It's easy to boycott a brand you can't afford.

I think they're going to be okay financially. (Getty)

Good morning! It's a brand new day, which means it's time for a brand new boycott.

Today, we're boycotting Dolce & Gabbana. This should be pretty easy for most of us (god, remember when it was Barilla? So hard!), so let's jump right in!

Who we're boycotting: Italian designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana.

In an interview with an Italian magazine, the two men made disparaging comments about in vitro fertilization.

Dolce said, "You are born to a mother and a father. Or at least that's how it should be." He added, "I call children of chemistry, synthetic children. Rented wombs, semen chosen from a catalog."

Gabbana also weighed in, saying: "The family is not a fad. In it there is a supernatural sense of belonging."

I don't agree with what they said, but anyone who knows me will understand that I simply must continue to wear Dolce & Gabbana.

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) March 15, 2015

Why we're boycotting: That's some bullshit.

Lots of wonderful families—with parents both gay and straight—have been created through IVF.

Sure, it sounds dramatic and dystopian to talk about "rented wombs" and "semen chosen from a catalog" but you can make anything sound terrifying if you talk about it in sci-fi terms like that. Think about getting pregnant by having sex—"thousands of wiggling sperm stampede toward a single egg"—so terrifying! So wrong!

Gay designers Dolce & Gabbana say same-sex parenting is not normal. 300 dollars for a tee shirt totally fine though.

— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) March 16, 2015

Dolce and Gabbana, who are both gay and used to be a couple, also do not support gay marriage or children being raised by gay couples.

Who else is on our team: Sir Elton John and basically all of Hollywood.

Actually, Elton John started this whole thing, by issuing a statement on his Instagram:

How dare you refer to my beautiful children as "synthetic". And shame on you for wagging your judgemental little fingers at IVF - a miracle that has allowed legions of loving people, both straight and gay, to fulfil their dream of having children. Your archaic thinking is out of step with the times, just like your fashions. I shall never wear Dolce and Gabbana ever again. #BoycottDolceGabbana

A photo posted by Elton John (@eltonjohn) on Mar 14, 2015 at 10:29pm PDT

I shall never wear Dolce and Gabbana ever again either! Mostly because I'm horribly offended by their outmoded thinking, but also because I couldn't even afford a sock.

Elton John has two children via surrogate with his husband David Furnish.

Ricky Martin is also on our team, y'all! And he has discovered you can spell words with numbers.

.@dolcegabbana ur voices R 2powerfull 2B spreading so much h8 http://t.co/30Oe2hcxNt Wake up,Its 2015 Luv urselves guys #boycottdolcegabbana

— Ricky Martin (@ricky_martin) March 15, 2015

The hashtag #BoycottDolceGabbana took off, and soon Gabbana responded on Instagram by inappropriately comparing himself to Charlie Hebdo:

A photo posted by stefanogabbana (@stefanogabbana) on Mar 15, 2015 at 9:41am PDT

When will this boycott end? Never!

Dolce and Gabbana already issued a statement saying their comments were misunderstood and that they didn't mean to judge others, and Sir Elton hasn't backed down, so we aren't either! This is a pretty easy boycott to maintain, so we're in it for the long haul.

Stay tuned for more updates as this important boycott develops.

Tell kids this: please, please, please, do something else with your college experience.

There are parties with better themes than "racism" out there. (via Onward State)

So many people who rush fraternities and sororities say they do it for the community, but we need to take the life blood pulsing into these campus plantar's warts, and pump it into things decent human beings can do. Things that don't encourage you to completely conform to arbitrary standards of beauty, destroy public property, or engage in both casual and malevolent racism.

If you're a youngster heading out to the wilds of university, or someone older with a kid under your wing, here are some options for making new friends and enjoying campus life. Let them serve as inspiration to incoming freshmeat—uhh, freshmen. There are friends to be made and life to be lived in all sorts of places.

1. Join an improv team.

You, too, could spend holidays explaining the difference between stand-up and improv to your grandparents. (via College Improv Tournament)

Improv is, and has been, the rage from coast to coast for awhile now. A lot of successful comedians spring up from improv training centers in cities across America, but more importantly a lot of quiet nerds come out of their shells after playing Zip Zap Zop and Hot Spot together. Even if you're planning on a serious career of actually making money, a college improv troupe will open you up to friends, laughs, and potentially some cute Facebook cover photos.

