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How to fake your way through a Passover seder.

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Going to your first seder this year? Have no fear.


A little smiling and nodding can go a long way.

Whether you're a non-Jew dating a Jew, an interested friend from a different, less chosen faith, or a Jew who has been to a million seders and still feels confused, I'm here to help. As a currently non-practicing Jew from Long Island whose uncle is a rabbi, I'm a bit of an expert.

1. Just Accept All the Weird Stuff on the Table Without Questioning It.


Don't worry about it.

Anyone who's ever been to a seder knows the table is going to be covered in some crazy stuff. Some of it will be food; some of it won't be. It may not be clear which is which. Sometimes there is food hidden in ornate ceramics that you wouldn't expect to find food inside of.

My mom loves to load up her Passover table with toy figures that represent the Ten Plagues. You should never play with these toys, no matter how tempting. Too many years my family's seder has been interrupted by my Mother scolding her adult son for forcing a toy frog to make out with a toy cow. I'm not 100% sure if this issue is her fault or mine.


Author's dramatic interpretation of frog plague.

2. Don't touch or eat anything unless you're specifically told to.


Pro Tip: Don't eat gefilte fish even if you've been told it's okay.

There are rules to a seder (which literally means "order"). Too many if you ask me. Things are eaten in a long, drawn-out and highly specific manner. Even if something is placed directly on your plate, that doesn't mean you can eat it. It's often just supposed to sit there for a bit while someone says things about it. You should just watch what other people are doing and follow their lead—never act first.

3. Warning: You'll have no idea what kind of seder you're getting into until you're there.


Good news! If it's the type of seder where there's bread, it will probably be short.

There is a wide range of seder styles, varying from family to family. Some can be very Jewish, other are barely Jewish at all. Hopefully you won't be stuck at one of the very Jewish kind. A lot of Jewish people don't even like those. My family switches back and forth depending on which relatives are invited that year. The number of older people invited is usually a strong prognosticator of seder length. Older Jewish people love a long seder. Be advised, the long ones also tend to be in Hebrew. It's OK if you don't know what's going on; many of the Jews at the table won't either.

4. Prepare to meet new people.


Prepare by drinking cup of wine #0.

For some reason, the host will often invite one older single person from their synagogue. If you return the next year, they will be replaced with a different older single person, so be nice but don't get attached. No one else at the table will have met this person before either. It is very likely that there is a terribly sad story that explains why they are there and not with their own family. TRY NOT TO HEAR THIS STORY.

5. Enjoy the wine!


Pour yourself enough that you lose track of how long this is taking.

The tradition of drinking four glasses of wine with the Passover meal is literally the only seder custom designed to enhance the dining experience. I've witnessed seders that begin with a subdued mumbling of prayers and end in a rambunctious shout-singing of “Let My People Go." Thank you, wine. Be careful though, there are some exceptions. I've also attended seders where “four cups of wine" means four times you hold up your glass, say things about it and then take a sip.

6. Have you tried the matzah, you should try the matzah.


Don't be afraid. It's just a cracker.

Matzah gets a bad rap for being a dry, flavorless cracker. The reality is it's a dry, regular cracker. Crackers are usually tasty and so is matzah. You're here, might as well give it a chance. The real problem with matzah starts when you keep kosher for Passover and give up bread during the entire week. Your diet becomes 85% matzah (the other 15% is cream cheese on your matzah).

And that's about it. Of course, you're going to be confused by other things (like how some Pepsi is kosher for Passover and some isn't even though no Pepsi contains bread). Luckily, Passover is one holiday where asking questions will make you seem like you know what you're doing.

(frog image courtesy of Justin Laub; other images via Thinkstock)


Cute kid describes a scary experience very cutely.

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Thankfully, this little boy has recovered from his accident, but his memories of the event are forever.


The story is THIIIIISSS big.(screengrab via Fox 10 Phoenix)

Though it's told in a lively way, this story is a bit hard to follow. Jayden Wingler was on an amusement park ride that caught fire and he and his brother both suffered burns. They've recovered, but it is definitely a story he will be telling and re-telling his whole life.

Especially since Fox 10 Phoenix got this super adorable clip of him and put it on the Internet.

