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This dog-walker has written the Great American Craigslist Ad.

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Every art form has those crowning works that bring their genres closer to perfection.

You got your Mona Lisas, you got your Davids, your Citizen Kanes, your War and Peaces, etc, etc. Well, three days ago, someone in Seattle created just such a work in the field of Craigslist dog-walker ads. This is the apotheosis of the somewhat-sad-but-hilariously-epic request for a job that's beneath the poster's skills. This is the apex of the typo-filled-but-grandiose balancing act between bombastic fantasy literature and open begging that makes Craigslist great. This... this is the dog-walker you want to hire (if you're from Seattle).

I think he means "made of amphetamines," but I can imagine a porn star mad of amphetamines, too.

Satisfaction not just for the dogs, but for the terrible humans as well!

The typos are really picking up pace here, which I believes speaks to his character's accelerating descent into crippling depression.

The tension in the above section between his first-hand knowledge of the American upper-class elite and the fact that he obviously does not belong is reminiscent of The Great Gatsby.

I am anxiously awaiting the sequel—"Professional Dog-Walker And Total Badass Seeks Roommate Who Is OK Living With Ivy League Failure." I expect great things from this author.


Ellen takes on anti-gay pastor and reveals what her secret agenda really is.

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Ellen's not afraid to admit she has a sinister agenda of getting people to be true to themselves.


Oh, hop on the Ellen bandwagon already.

In last week's Christian Post, an anti-gay Christian author attacked Ellen DeGeneres and Hollywood in general for what he sees as their "gay agenda." In particular, he suggested that Ellen "celebrates her lesbianism and 'marriage' in between appearances of guests like Taylor Swift to attract young girls."

Ellen had to respond, and she did so in classic Ellen fashion (positive message, ends with a dance party):

Everyone loves Ellen, you troll. If you want to turn us against the gays in Hollywood, you're going to have to pick someone less adorably likable to slander.

I guess I have to write this story about this guy who got his dick chopped off twice in one day.

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Here in America, when one of our angry women cuts off their husband's dick, it gets reattached and the husband goes on to do porn. In China, it gets reattached, and the wife sneaks in to the hospital to cut it off again.


Lung and Feng fighting in the hospital parking lot. I don't know why they blurred the image, there aren't any genitals to blur. Maybe he has huge balls?
(via CEN)

Cross your legs, this story gets painful.

Chinese husband and idiot Fan Lung, 32, used his wife's cell phone to send his 21-year-old mistress a "saucy message." Then, when he went to sleep, his wife, Feng, found the message and "grabbed a pair of scissors, stormed into their bedroom and cut off his penis while he was asleep."

Before we get into how she cut his donk off a second time after it was reattached, I demand he be immediately removed from the dick hospital to answer these questions:

What the hell is going on in China that you would use your wife's cell phone? Do couples still have to share phones even though almost all of them are made in China? Did your battery run out? What freak wants his mistress to have his wife's number? Why didn't you erase the message after it was sent?

What is wrong with you???

It's these kinds of unanswered questions that could lead a woman to dick-chopping madness. This isn't anger, this is an act of sterilization.

Anyway.

Lung went to the hospital and got his dong surgically reattached, and the wife—in an act benefitting women worldwide—snuck into his hospital room and chopped it off again.

Only, this time she threw it out the window.

Sources say he was so mad about the second dick chop, that he ran dicklessly after her, blood running everywhere, so he could hit her.

The Mirror reports that hospital staff described the incident like this,

"The first we were aware of what happened was when someone came into the reception area to say a naked man was beating up a woman outside the hospital. Staff rushed out to see what was happening and found the patient with blood streaming down his legs hitting the woman. He was stopped and the woman was taken in for treatment, and then we discovered she had chopped his penis off again."

See? Even the hospital staff used the word "chopped." It's a medical term.

The wife was arrested for grievous bodily harm, but it was all worth it, because Lung's lump wasn't able to be reattached a second time. They couldn't find it after she threw it out the window, and hospital staff assume it was eaten by a stray dog or cat.

Lung is said to be in "stable condition but is extremely emotionally distraught."

