I'm starting a petition to get El Destapador Humano included in the next X-Men movie.

You know how they say that every person is born with a special gift—something that makes them unique and grants them a singular opportunity to improve this world for the rest of us? Well, for the most part, that not true. The sad reality is that most of us are kind of replaceable. And by "kind of," I mean "very."

This guy who can open a beer bottle with his ass, though: he's truly exceptional. (Be forewarned: while this is totally SFW, it's also annoyingly LOUD.)

5. Restaurant patrons who allegedly got olives thrown at them by Jennifer Lawrence, Adele, and Harry Styles.

(Getty)

Is getting olives thrown at you by Harry Styles, Adele, and J. Law horrible or wonderful? Only fellow diners at Craig's, a restaurant in West Hollywood, could tell you. According to Page Six, the trio were spotted hanging out there this weekend: "laughing, having an amazing time, being loud and throwing olives at people walking by." Ugh, it is so like them to laugh and have an amazing time. The olive thing is a little more surprising, but I bet only J. Law was throwing overhand. Girl is fierce.

4. People who want giant globes that open up into tables, because Skymall filed for bankruptcy.

(Skymall)

You can no longer purchase Christmas ornament organizers, a realistic-looking fake rock, or a blow-up travel pillow for the tray in front of you while at 36,000 feet. Skymall filed for bankruptcy late last week, which means you'll need to find a new way to distract yourself from your crippling fear of flying. The company said sales were down because people just want to look at their smartphones on airplanes, and I guess the in-flight wifi is too bad to get onto Skymall.com, or they'd surely be using their time to shop for gimmicky products.

3. A French couple who won't be allowed to name their child "Nutella."

A French court ruled that parents of a baby girl named Nutella, born in September, would have to give her a new name. Their reasoning? "The name 'Nutella' given to the child is the trade name of a spread, and it is contrary to the child's interest to be wearing a name like that can only lead to teasing or disparaging thoughts." That's true. Naming your child after a delicious spread is cruel. It's much more kind to name your child after a delicious biscuit (Walkers, Hob Nob) or perhaps a delicious snack chip (Sun, Cheetos).

2. Residents of the Florida Keys, who are about to experience what it's like to have genetically modified mosquitoes bite you.

(Thinkstock)

British researchers have applied to the FDA to try to get approval to release genetically modified mosquitoes into the Florida Keys. The mosquitoes would be modified (by British biotech firm Oxitech, which sounds hilariously menacing) to stop mosquito-borne diseases dengue and chikungunya. Both diseases are on the rise in the U.S. Basically, a bunch of modified, non-biting male mosquitoes will be released. They breed with the disease-carrying, biting female mosquitoes, but their offspring die—and with them, the disease. In theory, no human gets bitten by a GMO mosquito. Over 130,000 people signed a petition on Change.org to stop the experiment, which is kind of a bummer for those of us who think Florida is a perfectly fine place to do dangerously untested DNA-modification experiments.

1. Twitter fans of Miss Jamaica, who were very upset that she lost last night.

Miss #Jamaica: Just GORGEOUS! Smart, elegant, beautiful... pic.twitter.com/K3TuBPoCbV
— Konstantinos Tselios (@qwerty105s) January 26, 2015

Miss Jamaica was eliminated from the top five during last night's Miss Universe competition, and Twitter was pissed. It's easy to see why Kaci Fennell, aka Miss Jamaica, became a viewer favorite. She's tall, beautiful, elegant. So, so different from Miss USA and Miss Colombia, the first runner-up and winner respectively, or any of the other 88 contestants. They look like garbage next to her. #TeamMissJamaica

Every genius on Facebook has warned you that the worst snowstorm to ever hit New York City (and I guess the rest of the east coast) is coming, but you were too busy looking at Facebook to take care of yourself. Now you are snowed in and the food delivery guys are snowed out. If you have any preservation skills, you've already completed Step 1.

Step 1: Hit the liquor store now. Remember, booze doesn't go bad, so stock up like you are about to go to a holiday office party that only serves beer and wine. Hurry up, if it isn't already too late. I'll Wait.

(Note: religious affiliation of your liquor store clerk may differ.)

