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Watch "Game of Smurfs" because all childhoods must die.

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'The Smurfs' cartoon has really changed since George R.R. Martin came onboard as a creative consultant.

Something something Blue Wedding something.

Did the world need a Game of Thrones/Smurfs mash-up parody? I don't know. Is society better for now having it? I suspect not. Did I take some perverse pleasure in watching a field of Smurf soldiers massacring one another? Yes, I do believe I did. Was I oddly aroused when Smurfette's boobs popped out at the very end? No comment.

On the whole, this parody is almost as disturbing as that one actual episode in which a virus turns the entire Smurf village into a mindless horde of violet-skinned cannibalistic maniacs. Almost, but not quite. This the full episode of "Purple Smurfs," but I have it set up to begin when things start getting creepy:


UK's first same-sex couple to be married in prison were both convicted of killing gay men.

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Two men who met in one of the UK's toughest prisons have become the first gay couple to be married behind bars.


Not the best wedding photo I've ever seen.(via The Guardian)

This story sounds sweet and inspiring until you hear why these guys are in jail. I'm going to tell the nice part first, and give a warning before I move on. This is a public service, in case anyone reading this is just looking for a pick-me-up this morning.

A year after the UK passed its Equal Marriage Act, two men have become the first same-sex couple in that country's history to be married in prison. Mikhail Gallatinov, 40, and Marc Goodwin, 31, were wed last Firday in a modest ceremony in the maximum security prison's visitor center. Specifically, it was in the children's play area. They read vows they had written, saying they were "soul partners," kissed passionately at the altar, and even had a cake. The guests included a few convict friends, Gallatinov's parents, four guards who had been invited, and six guards on security detail.

The two will not be allowed to share a cell, and none of the wedding expenses were paid for with taxpayer money. They are both serving life sentences, although Goodwin may be released in another 10 years with good behavior, and Gallatinov is technically eligible for parole next year. That's unlikely to happen, however, considering the charges. Stop reading now if you want to stay happy.

Goodwin was sentenced in 2007 for the murder of Malcolm Benfold, 57. Goodwin encountered Benfold on the Blackpool promenade and beat him to death, inflicting massive head trauma. The attack was described as part of a "gay-bashing spree." Goodwin was just 23 at the time.

Gallatinov, a convicted pedophile, was also 23 when he met 28-year-old Adrian Kaminsky on a gay chat line. After the two met up, Gallatinov strangled Kaminsky in what the judge called "a cold-blooded, well-planned, callous, chilling and apparently motiveless killing." It took a jury only an hour to convict him in 1997. Since then, prison psychiatrists have described him as "psychopathic."

It's unfortunate that these two, who will be remembered for achieving a milestone in LGBT rights, should also be murderers with a history of senselessly killing gay men in brutal fashion. Maybe we could wait until a nice gay couple in jail for tax fraud or something gets married, and pretend that's the first. At the very least, don't bring these guys up at any parades. I don't want to think about what that float would look like.

Cat plays with catfish in a tub, thank you Internet gods.

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This cat is fine with getting wet in a bathtub as long as he has a fish friend to play with.

This video really mellowed me out. That's some smoooooooooth jazz laid over a very calm, collected cat who, in a very chill way, is batting a giant fish around. He's not angry with the fish or trying to eat it. There's no end-game to this situation. Just two animals relaxing in some water. Sometimes the fish avoids the cat, sometimes the fish seems to forget the cat is a cat and goes to hide under it.

If you want to relax and think about your place in the food chain, just put this vid on repeat and lean back.

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Are these rich dummies snorting cocoa instead of coke confused or just gullible?

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This video exhibits the latest gastronomical fad: shoving really expensive chocolate powder up your nostrils.

Is this the most elitist consumption of organic material on earth? Well, it was invented when Belgian chocolatier Dominique Persoone was catering a surprise party for The Rolling Stones, so probably. Since then Persoone has developed a $60 catapult thing for devotees to the practice. And it's popular!