This boy is adorable! Jayden Wingler is recovering from burns he received on a ride at Castles N' Coasters, but that...

Posted by FOX 10 Phoenix on Tuesday, March 31, 2015

No, he won't be getting on the boats again, DAD. Back. Off.

The Internet's most attractive and viral female sketch group is ruining comedy for women.

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This video takes us a through a sexy, but not particularly funny, musical journey through the ages.

It's not easy being a lady in comedy. Lord knows, I've been working at it. Huge swathes of the population don't even think it's possible for a woman to be funny. You have to make your own opportunities, write for yourself so you're not constantly playing the nagging mom/girlfriend/wife character who tries to squash all the fun. You also gotta be down with the guys and not bum them out by objecting to rape jokes.

So, when a female sketch group has success, even of the viral video variety, I want to wave my lady flag (it has a bloody tampon on it) and say, "You go, girl!" It is with a heavy heart that I lay down my flag after watching SketchShe's latest video, which is more a collection of costume changes than a sketch. It also references Britney Spears' meltdown, which is tired as hell. And this is what they did for The Beatles:


Dafuq?(screengrab via SketchShe)

I haven't watched every SketchShe video, but here's a trailer that indicates they actually write things and do characters:

Awesome. Dope. So why was it that "Bohemian Carsody" is what put these girls on the map? BECAUSE WE LIKE TO LOOK AT PRETTY LADIES. And they know it, so they work it. It's a cruel cycle of us as a society being terrible and rewarding hotness over substance and women having to take what they can get so they play right into that system. Getting. Those. Views.


BOOOOOOOOBS.(screengrab via SketchShe)

If you want to support SketchShe, please share the lip-syncing video above where they look hot, because that's their brand. Or go through their videos for something that's not about crotch or boob-grabbing to help their brand diversify! Actually, f*ck it, let's watch this Kristen Wiig sketch again, because it actually makes me feel hopeful for women in comedy:



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Chris Rock takes a selfie every time the cops pull him over, and it happens a lot.

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The comedian has been stopped by police three times in the last seven weeks.

Chris Rock has spent his whole career addressing racial issues. And although he's one of the most thoughtful and eloquent commentators on the topic, that old English class rule still applies: it's better to show than tell. That's why this selfie made such an impression:







Just got pulled over by the cops wish me luck
A photo posted by Chris Rock (@chrisrock) on

Rock, like many other black celebrities, still struggles with racial profiling by the police. In fact, living in wealthy, predominantly white neighborhoods often makes them more of a target. Jamie Foxx recently related his own story about being pulled over in Los Angeles to Rolling Out Magazine. If you're still skeptical that this is really an issue, check out these more recent selfies Rock posted, the first from a month ago, the second from Monday.







I'm not even driving stop by the cops again
A photo posted by Chris Rock (@chrisrock) on






Stopped by the cops again wish me luck.
A photo posted by Chris Rock (@chrisrock) on

Now other entertainers are weighing in. Former Grey's Anatomy star Isaiah Washington tweeted this piece of advice at Rock:

This story just keeps heating up! While it's true that Rock could take steps to make himself less conspicuous, no rational person would argue that that's his responsibility. It's not a new argument. Is it better to conform and avoid attention, or to take a stand and call out prejudice? The latter seems more like Rock's style, but that will never be easy.

Watch this beautifully shot video of all your favorite Easter treats getting violently destroyed.

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This video shows what an Easter tantrum looks like in slow motion.

After the sugar high comes the sugar crash. This video shows the downside of an Easter Sunday spent binge-eating candy and running hysterically across the lawn looking for eggs, but it cuts out all the boring people stuff. Watching a bunch of raw colored eggs and a chocolate bunny slowly exploding is almost as entertaining as eating raw eggs and chocolate bunny.

Then just to make it even more cartoonish they drop a safe on top of the whole mess. Yay! More!

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This is what happens when you introduce a monkey to a litter of newborn puppies.

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Someone captured the moment on video when a monkey met some newborn puppies. That person deserves a Humanitas Prize.

This is too cute. Tommy the Capuchin monkey has the same reaction we all do when meeting puppies for the first time: uncontrollable petting. He's giving those little pups the scritch-scratching of their short lives. He loves those dogs. I love him, and I love them, and I love you.