Start drinking now, then proceed.

Step 2: Eat all the food in your house immediately.

Step 3: Create a watch list (for television, not friends you are concerned about, unless your TV watch list includes Friends).

In the unfortunate event that your friends die in this snowstorm or are too busy having sex, you will need to be prepared for the possibility that no one is around to recommend stuff for you on Netflix. If you've never seen the movie The Ref with Kevin Spacey, Judy Davis, and Dennis Leary, this is a good one. Now just come up with 56 more hours of programming and you should be set.

Step 4: Clear your phone of all data so you have plenty of space.

Snow selfies. Don't fall asleep in the snow unless you're drunk enough to be preserved until you can be thawed by scientists.

Step 5: Don't forget to steal a few HBO go passwords.

This is going to be prime watching time, and you don't want to get locked out just because you got drunk and screamed your friend's mom's password into the mic during Karaoke and now everyone is using it. Don't feel bad. We've all done it. Just get some backups.

When all else fails: re-watch something you've already seen. Don't get ambitious and pull out a book or the neighbors will think you have died.

Step 6: Change privacy settings on Facebook.

Remember, you promised to work from home, and now you are texting your boss to tell him your Internet went out. Keep your lie alive!

Step 7: The pipes may freeze.

So don't forget to fill your water bongs now.

Step 8: Buy fruit and vegetables.

Amuse yourself by guessing how long it takes for them to rot.

Step 9: Write wishes for yourself on scraps of paper.

Throw those scraps out the window and let them get covered by snow. Whichever ones you find in the spring when the snow melts will either come true or remind you of how little you've accomplished all winter and how easily you can be distracted from your goals.

Step 10: Shit. You forgot to find someone to fuck.

You are going to be alone forever.

Step 11: Charge that phone.

This will be prime Tindering time. Even people in relationships will be bored having snow sex with their partners by now and on the hunt for something new. Bonus, actually meeting for a hookup will be impossible so you can message with ultimate confidence.

Step 12: Why doesn't he/she/ze love me anymore????

Step 13: Find lozenges in your partially unpacked carry-on.

Your throat is bound to get sore from screaming your ex's name out the window. He/she/ze isn't coming.

Step 14: Prepare for the worst.

Remember this could last a couple days. As such, you need to be prepared not just to get drunk enough to think you are a wizard, but also for the inevitable hangover. If there's still time, get: coffee, Advil, and Dramamine (my best friend swears the Dramamine settles your stomach enough to handle the coffee and Advil). I recommend pre-making the coffee and just drinking it cold when the time comes. Don't be a hero.

Step 15: Shit. I forgot I have a cat.

If you have a cat, open up all their cans of food and put it in a big bowl. It'll give them confidence in your ability to take care of them and prevent them from looking at you like food. Time to see how a real gangster gets down in a crisis. Plus, worst case scenario and the blizzard never ends and things get apocalyptic, you've now turned that disgusting cat food into possibly palatable cat meat.

Step 16: Pay off your credit cards.

Hahahaha just making sure you were still alive. But seriously, being stuck in your house is a great time to do some organizing. Start with your desk! Organize your trash into little piles on your bed as you go. Leave those piles there until you've forgotten about them, then be pleasantly surprised when it feels like someone is in your bed. Don't bother cleaning the trash off the bed. You'll kick it all off in your fever sleep.

Step 17: The "Ny" in Nyquil is just a suggestion.

During periods of apocalyptic snow or boredom, Nyquil can be ingested during the day, and vice versa.

Step 18: Get online and meet some Eastern European mail-order brides.

If you manage to survive this blizzard, you will finally have something in common to talk about!

Step 19: Undercover Boss.

That's also on Netflix right now. Just FYI.

Step 20: Resort to resin.

Your guy isn't going to be answering texts, so better find something sharp and pokey now.

Step 21: Share your feelings.

If you've managed to get this far and are still sober enough to type, let us know! Remember, in times of crisis, all we have is the glowing light of our computers to keep us warm. Leave your tips and experiences in the comments section as practice for sharing your Snowpocalypse 2015 stories with real human beings. That is, if anyone survives. Otherwise, goodbye forever.

