Robert Green and his mom shared an emotional moment over the phone when he gave her the good news.

This is one of those moments you fantasize about. Your dream has just come true, so you call your mom to tell her about it, and she loses her shit. Then you lose your shit. Then you're on two ends of a phone call, both screaming and blubbering with snot coming out of your nose. One of those moments.

Robert Green must have known it was going to be special. That's why he caught it on video. But that doesn't explain why he didn't put on a shirt. Put on a shirt, Robert. Or at least take those nipple piercings out.

Then again, who am I to judge? I'm not dancing for T-Swift. You do you, man.

These guys video taped themselves waking up an angry octopus and then it made them pay.

What a bunch of jerks these guys are! They go out of their way to wake up an itty-bitty napping octopus inside of an adorable shell. Then, when it very reasonably gets PISSED, they mess with it some more. The whole thing culminates with one dumb bro throwing the poor little cephalopod at another dumb bro, who shrieks and runs off.

Guess they weren't expecting this:

Maybe there's a pearl inside...(screenshot via Viral Hog)

To turn into this:

VENGEANCE!(screenshot via Viral Hog)

Be careful, bros. One day the octopus will take over the land and their people have a long memory.

On the second anniversary of their first date, a couple was pulled over again for a much better reason.

After watching a bunch of marriage proposals that went horribly wrong, it's nice to see one that went so right. Especially when it had the potential to crash and burn.

This man, identified only as Mr. Ross, was on a first date two years ago when the cops pulled him over. Despite the embarrassment, a romance blossomed. Two years later, Mr. Ross had an idea. The second anniversary of that date was approaching, so he enlisted two Royal Oak police officers to help him with a proposal for the ages.

On the actual anniversary, the cops pulled the couple over yet again, and made them both get out. With surprising commitment, the police claimed that Ross was in possession of contraband and made him step out of the vehicle to frisk him. Instead of contraband, they found a ring. Ross proposed on the spot.

Of course the whole thing was planned. As soon as she saw the ring box, the future Mrs. Ross knew what was up. She turned to her boyfriend and said the words every man longs to hear: "You are such a dick." Then she started crying and said yes, but the dick thing is what they'll remember.

This is a very sweet and romantic moment, but as I said before, there are a lot of ways it could have gone wrong. I'll list just a few:

1. The cops pull over the wrong car and get into a shootout.
2. He forgets the ring and they have to actually arrest him for something to save face.
3. The cops get too zealous frisking him and go for the full cavity search.
4. He actually was carrying drugs and goes to jail.
5. She was carrying drugs and runs off.
6. Everyone gets pepper sprayed.
7. The taxpayers get mad their money was spent on this.
8. She says no.

But none of those things happened! So it's all good.

1. Mike Huckabee Would, Once Again, Like You To Consider Possibly Voting For Him

Well, it's another presidential election cycle, so that means that former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee is once again putting on his "Aw, shucks!" face and acting like a person who never said that HIV victims should be "isolated from the general population" in preparation for the media circuit he will embark upon now that he is running for president... again. This time, though, he's got a really good feeling about it.

This morning, Republican Mike Huckabee announced the beginning of his third unsuccessful Presidential campaign.
— Adam Cozens (@Adam_Cozens) May 5, 2015

I'll be honest, if I have to hear about Mike Huckabee entering something, I'm relieved it's the presidential race
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) May 5, 2015

2. Chris Brown Back To Doing What He Does Best (Hint: It's Not Singing)

R&B singer/dangerous hot-head Chris Brown is reportedly being sought after by Las Vegas authorities for allegedly punching some dude during a pickup basketball game. I hear that police are considering giving "Chris Brown assault" its own scanner code.