(via The Daily Dot)

Here's a side view, where even the guy in the promo photo looks like he thinks it's a bad idea:

It's gotta be better than cocaine, though, right? Dr. Jordan Josephson, an ear, nose and throat and sinus specialist at Lenox Hill Hospital, told Live Science, no, it really isn't.

"Snorting chocolate powder is not safe, because the powder is perceived by the nose as a foreign toxic substance. Putting any foreign bodies — including smoke, cocaine and/or chocolate powder — is not safe and is not advised."

All right, Dr. Bring Down. Guess I'll just keep enjoying chocolate like a plebe, with my poor person mouth. Keep reaching for that rainbow...

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 31, 2015

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1. Indiana's Governor Shocked To See That The State's Gay-Hating Law Is This Unpopular

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is a bit flabbergasted that his state's new law that allows private businesses to deny service to gay people is being viewed as discriminatory. "This law does not give anyone the right to discriminate," Pence told reporters. "But I can appreciate that that has become the perception." He has asked the state congress to deliver a rewrite of the law, hiding its bigotry a bit better, by the end of the week.


2. A Nazi War Criminal Just Died A Free Man After A Long And Happy Life Because Life Is F**king Unfair

Unrepentant Nazi war criminal Soren Kam died in Germany last week at the age of 93. Though he was convicted in absentia in his home country of Denmark for the kidnapping and murder of anti-Nazi newspaper editor Carl Henrik Clemmensen, he was never successfully extradited and did not see justice for his crimes against humanity. Feel free to go punch a wall now.


3. Jay Z Wants You To Stop Paying For Water So You Can Give More Of Your Money To His New App

Hip-hop mogul Jay Z thinks that people will be willing to pay a little bit more money for a music streaming service that treats artists fairly and, unlike most streaming services, pays them reasonable royalties for use of their songs. That's a noble enough idea. However, his argument for why you should sign up for his new Tidal service is somewhat less than convincing. "Water is free. Music is $6, but no one wants to pay for music. You should drink free water from the tap—it's a beautiful thing." Thanks for the idea, Jay-Z, but if I get to the point where I can't afford to pay for water anymore, I might just go ahead and cancel all my online services. As for Tidal, I'm into the idea, but get back to me when your app actually works.


4. New Study Shows That Full Moons Can't Be Blamed For People's Idiotic Behavior

Statistics show that a full moon does not in fact correlate to higher rates of arrests, automobile accidents or births, according to UCLA professor of planetary astronomy Jean-Luc Margot. The professor points to confirmation bias as the reason that "otherwise reasonable people develop strong beliefs that, to put it politely, are not aligned with reality." I don't know. Can it really be a coincidence that every major accident I've ever had in my life happened within two weeks a full moon? Let's see him explain that.


5. The Playboy Mansion Might Have Had Secret Tunnels For Celebrity Neighbors, Which Seems About Right

According to some recently discovered blueprints of Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles, there might have been some secret tunnels built to connect the famously debaucherous party location to the neighboring homes of several celebrities, such as Jack Nicholson and Warren Beaty. This seems like a smart idea. It would have been terrible if word got out that those guys like to sleep around.

Slackers rejoice! All-day breakfast may be coming to a McDonald's near you.

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McDonald's is testing an all-day breakfast menu at its locations in San Diego.

For years, loyal citizens of McDonaldland have been clamoring for Mayor McCheese to come down from his ivory tower and let them eat Egg McMuffins at night. And now, it's finally happening. Democracy works!

Next month, McDonald's will begin testing a plan to offer breakfast at all hours of the day. Currently, breakfast stops being available at the crack of 10:30 AM, well before the underemployed stoners who love McGriddles are awake. For now, the all-day breakfast will only apply at locations in the San Diego area. The company is using that market to test the feasibility of this plan. If it's successful there, they plan on rolling it out to the rest of the globe.

