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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 30, 2015

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1. Bernie Sanders Tells America Not To Underestimate His Hopeless, Symbolic Presidential Campaign

Independent Sen. Bernie Sanders—whom I'm pretty sure doesn't actually think he has any greater chance of betting Hillary Clinton in 2016 than the rest of us do—warned America not to belittle his presidential campaign because he kind of has to. "People should not underestimate me," Sanders said in an interview with The Associated Press. "I've run outside of the two-party system, defeating Democrats and Republicans, taking on big-money candidates and, you know, I think the message that has resonated in Vermont is a message that can resonate all over this country." Anyway, he should be fun.


2. Jay-Z To Hold Concert For People Who Accidentally Subscribed To 'Tidal'

Jay-Z has promised to perform in "exclusive concerts" for people who sign up for his new music streaming service Tidal. Seems like he's really gunning for the people who can't figure out how to unsubscribe from music services market.


3. Science Creates Intelligent Bullet—Humanity Begins Tidying Up Its Affairs

The Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has apparently developed a type of bullet that is able to change course in mid-air in order to better hit a moving target or to potentially seek revenge against its cruel human master who pointlessly fired its entire family into brick wall for no apparent reason earlier in the week.



4. Chinese Construction Company Builds Skyscraper In Less Time Than It Takes To Fill In A Pot Hole In NYC

A Hunan Province-based Chinese construction company successfully completed a 57-story building—with office space for 4,000 workers and 800 apartments for tenants—in just 19 days, using a modular process akin to erecting a structure with Lego blocks. "With the traditional method, they have to build a skyscraper brick by brick, but with our method, we just need to assemble the blocks," a spokesperson for Broad Sustainable Building Co. explained. Very cool, but you don't want to know how bad it hurts if you accidentally step on one of its 2,700 modules in the middle of the night.


5. McDonald's Is Simplifying Its Menu In Controversial Move That Could Anger Its Intellectual Customer Base

McDonald's is discontinuing nine sandwiches—including the Quarter Pounder Deluxe and six variants of chicken sandwiches—in order to condense its excessively large number of menu items amidst flagging sales. "There will be further moves on menu simplification coming up now, because we have a number of tests in place," chain CEO Steve Easterbrook said during a conference call last week. I really hope they don't dumb down the menu too much. It would be a shame if they lost the entire backstory to family of snack wraps.


This apartment building for kittens is disguised as a common shoe organizer.

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Kittens will squeeze into anything to experience the excitement of big-closet living.

Many of us fondly remember our first apartment shoe rack: a tiny, cramped hole that, in retrospect, we can't believe we put up with, but at the time we loved. We were finally living the dream of being part of a vibrant and exciting city closet, full of starving artists fluffy kittens and exciting opportunities fluffy kittens. Ah, to be 22 3 months old again.

An honest commencement speech for the Class of 2015.

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Fellow students, welcome to the graduation for the Class of 2015.

As commencement speaker, I'd like to take this opportunity to give a more honest graduation speech. You deserve that.

We've all worked really, really medium to get here. For the past four years, we've done only what was required of us. We've started all the books we were supposed to read, then finished by reading their Wikipedia pages. We've stayed awake through the majority of our classes. We've mostly not cheated. And now, just by virtue of showing up, we've made it. We're graduating and going out into the world.

Soon, we'll start exciting careers. Well, a few of us will. The rest of us will just have jobs. We'll appreciate those jobs, but not too much. We'll work our jobs while dreaming other dreams that may or may not come true. We might try to follow them by taking an improv class or opening a store on Etsy.

The dumbest person in our class will go on to become the most successful. It will piss everyone else off.

Many of us will have children! Look to your right and left. Can you imagine these people having any sort of responsibility? Can you picture them caring for and shaping the next generation? I know, right? THOSE people are going to have kids.

But no matter what happens, we'll always be friends. No, sorry. We'll stay friends for a little while. As we go on, most of us will lose touch. We'll maintain some friendships through Facebook, which will enable us to judge each other's life choices.

People always say that these are the best times of our lives. Is that true? Of course not. These times were fine. You know what's better than being in school?

