Hey, ladies! This video does a fantastic job of showing the kind of demeaning and idiotic garbage that you women are forced to deal with on a daily basis. I highly recommend you sit down and watch it with your boyfriend, husband or some other male in your life. That way, you'll have someone around to explain any of the more complicated concepts it touches upon.*
* Attempt at humor joke.
Please show your support to @jack_woodward92 London Marathon GIANT TESTICLES POWER!! https://t.co/HQM8p4cyBApic.twitter.com/1y3iXOTXCw
— Mr Testicles (@MrTesticles) April 24, 2015
What you expect from genitals is personal, but probably not as varied as it could be. A penis can be used in all sorts of unexpected and surprising ways if you have the imagination and flexibility to let in something new. For example, Jack Woodward ran the London Marathon dressed as testes to raise money for cancer research. That scrotum not only promoted cancer awareness, it ran a damn marathon! And that's just the base of what a penis can be. Let's move onto the main event.
Here are 10 examples of gonads that really went above and beyond the norm. If you've never been impressed by a phallus maybe this is the list that'll make you say, "Oooooooh!"
Posted by Wanksy - Road Artist on Saturday, April 4, 2015
An anonymous artist who calls himself Wanksy started using temporary paint to tag potholes in his town with wangs to call attention to the terrible state of the roads and warn bikers from a distance. Now those holes are getting filled.
You carry a little piece of them inside you.(via Mark Sturkenboom)
Mark Sturkenboom designed a dildo that can hold up to 21 grams of a loved one's ashes, so you can be reunited with them again and again. A sexual experience that can connect you to the afterlife is more than you've ever even wanted to dream of.
Complain all you want, selfies are here to stay. Thankfully, we have the makers of the "Svakom Gaga USB Rechargeable Camera Intimate View Endoscope Vibrator" to innovate new ways to overshare. You may have casually wondered what it looks like on the inside (and more intensely wondered how it feels), but would need a sterile doctor interaction to see. Now you can do it yourself or with another interested party! Thank you, love stick.
Bondara is a sex toy company so that explains why they transformed the Iron Throne into a dildo sculpture. It doesn't explain why no one else ever thought of it before. Isn't the throne a metaphor for how men are f*cking up the Seven Kingdoms and only the Mother of Dragons can tame it? We know what all those twisted swords REALLY are, George.
He's not just packing a peel.(via Vice)
Micha is 45-year-old German guy who is into body modification in one very specific place. Over the years, he has injected enough silicone into his penis to enlarge it beyond what most human's can probably endure...on both ends. It weighs 7 pounds and requires a lot of care, but Micah is both dedicated and comfortable with his body. Truly an inspiration for anyone who wants to walk a path less taken.
Poop preserved. (Image from the Regional Office of the Protection of Monuments, via Discovery News)
This is a dick that helps us remember our place in history. On a cosmic scale, human evolution is merely the blink of an eye. How many crude, penis shaped objects did our ancient ancestors carve from tree roots or fashion by banging two rocks together? One day we too shall perish, leaving behind only dust and maybe a dildo we dropped down a latrine by accident. We're just a link in a chain, my friends.
Oh, hey.(via Imgur)
If your mom is a professional cake-maker, you've probably seen it all. It's unclear if this person's mom is specifically an erotic cake-maker or if this is for a baby shower (It's a Boy!), but it sure looks tasty. Great job, mom. Thanks for opening our minds to how friendly and delicious a dong can be.
It was their first time. (via Sky News)
Doctors in Cape Town completed the first successful penis transplant, using microscopic surgery to connect small blood vessels and nerves. It's the same technique that was used for the lady who got a face transplant. It took 9 hours to complete and FIVE YEARS to plan. This penis is a metaphor for possibilities.
"Oh no, did I block you in?"(via LOLsnaps)
It's spring, everybody! Let's all celebrate with whatever we're packing.
I accept the cake, but not your resignation.
When Mark Herman left his job as a newscast director at Tucson-based KOLD-TV, he knew his boss and colleagues would be disappointed. So he decided to sweeten the bitter news with literal frosting and had his resignation letter printed on a cake.
Herman had already emailed the news to his boss, but she requested a hard copy of the letter, Herman told Jim Romenesko.
When she got the cake, “She laughed and said, 'No way! You crack me up!' …She took it over to the 2 o'clock news meeting and made the announcement to everyone. We all had a good laugh, and it was a great way to start a Friday. The cake definitely made the bad news a little bit more palatable.”
In case you're wondering the best way to leave your own job, the cake had strawberry filling and whipped cream frosting.
Last month we wrote about a man who injected his penis with silicone until it weighed seven pounds. Now, here's a man whose obsession with enlarging part of his body doesn't prevent him from having normal sex, but it did almost kill him. There's a common theme to both stories: once you start, it's hard to stop.
