Guess what, Bieber knows he's been a whiny little douche for the last year and a half.

January 29, 2015, 12:55 pm

≫ Next: For better or for worse, Ted 2 exists.

Sometimes child stars are impossibly vomitous little brats because they're just insecure.

Don't claim to be sincere, just Be-ieber it. (via Getty Images

Bieber came out with a taped confession today: "I'm not that person that I don't give a fuck."

Today Bieber decided to come clean, and with the comment, "Here we go," tweeted out a link to an app to a video of him hiding in the darkest corner of his heart to unleash a come-to-Jesus monologue; it's hard growing up in the spotlight, it is hard growing up at all, and he is sorry.

"Today, I was on Ellen and it was a lot of fun. She's amazing, it was her birthday, happy birthday Ellen, but I was really nervous. I think I was nervous because I was afraid of what people are thinking about me right now. It's been a minute since I've been in a public appearance, and I didn't want to come off arrogant or conceited, or basically how I've been acting the past year and a half."

You pissed in mop buckets, drove drunk, egged houses...

"And I was, I'm not who I was pretending to be. Why I say "pretending" is because we often pretend to be something we're not as a coverup of what we're truly feeling inside. There was a lot of feelings going on in there."

"I want people to know how much I care. I'm not that person that I don't give a fuck, I'm not that kid. I'm a person who genuinely, genuinely cares. Although whats happened in the past has happened..."

You pissed in mop buckets, drove drunk, egged houses, allegedly punched Orlando Bloom...

" I just want to make the best impression on people, and be kind, and loving, and gentle, and soft. Although people can call me a softie, that's how my mom raised me."

That's nice Biebey Baby, but where is the apology for filming this vertically and in the dark?

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For better or for worse, Ted 2 exists.

January 29, 2015, 1:28 pm

≫ Next: Favorite pastime.

≪ Previous: Guess what, Bieber knows he's been a whiny little douche for the last year and a half.

In which Mark Wahlberg plays a Boston man with no past felonies and Seth MacFarlane advances civil rights.

2012 was a divisive year for America. Sure, you had that minor contest between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, but more importantly, there was the issue of Ted, the movie about a talking stuffed bear. You see, Ted was pretty funny. But it was not necessarily good. Rather than leave the issue there, people decided they would prefer to love it or hate it. The issue split roughly down the same bro-y lines that dominate every Family Guy argument, and it was just about as interesting to those of us who don't get worked up about talking bear movies.

Now that sonuvabitch is gonna do it to us again. I mean, I'll probably go see it, but I also probably won't mention it, because I neither want to hear excited bros quoting it nor get a seminar on the implications of the humor.

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Favorite pastime.

January 29, 2015, 1:52 pm

≫ Next: This is the quickest way to evacuate your drunk friend from a party.

≪ Previous: For better or for worse, Ted 2 exists.

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This is the quickest way to evacuate your drunk friend from a party.

January 29, 2015, 1:55 pm

≫ Next: Thrilled Golden Retreiver never gives up trying to play with the tennis ball on TV.

≪ Previous: Favorite pastime.

Finally, the perfect solution to remove your drunk friend AND cop a grab on his inner thigh.

Don't blink, or you'll miss the best way to lift some dead weight.

Step 1: Facing your drunken buddy, grab his right pant leg with your left hand.

Step 2: Roll under your left arm, grabbing drunky's right inner thigh as you go.

Step 3: Use that momentum to roll the drunk bastard on top of you.

Step 4: Stumble to get up, and evacuate.

Your drunk friend might not thank you, but everyone else will.

*Hardcore evacuation music not included.

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Thrilled Golden Retreiver never gives up trying to play with the tennis ball on TV.

January 29, 2015, 2:25 pm

≫ Next: Here are the 10 most-liked songs of all time according to Pandora listeners.

≪ Previous: This is the quickest way to evacuate your drunk friend from a party.

This adorable blonde idiot is the very definition of hope.

