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Terrible apartment building in Florida will fine you $10,000 for negative reviews.

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Making people fearful of speaking out is a great idea that will always work well and has never, ever backfired.


I hope the view's nice, at least. (via Windmere Cay)

If you own an apartment building, there are two ways to ensure you don't get negative reviews from your tenants:

  1. Provide great service and make your apartment building a wonderful place to live. Maybe put some fresh flowers in the lobby. A carafe of cucumber water? Why not!
  2. Make tenants sign a "social media addendum" where they agree to pay a $10,000 for posting a negative review of the building on social media.

The Windmere Cay apartments in Winter Garden, FL, decided to go with number two, because it's the classiest. But hey, don't worry if you're thinking of signing a lease at "The Cay" (we're casual like that with each other) — each additional infraction will only cost you $5,000! That's only 5,000 one-dollar bills!

And oh, it gets worse — the social media agreement also claims that Windmere Cay owns any photos taken of or in the buildings. Meaning that if you take a photo in your apartment, they own the rights to it. That's great, because I'm constantly thinking to myself "I'm sick of owning all of these photo rights! I wish someone would just own them for me and tell me when I shouldn't post them places." So thanks, Windmere Cay.


Chance encounter.

Teen sent home from school because her red hair was "not a natural color."

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Harlot!


"Kids today, with their music and their bedazzled jeans and their slightly redder than natural hair color! Send them all home from school. Then schools will be great, with no kids. Ha ha."

Savannah Keesee lived the above dramatic reenactment when her principal sent her home from her St. Francois County school for dyeing her hair with Garnier Fructis permanent auburn. Savannah is no rebel, this dye job was mother approved and facilitated. Still, she told Fox 2 News that her principal was like, "Red hair, DO care:"

“He goes, your hair is really bright. I said, ok, he goes, you need to call your mom and have her come pick you up. So I tried to go back today and he said I couldn't stay because my hair was still the same color.”

Hey, Mr. Principal, don't you know most blondes aren't "natural" either? Would LOVE to see you try to send all those Bottle Marilyn Monroes home. I guess he was just doing his job: keeping kids from getting an education.

Someone is posting adorable Vines of owls trying on hats.

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Even an owl needs to wear many hats in today's economy.

Vine user Oh Ya has been posting videos of his delightful owl companions in various disguises. The disguises are only hats, but that's enough:

Peekaboo, I see you wanting to bite my face off!

"What...is...happening?"

It's a little undignified but at least they understand each other's pain:

"Soon, comrade. Soon we make HIM wear the hats."



Roger Federer got lobbed by a kid, because he's not that good at tennis.

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Tennis, literally anyone?

This clip comes from an exhibition event held this past Tuesday at Madison Square Garden. Roger Federer and Grigor Dimitrov put aside the normally heated rivalry between tennis pros to show the crowd a little old-fashioned razzle-dazzle. The highlight of the night came with Dimitrov handed his racket to a kid in the crowd, who proceeded to punk Federer with a beautifully executed lob. Roger laughed and seemed delighted, I assume because he knew he could have pulled off one of these babies if he'd really wanted to:


Previous exhibitions have featured such highlights as Ben Stiller being shown up by a little girl:


But can she do Blue Steel? Probably. She seems talented.

Hornets fan more interested in cell phone than basketball flying at her face.

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Priorities, people.

Yes, she gets hurt, but anyone who didn't have a note to get out of gym class has probably been whomped in the face at some point. It's a pain that fades, yet the lesson you learn is forever: PAY ATTENTION WHEN THERE ARE BALLS FLYING EVERYWHERE.

It's more annoying that she's in almost the front row of a live basketball game and looking at Seamless or something. It's like sitting next to someone in a movie theatre and they're just texting the whole time. How much did you pay to be here?!

In her defense, that ball was coming at her really fast. Everyone around is watching and they all move to intercept it, but there's no chance. That's why you gotta be ready to block, lady. With your arms. There's no app for that.

