He's got moves that don't involve clotheslining someone.

#LipSyncBattle OF ALL Lip Sync Battles... Channelin' my inner @taylorswift And comin' to take the title from @jimmyfallon #IJustShakeItOffBaby #RockVsFallon #Spike APRIL 2nd.
A video posted by therock (@therock) on Mar 15, 2015 at 3:10pm PDT

Wow, those Jimmy Fallon lip-syncing challenges have taken on a life of their own. We'll soon have the full length version of this incredible T. Swift rendition on LL Cool J's Lip Synch Battle. Not sure why this keeps being fun to watch, but it is!

Still gorgeous, though.

Rowr.(via Instagram)

Azealia Banks is so talented, and she's not wrong when she talks about the way music made by black artists is often ignored or put on the back burner while white artists who appropriate black culture are drowned in money and accolades. But then she says some crazy stuff, for example how she can call people f*ggot because she's bisexual, and I'm all like the cat in this photo:

LOL, wut?! (via Playboy)

In her Playboy interview she does not shy away from how she really feels, saying:

I hate everything about this country. Like, I hate fat white Americans. All the people who are crunched into the middle of America, the real fat and meat of America, are these racist conservative white people who live on their farms. Those little teenage girls who work at Kmart and have a racist grandma—that's really America.

What are you DOING? It's not crazy to think America is full of racist white people, but this is not speaking truth to power, it's making a broad generalization in a porno mag. If you want to get your MUSIC CAREER going, play the game a little bit, please! Unless the game is making sure you're notorious for turning off people who might buy your album and never putting out any music.

Sparking controversy might be what fills Ms. Banks' coffers at this point, but that seems like a shame when she could be making something great instead:

A lot of household arguments are about to be settled.

The world owes a debt of gratitude to engineer and tech writer Owen Williams. He uncovered Seth Wheeler's original 1891 patent application for perforated toilet paper, tweeted it, and in so doing, finally settled the disagreement on how it is supposed to hang. Toilet paper drum roll, please…

The patent for toilet paper should settle the over vs under debate pic.twitter.com/arZl6l6ALn
— Owen Williams (@ow) March 17, 2015

There you have it. Overhand it is. As though there was ever any doubt. Underhand makes no sense. You really want to reach beneath the roll to grab the paper right before you reach beneath yourself? That's too much arm extension; you're liable to sprain something. Overhand just works better in every way. If you need more proof, here's another image from Google's patent database:

We need to bring back the holder with the little hands on it.(via Google)

It's crazy to think that barely 100 years ago, no one had ever thought of perforating the sheets on toilet paper. Back then, everyone was tearing it with two hands, willy-nilly. Then again, we've all done that in the past, when we were too drunk to find the dots. Speaking of which, happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!

I love when iconic heroes say "ass."

Pretty sure the Druids dragged these rocks just for this photo op. (via Twitter)

Buzz Aldrin may have been the second person to make one giant leap for mankind*, but now he is encouraging mankind to take an even bigger leap: Get Your Ass To Mars.

In the photo, Balzin' Buzz strikes a Superman pose and stares off into the heavens, where he can definitely not see Mars because it is still daylight out. But still... space!

Let's set aside the fact that a Mars missions is pretty much a death sentence, and focus on the fact that we haven't landed on something cool since the '70's and it would be really, really great if you got your ass to Mars.

While at @EH_Stonehenge yesterday I decided to send a message to the cosmos. #GYATM (Photo by James O.Davies) pic.twitter.com/ra5Y2OsSPB
— Buzz Aldrin (@TheRealBuzz) March 16, 2015

He posted this picture of himself at Stonehenge, which some have argued was constructed by aliens, and thusly, it is an appropriate place to tell some young whipper-snappers (and "the cosmos" in general) to get their effing ass onto a massive orbiting body pronto.

Get your ass to Mars, and someday you could hang out with Tina Fey and face in the direction of that stupid red ball yelling, "I own you!"

*Did he really walk on the moon? Yes. So just shut up and get your ass to Mars.

This summer, ditch your beer and grab some good bacteria to slather on yourself.

The good news is that there are certain things you can avoid to lower your risk of being bitten by airborne bloodsuckers this summer. These things include a.) being pregnant, b.) being large (and presumably in charge), c.) having Type O blood, and d.) beer. All of these things boost your CO2 output, which is what lures those malaria-carriers to your skin. Showering will help, since day-old sweat smells great to mosquitoes, but unfortunately a lot of your attractiveness to mosquitoes comes from your genes, your blood type, and the microbial biome of bacteria covering your skin. I don't know where they sell those. In conclusion, I'm still glad winter's over, and I love DEET.