Yeah, I would be emotionally distraught too, if a cat knew what my dick tasted like.


Congrats, dummy. He's all yours. (via CEN)

And the mistress? She says she wants to marry lumpless Lung as soon as possible. If you can believe how desperate women are in China, the 21-year-old saucy message recipient visited her married dickless paramour in the hospital, refusing to leave his side and said, "It doesn't matter that he's lost his fertility, he has five children already."

Get it together, lady. You know what they say, "Once a cheater who has had his dick cut off twice, always a cheater who has had his dick cut off twice."

Someone turned Shaq's Gold Bond commercials into a liquid nightmare.

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Sadly, Gold Bond doesn't make a product that will soothe your mind after this sets it on fire.

YouTuber DavyForce, aka the TV Sheriff, has taken a series of ads Shaquille O'Neal did for Gold Bond spray and turned them into a series of bizarre, liquefied fever dreams that would make Tim & Eric wonder who laced their pot. I don't watch enough television, because I had never seen these ads before (I had, of course, seen the clip of Shaq wiggling, immortalized in the Vine of him facing off against Dancing Cat - see below). On the other hand, now I hope I never see them because A.) it will give me flashbacks to this, and B.) as terrifying as this is, it's way better than these could ever be.

Guy uses his brand new $3,000 drone for first time and immediately crashes it into his house.

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The DJI Inspire's auto takeoff works fine. It's the landing it in one piece that's the problem.


At least the garage is fine.

Today's drone flying lesson comes courtesy of YouTuber Mark Taylor, the former owner of a functioning DJI Inspire quadcopter: Even though "everything says it's safe to fly," you should probably go to an open area before attempting to use the "auto takeoff" feature.

"We'll see if it does any shimmying," he says, right before the new $3,000 toy auto-takes off on a suicide mission into the side of his garage. At least it didn't do any shimmying.

The video I really want to see is from the one recovered from the doomed DJI.

Next time, he should try flying it in a wide open space 'til he works the kinks out. Preferably, one near a pond or lake. That way, in the event of a crash, he might inadvertently produce a thrilling water rescue video, like this guy:

Here is every single thing that you could possibly want to remember about the year 1998.

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Remember when America's biggest problem was dealing with the lameness brought on by prosperity?


Ugh. I was literally less fly than this guy in 1998.

A lot of supercuts promise to transport you to this world or that place or this time, but "Remember 1998" (part of YouTuber ThePeterson's much larger Remember series) will kick you in the Nineties, hard. Unlike many retrospectives, this mash-up combines TV, film, music as well as video games to create a panorama that only Nineties kids (and their parents and everyone else) will understand.

Let me just lay my cards on the table, here: I was 13 years old for most of 1998. This may be a walk down memory lane for you, but it's a trip to Pimples-And-Fantasy-Novels Alley for me. I am not saying I had a tough childhood—I did not—but I had reached my adult height (which didn't amount to much) while being an actual 98-pound weakling, resulting in many people telling me I looked like I was in my 20s...and addicted to heroin. In fact, the only thing worse than this would have been remembering 1999.

Dammit.

This teen's Northern Irish accent is so thick it made him an Internet star.

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In the United States, this accent is more commonly known as "15 beers."


What's that?

For local news interview to go viral, the person speaking usually has to say something pretty extraordinary. In the case of Ruairí McSorley, it's the extraordinary way he speaks.

Ruairí was speaking with a local reporter in his hometown of Londonderry about the uncommonly cold weather they've been experiencing in Northern Ireland. He answers in English, but with an accent so thick it sounds like he's performing a soliloquy from Ulysses. During the original press junket.

See if you can figure out what he's saying in one listen.

Did you get that? Unless your happen to know Ruairí from around town, probably not.

Here's the transcript based on my own analysis (listening, giving up, and Googling "Irish teen accent").

Ruairí: Well, the mother says we had to go anyway. We hadn't much of a choice in the matter. But sure...

Reporter: It's a cold, is a cold journey to school this morning.

Ruairí: Oh, god, you wouldn't be long gettin' frost bit.

Now that that's settled, the only remaining question is: how cold does it need to be for this kid to put on a coat?

