or two about portion control before inhaling cookies.

Maybe it's time to rethink the idea of kids getting advice from a guy who lives in a garbage can. Or, at the very least, get the grouchy monster some therapy or meds.

On January 11th, many world leaders joined together in Paris to march in support of the victims of the Charlie Hebdo shooting. This newspaper made sure to protect its readers from knowing some of those leaders were women.

Ah-men. (screenshot via Walla)

In a moment of extreme journalistic irony, an image of major world leaders supporting the freedom of speech was censored.

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish, or Haredi, newspaper The Announcer sloppily Photoshopped 4 major political leaders from their cover photo of the front lines of the Charlie Hebdo march in Paris, simply because they were women.

The Haredi sect of Judaism is a response to the Jewish Reform movement, and calls for a complete rejection of modern secular culture, including a total segregation between men and women. In The Announcer's January 12th edition, they dealt with their conflicting desires to report the major news of world leaders banding together in support of the Charlie Hebdo victims with the responsibility of preserving their religious beliefs by simply cutting out the parts they don't like. That is, the hideous women parts.

In essence, they are preserving their historical culture by altering history's present.

That, or they just really like it when Homo-sapiens have penises.

Israeli paper Walla says of the retouching that "Haredi sector daily newspapers operate under the supervision of a 'spiritual committee.'" That committee's task is to censor based on religious beliefs, and when it comes to publishing pictures of women, "the rule is simple: do not advertise."

Their paper while Golda Meir was Israel's Prime Minister must have been pretty thin.

Here is the original photo as provided by wire service GPO:

Ew gross, who let these vaginas grow on world leaders?

Below is The Announcer's version. Noticeably missing are German Chancellor Angela Merkel (standing directly to the right of Netanyahu), the mayor of Paris Anne Hidalgo in the bright blue scarf, Swiss President Simonetta Sommaruga (hard to see in the original shot, but she can be seen clearly here), and EU foreign policy chief Federica Mogherini in the grey puffy coat on the left who was just cropped out altogether.

Much better to hold hands with a faceless monster than a woman. (via Walla)

Note how cropping out Mogherini provided them the opportunity to center Netanyahu to make him look like he was leading the march.

Mediaite helpfully singled out where the women went missing and the resulting Photoshop errors.

Looking more and more like a Kandinsky.

Per Mediaite:

1: Discoloration of man's face
2: World leader wearing a leather glove on one hand and no glove on the other hand
3: Mysterious hand of Federica Mogherini
4: Blurry face of man standing behind where Merkel used to be
5: Uh…that's not a Photoshop, that's a monster.

Mediaite has since realized that #5's monster is the result of blurring out the barely seen face of Swiss President Simonetta Sommaruga.

Dear editors at The Announcer, who I know aren't reading this because it is written by a woman and therefore does not exist, I have a new "simple rule" to propose for you: If you really want to segregate yourself from modern culture, do not report on it.

Are you not entertained?!

None of you people reading this post would be interested in a video compilation of a whole bunch of adorable little cats getting all warm and cozy with an ample selection of attractive ladies' breasts, would you?

I didn't think so.

Considering how this is the Internet, I'm sure you're all eager to push this distraction to one side and get back to reading extra-long socio-political articles about Americans' shifting attitudes concerning economic sovereignty in the past several decades. Very well, be on your way then.

However, on the off chance that you happen to know any people who might be interested in a video full of cats and boobs, I'll just embed this here:

If only one of these cats had been Nyan Cat, this might have been worth your time.

Aw. Sexism from the 1940s is so cute!

They were all so little.

As long as you don't think too hard about how little things have changed in the past 70 years, you can thoroughly enjoy these photos of a 1946 high school yearbook from redditor The_Blackfish_.

Back then, things were different.

We'd only just won the war, and morale was at an all-time high! There was no reason to worry about hurting someone's feelings. Hurt feelings were for the Jerries! When a girl was fat, you called her "fat." When she was "chubby," you could use the word "chubby." When she was, frankly, "plump," you threw the word "plump" up next to her photo without a care in the world.

"Plenty of goodness for someone to love," eh? Poor Doris.

Either all of the men were in great shape, or their figures just weren't as interesting to the editors of this yearbook (though poor Max is called "small"). Instead, the editors commented on the gents' pleasant personalities and love of chewing gum (which was actually the worst vice you could have in 1946).

"Lots of boy friends" = slut shaming of the post-war era.

Well, it's good to know plump Catherine wasn't a bitch.

Frank Jordan, future diplomat. Ruby James, blonde.

Not even Game of Thrones has revenge this sparkly and cruel.