BEHIND YOU!

These kitties even produce their own nerve-wracking soundtrack: a deep ominous growl. There is a split second at the end where you can see the cat in the cabinet's face, and he looks as freaked out as his victim. Hey, we all saw you planning and executing that surprise attack, don't play. Or do, it's very cute.

Kids these days and their fake marijuana leaves, amirite?

Is this real weed? I dunno. It's from a stock photo, so... probably.

While the country warms up to the legalization of marijuana, this middle school is cracking down on the fake stuff.

A "gifted-and-talented" student at Bedford Middle School in Bedford, Virginia brought a pot leaf to school and bragged about it to his friends. When an assistant principal found the leaf and a lighter in his bag, the 6th grader was suspended from school.

Let's set aside for a moment the reality that one random pot leaf does not a killer high make. The fact is, it wasn't even a pot leaf! It was some dumb leaf the kid thought looked like pot. According to the Roanoke Times, the school tested the pot leaf three times just to make sure they didn't capture the world's least loaded drug dealer and, sure enough, it was just some ordinary leaf. Nevertheless, the kid is still not allowed back in school.

Per the school's zero-tolerance, totally square policy, "imitation drugs" are just as prohibited as the real thing.

According to the school's anti-drug policy,

"The unlawful manufacture, distribution, dispensation, possession, use or being under the influence of alcohol, anabolic steroids, or any narcotic drug, hallucinogenic drug, amphetamine, barbiturate, marijuana or other controlled substance … [or] imitation controlled substances or drug paraphernalia while on school property, while going to and from school, or while engaged in or attending any school-sponsored or school approved activity or event, is prohibited, and will result in an automatic recommendation of expulsion.”

Basically, the 11-year-old is in as much trouble as he'd have been if he'd brought actual weed.

He was sentenced to be home-schooled during the six months it took for authorities to actually test the leaf and admit that it wasn't really pot. Fortunately, both his parents are teachers. Now he is allowed back at school, but he must attend a different one, away from all of his friends. In addition to that, school officials will be checking his bag before and after school every day until his year-long probation is over.

His parents told the Roanoke Times that the punishment has caused their normally "happy-go-lucky" kid stress. He is now "under the care of a pediatric psychiatrist for panic attacks and depression."

That sucks, but once that kid is off probation, I totally know something that could cure that.

Look out for the opinions flying in your face.

Not how we want to picture the DC heroine. (via Comic Book Resources)

The cover is a variant, meaning it was commissioned separately from the content of the story or its creators. It's just one artist's mind riffing on important themes in the Batgirl canon. The piece refers to an old comic called The Killing Joke, in which the Joker shoots Batgirl in the spine, paralyzing her, then sends pictures of her naked, injured body to her father, Jim Gordon. It's a famous storyline, but one that has received a lot of criticism for how it sexualizes violence. The illustration brought them up again:

The BATGIRL team (and @DCComics) has worked really hard to make this book for new female readers. This is inconsistent. #ChangeTheCover
— Matt SantoriGriffith (@FotoCub) March 14, 2015

The hashtag #ChangeTheCover popped up on Twitter and DC decided to cancel the variant. Even the artist, Rafael Albuquerque, was on board with the cancellation, telling Comic Book Resources:

"For me, it was just a creepy cover that brought up something from the character's past that I was able to interpret artistically. But it has become clear, that for others, it touched a very important nerve."

Cool! That should be the end of it, right? Nope.

DC also released a statement, saying:

"Regardless if fans like Rafael Albuquerque's homage to Alan Moore's THE KILLING JOKE graphic novel from 25 years ago, or find it inconsistent with the current tonality of the Batgirl books - threats of violence and harassment are wrong and have no place in comics or society."

So, some very excitable #Gamergate folks interpreted this as a coded message DC was sending to The Real Men that feminazis were holding guns to their head and they'd caved to pressure.