George loves watching the Australian Open because, unlike us humans and his smarter dog friend, he is desperately hoping that that ball will bounce out of the TV to play with him. He patiently waits during time outs, and then jumps back to life once the ball is in play.

Keep jumping George, keep hope alive.

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Here are the 10 most-liked songs of all time according to Pandora listeners.

January 29, 2015, 2:27 pm

≫ Next: If you're going to tell off your boss and quit, at least do it with a cake.

≪ Previous: Thrilled Golden Retreiver never gives up trying to play with the tennis ball on TV.

The Pandora has spoken! Long live the Pandora!

I've got to say that I'm kind of shocked by this list of the ten most liked—or most thumbs-upped—songs in the Pandora music streaming service's ten-year history. It's not so much what's included on the list as what's missing. Like, okay, of course Drake and Adele make sense, because I've heard tell of people enjoying that stuff. But how are you going to have a list of the most popular songs in the world and not include at least one Peter Gabriel-era Genesis song? I mean, I thought for sure "Return of the Giant Hogweed" would be on there.

And that's not all! There's no Steely Dan, no Ween, no Captain Beefheart. I mean, I thought this was supposed to be popular music! And I'm not the only one who's confused by this. Everybody in my weekly roleplaying meet-up is just a perplexed. It makes me think there might be something wrong with Pandora's tracking system. So, take all this with a grain of salt. Here are the ten songs Pandora users have given a thumbs up to the most over the last ten years:

10. The Fray, "How To Save A Life" — 15.6 million thumbs up

9. Adele, "Someone Like You" — 15.8 million thumbs up

8. Gotye, "Somebody That I Used To Know" — 16.2 million thumbs up

7. OneRepublic, "Counting Stars" — 16.3 million thumbs up

6. Maroon 5, "She Will Be Loved" — 17.1 million thumbs up

5. Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris" — 17.3 million thumbs up

4. Mario, "Let Me Love You" — 17.4 million thumbs up

3. Imagine Dragons, "Radioactive" — 18.3 million thumbs up

2. Drake, "The Motto" — 19 million thumbs up

1. Journey, "Don't Stop Believin'" — 20.2 million thumbs up

At least they got it right with #1! I'm so happy to see the song from the Journey arcade game made it onto the list!

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If you're going to tell off your boss and quit, at least do it with a cake.

January 29, 2015, 2:44 pm

≫ Next: Biggest birthday.

≪ Previous: Here are the 10 most-liked songs of all time according to Pandora listeners.

A spoonful of sugar (and eggs and flour) helps the resignation go down.

It's almost Friday, and that probably means that a lot of you are thinking about quitting. You do it every week, but one of these weeks you're really gonna do it, gosh darn it. And when you do...boy are you gonna let that boss of yours have a piece of your mind! Except that you need a referral. So, don't do that.

In the unlikely event that you do work up the nerve to quit, consider doing what this person did last week, and put your bitterness in a sweeter form. Then, play it off like a joke! You can show them all the other hilarious departure cakes on the Internet and pretend that you're all in on the joke together. But you're not. Mwuahahaha. NOT AT ALL.

What's that? I'm told that this person's boss reacted by telling her to leave and take the cake with her. Sounds like that's one godless moneywhore who can't take a very serious joke.

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Biggest birthday.

January 29, 2015, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: 19-year-old student who shot porn in her college library could be shooting porn in jail soon.

≪ Previous: If you're going to tell off your boss and quit, at least do it with a cake.

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19-year-old student who shot porn in her college library could be shooting porn in jail soon.

January 30, 2015, 4:31 am

≫ Next: Only you.

≪ Previous: Biggest birthday.

Oregon State University student Kendra Sutherland just went viral on the filthy web after shooting some solo porn in her school's library.

Shhh!

The 17-minute (how empty is that library?) video shows Sutherland undressing and fondling herself for her camera in OSU's Valley Library. The video was uploaded to porn sites and received over 250,000 views in just a few days, with students sharing it campus-wide. Now police have cited her for public indecency, a misdemeanor that can carry a $6250 fine and up to a year in jail.