It turns out, serving breakfast all day is surprisingly challenging for a chain like McDonald's. The issue is kitchen space. The longer breakfast is served, the more breakfast items the chain has to keep in stock, not to mention keeping them warm and reserving prep space. It's taken McDonald's engineers decades to figure it out, and let's hope they've done their homework. The world needs this. And speaking personally, having McMuffins for dinner is one of my three greatest dreams, along with chocolate toothpaste and starting a family.

At the very least, it would be nice to avoid any more moments like this:


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David Beckham and James Corden's fake ad is everything you ever wanted in an underwear commercial.

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Finally, an underwear ad for people who don't look like David Beckham (and also for David Beckham).

Last night, James Corden had soccer player/Mr. Posh Spice/guy-who-fills-out-a-pair-of-underwear-well David Beckham on The Late Late Show. Together, Corden and Beckham made this delightful send-up of way-too-serious underwear commercials everywhere.

One of the commercials that this parodies is, of course, Beckham's 2012 H&M Super Bowl commercial:

Here's another David Beckham H&M underwear ad, which is notable for how many times it looks like Beckham is trying to casually pick a wedgie. This video also includes a making of the commercial at the end, aka "a thing nobody asked for."

Martha Stewart had no business being this funny at Justin Bieber's roast.

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WTF, Ma-Stew?

Saying Martha Stewart has ice in her veins is about as new and original as saying Andrew Dice Clay had some issues with women, but she mowed down everyone in the room at Justin Bieber's roast with about as much emotion as Agent Smith from The Matrix. Not only did she toss out racially-tinged jokes to the men with her onstage without flinching or seeming to even care whether people would object—a move that probably would have gotten them a nice handwritten note telling them to stop being a little bitch—she flat-out claimed to have stabbed Shaq's "bull-dyke" mom. Oh, right, and that hilarious joke about all of Snoop's friends dying. I did not see this coming. I'd say it was super offensive, but a.) it's a Roast, and b.) I'm afraid of this woman.

Meanwhile, over at GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to tell women how to have pain-free pregnancies and improve their auras. I think I know who I'd ally with in prison, is all I'm saying.

Hero woman flashes Google Street View car, calls out her "flat-tittie" haters.

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When an Australian woman spotted the Google Street View car in her neighborhood, she saw a chance to make an impression.


The less censored version is below. You want to see it.(Google Maps via Gawker)

Karen Davis is the hero Australia needs. She's confident, spontaneous, she loves her body and she won't let anybody shame her. Also, she's got great boobs. That's why, when she happened upon the Google Street View car taking pictures in her Port Pirie neighborhood, she knew there was only one thing to do:


Luckily, she hadn't worn a bra that day, or maybe ever.(Google Maps via Gawker)

The Port Pirie Recorder reports that Davis pursued the car for a short distance to make sure that she would show up in the image. She told the paper:

“I look at Google Maps a lot and I wanted to be on there and I thought this is the way to do it… I also did it for a friend in the United Kingdom. Now he can see me all the time… I got to tick something else off my bucket list."

After the picture went viral (people were amazed to see breasts on the Internet), Google tried to censor the image, with limited success.


It's much more tasteful now that you can't see her bare right arm.(Google Maps via Gawker)

Then, Google went back and finished the job.


You'd never know a woman believed in herself there.(Google Maps via Gawker)

Of course, not everyone on the Internet is as impressed with Davis as we are. She responded to her detractors on her Facebook page, saying:

"Haters hate, you got the guts to do it? All the flat-tittie chicks think I am disgusting. Big-boob envy has hit Port Pirie."

Big-boob envy may have hit Port Pirie, but it didn't put it on the map. That was all you, Karen.

Note: Karen may have haters in her hometown, but she's far from alone in her home country. Check out this Australian couple who jumped out of their car to have sex when they saw the Google car coming.

Driver pulls out of tow truck's clutches in the most daring minor-crime escape of the week.

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A man in Chicago mounted a daring escape rather than pay an impound fee.