  • Living on your own.
  • Hanging out with the people you choose.
  • Figuring out what you actually want out of life and what makes you happy.
  • Drinking the beer that tastes best, not the one that's cheapest.

OK, basically everything is better than being in school.

In conclusion, we will never forget the time we spent here. Probably because we'll be paying back our student loans until we die. So congratulations, Class of 2015. Enjoy this moment!

You'll start getting calls to donate to the alumni association tomorrow.

Seasonal

A stranger's kind act earned an old man's inheritance, and the family is cranky.

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Daniel Sharp said he was "shocked" by the generosity of a man he knew only briefly.


Doesn't seem like such a pain now, does it?(stock photo)

Kindness is its own reward. Especially when it comes with piles of cash. 45-year-old Daniel Sharp, of Kent in the UK, learned that lesson after he volunteered to help out 75-year-old Ronald Butcher. Sharp, a builder by trade, cleaned out the gutters on Butcher's bungalow in Enfield, but when Butcher offered to pay him, he refused. "It was a nothing job that took seconds," he said.

The two men struck up a casual friendship. They were both interested in DIY projects, and Butcher liked hearing about Sharp's son. Sharp would check in on Butcher whenever he was in the area, which wasn't frequently. That's why it was such a shock to him just a few months later, when he learned that Butcher had died and left his entire £500,000 fortune to him.

The will, drawn up briefly after Sharp had first cleaned Butcher's gutters in January 2013, replaced a previous will dated December 2011, which named three others as beneficiaries: Butcher's elderly cousin Joyce Gilkerson, along with Evelyn Hutchins and Peter Rogers, the daughter and son of Butcher's close friend from school. They say they thought of him as their "Uncle Ron."

Now, those three have taken Sharp to court, saying that he coerced Butcher into changing his will and is "lying" about being his friend. Now it's up to a judge to decide whether Butcher was fully aware of what he was doing when he changed the will. Mrs. Hutchins's lawyer concedes that the will is not a forgery and and that Butcher had the mental capacity to make a will, but that the odd change should "excite suspicion." She is maintaining that the document was not Butcher's "last true wish."

It is true that it's a surprising change, but it's the three family members' claims that seem suspicious to me. They claim that Butcher had "lots of friends" and that they were still in touch with him, but Butcher's body wasn't found for two months after he died. That doesn't help their case at all. Also, Sharp would have to be a pretty cunning con man to convince a near-stranger to leave him all his money against his will, even if the man wasn't in his right mind. And there's no evidence of that.

Ultimately, the judge will have to decide. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun coming to our own conclusions. That's what the Internet is about. And personally, I prefer the explanation that's inspiring instead of deeply cynical.

The most honest bachelorette party invitation ever sent to a group of friends.

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Hey ladies!

Hope you're all super excited for the best weekend ever! For one of my last few days as a single lady (omg!), I'm so happy that all fifteen of you are using your hard earned money to celebrate me, especially when you're going to spend just as much in a few weeks to come to the wedding! I've totally overplanned the next 24 hours and extremely underestimated how much time and money everything takes. See below for the schedule of events that will lead you to wonder why I ever included you, my casual work friend, in my wedding anyway.

2:00pm - Everyone meets at the hotel room I'm forcing you all to share tonight. Even though you pay for an apartment in the same city as this weekend's festivities where you have your own bed, bathroom, and personal space, you have to spend a week's worth of grocery money to share a twin bed with my college roommate Sarah for the night.

4:00pm - We have a private STRIP TEASE CLASS! I've been on a strict diet of green salad and tree bark for months to look super thin for my big day, so expect me to look amazing. Make sure to bring some short shorts and all of your body image issues!

5:30pm - We'll head back to the hotel and start the process of all getting showered and ready in an hour, when in reality for this many people with one bathroom, it should take at least three times that.

5:55pm - Janna freaks out because she thinks everything she brought to wear makes her look like a killer whale rolled around in sequins.

6:06pm - I yell at Janna and everyone else that because of her pity party we're going to be late for our reservation.

6:10pm - Limo ride to dinner! There will be mandatory pictures of us having tons of fun popping bottles in the back. I will demand full approval over all of them and make you delete any where I look remotely less than perfect. But also, I'll be posting multiple photos where you look like a trash bag full of leftover Indian food.