#CHANGETHECOVER proves that SJWs are no different from the Charlie Hebdo killers.
— Maximilian Jenius (@Max_x_Milia) March 17, 2015

SJW is Internet for Social Justice Warrior, meaning women who care about not seeing other women brutalized for the sake of character development in male protagonists. Rafael Albuquerque then clarified:

Ill talk more about it tomorrow but I was never threatened. just to make it clear.
— Rafael Abuquerque (@rafaalbuquerque) March 17, 2015

Nerd culture is in a strange place right now. It's no longer a niche group. It's huge, it's diverse and it's visible in a way that makes it accountable to all its fans. That includes women. If you think canceling a cover that depicts one of DC's most famous female super heroes weeping as a man threatens her with a gun is reactionary, consider the long history of story lines where women are raped or murdered just to give higher emotional stakes to our hero's epic journey.

Look, there's even a supercut:

And for some visual contrast in how we treat men and women in comic book drawings:

I think this says it all about the silliness of the Batgirl cover. pic.twitter.com/5v6ioJTGdK
— ChrisCrosser (@chryslus) March 17, 2015

Thanks, DC, for taking the complaints seriously (that's feminist code for: Thanks, DC, for taking the complaints seriously).

Women's History Month celebrated through history's great marital contracts.

Pocketwatch, a sketch team previously featured here for their hilarious response to the NFL's mounting problems last September, has done it again, and, by “it," we mean “made us laugh" despite our unrepentant desire to sit frowning at our glowing rectangles.

This week, the pop culture and political sketch team takes on the sad fact that historically important women are often celebrated more for whose ring they are wearing on that finger than what they've accomplished with their pumped-full-of-grey-matter organ.

If you've got two minutes and 48 seconds to spare, check it out. If you don't have 168 seconds, you're spending too much time watching 9/11 truther videos. Either way, you deserve a break, buddy!

1. NFL Rookie Throws Away Promising Career To Pursue Dream Of Not Having Brain Damage

San Francisco 49ers linebacker Chris Borland has announced that he is retiring from the NFL after only one season of play, explaining that he would rather live his life as a regular person with a head not full of mashed potatoes than be a celebrated professional football player. “From what I've researched and what I've experienced, I don't think it's worth the risk,” Borland explained to ESPN, utilizing a brain that seems to still be in good working order.

Can't wait to see which NFL team drafts Robert Durst.

— aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) March 16, 2015

2. Sir Elton John Might Not Know How Boycotts Are Supposed To Work

After superstar fashion designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana made the perplexing and idiotic decision to alienate the gay community by spouting a bunch of retrograde bigotry about gay adoption to the Italian press, Elton John—who has two adopted children with his husband—led the charge to boycott their products. However, the iconic musician may need a refresher course in the rules of boycotting, as, less than one day later, he was photographed on the street with a Dolce & Gabbana shopping bag.

That does it -- starting 29 years ago I am no longer buying any dolce & gabbana clothes

— Dan Amira (@DanAmira) March 15, 2015

3. Secret Service Building Fake White House, Presumably To Fool Incredibly Dumb Terrorists

The U.S. Secret Service wants to spend $8 million to build an exact replica of the White House in order to practice protecting the real White House. This will be a "more realistic environment, conducive to scenario-based training exercises," according to Secret Service director Joseph P. Clancy. It will also be a place where they can hone their drunk driving skills without fear of running over the First Lady.

The secret service is trying to re-establish its credibility by asking to protect a fake White House - http://t.co/c1YiAuQCjn via @nytimes

— Max Antonucci (@DigitalMaxToday) March 17, 2015

4. Pauper Minister Requires A Mere $65 Million To Purchase New Gulfstream G650 Jet

Down and out televangelist Creflo Dollar is requesting a small $300 donation from all 200,000 members of his congregation so that he can simply afford to buy himself a very modest $65 million private jet. Ugh. It must be really killing him to have to ask for help like this. So humiliating.

If you can't trust a man named Creflo Dollar with your money, whom can you trust? http://t.co/oYbNgvq2UJ

— Craig Mazin (@clmazin) March 15, 2015

5. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day By Not Celebrating St. Patrick's Day And Watching New 'Community' Episodes Instead

Local authorities are currently predicting violent drunk St. Patrick's Day revelers will be everywhere but your living room tonight, where you are being advised to stay and watch the first two episodes of the sixth season of Community, which has just gone live on Yahoo Screen. Failing that, you may also start getting into that show Peaky Blinders that everyone keeps talking about, or watch The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for a third time. You should not leave your home and attempt to fraternize with people under any circumstances, as potential consequences include massive headaches, green vomit and having sex with someone who would actually wear this t-shirt in public.

tried 2 order a roku box from amazon ‘prime now’ to watch ‘community’ and it can’t b delivered until 6am like i live in a third world nation

— andy levy (@andylevy) March 17, 2015

This is how you (ask people politely to more quietly) do it.