2. Learn a new language.

Don't let it turn you into a mime, though.(via Getty)

Obviously, you can take a class to learn a new language. There's probably even some requirement that insists you do! But what we don't think about when we're ignoring our French homework is the sexy semester abroad we'll be spending along the Seine. Or the meet-ups hosted on and off campus for Francophiles. A great way to cover up the awkwardness of making conversation with a new acquaintance is doing it in a language you're both terrible at. Choose any language you like of course, bien sur.

3. Volunteer.

Painting can be really fun, ask Tom Sawyer.(via CBS 4)

Hey, want to meet a bunch of decent human beings who give a sh*t about the world? Try masquerading as one and volunteer!

4. Do a scavenger hunt.

One of the biggest scavenger hunts in the world is at University of Chicago, and it may be an annual event but the effort of planning and executing it can take all year. That means meetings, hang outs and a lot of email traffic to make you feel needed and important. Scavenger hunts are popular at schools all over America, and heck, if yours doesn't have one, start it up. You won't be the only one searching for something to do.

5. Run for student office

You'll be somewhere on the chain of command for Presidency, kind of. Maybe. Not really.(via Getty)

Student government in college is less of a popularity contest than it was in high school. You also can do more for your fellow students than a crappy bake sale. A student body president can have real influence on school policies and you're also more likely to shake hands with important commencement speakers.

6. Ultimate frisbee exists.

A frisbee is a gift that keeps on giving.(via Reddit)

Great thing about ultimate frisbee is that you don't have to be on an athletic scholarship to play. Yes, there are highly organized matches available, but show up to the quad with a frisbee and you'll be like nectar to bees. Bees are sweaty guys who aren't coordinated enough for hacky sack.

7. Become an RA...eventually.

NOW who's the freshmeat?(via Reddit)

The thing about college is, it goes by pretty fast. Soon, you'll be at the end of your time there and maybe even a mentor to the next generation of wide-eyed freshmen. Take advantage of that and pull your dorm together by abusing your power.

8. Remember there's a world outside of college.

Luckily, that hat goes with everything.(via Getty)

Sororities and fraternities can connect you with all the things listed above, but do you really want some bloated, costly, obsolete middleman mediating your whole college experience? We become the people we are by associating with the kind of people we want to be. If you can't find those people on campus, remember there's a whole world outside of those ivied walls and a whole life to live after those four years.

And if all this stuff is too wholesome for you and what you really want to do is get black-out drunk and grind on the dance floor, you don't need the Greek system. You still have the rest of your twenties to make those kinds of mistakes.

You can put a price tag on love, and it's $300.

Enjoy Miami, at least one of you!(via GoFundMe)

Remember when crowdsourcing was used for noble causes, like paying for an Uber, or making a fake baby to smuggle booze in, or potato salad? It seems like those days are done. Now it's only used to string along a relationship with serious trust issues.

25-year-old Azel Prather Jr. of Glendarden, MD was worried about his girlfriend Marissa going to spring break. The 22-year-old had booked a flight with a few of her girlfriends, but Prather was out of money and couldn't tag along. It's still not clear if he was invited. He wanted to be there, however, to make sure none of that Florida fun and sun threatened his relationship. As he said on his page: "If you know anything about Miami, you know that she shouldn't go without a chaperone."

You see? Chivalry isn't dead.

It's easy to understand where Prather is coming from. Miami is a crazy place. You never know when some muscular lothario will come up to your girl on the beach and seduce her with promises to not spy on her constantly or put her picture on a website where he asks strangers for money to prevent her from cheating on him.

For a few days, it looked like this would be another lost case, until the story was picked up by the Washington Post, and the true romantics of the world came forward. Then Prather posted this triumphant picture on his Instagram:

Somebody tell boo I see her in the morning
A photo posted by Hail Zel (@hail_zel) on Mar 14, 2015 at 9:01pm PDT

Or better yet, don't tell boo. The two caught up in Miami, as you can see.