If you own an off-road vehicle in an urban area like Chicago, it's rare that you get the chance to test out its torque, suspension, and toughness. In fact, it isn't until a moment like this one that you even get your money's worth. But when the time comes to forcibly disconnect yourself from a tow truck moments before it hauls you off to the impound lot, you'll be happy you're not driving a Prius. Those cars are for law-abiders.

We're concerned about this real guy eating exactly like Homer Simpson.

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Seeing Homer Simpson snacking in real life is just as wonderful and disturbing as you'd expect.

Broomfield, Colorado production company CinemaRaven made this real-life recreation of one of Homer Simpson's classic snack sessions. In an interview with BuzzFeed, CinemaRaven's director, Van Wampler, said that the video took three people about seven hours to produce, although they had to contend with the actor's bad eyesight making it difficult for him to follow Homer's choreography (chewography?).

Wampler also noted that they make things like this frequently: "On our days off, we like to work on whatever it is we can to keep creative and fresh." If you are taking suggestions, Mr. Wampler, please do this next:

An airline passenger wrote a heartfelt note thanking her pilots for getting her home safe.

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A pilot received this note from a grateful passenger, and one of his colleagues shared it on Twitter.

It's easy to take pilots for granted. We rarely see their faces, and modern aircraft fly so smoothly that we never think about what they're doing in the cockpit. However, all of the recent aviation disasters in the world have thrown into sharp relief the fact that their job is neither easy nor safe. That's why it's so refreshing to see this letter, written by a passenger named Bethanie on an ordinary commercial flight, to show her pilots her gratitude. Here's the full text:

In light of the very recent tragedy in the French Alps and the loss of those poor 150 people, I feel the need to reach out to you and extend a compassionate hand. At the end of the day, we are all humans just trying to live this rollercoaster of a life we have been handed. I understand an event so horrific as this one affects those with your responsibility more than others, and maybe sometimes a kind word, random but heartfelt, can make a difference. I'm hoping to create a ripple effect and spread some compassion and understanding.

Thank you for taking me home. Thank you for doing so safely. Thank you for allowing me to live the life I do in Spain and split my time with my family in England too. You make the excitement I feel now to see my family possible. I hope you get to see your families soon. I've had a wonderful flight and hope you have too.

You're making a massive difference and you're the reason I can smile tonight.

Take care and spread love, kindest regards, Bethanie.

The letter was shared on Twitter by UK-based pilot Jai Dillon, who received it from a fellow pilot. For security reasons, Dilllon wasn't able to divulge the airline or the airports involved. Although it's tempting to roll your eyes at the over-the-top language ("we are all humans just trying to live this rollercoaster of a life we have been handed"), the sentiment is commendable. I'm going to read this the next time I get frustrated during a delay, and try to keep things in perspective.

5 April Fool's Day products that will probably be real in five years because the world is stupid.

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April Fool's Day is nothing but a shitty window to our dumb future.


Seriously, April Fool's Day is just a reminder that we are so close to living in Black Mirror. (via Channel 4 on YouTube)

Every April Fool's Day, companies release fake products like they're show dogs, trotting them around the Internet and letting them pee on our metaphorical legs. In case you couldn't guess from my effervescent approval, I'd be fine if we eradicated April Fool's Day from the world (or at very least, the Internet.) But this "we're so clever," self-congratulatory hoo-ha from companies never ceases to amuse someone, somewhere, because this shit keeps happening.

The worst part about these April Fool's Day jokes (and pre-April Fool's Day jokes, because the "holiday" is starting to creep earlier and earlier) is how real they're getting. I get it — companies want to make up fake products that seem plausible. But as products like selfie sticks and vapeable clothing have shown us, today's jokes are tomorrow's disturbing future. Behold: Five dumb April Fool's Day products that will probably be real all too soon.


