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Who wants to see Ryan Reynolds dressed as Deadpool lounging in a bearskin rug?

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This charming psychopath.

Prepare yourselves, fellow nerds. You're about to behold one the sexiest images of the year: our first official look at Ryan Reynolds in his Deadpool costume.

If that arousing image fails to get the blood pumping into your nerd organs, it might just be that you're woefully unfamiliar with the character that Reynolds will be bringing to life onscreen. So, I'm going to prescribe one viewing of this leaked test footage (featuring Reynolds' voice, if not his body) that convinced 20th Century Fox to take a chance on a wise-cracking, cold-blooded assassin:


Now go back and look at the fireplace picture again and tell me if you feel any movement. (Warning: If your excitement lasts more than four hours, consult a Dr. Strange.)


Article 12

Man takes a crap while on witness stand, you'll never guess what happens next!

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Jesus's mom said I should do it.


The Agony and the Excrement-cy. (via KSBY)

Andrew Gilbertson stood trial Wednesday for the 2013 robbery of a Bank of America in San Luis Obispo, CA. According to KSBY, Gilberston was giving his testimony on the witness stand when court had to be called for recess because the defendant "ate his own feces."

Well... shit.

As Gilbertson explained in his testimony, the Virgin Mary told him to dress up and rob the bank. Then, while on the stand, that same Virgin instructed him to reach into his pants, pull out a dookie, and chow down. If you've already guessed that he was seeking a "not guilty by insanity" plea, you win a prize (but that prize might be poop).

Gilberston is not currently on anti-psychotic medication, but that bandage on his head is, according to a mental health expert who observed him, from Gilbertson hitting himself in an attempt to "get the voices out."

Poor guy.

It could be speculated that the crap consumption was just a stunt to impress the judge and jury, but if that was the case, he went above and beyond the call of doody. There are a lot of ways to prove you're crazy that don't include being a one-man human centipede.

If I might be one of the voices in Gilbertson's head for a moment, here's a list of things that aren't his own poop that he could have eaten to win an insanity plea:

- keys

- a wad of paper

- a ring

- someone else's poop

But why listen to me? I'm no saint. If you can't afford Robert Durst's legal team, I feel like Jesus's mom has got to be a close second. Stay the course, Gilbertson. If the Holy Mother was right about getting pregnant without having sex, then maybe she's right about robbing banks and eating your own poop.

Lululemon's "Anti-Ball-Crushing" pants ruined my day by making me think about sexism.

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I was just sitting here, thinking about myself. Things were great. Then Lululemon thought about me, and now I'm angry about society.


Pictured: A man whose comfort is carefully considered by corporations that aren't trying to convince him to display his ass and genitals to everyone in town. (via Lululemon)

Lululemon's ABC (anti-ball-crushing) pants for men are a huge hit, driving a 16% increase in sales last quarter. Basically, they just claim to have extra room in the ball area. The pants are also made with some moisture-wicking bullshit, six pockets (six fucking pockets?) and reflectors under the cuffs for when you're biking to and from yoga because you're a dude who buys Lululemon and that's exactly what you're doing, isn't it? I suspect that most of the people buying these pants don't even need any extra genital room, they just want to claim they do.

Don't do this to me, Lululemon. Don't design a product that I really like in theory but ends up accidentally making a lot of points about male privilege that I don't want to deal with on a Friday. I wasn't thinking about my privilege at all today. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I was just thinking about me, god dammit. It was great! YOU RUINED THAT.

Reminder: this is the same company.

You're really telling me that your entire business model up until 2015 was trying to make as many women's asses as visible as possible to as much of the human population as possible, and now you're turning around and saying, "let's think about what men's balls really need"? I don't mean to get all Chandler Bing on you, but could you be any more of a walking symbol of how differently the world treats you depending on your crotch accessories.?

"Ladies! Learn how to take off your shirt:"

I mean, I love looking at yoga pants, because I'm a biological being, but that doesn't mean I don't realize I'm being handed a smorgasbord of glutes because society is weird. I realize a lot of women love showing off their toned butts, and I'm all for that. Nevertheless, as a whole, this situation is weird. I don't want to tell women not to wear yoga pants because I don't want women to be told what to wear. But aren't I also supposed to agree that women are oversexualized? Gah! FUCK YOU, LULULEMON! TOMORROW IS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY AND I WANT TO THINK ABOUT ME.