Watch as two QVC hosts attempt to figure out what the Moon is.

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This QVC debate about the moon is the worst thing to happen to fashion since stone washed jeans.


"Is a natural satellite cheaper than cable?"

No one watches QVC to learn about astronomy. And Isaac Mizrahi isn't Neil deGrasse Tyson. But Mike Tyson would've punched his TV set while watching the hosts of Isaac Mizrahi Live! engage in a heated debate whether Earth's moon is a planet, a star, or a hunk of cheese.

The line about cheese was most likely a joke, but because it was uttered during what has to be one of the dumbest discussions ever about the Moon by anyone over the age of five, who can say for sure?

"There was Uranus, and there was Saturn, and the one with the rings..."


3 simple changes that could have improved last night's 'Agent Carter.'

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"Maybe this hole leads nowhere interesting."

I've got to say, I'm really enjoying Marvel's Agent Carter so far. And I thought last night's episode was pretty good. Last week's double episode was a little better, slightly more exciting, but this wasn't terrible. Still, anything can be improved, right? So, here's a few things I was thinking the show runners could do to maybe beef it up before the season gets released on DVD:

1. How about a karate fight with this "Dottie" girl?

Come on now. They didn't spend five minutes introducing us to some naive hayseed with an impossibly big smile just because they need another overly dumb character on the show. They're at capacity as it is. Plus, she's played by mildly famous person Bridget Regan, whom many comic book fans were hoping would be cast as Wonder Woman. So, I'm think that "Dotty"—the starry-eyed would-be ballerina from Iowa who just so happens to take up residence in Peggy's apartment building—is a spy of some sort. This i09 commenter makes a decent, though speculative, argument linking Dottie's ballerina training to the Red Room, the Russian that responsible for created the super spy Black Widow. If that is the case, why are we even screwing around? Let's see some ballet-tinged kickboxing fisticuffs!


2. Maybe make that weird green glowy thing actually do something cool?

I'm willing to look past the fact that Agent Carter's brilliant detective work in this episode mostly consisted of climbing down a hole into a mansion floor and following a tunnel about 70 yards to a boat where all of Howard Stark's were being stored. Whatever. Just so long as it moves the story forward. But once they get there and they find the crazy-looking green contraption—which was obviously introduced for the express purpose of using on whatever characterless bad guy would be popping up in the next minute-and-a-half (this is known by dramaturge's as "Chekhov's Crazy-Looking Green Contraption")—I was kind of hoping it would do something cool, like turn people into a puddle of incandescence goo or sizzle them into a bacon-like pile of meat. Badass-seeming weaponry should do more than give its victims a really bad Charlie horse.


3. Isn't there a less boring way to kill people than shooting them with regular non-magic bullets?

Look, I realize that this is a '40s-era espionage thriller. But it's a '40s-era espionage thriller set in the Marvel Universe. And I don't tune into shows set in the Marvel Universe to watch people get boring shot with regular basic guns. I'm as happy as anyone that that douchebag Agent Krzeminski got his. But, but couldn't the mysterious assassin have opened up an interdimensional portal so that Krzeminski could get eaten by an Asgardian sandworm? Why do I have to come up with all this stuff myself?

Can't quit you.

This talk show guest's epic wipeout is one of the great TV entrances of all time.

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You only have one chance to make a first impression. If nothing else, this guy made his memorable.

The shame is that this guest on the Arab talk show Back to School looked really smooth for the first few seconds. Walking confidently, arms outstretched as if to say "dig me." Then his enthusiastic trot up the steps turned into a slapstick routine, and the hot female guest went from being excited to see him to ducking for cover as he flailed around like a drunk on roller skates.

How do you recover from a fall like that on live TV? Kind of hard for a host to transition from that into "Tell me about the new show." If the producers were smart, the only clip they cut to during for the rest of the show was the one of Arab Cosmo Kramer hitting the deck. Over and over.

For better or worse.

These jerks were caught on camera making a pizza delivery guy give back his tip. The Internet went nuts.

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This car dealership learned the hard way that the Internet hates bad tippers.