"These paper thin walls can be such downers" unless you're an auditory voyeur. Audeur?
(via reddit)

Redditor sarahangeline4u posted this note yesterday, both to share with the world this extremely well-executed example of neighborliness, and also presumably to brag about her great new sex life. Good for you, sarahangeline4u. A lot of people said you'd never get there, but you did. You had sex.

Let's get back to your neighbor, though, and how well they she (let's be honest, "Hey girl" + "you go girl" + nice handwriting = neighbor is a woman) navigated the tricky waters of asking a stranger who lives overhead to have less vigorous coitus. First of all, she expresses support and enthusiasm overall. Secondly, she acknowledges that she's making a big request. Finally, and most importantly, she sets out a specific timeframe in which she would like more quiet. This helps sarahangeline4u plan out her fantastic boning (we get it, jeez, you're getting laid) while making the neighbor's request more reasonable (although 10 is a little early to go to bed in my opinion).

I don't know what this neighbor does, but they should consider writing an advice column for a newspaper or at least a newsletter for their apartment complex.

This is how dumb you look BEFORE you start drinking.

Well friends, St. Patrick's Day is upon us once again. If you're like most people, you'll observe this ancient celebration of Irish culture and spirituality by getting plastered and puking green food coloring onto the street. However, that would be tame compared to the pro drinkers you'll see in this article. Whether you're planning on avoiding the chaos tonight by staying in and watching Angela's Ashes, or going out and just trying to stay more coherent than the degenerates around you, this list will help you remember to drink responsibly. Just don't say "responsibly" in public, or you'll get beaten up. Here are the 14 most ridiculous drunks we could find:

1. This guy trying to skate home from the bar.

2. This old guy leading a train full of people in a sing-along.

3. This whiny hipster who got his kayak stuck in the mud.

4. Benedict Cumberbatch slurring his acceptance speech.

5. This rich brat whose dad owns half of Manhattan.

6. This Polish guy who isn't great with doors.

7. This fedora dude who locked himself in a bathroom stall.

8. This douchebag who confessed his feelings to a reporter.

9. This dad who ran afoul of a trampoline.

10. These Bears fans whose innocent race ended tragically.

10. This guy who fell asleep in a very uncomfortable position.

11. This drunk driver wearing the worst shirt for his mugshot.

The breathalyzer showed he was actually drunk as fuck.(Via)

12. This guy who needs a minute before going back to the party.

13. This virtuoso who sang all of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in the back of a squad car.

14. And finally, this drunk goalie.

"Throw the ball, human! Throw it!!!"

After watching this video of a cat who likes to play fetch, I dug up the prophesy from the Bible (italics mine):

"The sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. And cats will run forth and collect balls as do the dogs, and yea though they are not dogs, they shall acteth as them with crazed looks in their eye. Thou wouldst be wise to throw the ball again, for if not they shall certainly claw into your skin with great fierceness. At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn."

— Matthew 24:29-31

Guys, I'm pretty sure we're living in the End Times.

Come on our planes!

Spirit: Keepin' air travel classy since 1980. (via Spirit Airlines)

Spirit Airlines is gross. And it's not just because they charge you for carry-on bags (anywhere from $26 to $100 per bag each way), or because they switched their toll-free customer service line to a not-free one, or because they're just across the board one of the lowest-rated airlines. It's also because they're classy enough to run an airfare promotion based on oral sex.

To celebrate having 69 planes in their shitty fleet, Spirit is offering "$69" round-trip fares coupled with lots of suggestive language. (I put $69 in quotes because I'm pretty sure there is literally no way to fly with them that doesn't add at least $25 to that amount.) From Spirit's website:

We've been waiting to hit 69 planes for years. It's our favorite number - ever since we were twelve and found that magazine under our brother's bed (the one with the fantastic articles). Use your mouth to spread the word: Spirit is in an even better position to get you where you're going.

Lovely. I'd suggest sticking it to Spirit Airlines by booking one of these tickets and then 69ing in the bathroom, but I'm not 100% sure that you can use a bathroom on a Spirit flight without paying a fee. Actually, maybe this is just the first step in a sexy Spirit rebranding where they become the first airline to allow flagrant in-flight sex acts. Spirit Airlines: Air travel isn't already bad enough, so let's add the pervasive smell of jizz.