Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Giving it up.


Boston's mayor begging bored residents to stop jumping out of windows into the snow.

0
0

Boston is currently experiencing its snowiest February in history. Since January 23, the city has had seven-and-a-half feet of snow.


He's got the snow madness. (via Instagram)

Residents have been forced to find ways to amuse themselves.

And one of the stupidest ways is participating in the Boston Blizzard Challenge.







A video posted by MissFree (@missfreemarie) on

The challenge involves jumping from an upper-level window into the mounds of snow below. In theory, the snow cushions your fall, like a cold pile of feathers. In reality, you break your neck.

Now, Mayor Martin J. Walsh has gotten involved, saying at a press conference yesterday that people need to stop being "foolish."

We're asking people to act responsibly in the city of Boston. This isn't Loon Mountain, this is the city of Boston, where we're trying to remove snow off of the street and it becomes very dangerous. And the last thing we want to do is respond to an emergency call where somebody jumped out of the window because they thought it was a funny thing to do.

You hear that, folks? This isn't Loon Mountain!







A video posted by Kiara Gomes (@kiki_gomaj) on

What he's saying makes sense until you remember how long people have been stuck indoors. What are they supposed to do—play Scrabble? No way, man. Desperate times call for idiotic antics.

A simple guide to what the smudges on your Catholic friends' heads today really mean.

0
0

Sorry you ticked off the priest at some point.


"The Franciscan" is a joke about monks who shave the tops of their heads.
I think. I'm a bad Catholic. (via @BillDonaghy)

This Catholic identification guide comes via Bill Donaghy to let you know what sort of Catholic your friends are—the prompt kind, or the "my-head-slipped-because-I'm-hungover-from-Fat-Tuesday" kind.

Today is Ash Wednesday, aka "Let's Figure Out Who's Catholic Day," when practicing Roman Catholics get a bit of soot smudged on their foreheads to remind them of the whole ashes-to-ashes, dust-to-dust thing. It's also the start of Lent, the 40-day period before Easter where everyone makes unbearable jokes about what they're giving up for Lent. It's also the day after the sin-fest of Fat Tuesday/Carnival/Mardi Gras, so Ash Wednesday also serves the purpose of forcing hungover Catholics to actually get out of bed on Wednesday. Except the people who got the "First in Line" smudge, who are no fun on Fat or skinny Tuesdays.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 18, 2015

0
0

1. Michael Bay To Make Boom! Boom! Kerplow! Adaptation Of Benghazi Incident

Michael Bay is planning to direct an excessively loud and jarringly edited film about the 2012 attack on the U.S. embassy in Benghazi, Libya, starring John Krasinski as a guy who will stand in front of slow-motion explosions. This is one of two films scheduled to be made about the politically charged incident. The competing adaptation is by a guy who did not direct a series of movies about giant transforming robots, but did produce a movie based on a book that was adapted from a piece of Twilight fan fiction.


2. Texas Judge Discovers Innovative Means Of Screwing Over Obama

Judge Andrew Hanen of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Texas managed to bring Barack Obama's immigration reform plans to a grinding halt yesterday, when he ruled that the president's executive order violated an obscure law from 1946 because it did not give the public adequate time to respond in writing before going into effect. This move accomplishes two things: 1) it stops hundreds of thousands of undocumented immigrants from being able to apply for work permits and receive legal protection, and 2) it gives your borderline racist uncle something to gloat about on Facebook.


3. Beagle Wins 'Best In Show' Despite Being Beagle

A beagle named Miss P shocked the world—or at least the limited number of people in the world who care about dog shows—by winning 'Best in Show' at the Westminster Kennel Club's annual conformation show. The unlikely winner will serve as an inspiration for beagles the world over—or at least those dogs who are able to comprehend abstract notions about competition and breed purity, which is to say none.


4. Chipotle Is Apparently The Reason Why Everybody In America Is So Fat

According to new data acquired by the New York Times, the average meal at Mexican chain restaurant Chipotle contains approximately 1,070 calories, which is somewhere between two-thirds and half of the recommended calories for one day of eating. It also contains "close to a full day's worth of salt (2,400 milligrams) and 75 percent of a full day's worth of saturated fat." Luckily, most of us only eat there three or four times a week.


