Big Brother is actually Teenage Son.

Mike Cohen started recording his parents' meddling in 1985, and now those recordings have been given visual flair by animator Rodd Perry in this short. Mike Cohen describes his parents at the top kind of harshly, labeling his dad, "a grumpy old Jew."

They mostly sound like parents trying to get their kid to clean up his room, then getting derailed by an articulate argument for why cleaning represents the family's fear of difference. Just the kind of crap we all pulled on our folks to get out of tossing old magazines! Then they go back and forth about Cohen's time spent in record stores and how his dad hopes he grows up to be a "disc jockey." Spoiler alert: he did.

Recordings exist from age 12-28, so hopefully this is just the first in a series.

UNFOLLOW.

1. Scandal.

Everybody has had a night when they've had one too many fishbowls of wine, then taken to Facebook so vaguely allude to some dark pain, unspecified triumph, or ambiguous plans for the future. It's embarrassing in the morning, but that's why Mark Zuckerberg programmed a delete button. Television characters take the drama to the next level, because that's their job, and they ain't deleting nothing. Here's a round-up of some of your favorite protagonists' most attention hungry posts.

2. Game of Thrones.

Like, like, like.

3. Empire.

Why are you even friends?

4. House of Cards.

The writing was LITERALLY on the wall.

5. Black Mirror.

Huh, never saw this.

6. Downton Abbey.

Edith should just block her whole family, already.

7. Game of Thrones. Again. Get it together, guys.

8. The Slap.

Maybe.

My Frozen heart...thaws.

That's a good dad! @LondonUndergrou#london#frozen#olaf#elsa#beard#follow#england#dress#ladbible@LDNpic.twitter.com/6dkqWx4fyF
— Shaun Collins (@1986Sonny) March 17, 2015

This photo shows that very special time in a young girl's life, right before puberty, when her parents CANNOT embarrass her. It's brief, but you can get away with a lot of stuff, like riding the train dressed as Elsa with your marshmallow munchkin by your side. These two cuties were on their way to a Frozen singalong, but stopped to pose for some fans. Fans of the movie or just fans of really committing to a bit, whoever wanted to take a pic.

Let me be the moose, or whatever! (via Metro UK)

It's probably not a sex thing.

Maybe it's a sex thing? (via Barcroft TV)

Before you get any ideas that this class is a version of preschool activities for adults (not even sure what that would look like, but I'm picturing something along the lines of group therapy plus construction paper), be sure that it isn't. It is for adults who do preschool activities intended for children.

Amanda Devereux, who in her every day life is a high-powered litigator, took the Preschool Mastermind class run by Michelle Joni, AKA Miss Joni (dominatrix name, anyone?), and wrote about her experience for Cosmopolitan. Here is Amanda's description of an activity she participated in on her first day of preschool:

"We get up and stretch, and then we stomp around the room and do our best monster impressions while Miss Joni plays a song about monsters dancing on her laptop. I enjoy the roaring and the line about waving my claws about in the air. I make a mental note to look for the song on iTunes."

Ok?

A preschool for adults is, of course, weird, and putting it in NYC is even weirder. It is a city historically known to be one of the toughest places to exist (if you can make it here...). It is a city where you are supposed to grow the eff up, or else suffer an endless slog of dog walking jobs until you eventually say you "need to take care of your parents" and move back in with them in Wisconsin. The difficulty of the city, I guess, could be used as an argument for why adults would need a break, but it already comes replete with adult playtime options: the bars stay open until 4am and there are a Tinder-load of playmates ready for "nap time."

The only part of this that makes any sense is that the preschool is set in hipster-centric Brooklyn, in a neighborhood chock-full of adult children dressing like toddlers.

If this is making you sick, we will have the nurse call your parents to take you home.
(via Barcroft TV)

The Millennial Generation is the first to have also acquired a sub-category: the Boomerang Generation, adults who move back in with their parents after failing to take care of themselves on their own. The next step for this generation, I guess, is to start all over at preschool.

Naturally, this kind of adult babying is ripe for mockery.

And for those who are so disgusted by the school that mocking isn't enough, comedian and concerned citizen Nick Mullen has set up this GoFundMe campaign specifically to shut the whole thing down.

"Help me ruin this before it's too late." (via GoFundMe)

As of this posting, he is $175 of the way toward his $500 goal of "shitting [his] pants and acting like a giant fucking baby."

In an interview with Barcroft TV, Miss Joni, who went to school for childhood education, swears her class is not about changing diapers and "adult baby play."