This man is fighting with two dragon dicks and he somehow avoids sexualization:

I'm even more surprised, because Lululemon is no longer run by the unbelievably awful bastard who founded it, Chip Wilson. In case you think I'm kidding, let me just remind you that he named his company "Lululemon" because he thought it would be funny to hear Japanese women struggle to say all the "L" sounds. Lululemon doesn't make large sizes because then large women might be seen in them. When people criticized the pants as low-quality because the fabric kept pilling (making those little balls), he blamed it on women's bodies and said certain women don't "work for it" and the problem was their thighs rubbing together. Finally, when a line was again criticized for simply being poorly made (it became see-through when stretched), he again basically said it was because women were too fat.

You're not even trying, here.

So, I'm not crazy. This company was almost definitely founded in part to give Chip Wilson more female butts to look at every day. Now, I guess, men need some room in their pants so they can feel more comfortable while staring. Meanwhile, my balls are tangled in the seam of my jeans and I'd kill for a company that wasn't founded by a piece of human garbage to make this product instead.

We're afraid that this is actually the title of the 'Walking Dead' spinoff.

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"They're calling it what?!" (via AMC)

The Walking Dead is such a conundrum. Is it the shittiest great show on television, or the greatest shitty show on television? Who knows?! It's so frustrating! Sometimes it's great, and other times it's very, very not great.

The good news is that we've got a second zombie apocalypse show coming from the people behind The Walking Dead, so hopefully the two shows will take turns being good. The bad news is that this is what they've decided to call it:

Fear the Walking Dead? That can't be right, can it? I'm not buying it until I see the show's official logo. Oh wait, what's this here?


(via TV Line)

Does this even count as a new title? Can you just put one word in front of a title and call it a day? I can make a list of ten titles just as good as this one with about two minutes worth of work. Wanna see?

1. The Walking Deux
2. More the Walking Dead
3. The Other Walking Dead
4. The Walking Other Dead
5. The Walking Dead 2: Still Walking
6. The Walking Dead 2: Still Dead
7. Another Show About Some Walking Dead
8. The Walking Exquisite Corpses
9. The Walking Dead: Age of "Avengers: Age of Ultron"
10. Putrid Perambulating Re-Animated Cadavers

AMC, you officially have my permission to use any of those for the spinoff of the spinoff.

You can own this dick-shaped house if you've got the balls.

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This modernist 1958 house for sale in Australia has a very suggestive design when seen from above.


It's not that spacious, but size doesn't matter.(via Daily Telegraph)

If you live near Sydney, Australia, and you're looking for the ultimate bachelor pad, you're in luck. This handsome 4-bedroom house just went on the market, and its unique design is sure to impress any overnight guests. Just give it a quick wipe-down before they come over, and they're yours.

That's because this 1958 Modernist structure is undeniably shaped like a penis. It was designed by acclaimed architect Stan Symonds, but it's not clear if he knew what he was doing at the time, or if his sexual frustration just came out this way. Either way, we have him to thank for this one-of-a-kind unit.


It looks less like a dick from this angle. Slightly.(via Daily Telegraph)

Although some buyers are turned off by the house's peculiar shape, others are intrigued. Very intrigued. In fact, the property is so irresistible, it's expected to sell for more than $1.1 million AUD. That's enough to give any real estate broker a semi. Check out these images of the interior, which are surprisingly SFW:


The living room (balls) has plenty of space to store your furniture, books, and sperm.
(via Daily Telegraph)


The kitchen (base) is often overlooked, but needs attention too.(via Daily Telegraph)


In the head, you'll find the master bedroom (mastur bateroom), the perfect place to get a relaxing night's sleep. You'll practically spurt out of bed in the morning!(via Daily Telegraph)

If you'd like more photos, there are literally millions all over the internet. Happy house hunting!

An abandoned pit bull was found nursing a newborn kitten on a roadside, and now they're inseparable.

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Because there is no better way to celebrate the end of the week than seeing a gentle dog care for a kitten.

