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5 moments from this week's 'Kardashians' premiere that prove we'll never keep up with any Kardashians.

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Despite years of pleading with us to keep up with them, the season 10 premiere of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' was yet another 45-minute reminder that it is impossible to actually achieve an existence that remotely compares to theirs.

Right from the “Previously On"—featuring Kim's wedding to self-proclaimed god Kanye West in Italy—all the way to the glimpses of upcoming grandeur in the "Next On," it is obvious the efforts we make in our own banal existences are fruitless. We were not born into this increasingly powerful family. Could someone ever write a blog post about you, using your first name only, and have the world know whom you are talking about? No. Sorry, Kim Perroni, whoever the hell you are. You will always need your last name in blog posts.

Here are five reasons we can't keep up:

1. The essence of a man Barack Obama's people call at home is not marinating inside anyone in your house.

2. When you get naked after popping out a kid, you aren't on a rooftop of flashing lights.

3. Your mom who doesn't cook will never be rewarded with a ghostwritten cookbook, or "cookspook."*

*A term I just came up with because I'm a mere blogger and not a Kardashian and I come up with plays on words I hope get me clicks because no one follows me around with a camera, and if they did, it would be a short-lived endeavor because I don't leave the house.

4. No one in your family has a butt like this, and if they did, it wouldn't be in second plasse.

5. Your ex-stepbrother isn't laughing about which of your famous lovers, a Super Bowl-winning NFL player or a Grammy-winning/sabotaging rapper, he would let die, while drinking wine you could neither afford nor appreciate.

Congratulations! You're not keeping up.


St. Patrick's Day

The Associated Press just issued the best correction of 2015.

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"The hell did I do? I killed them all, of course... for the nookie."

Pictured: Fred Durst (left), Bob "Worst" Durst (right).
(via Getty Images)

From Twitter, you expect it. But from the Associated Press? The world's leading newswire service? I mean, just look at this:


It's one thing to think Fred Durst got arrested—it's to think Limp Bizkit has a 70-year-old frontman. (via jimromenesko.com)

Granted, this error only went out to newswires in California, but isn't that the ancient burial ground of the Warped Tour? Californians should know better. As Eric Roy wrote for JimRomenesko.com, "If nothing else, I'm impressed by the size of the overlooked generation gap."

Although, what generation are we discussing here? Limp Bizkit was actually pretty huge right when Bob Durst was at his murder-est. Was that article written by a 22-year-old who just remembers that someone named Durst did something really horrible in front of everyone around the turn of the millennium and got away with it? That might be the scariest thought of all.

100 years of Korean beauty displayed in just one minute.

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The 38th parallel is really the division between whether or not women wear flashy eyeshadow.

Watching the evolution of beauty norms from Cut Video never gets old, especially when comparing what happens to those standards as a country splits halfway through the century.

In the first half of the century, women in all regions of Korea kept the same styles, choosing highly ornamented hair and shiny skin in the earliest part of the century. Slowly, the ornamentation decreased and a brighter lip came into vogue.

As Korea famously split after WWII, we begin to see radical changes in beauty. North Korean woman are going for a more westernized look, while South Korean women represented the military.

The modern vs. old fashioned looks widen in the seventies...

...and only in the '90's does it seem like maybe the women of the North are getting it right.

Leave it to capitalists for tricking women into buying butterfly clips and teasing their hair out like that.

Finally, in the current era, both North and South agree one trend...

... accessorizing their face with their hands.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter tells us how to be our best skinny, rich selves.

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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow teaches you how to be a better version of yourself, using only her advice and the bank account of an oil tycoon.

Today, though, we're in luck – because the Gwynnie wants nothing more than to teach us to boil an egg. No, seriously. She actually describes the laborious process of boiling water, putting in the egg, letting time pass, and removing said egg. Once you have that mastered, perhaps you'd like the helpful step-by-step she also provides for scrambling an egg.


But if you already learned that watching The Help while summering in the Hamptons, let's move on to a different kind of lesson from “life strategist" (“life coach" is so 2012) Suzannah Galland. She likens our unconscious and subconscious minds to “these great, deep pools of untapped information" and says something about “amazing clarity" that I was too distracted to understand because all I could think about is how Suzannah-with-an-H sounds like “ahhhhh" at the end and how serendipitous that is for a woman who essentially became a high-paid professional hippie.