Most people stop playing pranks on pizza delivery guys once they're teenagers. By the time you're old enough to have had a shitty, underpaid job, you're old enough not to think it's funny to make someone with a shitty, underpaid job have a bad day.

Apparently, the used car salesmen at F&R Auto Sales in Westport, MA, never learned that lesson.

In the video above, Palace Pizza delivery guy Jarrid Tansey gets harassed by a few F&R employees. Apparently, Tansey delivered an order that cost $42. The company paid with two $20 bills and two $5 bills. After confirming the $50 amount was correct, Tansey assumed the extra $7 and change was his tip and headed back to the restaurant.

That's when those jerks at the dealership called the pizza place to get their $7 back.

In the video, Tansey returns the change, then asks why they'd given him the extra $5 in the first place. "I'm not mad. I just had to waste my resources coming back here," he says. That's when they start threatening him.


#TeamJarrid.

The guy in blue says, "The manager apologized once for you. Do you want him to apologize again for you?" And then the woman jokingly threatens to "put my foot in your ass." Tansey leaves, and a third person says to get the Palace Pizza manager on the phone because "I want [Tansey] fired."

The dealership actually originally posted the video themselves with the title "Irate pizza driver," apparently under the delusion that the Internet would take their side. But the Internet never sides with the strong, the pizza-orderers. It sides with the people who got cheated out of a tip.

By the time the dealership took their video down, it was too late, and the wrath of the Internet rained down.


(via Google+)

People started uncovering and posting personal information of the people in the video to 4chan. Others took to Yelp, Google+, and the dealership's Facebook page (which seems to be down now) to spam them with negative reviews. It's a tactic we've seen before.


(via Yelp)

Palace Pizza manager Adam Willoughby told Boston.com that people have been calling from around the country to show their support, and some have even offered to donate funds to Tansey.

The folks from F&R Auto Sales even came over to apologize. Unfortunately, in the court of Internet opinion, they're already guilty.

Here's what it looks like if all the male leaders are photoshopped out of the Paris rally.

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Hint: it looks like a very poorly attended rally.


The original photo: men stand united!(via GPO)

Earlier this week, we reported that an Ultra-Orthodox Jewish newspaper had photoshopped all the women out of a photo of world leaders at the Paris solidarity rally this past Sunday.

The photoshop job came about because of the editors' overzealous sense of modesty (men aren't supposed to gaze at photos—or even names—of women). Whatever the reasoning behind it, people were pretty upset, calling the image sexist.


No women: But some weird, blurry masses. (via Walla)

This gave the folks over at Irish satirical newspaper Waterford Whispers Newsan idea.

What if someone took all the men out of the photo?


No men: But a lot more space to walk. (via Waterford Whispers News)

Pretty pathetic. Thanks for the reminder, guys.

Here are all the Oscar nominations that anyone cares about, with some hasty, uninformed predictions.

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The Oscar Nominations are in. For a change of pace, this morning's announcement included nominations from all 24 categories.


One of the greatest sci-fi directors ever, and the guy who's directing Star Wars.

While everyone nominated made major contributions to the world of cinema, and we wouldn't even have movies without the hard work and dedicated artistry of each of them, below are the nominations in the eight categories that anyone ever pays attention to.


The tie-less, unbuttoned collar says, "I turned down several invites to orgies to be here."

To announce this year's noms, human action figure Chris Pine was joined by last year's winner for Best Director, Alfonso Cuarón, as well as Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs, and J.J. Abrams. Cuarón and Abrams delivered the first batch of nominations, followed by Pine and Boone Isaacs with the above-the-title stuff.

Here are the nominees in the big eight categories:

1. Best Supporting Actress

Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Laura Dern, Wild

Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game

Emma Stone, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance)

Meryl Streep, Into The Woods

Who's going to win: Patricia Arquette. People in Hollywood take about 5 weeks off for Christmas, so they can't stop freaking out at having to work on one movie for twelve years.