Texans love their guns so much they want to fly other places just to show them off.
(all images via blog.tsa.gov)

There are two groups of people who justify the existence of the Transportation Security Administration: terrorists and idiots. Probably thanks to the all-seeing security state and their worldwide spying apparatus, most terrorists don't get all the way to airport security gates. It's been a while since someone like the would-be Shoe Bomber or the would-be Underwear Bomber was in the news. Idiots, however, are much harder to detect with NSA algorithms, and they show up heavily armed to the airport all the time.

According to their just-released annual report on airport security seizures, the TSA collected an average of six firearms from carry-on luggage every single day in America in 2014. That came out to a total of 2,212 guns found in carry-on bags, 83% of which were loaded. Again, just to be clear: these are only carry-on numbers, which should make them even more insane.

For some reason, they don't also post pictures of all the seized Gatorades they take.

2014 also included a new record for the number of guns seized from carry-ons in one day: 18 firearms seized on June 4, 2014. This shattered the previous record of 13 guns from the previous year. Sometimes these guns are simply clipped to a passenger's belt like it's the Wild West, or strapped to their ankles. Finding these at metal detectors is pretty straightforward. Less-forgetful people hide them in other metal-containing objects like PlayStations.

The Toybots aren't f-ing around, apparently.

Not all of the guns fall into the "personal protection" category...

Yeah, but who has the time to check their sub-machine guns and then have to wait 20 minutes after they land to use them again?

Explosives are exploding on social media.

While almost nobody likes the TSA in real life, their frequent firearms and explosives seizures have landed them a popular Instagram account—with 205,000 followers, only a few government accounts like the White House, NASA, and the Dept. of the Interior are more popular—and people like the President, Space and pretty landscapes a whole heckuva lot more than the TSA. But while photos from the International Space Station are nice, where else are you going to get pictures of live grenades that people thought would be totally cool to bring on a flight?

Seized at LAX in May, this delayed flights for hours while explosive teams destroyed it.

Other fun stuff included containers of black powder, an avalanche-triggering bomb, fireworks, and various stun grenades, smoke grenades, and flares. That's just the live stuff. Americans also like to keep the TSA on their toes by bringing lots and lots of inert explosives and antique bombs onto planes. Take this huge pile of inert C-4, for example:

I don't know how to turn inert C-4 into explode-y C-4, but I bet the guy who owns it does.

Are inert grenades the new rabbit's foot? Because way too many people take them everywhere.

Inert grenades make fun paperweights. Who brings a paperweight on an airplane?

Everyone knows Americans love guns, but did you know that much like our British counterparts, we also love hiding blades?

"What? You expect me to cut airline meat with the plastic crap they give you?"

While a single bullet does provide fast and permanent itch relief, it's not doctor-approved.

Just what air travel needs: people who need canes having sword fights in the aisles.

And no list would be complete without the favorite accessory of weapons-obsessed weirdos of all ages: throwing stars and knives.

Behold, the weapon of choice for unemployed nerds who write anime fan-fiction.

Although the single best TSA category is definitely "Miscellaneous":

That wooden sledgehammer has "let's see them try to recline their seat on me this time" written all over it.

People bringing drugs on planes, however, is totally unsurprising.

The only surprising part is that people still try to fly with pounds and pounds of weed in an age when many states let you grow and sell it legally. Oh, and with guns.

"I'm nervous about bringing weed on the plane. Maybe guns will make me feel safer."

Well, the fact that they stuff cocaine in gross raw meat is still a little surprising.

I'm even happier than normal that I don't do cocaine.

If this has made you too terrified to board your flight today, take heart in the fact that your flight will probably be canceled by the giant blizzard hammering the East Coast. That will give you a really good excuse to start traveling by bus like John Madden without having to explain to your fellow passengers why you don't trust them enough to fly with them anymore.

Nobody was actually applauding or cheering at the Screen Actors Guild Awards last night.

We know that now, because in the middle of Reese Witherspoon's presentation of the award for Best Actor in a Supporting Film Role, some intern in the booth hit the red "Applause" button, and ruined the gleaming facade of Hollywood forever.

In the clip above, Reese laughs off the error, saying "What was that noise? It wasn't me."