But... it's a sex thing, right?

"That's not what this is." (via Barcroft TV)

When people tell her they can finger paint on their own, she says, "that's fine, go finger paint on your own." When people tell her this is a weird thing to do, she says, "You're probably right."

What is definitely weird about all of this is the price. The $500 goal set by Mullen is for the cost of tuition for this class. Real live adults who must manage their expenses in a city with one of the highest costs of living are spending huge chunks of their paychecks on this. According to a report by ABC,

"Adult preschool -- not unlike New York City's preschool's for children, doesn't come cheap. Payment for the class is on a sliding scale ranging from $333 to $999. Joni said that 'preschool is all about choice. I want them [the students] to feel good about the choice they're making.'"

That's a lot of money for someone to teach you how to, as Miss Joni puts it, "look at the world with a new sense of curiosity."

I could point you in the direction of some very skilled NYC dominatrixes who would be willing to infantilize you for way less.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the parking lot.

You never know when the opportunity will arise to be a hero. YouTube user Patrick Smith clearly had no idea that it would happen while he was taking a smoke break in an empty parking lot. The important thing, however, is that he didn't back down from his destiny.

In case you're curious, Smith identifies the bird as a killdeer. If you already knew that, well done.

You squeeze nothing, Jon Snow.

This is a #GameOfThrones "Hug Buddy". No, we're not sure what that means either. pic.twitter.com/EaMoouVSIf

— Empire Magazine (@empiremagazine) March 23, 2015

Different types of publications get different types of reader submissions. For instance, we at Someecards* got "pepper dick." Empire Magazine got this "Hug Buddy" in the mail, much to their bafflement.

On its face, the purpose of this half torso dressed in Watchmen's Black is to have a companion as you binge-watch Game of Thrones. If one thing leads to another...nobody has to know.

*We'd LOVE to get one of these in the mail.

His life is flashing before our eyes.

In just six minutes, Tom Hanks goes through all his famous roles to the delight of everyone in the audience of The Late Late Show with James Corden. Until he gets to Philidelphia, because there are no jokes to be made about that movie and everyone gets sad for a second.

Everything else is just a delightful skip down memory lane, with lots of songs and wigs to wear along the way. He nails the flailing arms of Woody from Toy Story, who was an animated cowboy doll, not actually played by human man Tom Hanks in the movie. What a talent!

At the end of last year, I decided I needed to lose weight.

My twin babies had become twin toddlers and we were all sleeping a lot more consistently. I could no longer justify ordering pizza three times a week because I was afraid I would fall asleep on the hot stove while cooking. I had time to wake up and make my lunch, instead of spending the first half of my work day fretting over whether I was going to run over to Wendy's or McDonald's for lunch before ultimately deciding to go to both.

After doing the least amount of research possible, I decided that the Paleo diet was what I was looking for. I Amazon Primed the three cheapest books I could find on the subject.

I immediately started telling everyone about my new lifestyle choice, thinking that I would either be: a) more successful if I knew I would disappoint everyone by failing, or b) able to go on the most epic junk food binge of my life fueled by the knowledge that I had let everyone down. The one unexpected flaw in my plan is that I opened myself up to a barrage of annoying thoughts and opinions from all the dumb people in my life.

1. "Why are you doing that?"

This is the first question anybody on a diet gets asked, and its intention is all over the place. Best case scenario, you're being asked by a dipshit new-agey hippie who is really trying to say, "You don't have to lose weight cause we're all beautiful creatures, and it's what's inside that counts, groovy baby." Nice thought. But what's inside is a heart that is pumping double-time to carry the extra person that I've become over the last 10 years. So yes, inner beauty is great, but most of the fat I'm trying to lose is also on the inside.

The more likely reason someone is asking "Why are you doing that?" is because they know about the Paleo diet, and they don't like it. It's not fun. You're cutting out grains, sugar, and dairy. When you attempt to go Paleo, you're voluntarily giving yourself a gluten allergy, diabetes, and lactose intolerance. People who are anti-Paleo are focusing on all the stuff that you can't eat. That's not how to approach this. It's about substitutions. You can't eat peanut butter, so try almond butter. You can't eat bread, so put your hamburger between two pieces of lettuce. Missing chocolate chip cookies? Have a handful of raw, unsalted almonds, and if you're feeling extra naughty, salt them with the tears that are always streaming down your face. If you're going to have any success on the Paleo diet, you have to sacrifice, and most people just aren't willing to do that.