Romario Dos Santos Alves is a 25-year-old husband and father from Caldas Novas, Brazil. He has dreams of becoming a professional bodybuilder. But he learned the hard way that shortcuts just aren't worth it. And now he wants to convince others.
In 2012, Alves moved to the big city of Goiania. He started hitting the gym, and fell in with some bodybuilders with massive arms. They turned him on to synthol. A mixture of oil, lidocaine, and alcohol, synthol is used by some bodybuilders to artificially increase the size of their muscles without exercise. It's called "fluffing." The effects are immediate, but unfortunately, so are the side effects.
Synthol contains toxic compounds that can cause embolisms, infections, nerve damage, and stroke. It also forms cysts in the muscles, turning them rock-hard and causing further complications. Plus, the enlargements are just cosmetic. Using it doesn't actually make you any stronger.
Alves knew all these things, but it didn't matter. Before long he was hooked, and injecting more than any of his gym buddies. When he could no longer reach the spots he needed to inject, he got his wife to do it. He even lied and said it wasn't permanent, just so she would agree to help him. His biceps became deformed as the synthol hardened his muscles, until they were, as he says, "filled with rocks." His arms were in constant pain, too hard to puncture with a normal syringe. So he got one designed for bulls. Children were frightened by his appearance, but he couldn't stop. He became depressed and even attempted suicide, which cost him his job. Meanwhile, his wife was six months pregnant.
His health deteriorated further. He nearly suffered kidney failure due to poisoning from the synthol. His arms contained necrotic tissue. A doctor told him the only way to save his life would be to have one of his arms amputated. But on the day he went to the hospital for the procedure, he got some amazing news. The doctor performed a CAT scan and realized he could cut out the synthol "rocks" without removing the arm. Alves had been given a second chance.
He hasn't used synthol since 2013, but he still feels the temptation. He even bought himself estigor, a horse hormone, but had a traumatic flashback just as he was about to inject it. He threw the syringe in the trash.
Alves still dreams of being a professional bodybuilder, but he's determined to do it the natural way. And now he wants to warn others of the dangers of synthol and similar products. He dreamed of being the Hulk, but there was one thing he forgot: even Bruce Banner doesn't want to be the Hulk.
You see a lot when you work at a blog, trying to find stories to astound, amuse and amaze. This is only the second time ever I've watched something and yelled, "Oh my god." The other time was about the #KylieJennerLipChallenge, which involved mutilated faces, so that's the bar.
This video features what looks like a run-of-the-mill slimy earthworm. Nothing too exciting to see there, unless you're a ten-year-old boy who wants to torment his little sister. Then–BOOM. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
Here's a list of things I thought when that white stuff came out:
The video is captioned in Thai and was posted to Reddit on Sunday with the question, "What is it?"
The answer is in the caption, also in Thai, and some Google Translate reveals the animal is called a Nemertea, or ribbon worm. Those white strings are its proboscis, an elongated nose, rather like what a butterfly uses to drink nectar. Wonderful...the nightmare worm is hungry.
I never heard about Josh Hawkins before. And now, I never want to hear about anything else. I don't care how many takes were necessary to film this, he is a talented man. The last one with the knife? That's insane.
Incidentally, Hawkins's website says that he is a devoted Christian. I'm not a religious man, but if it will let me do what he does, I'll pray to anything. He's made a believer out of me.
These are the cave drawings we're leaving for future generations to discover. (via BroBible)
As depicted above, a man creatively used pictures instead of words to ask a woman named Amanda on Tinder to have sex with him. It clearly required at least some effort, since it takes way longer to find the desired emojis than it does to type the words "Me you do kissing hot sex then pizza?" Oh wait, he was probably just copy/pasting the string of emojis to everyone on Tinder. Anyway, here was Amanda's genius pictorial response:
Short answer: no. I will not have sex and pizza with you. (via BroBible)
Not only did this dude know he'd been bested, he realized this woman's response was a total gem and he submitted the screengrabs to BroBible (only click if you are a real man, OK?). In an ideal world he has learned from his mistake, but I have a feeling he's going to keep sending the same message to women on Tinder. Who knows, maybe now he can only get off to the sight of a breathtaking combination of emojis turning him down for sex.
For years, leaked sex tapes have skyrocketed otherwise non-relevant people into stardom. But what if you already were famous and want to remain relevant? You too may benefit from having a sex tape.
Sean "Diddy" Combs (a rapper best known for his appearance on The Chris Gethard Show in 2011) set his sights on making the most well-produced sex tape the world has ever seen. No one has time for these long, drawn out "put the camera over there- no - over here" moments. We want our sex tapes to be under a minute, and as weird as possible (since we've already seen so many). Thankfully, Diddy delivered.
Let me give you a rundown if can't watch the video without someone asking if you're watching porn:
-Diddy realizes somewhere down an alley that a girl needs some sex. He sprints like a superhero toward her since this is a matter of life or death.
-Surprise flashback: she's not down the alley at all. She's in the car with Diddy, stepping out of it casually. But we know the truth. She wants to have some sex.