7:00pm - Dinner at a tapas restaurant. It's great because you get less food for more money. Also, I'll be ordering tons of drinks and not paying at all after one of my old law school friends gets the bill and says, “Obviously we'll cover her share, it's her night!"

9:00pm - Drinks at a bar that charges $15 for a vodka soda.

10:37pm - Leslie spills a drink on a girl “by accident" after recognizing her from her boyfriend Dan's Instagram follows. They have a screaming match and we have to all leave the bar even though you probably just opened a tab.

10:42pm - Everyone stands outside on the street looking at our phones trying to decide which bar we want to go to next.

10:53pm - We go to a new bar, but it's cash only, so most of you have to go to the 7-11 across the street for the ATM.

11:05pm - Madison texts some guys she knows from her urban kickball team and a group of them are coming.

11:06pm - I freak out because this is supposed to be a GIRLS NIGHT.

11:12pm - Janna has another Fireball-fueled emotional meltdown talking about her break-up again and how she's never going to find someone and everyone else is getting married. I keep reminding her that this night is about ME.

12:14am - Samantha forces everyone to look around the bar because she can't find her ID and she has a flight to catch on Monday and cannot leave the bar without it.

12:16am - Samantha makes everyone get on their hands and knees under tables to look for her ID on the gross bar floor.

12:21am - Samantha realizes her ID is in her pocket.

12:22am - [unclear]

8:20am - Everyone wakes up in the hotel room hungover and makeup smeared everywhere, and even though you spent more money last night than in the previous two weeks combined, I'm demanding that we go to a fancy brunch!

We should stick pretty close to the schedule or else I'll start talking about you guys to each other behind your backs. So be sure to bring your least comfortable heels and your most uncomfortable smile. See you bitches Saturday.

xo,

Your friend who waits hours to text you back but demands you spend hundreds of dollars celebrating her likely short-lived marriage

Getting rid of your double chin is just a shot away.

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The FDA has approved the sale of Kybella, an injectable drug that dissolves fat cells.

Last month, we reported that an FDA panel had recommended approving deoxycholic acid, a new wonder drug that could make sticking your neck out in selfies a thing of the past. Now, it's officially gone through, and deoxycholic acid (renamed the much sexier "Kybella") will go on sale starting in June.

Kybella is the first ever non-surgical solution to a double chin. It works by dissolving the membranes around fat cells, so the contents are reabsorbed into the body. All it takes is for your dermatologist to make a series of small injections under your chin. It takes five minutes, heals in days, and requires no bandages. Side effects include swelling, bruising, and temporary numbness.

Sound too good to be true? Well, it's not covered by insurance, and the company isn't saying how much it will cost. Also, there's one big catch: you'll lose the double chin you worked so hard to acquire. You may be embarrassed by that chin now, but for all you know, pretty soon it'll be all the rage. Everyone who wants to be seen as cool will be flaunting their double chins for the whole world to see. That's what I'm counting on, anyway:


My chins, my choice.

Here's our first good look at Ben Affleck as a neckless Batman.

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He cannot look away from injustice. Literally, he cannot.

Good news, fellow obsessive shut-ins! Two new pictures—supposedly of Ben Affleck in costume as Batman—have arisen from the shadows of the Internet today. We have the black and white one above, and this full-color one below. And, when I say "full color," I mean a "slightly broader range of grey shades" (because, you know, Batman v Superman is gonna be edgy):

Hmmmmmm... How do we feel about this? Well, he doesn't have any visible pop-punk tattoos, so we'll count that as a positive. The Dark Knight does seem to have a thing for textures, doesn't he? And he's also not into the Bat-underwear thing that Bruce Wayne has been wearing since his creation. Both of those seem to be a style choice for the series so far.

Can he turn his neck in that thing? It doesn't look like it. Most of the Batmen couldn't move their necks. It even became a plot point in The Dark Knight. Still, just looking at these photos makes me want a shoulder massage.

What I really do like about the suit, though, is how much it resembles the design from Frank Miller's amazing graphic novel, The Dark Knight Returns, which has obviously been a pretty big influence on the upcoming movie.