Next we have an assortment of Black Evening Flats, which I admit is pretty helpful if you need some dressy shoes and are tired of having Barbie feet from wearing heels so often. And if you have $50, there's even a pair on the list you can buy! But, uh, just the one. You'll need at least $350 to buy anything else that's highlighted – and if you want the Michael Kors lace-ups that have become Paltrow's “obsession of the season," they'll set you back $550.

Need suggestions on what to wear with your kicky new black flats? GOOP's gotcha covered, doll. The shell shorts being worn with Gwynnie's favorite flats above are $650, a mere pittance for the honor of essentially wearing the wallpaper from a kitschy seaside motel.

If you were thrifty and bought the cheaper shoes, use some of the scratch you saved on the Stella McCartney skirt below. It's almost $2000, but hey, paying your rent is so bourgeois. There's also a 60s-inspired Roydene dress for $665, or a bird applique dress for a mere $390. (The bargain-basement price on that one might be related to the fact that it looks an awful lot like a wayward Etsy project.)


Also featured this week is a list of New York City restaurants Gwyneth wants to try (oh how college me would've laughed at the trendiness of ramen noodles these days) and the rather dramatically-named Toys for Young Hackers (I don't know when “hacker" became a synonym for “tech-savvy" but let's stop doing that).

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.


Shauna Wright is a writer, celebrity snarker and global gay icon. She has been retweeted on Twitter by at least two people you've heard of.

The sexist media is penis-shaming a female journalist for her provocative neckline.

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I am woman, hear my penis neck roar.

Can you believe the kind of nonsense we're still dealing with in the year 2015? Sometimes, it feels more like we're like we're in the year 1915. Apparently, in this supposedly post-feminist age, we still can't deal with the sight of an empowered, intelligent woman on our television screens reading the news with a penis for a neck.

Sigh... It's just so exhausting.

Natarsha Belling, a distinguished Australian newscaster for Network Ten's Eyewitness News, has been the focus of a lot of media scrutiny lately, after viewers noticed the penis-and-testes-like shape created by the neckline of a particular green jacket she wears occasionally.

But would this even be news if Belling were a man? Men have been reporting on-air with penises and testes for decades and no one has said anything about it. Walter Cronkite—the most respected name in the history of U.S. news journalism—served for 19 years as the CBS Evening News anchorman, and every evening he sat down in front of the cameras with one penis and two testes. Nobody ever said a word!

And now suddenly this is an issue because a female journalist is following suit?

This is a disgraceful double standard, and I for one am sick to death of dealing with it. That's why I'm throwing my support behind the #FreeThePenisNeck hashtag on Twitter. (There's not much there right now, but I have a feeling it's gonna start trending any time now.)

Glutton for punishment: Mitt Romney to fight Evander Holyfield for charity.

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The Brouhaha in Utah.


Couldn't they settle it with a neck width competition?(Getty)

Mitt Romney may not be running for president, but that doesn't mean you won't be able to see him be humiliated in a public forum again. That's because he's volunteered to go into the ring with former World Heavyweight Champion Evander Holyfield in an exhibition fight.

Maybe it won't be so bad. Holyfield is 52 now, so he's well past his physical peak. Romney, on the other hand, is 68. And you have to imagine Romney will have dozens of handlers there to keep him from being beaten to too mushy a pulp. Holyfield couldn't possibly fight off all of them as well. Oh wait, yes he could. This is going to be a good fight.

The fight will be held in Salt Lake City, and the proceeds will benefit Charity Vision, a Mormon-affiliated organization that provides medical equipment to poor areas around the world. Thankfully, Salt Lake City already has excellent medical facilities. Romney is going to need them after this fight. The former Massachusetts governor had this to say:

"It will either be a very short fight, or I will be knocked unconscious."

Those aren't mutually exclusive, Mitt. Be careful. As others have pointed out, Teddy Roosevelt was partially blinded in one eye during a boxing match. That's hardly a comparable situation, though. Roosevelt was president.

James Franco discusses his sexual orientation in the most James Franco way possible.

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James Franco is just playing a James Franco impersonator now, right?


"Am I straight? Am I gay? I don't know, what do I think? Wow, I crack me up!"
(via Getty Images)

In the most recent issue of Four Two Nine magazine, James Franco discussed his sexual orientation... by interviewing James Franco. Is there any way for James Franco to seem more James Franco than that? (Also, have we ever seen James Franco and Shia LaBouf hold hands? I worry that if they ever do, we'll discover that they're some sort of self-obsessed artist-weirdo Wonder Twins who, when they join forces, have the power to destroy us all with their navel-gazing.)