2. Best Supporting Actor

Robert Duvall, The Judge

Ethan Hawke, Boyhood

Edward Norton, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance)

Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher

J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Who's going to win: J.K. Simmons. Yes, Ethan Hawke also gave twelve years to Boyhood, but he mostly turned in eight years as Ethan Hawke and four years as Ethan Hawke with a mustache. And since Boyhood was so realistic, it's like they're offering awards to a struggling single mom and a well-meaning but nonetheless absentee dad. This is America. Absentee dads don't get trophies.

Which leaves Edward Norton (nope. The only awards for Birdman are going to Keaton and maybe Iñárritu), and J.K. Simmons, who just won the Globe for being an ahole in Whiplash. And he'll probably win it again. Who's going to beat him, Robert Duvall in his most forgettable role in a crappy movie no one saw?

3. Best Actress

Marion Cotillard, Two Days One Night

Felicity Jones, The Theory Of Everything

Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

Reese Witherspoon, Wild

Who's going to win: Julianne Moore. Reese already won one of these. She's like three and a half feet tall, she can't even lift two Oscars at once. Julianne Moore got nominated four times already and never won. None of the others stand a chance.

4. Best Actor

Steve Carell, Foxcatcher

Bradley Cooper, American Sniper

Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game

Michael Keaton, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance)

Eddie Redmayne, The Theory Of Everything

Who's going to win: Michael Keaton. Come on. Did you hear his speech at the Globes about his hardsscrabble life with 87 siblings living in a coal mine in Pittsburgh? Even his speech is being adapted into a movie and that's going to win too.

5. Best Adapted Screenplay

American Sniper, Jason Hall

Imitation Game, Graham Moore

Inherent Vice, Paul Thomas Anderson

Theory Of Everything, Anthony McCarten

Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

What's going to win? Hell if I know. Whiplash? None of these movies is a frontrunner and adapted screenplay is a weird category, so maybe Whiplash since it's kind of the sleeper favorite that everyone's loving.

6. Best Original Screenplay

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance), Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Armando Bo, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr

Boyhood, Richard Linklater

Foxcatcher, E. Max Frye and Dan Futterman

The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson

Nightcrawler, Dan Gilroy

What's going to win: Boyhood. Yeah, the cool thing was using the same actors over twelve years, but people love a sweep, and most of the praise for Birdman is for Michael Keaton and the movie's "ambition." When people praise ambition, it usually means the movie didn't quite live up to it.

7. Best Director

Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance)

Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Bennett Miller, Foxcacther

Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

Morton Tyldum, The Imitation Game

Who's going to win: Linklater forBoyhood. Not only for the twelve years thing, but they get to treat a long-beloved indie director like the weird, artistic son who's finally grown up, gotten his shit together, and come back home.

8. Best Picture

American Sniper

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance)

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Imitation Game

Selma

The Theory Of Everything

Whiplash

What's going to win: Boyhood. Come on. Twelve years is a really long time. Remember how long it felt to be in grade school. That long!


Reporter panics when interviewee attempts to show new Charlie Hebdo cover on the air.

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Since last week's attacks on the offices of Charlie Hebdo in Paris, some journalistic institutions have said, "We must affirm freedom of speech by sharing provocative images from that paper." Meanwhile, others have responded, "We must affirm freedom of speech, in theory, sure, but we're not looking to ruffle any feathers, y'know?"

UK-based Sky News revealed they're in the latter camp—"Je suis NOT SO MUCH Charlie" (you're welcome for the perfect French grammar)—when Caroline Fourest, a contributor to the paper, held up the paper's new cover featuring the Prophet Muhammad.

"It is completely crazy that in U.K. you cannot show a simple drawing as that," she said.

Meanwhile, the video feed shot back to the profusely apologizing anchor faster than you can say "censorship."

Three day bender.

For the best in cinematography, you can't do better than Dick Poop.

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The nominations for the Oscars were announced today, and everyone is excited for the one nominee who no one thought would ever make it past the Encyclopedia of Medical Anomalies: Dick Poop.

Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs quickly realized her mistake in mispronouncing the nominee's name, and corrected it to Dick Pope for the movie Mr. Turner, but it was too late. We all heard Dick Poop, and now that's all I can ever hear.

