Too good.
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Here's what science says is the most dangerous sex position.
We now know who to blame when dicks get broken.
Be careful out there.
A new study out of Brazil (where they do all the best sex position studies) has revealed that the most dangerous sex position is "woman on top" or "cowgirl."
The study of 44 men with fractured penises was conducted to find out why this "relatively uncommon clinical condition" occurs, and what you can do at home to stop it from happening to you.
If you feel like squirming, consider that half of the men heard an "audible crack" that led them to suspect fracture.
The Independent reports that the woman being on top is dangerous "because the woman controls the penis with her entire body weight landing on it and is unable to interrupt it when it suffers a 'wrong way penetration'." After "woman on top," doing it "doggy style" (it really says "doggy style" in the study!) is the second most dangerous sex position.
So ladies, next time you're feeling lazy, remind your man that if you're on top, there's a pretty good chance his penis will audibly snap in half.
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Someone at ESPN accidentally tweeted out a link to the porn they were watching.
ESPN's national recruiting analyst has been watching the tape, and it's a porno.
Gigem, indeed.
Yesterday afternoon, ESPN's Gerry Hamilton tweeted out something or other about Roquan Smith, a high school linebacker. He also included an entirely unrelated link to Pornhub.
Hamilton is a self-described "father of an awesome 8 year old, Golf Channel nut, Basset owner." I don't see "pornhub-lover" on that list, but I suppose it's implied in all our Twitter bios.
Hamilton has since replaced the tweet with one that has the correct link and is therefore pretty boring:
#ESPN300 No. 29 Roquan Smith schedules OV to Texas A&M Jan. 23. #UCLA Jan. 30. Already OV to #UGA& #Michigan. #Gigemhttp://t.co/6uwDImKu9F
— Gerry Hamilton (@HamiltonESPN) January 21, 2015
This is your daily public service reminder to copy edit your social media posts and never copy your Pornhub links.
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Sperm whale fights off divers with rare, hilarious "poonado."
Talk about your stress shits.
Sperm whale unleashes poonado hell on group of divers http://t.co/MCjEmtF6iMpic.twitter.com/xaxC8Kv3Bj
— Daily Mail Online (@MailOnline) January 22, 2015
Divers off the island of Dominica encountered one of the ocean's most dignified and majestic creatures, the sperm whale. Hurray! Oh wait, it's turning around....oh wait, it's spraying poop all over us.
Some of the ways the divers described this experience to the Telegraph: "The water was like chocolate milk, I couldn't see my hand when I held it in front of my face" and "I had poop in my eyes, mouth, wetsuit, everywhere and I was soaked in it from head to toe."
If you're wondering if this was just unfortunate timing for everybody, it doesn't sound like it:
Four of us looked at each other with confusion, then back at the whale, expecting that any second its call from nature would come to an end. Instead, the whale bobbed up and down, spun in circles and waved the poo in every direction for several minutes while we just sat back and watched.
The rare defense mechanism is being labeled a "poonado," which is a fun new vocab word for us all to start working into daily conversations.
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North Carolina man wakes up to a science experiment in his truck after unusually cold night.
What's cooler than being cool? Science.
Having temperatures drop to 12°F (-10°C) overnight in North Carolina—as they did this week—is unusual, but hardly shocking. Finding that your water bottles have frozen after a night of icy temperatures is the exact opposite of surprising. Finding that they haven't frozen? That's weird. Not as weird, though, as when they freeze faster than an extra in The Day After Tomorrow if you shake or hit them.
That, my friends, is the magic that Vimeo user jmarco6969 woke up to earlier this week; the magic of middle school science. Specifically, the magic of why purified, bottled water will drop below freezing (because it has no impure molecules around which to start forming ice crystals).
P.S. I like that the guy tried to save one of the bottles for his kid. There is no way it wouldn't either freeze from the bumpy truck ride or slowly warm up after sitting on a black truckbed in the sun. But he seems nice.
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Second chances.
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Here's why you should always put your burning car in park before extinguishing the flames.
Or at least don't commit arson on a hill.
Maybe he's trying to change the radio station?
This longish video some firebug was taking for their burning car compilation captures a perfect example of why you should always put your car in park. Okay, Dad, I get it now.
At about 1:28, things start to get interesting as a fire truck rolls up to put out the blaze but instead sends a missile down a residential road. One fireman makes a brave attempt to stop this imminent disaster, reaching into the front of A BURNING CAR, but then is basically like, "F*ck it."
Some fires can't be pinned down because they burn too bright.
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This guy got a doctor's note excusing him for being terrible at sex.
Doctor, Doctor, giving the news. I've got a bad case of loving my girlfriend to the point that I hurt my back and can't perform sexual services.
A redditor going by the user name mitchiganjfrog (but his doctor calls him Shaun) posted this note he received from his doctor after he hurt his back twice in one week. First, he hurt it at work, then a second time "in the bedroom."
