Please give her a treat.

Another day, another hero dog. This mama saved her litter of puppies from a huge forest fire that broke out near the Chilean city of Valparaíso.

Chile is hot.(screengrab via Telemundo 47)

She's not the first dog that's been documented saving their babies from danger, but her ingenuity is pretty impressive. She dug a hole under a metal shipping container, shoved them in it, then went to seek cover herself. Does this mean dogs understand science?!

Blacky, certified dog genius.(screengrab via Telemundo 47)

Dogs are pretty smart, but it seems unlikely that Blacky was trained in fire safety, unless she's been hanging with Smokey the Bear. Smokey doesn't live in Chile, so I guess Blacky is just a self-taught fire warden.

Good girl.(via Telemundo 47)

Happily, since their brush with death, offers have been pouring in to adopt the whole brood. Hopefully this is the most exciting thing to ever happen to this dog family, unless it's a human accidentally dropping a steak on the floor.

Spot me, dude.

These cats are so chill, but not because they don't work hard on their bodies. They work hard, then they play hard. Check out these little Man Cave mascots giving high fives, down lows and sinking baskets. Nothing but net!

I used to annoy my cat until she gave me a high five as well, but in my mind we were lining up to do an Elizabethan era figure eight dance, like two courtiers of yore. Cats: they can be whatever you project on them.

Warning: these photos cannot be unseen.

Pre-disaster selfie. (via Imgur)

Australian Imgur user TheBassistMuse was having an exciting world tour of exotic places but still ended up in Canada. She met some friends, got blackout drunk and fell asleep somewhere outdoors in Saskatchewan. Australians being unaccustomed to the seriousness of the bitter cold and drunk people being idiots, she was discovered too late to prevent a terrible case of frostbite in her hands. But don't worry, she has a real sense of humor about it.

She writes in this Imgur post:

Now don't mistake for this for a sob story, theres no complaining here. Just pure unadulterated idiocy.

Here's her hand at the early stage of thaw. Just looks like a bruise, no biggie! (via Imgur)

Wait, what's this then?(via Imgur)

Oh my god. OH MY GOD.(via Imgur)

AIGHHHHHHHHHH!(via Imgur)

Frostbite is kind of like a burn. The cold kills your skin on a cellular level and the regeneration is what's happening in all that swelling and pus. As anyone who's burned themselves can attest, it's quite painful, so it's impressive that this Aussie was able to keep her spirits up (morphine probably helped). And there's this:

While in a flurry of nurses and bandages and medication i was given time with the local specialist called... Wait for it.... Dr. Freezin!!! I know! My injury has its own pun! When people say theres a silver lining to every situation they are right. And its usually a pun.

Dr. Frieson (actual spelling) drained her blisters and the prognosis is fairly good. There's a chance she may still lose a finger, but she has an upbeat perspective on that, too:

Dr.F said ill probably keep all of my fingers. The only ones to worry about is my left pinky and right middle fingertip. I won't find out until June. If i lose them i wanna make a sweet custom made prosthetic. Just like Margot Tennenbaum in The Royal Tennebaums. Fuck yeah.

Her hand is actually hurting less in this photo.(via Imgur)

Respect nature, guys, and also employ a buddy system at the bar so no one runs like a drunken madman into the night. That's why women go to the bathroom in pairs!

Here's a tip for these punks: clean up your act.

The proof is in the ice cream.(Fox 2)

This past Monday was Free Cone Day at Dairy Queen. In honor of the chain's 75th anniversary, locations across the country gave a free small vanilla cone to anyone who wanted one. But for four Detroit teenagers, free ice cream just wasn't enough. For these brazen young girls, that cold soft cream had to come with some cold hard cash.

The girls pulled up to a DQ location in St. Clair Shores, MI, a Detroit suburb just south of the city. They rowdily approached the counter and demanded their free cones. But immediately after getting their treats, the girls snatched the tip jar and ran off, in full view of the staff and other customers. They were chased by franchise owner Liz Hope and her pregnant daughter, but made it to their car and got away. Instead of dividing the loot and laying low in a safe house, however, they chose to publicly brag about their crime, like a bunch of Batman villains.