"Pitty and Kitty" would be a great name for a 1970s easy-listening group. Those are also the names given to a just-born kitten and pit bull that were recently found on the side of the road in Texas. Now the inseparable pair are providing enough cuteness to power at least 10 remakes of The Adventures of Milo and Otis.

When the duo was brought in to the Mercy Animal Clinic in Garland, Texas, the staff discovered that the kitten — which was under 10 days old — had actually been feeding off of the pit bull's mammaries. But the pit's milk had just run dry, and according to Mercy Animal Clinic veterinarian Dr. Rick Hamlin, the kitten would likely have died within 24 hours had someone not brought it in.

Now both animals are in good health, and the kitten is being bottle fed. But Pitty still helps during feeding time by cleaning and "stimulating" the kitten. They're trying to find an owner for the duo now, with the stipulation that they can't be split up. But what kind of dummy would want to do that?

Start your weekend early: you can now play Mario 64 in your "Bowser" window.

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You can play the first level, anyway, but that's still what blew us all away in 1996.

Yeah, that's right. A computer science student named Roystan Ross gifted the world today with a browser-based (Bowser-based, lol) version of the first level of Super Mario 64, the genre-defining 3D platforming game that shipped with the Nintendo 64 and was the first of its kind to find mass success.


Nothing says "browser-based gaming" like awkward keyboard controls!
(screengrab via SuperMario64HD)

You can play it here. If it's not working (it was overwhelmed with traffic before), head to Roystan's blog and download the desktop version.


See? It's in a browser!(screengrab via SuperMario64HD)

In fact, the game looks a lot better than it did in 1996, since this uses HD textures from Super Mario Galaxy. The game is free and was created by Ross as a proof-of-concept project for his Super Character Controller, based on the the Unity 3D engine. A desktop version can also be downloaded, although it was designed to be played online. There are some minor differences, which Ross explains:

Demonstration project for the Super Character Controller, a recreation of Super Mario 64's first level, Bob-Omb Battlefield. Everything is just as you remember, except some really minor stuff that nobody cared about like red coins or the Wing Cap or the Big Bob-omb. Replacing them are crowd pleasers like giant springs and coin blocks.

It's Friday afternoon, and although your body is in your office chair, we both know that your mind is already jumping into a painting/gateway to obtaining the missing stars of your work-life balance...or something...this metaphor is breaking down...

YOU CAN PLAY MARIO 64 IN YOUR WEB BROWSER! WAHOO!


This week in celebrity Instagrams: E.T., teeth, and breasts.

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From sharing gory dental surgery (thanks, Miley) to E.T. rocking the stage at an Usher show, here's what you might've missed this week from celebrity Instagrams.


A video posted by Usher (@howuseeit) on

1. Usher on Stage With E.T.

For reasons I do not know, Usher picked up a life-size, life-like model of E.T. somewhere on his recent URX tour. Since then, the alien has been popping up all over his Instagram, doing things like drinking, playing the trumpet, and reenacting the classic E.T. bicycle escape scene, but on a gold-trimmed Segway. Usher, please never explain any of this. It's better that way.


Babies are like tiny zombies, right? (Image via Norman Reedus on Instagram)

2. Norman Reedus from "The Walking Dead" supports breastfeeding at HorrorHound Weekend.

Or, at the very least, he supports breasts. According an interview with the woman on the right, Tammie Hamed, "Norman was taking all of his pictures with the plastic 'boob'. He laughed about all the boobs and babies. We casually mentioned that it didn't bother us because we nurse. He thought that was awesome and we offered to take a nursing pic with him!"


Dinner is served. (Image via Hoda Kotb on Instagram)

3. Hoda Kotb makes microwave popcorn for dinner, and everyone assumes it's burnt.

Hoda, the wine-drinking Kathie Lee buddy from Today, posted this picture to Instagram with the simple note "Dinner is served." OK, fine. But then all of her followers for some reason assumed that she burnt the popcorn:


A gold star to anyone who can explain what "You can also do f) avoid ans mske it YOUR WAY" means. (Image via Hoda Kotb on Instagram)

That popcorn does not look burnt. Do all of Hoda's fans just assume that she's a screw-up who would burn her popcorn dinner?