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Hilariously cruel Katie Couric makes James Corden think she died on his show for April Fool's.

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Props to Couric's stunt double, Heidi, who threw a terrifying "I just died" spasm in at the end of her fall.

Holy crap, Katie Couric. I know showbiz is a brutal industry, but James Corden has only been hosting TheLate Late Show since last Monday. Do you know how often he probably thinks "gee, as long as no one actually dies on my show, at least I'll have had a better run than The Chevy Chase Show or McEnroe"? Probably a lot, because performers are very insecure people. You could die on Conan and TBS would keep its investment. But for April Fool's, you made James Corden briefly think that his entire life would be remembered simply for hosting Katie Couric's death. Bravo, you cruel, cruel newscaster.

Somewhere right now, Brian Williams is leaning over to tell someone, "So, there I was in a dress pretending to be Katie Couric..."

An abandoned pit bull was found nursing a newborn kitten on a roadside, and now they're inseparable.

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Because there is no better way to celebrate the end of the week than seeing a gentle dog care for a kitten.

"Pitty and Kitty" would be a great name for a 1970s easy-listening group. Those are also the names given to a just-born kitten and pit bull that were recently found on the side of the road in Texas. Now the inseparable pair are providing enough cuteness to power at least 10 remakes of The Adventures of Milo and Otis.

When the duo was brought in to the Mercy Animal Clinic in Garland, Texas, the staff discovered that the kitten — which was under 10 days old — had actually been feeding off of the pit bull's mammaries. But the pit's milk had just run dry, and according to Mercy Animal Clinic veterinarian Dr. Rick Hamlin, the kitten would likely have died within 24 hours had someone not brought it in.

Now both animals are in good health, and the kitten is being bottle fed. But Pitty still helps during feeding time by cleaning and "stimulating" the kitten. They're trying to find an owner for the duo now, with the stipulation that they can't be split up. But what kind of dummy would want to do that?

Start your weekend early: you can now play Mario 64 in your "Bowser" window.

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You can play the first level, anyway, but that's still what blew us all away in 1996.

Yeah, that's right. A computer science student named Roystan Ross gifted the world today with a browser-based (Bowser-based, lol) version of the first level of Super Mario 64, the genre-defining 3D platforming game that shipped with the Nintendo 64 and was the first of its kind to find mass success.


Nothing says "browser-based gaming" like awkward keyboard controls!
(screengrab via SuperMario64HD)

You can play it here. If it's not working (it was overwhelmed with traffic before), head to Roystan's blog and download the desktop version.


See? It's in a browser!(screengrab via SuperMario64HD)

In fact, the game looks a lot better than it did in 1996, since this uses HD textures from Super Mario Galaxy. The game is free and was created by Ross as a proof-of-concept project for his Super Character Controller, based on the the Unity 3D engine. A desktop version can also be downloaded, although it was designed to be played online. There are some minor differences, which Ross explains:

Demonstration project for the Super Character Controller, a recreation of Super Mario 64's first level, Bob-Omb Battlefield. Everything is just as you remember, except some really minor stuff that nobody cared about like red coins or the Wing Cap or the Big Bob-omb. Replacing them are crowd pleasers like giant springs and coin blocks.

It's Friday afternoon, and although your body is in your office chair, we both know that your mind is already jumping into a painting/gateway to obtaining the missing stars of your work-life balance...or something...this metaphor is breaking down...

YOU CAN PLAY MARIO 64 IN YOUR WEB BROWSER! WAHOO!

The Roots rap a catchy recap of "Game of Thrones" storylines.

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This video has Tariq "Black Thought" Trotter recapping all of GoT for you in rhyme.

With all the exciting Game of Thrones stuff circulating around the Internet it takes a lot to stand out. Tariq "Black Thought" Trotter and The Roots did just that on The Tonight Show during one of those "Audience Suggestion Box" segments. Best part may be Trotter's refusal to treat the obvious set-up as anything but a set-up, with deadpan responses to all of Jimmy Fallon's prompts.

So crank it up and get into a mellow groove as you remember all the characters with story lines you'll have to keep up with.