Cat reunites with dog buddy after 10 days apart and won't stop hugging him.

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Whoever said cats aren't loving never had to pry one off their neck.

Ten days is a long time for a cat and a dog to be separated. That's more than two dog months. For cats, it's more complicated. They live roughly as long as dogs, but they also have nine lives.

Judging from how clingy Jasper the cat is, he must feel like he hasn't seen Bow-Z for at least seven lifetimes. Bow-Z, to his credit, takes it in stride. I guess not much would bother you after you got used to being named Bow-Z.

This video is actually from 2012, but it was too cute to stay buried for long. Everyone on the Internet is getting back on the Jasper/Bow-Z train. Let's hope these two fur friends haven't had to spend a day apart in the last three years.

"Empire" gets the "Dynasty"-style opening credits it deserves.

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Cookie approved, probably.

If you're in the special age bracket that remembers Dynasty and has been also avidly watching Empire, you'll see the connections in this opening credit sequence designed by Vulture editor Louis Plamondon. Grand passions, soap opera twists, luxury beyond our wildest dreams.

The modern fad of brief-to-non-existent opening titles on network TV is one that should go out of style soon. There are just too many missed opportunities for catchy songs. The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt producers know that:



Getting housed.

BuzzFeed's number one article right now is just straight-up fat shaming.

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The 1 perfect example of why BuzzFeed is disgusting.


Ironically, the number 2 post is about pictures that need to be deleted from the Internet.
(via BuzzFeed)

The headline for BuzzFeed's number one article right now is "What Happened When This Woman Ordered A Dress Online Captures The Online Shopping Struggle."

If the author was being honest, he would have written, "What Happened When I Saw A Chubby Woman In A Dress And Decided To Exploit Her For Traffic."

The article, which is basically just comparison photos of a professional model from major Chinese online market, TaoBao, and a woman who made a purchase from the site, posits the assumption that, just because she doesn't look like the model, her shopping mission was a failure.

Author writes, "when the dress finally came, it wasn't exactly as advertised." But it was. The only thing different here is the person in the dress.


Same dress from the front. (via BuzzFeed/TaoBao)


Same dress from the back. (via BuzzFeed/TaoBao)

True, she doesn't look like the model or, as the author points out, glamorous movie star Jamie Alexander from the Thor premier, but this isn't an online shopping struggle for the simple fact that THE WOMAN IS HAPPY WITH THE DRESS.

That's why she uploaded photos of herself wearing the dress, and even wrote in the comments that the "quality is very good," and that she thinks the dress is "very sexy."


This dress is her "baby." Babies are not shopping fails. (via TaoBao)

Hell, as of this posting, 76 people found her comment to be "helpful." This is not a story of a woman struggling, this is one of a woman succeeding.

The only person struggling here is Moreno, who cannot understand how a woman who doesn't look like a model could be pleased with her purchase.

In his post, he writes, "She seems to like it, but needless to say, this dress perfectly captures the pitfalls on online shopping."

Nope nope nope. The only pitfalls here is of a writer so desperate for web traffic that he is willing to shame a happy woman.

This is a surprising move from a website that, in every job posting they have, under "requirements" they have put in all capital letters "NO HATERS."

It's possible that BuzzFeed was putting pressure on writers to find the next #TheDress story (remember last week when everyone lost their shit over a dress that people perceived two different ways?), and in a sense, they did. Some people see this as a story about online shopping failures, and others see it as a story about laughing at a woman in a dress.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 12, 2015

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1. Homosexuals, Homophobes Come To Historic Accord In Utah

The GOP-controlled Utah state congress passed a piece of legislation that been backed by both gay and Mormon leaders (also probably some closeted gay Mormon leaders). "The Utah compromise," as it's being called, prohibits employment and housing discrimination against gay people and women in pretty much all cases except when it comes to the Mormon Church, which will retain the right to continue its proud tradition of bigotry and suppression.