Revenge is a dish best served in tiny, sparkly pieces that will make their way into everyone's hair, their eyes, their clothing, their carpets, in between the planks in hardwood floors, and of course eventually end up on your chin during a very important meeting, prompting your boss to ask if you had just come from a rave. I'm talking, of course, about glitter. Awful, awful glitter. Most of us wouldn't wish glitter on our worst enemies, but if you would, now you can do so anonymously online for only ten Australian dollars at ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com.

Most of the people I hate already own a lot of glitter. Is that a problem?

As you might have deduced, ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com will ship your enemies glitter. They won't tell your enemy your name, but they will include a note from you explaining exactly why they deserve this punishment. This also ensures that they have to pull out the letter, which is mixed in with the glitter, which means glitter is going to go everywhere.

I never get invited to High Tea. I don't even know what High Tea is. Everyone in the world just became my enemy.

I'm pretty sure that this is a legitimate business, even though these customer testimonials are almost certainly intentional comedy.

Jan Delgado is a monster.

This is the idea, of course: to have glitter go everywhere in your foe's apartment or office, ruining that space and making it unfit for respectable human use for all time. Of all of man's weapons, glitter leaves the most lasting destruction. Even Cesium-137, the main radioactive pollutant left by reactors and A-bombs, has a half-life of 30.7 years. But we all know that once it has been deployed, glitter can never, ever be cleaned up. There are grandmothers out there still picking it out of their hair and god knows where else from that time they hooked up with David Bowie.

You really don't want to open your mouth. That's how you get Glitter Lung.

If it wasn't for the fact that I'd be putting the mailman on the other end in grave danger, I'd just go ahead and send 10,000 of these envelopes to "ISIS Headquarters, Syria and/or Iraq" right now. I mean, do you have any idea how silly their black flags and black outfits would look? If the government is listening (haha, "if"), I hope they're taking notes. I mean, this glitter company apparently has the same global reach of the US military at the fraction of the cost.

What about to space? Do any treaties prohibit glitter in space, yet? Because they should

When alien archaeologists discover Earth, the time humanity went extinct will be marked by a shiny layer of sediment and a bunch of pissed-off notes, and they will know that we went out not with a bang, but with a "poof" sound of a glitter bomb exploding, and then everyone choking on sparkles and rage.

One man's flight from Cleveland to New York was nearly a one-man flight.

"Flight attendants, prepare Chris O'Leary for takeoff."(via)

The idea of an empty passenger jet seems like either the best flight ever, or the last thing you'd want to see when boarding a plane.

It sure didn't bother Chris O'Leary, who was all smiles after taking his seat on a delayed Delta flight from Cleveland back to his home in Brooklyn and realizing he was the only passenger on the plane. He tweeted out the above photo with the caption, "They rebooked everyone but me on another flight to LGA, so I am literally the only person on this plane."

He was so happy he requested that his personal flight attendants take a picture to commemorate the time he got to experience what it might be like to be a reclusive billionaire, or a traveler who may have recently contracted Ebola.

Have to give lots of credit to the flight attendant, who took one of the best pictures of me in a long time. pic.twitter.com/UcZ8BZLop1
— Chris O'Leary (@ohhleary) January 13, 2015

Not sure how I'd feel in that situation. No doubt, worry-free seat reclining while covered in five blankets sounds nice, but I'd be eventually become paranoid that the other passengers knew something about the flight that the crew and I weren't aware of. Or else I'd start worrying that no one wanted to fly with me because I looked dangerously creepy. Or, even worse, had major B.O.

It didn't take him long to acclimate himself to the baller lifestyle.

Just got a personal safety briefing from my two flight attendants.
— Chris O'Leary (@ohhleary) January 12, 2015

Just as the plane was leaving, however, O'Leary's fantasy flight home came to an abrupt end. Before he could remove his shoes and dig into ten tiny bags of pretzels, O'Leary was informed that they were returning to the gate to pick up one more, party-pooping passenger.

Totally awesome dog doesn't need anyone to fulfill her desires. Every week she has been taking public transportation to the dog park all by herself.

I got this. (via KOMO)

A black lab has been making her own dreams come true recently as passengers of Seattle's D line have noticed the dog getting on the bus by herself, riding for three stops, and then getting off at a dog park.

Sometimes she will sit with strangers, other times alone, but always checking out the window so she can recognize her stop.

"All the bus drivers know her. She sits here just like a person does," commuter Tiona Rainwater told Komo News as she and the dog rode the bus together.

"She makes everybody happy. How could you not love this face?"

The dog isn't a stray with a bus pass, however. She is the property of Jeff Lyons, a Seattle resident who has taken that trip with his dog Eclipse many times before. Sometimes, Jeff smokes a cigarette while waiting for the bus, and if the bus comes before he is finished, impatient Eclipse will just hop on the bus without him.

