This could be lunch, but you playin'.

Zari is a 7-year-old lioness who lives at the El Paso Zoo. She apparently loves kids. As Zoo spokesperson Karla Martinez told TODAY.com, "When some of our lions see little kids, it seems like it calls attention to them and they want to check them out."

Yes. I, too, get excited when a little breakfast burrito taps on my window. "She was just trying to play," continued Karla, who is a spokesperson and not an animal behaviorist, "and the baby was so close. The baby is safe behind a really thick window, which is made so that visitors can see the animals up close."

Oh, that's what that is. I thought Zari was merely an experienced mime doing a show to delight the children.

We ignored our actual work to randomly survey our extremely bored 3,176,543 Facebook followers.

What we set out to discover was simple: What are we all compulsively escaping from in any one moment?

Are we even aware we're just constantly sprinting in the opposite direction of our jobs, significant others, children, pets, chores, creepy neighbors, and general physical and emotional well-being?

As it turns out, yes! Yep, we know what we're avoiding and we don't really give a crap. Comfortingly, we have a lot of dislikes in common. See the best responses below.

Maybe it's time for a new dustbuster and antidepressant?

Line the asses up in a row and you'll still have a free hand for status updates.

Just make sure to avoid the 273 million people who post pictures of food.

Pretty sure you can just call 911 when that happens.

Maybe seeing all the show spoilers will help.

Isn't that what most people are reading on the treadmill?

Your life sounds really stressful and adorable.

Maybe this is the lack of breakfast talking but are you guys hiring?

Yep, nothing is more embarrassing than not looking at your phone.

It's a shame your kids don't have something in their lives like social media.

That person is called the mailman.

Some of the world's most successful people don't wear any pants at all.

Good call. Nothing on Facebook will make you want to barf.

Pretty sure that was in the job description.

Wait. Is that a job or a habit you're trying to break?

Even your dog is judging you.

Hope it gets a lot of "likes"!

May as well give us a play-by-play, sir. It's better than facing our real lives.

A game of OCD issues one-upmanship gets really nuts when Lena Dunham admits to her obsession with having sex with Chris Farley.

Last night on "The Late Late Show," guest host Judd Apatow invited neruotic buds Adam Sandler, Maria Bamford, and Lena Dunham to discuss the weird stuff they've done in the name of keeping their sanity. Apatow flicks his toes to the syllables of words on TV, Bamford had to sing a song or she would "become gay," and Adam Sandler told a story about how Chris Farley once had to leave for a minute to go lick a mailbox.

Dunham, the woman who once portrayed her own OCD on her show Girls by nauseatingly pushing a q-tip too far into her ear, just couldn't manage listening to Sandler without sharing her own Chris Farley story. Only, in her's, Lena was the one with the obsession.

Despite being a "big fan" of Farley, she became obsessed with having sex with him. Specifically, with wanting not to. In her neurotic mind, the only way to prevent intercourse with the comedian was to repeat the phrase "sex with Chris Farley" over and over to herself.

Say what you want about the practice, it worked.

They can Dish it out, but can they take it?

Dish wants you to know that they're just as good as cable at pissing you off.

The Federal Trade Commission, along with the states of California, Illinois, Ohio and North Carolina just cited the Dish Network for a mind-blowing 57 million violations of telemarketing rules between 2007 and 2010, each of which are punishable by up to $16,000 in fines. This includes over 6.7 million calls where telemarketers spoke to people on the national Do Not Call list, and over a million calls where telemarketers spoke to Dish's own internal Do Not Call list—i.e., people who had already specifically told Dish never to call them again.

If assigned the maximum penalty for these violations, Dish would be on the hook for $912 billion—more than the GDP of Indonesia. That is unlikely to happen, however.

So, what about the roughly 49 million other calls? They were improper "abandoned calls." Abandoned calls are what happens when computers autodial people with the expectation that there will be a human salesperson available when they pick up. If no one in the call center is available, the call hangs up on the person whose dinner has already been interrupted. The FTC set a maximum acceptable rate of "call abandonment" at 3%—so if Dish wasn't in violation, it would mean that those 49 million abandoned calls were out of a total of at least 1.63 billion calls.

"Oh, of course I'll add you to the Do Not Call list. We respect you."

This case began with a formal complaint filed in 2009 and ended with a formal decision on Dec. 12, 2014. It is unclear whether Dish ceased these activities in 2010 (the case in question used company records from 2007-2010 as evidence), but if they didn't, they'd have had enough time to make even more calls to the DNC while the FTC made their decision.

When your major competitors are Time Warner Cable and Comcast, it shouldn't be hard to come off like the good guy in the public eye. All you'd have to do is avoid directly antagonizing millions of people by, say, calling them when they told you not to. But hey, TWC and Comcast are still the market leaders and they print money despite being ranked last in public opinion year after year. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

1. Emma Watson Tries In Vain To Convince Half Of World Population That Other Half Isn't So Bad

UN Women Goodwill Ambassador and part-time movie star Emma Watson spoke at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland earlier today in a valiant attempt to drum up support for global gender equality. The fact that we are somehow still wrestling with this issue in the year 2015 will make you feel sooooo much better about #5 on this list.