"You can't throw a chair through your problems" - chris brown's therapist
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) March 31, 2015

"Please stop punching my rib cage" - chris brown's therapist
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) April 7, 2015

3. Floyd Mayweather Leaves Door Open For Making Another $180 Million

Boxing champion Floyd Mayweather has told ESPN's Stephen A. Smith that he would be willing to step into the ring once again and have a super depressingly boring fight with Manny Pacquiao before going home and depositing another $180 million dollars into his bank account. No word yet on whether Pacquiao would also be open to becoming hundreds of millions of dollars richer.

Floyd Mayweather's record is 48-0, however his wife says it's at least 49-0.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) May 4, 2015

4. Minor 'Star Wars' Character Who Died Stupid Death To Get His Own Movie

Lucasfilm has announced that its second standalone action film set in the Star Wars universe will be an origin story for Boba Fett, an almost completely passive character who first appeared in The Empire Strikes Back and then died almost immediately in Return of the Jedi. Very exciting news!

What do we need a Boba Fett origin movie for? We know his origin. He was a clone and he picked up his dad's head and became a bounty hunter.
— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) May 5, 2015

5. Wal-Mart Denies Part In Imminent U.S. Invasion Of Texas

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. is denying accounts that it is allowing the U.S. Department of Defense to build tunnels under several of its locations to allow U.S. soldiers to enter the southwest and seize control of Texas, as well as several other states. "There's no truth to the rumors," a Wal-Mart spokesperson told Talking Points memo. Of course, that's exactly what we'd expect them to say.

Photo smuggled out of TX showing tunnels built under Walmart being used by our enemies #JadeHelm15#WalmartClosingspic.twitter.com/L8yjpaSSUY
— Gen JC Xtian patriot (@JC_Christian) May 3, 2015

Our favorite meme of the week comes courtesy of Rihanna's always bold fashion choices.

I didn't have anything to wear, so I threw on the curtains from a haunted bordello.
(via Getty)

Thank you, celebrities, for constantly trying to outdo each other for "most impractical hat" or whatever the Hollywood status symbol du jour is. And thank you, Internet, for the immediacy you bring to mocking red carpet insanity. The Met Gala is the perfect storm of pretension and dramatic entrances needed to really get Twitter frothing, with all sorts of people vying for most ridiculous looks, but Rihanna is our QUEEN. Does she look amazing? Yes. Does she also look like an omelette? Yes.

Here are some of the Internet's best Rihanna memes from last night:

Receita de omelete a La Rihanna #MetGalapic.twitter.com/CAirTPmOrV
— Renata Lins (@renahlins) May 5, 2015

Get a Rihanna in 30 minutes or less:

A show-stopping @rihanna shows up as a Double Stuffed-Crust Pizza to the #MetGala. Designed by @pizzahut. pic.twitter.com/j3Hu9Us5bg
— Jenni pulos (@Jennipulos) May 5, 2015

Fowl play was suspected:

Rihanna Big Bird #MeetGala2015pic.twitter.com/YeVTrEn8Vb
— Joa15inho (@joa15inho) May 5, 2015

Or she's just a Fan Girl:

Omelette? SpongeBob? Big Bird? Here are the best memes of Rihanna's yellow Met Ball dress http://t.co/uCHs4cFhx9pic.twitter.com/rtY5WEtu4E
— V.Point (@VPointNews) May 5, 2015

Stay safe:

Rihanna meet me at 5:30 pm, but remember, bring me a condom, ok!.. pic.twitter.com/BaXzCinFb6
— Stu Wright (@blueskiesecho) May 5, 2015

Wow, so romantic:

There's no place like home:

Rihanna's Met Gala dress: We found memes in a hopeless place http://t.co/xVcdldKzAOpic.twitter.com/Gum4iReUIZ
— Mashable (@mashable) May 5, 2015

Thank you for your music and thank you for making me enjoy memes about dresses again, Rihanna.

Beyoncé apparently isn't able to reproduce asexually, providing us an endless number of Bey clones, so instead she's signing promising teenage singers.

