Season 5, Episode 5 - "Kill the Boy"

Yet another origin story of a boy who will constantly be trying to live up to his father's excellence.

"It's a baby attached to him!" https://t.co/rXP01cxwFc
— MLB (@MLB) May 11, 2015

HOLY S**T! Did I just see that???

Father of the Year Mike Capko will likely never have to tell his son to "not be afraid of the ball." The kid has already seen how easily you can barehand catch one that's speeding at you.

The Phillies fan and (I'm guessing) new ball boy caught the foul ball with one hand without batting an eye. I can't stop watching it. My own father would have taken a foul ball to the face for me, given the opportunity. But to possess this hand-eye coordination is too much to ask of most dads.

At The Loom, we know hot sex. We also know what it's like to be in a relationship that is at least six months old. Here are hottest real sex tips for couples comfortable enough to fart in front of each other.

1. Spice things up by trying it doggy style.

He'll love the view of the TV over your shoulder, and so will you. It's a Sunday night and The Good Wife is on!

2. Put a doughnut around his penis.

Then eat that doughnut and go relax with a good book. A doughnut is delicious, and you've earned a treat.

3. Role play as your younger, thinner selves.

Remember when you could eat entire bags of Chex Mix and your body metabolized it like a nice mixed greens salad? Close your eyes and pretend to be that free, sexy girl—the one you were before you started paying back your student loans. Let him role play as the version of himself that still believed his band might make it. Then watch those sparks fly.

4. Watch porn.

Separately.

5. Make him your slave.

By exchanging sex for household chores. Sure, you'll let him put it there…if he vacuums first.

6. Have sex instead of resolving a conflict.

Push aside your worries about your ultimate incompatibility and save that difficult conversation for later…eventually…someday.

7. Surprise him by getting a sexy wax treatment.

But don't bother shaving your legs. He's seen your legs. He doesn't really care. Probably.

8. Keep your top on.

He'll think it's mysterious. Plus, you had a big lunch.

9. Forget to tell him you're having your period.

He won't be grossed out, since he's the one who picked the Tampax up from the store for you.

10. Buy beautiful, seductive lingerie.

Wear it once, then put in the back of your drawer under your pajama pants.

Tom Washington got banned from Jet2 flights forever after dressing up like a lady flight attendant, waving a sex toy around and exposing himself to the crew. It was just a laugh!

Basically, Santacon on a plane.(via News.com.au)

When they're trapped in the cylindrical petri dish called a plane, all anyone wants to do is take an Ambien and say, "See you on the other side!" which is why I'm offended by this story. I don't care about men dressing up as women, though as a "joke" it's getting pretty dated. There's nothing particularly funny about a man in a wig, even if getting 23 dumb college boys to do it and match takes commitment.

I also don't care if someone waves a sex toy around as long as they haven't just pulled it out of themselves. And as to Tom Washington's tattoo...it's pretty funny:

He probably tells LOTS of lies. (via News.com.au)

Even though Washington seems too immature to ever become a real boy, he should know better than to expose himself to a flight of people who are just trying to get home. That's what boils my buttons! Traveling sucks enough without 23 frat boys providing drunk in-flight entertainment. Lemme sleep, brah, and just show your dick to your buddy.

Jet2 wasn't amused either. They let these dummies board, but once the wang started flying the cops got called and Tom Washington was asked to take a long walk off a short ramp back to the airplane terminal. His friends all had to chip in to get him on a different airline flight.

Would you be shocked–SHOCKED– to hear this isn't the first time Tom's been arrested/annoying/forced to pay for his shenanigoats? In December 2013, he also ran naked onto the pitch during a match in his native town of Grimsby, and was ordered to pay £605 ($1182) in fines and costs at Grimsby Magistrates' Court.

Hey, boys will be boys. And boys with dick tattoos will be boys who expose themselves at every opportunity.

A man drew a penis on a ballot and it counted as a vote.

Why make an X when you can draw an entire detailed penis? (via Thinkstock)

Instead of an "X," one voter drew penis on a Parliamentary ballot that ended up counting as a vote for Welsh MP Glyn Davies. In an interview with the South Wales Evening Post, Davies said "Amazingly, because it was neatly drawn within the confines of the box the returning officer deemed it a valid vote...Not sure the artist meant it to count, but I am grateful. If I knew who it was, I would like to thank him (or her) personally."

Sadly, we'll never know for sure whether the drawing was to protest the incumbent or simply to show off his/her (probably his) erotic art abilities. Davies would have won the election with or without the penis vote.