Sutherland making sure she's got the all-clear to make some movie magic.
(Via KEZI 9)

"It's the buzz around campus. Everyone is talking about it. And I don't think it was a very appropriate thing to do," OSU student Clifford Harris told KEZI 9.

Sutherland reportedly had not registered for any courses this semester (Yay, college ID's that don't expire!), and the school has been vocal about how this incident does not represent the University. So rest easy, parents. When your kids make porn in the library, it wasn't on the syllabus.

Sutherland in her far more chaste Facebook selfie.

While Sutherland likely won't be invited back to OSU should she try to reenroll next semester, the popularity of the video means she probably has a career in porn waiting if she wants it, ironically making her one of the few college students who might actually find a job after leaving campus.

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Only you.

January 30, 2015, 5:00 am

≫ Next: How millennials and wifi have completely ruined going to the gym for everyone.

≪ Previous: 19-year-old student who shot porn in her college library could be shooting porn in jail soon.

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How millennials and wifi have completely ruined going to the gym for everyone.

January 30, 2015, 7:01 am

≫ Next: Suge Knight is out here killing people. Gas is under $2.00. It's like I'm a kid again.

≪ Previous: Only you.

There's working out, and then there's #WorkingOut.

Good form...and filter.

It's a paradox of the times. If there's an activity that's inherently kind of boring and requires very little of your attention, you're going to do it while staring at your phone. But since staring at your phone is way more engaging than that admittedly boring activity, why bother with the activity at all? Take hitting the gym, for example. One selfie fulfills the need to prove to your followers that you had a killer #workout. Then you can spend the next 55 minutes of gym time giving your undivided attention to your @mentions.

This is the path that has led to the current state of our nation's gyms, as demonstrated by this very cogent video by Razmig.

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Suge Knight is out here killing people. Gas is under $2.00. It's like I'm a kid again.

January 30, 2015, 7:25 am

≫ Next: This compilation of babies getting terrified in tunnels will almost make you want to scare a baby.

≪ Previous: How millennials and wifi have completely ruined going to the gym for everyone.

Jay Fri, 30 Jan 2015 10:25:20 EST

Suge Knight is out here killing people. Gas is under $2.00. It's like I'm a kid again.

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This compilation of babies getting terrified in tunnels will almost make you want to scare a baby.

January 30, 2015, 7:55 am

≫ Next: Sale away.

≪ Previous: Suge Knight is out here killing people. Gas is under $2.00. It's like I'm a kid again.

How quickly their smiles turn to terror when once again these babies are confronted with their old nemesis: the tunnel.

Is it the orange lighting? Or the reminder of their first and most harrowing experience as they were ushered into existence? Have they been reborn again?

Or, are they just terrified of the unknown, like naive children taking a ride with an eccentric candy man?

There's no earthly way of knowing... which direction we are going...not a speck of light is showing... so the danger must be growing...

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Sale away.

January 30, 2015, 8:00 am

≫ Next: This is how they pass the time in Japan...

≪ Previous: This compilation of babies getting terrified in tunnels will almost make you want to scare a baby.

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This is how they pass the time in Japan...

January 30, 2015, 8:25 am

≫ Next: Some dude has been putting up wonderfully bizarre ads on Chicago's metro system.

≪ Previous: Sale away.

I've been watching this for forty minutes and still don't understand how this works.

Usually making the "beast with two backs" is a metaphor for sexual intercourse, but I feel like this is more appropriate. Unless, these boys have figured out a new way to have sex, in which case I fully support sex being admitted into the Olympics.

The explanation in the comments section is in Japanese, so a quick Google translate explains it as this:

I don't know, either.

I translated it back and forth until I got closer, and now I believe it to mean that they were monkey-ing around in a room in the Tokai region of Japan. If anyone can translate this Japanese better than Google, let me know.

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Some dude has been putting up wonderfully bizarre ads on Chicago's metro system.