Mission Accomplished! I'm her friend! This OUR spring break! What WE goin do today?!!! Appreciate yall again! I swear Yall comments get me weak! This one for the fellas who at home while they Youngin down here on the back of a random scooter. Aint no scooter for her. I do the scootin round here champ! Ima keep yall updated! You gotta do what you gotta do for love man
A video posted by Hail Zel (@hail_zel) on Mar 15, 2015 at 10:26am PDT

I think these kids will be just fine. Now they're back home, and just this morning, Prather posted this followup:

Listen man! I witnessed what it is out there. I can't see why Yall mad at me... You ever loved someone?!?! Go get yours! I'm back home now and so is she . And WE had an awesome time. Fellas I'm tryna teach yall, and ladies I want Yall to learn as well! If you need some relationship advice don't be scared to ask Zel. It works
A video posted by Hail Zel (@hail_zel) on Mar 16, 2015 at 7:53am PDT

In response to his critic, Prather has maintained that the whole gofundme campaign was a joke. It's just the kind of joke where you keep the money and actually go through with all the creepy details. He really committed to the bit! He's a modern-day Andy Kaufman. In fact, you can still donate if you want to. Maybe if he keeps making money, he can install cameras in her apartment.

Paranoid, controlling behavior like this is nothing new, but thanks to the Internet, now it's carried out in public for all the world to see. We can only hope that Marissa reads what Prather's haters have been saying, and it rubs off. If she dumped him over this, imagine how much money he'd have to raise to get her back.

March Are-You-Effing-Kidding-Me-ness

It's March, so let's get mad. The annual 64-team NCAA basketball tournament is a notorious destroyer of American wealth in terms of millions of lost productivity hours at work and more millions in gambling, but all of that is by choice on the parts of everyone watching. That's fine.

See more: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

What's not fine is the separation of the mountain of wealth generated for colleges, coaches, and corporations from the student athletes who create it. Students who sometimes go hungry, have a snowball's chance in hell of going pro, and (as John Oliver explains in the video) get stripped of scholarships for being taken out to an "inappropriate" sympathy lunch with their coach when their parents die.

See more: "The Six Types of People in Every March Madness Pool"

If the counter-argument is that they are paid in education, that was set to rest last year when it was exposed that schools like UNC funnel athletes through fictional "paper classes" that hand out "A" grades for about 30 minutes of work per semester. In an extra-offensive twist, those were largely in African-American Studies—because what outside observer would question largely African-American students taking those classes? Why do that? It's not because these are all idiots, it's because they work like professionals, and full-time professionals rarely have time to simultaneously pursue a full-time undergraduate education while graduating in the time mandated by NCAA rules.

But anyway, happy Madness, everyone. I was born on the day Villanova upset the world by beating Patrick Ewing's Georgetown in '85, so I'm betting on Nova. Not to be the first to pay students, of course. Just to win.

Music never looked so good.

A big part of sign language is conveying emotion via facial expression. So it makes sense that signing a song requires even more physical communication to portray the feeling, beat and overall spirit of a piece of music. And there's no song that's more catchy and fun than a Eurovision Song Contest song.

All of which resulted in the most thrilling performance ever by Tommy Krångh, a sign language interpreter for the final round of the Swedish Eurovision competition, on Saturday night.

Something about Krångh's commitment to his job, combined with his refined glasses-and-bowtie combo, is more fun to watch than any Eurovision song ever was, and the video quickly went viral. Can a signed song get stuck in your head?

1. Accused Killer Forgets To Not Confess To Murder While Filming Documentary He Requested

Robert Durst—the millionaire murder suspect who approached documentarian Andrew Jarecki with a desire to tell his side of the story concerning a series of murders he was accused of several decades ago—kind of sorta confessed while wearing a live mic and talking to himself in a bathroom after filming. "What the hell did I do? Killed them all, of course," he was recorded saying to himself as creepily as you can imagine. The recording was aired on the mini-series finale of HBO's The Jinx just a day after he was arrested on homicide charges in New Orleans. Needles to say, he's seen better weekends.

Durst went full Gollum in the bathroom.
— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) March 16, 2015

Oh, if only Robert Durst had taken the hard lessons of NAKED GUN to heart he'd never be in this mess! #thejinx
— Nathan Rabin (@nathanrabin) March 16, 2015

2. Canadian-Born Ted Cruz Eligible To Lose Republican Primary

Sen. Ted Cruz—who was born on Canadian soil in 1970 and held dual citizenship until last year—is in fact eligible to make a fool of himself trying to out-conservative other Republicans in the 2016 GOP presidential primaries, according to two former Justice Department lawyers. "Despite the happenstance of a birth across the border, there is no question that Senator Cruz has been a citizen from birth and is thus a 'natural born citizen' within the meaning of the Constitution," Neal Katyal and Paul Clement wrote in an article for the Harvard Law Review.