What a diabolical perversion of Snapchat. That social media platform was created to share precious moments with your loved ones, not embrace a life of wanton criminality. What the girls never expected is that the video would wind up on the news, and in the hands of police. The other Dairy Queen customers also stepped up to bring them to justice, snapping pictures of the license plate on their getaway car.

You mess with the Dairy Queen, you mess with her subjects.(Fox 2)

That car is now in the possession of the St. Clair Shores Police. Next time these girls want to snatch a tip jar, they'd better wear their running shoes.

Someday soon, she'll teach that epic comic timing to her little brother or sister.

Kathryn, who is nearly three, had been "asking for a sister or brother," says her mom, Megan Williams. She and her husband were "excited to see [Kathryn's] reaction" and decided to tape Kathryn when they told her the big news and gave her a book about being a big sister.

But "apparently, she couldn't keep her excitement in."

Megan's husband solemnly tells Kathryn, "You're going to be a big sister." And Kathryn considers the major change imminent in her young life, the responsibilities of caring for a younger sibling, how her family is no longer only three people, and replies in a stage whisper:

"I farted."

Let's see that ultimate expression of sibling devotion and love again:

1. Glenn Beck Is Fed Up With The GOP's Frustratingly Not-Crazy-Enough Behavior

Libertarian pundit Glenn Beck announced on his radio show yesterday that he is leaving the Republican Party due to its inability to roll back Obamacare and halt immigration reform. "I've made my decision – I'm out. I'm out of the Republican Party," he announced. "I am not a Republican; I will not give a dime to the Republican Party. I'm out. I highly recommend — run from the Republican Party. They are not good." There's some speculation that this announcement might be related to a visit he received last year from his time-traveling future self warning of the dangers of "diversity and tolerance."

Translation: I WANT ATTENTION. ME ME ME. MT @politico: Glenn Beck: "I’m out of the Republican Party." http://t.co/chjtYIKFd0

— daveweigel (@daveweigel) March 18, 2015

2. France Might Outlaw The Use Of Skin-Covered Skeletons In Fashion Shows

The French government may soon pass legislation that would establish a minimum weight, based on body-mass index, for models employed by fashion houses and agents in ad campaigns and runway shows. Under this controversial proposed law, models would need to have a BMI of at least 18, so a 5'7" woman would have to weigh at least 121 pounds, which by fashion standards would make her a huge lardass.

France is considering a bill banning models who are too thin from runways and fashion spreads. Kate Moss is considering eating a Saltine.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) March 17, 2015

3. Thousands Of Portals To The Netherworld Opening Up Along The Dead Sea

More than 3,000 sinkholes have opened up along the banks of the Dead Sea over the course of the past decade, according to environmentalists. "It's nature's revenge," the Israeli director of EcoPeace Middle East asserted to ABC News. "These sinkholes are a direct result of the inappropriate mismanagement of water resources in the region." He did not specify exactly how many local residents were dragged kicking and screaming into these holes by the hellish beasts who no doubt emerge from them nightly to satisfy their insatiable hunger for soft human flesh.

Very weird that there are holes in our sinks and we call them drains, but then there’s this whole other kind of hole we call a sinkhole.

— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) July 30, 2014

4. Where Is America's Next Generation Of Waldos and Zelmas?

Nameberry recently released a list of fifteen names that are disappearing from American culture, due to parents' increasing unwillingness to burden their children with bummerish names. Among the names listed by the online database website were Alpha, Nanette and Zelma for girls, and Elmo, Remus and Waldo for boys. Sometimes extinction is for the greater good.

Baby names in Los Angeles, 2015: 1. Slouchy Beanie 2. Slouchy Beanie 3. Slouchy Beanie 4. Slouchy Beanie 5. Slouchy Beanie 6. Guacamole

— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) March 9, 2015

5. On Second Thought, You Probably Don't Want To Know About This Randy Quaid Sex Tape

You know, when I first started compiling this list of news stories, I thought that it would be a good idea to inform you of the strange and disconcerting diatribe/sex tape that fugitive-from-justice Randy Quaid and his wife Evi recently self-released [link is SFW]. Upon further reflection and a great deal of soul searching, though, I've decided that if you've managed to go this long without learning of the film's troubling existence, I cannot in good faith be the one to break it to you. Please, enjoy your lives as best you can.