Alright, I'm sold. I am on board with this Batsuit. Now, just tweak the Batvoice and I'll start actually getting excited.


This is why you shouldn't "like" your own wanted poster on Facebook.

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Levi Charles Reardon was arrested shortly after clicking "like" on a post meant to help apprehend him.


"Hey, that's me!"(via Facebook)

If you think your own Facebook addiction is bad, be thankful you're not this guy. His is sending him to jail.

Levi Charles Reardon is a 23-year-old Montana man suspected of stealing a wallet that contained a checkbook, and forging checks from it. His picture was shared on the Great Falls/Cascade County Crimestoppers Facebook page, where he was identified as April's most wanted. What happened next, though, is nuts.

One of his Facebook friends saw him and tagged him into the photo, evidently thinking he would find it funny. And I guess he did, because he clicked "like" on the post from an account using his real, full name. Police haven't specified how they apprehended Reardon, but it happened not long after the Facebook incident, so it's reasonable to assume there's a connection. Not that it's hard to believe the law caught up to him. He doesn't seem that good at covering his tracks.

This will probably stand as the most embarrassing example of social media bringing down a fugitive until somebody's safe house gets tagged on FourSquare. But you know that's coming soon.

See also: Criminal posts "catch me if you can" to local police Facebook page, gets caught 12 hours later.

Friendship

A man paying $315/month for unlimited data receives threatening letter from Verizon over data.

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A Verizon FiOS customer received a threatening letter after using 7 terabytes of data per month for several months.


Don't let the lowercase "v" fool you. They mean business.(Getty)

Most of us are used to dealing with data limits on our wireless plans. But unlimited data on our home Internet is something we take for granted. That's not the case for one Verizon FiOS customer, who found out what the limit is on a so-called unlimited data plan: 7 terabytes per month.

If you're not a tech head, here's how much data that is. 7 terabytes is equal to approximately 119,000 hours of MP3 music, 3,500 hours of video, or 2,170,000 photos. And that's how much this user was transferring every month. He told DSL Reports that he was using that data for volunteer web crawling projects like SETI@Home. He was donating his data to help find aliens!

Even though 7 terabytes is certainly excessive, the 500 Mbps plan that the customer pays $315/month for is supposed to feature unlimited data. That's why he was so shocked when he received this letter from Verizon, threatening to cut off his service:


More like Fi-OUCH.(via DSL Reports)

The letter states that his data usage violates Verizon's Terms of Service. Ars technica reports that Verizon's TOS say that users may not "host any type of server" or "generate excessive amounts of e-mail or other Internet traffic," but don't define what "excessive" means. The user wasn't hosting a server or sending lots of e-mails, so it seems like he was singled out just for his bandwidth.

The definition of "unlimited" data has caused problems for many Internet service providers in the last few years. Verizon itself settled with the Attorney General of New York back in 2007 over the issue. And with the rapidly increasing amount of data coursing through the Internet, it's not likely it will stop being an issue. It may even reach the point where the government has to step in and regulate the issue. That is, if they can figure out net neutrality first.

'Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs' is a movie about cowboys and dinosaurs. Obviously, it looks amazing.

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"You're history." —Cowboy guy to soon-to-be-dead dinosaur

Producer: Get in here! I need you to write something to cash in on the excitement being generated by the upcoming movie Jurassic World.

Writer: Gotcha. Something with dinosaurs.

Producer: Plus, my brother-in-law's country-western clothing store just went under, so you need to figure out some way to work a bunch of cowboys into it.

Writer: Right. Cowboys and dinosaurs.

Producer: Yeah, like, make them fight or something.

Writer: Okay. Cowboys vs. dinosaurs.

Producer: One last thing. I owe former famous person Eric Roberts a favor, so I need you to write a part for him into the picture.

Writer: Ugh, Eric Roberts... The crew isn't going to like that. Can I just keep him confined to a jail cell for the whole shoot?

Producer: Whatever.

I don't know exactly how to say this without sounding like I'm being ironic or condescending, but I am so jealous of the person who got to write this movie.

Crazy old coot punches bear in the face for very adorable reason.