The voter may have been inspired by any number of popular penis artists, including wanksy and these ladies.

I never realized how much he says that word. Wow.

It's safe to say the Wilson brothers are national treasures. Owen, Luke, even Andrew. And if you need convincing of that fact, just watch this video. It's amazing. There's only one word I can say after watching this:

Jeepers.

Colin Hanks took to Instagram to talk about how "Star Wars" is letting down little girls, including his own.

So, the other night, on May the 4th to be exact, I sat down with my 4 year old daughter and showed her Star Wars: A New Hope. It was her first time watching it. She loved it. Her favorite character was Princess Leia. She kept asking "Where is Princess Leia? Where is Princes Leia?" A few nights later, I show her Empire Strikes Back (or as she called it "The Emperor stripes back) and within four minutes of watching the movie she says, "It's so tiring watching these movies. It's always boys, boys, boys and there's only one girl." I could not of been more proud of her. So today I take her to Toys "R" Us to buy her a light saber and a Princess Leia toy. After being told that the light sabers were "in the boys section", she picks out the light saber of her choosing and asks about the Princess Leia toy. One problem: they only had the "slave Leia". As you can see, sad depressing, "slave Leia". So wrong. The only good to come from this is that, once again, my daughter makes me look at the world in a whole new light. #HelpusJJyoureouronlyhope

A photo posted by Colin Hanks (@colinhanks) on May 9, 2015 at 6:06pm PDT

Colin Hanks is trying to take his dad, Tom Hanks, as the most beloved actor in America. Like Tom Hanks, Colin cares about helping kids, particularly girls, achieve their goals. This weekend he took to Instagram to talk about how sharing Star Wars with his daughter for the first time was an exciting, then disappointing experience. He wrote:

So, the other night, on May the 4th to be exact, I sat down with my 4 year old daughter and showed her Star Wars: A New Hope. It was her first time watching it. She loved it. Her favorite character was Princess Leia. She kept asking "Where is Princess Leia? Where is Princes Leia?" A few nights later, I show her Empire Strikes Back (or as she called it "The Emperor stripes back) and within four minutes of watching the movie she says, "It's so tiring watching these movies. It's always boys, boys, boys and there's only one girl." I could not of been more proud of her. So today I take her to Toys "R" Us to buy her a light saber and a Princess Leia toy. After being told that the light sabers were "in the boys section", she picks out the light saber of her choosing and asks about the Princess Leia toy. One problem: they only had the "slave Leia". As you can see, sad depressing, "slave Leia". So wrong. The only good to come from this is that, once again, my daughter makes me look at the world in a whole new light. #HelpusJJyoureouronlyhope

If only all the nerds out there who don't get why women are disappointed with the lack of powerful female figures in franchises like Star Wars or Marvel's Avengers could see what these movies look like through the eyes of a little girl. Might even put them off "playing" with Slave Leia for awhile.

Mariah Carey is someone who can make eating her own shoe look like a Diva banquet.

You're my butterfly, sugar, baby.(via TMZ)

Thank you, Mariah, for being the icon of ostentatious femininity. You inspire me to soar to greater heights than my voice can handle at karaoke. You push me to wear push-up bras. You make me understand that if you're gonna have a gold, shoe-shaped cake, it better be sprinkled with some real, edible gold. Bless you and a Happy Belated Mother's Day.

Side view of this thing being served on a plate of JEWELS.(via TMZ)

In case you need a reminder about how hard this lady brings the camp, BOW DOWN:

An elderly man in suburban Philadelphia lost his housing subsidy when officials found a prostitute under his bed.

Dramatization.(stock photo)

This guy may have lost his home, but I have a feeling he'll be OK. He's clearly crafty and has a lot of energy left in him.

The Intelligencer reports that the man, believed to be in his 70s, was living in subsidized housing, but had some money coming in on the side. According to Montgomery County CFO Uri Monson, he was a "more mobile gentleman" who would make booze runs for his fellow residents. Then he used the profits to pay prostitutes. That's how he was discovered with a prostitute hidden under his bed, and kicked out.

I know he did wrong, but I feel for this guy. I hope he lands on his feet, or at least avoids landing on a prostitute.

Shannon must have made some sort of pact with the Devil to do this.

On Monday night, a woman walked away from Wheel of Fortune with $86,368, two half-cars (I assume they make one whole car?) and a trip to Italy. We may be spoiled by Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, but that is one of the highest non-jackpot totals in the show's history.