Can't think of a more upsetting headline than "randy quaid uploads sex tape"!

— Josh Terry (@JoshhTerry) March 18, 2015

Such sweet torture.

The new season of Game of Thrones debuts on April 12. Fans of the show have already been whipped into a frothing frenzy of anticipation, and that was just at the end of last season. HBO, however, is a relentless hype junkie. That's why they won't stop teasing us with clips, hints, and pictures from the new season. Now, just when we were close to thinking about something else for a minute, they've dropped two new clips and eight new images. Time to call out of work.

The first clip is of Jon Snow (sigh) and Mance Rayder (double sigh):

The second clip is of Varys and Tyrion. Ooh, I hope they trade witty rejoinders!

The images depict various characters, old and new. First up, Melisandre:

The red woman's looking pretty pale. Wear a scarf, Mel!(HBO Helen Sloan)

Here's Jon Snow and Mance Rayder, from the scene above (sigh):

They look great in fur.(HBO Helen Sloan)

Here are the Lannister twins, having an argument that may or may not turn into incestuous sex:

They could also be trading hair tips.(HBO Helen Sloan)

If you haven't lost track of the plot yet, you might remember that their daughter Myrcella was sent south to Dorne. Here she is looking all grown-up:

Her hair is perfect. They must have sent her off with plenty of product.(HBO Macall B. Polay)

Even Trystane Martell can't resist touching it.(HBO Macall B. Polay)

Much of the action of season 5 takes place in Dorne, and introduces the Sand Snakes, fan-favorite characters from the books. First up, here's Obara Sand:

Scary Sand.(HBO Helen Sloan)

Nymeria Sand:

Posh Sand.(HBO Helen Sloan)

And Tyene Sand:

Sporty Sand.(HBO Macall B. Polay)

What do you think? Do these teasers get you more excited for the upcoming season, or have you been overexposed by this point? What if I told you that all of these characters die? Just kidding, I don't even know. I used to know, but then the show stopped killing the same characters who die in the books. Now I'm in the dark just like everyone else, and I don't like it. It makes me tense. I'm just going to watch these clips on repeat until I calm down. Valar morghulis, everybody!

But thanks for giving us one reason to go through Chapman's greatest hits again.

Kelly Clarkson makes great, fun pop music. Most of it is so danceable it's easy to forget the lady has got pipes. She really gives them a workout here, for Sirius XM's Hit 1, conjuring some of the magic from Tracy Chapman's 1995 hit "Give Me One Reason." The song is 20 years old, but it still feels timeless. Who hasn't had a person in their life that they'd welcome back with open arms if that person would just pretend to give a sh*t?

Hey, Kelly sounds great! Not as good as Tracy Chapman, though. If you want to take a walk down memory lane, enjoys the sights and sounds of a music video made when MTV still aired music videos.

If your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

"I'll never let go, Wu. I'll never let go."
(random photo of people on a bridge in China via Getty Images)

Wu Hsia of China's Zhejiang province now has the best story to tell his grandkids when they don't believe that he was ever a hot commodity.

"When I was a 21-year-old buck," he'll say, "two women were so desperate for my affections that they threw themselves simultaneously into a river, each in hopes that she would be the one I chose to save."

Three months ago, Wu broke up a long-term relationship with Jun Tang, 20, after meeting new love interest Rong Tsao, 22.

That's where it all went very, very rong.

Jun didn't take the breakup well, and began begging Wu to take her back and harassing Rong to leave Wu alone.

“I was sick of being nagged from both sides,” Wu told Chinese media, according to News.com.au.

“Rong was moaning about Jun and Jun was moaning about her and it all got too much. I became confused about who I wanted so I thought it would be best if we all met and talked about it."

If some dude dumped me for someone else and then complained about being confused, I'd throw him in the river instead of myself, but such is the folly of young love.

The trio agreed to meet at a park near a river, and that's when things went even ronger.