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“The man or beast that I run from ain't been born, and his momma's already dead."


If you see him comin', better step aside.(photo via CBS 13)

Wild-eyed codger Carl Moore recently crossed that line that separates mere men from true legends when he belted a bear that had wandered onto his property. After hearing his adorable chihuahua Lacy whimpering, the 73 year-old former Marine stepped into his backyard and came face to face with the beast. He gave the bear fair warning ("I raised both hands in the air and I cussed at him, 'Rrraaaaaaa! Get out of here you bastard.'") before throwing a right hook that frightened it away. What inspired Carl's fight-or-fight instinct (the man doesn't flee) to kick in? His baby Lacy:

I guess the bear was in the mood for a bite of Mexican.(photo via CBS 13)

The video is definitely worth a watch because Carl is a true character who could out-ornery even the orneriest creature.


(Oh, and if you're skeptical, the crack team at CBS 13 confirmed the story with Carl's best friend and employee who witnessed the brawl, so it definitely happened exactly the way he describes.)

40 impressively terrible resumés that will make sure employers remember (to never hire) you.

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1.


He's lucky; the original version also listed "Excessive pooping" and "Writing fan letters to James Frey." (via BuzzFeed)

Even when you're a smart, friendly go-getter, getting a new job can be tougher than finding Waldo in a bucket of barber poles. And landing new employment gets even harder if your resumé isn't up to snuff. The following resumés are examples of what not to do, even though they will make you stand out in the choppy sea of other job applicants — just not in the way you want.

2.


Give rejection. (via Imgur)

3.


I like to think that Tupac watches over my job search too; I just don't need to show it.
(via Reddit)

4.


This guy looks great! I'll just email him at... oh. (via Reddit)

5.


I have been cooled by water, and I have also been not employed by many. (via Reddit)

6.


"My biggest weakness? Making text readable over images." (via Reddit)

7.


There are probably more resumé skillz you should have learned, like proofreading.
(via Reddit)

8.


We're mostly interested in your phone experience. Our laser T-Rex spot is currently filled. (via BuzzFeed)

9.


Cocking dinners is great, but 150+ people is a little too awkward for us. (via Eater SF)

10.


Crap, he's on to our "massive unemployment" ruse! (via HuffPo)

11.


I'm sorry, we really need someone who's proficient in Mariokart 64. (via Reddit)

12.


Actually, we're hiring the Larry you said you could grow from a single hair. (via Reddjobs)

13.


You're hi... wait. Is there a possibility that these bars could mean virtually nothing?
(via HuffPost)

14.


So, the hangging with your friends... that's separate from card, board, and video games?
(via HuffPo)

15.


Tnx 4 ur rezume. Weve been lookin for a ppl prsn. Plz model 4 us and give kids coke.
(via CollegeHumor)

16.


We won't hire you because we only wanted one cover letter. Specifically, "Q."
(via Lot of Laughter)

17.


Red Head Gas shut down? The all-redhead station? But that was such a good business model! (via Izifunny)

18.


If you've ever been dissatisfied with your local Domino's, send them this resumé.
(via picc.it)

19.


References available upon request in Alpha Centauri. (via pikdit)

20.


Don't discriminate against me because my mother was Siri and my dad was an autocorrect. (via Sarcastic Sarcasms)

21.


"Sorry, it turns out our Manager is the second coming of Christ and still wants to work." (via CollegeHumor)

22.



Can you tell me a little more about your job as Shaq? (via These Fries Are Good)

23.


Fortunately, working at an aviary is 99% dealing with bird sh*t. (via Funny or Die)

24.


Ironically, Nicholas Cage uses Vanessa's resumé as his headshot. (via Uproxx)

25.


"It seems like the job you want is making videos of yourself... so..."

26.


I was an excellent editer. Please overlook my qualifications. (via My world)

27.


Nephew Sam? (via Reddit)

28.


Can't help but feel there might be some subliminal messaging here.
(via The Chicago Reader)

29.


For the tasteful aristocrat who just wants his c*cks*cking Steinway fixed.
(via Pajamas & Coffee)

30.


