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Comcast changed a customer's name to "Asshole" after she tried to cancel her service.

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It does have a nice ring to it. (image via Elliott.org)

This isn't a surprise anymore, right? We're at the point where if the headline up there read, "Comcast breaks into customer's house, takes a crap on their TV, then charges them for a home visit," you'd think, "Sounds about right." This company is a bad company and everyone in the land will one day dance on their smoldering ashes (when HBO Go becomes stand-alone).

According to what she told Elliot.org, Lisa Brown had the unmitigated gall to contact Comcast and tell them she'd like to cancel her cable TV service because her family was in need of some financial belt-tightening. Naturally, they bumped her over to a retention specialist who tried instead to get her to sign a new 2-year contract. Lisa says she never got rude, just said what anyone trying to cancel a service would say to a new 2-year contract for said service: Nope.

Not long after that, her bill arrived with her husband's first name name, Ricardo, mysteriously changed:

Brown tried to get the name changed herself, to no avail. Eventually she contacted Elliot.org who got things rolling, presumably by notifying Comcast that their company's name is about to be at the top of trending topics on every social network (again).

"We have spoken with our customer and apologized for this completely unacceptable and inappropriate name change," Comcast VP of communications told Elliot.org. "We have zero tolerance for this type of disrespectful behavior and are conducting a thorough investigation to determine what happened. We are working with our customer to make this right and will take appropriate steps to prevent this from happening again."

To try to make things right, Brown says that Comcast has refunded her her past two years of cable payments.

Which makes me kind of want to sign up for the "Call Me Whatever You Want" package with my cable provider. Two years of free cable? For that, you can change my name to "Asshole" on my birth certificate if you want.


Mistreated hotel employee leaves a resignation note at the front desk for guests to find.

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Welcome to (a) Hotel (in) California! You can check in any time you like, but you can never get abusive coworkers fired.


A dream come true for anyone hoping to steal some old magazines from a lobby.

This very reasonable public resignation was left in lieu of a human at the front desk of a small hotel in a college town in California last night for any and all guests to see. It was posted online early this morning by the employee who came in afterwards to work the graveyard shift, redditor JordanAsshole, who, despite his name, he promises he's not the drunk assailant. It was posted with the title "My coworker went all Wet Seal on our boss today," a reference to the public resignation notices posted by mistreated Wet Seal workers in malls across the country.

Jordan (no need to use his full name) also gave more details regarding Drunky The Amazing Assaulting Coworker, who is currently wanted and at large after blowing his chance at having charges dropped by following up with threatening voicemails to the employee who quit.

All in all, this is shaping up to be a very bad week for the manager who declined to fire the troublesome employee. Jordan originally told reddit that he, too, planned to quit, and commenters advised him that in this economy (recovery notwithstanding), the hotel would have new workers within a week who were all unaware of what happened. Whether or not taking advice from people on the Internet is wise, it seems like this hotel (which was once part of a franchise, but no longer) is due for an imminent visit from the Department of Labor and OSHA (Jordan also says that employees don't receive the breaks they're entitled to by law).


That popcorn cart would leave, too, if it could. It needs to be freed!
(via redditor JordanAsshole)

Oh, and if you act now (or tonight on the graveyard shift), Jordan also says there's a popcorn cart in the lobby that's on wheels and for $40 he'll take a smoke break as you wheel out your buttery prize.

Runner up.

Sharing isn't caring.

This is what happens when you get high and do your kid's homework.

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I'm pretty sure this constitutes entrapment, who doesn't get high using glue?


Am I stoned, or are there a bunch of hands on this paper? (via Imgur)

Redditor Dave626 claims that his daughter brought this homework home from kindergarten, but it reeks of adult influence. Either that, or this five year old was sending a message to her teacher to send child protective services to the house.

(Stoner side thought: The homework separated the "E" sounds into "Long E" and "Not Long E." When did calling it "Short E" become offensive?)

No matter who was high when they completed this homework, you can't argue that they got all of the answers correct. Legalize it.


Way back when.

Man pretending to drown discovers his dog is a gosh darn hero.

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"I should never have adopted a human. They're so much work to care for!"

I don't know if it's the result of many hours of training or if this pooch is just really smart and very concerned about his dumb human getting himself killed, but a lot of adult humans would just panic if they thought someone was drowning. Not this dog, who may not be a retriever (retrievehim?), but is definitely ready to begin lifeguarding duties at the beach. I'm not sure whether jumping straight into the drowning victim's head is part of the routine, but it definitely serves as a warning for anyone who fake-drowns just to show off this hero dog's talent.

See also: A helpful dog comes to the rescue of a cat with a plastic cup stuck on its head.

Sick and tired.


Commercial break

Jewish leader arrested after trying to escape Auschwitz death camp on Holocaust Memorial Day.

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Seriously, how the f*ck does this happen?