Anyway, is Franco gay, or is Franco straight, or...? Well, here's what the actor told, uh, himself:

Straight James: Let's get substantial: are you f**king gay or what?
Gay James: Well, I like to think that I'm gay in my art and straight in my life. Although, I'm also gay in my life up to the point of intercourse, and then you could say I'm straight. So I guess it depends on how you define gay. If it means whom you have sex with, I guess I'm straight. In the twenties and thirties, they used to define homosexuality by how you acted and not by whom you slept with. Sailors would f**k guys all the time, but as long as they behaved in masculine ways, they weren't considered gay.

Great! So that clears up... some things? Maybe? Maybe not. Thanks, James!


Right place.

Diamond in the rough.

Instant jacuzzi: just add piranhas and raw meat.

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It's like a blender making a flesh smoothie.

Ever since I first found out that the Brazilians who live on the Amazon and its tributaries build homes and docks right on top of piranha-infested waters, they've topped my list for ballsiest housing choices on the planet. Piranhas, like most animals that humans live near, have also figured out that people are chronic food-droppers, so it's twice as scary because you know the meat-shredding fish are always hanging out in the muddy water near houses and boats. On the other hand, if you're crazy, it looks like a lot of fun.

See more: OMG, this is how you fish for piranhas.

In today's celeb news, Jimmy Kimmel's pee hole closed up once. Well, twice.

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Congratulations! You now have a new thing to be terrified of happening to you.


Now that's the smile of a man whose dick hole is open. (via Getty Images)

I've heard a lot coming out of SXSW this week about technology, entertainment, and a Meerkat that isn't actually a cute animal and is therefore disappointing. But I have only heard one thing coming out of SXSW about a pee hole closing up, and that's about Jimmy Kimmel's pee hole. In a SXSW Interactive interview yesterday, Kimmel said that when he was working at KROQ, "My penis hole closed up."

As a woman, I find that hilarious, while also recognizing that if I heard a lady say "My vagina hole closed up" I'd immediately get woozy and cross my legs. Thankfully, E! knew that we would all want to hear more about Jimmy's urethra closing, so E!'s Marc Malkin asked him about it. (There's a video at that link you can watch, but it auto-plays, so I did you the favor of not embedding it).


Malkin and Kimmel talkin' dicks. (via E!)

Obviously humoring the interviewer, Kimmel said that his pee hole "kind of closed up on its own. I don't know why it happened. I still don't know why." Kimmel also said that it took two surgeries to fix it, because after the first surgery, the doctors told him the exact thing you don't want to hear after any medical procedure: "Yeah, we didn't get it, it didn't quite work. We need to do it again."

Well, uh, congratulations, Jimmy. May your pee hole always be open.

Tall order: Starbucks wants you to talk about race with your barista.

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They could have started with "make eye contact with your barista."


Howard Schultz writes "Race Together" on a cup, presumably misspelling it.(Starbucks)

This country is in desperate need of an active dialogue about race. And what better place for that dialogue to begin than in line at Starbucks? Actually, any other place would be better.

That seems to be the consensus on the Internet today, after Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced the company's new "Race Together" campaign. It was launched with full-page ads in The New York Times and USA Today, which is a partner in the campaign. Here's the one from the Times:


Good luck not getting that ink on your fingers.(Starbucks)

And here's the one from USA Today.


For the last time, I didn't order human!(Starbucks)

Starbucks employees, called "partners" in their corporate lingo, are being encouraged to write the phrase "Race Together" on customers' cups to indicate that they're willing to engage in a dialogue. The company is also providing conversation starters, like “In the past year, I have been to the home of someone of a different race ___ times." This is exactly what our divided society needs: Mad Libs.

Twitter, naturally, has jumped on this story like piranhas in a feeding frenzy:

These are all good points. What do you think? Is Starbucks being noble here, or is this campaign misguided? Let me know your thoughts, so we can get a dialogue going! Just kidding, I don't want to know. I'm just going to keep on believing what I do already and accept the status quo. It's worked this far.

Irish goodbye.

Show-off siblings play a dueling 'Frozen' piano medley backwards and forwards.

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Warning: if your parents see this, they will start expecting a lot more out of your relationships with your siblings.