As Wu told the media,

“The girls began arguing and then Jun flipped and jumped off the bridge and straight into the water. She was calling for help but then Rong also leapt over saying it was her or my ex. I was completely dumbfounded about what was going on."

Don't just stand there Wu, think!

"But then I realized that I had to do something so..."

SOOOO?????

"I also jumped in, but to save Rong.”

Hard to say if he made the right choice. Both these girls seem kinda bat-shit. Then again, so is he.

Jun, covered in mud, escorted by Wu's very dapper brother. (via News.com.au)

According to the report, Wu managed to get Rong safely to shore, and then, instead of going back in to help Jun, he just left, calling his brother to come and help her out. Earlier that day he felt strongly about her enough to feel "confused," and now he is counting on his brother to show up so that she doesn't drown in a river?

Take note, Rong, this could be your future.

I'mma let you finish...actually, I'mma not gonna let you start.

Um, I'm pretty sure Kanye's "outspoken views on his music" are that his music is good?
(via Change.org)

The UK's annual Glastonbury Festival is one of the largest and most famous music events in the world. So, naturally, rapper, fashion designer and world-class showboat Kanye West was excited to be invited to perform on the main stage this year. Just as naturally, this has inspired a backlash among British rock fans. As of press time, about 60,000 of them have signed a petition organized by Neil Lonsdale to have West removed from the concert. It's probably fair to say that most of those 60,000 are pissy rock fans who don't want a rapper at a rock concert, but Lonsdale claimed that his reasoning was Kanye-specific:

My beef is not with the genre. My beef is with the stage and the fact it's a headline slot. [Kanye doesn't] represent anything. His songs are lyrically appalling. [He] totally disrespected Beck...[and] his Brits performance was just threatening.

However, that explanation falls a little flat considering that the "open letter" part of Lonsdale's petition consisted of a single, very clear sentence:

Yeah, not about rap at all. (via Change.org)

Here's that "threatening" BRITs performance, in case you missed it:

Apparently, rock and roll has never had pyrotechnics on stage (or more likely, a bunch of dudes in black hoodies "threatening" a crowd 100+ times their number), and apparently Taylor Swift is less easily threatened than thousands of Brits.

Lonsdale told NME that after buying his roughly $250 ticket, he was "ecstatic" to hear that the Foo Fighters would be headlining Friday night. When he discovered Kanye would be playing Saturday, however,

I fought the temptation to scream and instead opted to hurl my iPhone across the room. Two years ago we had The Rolling Stones playing the Saturday night, and this year we get Kanye West? It's an outrage!

It's not the rap! He's, uh, just not famous enough! Yeah, that's it!

How dare they let Kanye sully the history of fucked-up hippies in turtlenecks?
(via glastonburyfestivals.co.uk)

On an unrelated note, other headlining acts this year that no one has objected to include country-pop singer Taylor Swift, pop-R&B artist Lionel Richie, Rihanna, and of course, hard-rock icon Katy Perry. But those are fine with Lonsdale because they're really huge, unlike Kanye:

Glastonbury needs upbeat major artists. Glastonbury is an institution. It is expected that it has the biggest names. The biggest performers. Kanye does not represent that.

Ok, dude. You can say Kanye represents a lot of bad things and I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but bigness? There is literally nothing Kanye represents more than fame and bigness, which Lonsdale himself acknowledges later:

My petition started as a joke, and I never thought it would make a difference. I don't think it would make a difference if 200,000 people signed it. Anyway, Kanye's a big boy, I'm sure he can take a bit of banter. [I'm] pretty outspoken on my views about prejudices of all types. It doesn't matter if you're black, white, straight, gay. If you behave like Kanye, you've got to expect some opposition.

More believable when Noel Gallagher did it:

"My brother and I discussed it over headbutts, and we both agree rappers are awful."
(Getty Images)

Let's just take Lonsdale at his word for now and move on. The real question is why 60,000 other Brits signed the document. That seems an easier question, since objecting to A-list male rap stars at Glastonbury has a proud tradition that includes the mascot of all pissy British rock fans, Oasis's Noel Gallagher.