Emma Watson is going to make a great head wizard of earth or whatever. #onboard

— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) September 24, 2014

2. Guy With 5 Mansions Concerned That Poor People Live Too Opulently

Billionaire and potential Kaufman-esque performance artist Jeff Greene used his speech in Davos as an opportunity to warn everyone that they are spending way too much money and should try to be happy living in mud huts or whatever. "America's lifestyle expectations are far too high and need to be adjusted so we have less things and a smaller, better existence," the man who owns a $195 million mansion and private jet explained. "We need to reinvent our whole system of life."

I'm so rich I pay spotify $10 a month to listen to the sound of an oscillating fan as I sleep instead of just buying a real fan $$$$

— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) January 22, 2015

3. Rick Santorum Chooses Not To Listen To Insufficiently Hate-Filled Pope

Lifelong Catholic and presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told a conservative radio host that he finds it "very difficult to listen to the Pope" when he says things that do not align with his own draconian idea of the Church. This was in direct response to Pope Francis' comment that Catholics need not breed "like rabbits," but it seems quite likely that Santorum—who has been very vocal in his anti-gay political stances—is also concerned that the church leader continues to lean toward the idea that homosexuals might actually be human beings.

Rick Santorum is so misguided that he thinks "Anderson Cooper 360°" is a gay sex act.

— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) August 23, 2014

4. SkyMall Declares Bankruptcy, Leaving Millions Of Fliers Without Useless Bullshit

SkyMall—the catalogue of unnecessary bits of potentially soothing consumption that air travelers have long flipped through while waiting to be told that they're allowed to turn their iPods back on—has filed for bankruptcy, leaving people who have more money than sense with no way of buying enormous iPad bed easels or impractical desk clocks.

If SkyMall sold sub-prime mortgages instead of Lord of the Rings chess sets, they'd be eligible for a government bailout.

— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) January 23, 2015

5. Good News! The Doomsday Clock Tells Us This Failed Human Civilization Experiment Is Nearly Over

Due to "unchecked climate change, global nuclear weapons modernizations, and outsized nuclear weapons arsenals," the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has decided to move its so-called Doomsday Clock forward two minutes to 11:57. The symbolic midnight represents the end of humanity as we know it. So, just hold tight everyone. We'll be through this nonsense before you know it.

I don't even own a doomsday clock anymore, I just use my doomsday cell phone.

— James Bruce (@ComicJimBruce) January 23, 2015

Like Vegas during a seafood convention.

This video was uploaded by YouTuber Lennyt late last night with no description besides the title, "Millions of tiny red crabs." It definitely delivers on that promise. This yard is crawling with more crabs than a French aircraft carrier right after shore leave. This is a trail of crabs longer than Lindsay Lohan contacting everyone in her sexual history. Even the number of crabs who fall into the storm grate is terrifying. There haven't been that many crabs washed down the drain since Wilt Chamberlain finally used that special shampoo his doctor gave him. Thank you, I'll be performing in the Catskills all week.

This was most likely filmed on Christmas Island, a small Australian territory south of Indonesia, which is famous for its annual red crab migration around November:

Now that porn is free to anyone with a WiFi connection, one random cable channel will attempt to compete by letting you watch couples have sex in a box. Wait, it gets worse! All you see is the box!

These two totally just had sex in that box probably!

WeTV is one of the hundreds of random cable channels trying to figure out exactly what kind of garbage you want to let stream by your head as you fold your laundry, and coming soon they've pirated a show that began in England called Sex Box.

Just in case the premise is going over your head, let me break it down for you. There is a box on a stage that is big enough for two people to have sex in... and then two people have sex in it.

Wait, what happens on Sex Box?

But where???

Do we get to watch those coupes have sex?

Yes. Well, kinda. actually, not really.

They will be in that box, and that box is not transparent, so you will only see the box.

BUT TRUST IT, THEY WILL BE HAVING SEX IN THERE.

We know they're having sex because some guy you've never heard of before will warn the couple once they get on that stage "there's no backing out now."

Remember, no means no, but box means yes.

Then what?

Then three people you've never heard of before will talk to them about what it was like to have sex in a box on TV.

Premieres Friday, Feb 27th, on that one random cable channel WeTV.

The only way to make senior drivers even more dangerous.

"Try taking away my license now!"

The Fine Bros' long-running React series has become an Internet staple by mystifying kids with old technology like the rotary phone, baffling teens with stuff that was cool when 30-somethings were kids, and forcing seniors to deal with the risqué entertainment hits like 50 Shades of Grey. (If all entertainment is derivative, this proud tradition probably started with that ancient viral hit, "grandma reacts to '2 Girls 1 Cup.'") I mention this because it somehow seems incredible that they haven't had delightful old people play Grand Theft Auto V before this week. Sure, there are more violent games like Postal or Manhunt, but when we talk about controversial videogames, GTA is the undisputed king.