2. The Ferguson Debacle Almost Impossibly Gets Worse

Just when you thought that news stories about Ferguson couldn't possibly get more depressing, Missouri police are currently conducting a manhunt for suspects in the shootings of two police officers last night during a protest rally that sprung up following the resignation of Ferguson's police chief.


3. Republicans Shocked To Find People Had A Problem With Their Semi-Treasonous Letter Stunt

Some of the 47 U.S. Senate Republicans who signed a controversial letter to Iran, seeking to undermine nuclear negotiations between the two countries, were reportedly surprised that the public didn't think this was a really cool idea. "I think we probably should have had more discussion about it, given the blowback that there is," Sen. John "Country First" McCain told reporters. Meanwhile, Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khamenei praised the missive as a sign of "the collapse of political ethics and the US system's internal disintegration." So, it's not completely without its fans.


4. Powdered Alcohol Is Back To Send Us All To The E.R.

Palcohol—alcohol that is available to consumers in powdered form for ease of accidental poisoning—has been once again approved for sale by the U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. This is a great day for American commerce and terrible day for humanity as a whole.


5. Vladimir Putin's Insane Behavior Lands Great Acting Gig For Taxi Driver

Struggling actor/New York City cab driver Alexander Sokovikov credits the unhinged antics of Russian President Vladimir Putin for the role he landed on the popular absurdist political drama House of Cards. "If you talk about luck, I was lucky to be in New York when Putin started acting like a dumb fuck... when they were looking for people to pass for Russian," explains the actor who plays a Russian ambassador who, for reasons that are too silly to get into here, gets to watch the First Lady urinating.

In and out.

British fantasy author Sir Terry Pratchett dead at 66. To all his fans: "Ook."

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Don't worry about him. He was good friends with Death.


I ATEN'T DEAD(Getty)

Fans around the world are mourning the untimely death this morning of Sir Terry Pratchett, OBE. Pratchett was the author of more than 40 satirical fantasy novels, most of them part of his beloved Discworld series.

Since the first Discworld novel, The Colour of Magic, was published in 1983, the books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and have sold many millions of copies. In the UK, only J.K. Rowling sells more per year. The books are marked by Pratchett's writing style, which combined an incisive wit with a powerful imagination, and used the tropes of fantasy literature to satirize the real world in a devastating way.

If that description sounded too blurby to you, just try reading one. They're crazy funny. In addition to Discworld, Pratchett is well-loved for the novel Good Omens, a collaboration with Neil Gaiman about the biblical apocalypse. That's just as funny.

In 2007, Pratchett was diagnosed with Posterior Cortical Atrophy, a degenerative form of dementia that is still poorly understood, although it may be related to Alzheimer's. After his diagnosis, Pratchett became an outspoken advocate for assisted suicide (although he disliked the term), stating repeatedly that he would choose to end his life with dignity before his disease reached a critical point. His family has not disclosed the manner of his death, but it doesn't really matter. The announcement was made on his Twitter account in classic Pratchett fashion:

Pratchett was an inspiration to countless writers of both fantasy and comedy (including myself) and the best tribute we can do is to make sure his books are read for many years to come. The second best tribute is sharing this video of him telling a dirty joke:


Update: Pratchett's longtime friend and collaborator Neil Gaiman has weighed in with these moving tweets:

Very attractive lady Lindsay Lohan decided to (poorly) Photoshop her butt for some reason.

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The cultural obsession with butts has fall-out.


Can't stop looking, but for the wrong reasons.(via Defamer)

There should be a celebrity boot camp for actual celebrities that just teaches basic Photoshop skills and how to count to ten before tweeting. Almost every celebrity photo you see in magazines is Photoshopped. We know that. What we pretend not to know is that every Instagram post is Photoshopped, too. It's just more fun to think we're getting candid glimpses into the life of our favorite TV/Music/Movie/Sports stars. They're just like us!

Then somebody lets an incompetent assistant or some crappy app do the work, and the illusion is destroyed. Thanks, Lindsay Lohan, for making me admit I will never know what your butt looks like in real life. It's probably amazing, you're a beautiful lady! Leave your butt alone or fool me better, please.