Blue Ivy applauds her mother's decision and business acumen. (via Getty Images)

OK, I'm not 100% sure Beyoncé is trying to make these YouTube gals into Beyoncettes,, but Bey is trying to develop their careers. She just signed sister duo Chloe and Halle Bailey (the latter name is also a great name for a Halle Barry impersonator) and solo artist Sophie Beem to her Parkwood Entertainment company. According to Page Six, Beyoncé's manager found a video online of Chloe and Halle covering Bey's "Pretty Hurts," which is what lead to their signing.

The girls aren't complete strangers to showbiz (and neither am I, which you can tell by the fact that I used the word "showbiz" instead of "showbusiness"). In addition to their YouTube videos, they've appeared in films like Last Holiday, and Chloe also appeared in The Fighting Temptations, starring Beyoncé.

Sophie Beem, meanwhile, is a 16-year-old singer/songwriter who previously made it to the top 40 on The X Factor (a show which I always wish was actually about the X-Men splinter team X-Factor). Here she is performing at a TEDx event in 2013:

I really do hope that Beyoncé puts these girls through some manner of Beyoncé training camp, which in my mind is like Space Camp, if Space Camp was about wearing dope leotards and being fierce.

30 minutes or less or it's free, even if our employee gets carjacked and stabbed in the back.

Behold the power of cheese pizza.
(image via Thinkstock)

In Louisville, Kentucky, a pizza delivery guy named Josh Lewis was stabbed in the back and had his car stolen. The thief failed, however, to escape with the most precious cargo in the car: someone's pizza.

Luckily, Josh was delivering said pizza to someone at a hospital. Josh, knowing full well that important business is fueled by pizza, decided to deliver the pizza before asking to be taken to an emergency unit. I hope one of the surgeons who operated on Josh took a bite of the pizza before scrubbing up.

All of the above happened at 2:30 in the afternoon. So, the real moral is: don't live there. They have no respect for human life, and even less respect for hungry doctors and nurses' need for timely pizza deliveries.

If you want proof that pizza is the most important thing to Josh, the first thing he did while recovering in the hospital was order one. That delivery driver did not suffer a similar fate.

We hope you enjoyed your week without a new episode of 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians,' the show that gives us the memo that our lives are merely an aimless bundle of poor choices that will never lead us to usurping someone else's empire!

We did! What did you do during your week of peace? During our time off, we deluded ourselves into thinking we'd do hot yoga.

“Buggy Boo," the newest episode, has an abundance (abundance being something the Kardashians cornered the market on) of things we'll never know: the ability to name-drop Michael Jackson and Spike Jonze, the pressures of being a budding 17-year-old real estate tycoon, and, obviously, dune buggies. It is unclear why “Boo" is a part of the episode title, but we assume it's a subtle reminder from matriarch, executive producer, and ageless specimen Kris Jenner that we should fear her family's voracious pursuit of power. More power to them! It works! We're terrified! Because… some nights… we can't sleep when we think about the Kardashians and have to break out the Snoopy night-light.

Here are the 5 moments we accepted we'd only keep up if we were born with a different set of DNA:

1. The only projects you worked on at 17 were group projects you ended up doing by yourself, and you didn't get the credit you deserved, financial or otherwise. (Thanks a lot, Josh and Stacey. Hope you guys had fun making out while I made a diorama about General Patton.)

2. You don't have security to carry out your dirtiest task, carrying your drunk pseudo-brother-in-law around.

3. You're proud to shoot your baby on your own iPhone and toss in copyrighted music, not music your husband copyrighted.

4. No one in your family is upset about which corporations are sponsoring your non-existent dune buggy.

5. Your kids may have trouble living up to Jesus' example, but not because they're directly competing with him.

A McDonald's restaurant in England now requires patrons to take a breathalyzer test before entering, in a move that will sink profits by 6 bajillion percent.

McDonald's is a classy establishment for classy people, not drunks!
(image via Getty)

The number one place you immediately regret eating while drunk now wants to protect you from yourself and your dumb choices. JK, they don't want you passing out at the counter anymore while trying to order a Big Mac.

