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A-Rod! Dr. Who! "Johnny Football"! PLUS diarrhea! It's not a fever dream, it's Five Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today!

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Aren't you supposed to bang hot slampieces? Or is bang and slam too redundant?

"Jezebel got ahold of your email" should be among the most terrifying sentences a fraternity guy can hear, if they knew what Jezebel was. This brodybrobrobro thought he was just writing your standard my-father-let-me-have-several-million-dollars-because-I-can't-get-a-job-so-now-I'm-starting-a-hedge-fund email. Before you think his father is reckless though, keep in mind that in his opening paragraph, he makes it clear that he and his father consider it Obama's fault that every interviewer this guy met vomited in his face:

It's Shark Week this week where everyday is worse for seals than the worst Monday you've ever experienced. It's a week that reminds you that the only thing scarier than these cold-blooded, dead-eyed monsters are possibly your cold-blooded, dead-eyed coworkers. So tune into the Discovery Channel for a great excuse as to why you will not be exposing your flabby seal-like body at the beach for at least another week.

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Look, you said you wanted a little brother to play with! Mommy's ovulating!

According to Gawker, this footage was recorded in the Chinese city of X'ian, and we're betting that the Chinese city of X'ian might be one of those cities that's lacking in private bedroom space. The video, which has gone viral in China, reportedly shows a little boy impatiently trying to pull his mother and father apart while they have sex in a public park. Though it could also be a girlfriend and boyfriend, one of them charged with taking their bratty little brother out to the park for the day. Either way, the responsibility of providing guidance to a child is no match for the urge to guide their genitals up inside each other.

Guess it's better to be open about it than to feed him the "mommy and daddy were just wrestling and our clothes fell off" line when he walks into their room unannounced. Still, what line are they giving to the other innocent bystanders who just wanted to enjoy their park? Clearly it isn't "Please stop video recording us."

Invite someone to join you for public sex, or any other kind of sex for that matter >>

(via Gawker)

What did they find a bus-sized lump of in the London sewer? Who's on trial now? How are you going to have to watch TV shows in the future? Find out in Five Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today!

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