Dinner is served. J/K! Samsung is so funny! (via Samsung Tomorrow)

1. The Samsung smart knife.

Samsung's donation to the April Fool's Day crap-pile is the Galaxy Blade Edge, the world's first smart knife. While I don't think we'll ever get a knife that's fully fused with a smartphone, I can totally see some dumb company trying to sell us on knives that alert you when they need to be sharpened, can turn on your oven via Wi-Fi so you don't have to make the arduous journey across your kitchen, and raise an alarm when you cut yourself (y'know, for when you're cooking while blackout drunk).

2. Miz Mooz selfie shoes.

The only reason this isn't real is because taking a selfie with your foot does not make you look good. No matter what you do, you're probably going to be looking up your nose. A selfie bracelet that you can stick your phone into? Selfie cuffs on sweatshirts? Totally coming our way in the next five years. I mean, somebody's already been working on a real bracelet that turns into a selfie drone. Also, I hate that "selfie drone" is a real thing.

3. Google Panda.

Of course we're going to have cute robot animals that are going to answer things for us in the next five years. Hell, in Japan they're already releasing terrifying ghost-like robot babies to help senior citizens feel less lonely. Just look at this video below. I don't speak Japanese, but I imagine that the men in this video are saying something to the effect of "Our robot babies will show up in your home automatically. You do not have to purchase them. Do not anger the robot babies. We are not liable for what they do."

4. STAnder, the dating app for travelers.

STA Travel's "STAnder" app, which is supposed to connect traveling singles, is the most unoriginal of the April Fool's Day "jokes" — people currently use Tinder as a traveler's dating app all the time. (Tinder in the Olympic Village, anyone?) The only thing this added was special travel tickets for singles. That said, considering that we have dating sites now that are niche enough to target groups like those who believe in the supernatural, we will definitely have a travel-specific dating site in the next few years. Also, dear god, even if it's a prank, please have more creativity than to call your fake spokesperson "Una Niteonly."

5. Bonus: Amazon Dash Buttons

Amazon just announced their new Dash Buttons. These Wi-Fi-enabled, product-branded buttons help you reorder products when you realize you're running out. For example, if you put a Tide button on your washing machine, when you run low on laundry detergent, you just push the button, and it orders more Tide for you. People have been debating all day about whether this is an April Fool's Day prank or not, but Amazon says these are real. Are we truly so lazy that we can't even walk to our computers to re-up on our K-Cups?

The answer is apparently yes.


That time Michael Jackson prank-called Russell Crowe...for three years.

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This is the most wholesome and amusing thing Jackson has ever been accused of.

In so much of his private life, pop superstar Michael Jackson was the physical embodiment of "problematic." Today, however, film superstar and world-renowned a-hole Russell Crowe revealed one part of Michael's private life we can all support without reservation: his habit of prank calling the Australian movie star all over the world. Crowe did a very long sit-down with The Guardian to talk about his life and his issues with fame (and alcohol), and if you're into that sort of thing, go read it. I, on the other hand, just want to get to the good stuff. Namely, the stuff about Michael Jackson's hilariously unfunny prank phone calls:

[Crowe] found himself on the receiving end of repeated nuisance calls from, of all people, Michael Jackson. “For two or three fucking years," he says. “I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn't matter where I was, he'd ring up do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. 'Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what's holding the roof up? Ha ha.' You're supposed to grow out of doing that, right?"

I'm sorry, but did you just say "You're supposed to grow out of doing that" in reference to Michael fucking Jackson? Not growing out of things was kind of Michael's thing. I mean, you don't call your house Neverland Ranch and host an unending stream of birthday parties and sleepovers for kids unless...well, let's not get into that. Suffice it to say that things were not grown out of.

As Gawker points out, this isn't the first time Crowe's discussed Jackson's penchant for calling him with phone pranks that would make early-seasons Bart Simpson groan. As he told The Sun in 2013,

"He'd ring me and in a strong voice and say, 'There is an emergency and you need to leave the building.' I'd ask, 'Who is this?' And he'd say, 'Do not worry Russell, just kidding, this is Michael.'"