I'm a genius. Not fit-my-voicemail-into-40 seconds genius, but... a genius.

31.


LDC Corporation: employing the world's smartasses since 19goscrewyourself.
(via Dre Fresh TV)

32.


To be fair, all of his characters were illiterate. And he's a Methud acter. (via Back Stage)

33.


Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke got there the hard way. (via Oddee)

34.


Whitef*ckingsnake is how it's pronounced, not how it's spelled. (via Tonic Fab)

35.


That's the exact sentence you pay an agent to say. (via Dose)

36.


I have a feeling that fire started when fiber optics were incorporated into Fantasy Football. (via Reddit)

37.

Hi, I'm David Pederson, the mayo of job seekers.

38.


Sadly, the microwave was responsible for groovenoma and no one would hire him.
(via Andrew Saladino)

39.


"Well, we are doing a movie about a killer who gets caught because of his awful handwriting." (via The Awl)

40.


Dogwalk Golddigger.(via Convo Zine)

This little brother is the best back-up dancer any big sister could have.

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This 'American Idol' winner has an amazing voice, but the real star is her shower-dancing younger brother.


He is making eye contact with my soul. (via MonicaLaire on Twitter)

Monica Laire is a singer from San Francisco who made it into the top 48 of American Idol season 15, but her younger brother Charlz has a supreme talent of his own: He's the king of in-shower slow jam moves.. If I ever have a reason to hire someone to dance in a glass box for a party, I am getting this kid. (Also, note to self: Change my life so it involves more parties where people dance in glass boxes.)

Charlz isn't just a great shower dancer, he also has a serious voice of his own:

But Monica doesn't always welcome his collaborations:


How-old.net takes your picture and uses algorithms to guess your age like a rude carnie.

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Get ready to feel really flattered or really annoyed when a website tells you how old it thinks you are.


Good job, Madonna! Keep eatin' that placenta or whatever you do.
(via Getty Images/How-old.net)

One great thing about the Internet is that it's constantly giving us new ways to be judged — and thanks to new technology, we don't even need other people to pass judgement on us! (Do you hear that, American Idol panel? YOUR TALENTS WILL SOON BE RENDERED OBSOLETE.)

How-old.net is the newest way to let the Internet tell you what's wrong (or maybe right) with you. Simply upload your photo, and it will use algorithms to guess your age and gender. Like so:


With a few more years of experience, maybe that 44-year-old man will make something of himself! (via Getty Images/How-old.net)


Always ask how How-old.net what it thinks of your facelift, because its answer is "It works GREAT." (via Getty Images/How-old.net)

As you can tell by the images above, the site isn't The Most Accurate. The How-old.net algorithms also think that I am, at the very least, five years older than I actually am, so I guess I need to start wearing more sunscreen or something. Oh, and ladies, here's a tip if you want to look younger in photos — fake blood adds 15 years.


Maybe How-old.net thought that the blood is there because I'm a vampire, and it assumed that I must be older because I'm undead. (viaMeg Favreau/How-old.net)

3D printers are capable of amazing things. This is what we're using them for instead.

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Specialty machine parts, bionic limbs, synthetic organs... yeah, yeah yeah. Where's my Saved By the Bell keychain?


Now you can finally hear your novelty vibrator buzzing.

When 3D printers were first introduced, nary a major news source could refrain from declaring us on the verge of Utopia. "New organs for everyone!" they cried. "The end of capitalism?" they wondered. "Please buy our papers! This industry is dying!" they subtexted. What they all failed to realize was that the people who would actually buy and use 3D printers were not Tony Stark, but rather the kind of people who point out plot holes in Iron Man movies. Here's how the human race has been using the culmination of four thousand years of technological progress:


A small toy version of a video game character.(via Sqiubler)


Subpar pizza. (viaSerious Eats)


More video game guys. (viaBuzzfeed)


A boat modeled after this woman's vagina. (viaKotaku)


An actual, real-life, working gun. (viaMedium)


Really gross-looking hamburgers. (viaCNN)


Every item from the original Zelda game. (viaBuzzfeed)


Lots of little video game guys. (via Sqiubler)


Some kind of Buddha-Batman hybrid. Buddhman? Batddha?(via Wildevoodoo)


And, of course, a Hello Kitty sex toy. Because who doesn't want to be stimulated by a cartoon aimed at pre-pubescent children? Nobody. That's who. (viaBuzzfeed)

Well, congratulations to us, humanity. We've proven that even the most promising new technology can be wielded to create more plastic crap. It's only a matter of time before someone prints a life-sized replica of the Pacific Garbage Patch.