9 even more unnecessary all-male movie reboots besides 'Ghostbusters.'

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#YesAllMaleMovies

Before the digital ink dried on the press release for the upcoming all-female reboot of Ghostbusters, men's rights activists demanded Hollywood right this injustice. Seriously, have you seen Ghostbusters? These are ghosts, akin in spookiness to spiders. Have you ever seen a woman around a spider? That's just what we need—two hours of women shrieking, “Oh no! That Slimer ghost just slimed my Manolo Blahniks!" Thankfully, Sony Pictures stepped up to the plate (the baseball plate, not the softball plate) and announced an all-male reboot of the all-female reboot of the bro classic Ghostbusters.

But they're not stopping there—we've obtained an exclusive look at Hollywood execs' upcoming slate of all-male remakes that will undoubtedly settle once and for all the battle of the sexes:

Original film: 9 to 5

Executive's Pitch: "We get Seth Rogen and James Franco, and even though they are high all the time and completely incompetent, they're killing it in whatever dumb business they're in, because they're likable and know the names of lots of old movies."

Original Film: Steel Magnolias

Executive's Pitch: "We take the exact same weepy script from the Sally Field cryfest but we get Adam Sandler and the rest of the Grown Ups gang back together and they do it in frilly dresses. Buy stock in money printing machines."

Original Film: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Executive's Pitch: "We get rom-com era Matthew McCounaghey back, not this post-True Detective, Oscar-winner weirdo McCounaghey, and he has sex with like a real hot lady but he's able to ditch her in time to get back down to the bar for celebratory high fives from McLovin and Romany Malco."

Original Film: Beauty Shop

Executive's Pitch: "It's basically the first Barbershop, but we call it Hair Cut Place so we don't get sued."

Original Film: The Devil Wears Prada

Executive's Pitch: "So there's like this really cool guy who's got a great job as the editor of Maxim Magazine and he's always having sex with these unbelievably hot women. Then he meets Anne Hathaway and has sex with her too."

Original Film: Mean Girls

Executive's Pitch: "There's a group of boys in a high school that are really mean to everyone. They have like these killer, hilarious insults and are always doing hilarious stuff like stuffing nerds in lockers and stuff. Then after a pep talk from Morgan Freeman, the nerds fights back and there are some brutal Raid: The Redemption-style fights that are just brutal. Brutal."

Original Film: The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants

Executive's Pitch: "A group of three diverse white teenaged boys (lower upper middle class, upper middle class, and lower upper middle class) and one minority (poor) boy find a magical pair of Air Jordans that give them all the ability to do sick dunks. Each kid gets a long montage of just the sickest dunks, and then they all get a different, economically appropriate hot girlfriend."

Original Film: The Notebook

Executive's Pitch: "Studies show the most popular aphrodisiac in Western countries is Ryan Gosling. I don't want to mess with that. This is the same Notebook, except we cut in some Gosling scenes from Saving Private Ryan and that scene of Gosling in the elevator with the hammer from Drive. It's not gay if Ryan Gosling has sex with himself, right? Prepare for a new baby boom nine months after this one gets made!"

Original Film: Bridesmaids

Executive's Pitch: "It's literally The Hangover."

(Written by Sean Sullivan, designed by Cole Mitchell)


Will Ferrell is playing all 9 positions in 5 different MLB games today for charity.

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He's kind of a big deal.

The Cactus League is a spring training tradition for Major League Baseball. This year, fifteen teams are holding their practice games in the Phoenix area, and today, five of them will be featuring the same rookie player: 47-year-old, 115-pound* Will Ferrell. Ferrell will alternate positions until he eventually plays all nine, and is taking a helicopter between games to make sure he fits them all in. In addition to the Diamondbacks (as seen above), he's already suited up for Oakland, telling reporters he was in "beast mode."