2. "On Weight Watchers, you can eat whatever you want."

One of the least helpful pieces of advice you can offer someone who starts a new diet is to suggest they try a different diet. Especially Weight Watchers. People act like it's a secret diet that you've never heard of before. I tried Weight Watchers Online. It wasn't for me. It's a calculator diet. Everything you eat has a point value, and you're allowed a certain number of points per day. You add up all the points that you ate that day, and if you go over, oopsie. Try again tomorrow. I'm bad at math. I spent a half hour trying to figure out the points on a piece of apple pie. I did the math wrong. I ate two pieces of apple pie.

You're allowed to eat whatever you want, but what I want to eat is garbage. I can't manage a diet where I'm allowed ice cream as long as I exhibit self-control. I have no self-control. I got to where I am by being able to eat whatever I want. For Weight Watchers to work, you have to go to meetings and I'm not a meetings guy. I'm super competitive and I lie. I'd go in and be like, "How'd I do? I ate three points all week and I worked out 8 hours a day. That's how I did. Why did I put on 25 pounds? Ummm, that's called muscle, baby. Ever hear of it?"

3. "I thought you'd know better than to fall prey to a hipster diet fad."

This is the strangest reaction I've had to my adoption of the Paleo lifestyle. Because you're allowed (and occasionally encouraged) to eat bacon, there is an assumption that the Paleo diet pairs nicely with beards and PBR. This is not a new diet. The very idea of the diet is based on the diet of cavemen in the Paleolithic Era. By eliminating everything that a caveman couldn't eat, the idea is that we are returning to our dietary roots as a species. While I can't explain the recent surge in popularity, the idea that you should only eat high quality meats, fish, fruits, and vegetables is not new.

When I was accused of jumping on a fad, my accuser said, "If you want to lose weight, just eat meat, fish, fruits, and vegetables. This Paleo diet is nonsense." My nose almost started bleeding I was so confused. You've literally just described the Paleo diet but you didn't give it a cool hip name. I started doing the Paleo diet because the food was most similar to what I was feeding my children. My wife and I were giving our babies only organic vegetables and fruits, cage-free eggs, etc... and then we would eat quick garbage. That's a big reason I chose the Paleo diet. It wasn't because I thought I'd fit in with the fat National.

4. "Do you want to grab a quick bite to eat?"

Yes. Yes I do want to grab a quick bite to eat. Unfortunately, the Paleo diet is not really designed for spur-of-the-moment dining. Because the core of the Paleo diet involves giving up the majority of processed foods, dining out becomes a real hassle. You can forget about anything with a drive-thru window. Just to be extra cautious, I don't even go to banks with drive-up tellers for fear that my subconscious will take me to the McDonald's drive-thru, and I'll have to order something so as not to appear rude.

And if you're going to a fancy sit down eatery with tables and chairs and all, make sure you have two hours to inspect the menu online before arriving because the patience of your friends and loved ones is going to wear thin as you ask the waiter for the fifth time if the chef could use coconut oil instead of vegetable.

Paleo is about preparation and adjusting to sameness. Every Sunday, I spend three hours hollowing out tomatoes so I can feel them with onions, peppers, and scrambled eggs. That's what I eat every morning for breakfast. Is it tasty? I don't know. I really don't. Taste doesn't matter. So when a friend says, "Hey do you want to get something to eat?" I just say "no" and eat the same exact things I ate yesterday.

5. Political statements from the left and the right regarding GMOs and natural foods.

On occaison, I will go to a farmer's market that's located inside the oldest bottling plant in the United States. I used to go as an excuse to buy a case of their locally made craft soda, but now that I'm eating Paleo, I look around at all the fresh and natural food, and I sometimes buy it. I ran into a woman there who was also eating Paleo, and she started going on and on about the horrors of factory farming and GMOs and Monsanto. She told me the names of the two and a half documentaries that everyone who politicizes food for the left watches, and I just nodded politely while I dreamed of Snickers bars.

I am all for the ethical treatment of animals, and I choose to give my kids as much organic and natural food as I can. However, I am not eating Paleo for any kind of political reason. I am doing it because I'm fat, and I would like to be less fat. I haven't been moved by anything I've seen on Netflix Streaming. I ate like garbage for 31 years and have decided to eat less garbage.