January 30, 2015, 8:40 am

≫ Next: Poor you.

≪ Previous: This is how they pass the time in Japan...

Yes.

The Chicago subway system, or the L, is getting a little more fun thanks to a Kickstarter-funded campaign called the Chicago Transit Project by comedian Ben Larrison. As he explains on the CTP site,

The average weekly ridership on CTA trains is almost 4 million. Four million! Imagine how much more interesting we will make those rides—how many commuters' days we'll brighten, how many tourists we'll confuse, how many awkward dates we'll lend a source of conversation.

Tourists certainly may get even more wary of city dwellers after reading some of these...

"Tom, I'm gonna give that beggar some money." "Don't, Darlene. He's probably squirrels."

The official-sounding CTP raised $4,000 on the crowdfunding site to buy ad space in 100 train cars on Chicago's Red Line. The ads come in two flavors: "#SquirrelTruth" and "...Vanessa?":

We haven't spotted any ...Vanessa? ads posted to the Internet, so maybe the campaign hasn't started yet. If you see any, let us know! In the meantime, though, we're really digging the #SquirrelTruth facts (spotted by redditor crazypoppycorn).

And if they do wish you Happy Birthday, they probably have rabies and have gone insane

There seem to be four in total, including this one that crazypoppycorn missed:

This ad COULD be a warning about the future squirrel uprising. Open your eyes America! #squirreltruth #cta pic.twitter.com/zxllde8GTJ
— Sabella F. (@MacandRow) January 19, 2015

If anyone feels like bringing this project to NYC, I know a few million grumpy morning commuters who might appreciate it.

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Poor you.

January 30, 2015, 9:30 am

≫ Next: Taking a stand.

≪ Previous: Some dude has been putting up wonderfully bizarre ads on Chicago's metro system.

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Taking a stand.

January 30, 2015, 9:33 am

≫ Next: Upright worker.

≪ Previous: Poor you.

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Upright worker.

January 30, 2015, 9:53 am

≫ Next: Sell your poop to this company and make up to $13,000 per year. It's not a sex thing.

≪ Previous: Taking a stand.

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Sell your poop to this company and make up to $13,000 per year. It's not a sex thing.

January 30, 2015, 10:10 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 30, 2015

≪ Previous: Upright worker.

If you aren't selling your poop, you are literally flushing money down the toilet.

Get cut in while you cut one.

You could be making cash while you read this. Someone is offering real money for your feces, and it isn't even some weird Japanese sex thing that you have to hide from your family.

OpenBiome uses your human poop to create a medical treatment for people suffering from an intestinal infection, and have decided that each waste donation you make is worth $40. They want to buy your poop so bad, that If you come in and crap for them 5 times a week, they'll give you and extra $50. That's $250/week my friend, or $13,000/year, just for being yourself.

A lot of people say they love crapping at work because it feels like they are getting paid to shit. Cut out the middle man.

OpenBiome won't even make you sit through meetings or participate in the corporate trap of debt slavery and moderate contentment that keeps us from questioning the status quo.

Instead, crapping for cash helps people who suffer from C. difficile infections lead normal lives which is way more than your poop has ever done for anyone.

Give a shit. (via OpenBiome)

Here's how you can drop your kids off at the pool and swim in some cash:

Step 1: Decide you are the type of person who can crap in a lab on the regular.

We are talking predictable movements so you're not just guzzling coffee and praying to god.

Step 2: Pass an extreme series of medical testing.

OpenBiome doesn't just take people's shit. After you sign up for their registry, they will contact you to take a questionnaire like you are giving blood. Then, you come back another day and crap for them. If your poop's cool they'll ask for some of your blood and make a decision from there.

It sounds easy but in an interview with The Washington Post, OpenBiome co-founder Mark Smith said, "It's harder to become a donor than it is to get into MIT." Only four percent of the people who have attempted to sell their passed movements have passed muster.

Step 3: Move to Medford, Massachusetts.

That's where the lab is.

Easy peasy.

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