Minding her own business. (via KOMO)

"We get separated, she gets on the bus without me. We catch up at the dog park," Jeff Young tells KOMO.

He doesn't even need to pay for her ride.

"She's been urbanized, totally. She's a bus-riding, sidewalk-walking dog."

"Probably once a week I get a phone call. 'Hi. I have your dog Eclipse here on 3rd and Bell.'" Young continues. "I have to tell them, 'No. She's fine.' She knows what she's doing."

Who knew dogs were so good at public transportation?

Maybe Eclipse can stop by and give some lessons to this dog who totally lost his sense of self the second his owner left his side.

In a world that is truly awful, it's important to take a moment and recognize those who at least attempted to make it just a little less awful:

1. George Clooney, who used his lifetime achievement award speech at The Golden Globes to remind everyone that love matters.

(Getty)

George Clooney received the Cecile B. DeMille award for lifetime achievement. In his acceptance speech he talked about his wife, Amal Alamuddin Clooney, and how hard it was to find "the one" after 53 years. Women everywhere swooned. The institution of marriage was given its proper reverence. It was all very touching if you're willing to ignore how shallow the rest of Hollywood culture is and how Clooney probably acted during his years as a famous single man. Also, there's a chance he could change his mind about everything tomorrow. Then what? Anyway, a big round of applause for everyone who attended the Golden Globes for distracting us, however briefly, from the fact that we will one day all die and become dust. The night was sort of nice, I guess.

2. The American Worker for helping the unemployment rate drop a whole percentage point in 2014.

(Thinkstock)

The unemployment rate fell to a level it hasn't reached since 1999 thanks to the millions of hard-working Americans who who refused to give up even though job hunting is unmistakably one of the worst things people have to do. Over 252,000 jobs were added in December alone! Now, people all over America will get the chance to discover how undignified and boring working for a living feels. Sure, the economy is looking up, but who's really going to benefit from that? The poor?? HAHAHA! They won't. Nothing matters.

3. The disease specialists that developed Ebola vaccines that are ready to be tested on human volunteers.

(Getty)

The World Health Organization says they will soon start giving the Ebola vaccines to people in Africa. Congratulations to the doctors who discovered it and congratulations to humankind for being nearly done with Ebola. Now we only have to worry about the 6,000 other things that will likely kill us. I only wish more scientists would work on giving people a better reason to live instead of constantly focusing on keeping us alive. Then these doctors might have made "a difference."

4. Elon Musk, whose company SpaceX successfully delivered supplies to the International Space Station.

(Getty)

The privately-owned company SpaceX successfully landed its Dragon capsule on the ISS, providing much-needed supplies. The good news is we can send food and clothes to astronauts. The bad news is there's no way we will build more space stations fast enough to get all 7 billion people off this planet before we make Earth completely uninhabitable. I don't even know what humans gain by doing stuff like this since our species has most likely sealed its fate already. Oh well.

5. Coach Urban Meyer, who led the Ohio State Buckeyes to a national championship.

(Getty)

Urban Meyer led the Ohio State Buckeyes to a national championship title when they beat the Oregon Ducks 42-20. Ohio and college football in general were feeling proud until the fans ruined everything by setting 90 separate fires to celebrate the win. Why bother taking pride in a sports team if everyone is going to react by being a bunch of dicks? Why even follow sports in the first place? It's incredibly arbitrary who wins and who loses. Why even wake up in the morning, really? Ugh.

A g-g-g-g-ghost!

Guys, what the hell is going on in this video? Seriously, this is so weird and creepy that I'm not sure I can watch it a fourth time:

According to the Daily Record, the terrified dudes in the car are yelling "Move the car backwards," and "Faster! Faster!" in Arabic. Both reasonable things to shriek, given the circumstances. The area of Blackburn, England where this was filmed is supposedly haunted by the ghost of a monk who was murdered there 372 years ago this month.

I personally do not believe in ghosts, but I do believe in psychotic weirdos who chase terrified people down on darkened roads and club them to death while howling monstrously through toothless gums and cracked bloody lips. And I believe in old ladies in white coats who need a lift home because their cars broke down. And I also believe in dudes who talk their friends into dressing up in robes so that they can upload hoax videos to YouTube.

So, is this a ghost, a maniac, an old lady, or some pranksters? Who can say? Certainly not me, because I'd be driving the hell away from there at top speed.

Uh oh.

You're walking away from your patrol car after responding to a report of an apartment fire on your beat in Herculaneum, Missouri. Suddenly, you realize that you're being broadcast live to everyone in the greater St. Louis area via Fox 2 KTVI. What do you do?

What do you do?

Here's what this police officer did:

To be fair, they don't train you for this particular scenario in the police academy.