And not just when I think about Dick Pope (which is never), but any time. It's like one of those words you never heard before and then once you hear it you notice it everywhere. Washing the dishes, and the faint voice in my mind whispers, "Dick Poop." Checking the mail, "Dick Poop." Going to the bathroom, "what if a dick actually pooped? I need to see a dick poop."

When will Dick Pope film Dick Poop? When it inevitably becomes nominated for an Oscar, will it be mispronounced as Dick Pope?

Dick Poop

Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop Dick Poop



If America was split up based on each state's favorite alcohol, this would be the new map.

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Politically, Americans are only blue or red. Alcoholically, they're a sopping wet rainbow of diversity.


Now all I can think about is people buried under lake-effect snow hailing the "Northern Ice Wine & Reisling Alliance." (via Vinepair. Click for enlarged image)

Like any simple assertion about alcohol and what kinds of people drink what kinds of it, there are probably a few people out there who would take strong exception to their new countries' labels. But wine blog Vinepair must have a pair on their vine because they went ahead and boldly claimed much of the country's most populous regions as wine country. The light-hearted but informative blog put out the map yesterday, and it led to much discussion online and presumably some fights in a bar later. But it turns out that they're right! Americans drink beer and wine about evenly these days, according to Gallup, especially young people.


I do not understand the Pacific Northwest. Nevada is depressingly easy to get, though.

I still have a few questions—I get that there are a lot of craft beer nuts living in Seattle, but are you really telling me that the mountainous interior of Washington likes wine more than Seattle? I also think we're underestimating the liquoriness of the South.


Sen. Mitch McConnel, from the Great State of Jugs Marked XXX.

But overall, it appears that this map checks out, and we drink a lot more wine than we know. Also, Alaskans drink fermented bee spit. Don't get me wrong, I love me some bee spit in my coffee, but fermented bee spit? What, is Alaska some kind of huge Renaissance Faire where everyone uses axes and lives on their own with axes and....ok yeah I've seen enough Discovery Channel to know that that is exactly what Alaska is, sorry.


Were they drunk when they made this? Alaska is smaller than TX on this map

Head over to Vinepair to see the full-sized map in all its glory.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 15, 2015

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1. Academy Announces Its 47 Nominees For Best Picture, Along With One Or Two That Have An Actual Chance At Winning

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences this morning announced its exhaustive list of movies that have just next to zero percent chance of winning an Oscar for Best Picture. Among the many movies that will never in a million years take home the statuette despite technically being in the running are American Sniper, Whiplash and something that I think is called The Theory of Imitation Games. Genuine contenders Birdman, Boyhood and The Grand Budapest Hotel are obviously also nominated.


2. Jennifer Aniston Snubbed By Oscars For Her Brave Role As A Woman Who Stops Exercising For A Few Weeks

Despite a decent amount of Oscar buzz and studio effort, Jennifer Aniston has found herself among a large list of actors and filmmakers who were denied Academy Award nominations this year, despite her role as a woman who has to stop going to the gym for a while in the film Cake seeming to be tailor-made for award season.


3. America's Communist Dictator Announces Plan To Tear Down Business Owners By Making Them Pay Lazy, Sickly Employees

Barack Obama has come up with a brand new way to destroy America and annoy your conservative uncle: compensation for sick workers. The President is expected to call upon Congress to enact legislation that would require companies to give sick workers up to seven days of paid sick leave a year instead of just firing them. The GOP-controlled Congress is expected to laugh right in his face.


4. Dealing With IRS This Year Will Be Slightly Less Of A Joy

According to a report from National Taxpayer Advocate Nina Olson, budget cuts will drive many taxpayers to insanity this year as less than half of all desperate people just trying to get one goddamn human being at the IRS on the phone will succeed before bashing their heads into a bloody pulp on the wall.


5. Man's Brilliant Glitter-Based Business Plan Turns Out To Be Less Than Ideal

Mathew Carpenter—the Australian man behind the Internet's favorite glitter bomb revenge site—is reportedly already hating his life as a successful business owner. "Please stop buying this horrible glitter product—I'm sick of dealing with it," the 22-year-old glitter-covered entrepreneur implored of his enthusiastic customers on Product Hunt.

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