Who doesn't love the dueling banjos scene from Deliverance? Well here's some more kinfolk doing weird musical dueling stuff, only this time without all the uncomfortable incest. Nope, the only thing backwards here is their hand placement.

The Frozen medley, which includes 'Love is An Open Door,' 'For the First Time in Forever,' 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman,' and 'Let it Go, was arranged by older brother Jason Lyle Black, who is accompanied by his sister Sara.

The video also features a younger brother (I assume, although this dueling scenario is ripe for a cousin) who is shooting a toy gun. The whole thing is free to enjoy, although in the YouTube description there there is a desperate plea from the sibs for you to holler at Ellen about their act. I leave that decision up to you.

ICYMI, one of the greatest movie scenes of all time:



Truck wheels flying all over the highway are the latest reason to never drive in Russia.

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It's like 'Mad Max,' but with less infrastructure.

Unless you're driving out of the country as fast as possible, it's just not worth the risk. If there isn't a truck disintegrating in front of you, you're being swallowed up by the earth, or attacked by cartoon characters. There's just no winning. By the way, that's Russia's national motto.

Some genius hid fake self-help books around a local bookstore. I wish they were real so bad.

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You can call these "shelf-help" because they make the shelf more fun! I'm so sorry for that joke.


I disagree with "choices" but I'm glad we're having a dialogue about centaurism.
(via Obvious Plant)

This genius went to a bookstore in Los Angeles and gifted them with amazing new "self-help" books (created by printing new covers and putting them over thrift-store books), including So Your Son is a Centaur, The Beginner's Guide to Human Sacrifice, and Learn to Dress Yourself.


Is that Agnes Brangles of the Bangor Brangles? (via Obvious Plant)

This genius's real name is unknown, but the California human behind this prank goes by "obviousplant" (somehow I think it's not their real name) on reddit (UPDATE: Obvious Plant's real name is Jeff Wysaski). Mr/Ms Plant caught our attention a few weeks ago for going into a Barnes & Noble and adding creative new category names for their shelves. This time, however, Mr/Ms Plant created entirely new books, complete with author bios, press blurbs, and quotes.


Really, only 4 out of those 7 are necessary for being an adult.(via Obvious Plant)

Here's the full album of his photos from the bookstore:


And, due to popular demand, here's an album with the template for the books so you can print your own:


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to read a book about what to do with this shoe I'm apparently not supposed to be wearing on my genitals.

This music video about guinea pigs on a bridge is the most joyful thing you'll watch today.

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And you get to see them! The guinea pigs on the bridge!

The Nagasaki Bio Park in Japan has a guinea pig bridge. As if that's not delightful enough, song-of-the-week guy Parry Gripp wrote a song about the guinea pigs and their bridge. (If, like myself, you liked Star Wars and pop punk in the late 90s, you'll also recognize Gripp as the frontman of the band Nerf Herder.)

This whole thing is really wonderful. If you are still reading this, stop and go watch that thing up there.

Finally, an all-Lil Jon reboot of the 'Ghostbusters' theme: 'Lowbusters.'

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'Lowbusters' can be the new theme for all the reboots, no matter the gender.

Most days, the Internet lives up precisely to my low, low expectations (from the windows to the wall). Case in point: the weird backlash against a female-driven reboot of Ghostbusters (and the weird all-male spinoff of that reboot). But once a week, it does something that reminds me why I fell in love with this stupid, weird, wacky place. This week, that something is this: 'Lowbusters,' a mashup of the Lil John & The Eastside Crew (ft the Ying-Yang crew)'s 2003 megahit 'Get Low' and of course, the 'Ghostbusters' theme.

See more: 9 even more unnecessary all-male reboots besides 'Ghostbusters'

Howie Mandel's mansion got covered in 4,000 rolls of TP — see his reaction.

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First, let's hold a moment of silence for these rolls of toilet paper that will never be used to wipe.

I'm not the biggest fan of pranks. That said, pulling a prank is a lot better when it's on someone who also pranks people. That's why it's kind of delightful to see prankster Roman Atwood turn his mischief machine on the house of his friend Howie Mandel, the executive producer and occasional guest host of the hidden camera show Deal With It.

Also, I did a little math for you — if the average American uses 23.6 rolls per year, the amount of TP Atwood used could keep one person wiping for over 169 years. You'd have enough toilet paper that someone could keep wiping your butt for you decades after you died!

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