The Internet agrees with me--since the video was uploaded on Wednesday, it has already racked up over three million views.

Reactions ranged from finally understanding what all the hubbub is about ("I just hit a woman for the first time in my life. And I'm having fun!") to resenting being forced to participate. One thing is for certain, though--I can't wait to see how crazy games get by the time I'm old enough for my complaints or enthusiasm to be endearingly hilarious.

A sweet baby elephant was rescued after it fell into a 6ft deep water pit in China.

Rainwater made the sides of this man-made water pit extra slippery, preventing this little baby elephant from getting a proper footing to escape. Authorities estimate the poor little elephant spent a whole day trapped.

Fortunately, police were brought in who thought to dig out one of the sides of the pit to create a slope for the calf to climb out on. It took the young pachyderm about an hour, but he managed to get to the top and then turned around to give one last thankful look at his rescuers before running into the nearby trees. Hopefully he will meet up with some bigger elephants who are waiting to look after him.

How often do you think people had this very nightmare back in the '80s?

Remember way back when Super Bowl ads were ads that played during the Super Bowl? Super Bowl ads that were released a full week before the Super Bowl used to just be called ads. Anyway, such subtle distinctions seem annoyingly archaic in this modern YouTube utopia, and quarrelsome cranks who complain about it on blogs should probably just shut up and get on with the point of the post.

Speaking of which, what appears to be the first Super Bowl ad of year has just been released, and its already a frontrunner for cleverest idea. Imagine if the Bud Light ad team selected a random dude from some nondescript L.A. bar and made him the avatar in their life-size, real world version of the classic '80s-era arcade game Pacman. As cool as that sounds in your head, it's even cooler in reality:

I like to movie, movie.

Movies are great, aren't they? Well, individual movies are usually kinda just OK, but taken as a whole, I bet most of you like the movies. One person who most certainly does is Vimeo user GameOvais, whose first movie-montage trailer, Cinematic Montage (below), which swept the web 3 months ago with its use of 280 separate films to create a single trailer. GameOvais' latest masterpiece dropped this week, and contains snippets from over 300 films seamlessly turned into one glorious celebration of the big screen. You can read a full, alphabetical list of the films used in the video's description.

Here's the original Cinematic Montage with a measly 280 films spliced together (which also has a full list of films you can read here):

This teacher isn't going to let Mississippi's law prohibiting condom demonstrations from keeping his students protected. Don't engage in any socks-ual activity without this important lesson.

Don't let your students fall through the cracks; make sure they get good socks ed.

Mississippi law states that sex-educators are not allowed to instruct students on proper condom use, however they have no stipulations about socks. Sanford Johnson took advantage of the state's lax sock policy by educating his students on how to properly put on a sock in the event his students were engaging in any shoe activity.

"If you're going to be engaged in a sock activity, whether you are going to be wearing an athletic shoe, or a dress shoe... doesn't matter to me as long as your foot is protected."

So how does one properly put on a sock if they are going to engage in a sock activity?

Step 1: Pinch the air out of the tip of the sock (to make room for your toes).

Step 2: Put sock on end of foot and roll it down (not halfway, but all the way down your foot).

Step 3: Your foot is now ready to be put inside a shoe.

Step 4: When any shoe activity is complete, hold the top of the sock tightly, pull the foot outside of the shoe, and then pull the sock off.

Step 5: Tie off the end of the sock to prevent sweat from falling out.

Step 6: Toss sock away in the hamper.

And remember, "If you are going to engage in a shoe related activity, make sure you use a sock each and every time."

Magnets, how do they blend?

Before I get to why they've been banned, I just want to point out that whether these are sparks or just glowing-hot shards of magnet, you can see that the flying pieces do not follow straight lines. Not only are they being knocked around by Tom's infamous Blendtec blender, they're moving along the magnetic field lines present in the blender. You can't blend field lines.

Neodymium magnets, the little magnetic ball bearings often sold as "Buckyballs," have been banned by the Consumer Product Safety Commission for a very good reason—if you swallow one, it's probably fine, but if you swallow more than that, they'll try to stick to each other even if there are things like organs in the way. It's also bad news if a kid who doesn't know they swallowed one goes to an MRI and the magnet rips it out of them.

But I'll still miss them.

Mammalian bonding.

As far as quick-fix cute animal videos go, you really can't get much better than this one of a seal cuddling up with a dog (or, as I like to call them, a "sea dog" and "land seal"). It's 36 seconds long, it doesn't have annoying commentary from the people in the surrounding area, and it does not have a Sarah McLachlan song trying to tell us how to feel about what we're seeing.

Just a seal and a dog and some cuddling. Bing, bang, boom. You're in and you're out. Perfect!

"It wants to play with me to death!"

This little boy's reaction to a tiny dog that just wants to play might be a tad outsized. Though, I have to admit a certain degree of empathy. If you could digitally replace that dog with a bank statement, this would essentially be a video of me trying to deal with my personal finances.