Whatever happened that second time was enough for his doctor to assume he was going above and beyond what his poor spinal column could handle, so he wrote this medical certificate (excuse):
"He WILL BE UNFIT TO CONTINUE his USUAL OCCUPATION or SEXUAL services. Shaun can only take part in sexual activity flat on his back with minimal effort on his part."
He only gets one day to make good on this prescription of dead fish sex, better make it a good one.
Either Shaun has enough health insurance to get his doctor to help him make jokes, or he has Microsoft Word and a printer. Either way, his girlfriend is coming out on top.
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Bad sign.
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Overwhelmed little boy describes his first kiss, which made his brain go "kablooey!"
And I've never felt that way...
Have you ever kissed someone you weren't that into because you were lonely, or tipsy or got sucked into a game of spin the bottle even though you're a grown woman? Then, in a Seinfeld voice thought, what's the deal with kissing?
That's because kissing is magic! Without that certain special spark between two people, you're just rubbing sphincters together. Well, this little boy got his first kiss, and it sounds like they shared one hell of a spark. Listen to Griffin very lucidly describe the excitement of pressing lips to lips when it MEANS something, dammit.
"It goes to my brain, it goes to my heart."
And then it goes to the Internet, Griffin. Then it goes to the Internet.
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Love yourself.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 22, 2015
1. Patriots Coach Wants You To Know He's Not Unscrupulous, He's Just Inept
Speaking at a press conference this morning, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick said that he was "shocked" to learn of all the underinflated balls the team he manages uses and that he has "no explanation" for how such a thing could happen. So, don't accuse him of being a cheater, just accuse him of being terrible at his job.
Bill Belichick: I didn't know any balls were deflated. I didn't even know we used balls in the game. I've never seen a ball. What is "ball"?
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) January 22, 2015
2. Congress Relaxes Its Policy Of Denying Scientific Evidence Slightly
Faced with a mountain of evidence, the U.S. Senate put a long-standing conservative talking point to bed when it voted 98-1 yesterday to affirm that climate change is not a hoax. Lest you think this vote will usher in a new age of rational thinking and respect for scientific in Congress, legislators have only allowed themselves to believe in it up to the point where they don't have to do anything about it. "The hoax is that there are some people who are so arrogant to think they are so powerful they can change climate. Man can't change climate," Senator and science-not-understander Jim Inhofe explained on the Senate floor.
Kinda want global warming to destroy us just to spite the grandkids of climate change deniers.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) November 7, 2014
3. Measles Virus Having The Time Of Its Life At Disneyland
Thanks to the continued efforts of anti-vaccination activists, the once-nearly-deceased measles virus was given a chance to run rampant all over the Disneyland theme park in Anaheim, California. The adorable, highly contagious pathogen even got a chance to infect dozens of people in the process, jumpstarting an outbreak which could have devastating effects. Stories like this really warm your heart and cause a red blotchy rash on your skin, don't they?
I'm still not going to Disneyland even though they give out free measles now.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) January 22, 2015
4. 60 Percent Of Denver Audience Willing To Laugh Along With Guy Who Is Accused Of Raping 35 Women
Of the 3,100 people who bought tickets to see accused rapist Bill Cosby's upcoming stand-up show in Denver, 1,200 of them requested refunds so that they do not have to sit in a room and witness the comedy performance of a person who allegedly does ungodly things to helpless women. The remaining 1,900 are presumably totally fine with the idea.
40% of the tickets for Bill Cosby's Denver shows were returned for refunds. See, consuming pot doesn't make you stupid.
— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) January 22, 2015
5. Brits Rejoice As Their Daily Ration Of Nipples Is Restored
It would appear as though the rumors of the death of the Sun newspaper's beloved Page 3 girl tradition have been greatly exaggerated. The naked boobs upon which the United Kingdom have come to rely will carry on between page 2 and page 4, where they have resided for decades. God save the Queen's knockers.
Campaigning to clothe page 3 models in the age of the Internet is like campaigning to ban microwave ovens during a nuclear war.
— Matt Suddain (@suddain) January 22, 2015
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On the right foot.
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Outlook not so good.
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Will Ferrell throws a basketball directly at a cheerleader's face, is forcibly removed from arena.
Don't worry, it was for a movie.
Will Ferrell being led out of the Smoothie King Center by security at halftime of the Pelicans/Lakers game. pic.twitter.com/AaOTEL8716
— Brett (@thecajunboy) January 22, 2015
A seemingly drunken Will Ferrell was carried out of the Smoothie King Center by security during the halftime of last night's Pelicans/Lakers game after making a slurred speech about harming anyone who touches his children, smashing a cheerleader in the face while attempting a half-court shot, and then launching another ball through the air.
A fan at the game captured all of this here:
According to nola.com, those in attendance were informed ahead of time that this was all a set-up for a film shoot for Ferrell's upcoming movie with Mark Wahlberg, Daddy's Home. In the film, Ferrell plays "a mild-mannered radio executive who is determined to become the best stepdad possible to the children of his new wife (Cardellini). Wahlberg plays the children's 'freewheeling and freeloading' biological father, whose sudden re-emergence forces Ferrell's character to compete for the affection of the children."
