So thirsty.
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A guy cleverly illustrates how much his snoring wife sounds like an airplane.
Those clouds look just like pillows.
As far as airplane noises go, the Fokker Dr.I triplane is probably among the most daintiest. I used to date a girl who snored exactly like a Boeing KC-767 Advanced Tanker ascending through heavy storm clouds with one blown engine. That was a turbulent relationship.
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A German town tricked neo-Nazis into marching against themselves.
"What would the Führer think?"
Imagine if busloads of racist assholes descended upon your home town every year to march through the streets in support of global awfulness and there was nothing you could do to stop them. How would you deal with a situation like that? I mean, there's only so many times you can yell, "You suck!" from the sidewalk before you start to feel like maybe you're wasting your time.
This is exactly the problem the residents of Wunsiedel, Germany experienced before they came up with an ingenious way to a group of very persistent neo-Nazis into undermining their own intolerant efforts. And that's how the Nazis Against Nazis Walkathon was born.
For every meter the very confused-looking bigots walked, €10 was donated to a program that helps people get out of dangerous hate groups. You know, like the one they're all in.
In the end, the very confused bigots managed to raise €10,000 (or about $12,000) to oppose themselves. Those are some extremely dedicated extremists!
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Big comeback.
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This 2-year-old girl is so angry that her mom just had a new baby.
"Noooooo!!!"
I wouldn't worry too much about little Piper here. As soon as she discovers that her new baby sister isn't so much a threat as a fervent disciple and willing torture victim, she'll be thrilled about the addition to the family. There's nothing quite like a sibling!
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Somehow this mash-up of Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" and Nine Inch Nails' "The Perfect Drug" shakes out perfectly.
It's weird how well this works.
On the other hand, Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" just screams for more black trench coats and knives, doesn't it?
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Whatever works.
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As usual, Kanye managed to make the Grammys all about him last night.
Kanye very nearly "pulled a Kanye" when Beck won Album of the Year.
He's gonna let you finish! LOL! (CBS)
After Beck's "Morning Phase" beat out Beyonce's self-titled album for Album of the Year, Kanye West, class clown, headed up on the stage to grab that award right out of his hands.
He then seemed to think better of it and went back to his seat, while Beck called after him to stay.
It cracked Jay-Z and Beyonce up, and everyone seemed entertained by Kanye repeating the notorious episode where he grabbed the mic out of Taylor Swift's hands after she won at the VMAs.
All in good fun, right?
But no, he is, of course, Kanye, and therefore a) genuinely pissed and b) not capable of being that self-aware. After the show, E! interviewed him about the seemingly staged moment, and Kanye went on the kind of rant that only Kanye can rant:
I just know that, the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We aren't going to play with them no more. 'Flawless.' Beyoncé's video. And Beck needs to respect artistry, he should have given his award to Beyoncé. At this point, we tired of it. What happens is, when you keep on diminishing art, and not respecting the craft, and smacking people in the face after they deliver monumental feats of music, you're disrespectful to inspiration. We, as musicians, have to inspire people who go to work every day, and they listen to that Beyoncé album, and they feel like it takes them to a different place. And then they do this promotional event, and they'll run the music over somebody's speech, the artist, because they want commercial advertising. We aren't playing with them anymore. And by the way, I got my wife, my daughter, and I got my clothing line, so I'm not going to do nothing that would put my daughter at risk, but I am here to fight for creativity. That's why I didn't say anything tonight, but you all knew what it meant when 'Ye stepped on that stage.
Phew. Luckily, Beck took it in stride. He told Us Weekly: "I still love him and think he's genius. I aspire to do what he does."
Well, hopefully not what he does at the Grammys.
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Pharrell does not think Taylor Swift is as adorable as she thinks she is.
Pharrell was not won over by Taylor Swift's in-seat dancing at the Grammys last night.
He gave her little performance some serious side eye, and the Vine of his disapproval has over 3 million loops.
Maybe he's contemplating if she's secretly sad she didn't win any Grammys. Or maybe he was just wondering why her dress straps look like she's carrying a backpack, but there is no backpack. Confusing!
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Crazy love.
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Shopped around.
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The Assassination of Brian Williams by the Coward Brian Williams: a montage of his slow-building lie.
Oh Bri-Wi, say it ain't such B.S.
The downfall of Brian Williams reached a crescendo this weekend with the voluntary "temporary" departure of the NBC Nightly News anchor. While Comcast and NBC use this break to decide the final fate of the newscaster, the NYTimes has taken the opportunity to gather the damning footage of Mr. Williams digging himself a hole in the shifting Iraqi sands of his memory. What follows is a time-lapse of a man sealing his own fate over the course of more than a decade.
There is still the question of whether it was acceptable to say "the helicopter in front of us" in 2003, when apparently it was an hour ahead of Williams, but that kind of exaggeration is peanuts compared to claiming to have been in a Chinook that actually received RPG fire.