5. Uh Oh, Which One Of You Dummies Woke Up All The Grizzly Bears?

Grizzly bears at Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming are apparently emerging from winter hibernation a month earlier than normal, according to park officials. Assuming they're anything like me when woken up early, visitors to the park should avoid them at all costs, lest they be mauled or forced into a unnecessarily vitriolic argument about why there are still so many dishes in the sink from last night.

When a groom's health problems were revealed at the altar, the bride married a wedding guest instead.

0
0

Is there anyone here who can think of a reason these two should should not be joined... besides the groom's entire family?


In sickness and... to hell with that. (stock photo)

25-year-old Jugal Kishore was seconds from marrying 23-year-old bride Indira when his secret medical problems betrayed him.

Jugal was about to place a garland around Indira's neck during the traditional Var Mala ceremony (symbolically similar to the exchanging of the rings) when he broke into an epileptic fit. It was then Indira realized Jugal's family had hidden his medical history from her.

Jugal was rushed to the Doctor, but strangely, Indira stuck around at the venue.

According to the Times of India,

"The young bride, angry that her family had been kept in the dark about Kishore's medical condition, promptly changed her mind and announced that she would happily marry at the same ceremony a guest at the wedding, a man called Harpal Singh."

That's one way to save on the deposits.

The Times then reported that Singh, while flustered and totally not dressed to be married, sauntered up to Indira in a jeans and leather jacket and agreed to marry her.

Right place, right time, Harpal. Indira and her "guest" got married at the same ceremony in which she was supposed to marry someone else. This girl really knows how to rebound.

Of course, Kishore's family was pissed.

Jugal regained consciousness and made it back to the ceremony in time to find that his bride was already married to someone else.

After begging her to reconsider, and spare him the humiliation of returning home without a bride, things got violent and guests even threw flatware to get her to change her mind.

Police were called and some of the guests were arrested, although an officer from the Milak Police station has since said that, "Both families have amicably resolved the matter. Kishore and his family have now returned in peace to Moradabad."

Maybe he should have stuck around, instead. If his bride could find a new groom at the wedding ceremony, Jugal probably could have found a new bride at the reception.

Sticking through it.

A very enthusiastic dog forces a weatherman to play fetch during a live broadcast.

0
0


I wish this dog would fetch us some decent weather.

Griffey the Weather Dog of KOLR-10 in Springfield, Missouri is one of the few canines working in the field of meteorology. He doesn't contribute greatly to his person John Zeigler's forecasts, per se. But he certainly makes them less boring:

Beyoncé fans are outraged at these gorgeous unretouched photos of Beyoncé.

0
0

When Queen Bey is threatened, the whole BeyHive swarms.


Who is this mysterious woman with texture on her skin?(via Complex)

More than 200 unretouched photos from Beyoncé's 2013 L'Oreal campaign were leaked online by fansite The Beyoncé World, which has since removed them. Apparently, an army of frenzied fans descended on the publishers, frothing at the mouth with rage that anyone would slander their idol by revealing what she looks like.

Complex managed to save some of the photos before they were taken down, which is lucky for us, because frankly, they're amazing. I'm not trying to suck up to her fans or preserve my feminist cred here – she just looks great. She might be sporting a couple of small pimples and wrinkles, but those are necessary side effects of having skin. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Beyoncé is a beautiful woman.

It's hard to imagine she's that bothered by having these out there. If Beyoncé is one thing, it's confident. I guess her fans are insecure on her behalf. I wonder what they imagine she's thinking in these photos:


"What? You were expecting someone more flawless?"(via Complex)


"I'm always smashing these mirrors in horror at my reflection."(via Complex)


"Don't look at me!!!"(via Complex)

If there's a real tragedy to this story, it's how crazy Bey's fans have become. Turning on each other for trying to celebrate her natural beauty? This is getting out of control. I even heard one of her most deranged stalkers interrupted an awards show to protest her not winning, and almost did it twice.

If I were her (and I've thought about it) I would start trying to calm this mob down. This BeyHive is getting dangerously close to becoming a Cult of PersonaliBey.

To remember Beyoncé in saner times (Monday), check out this clip of her awesome tribute to Stevie Wonder, featuring Ed Sheeran and Gary Clark, Jr.



Boner scientists: Banana Spider venom will power the aging erections of the future.

0
0

It's polite to buy the spider a drink, first.