The set-up might explain why you can hear booing as Ferrell begins to talk. Or, people in New Orleans are over Ferrell's antics.
Either way, here's a much better look at Will Ferrell doing what he does best: smashing cheerleaders in the face. Stay classy, Ferrell. (Click lower right icon for sound).
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Idiot thieves arrested because they couldn't stop taking selfies with their stolen iPad.
Crime pays fine. It's stupid crime that doesn't.
Stupid Move #347: Money carries disease. Don't put it in your mouth.
Despite what the news portrays, crime in America has fallen consistently and dramatically since the high-water mark in the early 90s. After reading the story of Dillan Thompson and Dorian Walker, who took 17 selfies on a stolen iPad and uploaded a video to YouTube where they flashed $5,000 in stolen cash at a Burger King (so probably more like $4,987.50 at that point) while using their real names, I'm starting to fear that the drop in crime may actually be related to our struggling schools. How many would-be criminals are simply too stupid to commit crimes in 2015? It's a worrying thought.
Stupid Move #455: Vertical video. If you're too stupid to turn your camera sideways, you're too stupid to steal.
Or, as Harris County Constable Alan Rosen put it right after arresting them, "They are not very bright crooks." As if to set the record straight on that matter, Dillan Thompson admitted to reporters that he did not know what the iCloud was.
This story began last week, when the iPad's owner first saw the selfies a few days after the robbery. It ended last night with their arrest.
The two idiots, who refer to themselves as the Money Crew (vastly underestimating both the amount of money and the number of people you need to deserve a name like that), stole an iPad and $5,000 cash out of a truck belonging to Randy Schaeffer. Judging by the fact that he had five grand in his truck and was willing to talk to police, I'm gonna go ahead and say Randy is a contractor. Also, Randy's flowing mullet is basically a business card that says "yes, I can build you a deck."
In a pinch, a contractor's mullet can double as a resumé.
Randy accepted his fate and wrote the theft off as a loss, until he logged into the iCloud after a few days and found that Dillan and Dorian had connected the iPad to Starbucks wi-fi, resulting in 17 selfies being synced to Apple's online storage system.
Not long after Schaefer reported this to police, sources online alerted authorities to the Burger King video the Money Crew had uploaded to YouTube in which they play with stolen hundreds, talk about "hustlin" like they just discovered and mastered the concept, say their names and generally present the prosecution with all the necessary details.
The Burger King video where they give Houston's district attorney everything they could want:
Despite their lack of gadget smarts, it took police several days to track them down. "It's difficult because they don't live in a fixed location. They are moving around quite a bit," said Constable Rosen. They found them just in time, though, because according to the suspects, they were about to leave for Colorado.
I'm pretty sure they'd have gone online to tell everyone, though.
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Watch yourself.
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Adorable kitten easily hypnotized by another cat's tail, falls over.
Don't blink or you'll miss the cuteness.
All cats land on their feet, unless they've been lulled by the swaying of another cat's tail.
Finally, a clue as to how to defend ourselves in the inevitable event we come under attack by a kitten army.
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Here's what a commercial for Facebook would look like if it was made in the mid-90s.
A comedian has imagined what a commercial for Facebook would have looked like if the site had come out at the same time as AOL.
The giant monitor, the stilted conversation, the awful haircuts! It's a level of awkwardness that now only exists in all of our online communications.
Comedian Brent Weinbach modeled this parody after a real AOL commercial from 1995. In it, an Internet-savvy man gives his busy friend advice about getting tasks done quickly using Facebook. I kind of want to scream at the man who isn't using Facebook to run away before his entire life gets sucked into the void.
Still, it's sad that Facebook didn't exist in the 90s, because then all of our walls could look like this:
Here's the (100% real!) original AOL ad this is based on:
There was never any hope for us.
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Finally, a Cialis pill for New England Patriots players with deflated balls.
Symptoms of deflated balls include disappointing America.
This parody video comes to you via the Pittsburgh-based sports humor blog Benstonium. If anger about the Patriots' empty-balls scandal lasts for more than four hours, consider calling a Colts fan who will join you in hating them.
If you haven't heard yet, the Patriots were caught cheating...again...when at least 11 of the 12 balls they used in their AFC championship win over the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday were found to be illegally deflated. Footballs are supposed to contain between 12.5 and 13.5 pounds of pressurized air, but the Patriots' balls were on average two pounds underweight, which gave QB Tom Brady a lot more oomph in his passes. This was noted by Colts safety Mike Adams, who intercepted two passes and gave both balls to the Colts' equipment manager on the suspicion that they had been tampered with. Patriots manager Bill Bellichick, a man nobody likes even if they root for his team, defended himself by claiming to be totally clueless and bad at his job.
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