Ok, that's actually hilarious. And I can only hear it in South Park Michael Jackson's voice. Tee hee, indeed.

Purin the soccer goalie beagle puts Disney's animal athletes to shame.

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I think we're about due for an 'Air Bud' reboot.

Purin the Super Beagle is the kind of talent that only comes along once in a generation. He's an acrobat, a singer, a kendo swordsman, a linguist, and a marksman. But Purin's most impressive skill is as a soccer goalie. And do you know the most amazing thing about this video? Those soccer balls are regulation size, and he's just enormous. That part's not true.

Hannibal Buress was really mean to everyone at Justin Bieber's roast and it was great.

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"It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here. Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's 'Of Mice and Men'?"

I already wrote about how Martha Stewart was way funnier than she had any business being at Justin Bieber's roast, but the Internet consensus is in, and everyone agrees that actual professional comedian Hannibal Buress was the can't-miss act of last night's Comedy Central Roast. Among the people who (good-naturedly) took abuse from Hannibal included Kevin Hart, Shaquille O'Neal, "cool-ass salamander" Snoop Dogg, comedians Chris D'Elia and Jeff Ross, SNL's Pete Davidson, Burning Love's Natasha Leggero, and of course, Justin Bieber.

"I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy," is still, of course, the best thing anyone has said to Bieber, ever. If you need that joke explained, it's because a stand-up set of Hannibal's last year was what started the resurfacing of rape allegations against Cosby. So, that's saying something.

For the absolute harshest joke of the entire night, however, I turn to young Pete Davidson. Wait 'til the end, it gets brutal:

Bad offense.

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter tells us whether we're narcissistic parents.

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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where Gwyneth Paltrow encourages you to consciously uncouple from common sense and rational spending.

The subject line of Gwynnie's latest newsletter was—I shit you not—“Are you a narcissist?" I know! Awesome. That led to an article called The Legacy of a Narcissistic Parent, and while you may think Gwynnie herself wrote this as some sort of cathartic purge, alas. It was instead penned by a shrink who believes when your kids are throwing a tantrum, you should calmly explain to them why they can't have whatever it is you've denied them and that'll solve the problem. Because children are globally renowned for their listening skills and evolved sense of reason, you see.

The good doctor also very earnestly says things like “children need to feel seen, heard, known and cherished," “to be adored for who you really are is the highest form of love" and “step back enough to see the soul of your children." Stop making it all about you, says the psychiatrist on the website for Gwyneth Paltrow's one-woman lifestyle brand. Really, just stop.

Next, in a rare nod to practicality, Gwynnie emptied out her coin purse to buy the items on her list of “work essentials" under $150. In fairness, there are some really lovely things here, like an Ann Taylor dress ($119), some Joe Fresh strappy pumps ($69) and a Gap eyelet peplum top ($60). But then things go off the rails with a plain white cotton button-down that's $145 even though it doesn't shape-shift into a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl or anything.

Also, since when is an $84 journal a “work essential"? Writing down your thoughts about your boss seems especially dangerous. (Besides, that's what Facebook is for.) And a $120 ID bracelet is just a fancy way of wearing a name tag.

But if you think Gwynnie's turned over a new, cost-conscious leaf, don't worry.

On the What's New page, you'll find the standard $2000 dresses, $200 keychains and everything in between—including this collection of gold-plated shorts.

I recommend wearing the Stella McCartney shorts (described as “dressed-up gym shorts") inside-out to show off the designer tag and help justify the $550 price. As for the Band of Outsiders shorts, you'd think your $465 would buy some protection against unraveling. You'd be wrong. Pull those threads too hard and you might wind up wearing only the waistband.

But if you're slumming it, the $265 Nili Lotan shorts will have to do. The fabric is stretchy so it's recommended you “size down," but since they only come in sizes 0 – 6, no one should have any trouble with that, right?

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.

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