In an effort to prevent drunk monsters from ruining the integrity of the always-pristine chain restaurant, a McDonald's in the UK will now require visibly drunk patrons to take a breathalyzer before entering. Ladies and gentlemen, our basic freedoms have been compromised! First, you can't go to McDonald's drunk. Next thing you know, you can't drunkenly watch a pee-wee cricket game when you're not "actually a parent of one of the players." It's nonsense.

The McDonald's in question is right near Trinity College in Cambridge, where a budding journalist for the student newspaper has already called the move "a flagrant and horrific violation of our human rights." Damn right, future leader of the world. This "must be sober" rule at McDonald's is this generation's segregated lunch counter. The only way to protest, is by getting extremely hammered and throwing up food from another chain restaurant before storming out. Power to the people!

This would never happen at Taco Bell, since people only eat there while extremely high.

So long, Cambridge. You'll never get to see stuff like this again:

The many faces of Concerned Kitten.

Bothered. (via)

You probably didn't even realize it as it was happening, but just about two months ago, the most amazing cat was born. No, this amazing cat does not talk or fly or play piano or write staggeringly sad songs about loss. The reason why this cat is so amazing is that it was born with patterns on the fur above its eyes that make it look like it's worried.

I know, right?!

Disturbed. (via)

His real name is Gary—for Gary Barlow, a British musician who has been known to raise his eyebrows on occasion—but his human caregivers Andy and Caroline Entwistle have taken to calling him Concerned Kitten.

Anxious.(via)

'When he was born there were just these two little black blotches on his forehead," Andy Entwistle explained to the Daily Mail in an exclusive interview. "As he grew they got bigger and started to spread out. We started saying how confused he looked so I penned him 'Concerned Kitten,' and it's just stuck."

Unnerved. (via)

While we can assume that Concerned Kitten will eventually be embarking upon a multi-continent tour to touch the lives of the masses with his adorable apprehensiveness, there is no mention of such plans in the article or on his Instagram page. I'll be checking back often, so I'll keep you posted.

Disquieted. (via)

To see Gary's full collection of expressions—including perturbed, distressed, distracted, qualmy, preoccupied and skittish—check out his Instagram page and his Facebook page.

1.

Ironically, cops probably know the best places to score cocaine.(via imgur)

Don't do drugs, but especially don't do drugs and then post under the influence (save that for Snapchat). Below are some of the best examples of why drugs and social media just don't mix.

2.

Should have set it for 9.00(via lamebook)

3.

Call me old fashioned, but I think children should be born before they choose to do drugs.(via reddit)

4.

A valid question.(via reddit)

5.

Is it available for two-day shipping?(via reddit)

6.

While typing on your phone.(via Whisper)

7.

Safety first.(via lamebook)

8.

I wonder if they got pulled over.(via Whisper)

9.

We've gone too deep. (via lamebook)

10.

You'd have to be pretty high to think burlap drapes were a good idea.(via lamebook)

11.

One of those Amish stoplights. (via lamebook)

Texting is now second on the list of things not to do while driving now that this video appeared:

Sometimes you want to take a selfie while driving but your hair just keeps acting up! This Canadian woman found a solution that some ugly transportation officials find dangerous. Whatever. If you're having a bad hair day, you don't have time to hold the wheel with either hand or watch where you're going.

According to the people who made the video, the woman was going 90 km/h (about 55 mph (you're welcome)). The police have not identified the driver, but anyone getting out of her car with absolutely stunning hair should be questioned.

I hope she becomes a YouTube star who only makes dangerous life hack videos like: "How to make toast while you shower" and "Knife Flossing."

I know Australia has universal health care, but this is ridiculous.

This koala, who's been nicknamed Blinky Bill, is about as chill a creature as I've ever seen. He just strolls right into the waiting room of this hospital like he owns the place, straight through the automatic doors. What kind of animal isn't even freaked out by automatic doors?