Someone's got a lot of explaining to do. (via Getty Images)

President of the Jewish community in Rome, Riccardo Pacifici, was filming a television segment at Auschwitz to honor the 70th anniversary of the camp's liberation, the same death camp where his grandparents were murdered, when he and his crew got locked inside.

According to The Guardian, the guards, who were meant to let them out, never arrived.

Instead, Pacifici and his crew were forced to attempt an escape out of a window which set off the alarm system. Polish police arrived, and then detained and questioned them for hours until Italian diplomats intervened.


Translated: "We were seized by a time by the Polish police in Auschwitz after transmission of the Matrix . A disgrace."

Hey, Poland, there is literally only one rule for keeping Auschwitz open as a memorial exhibit: no more locking Jews in there.


This Pit Bull / Dachshund mix shelter pup might be the weirdest, cutest dog in existence.

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Meet Rami. He's goofy as hell.


'Sup? (via Facebook)

Rami is a one-year-old, Pit Bull / Dachshund mix shelter dog who is looking for a home where he can be loved by someone who is really into living, breathing optical illusions running around the house.

Rami is being cared for at the Moultrie Colquitt County Humane Society in Moultrie, GA, and since they posted his pic on their Facebook page they've found themselves with a veritable Internet phenomenon on their hands, with over 29,000 hits on his post in one morning. They've gotten enough offers to adopt that they're taking applications.

Due to all the interest in Rami we are accepting applications for his adoption at this moment... We are a small shelter with limited funds, so we are unable to provide transportation, but we appreciate all your interest in our sweet Rami. Please remember there are lots of homeless animals in shelters unique as Rami. Visit your local shelter soon to see other sweet dogs and cats in need.

How's it feel to be Internet famous Rami?

Not everyone can handle it.

Contact the Moultrie Colquitt shelter if you're interested in waking up to this every morning.


Quit posting pics of me on the Internet and take me for a walk.

Knocking opportunity.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 29, 2015

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1. GOP Comes To Defense Of Movie About Patriot Who Kills Foreigners From Safe Distance

The National Republican Senatorial Committee is asking conservative moviegoers to sign a petition in support of Clint Eastwood's Oscar-nominated blockbuster film American Sniper, which has been the victim of several mean-spirited comments by anti-American liberals like Michael Moore and Bill Maher. Hopefully, their efforts will supplement the hundreds of millions of dollars in box office receipts in comforting the film's creators.


2. Taylor Swift Too Much Of A Goody Two-Shoes To Worry About Hacked Nudes

Taylor Swift was relatively unfazed by the cyberattack on her telephone account, telling hackers who claim to have nude photos of her to "Have fun photoshopping cause you got NOTHING." The pop singer's display of confidence is being seen by many people as confirmation that she is in fact a sentient sugar-coated cinnamon stick.


3. Kanye West Says He Is No Longer A Two-Year-Old Child

While talking to Ellen DeGeneres on her daytime talk show earlier today, adult hiphop artist Kanye West seemed to imply that he will not be acting like his diaper-wearing daughter anymore. "I think I was going through my version of my terrible twos," West said of his multiple onstage and on-air tantrums over the past few years. "My daughter, she wants to express herself, she just doesn't have the words for it. And for me, there's so many things I want to do with film, with clothing, and I just didn't have the words or the resources or the backing or the perception that I could do it being that I was a rapper or all these things."



4. Sarah Palin Is Mad That People Don't Treat Her Seriously Just Because She Is Unserious

Sarah Palin—the former governor of Alaska who quit midway through her first term in order to capitalize on the newfound fame that came with her vice presidential nomination, before then starring in her reality TV show and going on several publicity tours for no particular reason—is hopping mad that conservative pundits desperate to see a strong conservative politician in the White House are not taking her possible candidacy with the seriousness it deserves.



5. Scientists Close To Ending Mr. Peanut's Reign Of Terror

Australian researchers at the Murdoch Children's Research Institute think they may be close to finding a cure for the peanut allergy that makes lunchtime at friends' houses such a harrowing endeavor for so many kids around the globe.

You'd think letting ex-girlfriends review your Tinder profile would be a bad idea. You'd be wrong.

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To be fair, a few years of nostalgia can add a star or two to anyone's rating.

Ex-girlfriends are, as a rule, not who you want attesting to your character, let alone your skills. One brave man wading into the online dating world, Jake Chapman, decided that authenticity would help his Tinder profile more than a list of his favorite movie quotes (or his actual face, seen here).


He reached out to former significant others, urging them to post honest feedback on his profile. Appropriately, he reached this decision at 1 in the morning (but swears alcohol was not involved).


"Decor was nice, but service was rushed. Also, the bathrooms were subpar."

As it turns out, Faith wrote a rather nice review, and several other ex-girlfriends cooperated as well (although Jake says he did forge at least one of them).

Since leaving a review, Faith has been texting with Jake constantly (in his words, more like arguing) since this episode started—and she's not the only one, or even the most important. That would be Taylor.

That's nice! Too bad about that 1,155 miles...and the boyfriend she had when this story started.


"Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but I already have a bunch of Tinder dates."

BuzzFeed talked to both Jake and Taylor, and they both confirmed that they have each called the other "the one that got away." It can't get any better, can it?



I mean, a one-way ticket would be more romantic, but also creepier.

As romantic as this is, Jake is certainly keeping his options open, not only with his Tinder profile, but with his impressively low-stress reaction to Taylor's visit. As he told BuzzFeed,

...when she texted me the plane ticket I was shocked she actually pulled the trigger and did that. She will always be a special girl to me, but to say that something is going to happen between us is having expectations. Which is one thing I won't do, just adds stress and tension to something that should be fun and enjoyable. To spend time together and just enjoy each other's company and show her around my city.

Wow. He made Taylor feel at ease while simultaneously letting everyone on the Internet know that his Tinder profile is still open for business. No wonder his newfound Internet fans predict a feature film adaptation in his future.


I preferred the novel, also starring Channing Tatum as Jake Chapman.

Unsurprisingly, he now has copycats.


And by "copycats," I mean "amateur fiction writers." (via)

Go ahead and try it if your exes are so friendly towards you that they can't remember why they even left you in the first place. Most of us, however, go online for the opposite reason: to find the few remaining possible mates who are completely unaware of our many failings and crippling personal issues. Oh, and to write bad things about our ex-boyfriends and girlfriends (or is that just me?).

Risky bet.


Professor who always wears Indiana Jones hat gets big welcome from his students.

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Not the professor this post is about.

There's apparently a computer programming professor at Kent State University who is known for wearing the sort of fedora that Harrison Ford made famous in the Indiana Jones films. (This sounds very much in line with everything I know about computer programming professors.)

As he was entering the lecture hall recently, he found that some of his students had planned an introduction worthy of his sartorial style:

Really goes to show you how amazing John Williams' score for Raiders of the Lost Ark is. If it can make a computer programming professor walking into a hall seem heroic, it can do anything!

In all seriousness, I found this about as enthralling as I found Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Maybe more, since this didn't have Shia LaBeouf in it.

Chelsea Handler was finally allowed to show herself topless on Instagram.

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If Handler has her way, Jews will live with Muslims and tits will exist on Instagram as happily as she rides this camel while topless.

God Breast America (and Israel or whatever look at my boobs.)
(via Instagram)

There are many dreams out there. Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream was that his children would "not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." Fantine dreamed that "love would never die," and that "God would be forgiving."

Chelsea Handler dreamed that one day her tits wouldn't be taken down from Instagram.

Today, that dream has become a reality (kind of).

After many rejected attempts to show her tits on Instagram, Chelsea handler finally figured out the right step to take to ensure her nipples wouldn't be taken down due to Instagram's Community Guidelines: cover them up.

Yes, those are Israeli Flag pasties covering her nips, as she sits astride a Muslim's camel. She posted the picture 19 hours ago and, as of this posting, it still remains.


From every mountain side, let freedom ring. (via Instagram)

She posted her pasty-covered puppies with the comment, "A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And, You don't even have to be topless. L'chaim"

Yes. Jews and Muslims can live side by side just as surely as her left nipple sits beside her right, covered up, forever on Instagram.


Hear me roar.

Key & Peele's new 'East/West Bowl' includes real players with real ridiculous names.

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Pshhhh... 'Ferguson' isn't all that weird a name.

The original 'East/West Bowl' sketch from Comedy Central's Key & Peele is not only one of the funniest things that show ever produced but one of the funniest things our species has every produced. It's hard to explain why it's so funny—it's just a bunch of characters saying their weird names. (It reminded me a little of John Hodgman's "700 Hobo Names".)

Then, due to extremely popular demand, they made a follow up. And then another one that riffed off the classic 1985 Chicago Bears novelty song, "The Super Bowl Shuffle," and it was actually a lot funnier than a retread of a previously successful joke should expect to be.

Now, just in time for the Super Bowl XLIX, they've got a new one, and this time around, they've incorporated some of the oddly named football players—like, Prince Amukamara and D'Brickashaw Ferguson—that inspired the original sketch:

You can watch the others below:



Tennis with a tank, anyone?

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Mislabeling the M-1 Abrams' age is the only flaw in an otherwise perfect Internet video.

Attention anyone who would like their web video to be written about (not necessarily by me, I encourage you to set high goals for yourself): this video from Michael Shanks (aka TimTimFed) nails the three most important qualities of a video for web enjoyment.

1. Tell me what it's going to be. A tank playing tennis? Delightful.

2. Give me that.

3. Don't spend 4 minutes making sure I understand that there is a tank playing tennis and that this is unusual. I am not an alien sent here to spy on your species who only arrived yesterday.

That being said, even an alien spy who's only been here for a day knows that the M1 Abrams not only entered service in 1980, it is named for the the commander of US forces in Vietnam from 1968 to 1972. But maybe that was intentional?

Also from TimTimFed: Olympic Speed Skating with Mario Kart Shells

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