What a cute couple of blurry shapes. (Image via Kim Kardashian on Instagram)

4. Kanye hires a photographer to take "thousands" of pictures of him and Kim, but still there's this.

We all post a bad, blurry picture now and again, the sort of picture that looks like it was taken by the same guy who photographed Bigfoot. But Kim posted this picture on the same week that US Weekly reported that Kanye hires a photographer for him and Kim who "takes thousands of shots a day, and Kanye pores over almost all of them." Couldn't one of those pictures replace this on the gram?


It's like someone took a "Wrecking Ball" to Miley's teeth. Thank you, I'll be here until the end of this post! (Image via Miley Cyrus on Instagram)

5. Miley Cyrus's Bloody Teeth

Miley Cyrus got five teeth pulled this week, so obviously she posted a picture of them to Instagram, where the pic received 229,000 likes. There are people who are raving about how gross the photo is, but if a picture of your old teeth would get 229,000 likes, wouldn't you post it too? Oh, you wouldn't because it's still gross, no matter how many likes you get? Right.

Little girl RVSPs to friend's birthday party: "My dad will not let me go because you are black."

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A little girl wrote a heartbreaking response to her friend's invitation.

Ten-year-old Harmony Jones of Memphis, TN invited all of her friends from school to her birthday party. One girl from her class said she couldn't come, explaining in her note: "my dad will not let me go because you are black." Despite the adorable multicolored letters, that still must have stung.

Memphis is a city with a troubled history of racial conflict. Famously, Memphis's Lorraine Motel was the site of Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination in 1968. The city's Health Sciences Park (formerly Forrest Park) still contains a statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Confederate general who was also the first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

But Memphis has also had a positive role in the fight for civil rights. Today, the Lorraine Motel has been converted into the National Civil Rights Museum. Also, Memphis played a large role in the integration of the music industry, with progressive institutions like Sun Studios and Stax Records.

If there's a silver lining to this story, it's the fact that the little girl who wrote the note doesn't see things her father's way. If she can see the lunacy of racism at 10, maybe there's hope that we can break the cycle within a generation. And then we'll all have a reason to party.

How to be Batman in real life (without tragedy befalling your rich parents).

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Good news: becoming Batman in real life is doable! Bat news: it requires hard work!

I'll let Joe Bereta* and Epic How To do the actual explaining of how-to, but suffice it to say that becoming Batman requires a lot of working out, martial arts, and supplies even if you don't have dead billionaire parents. Also, it turns out the real world looks much more kindly on people who give their time to helping others than punching people. But if you've got the time and the actual desire to help people, you can become a terrifying force for justice in this world. Just make sure you tell the cops first so they don't shoot you.

(Bereta? really? Your name sounds the same as a gun brand and you're hosting a show on how to become a superhero? You're cheating.)

Hollywood runs out of TV show ideas, reboots 'Coach' with Craig T. Nelson.

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'Coach' is coming back for 13 episodes; at the very least, let it be a gritty reboot.


"I hear they're bringing 'Coach' back, Craig."
"They're doing what?"

(Image via Getty Images)

NBC has announced a 13 episode reboot of the sitcom Coach, which originally ran from 1987 to 1997, and Craig T. Nelson is returning to reprise his role as coach Hayden Fox. US Weekly reports that the show will pick up almost 20 years later, when "Hayden has retired from the gridiron action but is called back home to assist his grown son, who is coaching a start-up college team in Pennsylvania."

I love that they're picking up the storyline 20 years later. But NBC, if you're going to be so risk-adverse that you bring back an old show instead of trying a new one, at least make it a dark, edgy reboot. I have a pitch for you — Coach has spent the last 20 years in deep depression because the boys he coached all suffered permanent brain damage from concussions sustained during play. When one of his former players commits suicide because of football-related brain injuries, Coach sets out on a dark journey to find out what happened — and he discovers a world of heartache, pain, and violence that he never expected.

There's probably also a scene where Coach stands alone in a desert, drops a handgun, and yells at the sky. The word he yells is "FOOTBALL!"

Whether it's a comedy or a drama, the show will air this fall.

Adorable Bengal kitten holds better conversations than most people.

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This guy's Bengal kitten is quite the talker.

YouTube user Krys S's Bengal kitten, Molly, is good at listening — but she's great at talking too.