I don't think Ted Cruz is from Canada, I've never heard him apologize once.
— Soap Box Liberal (@GPappalardo) April 29, 2014

3. Obama Diminishes The Office Of The Presidency By Joking About Diminishing The Office Of The Presidency

Barack Obama once again made a mockery of his position as President of the United States by joking about a letter that Senate Republicans sent to Iran in a serious, patriotic attempt to undermine nuclear negotiations between the two nations. "You don't diminish your office by taking a selfie. You do it by sending a poorly written letter to Iran. Really. That wasn't a joke," the President said at the annual Gridiron Club dinner in Washington, D.C. over the weekend.

Dear Iran, Obama is not our real dad! Sincerely, The GOP
— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) March 10, 2015

4. Kanye West To Start Complaining That People Don't Call Him 'Dr. Kanye West'

Kanye West—a "gifted artist since age five," according Kanye West—will apparently be receiving an honorary doctorate from the Art Institute of Chicago. So, expect some angry onstage rants about how everyone in the media is disrespecting him by leaving the "Doctor" off his name any time now.

I bet even Kanye West occasionally looks in the mirror and thinks "That was kind of silly, what I just did."
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) February 17, 2015

5. 'Walking Dead' Spinoff To Broaden The Horizons Of How Black Characters Get Eaten By Zombies

Walking Dead creator Robert Kirkman opened up about the zombie apocalypse show's upcoming spinoff at SXSW this weekend, explaining that while the new show will begin as a prequel, representing the early days of how zombies killed off black characters, it will eventually catch up with the current timeline in order to show how zombies continue to kill off black characters [SPOILERS] in a different part of the nation.

Someone on Reddit said the Walking Dead spinoff should have an all-black cast so you're not sure who's going to die next.
— Ferris (@dxferris) March 16, 2015

AND THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

Senator Ted Cruz, a member of the most prestigious lawmaking body on the planet, was in New Hampshire this weekend trying to scare (mostly) senior citizens about how Obama and his healthcare program are destroying American values and goodness. In the process, he accidentally scared the daylights out of a 3-year-old girl who hadn't yet developed the mental capacity to distinguish metaphor from reality.

If a little girl thinks the world is actually on fire, Ted Cruz isn't going to clarify that for her, because she should be scared, dammit. She should be very scared, and Ted Cruz isn't going to use his inside voice just because he's inside and he's bringing little girls to the verge of tears. Senator Ted Cruz is going to tell those little girls how it f***ing is, dammit. So what if this girl will probably grow up to be a terrified individual who believes the entire world is out to get her and that only strong angry men willing to stand up to Barack Obama can save her? That's kind of literally the idea.

Ok, fine, so he dials it down (a little bit) after that. Here's the full video, the hilarity happens at the 0:35 mark:

As far as metaphors for political scaremongering go, it doesn't get much better than that.

The funniest joke of the night was that he has a career.

Why couldn't it be a literal roast?(Getty)

Comedy Central taped its Roast of Justin Bieber over the weekend. The dais was star-studded this year, featuring emcee Kevin Hart, as well as Hannibal Burress, Martha Stewart, Snoop Dogg, Chris D'Elia, Shaquille O'Neal, Natasha Legerro, Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, and more. They even managed to book Jeff Ross! The full event won't air until March 30, but in the meantime, here's a collection of some of the best jokes of the night. They're presented in text form, so you can enjoy them without having to look at Bieber's face for even a minute. You're welcome.

"Bieber has 10 million fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one." –Kevin Hart

(Getty)

"This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs." –Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy

"Chris D'Elia is here. He's Justin's favorite comedian. Wow. What an endorsement. That's like being Shaq's favorite poet." –Jeffrey Ross

"All these rappers on stage and Martha stewart has done the most jail time." –Natasha Legerro

"Justin wants to be black so bad he's actually seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters." –Ludacris

(Getty)

“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man. I'm just here because it's a real good opportunity for me." –Hannibal Buress

“Congratulations, Hannibal Buress. You are only the Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him." –Snoop Dogg

"Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men now." –Jeff Ross

"Jeff Ross, you're the only person on this dais making 95 percent of your yearly income tonight." – Hannibal Buress

(Getty)

“Justin, as a father of six, you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn't rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people." –Shaquille O'Neal

"Justin, you have no idea what you're in for. I'm sure it's great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower." –Martha Stewart

"What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours." –Justin Bieber

It never gets old.