Remember better times: Brian Williams lays down a flawless cover of Snoop Dogg's "Who Am I?"
Sure, there were probably hundreds of incidents where Williams told the story at parties and dinners, adding a little bit each time, but watching the jarring switch from 2003 to 2013 really shows how much his tune changed. He probably would have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn't been so arrogant (or so honestly self-deluded) as to air a story about the pilot flying his helicopter being honored at Madison Square Garden.
The end result is painful to watch, unless you're one of the many who are enjoying this because one of the anchors of the corporate media who fell down on their reporting of Iraq in 2003 is getting punished, or simply because a member of the corporate-media-minus-Fox-News is in trouble.
Remember better times: Brian Williams announces his daughter will be playing Peter Pan like a very professional dad.
To think that, only a few weeks ago, we felt bad for Brian Williams because he had to watch his daughter Allison get her butt eaten on Girls and then stink up Peter Pan Live in front of the country. Now I imagine Allison feels worse watching TV than the relatives of the guy who did the actual butt-eating.
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The wall-hanging TVs have ears: Samsung says if their TVs listen to you, it's your fault.
Watch what you say in your living room. Your fancy new flatscreen is keeping tabs.
Even this image can hear what you're saying about it.
How smart do you really want your Smart TV to be? I'd say, smart enough to remember to DVR Pawn Stars, but not so smart that it hears you say your social security number and sends it to some shady Deep Web types. According to the Daily Beast, that's a legitimate concern if you have one of Samsung's newer Smart TVs with voice command features. They're reporting that the South Korean electronics giant buried a clause in the privacy policy for its TVs that says:
"Please be aware that if your spoken words include personal or other sensitive information, that information will be among the data captured and transmitted to a third party."
Third party? Who's the third party? Is it THE Party, like from 1984? A lot of people have been comparing this story to the "telescreens" in George Orwell's dystopian novel. Personally, I think that's unfair. I mean sure, the telescreens in that book are TVs that watch and listen to you in your home and relay that information to a fascist government, but they didn't have 4k resolution, integrated Netflix, and 3D capability. And you can't control them with your voice, they just control you.
Let's hope Samsung isn't working on that next.
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Letting you finish.
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Man arrested for selling drugs fills in "drug dealer" as occupation on police report.
West Palm Beach heroin and crack dealer Robert Phillips, 25, was recently arrested. According to police, when he was asked to help fill out his police report, Phillips wrote down "drug dealer" as his occupation.
He might as well have written "future prisoner." (via)
Wow. This is pretty much the dumbest thing a criminal could do. Phillips must have been following the steps to become the world's dumbest criminal.
If you are not familiar, the process to become the dumbest criminal on the planet is as follows:
Step 1: Steal a car.
Legal cars are for smart criminals only. Driving around in a stolen car is the best way to alert police to your criminal activity!
Step 2: Cut off a cop in your stolen car.
Ok, sure, the cop car Phillips cut off was unmarked, but the prudent criminal might still be on the lookout for the signs of police presence. For example, the extra lights on the front and back dashboards and enough antennae to communicate with space.
Instead, a stupid criminal will race around in a stolen car like he's driving one of the teacups from Disneyland. Don't forget to ignore these telltale signs that police might be present:
You'll want to ignore all of this. (via)
Step 3: Don't notice a cop is following you as you lead him to a drug deal.
Go ahead and just ignore the fact that the guy you just cut off is following you. In Robert Phillips's case, the cop watched the whole thing. Then he called in a bunch of other cops. Cops everywhere.
Step 4: Lead police on a high-speed car chase with a car full of heroin and crack and cash.
OK, yes, it is possible you will get away. But probably not. Phillips didn't.
Step 5: Once arrested, accidentally sign your own confession by writing "drug dealer" in the occupation section of your police report.
Was "drug dealer who leads police on a high-speed car chase in a stolen car full of heroin, crack, and cash" too long for the space provided?
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Sexx flaws.
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Here's what every sexting conversation ever actually looks like.
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This parrot keeps repeating the ridiculous fights of its previous married owners.
It might be time for this bird to break up.
Here's a useful tip: if your relationship is failing, a new pet won't save it. That goes double for a bird that can mimic the sound of your lovers' quarrels. All that you'll do is leave a living, breathing reminder of your unhappiness with a 50-year lifespan.
That's what happened with Peaches the cockatoo. Before she was adopted by her current owners, she lived with a married couple who ended up separating. Now, Peaches will launch into one-sided bouts of bitter shouting multiple times per day. The creepiest part is that she doesn't say any distinct words, but the tone is very clear. That means she eerily recreates the experience of being a kid and sticking your head under your pillow to muffle the sound of your parents fighting.