"One kiss from me and you'll be ready to go!" (via Phil Torres)

Combined, the erectile dysfunction drugs Viagra and Cialis rake in about $4 billion a year. That is a swollen, raging market. It's huge. As advanced societies get older, more and more men have erectile problems, and that pile of soft money gets even bigger. Naturally, scientists are always on the lookout for the next stand-out drug in making men stand out. According to Wired, that drug may be here, in the form of genetically modified Banana Spider venom.

Yes, the Banana Spider (also called the Wandering Spider). It got that name because it was occasionally found in bunches of bananas shipped back to America from its home in Brazil, but I imagine it will now always have that name because of the help it will give bananas worldwide. Man bananas. You see, the venom of the Banana Spider (among other effects) causes muscles to relax, allowing blood to flow into the penis—just like ED drugs.

If your spider sense is tingling, please seek medical attention.

I don't want to get technical, so here's some very light dick science: wieners are actually always tense, and it's only by relaxing that they can fill with blood. Men who have ever been nervous in a naked situation (or made the bad choice to use amphetamines or cocaine) will understand this to be true. By relaxing some valves (basically) at the base of the human banana with drugs or spider venom, you can get a temporary visa back to boner town. A work visa, if you know what I mean.

How did they find this out? I'll tell you, because it's horrifying: people bitten by Banana Spiders sometimes get priapism, the medical term for the mythical "erection lasting longer than four hours." After 20 years of jokes about this, you might want to know why that's actually bad: all that blood just sits there...and when blood just sits somewhere, it clots. Then, your hilarious day-long erection falls off and it's a whole thing. BUT, scientists noticed this and they were like "if we can dial that back a little, spider venom could totally work."


A Banana Spider on a tree that was totally limp just a few minutes ago.

They don't get the venom from spiders—they modify the genes of bacteria and caterpillar cells in order to produce the isolated venom chemicals in petri dishes. Much less gross. Experiments are currently under way in mice, and apparently spider venom has fewer side effects than Viagra and Cialis—for example, those drugs can make you go blind. Not from masturbating, but from the actual drugs themselves.

So, the next time you're about to squash a friendly SpiderBro, stop to wonder whether you're squishing someone else's erection.

Somebody finally invented a fake baby that you can smuggle booze in.

0
0


So fulfilling!

Babies are alright. But they're really no match for a really good batch of fresh margaritas (with real sour mix—none of that store-bought bottled shit). Yes, a baby has the potential to eventually grow into the kind of caring and decent human being that will make you feel some small sense of validation for decades of hard work and struggle. But a quart of margaritas will make stop caring about all that shit and enjoy your life now. So, you know, it's really no contest.

And that's why Simon Philion's Cool Baby invention is so genius. According to its Kickstarter page, it's "an expressive, customizable, hands-free beverage insulator that looks like a baby." What it really is, though, is a way to manage your booze habit in places that unfairly allow you to bring babies but not margaritas. Here, take a look at how it works:

Don't be fooled by the "cola" bottle he's using to fill up the baby. That's just code for margaritas.

Oh, the video doesn't even touch upon the truly genius aspect of this invention: when you inevitably vomit up the contents of your stomach onto the department store's floor, you can just blame it on the baby. Everyone will think it's adorable!

Unpublished Dr. Seuss book to be released this summer, 20 years after the author's death.

0
0

One Book Two Book Un-read Book New Book!


Oh, the books written by your dead husband you'll sell!
(via Random House Children's Books)

Despite passing away more than 20 years ago, an unpublished manuscript by Dr. Seuss (real name Theodor Seuss Geisel), the famed author of The Cat in the Hat and How The Grinch Stole Christmas, was discovered—complete with full text and illustrations.

The book was found by Dr. Seuss's widow and his secretary in their La Jolla home in 2013, and publisher Random House is describing the find as the "literary equivalent of buried treasure."

The book, entitled What Pet Should I Get?, will feature the characters from One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish, and teaches the life lesson of learning to make up one's mind.

Strange that this long-lost book will be released so soon after the announcement that an un-published manuscript by (still living) Harper Lee is also set to hit the stands. Coincidence?

Maybe What Pet Should I Get? is actually the prequel to If I Ran The Zoo.

The book will be available July 28th, but you can pre-order it now.

Give up.

The neverending story.

This newspaper should never have put these two headlines next to each other.

0
0

And now Father Goose can't fly over schools.


And he is not impressed. (via redditor Thewarship)

Today's Toronto Star featured a profile piece on Bill Lishman, the ultralight aircraft pilot who inspired the character of "Father Goose" in the Anna Pacquin film Fly Away Home. Lishman has a book out, and the story also features some of the gorgeous photos he's taken from the air. What he is not famous for is creating a national outrage by taking a gander at 15-year-old girls.