5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 2, 2015

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1. U.S. And Iran Reach Deal To Stave Off Armageddon For At Least A Few More Years

The United States and Iran announced today that they are close to finalizing acceptable limits on Iran's nuclear capabilities. Many U.S. pundits are still holding out hope that negotiations may break down in the eleventh hour and lead to devastating and protracted war.


2. Public Bigotry Continues To Be Highly Lucrative Endeavor — Anti-Gay Pizzeria Receiving $200K In Donations

It's a homophobe miracle! After the owners of Indiana's Memories Pizza were forced to close the doors of their restaurant due to threats of violence in response to their theoretical refusal to make pizza for gay weddings, a GoFundMe page was created to support them. At the time of publishing, nearly $200K has been raised for them. Hateful assholes truly have hearts of gold.


3. First Church Of Cannabis Rises From The Smoke Of Indiana's Religious Freedom Law

In the wake of the Hoosier State's new Religious Freedom Law, the First Church of Cannabis has received the blessing of Indiana secretary of state and will be recognized as an actual religion. "If someone is smoking in our church, God bless them," the new religion's Minister of Love and Grand Pooba Bill Levin. There's a $4.20 suggested monthly donation for parishioners.


4. Oscar-Winning Actress Julianne Moore Does Not Have What It Takes To Impress Turkey's Tourism Board

Julianne Moore's raw and intense style of acting might have been enough to nab her an Academy Award last month, but Turkey's tourism and culture ministry has slightly higher standards. After viewing the actress's performance in a promotional video for the country, ministry officials demaded reshoots due to her "poor acting." Moore refused, and the project has since been scrapped.


5. New Amy Winehouse Documentary Promises To Bum Us Out All Over Again

If you thought Amy Winehouse's meteoric rise to fame and tragic descent into substance abuse was depressing when you saw it playing out in tabloid newspapers, just wait until you see it all crammed into a single two-hour documentary about the preternaturally talented musician's life and untimely death.


David Letterman and Billy Eichner force random people to give Dave post-Late Show career advice.

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Dave and Billy teamed up for this Funny or Die video.

It's still hard to believe, but David Letterman will be taping his last episode of The Late Show on May 20th. After that, no one is sure what his plans are, even him. So to get some suggestions, he walked the streets with Billy on the Street's Billy Eichner to ask random passersby in this special segment for Funny or Die. They got a few good ideas, and a lot of confused stares. You can't blame these people for being bewildered, though. How often do you encounter two comedy legends on the street?

7 Beer GIFs That Will Make Your Mouth Water.

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Way before the Internet, some 10,000 years ago, beer began uniting people across the globe. To this day, we typically raise a glass together to celebrate life's greatest moments. Since a tradition this rich deserves some special attention, we're taking a moment to soak in the true beauty behind the beverage.

71% of the earth is covered in water, and 90% of beer consists of water. Without water, we wouldn't have things like coffee, showers, or most importantly, beer.

Do you ever stop and stare at your beer's vibrant color? What about its malty sweet flavor?

If you answered yes, you have barley malt to thank. It's an essential beer ingredient and it comes in a variety of specialties.

To balance the barley malt's sweetness, hops are added to give beer bitter, spicy and earthy tastes.

The real hero here is the yeast – it has the ability to turn sugar into alcohol and add a wide range of our favorite flavors. It even helps create carbonation and a frothy head of foam.

Behold - this dream team of ingredients combine to form a mesmerizing drink.

Creating the perfect brew doesn't stop there – pouring beer correctly is essential too. Whether it's fresh beer from the tap…

Or beer out of an ice-cold bottle…

…it's got to hit the spot. Thirsty?

Daddy Horror Stories: How my 2-year-old twins and I became terrified of the Mall Easter Bunny.

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In every office in this great land of ours, winter truly ends when the office funny man proudly asks, on the hour, every hour, "What's the deal with the Easter Bunny? Bunnies don't lay chocolate eggs, ya know. Them's poops."


The author's twins when they were young and fearless.(via Sean Sullivan)

Ah. Spring is here.

Can't wait for George R.R. Martin to finish the next Game of Thrones? We got a sneak peek: some bearded descendent of Ned Stark stands atop that giant wall and yells, "They're not chocolates! They're poops! Winter is over," while a naked lady sexes a dragon or something.

