Despite years of pleading with us to keep up with them, the season 10 premiere of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' was yet another 45-minute reminder that it is impossible to actually achieve an existence that remotely compares to theirs.
Right from the “Previously On"—featuring Kim's wedding to self-proclaimed god Kanye West in Italy—all the way to the glimpses of upcoming grandeur in the "Next On," it is obvious the efforts we make in our own banal existences are fruitless. We were not born into this increasingly powerful family. Could someone ever write a blog post about you, using your first name only, and have the world know whom you are talking about? No. Sorry, Kim Perroni, whoever the hell you are. You will always need your last name in blog posts.
Here are five reasons we can't keep up:
1. The essence of a man Barack Obama's people call at home is not marinating inside anyone in your house.
2. When you get naked after popping out a kid, you aren't on a rooftop of flashing lights.
3. Your mom who doesn't cook will never be rewarded with a ghostwritten cookbook, or "cookspook."*
*A term I just came up with because I'm a mere blogger and not a Kardashian and I come up with plays on words I hope get me clicks because no one follows me around with a camera, and if they did, it would be a short-lived endeavor because I don't leave the house.
4. No one in your family has a butt like this, and if they did, it wouldn't be in second plasse.
5. Your ex-stepbrother isn't laughing about which of your famous lovers, a Super Bowl-winning NFL player or a Grammy-winning/sabotaging rapper, he would let die, while drinking wine you could neither afford nor appreciate.
Congratulations! You're not keeping up.