-Yep! Flash forward, in her apartment. Diddy has sex with her everywhere.
-As the sex and running continues, the director uses a consistent avant-garde visual metaphor for sex that is as subtle as it is brilliant: Diddy sits on grassy knoll, fully clothed, with a naked lady on top of him.
-More running.
-Back to the grassy knoll.
-Now they're having sex in a nightclub and an apartment and a bed.
-The knoll has a blood moon hovering over it, a clear nod to the conspiracy theory that the FBI killed JFK on the grassy knoll in Dallas.
-Now that the audience is sufficiently confused into being horny, Diddy finally gets the girl in bed and starts having some sex.
Only after you've seen all that do you realize this sex tape wasn't for Diddy to remain relevant. It was an ad for his cologne called 3 AM which I'm guessing got its name from politics and the proverbial "3 AM phone call" because for Diddy, someone needing some good sex is a matter of national concern.
The main selling point of the cologne is that it will convince people to make sex tapes with you. Go buy some.
Can you spot it? (Via Getty Images)
This is a big deal in two ways, as it's reportedly the first time the British singer showed up at a fancy red carpet event with Robert Pattinson, a human vampire, and also you can totally see a cartoon penis on that dress, designed by Christoper Kane. (Look closely at her leg—you found Waldo.)
Yep, that's the one. (Via Getty Images)
So, who wore it best: FKA Twigs or Robert Pattinson?
Woman tries to find man she kissed at Boston Marathon, hears from his wife instead:http://t.co/KtShpIKu5rpic.twitter.com/3Fl7Vw4Tga
— SB Nation (@SBNation) May 4, 2015
It's a tradition in the town of Wellesley that the women of Wellesley College offer kisses to men running the Boston Marathon. On a dare from her daughter, Barbara Tatge reversed the genders of the tradition and kissed a handsome man on her run through town. She sent it to her daughter Paige as proof, who then sent it to local paper The Wellesley Townsman, where it went viral.
If you were hoping for a romantic ending in which two good people find love in an unlikely place, look elsewhere. Barbara did hear back about her handsome stranger. Unfortunately, it was from his wife.
The married couple prefers to remain anonymous, but the wife submitted a letter to The Townsman telling Barbara to back the hell off! Just kidding, she was actually very nice. She wrote:
When this story aired on the news we were pretty surprised. For me, I'm not mad. Believe me, our friends have gotten a lot of mileage out of this story and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching them give my husband grief! While this may not be the ending that you had hoped for, that spontaneous, silly moment in Wellesley captured the fun, energy and spirit of the Boston Marathon...I greatly admire your spunk and courage and wish you many happy races in the future. Congratulations on your Boston finish!
For her part, Tatge wishes the whole story would go away. She never expected the kind of attention she's getting and appreciates the wife's kind-hearted response. She plans to run the Boston marathon again, but says, "Moving forward, I'm going to revert to only kissing single men."
Yeah, yeah. Me too.
Daniele Watts, the Django Unchained actress who made a scene after a cop asked for her ID, pled no contest to a charge of "disturbing the peace." The charge of "lewd conduct" was dropped as long as she promised to apologize to the police officer she immediately called "racist" for asking for her ID.
The police were initially called to the scene because someone saw her having sex in her car with her white boyfriend WITH THE DOOR OPEN. To be fair, we've all enjoyed fooling around in a car but it's usually because we're in high school, and have nowhere better to do it. Also, when the cops showed up, you showed your ID and said "no, we weren't just having sex" and got on with your life.
This story took a different turn as the actress immediately called the cop racist and told him threateningly that she had both a publicist and a dad. Wow! The double whammy!
There's a lot going on in the news about cops misusing power and straight up murdering people. In this instance someone made a small issue way bigger than it needed to be. The only real lesson I've learned is that if you want to have sex in a car, do it at a drive-in movie theater. There are no rules there.
If you're wondering why years of hard work in your field haven't gotten you the attention you think you deserve, ask yourself this: have you ever dressed as a superhero and gone to the White House?
If you answered no, you're not trying hard enough. The President doesn't fist bump some random Pulitzer Prize winner or scientists who cure diseases. Have those people ever saved the entire world from aliens? Nope. So they should move aside.
I am going to the White House this weekend dressed as Iron Man. I'm going to drop from a hot air balloon and break through a window, and if that doesn't get me a group hug from the Secret Service again, I don't know what will.
This young woman had so much difficulty getting her mom to notice her engagement ring, she may have thought it turned invisible. Although it took quite a few painfully obvious hand-flashings before her mother realized what was going on, the payoff is sooooo worth it. HINT: there's a lot of screaming.
I don't even know these people and I teared up. Congratulations to the newly-engaged couple and the super-human levels of enthusiasm exhibited by the mother-of-the-bride. I hope someone has a camera when she finds out she's going to be a grandmother, because she is going to lose. Her. Shit.