The other political extreme is worse. "Grass-fed beef is a crock. Beef is beef. Obama..." Ok. We're done. I was unaware that your support of my diet choice was going to lead down the anti-Obama road, but you guys are magic that way. I'm eating Paleo because it was the first book I bought. If the book tells me to buy expensive fresh meat, I'm buying the stupid expensive fresh meat because I'm too tired from being alive to think on my own.

6. "You're doing Paleo. That's great. Me too. Here are 10 recipes every day forever, new friend!"

Sticking to a diet is hard, and it's even harder to stick to a diet when you are on your own. Sometimes though, the solitary approach is preferable. The one thing that can be said about people who live the Paleo lifestyle is that they sure do love talking about it. I think one of the biggest factors of success with the Paleo diet is that you don't have time to eat because you're too busy talking about how Paleo you are. Having support around you is great, but having too much support can really turn the tables.

Since starting this diet, I've been added to at least 10 email lists and Facebook groups. I get recipe clippings left on my desk. I get emails directly from other Paleos who must have a Google alert set up for anytime something with the word "Paleo" gets published. I have my one book with the three or four recipes that I know how to cook. I'm sure that recipe for blackened sea bass with a ginger honey reduction and fennel puree is delicious, but I'm also not a contestant on Top Chef, and I have no idea what any of those words mean when put together like that. Please accept my apathetic grunts as an adoption of the caveman language as well.

7. "You're doing Paleo? You'd love Crossfit!"

No.

While I do need to start incorporating more exercise into my life, I do not need another pseudo-cult to obsess over. I'm sure a separate article could be written on the annoying things people say to Crossfitters, but it is not going to be written by me.

(images via Sean Sullivan)

1. Angelina Jolie Made A Hard Decision In Order To Protect Our Supply Of Angelina Jolie

Actress/filmmaker/professional-attractive-person Angelina Jolie is one of our nation's greatest natural resources, so it came as a terrible shock to people everywhere when she revealed in a New York Times editorial today that she had her ovaries removed due to a cancer risk. Jolie—who underwent a preventive double mastectomy in 2013—explained the decision for surgery that she made after doctors found signs that could point to early-stage cancer: "There was still a chance of early stage cancer, but that was minor compared with a full-blown tumor. To my relief, I still had the option of removing my ovaries and fallopian tubes and I chose to do it." Hopefully, her choice will keep the Angelina flowing for years to come.

I would do exactly what Angelina Jolie has done if I were in her position (except I would also make Brad fix his fug personal grooming.)

— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) March 24, 2015

2. Fictional Sociopathic Murder President More Popular Than Obama

Americans would rather have make-believe President Francis Underwood leading the nation than the actual real-life person currently doing the job, according to an incredibly scientific and non-silly poll from Reuters-Ipsos. 57 percent of respondents had a favorable opinion of the character Kevin Spacey plays on House of Cards, while only 46 percent had a favorable opinion of the one Barack Obama plays on the news. Both, however, were beat by futuristic space President Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica, who garnered a 78 percent approval rating.

A new poll says Frank Underwood is more popular than Obama. Maybe he just needs to push the GOP in front of an oncoming train.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) March 23, 2015

3. George Zimmerman Is Kind Of Like Anne Frank, Says George Zimmerman

In a recently recorded interview with Florida attorney Howard Iken, celebrity vigilante George Zimmerman revealed that his only regret surrounding the 2012 shooting of teenage hoodie-wearer Trayvon Martin is that everybody in the world—but especially President Obama—acted without thinking in their decision to attack him with their meanness. Don't worry, though. Much like another icon of peace and understanding, Zimmerman has seen fit to forgive us all, explaining that he believes that "people are truly good at heart, as Anne Frank has said, and I will put myself in any position to help another human in any way I can."

George Zimmerman accuses President Obama of stalking him, sneaking up behind him and starting a fight while he was minding his own business.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) March 24, 2015

4. You Can Now Die By Firing Squad In Utah, Which Is Slightly Preferable To Living In Utah

Utah Gov. Gary Herbert signed a bill yesterday which makes it legal once again for the state to execute prisoners by propelling hot shards of metal directly into their hearts. While many critics decry firing squads as retrograde and gruesome, supporters are hailing the practice as a simple and speedy way to get out of the state.

Do you find the death penalty not *barbaric enough*? Great news! RT @davewiner Utah to resume firing squad executions http://t.co/N3r014Ojyz

— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) March 24, 2015

5. The World Comes One Step Closer To Getting Abused Circus Woolly Mammoths

A team of geneticists at Harvard University has managed to reassemble the full DNA of a woolly mammoth by replicating genes from the extinct pachyderm and inserting them into the genome of an Asian elephant. If all goes well, this might give humanity an opportunity to pick up where it left off three millennia ago making the animal's life a living hell.