The staff at Western District Health Service hospital were so delighted by Blinky Bill, they put this video on their website. Even for a hospital in western Victoria, Australia, this was an unusual occurrence. Chief executive Rohan Fitzgerald told ABC:

"Normally we don't have people come into our emergency department that are less than a foot tall."

Which is the cutest way of saying they don't have a pediatric wing.

Apparently, Blinky Bill wandered around for about 3 minutes until one of the doors wouldn't open for him, and left. Hospital workers noticed him, but decided not to disturb him. That's what makes Australia great. If this had happened in the US, not only would he have been kicked out, he would have been slapped with a $5,000 hospital bill just for setting foot in there.

We can make him better than he was. Better... stronger... drunker.

He's more machine than man!(via)

In case you're not familiar with it, rugby is a man's sport, like football, hockey, boxing or competitive hammer throwing. A man's sport is pretty much any activity in which there is a 70 percent or higher chance that you will walk away either physically or mentally disfigured. One of the ways that society keeps men interested in these sports is by plying them with alcohol. It's one of the reason why the words "sports" and "bar" are so commonly paired.

Argentinian brewery Cerveza Salta took this to particularly interesting lengths recently when it paid to have a bunch of rugby players fitted with permanent bottle openers in their jaws where teeth once were before rugby happened. There is a tiny bit of dental horror in this video, so click at your own peril:

I'm glad to see that somebody is finally putting science to good use.

If you're wondering how much time watching porn at work is too much, we have an answer: 39 hours out of 82 hours. That's too much.

Come to me, porn. I beckon thee closer! (via Thinkstock)

A Baltimore Public Works employee at the Back River Wastewater Treatment Plant was fired earlier this year after an investigation revealed that he spent almost half of his work time in a two-week period — 39 hours — watching porn. How did he even find the time? There are some two-week periods where I barely get 39 hours of sleep. While there are a lot of things you can say about this guy, you can't claim he doesn't know his priorities.

The investigation was initiated after the Mayor's Office of Information Technology received a tip about the employee in the summer of 2014, and research into the computer's logs revealed that there were no porn files on the computer or in the browsing history, but there was a pornographic DVD in the DVD drive. The Office of the Inspector General then monitored the employee's computer use for two weeks, and according to the report on the investigation, this was the result:

Operation: Who Watches the Porn Watchers? (via the Office of the Inspector General)

My first assumption was "I bet this dumb-dumb just had porn going on a browser tab he wasn't paying attention to." But oh, no — according to monitoring software installed on his computer, the porn was a DVD, and it was played in full-screen mode. I mean, I get it, guy — multitasking sucks. If you're going to jerk it at work, you want to actually focus on jerking it at work.

Also, as far as I can figure out from the report, the employee was watching the same one DVD over and over. This isn't just a fuckton of time watching porn, this is a fuckton of time watching the same porn. I've come up with some theories about what might've actually been happening:

• The employee's recently deceased mother was an adult film actress, and this one DVD was the last visual record he has of her. Watching it was him mourning and honoring her memory.
• He was working on a screenplay that satirized the malaise and corruption endemic in Baltimore Public Works, and his model was a parody of this particular pornographic film (title for his version: Baltimore Pubic Works).
• The employee had discovered a secret code, hidden in the woven blankets on the porn's fluid-soaked couches, that was leading him to discover the true identity of the Zodiac killer. And by firing this man, humanity has lost its last hope of finding truth and justice for his murders.
• Dude just really loved jizzing in the office.

Hopefully the fired man is applying for a job at the EPA, where you can watch up to six hours of porn a day without getting fired.

A woman had her son fake-arrested to teach him a lesson about being disrespectful.