But you can tell she's panicked that people finally know celebrities' hands are so frail they can't even applaud one another. Those aren't her fingers prying open the envelope; it's all CGI.

Look away! Look away!!!

I've got some bad news and some worse news.

The bad news is that the food scientists at KFC have done the unthinkable and crossbred their Double Down sandwich with a hotdog and created something they're calling a Double Down Dog. This is a hotdog served on a fried chicken "bun" and covered in goopy cheese sauce.

The worse news is that this monstrosity is only available in the Philippines! And they're only serving fifty a day, so even if you were to get on a plane now, chances are they'd have reached their daily quota by the time you land.

"It was love at first bite!" Says Christian. 3 down, 47 left at the Fort Triangle Branch. #NewKFCDoubleDownpic.twitter.com/B5eQY2Phas
— KFC Philippines (@KFCPhilippines) January 26, 2015

This is seriously unfair. If they're going to make something this obscene and offensive, they should at least make it available for all of us to shamefully jam into our mouths. It's pretty much the Double Down of bummers.

Sexy British man John Oliver auditioned for "Fifty Shades of Grey" after it was already filmed.

Jamie Dornan is Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey, a film that has already been filmed. But is he really "the epitome of male beauty"?

Not according to Last Week Tonight host John Oliver. That's why Oliver started the hashtag #NotMyChristian.

He not only wanted to protest the casting of Dornan, but he also wanted to put forth a better candidate for sexiest man alive: himself. His audition will send shivers down your spine, but maybe it's just cold where you are. Anyway, nothing hotter than a man saying, "I'm presuming this is all going to end in butt stuff."

Heck yes it is.

Assistant equipment co-manager Dougie Spoons knows the meaning of New England Patriotism.

This cold open sketch from SNL is probably the closest we will get to a real answer on what happened two Sundays ago when the Patriots were accused of using under-inflated balls in their AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts. At this point, the blizzard hitting the Northeast is the closest the Patriots will get to a punishment. The sketch nails Bill Belichick's sudden image as a hands-off manager and Tom Brady's new identity as a functional moron who keeps marrying supermodels.

In this world, however, we get to meet the fall guy, assistant equipment Dougie Spoons—although it seems to me that by falling on the grenade for Tom and Bill, Dougie is less like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men and more like that kid who gets kicked out of school in Scent of a Woman.

The greatest mystery of life is solved.

Some break the Internet with butts. Others do it with belly buttons. (Getty)

We now know what Taylor Swift's belly button looks like, and that Taylor Swift is a big ol' liar.

This may not seem like the huge deal that it is to you, unless you know that Taylor has sworn never to reveal her belly button. She told Lucky as recently as their December/January issue that she wanted it to remain a mystery whether she has a belly button or not. She insisted, "No one's ever going to see that."

I guess that makes us "no one" because here it is, folks: a moderately sized belly button and a trim, uninteresting lower abdomen. Mind = blown:

This photo is why little girls have eating disorders. (Instagram)

For the photo in question, she chose the caption "Greetings from Maui!" not "Prepare to have your fucking world blown apart." Appearing alongside her are members of Haim the Band, I think, or at least she uses #haimtheband.

Let's see that belly button again:

No wonder that thing has 1.4 million likes. Whoa.

We are finally picking up some steam in Season 4 and it finally feels like we are headed somewhere. Here's what's worth noting from episode 3.

1. Jessa's Ass.

Not to be upstaged by Brian William's daughter getting her butt eaten, Jessa shows her bare ass to Hannah via Skype. Is the bare ass a metaphor for the Lena not wanting to write this episode of Girls? Or is it just Jemima Kirke's turn to get nekked?

2. Shoshanna declines Anne Taylor Loft's offer to "implement their cardigan story."

I keep cringing about this like remembering something stupid I've said the day after a night of being drunk. Now we are going to have to watch her beg for this job when she can't get a better one in future episodes. Please don't do this to me, Girls. Its already been a hard winter and I really needed a win.

3. Jizzy (Desi) refers to his analingous or whatever sex he has with Marnie as "intimacy."

Blarf. It's so terrible I'm starting to believe Marnie and Jizzy are actually perfect for each other. Oh, and also he called her "Bella," and I hate that and I hate him so they should get married. They're both the worst.