As someone who once spent a night in a guest house full of Bengal kittens, I can confirm that they are great cats to chat with. They are also very good at jumping, looking adorable, and trying to stand on top of your plate of just-cooked breakfast eggs.

Either way.

A local weatherman only realized he had a coat hanger in his jacket once he was live on air.

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Does this count as a news wire?

I kind of admire Steve Frazier, the meteorologist for Fox 9 News in Minneapolis. When he discovered that he had forgotten to remove his suit jacket's coat hanger before getting dressed for live TV, he pulled it out, owned up to his mistake and moved on. I don't know that a lot of people would be able to do that. A friend of mine once spent an entire day denying that he had an artisanal mahogany coat rack sticking out of his windbreaker.


Weekend

Idiots use a selfie stick to snap the perfect shot in front of the East Village fire.

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At least 25 people injured?! Where's my selfie stick?!

Remember that gas explosion in New York's East Village last week? You know the one that injured at least twenty-five people and possibly killed two? Yeah, that one. Just so you know, matters of tragedy and human suffering like that are not appropriate opportunities for smiling selfies with all your friends. Don't be these people:

These women are in all likelihood not a bunch of sociopaths. They probably cry and grieve and experience emotional pain like the rest of us. In fact, they're probably crying their eyes out right now over how mean the media is being to them. That because what they are is self-involved. Selfies and selfie-sticks were invented by and for self-involved people like this.

The only problem is that somebody forgot to tell them that taking "Aren't we having a great time in New York City?!" photos in front of sites full of burning humans might actually be damaging to them. If they'd known that they might be hurt by this behavior, I'm sure they would have refrained.

With that in mind, here's a few other occasions that should be considered selfie-unacceptable:

Concentration Camp Tours


(via)

Inflight Emergencies


(via)

Surgery


(via)

Car Accidents


(via)

Funerals


(via)

You're fired up.

CCTV captures 4-year-old taking bus alone in middle of night to satisfy her slushie craving.

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A Philadelphia toddler, who will someday make an excellent college student, headed out for a slushie alone at night and was captured by CCTV.


Annabelle Mager, 4, left her Philly home at 3 a.m. She didn't bother to wake her mom and dad. She knew what she wanted, and she apparently knew which bus to take to get there.

Her dream? A slushie.


(screengrab via YouTube)

She got herself dressed in her purple raincoat and left home, apparently without giving a second thought to her own safety or how she would pay for a slushie (Did she think the cashier would give her a free one just for being savvy enough to get there? She really is naive.).

Luckily, the bus driver—a father of three—and several concerned passengers did not think Annabelle getting her slushie was more important than Annabelle being safely returned to her parents.

"She had her mind set," Harlan Jenifer, the bus driver (below), told local news. "'All I want is a slushie.' [laughs] That's all she said."


(screengrab via YouTube)

Annabelle and her parents were reunited at a local hospital. Her father Timothy Ridgeway says it's hard not to wonder "What if?" But hopefully their plan to reconfigure their home's locks will mean no more sneaking out for Annabelle.

They were so relieved to have her home safely that they promised to take her to get a slushie. Great, now she'll never learn her lesson!

South African comedian Trevor Noah will be the new host of 'The Daily Show.' Sucks to be you, Trev.

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No one can ever replace Jon Stewart, but 'Daily Show' correspondent Trevor Noah has the unlucky task of trying.


(via trevornoah.com)

Congratulations to Trevor Noah on replacing Jon Stewart as the new host of The Daily Show!

Also, sorry dude.

That is not a task I envy. Being compared to Jon Stewart, who is both widely beloved and genuinely talented, sounds horrible. I feel so sorry for Trevor Noah, who started his gig as a correspondent on the show in December 2014, that I've decided to act like I'm sure this is an excellent choice on the part of Comedy Central!

Trevor Noah, eh? What a brilliant idea! Have you seen his greatest hits?


Actually, I don't know much about the guy (like, will he be offended that I called him "Trev"?). But turns out he's a South African stand-up comedian with an interesting background—he has a black South African mother and a white European father—and he has already hosted several South African TV shows.

He's certainly got the "I'm not trying to replace your dad" rhetoric down:

No, no one can replace Jon Stewart. But we may be able to learn to love again.

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