I finally looked it up. The eggs? Completely logical. Long ago in some Orthodox churches, eggs were given up for Lent. In order to preserve them for 40 days, they'd boil them and then once Lent was over, they'd decorate and eat them. Thanks, 15 seconds and Wikipedia! Same with the Easter bunny! Bunnies were a common symbol of fertility in antiquity, and spring is when everything comes back to life. Maybe not as exciting as the prospect of eating 40-day-old hard boiled eggs but at least there is some semblance of reason to it all.

But what about you, Mall Easter Bunny? What's your f**king deal? I was at the Sprint store at the mall which just happened to be right next to the Mall Easter Bunny.

I asked the guy at Sprint about them and he said, "Dude, I don't know. They show up two weeks before Easter. Nobody knows who they are or where they came from. They're here until Easter Sunday and then on Monday, they're gone."


Time to "lay some eggs." (via Sean Sullivan)

Well that sounds totally legit and not shady at all. Honey, I'm putting the kids in their Easter best and going to the mall. Bye.

I get Mall Santas, and I celebrate those men for their commitment to the Santa lifestyle. Perhaps I'm naive but I trust Mall Santas. I can look them in their eyes. That's important. I can see who they are. Sure underneath that red suit may be the rugged, tattoo-scarred arms of a professional killer but with the white beard and blue eyes, I have no hesitations about placing my kids in the lap of somebody else's grandfather and buying their picture.

The Mall Easter Bunny is different. That could be anybody, good or bad. There really isn't any way to know, short of subpoenaing the mall's human resources records, but where could those be? (Hint: they're in the CD section of the f.y.e.)

My twins will turn two on Easter Sunday, and boy what a difference a year makes. Last year, we stumbled upon the Mall Easter Bunny by mistake. The babies had just turned one, and my wife and I were feeling confident enough to start venturing out into the world. One Saturday morning we ended up in the mall and we saw the Mall Easter Bunny, checked to make sure neither baby had puked on their shirts and got their picture taken.

It was remarkably smooth. No one cried. They actually smiled. I bought my mom a copy of the picture, I was so happy with the way it came out.


The Easter Bunny's throne awaits.(via Sean Sullivan)

This year, however, they are almost two, and we have gone twice and my kids want no part of it. My son started going, "No, no, no, no, no, no" and begging me to pick him up. My daughter just stared. She squinted her eyes and just stared at the Mall Easter Bunny like he had double crossed her in a bank heist years ago. I'm generally afraid of my daughter most of the time but this time I was glad to be on her side. I said, "Do you want to go say hi?" and she just walked away. I eventually found her. I'm a great dad.

As much as it pains me to say, I think we we need the Mall Easter Bunny as a fear hurdle. As we were walking away from the Easter Bunny, consoling our kids, I saw a boy who was probably 5 or 6 running past us, yelling, "He's here! Mom, he's here!" I didn't turn to see where he was going but I knew that kid had conquered the Easter Bunny terror milestone and was being rewarded with a moment of pure innocence. I smiled as I imagined, in a couple of years, my daughter running past some other crying baby, yelling, "He's here! Dad, he's here!" before dropkicking the Easter Bunny in the face and getting her revenge.

Man who built career on exposing sleight-of-hand destroys gay discrimination bills' defenders.

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"There is more to gay sex than cake and flowers."

The bigots are losing the cultural war over gay rights. And they know it. They've had their several millennia to enjoy beating up on the homosexuals without repercussion, and now that they're feeling public opinion drifting away from their side, they're starting to panic. That's why you see see poorly written, bald-faced pieces of homophobic legislation dressed up as religious freedom bills being quickly rammed through state law-making processes, like we're seeing in Indiana, Arkansas and Georgia.

While these laws are probably unconstitutional, they're definitely illogical. With minimal effort, any one of us can cut through these people's arguments and uncover their true discriminatory intentions. But it takes a real master of exposing bullshit to do it as artfully as Penn Jillette does in this clip from last night's CNN Tonight:

I set that clip up to begin when Jillette gets to talk, but I'd recommend going back to the beginning so you can hear the extremely unconvincing arguments in defense of the law put forth by Alliance Defending Freedom's Kristen Waggoner.

If that's the strongest ammunition they've got, then I wouldn't worry about this battle lasting too long.

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