In 2008, Jay-Z was slated to headline at Glasto, and Noel made a big news stink by saying it was "wrong" for hip-hop to appear at a rock festival. "Festival royalty" Gallagher was quickly backed up by British tabloids who complained about Jay-Z being a former drug dealer. How did that protest from Noel Gallagher go over? Well, Jay-Z mockingly sang Wonderwall before going into an AC/DC-esque cover of 99 Problems, so I'd say it went pretty awesomely:

In conclusion, Kanye West is an egotistical blowhard whose fashion line isn't quite there yet. He's also inarguably one of the biggest performing artists in the world and about 1/10th the asshole that either Gallagher brother was. In terms of musical sales, his last album was a disappointment for only selling a million copies. I guess the real question is, if not Kanye, then who? Let's check back in with Lonsdale real quick:

I'm sure we could have got Fleetwood Mac for the same price.

Oh, yeah. This definitely isn't about rap. There's clearly so much cutting-edge rock out there that's being snubbed.

Number two cause of divorce? A relationship so flimsy that you're worried it can be ruined by wearing sweatpants.

These are also her pajamas. (via Getty Images)

In an interview with Extra, Eva Mendes explained that she doesn't wear casual gear at home, saying, "Ladies, number one cause of divorce in America: sweatpants!"

Sigh. I can't even get angry at Mendes. I just want to wrap her in a big hug and ask her what the hell happened in her previous relationships that made her think that if she isn't always dressed sexily, the relationship won't hold. (I would also tell her that they make some very sexy sweatpants these days.)

Maybe I should give Mendes the benefit of the doubt and assume that her point was that relationships take work, and if you stop making an effort, that's when a partnership suffers. If so, I agree. But a really good partner should also love and support you whether life is easy or difficult, whether things are good or bad, and whether you're wearing a skinny mini-dress or ratty sweatpants. If you're paranoid that looking like a schlub sometimes is a straight line to divorce, there's something wrong with your relationship.

You can watch the full interview with Eva, where she also promotes her new makeup line, on Extra's site.

Joel and Samantha just got hitched! You've probably seen every moment of their marriage so far on Facebook, but Someecards wanted to sit down with the couple and learn the secrets behind their fairy tale romance! Here's the exclusive interview with that happy couple on Facebook:

True love.

Someecards: So, only three months ago you two hadn't even started dating?

Samantha: No, but when you know you just know, you know?

Joel: It's been a great ride so far.

Samantha: Awwww

[kissing, unintelligible]

Someecards: What's a normal day like for you two?

Samantha: I wake up at 7 AM, and make us french press coffee. Then I take a pic of the dog. Then I take a picture of the coffee. Then I take a picture of the coffee, the newspaper, and the dog in the background. Then I wake up my man by telling him how much I love him and get a selfie of us in bed. Then I show him the picture of the dog and that makes him happy.

Joel: Sometimes I snap a photo of her phone with the dog photo on it and post that to my Instagram!

[Joel laughs, picks up his phone and reveals multiple pictures showing that he does this often]

Samantha: Then around 11 AM…

Someecards: Wait, do either of you have jobs?

Samantha: Yes, I'm a personal trainer and I see clients from home.

Joel: And I am currently living off my inheritance.

Samantha: It's not that much. Just enough to get every piece of furniture I see at Crate & Barrel. I find places to save though: like how I replaced all our glassware with mason jars.

Joel: I like them! They make it sort of challenging to drink. And I like a challenge. The struggle is real! Haha. Right?

Samantha: He makes me laugh. That's why I keep him around.

Someecards: So, around 11 AM, you walk the dog?

Samantha: Well, run the dog! I'm up to about a half marathon per day. I'll run a few more miles if my pre-workout selfie gets fewer likes than I expected.

Joel: I get so mad when I'm not the first to like them!

Someecards: What do you do while Samantha runs, Joel?

Joel: Well, I spend a good chunk of my morning applying for fellowships at graduate writing programs. I haven't written much in awhile but I've applied and been accepted to 15 or 20 already. So, I see which ones sent me a response, then get to work on the next application. Not sure where I want to go yet, but people seem excited when I write a post about which ones accepted me!

Samantha: Joel is very smart. We read together all the time.

Someecards: What kind of books do you like?