Back in September, Bill Hader went on Conan and did impressions of several of his fellow former SNL cast mates, including Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, and Jason Sudeikis (you can see them all below, although his Armisen impression is also in the clip above). Apparently, this transgression rubbed Armisen the wrong way, and he took his Conan appearance with Portlandia co-star Carrie Brownstein as an opportunity to do his Hader impression to get even. Who do you think did a better job?

Bob Ross was known for being able to make beautiful landscapes in minutes with seeming effortlessness. He transformed his hair the same way.

"Shoot. Let's have some fun." (via YouTube)

Nothing made staying home sick from school more worthwhile than flipping on PBS and letting Bob Ross make you feel like you could paint anything in the world. More soothing than Vicks rub, Ross's half-open shirt, soft, melodic voice, and—most importantly—his afro, were all part of the healing process.

Turns out, it was his hair that was processed.

Here's a picture that redditor DXGypsy unearthed of the man who permanantly personified trees as being "happy," circa 1970.

As DXGypsymentions in the comments section, "The fro was a perm."

Shoot. Let's paint a happy little fro. (via Imgur)

From the same comment thread, someone else found a picture of Ross from his military days.

Let's put down our sad little guns. (via reddit)

Apparently, this wasn't even a fashion choice, he just permed it to save on haircuts. Not sure how that math works out, but somehow Bob always makes things work out.

And now, because you've held the thermometer to the lightbulb for fifteen seconds, here's a short clip of him painting a quiet pond. Go on. You deserve it.

Jeremy Renner's joke about Jennifer Lopez boobs was totally fine. At least according to Jeremy Renner.

The globes joke heard 'round the world.(via Getty)

Jeremy Renner had a message for anyone offended by his Jennifer Lopez boob joke at the Golden Globe Awards. For those of you who missed it: Renner and Lopez were onstage presenting the award for Best Actor in a Series, Mini Series, and Other Stuff No One Remembers or Cares About Anymore because Renner made a crude joke likening a woman's breasts to a shady award created by a bunch of foreigners.

After Lopez agreed to open the envelope because "she had the nails," Renner quipped "You've got the globes too."

A great joke? Not by a long shot. But compared to how much he'd been struggling with the teleprompter, the riff sounded like Renner was suddenly channeling the spirit of Richard Pryor.

The quip received mixed reviews online, with the reactions ranging from "pig!" to "hero!" with very little in between. Perez Hilton called it "the best Globes pun possible," which is a clear indication that it was in poor taste.

Renner took to Twitter to defend the joke and tell his critics they could suck his tiny globes.

A reminder not to take this shit so serious. Thanks Jennifer -- You're a gem.x #goldenglobes#hadtosayit#jlohttp://t.co/Rg68ZbCIQT
— Jeremy Renner (@Renner4Real) January 12, 2015

His grammatically-challenged point seems to be that because J-Lo is laughing in the photo, she's a "gem" and the joke was no big deal. And it probably wouldn't have been, if it were made by Amy and Tina. Or Kathy Griffin. Or maybe even Neil Patrick Harris (c'mon, imagine it in your head). Renner gets to make dick jokes. That's just how it works.

Of course, he's free to make any joke he wants, as long as he's cool with hearing about it every time he goes on Twitter.

Redditor MeggoEggo1 is expecting, but she's not the father.

Uh oh, I'm not the father either. Who does that leave?

Redditor MeggoEggo1 posted the photo above with the title "A nontraditional baby announcement for a nontraditional family." Among the many very supportive comments on reddit were a lot of questions about how the couple decided who would get pregnant. MeggoEggo1 says there was never really any question.

"We measured our hips and she won," she joked.

Actually, MeggoEggo1 explains, "My wife has dated men before me so she always assumed she'd have a baby biologically. I had no interest. So it just worked out that way." She also reassures a concerned redditor that both women will play catch with their kid.

Someone make that baby a tiny t-shirt that says "I have two pretty cool mommies."

This Toddler drumming to Foo Fighter's "The Pretender" is the real deal.

What the unholy heck is going on here? There are lots of videos of small kids banging away on drum kits. Some can even keep a beat and approach "rocking" status. Most can't. This 2-year-old's drumming is so metal it's practically witchcraft. He not only keeps time with Foo Fighter's "The Pretender," he crushes it.

It's looks like an optical illusion. The sticks are bigger than his arms. It's like an adult trying to drum with the sawed-off legs of a wooden chair.

It looks like he's been taking lessons in North Korea at the Jong-Un School of Music and Tears.

I'd say the boy would be a musician to keep an eye out for, but Dave Grohl is so media savvy, the kid is probably already booked to play with the Foo Fighters on Ellen.