4. Jessa gets arrested for peeing in public while wearing an Ice T t-shirt just minutes after her odd pronouncement at AA that "I hate relationships between white people."

Very cool and topical, Girls. Except they should have done this with one of their black characters -- oh wait they don't have any. Jessa's got to be one of the few people that becomes an even worse person after they've sobered up. This is a good opportunity to look into how unfair it is that dogs can pee on the street whenever they want but humans can't. It's all about the public indecency. Tip: If you pee in your pants on the street, that's totally legal.

5. Hannah is uncomfortable because she hot rolled her hair.

This is the most relatable the show has ever been.

Super Smush Bros.

Baby pandas are pretty rare, given that the giant panda is a.) endangered, and b.) has a notoriously hard time reproducing. So, you can imagine how rare a 5-way baby panda brawl must be. Very rare. This video comes from a panda reserve in China, although where that reserve is located is unclear. Posted to YouTube on the cuddly iPanda channel, all the videos are property of Chinese state media (presumably trying to upend the American monopoly on cute animal videos). But hey, if I'm going to absorb propaganda, make it fluffy panda-fight propaganda any day. Speaking of which, here's Part II of the battle:

I have to say, though, the CCP should really be racking up more views with Westerners by using these "propapandas" more effectively. Their top hit on YouTube, a curious panda cub stealing a broom from a zookeeper, has only 200,000 views. All I'm saying is that if I had access to weapons-grade cute like these pandas, there would be subliminal-message-laced videos on the front pages of YouTube and reddit every day.

Weather photographer Scott McPartland wants you to watch the Snowpocalypse bury his neighborhood in Queens, live.

Whether you live in a non-blizzard-affected part of the country or your window has a much less attractive view, this is the way to experience this massive snowstorm.

The blizzard hitting the northern East Coast is supposed to be one of the biggest snowstorms New York City has ever seen. If you know anything about New Yorkers, you should know that we're pretty good at making national weather news specifically about us. This time, NYC is actually getting hit the hardest (we usually get off light due to the geography of New York's harbor), so we'll be hogging all the quality complaining space on social media for the next few days. Thanks to weather photographer Scott McPartland, however, you can now watch the blizzard douse Queens in real-time, and you, too, can complain like a real New Yorker!

Plus, this is a really nice street to watch. I have my own windows in Brooklyn, but all they look out onto is a bunch of chain-link fences and some plastic Virgin Mary shrines slowly being buried by snow. I'd totally rather pretend I live in a detached house like this guy.

At least this proves that cats actually listen to us.

A video posted by anders (@anjalo2) on Jan 20, 2015 at 8:22pm PST

Instagram user @anjalo2 is friends with @spazaline, who has a cat but no singing voice. The cat, in turn, has ears but no patience. As @anjalo2 aptly (and depressingly) sums it up in his description of this video,

@spazaline is in an abusive relationship

To be fair, I don't know if the cat would be any nicer if @spazaline had the chops to be in the next Pitch Perfect movie. It's entirely possible that this kitty would have karate chopped Pavarotti if the cat had been using the opera tenor's belly as a sleeping spot (and what a spot that would have been).

In need of a heavy dose of nostalgia? We've got you covered.

Here's the cast of Full House singing the show's theme song while hugging and proving they'll always mean as much to each other as they do to you. The video is a little blurry, but no fuzzier than your memories.

Creator Jeff Franklin had a birthday party, and the cast members—minus the Olsen twins and Dave Coulier—hopped onstage to serenade him with the song.

Man, everywhere you look there's a 90s TV show you're obsessed with.

Unrequited like in the animal kingdom.

He's Just Not That Into You — The Bird Edition

You know that feeling when—for reasons that you can't even fully articulate—you want so badly to make friends with someone? No matter what you do, how you flap your wings or gnaw on their ears with your razor sharp beak, you just can't get them to bounce back a little of the camaraderie you're sending out. These birds know what I'm talking about:

Ugh! It's so frustrating isn't it? Though, it's probably preferable to being eaten.