Every comedian dreams of audience members like this baby. Not only does she find the crunch of her mom biting into a tortilla chip hilarious, she laughs just as hard every time. Talk about an evergreen bit! We need to get this kid into more studio audiences.

"You are very Clever. You have passed my test."

Wouldn't you rather just pretend I'm your girlfriend? (via Adweek)

You have a limited number of likes on Tinder now, so how would you prefer to be lied to? Would you like a real person who has put up some misleading photos, or would you prefer advertisers from an upcoming sci-fi film to let you believe a beautiful woman is interested in you for five minutes?

If you picked the latter, get your desperately lonely or horny self over to SXSW ASAP so you can be connected with Ava, the main character from the upcoming sci-fi film ExMachina, and she will make you feel special with some intriguing conversation before she redirects you to ads for her movie..

According to Adweek, thousands of people are finding—to their unbelievable luck— this profile on Tinder:

The trap is set. (via Adweek)

Only, she isn't just some rando looking for a little no-strings fun at Southby, she is Swedish movie star Alicia Vikander.

Heartbreaker, ya? (via IMDB)

... and the conversation she is offering is just coming from a bot.

As you go back through the text, she is clearly a female Data from Star Trek. (via Adweek)

She sends them to her Instagram account, which is an advertising platform for ExMachina, in which Vikander plays the starring role as an Artificial Intelligence.

A video posted by AVA (@meetava) on Mar 12, 2015 at 2:52pm PDT

The movie just happened to be premiering at SXWY that Saturday night.

Pretty slick marketing campaign, so long as you don't have feelings or hope. One of the people targeted who sent his convo to friends at Adweektold them the bot "toyed with my emotions so hard."

Don't worry, friend, I'm sure you'll find another girl on Tinder who is an acutal human being just waiting to break your heart for real.

That is one fly bird.

As if you needed more proof that old-school hip hop is the shit, just take a look at Gotcha the cockatoo here. He loves Tone Lōc's 1988 hit "Wild Thing" so much, he doesn't just bob his head to it, he bobs his whole body. The only thing that would make this video better is if he had a tiny chain around his neck. That would make it much better, though.

SWISH!!!! Why is this happening???

Kanye West took to Twitter today to congratulate himself on wife Kim Kardashian being pretty, and to write "SWISH!!!" a bunch of times in all caps. Why?

We have no idea! BUT WE LOVE IT. Hooray for (increasingly NSFW) naked Kim Kardashian!

I'M SO LUCKY pic.twitter.com/8rB3T0Hl6b
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

CONGRATS BABY ON 30 MILLION TWITTER FOLLOWERS pic.twitter.com/ev1g3MXxhG
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

CONGRATS BABY ON THE SHOW PREMIERE LAST NIGHT pic.twitter.com/wDrVgwnqZj
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

I'M SO LUCKY pic.twitter.com/NyN0w5QCyB
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

SWISH!!!! pic.twitter.com/qEyDXcN8Xj
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

SWISH!!! pic.twitter.com/phxpNGOb69
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

SWISH!!! pic.twitter.com/QhEdqRIjb4
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

SWISH!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/07ZjyPi2dh
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) March 16, 2015

Swish, indeed.

Get this woman a lobster tail, stat!

Being sick sucks enough when you only have to take care of yourself. You can just turn into a foul-smelling puddle on the couch and wait until your will to live returns. But when you're a parent, that's probably not an option. Regardless of how garbage-y you feel, you've got to get up, zombie-walk yourself into the kitchen, and try to keep your children from going ferrel.

That is, unless you're lucky enough to be the mother of the kid, who brought this note to a friend's house to give to the friend's parents:

"If you happen to be going to the florist/fish market anyway..."(via)

A lesser kid would have simply gone for imitation crab and some wine coolers. But if you're really wanna take care of your mom, you've got to go the extra mile.