So they're trying to clone the woolly mammoth, did we learn nothing from jurassic park?

— Sofie (@sofiepd112) March 24, 2015

It's what Jesus would have wanted.

If this one is hollow, I want my money back.(via VeryFirstTo)

Easter is many things to many people. It's one of the holiest Christian holidays, marking the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It also incorporates many pagan elements that are thousands of years old. And if you're not a religious person, it's still an opportunity to celebrate the return of spring with adults and children alike. One thing Easter has never been, however, is an opportunity to ball out of control. Until now.

Legendary confectioner Martin Chiffers, the former chef décor of Harrods, has teamed up with 77 Diamonds and VeryFirstTo to create "The World's Most Extravagant Easter Bunny."

"Would you like to taste our bunny?"(via VeryFirstTo)

The 15-inch-tall, 11-pound bunny is made of 75% Tanzanian chocolate, and contains an estimated 584,000 calories. The eggs at its feet are painted with real gold leaf, and its eyes are studded with two 1.70 carat round brilliant diamonds provided by 77 Diamonds. The company has also offered to set the stones into a bespoke piece of jewelry once you're done eating the bunny, which will keep for up to two years if properly stored.

I felt like Donald Trump writing that description. "This is the finest bunny luxury can buy. Every other Easter bunny is for losers."

It does seem like an ostentatious item, considering the significance of Easter, but I'm probably a hypocrite for even saying so. If I had the money, I'd buy it. For now, though, I'll continue my Easter tradition of burying myself in Peeps and Cadbury Eggs and eating my way out.

They're like the Michael Jordan of iMovie.

I've seen some amazing trick shot compilations in my day, but this one from Slam the Slammer beats them all. The style, the creativity, the athleticism… I mean, every single shot goes in the same way. Nothing but net. That's not just talent, that's consistency. The only tricks they don't pull off are the double dunk and the exploding ball.

If you ask me, every one of these kids is headed for the NBA. Or film school. It's up to them, but we'll all be watching.

Hopefully, Chris Carter will use this opportunity to make up for the pile of poop that was the second 'X-Files' film.

"So we're really doing this, Scully?" "Shut up, Mulder, I'm on the phone." (via Getty Images)

You guys, 13-year-old me is doing cartwheels right now, and 31-year-old me would be doing cartwheels if she could remember how to do a cartwheel properly without falling on her ass: The X-Files is returning to Fox for a six-episode miniseries. Shooting will begin this summer. My fangirl excitement begins now.

The X-Files was a key part of my development as a human and a weirdo, and I really hope that Carter and crew don't screw this up. Just don't do that crisis of faith thing from I Want to Believe again, Carter. Bring back the inbred family from "Home!" Bring back the aggression-causing worms from "Ice!" Hell, Carter, you can have Scully running a circus sideshow with Tooms, the Flukeman, and the tail guy from "Small Potatoes" for all I care, as long as this miniseries goes back to some of the scary, weird stuff that made the show great.

I am also stoked for this because the last few years have proved what an absolutely incredible actress Gillian Anderson is. She's great on The Fall. She's great on Hannibal. And she was really funny on that episode of The Nerdist Podcast. Did you know she was 24 when she started on The X-Files?

Well, I have to go dig out my old box of X-Files fan club stuff. This is not a joke. It is in my basement, and it includes a glossy 8x10 image of a fetus in a jar.

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?!

Post by Daniel Podolsky.

This story hits close to home because I, too, own a Broad F*cking City shirt and hate being told what to do. However, if you don't already think that airplane security can do whatever it wants to you with zero repercussions, then you haven't noticed yourself removing your shoes, getting patted down by strangers and finally receiving a radiation blast across all your organs at the entrance of every airport in America. Turning your shirt inside out actually sounds like small potatoes after all that.

Daniel Podolsky was traveling to Chicago from Dallas when his plane had to land in the quaint, moral town of St. Louis because of emergency weather conditions. When he went to re-board his flight, he was stopped by security for wearing a shirt that sported the word, "f*cking." As this is generally considered a curse word, he was asked to change his shirt or disguise it, perhaps with a cummerbund or Ted Cruz campaign buttons. NO F*CKING WAY. And that's how he ended up on the no-fly list.