Samantha: UUUGH! I love so so so many. I can read a book a day.

Someecards: Wow! That's a lot. What are a few of your favorites?

Samantha: Oh, like anything really. I just really love books.

Joel: Yes. Books are terrific.

Someecards: But do any specifics come to mind?

Samantha: Yeah, well. Classics, you know? Like Harry Potter and Roald Dahl. I love them. They inspire me.

Joel: I just love the feel of a real book.

Someecards: What books do you like reading, Joel?

Joel: I've been too busy lately to read, but I do love the feel of them. Sometimes I'll look back through the old books I still have from college and post a photo of my favorite underlined quotes.

Samantha: And people absolutely LOVE when I post a few inspirational lines from Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss. If I had to pick a favorite that'd be it.

Someecards: So, you generally read in the afternoon after you run?

Samantha: Oh, no. By the afternoon, I'm teaching kickboxing and yoga in our studio in the basement. I do 3-4 hours with students, then about an hour of taking photos of my abs, then I shower, a few more photos…Sometimes I get my students to take the photos with me. I have better abs than most of the dudes in class.

Someecards: Do you ever get jealous, Joel?

Samantha: What's there to be jealous of? My man keeps me satisfied. You can tell from our constant post-coital selfies that I post at extremely random intervals throughout the day.

Joel: Yeah, I don't like to boast about something that personal online. There is way too much oversharing these days. I will, however, get as close as I can to telling complete strangers how many times I make love to my wife each day without actually writing it.

Samantha: I'd film it and post it everywhere if my parents wouldn't see it. That would show everyone what a healthy marriage looks like! Anyway, after class it's dinner time!

Joel: I'm the chef of the household!

Samantha: He's like that little Rat in Ratattattatt or whatever.

Joel: You're my little rat.

[kissing, unintelligible]

Joel: So, while she's running or teaching classes I'll start dinner. Usually I like to start cooking around 2 PM, 3 if it's something simple. Like clockwork, dinner is on the table at 8:00 PM sharp!

Someecards: What could possibly take that long?

Joel: We're completely green in this household, so I myself raise and kill anything we eat.

Samantha: It's mostly lobster.

Joel: Then after dinner we Netflix binge! We're almost completely done with our third viewing of the entirety of Friends!

Samantha: I got a little ahead of him the other day on Season 3.

Joel: Do it again and I'll kill you!

[Samantha laughs. Joel laughs after he realizes she's laughing]

Someecards: Do you ever argue? About something that's not Netflix I mean?

Samantha: No! What's there to fight about? We're so happy.

Joel: We're so deliriously happy.

Someecards: Well, do you ever talk to each other?

Samantha: Of course! I text him all the time from the studio.

Joel: We're talking right now, aren't we?

[a full minute of silence passes]

Someecards: So… You think you'll have children?

Samantha: Well...funny you should bring that up...

[Samantha holds up her phone with this photo posted on her Facebook profile]

Joel: [looking at his phone] Oh my God!!! I just liked your photo. This is amazing! I love you so much!

[They kiss and hug]

Joel: What should the hashtag for this pregnancy be? #BestBaby or #ExpectingTheUnexpected?

"I'm thirteen years old, man."

While it doesn't say so directly in the video, it's safe to assume Cole is returning from dental surgery based on his garbled speech and general state of confusion.

But losing a couple wisdom teeth is a minor issue compared to his sudden realization that he has lost two years. Cole's long, sad moment of reflection that follows his mom's insistence that he is really 15 years old is that of an old man who has just woken up from a twenty-year coma.

"How long was I in there?"

Centenarian in the air again.

You shouldn't get too down on yourself after watching this video of Georgina Harwood going skydiving to celebrate her 100th birthday. It's not like it's her first time or anything. Heavens, no! She's been doing this since she was a youthful 92-year-old girl. It's probably old hat to her now.

I'd like to think that if I somehow manage to make it to my one-hundredth birthday, I'd be brave enough to jump out of a plane. Which would make me about three-thousand times braver than I am now. (I still get a little antsy when I'm forced to use the top rung of my kitchen step ladder in order to reach the crock pot.)