Flirting

Here's a thing: Texas Governor orders state military to monitor US military to prevent an invasion.

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So, yeah. This is happening: in solidarity with his looniest constituents, Governor Greg Abbot ordered the Texas State Guard to 'monitor' the United States military...possibly for signs they're setting up concentration camps in Walmarts.


Texas governor Greg Abbot, a man who fears the United States of America.

I don't know much about Gov. Greg Abbot's achievements as governor so far, except for this one: he makes people yearn for the sane and stable days of Rick Perry publicly contemplating secession (before running for President). To say that his voter base is somewhat right-leaning would be an understatement, a fact highlighted by this week's bizarre memo: "I am directing the Texas State Guard to monitor Operation Jade Helm 15...to ensure that Texans' safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed." This follows a number of town-hall demonstrations of, uh, very concerned people who are convinced Jade Helm is not what it claims.

To be fair, a spokesperson for the Governor denied he's pandering to ultra-right paranoids, saying, "He's addressing concerns expressed by Texas citizens that are looking for more information about the factors of the operation and have expressed safety concerns about property rights and civil liberties." Which raises the question: why didn't he just reassure citizens that they were wrong?

What is Jade Helm, according to our overlords?


A map of Operation Jade Helm, which (as someone who studied the Cold War) seems exactly like the kind of huge exercises we used to do to prepare for a large war overseas.

According to the Joint Special Operations Command press release announcing Jade Helm in March, it's a training exercise over a vast geographical area involving various branches of the Special Forces.

"While multi-state training exercises such as these are not unique to the military, the size and scope of Jade Helm sets this one apart. To stay ahead of the environmental challenges faced overseas, Jade Helm will take place across seven states. However, Army Special Operations Forces (ARSOF) will only train in five states: Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah and Colorado. The diverse terrain in these states replicates areas Special Operations Soldiers regularly find themselves operating in overseas...This exercise is routine training to maintain a high level of readiness for ARSOF since they must be ready to support potential missions anywhere in the world at a moment's notice."

A likely story. There is one spooky aspect of it, which is that some Special Forces will enter towns and cities undetected, a fact which the military has made sure to coordinate with local law enforcement, according to The Houston Chronicle. Roy Boyd, the Victoria County Sheriff's Office chief deputy, said, "They're going to set up cells of people and test how well they're able to move around without getting too noticed in the community. They're testing their abilities to basically blend in with the local environment and not stand out and blow their cover."

Why do people think it's a training exercise to take over America and put conservatives in concentration camps?

You can largely thank Texas conspiracist-in-chief Alex Jones and his InfoWars network for this one. You can watch him explain it yourself in this video, but let me give you the highlights:

  • It's a psychological warfare operation hidden in plain view.
  • Texas is a hostile sector (which it is, within the fictional parameters of this training exercise to simulate foreign environments).
  • It's also to prepare for subduing those pesky Mormons.
  • It may be a harbinger of Obama's refusal to give up power.

The Texas Military (yep) has three branches, one of which is the Texas State Guard. In response to Gov. Abbot's request, officials with the State Guard confirmed they'd been asked to monitor the military and provide updates on their movements, but have not yet formulated a plan. Perhaps because that plan would involve somehow attaining informational superiority over the most intimidating fighting force in the planet's history. And, according to the crazies, the Russians:

In conclusion, let me say this: the idea that there's an increasingly authoritarian atmosphere in this country is not crazy. The idea that it will come to a crescendo with an overt military action against the citizens of this country is crazy...if only because we're perfectly willing to militarize our local law enforcement and empower a police state without being coerced. The military regularly pretends American territory is a fictional foreign battleground—after all, other countries are even less pumped when thousands of US troops show up and wage fake wars.

Drinking

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