The Avengers would not be happy with his behavior. (via wrbl)

Chiquita Hill of Columbus, Georgia is a one-woman Scared Straight program. She was concerned about her son's behavior; he was acting out in school and refusing to do his homework. Hill worries that as he gets older, his disrespect of authority figures could lead him down a dangerous path. She believes being "disrespectful at any age to anyone, now, could get you killed." Although Hill did not say this, an accurate addendum to that sentence could be "by cops."

When the police arrived, the officers spoke to Hill about the details of her son's impending mock-arrest to make sure she was cool with it. Shortly after, the cops entered the house, handcuffed her 10-year-old son and put him in the back of the squad car for ten minutes. Guess what? He did not like it.

Hill documented the arrest of her crying child and posted the photos on Facebook. They received a huge response, both in favor and against. Whether you think it was a good idea or not, she accomplished her goal of getting through to her son. Sometimes you need some hands-on parenting to get the message across.

(via wrbl)

(via wrbl)

In regards to her son's future, Hill says "I want him to grow up to be successful and respectful." Hopefully, gun-wielding authority figures will act the same way.

Below is a clip of the news story.

I think I've seen this movie before.(image via Thinkstock)

Hey, dads! Ever spent Mother's Day racing through a J.C. Penney last-minute, trying to snag a pathetic basket of bath soaps so your wife's special day isn't ruined? Well, she may have found a new man to disappoint her. Ashley Madison, the dating site for adulterers, reports an abnormally high number of sign-ups the day after Mother's Day (which they thankfully don't refer to as "Milf Monday"). Some people chalk this spike (which they thankfully don't refer to as "The Motherload") up to moms having a depressingly bad Mother's Day. While that's probably part of what's going on here, I choose to believe it's because so many enlightened husbands have given their wives the Mother's Day gift of opening up their marriage.

But just in case, here's a brief gift guide for all the would-be cuckolds out there:

1. Weekend spa getaway = she'll hang on for one more year.
2. A first edition of a book she loves = harmless flirting with her spin class instructor.
3. Jewelry purchased at a mall kiosk = a boozey, lingering hug with an old high school boyfriend.
4. A Yankee scented candle = hand stuff with a coworker during a staff retreat.
5. A card and flowers = a fling with a suave, swarthy artist who still has all his hair.
6. Nothing = a Chardonnay-fueled romp with your best friend in your Barca lounger.
7. Any kind of kitchen or cleaning appliance she didn't explicitly ask for = divorce papers.

If you don't trust a report from a site that was created for the express purpose of encouraging spouses to lie to one another, here's a somewhat depressing personal account of a woman who gave herself the gift of getting her groove back after another lackluster Mother's Day:

Derek is only 48, but he might as well be in his 70s — he's always tired and unmotivated. We have sex about once a week, though it's hardly passionate. I never orgasm and just go through the motions.
So, the day after Mother's Day, I set up a profile on the cheaters' website Ashley Madison.

I'd had a bit to drink and was feeling flirtatious, so I wrote how I was a voluptuous brunette looking to have an affair. Within minutes, I had responses from several guys, including a man called Tom with three children. He was 42, worked in the medical field and his marriage was even more dysfunctional than mine. He wasn't having sex with his wife at all.

I guess Tom didn't get that carbon fiber putter he wanted for Father's Day. :'(

We first had sex three weeks later, at a Best Western off Route 80. It sounds seedy, but it wasn't. The sex wasn't the best thing since sliced bread, just very intimate and passionate.

Describing sex as "not the best thing since sliced bread" is almost as weird as describing sex as "the best thing since sliced bread," but the larger point is that women don't cease to be sexual beings once they have kids (it's the 90s!). While lying and cheating are wrong, it's also wrong to not give the mother of your children convulsive, bone-rattling multiple orgasms on the reg.

Happy Mother's Day!

The only hotel where the customer leaves something on the pillow (her tears).

If only there were a "crying room" at work.
(image via Thinkstock)

Japan, the purveyor of weird services like hostess clubs and "pod hotels" (where your room is the size of your body), has finally outdone itself. You can now stay in a hotel room specifically designed for crying. That is, of course, as long as you're a woman.