Even though this guy was inconvenienced by pearl-clutching prudes (or inconvenienced himself by making this shirt issue an issue), this is probably the greatest moment in his life. It means Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer may have actually heard of him!

Strong words, soft animals.

They may be tiny, they may be fluffy, they may have been rescued from all over Australia, but one thing the assorted baby buddies (and bunnies) of Edgar's Mission are not unsure of is their supreme cuteness.

This collection of footage of the many species of cute that have been rescued and brought to Edgar's claims to be the Happiest Video Ever. Seeing as the only way I could imagine improving it is having the viewer sucked into the screen and transported to the world of baby animals, I have to grudgingly agree.

A poorly-Photoshopped picture is worth a thousand misspelled words.

Amazon's Kindle Store has become a godsend to struggling authors around the world. In the past, countless manuscripts languished forever in a drawer, just because no publisher would take a risk on them. But on the Kindle Store, there is no risk! No book is too niche, too weird, too kinky, or too poorly edited to be released worldwide, for anyone with a kindle and $3 to enjoy. In addition to the explosion of creativity among authors, this has led to a renaissance of cover art. Now, the editor of Kindle Cover Disasters has collected the best of the best in a convenient Tumblr blog. Check out these gems (warning, some are NSFW):

Are those kids the brothers, the bullies, or the bad guys? Or all 3? The bear could be the bad guy. The girl probably isn't a brother. Now I have to read it!(via Kindle Cover Disasters)

Am I the only one not familiar with this old myth?(via Kindle Cover Disasters)

Young people just don't know how to dress for a sex party.(via Kindle Cover Disasters)

"Danial save me from hippo bite." –The New York Times Book Review(via Kindle Cover Disasters)

Is that how it works? (via Kindle Cover Disasters)

It's like 'Game of Thrones' with gardening tools. (via Kindle Cover Disasters)

I already read this one, but I'll buy it again if it's the Author's Definitive Edition.(via Kindle Cover Disasters)

It's nice to see some of these are more innocent. I wonder what's next… (via Kindle Cover Disasters)

Well, you can't win 'em all. Unless you're Chuck Tingle, that is. (via Kindle Cover Disasters)

Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow generously shares her love of the good life with everyone because she's selfless in ways you cannot possibly understand, you commoner.

First up: Someone who makes actual American money taking photos of your aura, aka “the electromagnetic field surrounding the body." Apparently, there are about 100 cameras in existence that can capture this “radiant energy" using “silver-laced hand sensors that sit in your lap" and every color means something different and oh my god there isn't a word in that sentence that doesn't already have tickets to this year's Burning Man festival.

Anyway, here are the shots the photographer took of the GOOP staff using the magical mystical camera. Note Gwyneth is the only one with a yellow aura, which supposedly means she's easygoing, expansive and creative. LOL at “easygoing."

Moving on, Our Lady of Goop blesses all of womankind with “10 Ways To Have a Pain-Free Pregnancy," which includes bon mots like “slather yourself in sweet almond oil at every opportunity," “get reflexology on your feet" (but not your ankles because THAT KILLS PUPPIES or something) and “any time you think of it, drop onto all fours." Also, you shouldn't eat anything you actually want but should definitely avoid stress and “let go of perfect." (Oh, Gwyneth. You do amuse.)

Having never been knocked up myself, I asked some moms I know to comment on these pearls of wisdom. “Well, I could start with the title of the piece," my friend Maura told me, “because unless the rest of the article is 'be the guy,' there's no such thing." So.

Finally, we have a guide to packing for spring break. The basis of this article is sound—pack only versatile pieces that work in several ways to cut down on how much stuff you need, and you can probably fit a week's worth of clothes in a carry-on. I haven't checked a bag in years using this very rule. Barring the $600 suitcase Gwynnie suggests (and the $90 tank top she wants you to put in it), all of this makes a lot of sense.

Until you get to what she recommends you wear on the plane.

What, you just wear yoga pants, flip-flops and your favorite Beastie Boys tee? Okay that's me, but you know you're not schlepping through airports in anything much fancier.

Unless, of course, you're Gwyneth Paltrow, who apparently suits up $265 silk pants, $820 kicks and a $90 tee, topped off with a $628 cashmere hoodie and a $755 gabardine blazer. Oh, and don't forget the cotton scarf (it's only $158 and come on, you've gone this far). Grand total: $2700 and change. But hey, at least you didn't have to pay that onerous checked-baggage fee – so it's pretty much a wash.

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.