In case you thought this was just a Ferrell-style stunt for laughs, that's only part of it. He's also using the event to raise money for cancer awareness. All of his gear used in the five games will be auctioned off for that cause. Let's hope some of the billion Anchorman fans out there are super rich and bid high for it.

This isn't actually the first time Ferrell has taken the mound. In 2010, he pitched for a Triple-A team, the Round Rock Express in Texas, under the name "Rojo Johnson." That didn't end so well, though.

Let's hope he does a better job of controlling his anger this time. Who has the energy to get in five brawls anyway? Oh wait, Will Ferrell does.

*Really?

Scary reality.

The 'Game of Thrones' cast tries (with varying success) to sum up the show in 30 seconds.

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Death, death, sex, death.

Season 5 starts in one month, so Game of Thrones fans around the world are working on catching back up with the byzantine plot of Seasons 1-4. But what about the cast? Surely, they must understand the trajectory of the show so well that they could all sum it up in a sentence or two, right? RIGHT? Well, it turns out that even the people behind our favorite characters have trouble turning the two-continent fantasy opera into a snappy phrase. I hope George R. R. Martin is at least a little bit faster than this, or the odds of ever seeing season 7 are pretty low.

Are you catching up on Game of Thrones? Check out or in-depth episode recaps: "If Game of Thrones took place entirely on Facebook."

"Firefly" fans rejoice: Alan Tudyk and Nathan Fillion are making their own series about Sci-Fi conventions.

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Shiny.

For a show that has been off the air for 13 years and only lasted 14 episodes, Firefly has a very dedicated fan base. Intense, you might even say. Or insane.

If you don't believe me, take this example: a running conceit in the show is that all of the characters speak Chinese, due to the show's complicated backstory envisioned by Joss Whedon. And today, 1.2 billion people around the world speak Chinese. Coincidence? No way.

Anyway, all 1.2 billion Firefly fans around the world will be happy to hear this news: Alan Tudyk is creating his own comedy series called Con Man, based on his own life as the former star of a cult classic show, and set in the world of science fiction conventions. The show will also star Captain Reynolds himself, Nathan Fillion, and feature appearances by other Firefly co-stars and beloved actors from elsewhere within the world of sci-fi.

Understandably jaded by network television, Tudyk has launched an Indiegogo campaign to fund the project, and is hoping to raise $425,000 to get it off the ground. You can head there now to contribute, but first you should know that as of the time I'm writing this, he's raised more than $1.2 million. That's still only $1 for every thousand Firefly fans, though, so just imagine how much more could come in. Let's all do our part to make this the highest-budget entertainment project of all time. Take that, Pirates of the Caribbean!

Heartwarming story about man leaving big tip in brother's memory ruined by clearly hungry reporter.

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Waitress moved by generous tip on "half pound of premium Black Angus beef, seasoned with a special spicy blend."

This story will make your mouth and eyes water. (via ABC News/Facebook)

A few days ago, Claire Hudson, a 25-year-old waitress at Mac's Grub Shak in Tennessee, received a surprising tip. A customer had ordered hot dogs and beers that totaled under $30, but he tipped $36.

She was confused, but when she saw the note he left on the back of the receipt, she burst into tears:


(via redditor Surprise_Me_With_PMs)

The customer had wanted to honor his brother Wes by tipping what would have been his age.

It's a little bit sad and a little bit sweet (what we call "heartwarming" in the biz), but the Daily Mailweirdly seemed to think the main thing its readers would want to know is what the guy ate for dinner:


Yum?(via Daily Mail)

They even went to the trouble of digitally enhancing the photo to decipher the contents of the grieving man's stomach.


Jinkies!(via Daily Mail)


Now we know, Daily Mail. Now we know.(via Daily Mail)

Um, thanks for letting us know, guys. That really sets the scene.

The restaurant has now reached out to the customer to try to set up a new menu item in memory of Wes, using his favorite hot dog toppings.

We look forward to reading all the mouthwatering details. Now go take a lunch break, Daily Mail reporter!

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