Like most Canadian news outlets today, the Star also featured a story about the sad case of the 15-year-old female student in Quebec who was forced to completely strip behind a screen at school when she was suspected of carrying drugs. A Canadian judge has just ruled that the procedure was lawful. More importantly, Bill Lishman was in no way involved.


A screenshot of the online version of today's paper.(via Toronto Star)

What shouldn't be lawful, because it might amount to libel, is putting those two headlines next to each other.

'Uptown Funk' is considerably less funky without any music, but way funnier.

0
0


Better with or without music? You decide!

What exactly is it about Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars' ridiculously catch pop song "Uptown Funk" that makes it such a goddamned infectious tune? Is it the music, that driving funk-boogie groove that recalls the Minneapolis sound of the early '80s? Or is it some ineffable other thing?

Turns out, it's the music. It's definitely the music, as is plainly obvious from musicless version of its video:

And now here it is with music for comparison:

Definitely definitelyDEFINITELY the music. Come to think of it, that was a really dumb question on my part. I'm feeling pretty silly right now.


Naked woman stops traffic to masturbate, offends some people in a Lexus.

0
0

Greeting from Orlando, where the weather is warm enough to pleasure yourself on a suburban street!


Does this look like the face of someone who just masturbated?
(via Orange County Police Dept.)

31-year-old Amie Carter took a bunch of unknown drugs and/or alcohol and strolled naked down an Orlando street until she faced off with a couple driving a Lexus. That's when her sense of self-romance struck and she began to masturbate, much to the horror of the of those inside the luxury vehicle, as well as those now stuck in traffic behind it.

After she "finished," she climbed onto the hood of the Lexus, stomped on the roof, and then threw her cell phone at the car behind her.

When cops arrived on the scene, it was easy to finger the culprit: they found Carter totally nude. In the police report, officers wrote that "Carter appeared to be under the influence [of] a heavy unknown substance."

Add a heavy dose of self-induced oxytocin to that mystery cocktail.

They also wrote that "she appeared in an altered mental state, displaying extremely irrational and volatile behavior."

Volatile, sure. But irrational? I mean, she really didn't have much of a choice. Once you've walked down the street, you kinda have to masturbate and then jump on a car, otherwise what's the point?

Carter was arrested and taken to Orange County Jail, where she was charged with criminal mischief and exposure of sexual organs.

I find this all to be very circumstantial. Maybe she wasn't masturbating. She didn't have any pockets, isn't it possible she was just looking for her keys?

I hope she gets off.

The ice storm in North Carolina resulted in a ghost Jeep.

0
0

It can't leave this Earth until it settles its unpaid parking tickets.


"I am the ghost of Jeep Models Future." (via WITN)

North Carolina was covered in ice last night as this winter's harsh weather continues to pound the East Coast, but like many ice storms it also created some very cool pictures. In particular are these photos sent by viewers to WITN, NBC's affiliate for eastern NC, of a Jeep that left an ice shell of itself suspended in a parking lot.

No hard facts are known in this story, so we're just left with theories. Which is fine, because it's the Internet. The leading theory is that the car's owner let it warm up for a while (which detached the ice from the grill) before backing away. The ice was still frozen at the bottom to the sidewalk.


Rear view, not a mirror. (via WITN)

Or, OR! MAYBE that ice grill will remain there until someone true of heart and owning a Grand Cherokee pulls into the spot, becoming the next King or Queen of Jeeplandia. Maybe.

These new 'Game of Thrones' deleted scenes are all we have until the show starts in two months.

0
0

Savor these extra 60 seconds for the next 60 days.

We here love Game of Thrones. We write recaps of every episode. We watch all the deleted scenes and bloopers, as well as the awesome remixes of the deleted scenes. We watch non-readers react in horror when they finally realize something horrible is about to happen.

But mostly, we wait. We wait, and we wait, and we wait. Today, that waiting is a little easier because HBO put out these two deleted scenes from Season 4. They both involve characters comforting each other after the cruel dismissal of friends and (would-be) lovers. No surprise that the few moments of kindness were what ended up on the cutting floor.

Although teasing me and whetting my appetite for more is perhaps the cruelest thing about this. Touché, HBO. Touché.

Something special.

Idle hand.

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images