Did this just get too personal? Whatever, we've all been there.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 9, 2015
1. Beck Outs Self As Unfeeling Automaton After Kanye West Incident
After being publicly humiliated on live television for the crime of not being the artist Kanye West wanted to win the Grammy for Album of the Year, Beck responded to the slight in a way that no actual human being would: unsettling niceness. "I was just so excited he was coming up. He deserves to be on stage as much as anybody," Beck said to Us Weekly in response to questions about West approaching him onstage and later saying he should give the award to Beyoncé. "You can't please everybody, man. I still love him and think he's genius. I aspire to do what he does." It is currently unknown whether Beck is an alien, a robot or just a simple lobotomy patient.
I already feel bad for the youth soccer coach Kanye West will one day scream at.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) February 9, 2015
2. Show Made By Great Filmmakers And Starring Great Actors Turns Out To Be Surprisingly Great
Despite extremely high expectations among fans for Better Call Saul, AMC's spinoff of the cultural phenomenon that was Breaking Bad has so far managed to please practically every critic and television viewer. The Wall Street Journal's Scott Neumyer said the show "is so utterly full of life, interesting storytelling, great writing and acting, and such a complete show unto itself that it is difficult to even label it a 'spinoff.'" If the showrunners can just maintain this impossible level of quality for 40 or 50 episodes, they should be able to escape comparisons to Breaking Bad.
My favorite part of the Grammys is watching Better Call Saul.
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 9, 2015
3. Alabama Determined To Hold Onto Retrograde Hatred Of Gay People For As Long As Possible
Despite a federal judge ruling that Alabama must start issuing marriage licenses to gay couples today, the state's chief justice, Roy S. Moore, is trying to make the state cling to its irrational dislike of homosexuals for as long as it can manage by issuing an order that "no probate judge of the state of Alabama nor any agent or employee of any Alabama probate judge shall issue or recognize a marriage license that is inconsistent with (the Alabama Constitution)." They just need a few more days of that sweet, sweet homophobia until citizens find some new group to oppress.
Finally male cousins can marry in Alabama! #ALmarriage
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) February 9, 2015
4. Brian Williams To Stop Being Charming In Public
Amidst the insanely fascinating spectacle of his career imploding, Brian Williams has decided to cancel a scheduled appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman so that he can focus on hiding in his closet and rocking himself into unconsciousness. This seems unwise to me. He could have used this as an opportunity to explain how Martians from the future had implanted the contested Chinook anecdote as a false memory in his brain.
Brian Williams has announced he is stepping down. Actually, that's what NBC said. Williams claimed he was shot down.
— Gabe Abelson (@Gabelson) February 9, 2015
5. New York Commuters Threatened By A Non-Mariachi-Related Plague
New Yorkers who frequent the city's subway system are often forced to deal with a lot of impositions, ranging from human beings who smell like public toilets to 22-decibel, five-piece Mariachi bands who appear out of nowhere. According to a new study of filthy subway poles, anthrax, E. coli and bubonic plague can now be added to the list.
bubonic plague is the leading cause of death among hipsters #FACT
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) February 24, 2014
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Iggy Azalea started a cheesy beef with Papa Johns, and now DiGiorno is trying to slide in.
First things first, Papa John's was the meal-est.
. @PapaJohns was my favorite pizza but the drivers they use give out your personal phone number to their family members.
— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) February 8, 2015
Iggy Azalea has had beefs before, most notably with her name-nemesis Azealia Banks and some imaginary dust-ups with Snoop Dogg and Nicki Minaj. Nothing, however, matches the sheer anger and emotion the blonde Australian has shown towards America's third-largest pizza delivery empire, Papa John's. Shockingly, one of Papa John's thousands of delivery guys proved incapable of keeping a celebrity client's phone number secret, despite the $5 in tips he put at risk by losing her as a customer.
@PapaJohns I ordered a cheese pizza but instead I got tons of calls and messages like this one. pic.twitter.com/fgKhydivXb
— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) February 8, 2015
DiGiorno backed Iggy up, representing pre-packaged corporate products everywhere.
Like a DiGiorno pizza, a new Iggy song takes 20 minutes to make using off-the-shelf parts.
The funniest part of the entire episode is that when Papa Johns wasn't responding to her fast enough, Iggy started jumping on complete strangers' tweets to the company, hijacking normal people's attempts to make viral complaints to the company:
Excuse me, mate, but someone more important than you is trying to talk to Papa.
That post she jumped in on was actually pretty amusing in and of itself:
You to good to cut my pizza? That's a 1st. @PapaJohnspic.twitter.com/ygi7BAQjpa
— 4Rhoden (@RhodenChristy) February 7, 2015
More on that non-Iggy-Azalea person's pizza troubles later, since there's no way I'm paying her more attention for this.
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