The room comes with tissues and sad movies to watch, so any woman can unwind and bawl her eyes out all night long. It's the perfect spot for a getaway (from a guy who just dumped you) or a sweet date night (if you're in a loving relationship with a pint of Ben & Jerry's).

No word on when they will make a hotel like this for men. Though we still need one:

Yet another reason to cry: no hotel devoted to our feelings!
(image via Thinkstock)

Add this to the list of 6,045 weird things you know about Japan. Here's another thing that goes on there:

Not weird at all!

(via Giphy)

"Very bad idea and the end result was very, very bad." — Marvel's CEO on a film about a female hero, because ladies, he totally gets our interests.

The look on Black Widow's face is the same incredulous look I gave when reading this email. (via Marvel Entertainment)

The way Disney, Sony, and Marvel deal with female characters in their superhero films has been a big ol' ball of disheartening lately. There was that whole lack of Black Widow toys thing, and that Saturday Night Live sketch about Marvel finally making a Black Widow film as a rom-com, which was both funny and depressing ("funnypressing"). And now, there's this leaked email from Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter to Sony CEO Michael Lynton, which was in a new WikiLeaks upload from the Sony hack:

From: "IP"
To: "Lynton, Michael"
Subject: Female Movies
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2014 05:32:50 -0400

Michael,
As we discussed on the phone, below are just a few examples. There are more.
Thanks,
Ike

1. Electra (Marvel) – Very bad idea and the end result was very, very bad. http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=elektra.htm

2. Catwoman (WB/DC) - Catwoman was one of the most important female character within the Batman franchise. This film
was a disaster. http://www.boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=catwoman.htm

3. Supergirl – (DC) Supergirl was one of the most important female super hero in Superman franchise. This Movie came out in 1984 and did $14 million total domestic with opening weekend of $5.5 million. Again, another disaster.

Best,
Ike

The foolishly hopeful part of me will say this: We don't have the context of the referenced phone call, and maybe it was about how all of these female superhero movies bombed for reasons like bad scripts or bad casting, and Marvel and Disney are now primed to make awesome, successful films starring female superheroes. If so, great job, guys! I'm glad you did your homework to make sure that you don't repeat the mistakes of these previous films.

But we're all pretty sure that's not the case, right?

"Ugh!" — Storm (via X-Men Movies)

Here's the thing that really bums me out about all of this: For a male-dominated industry, both in terms of creators and readers, Marvel Comics has been pretty female-friendly for years. I first started reading comic books back in the 90s specifically because the various X-Men titles featured dozens of badass-but-nuanced ladies who weren't just walking tits with telekinesis. There are dozens of women from the X-Men titles alone who could anchor their own films.

And the female characters in Marvel Comics have only been getting better, more diverse, and more interesting. The new Ms. Marvel is a Pakistani American teenager who's trying to balance super heroics with high school. Even heroes that were once just sexy jokes, like She Hulk, have transitioned into something much cooler. I picked up a few issues of the John Byrne-penned She-Hulk as a kid, and was treated to Jennifer not just being drawn as a scantily clad pinup, but to her breaking the fourth wall to make bad jokes with the writer. Now, there's a She-Hulk title that's primarily about Jennifer trying to start a struggling law practice. She kicks ass, but she's also vulnerable and human and funny. I know — in that brief explanation, it sounds like the Daredevil show on Netflix. But how goddamn good is that Daredevil show?!

If I can spend my life becoming the most dangerous woman in the galaxy, you can make at least one new female-fronted superhero movie. (via Marvel Entertainment)

I can only hope that if enough people say it, Sony, Disney, and Marvel will actually listen: Men and women alike want to see films with female heroes who kick ass and have real emotional story arcs, female heroes who aren't just sex symbols or supporting characters. We will see the movies, we will buy the merchandise, and we will say nice things. That is, as long as you don't fuck it up.