The clip above is amazing, not just because of she makes bank, but because she rips through clues like tissue paper. The way she nails that last one is tres magnifique. Shannon's been training for this her whole life and she KILLED IT. Gotta give a shout-out to her co-competitors for gamely applauding being completely shut out from the game:

"I'm gonna clap for this woman until my hands fall off."(screenshot via Sony Pictures)

Follow your dreams! Some day I WILL get to be on Supermarket Sweep. Running like a maniac through the A&P every weekend has got to have a pay-off.

After seeking a $60 credit on her phone bill, she ended up with a $60,000 hospital bill.

"Oh, Delta had you on hold for 45 whole minutes? That's a shame." (via Thinkstock)

Angela Hawkins of Chesapeake, Virginia, can top any customer service horror story. After a disastrous call to Verizon's customer service center, she had a heart attack. For real. Now, she is suing for $2.35 million.

Hawkins originally called Verizon about a promised $60 credit. She had not seen this credit she was promised months ago, and tried to find out why. Hawkins claims she was treated very rudely over the phone for 20 minutes, then asked to speak to a supervisor. So far, a typical interaction with a Verizon employee, except Hawkins maintains she did not raise her voice or threaten anyone during the call, saying she's "not that type of person." If someone can keep their cool while on the phone with Verizon, that makes them a living saint.

When the supervisor gets on the line, he accuses Hawkins of threatening to kill the employee and everyone else in the call center. Hawkins, a 52-year-old, 4-foot-10 woman with high cholesterol, was shocked as the supervisor claimed he was calling the police. Hawkins hung up and collapsed on her couch. Hawkins' attorney, Jeffrey Brooke claims, "She had visions of SWAT guys breaking her door down and putting her in leg shackles." Why shouldn't she think that? This is America. The SWAT team probably have a leg shackle cannon they've been itching to try.

Hawkins went in for medical treatment the next day, and an EKG revealed she had a heart attack the day before. Hawkins now owes $60,000 for the hospital stay. She previously had no other heart ailments, but now she has to take medication for the rest of her life—totaling near $120,000.

Hawkins did receive a call two hours later from the Verizon call center supervisor, apologizing for his "miscommunication," but she did not receive her $60 credit. She certainly deserves a lot more than that.

Khaleecé, Mother of Grammies.(photo via Getty)

In an interview withHarper's Bazaar, Emilia Clarke (who plays teenage dragon mom Daenerys Targaryen on Game of Thrones) talked about trying to steal one of the "really fucking heavy" dragon egg props from the set to no avail:

"Apparently Jay Z bought one for Beyoncé, or something," she laughs. "I don't know."

So now the most powerful woman in the world also has a dragon (or something).

I don't know how much he paid, but you can find some pretty decent ones on Etsy for $25:

They'll either grow into dragons or pine trees.(photo via Etsy)

You can also get this dragon egg paper weight (for whatever asshole you know who uses paper weights) for under $50:

No one will dare reshuffle your stupid papers.(photo via HBO)

But this one is clearly the best because instead of a gross dragon fetus it has fucking cookies inside it:

A+ pun.(photo via ThinkGeek)

John Keefe's request for the license plate "LGBTALY" was denied because it "carries a sexual connotation."

Dr. John Keefe II is a chiropractor from Oklahoma. He found himself butting heads with his state's government over his attempt to make a statement for human rights, and now he's taking them to court. He says the state is infringing on his right to free speech.

Keefe is married with two kids, and is a passionate supporter of LGBT rights, partially because he has a lesbian sister. He decided to show his support by getting a vanity license plate for his car, and because he is an LGBT ally, he settled on "LGBTALY." Very literal. He submitted his application to the Oklahoma Tax Commission in December and waited. And waited. So much time passed that he figured his form had been lost, but it hadn't. He eventually got a response from the tax commission denying his request because his plate "carries a sexual connotation."

Keefe was upset. He considered this position very unfair, so he filed an open records request to the tax commission for a list of rejected and approved license plates. That request, which the commission must grant under Oklahoma law, was totally ignored, despite being sent twice via certified mail. That's when Keefe decided to sue.

John Keefe.(via News on 6)

He believes that a list of which plates were and weren't accepted would support his claim that the decision was based on prejudice against the LGBT community. Based on the fact they won't give it to him, it sounds like the tax commission feels the same way. Of course, technically they're right that "LGBTALY" has a sexual connotation, according to the dictionary definition of "sexual" of "related to sexuality." Keefe and his lawyer, however, don't think anyone pored over a dictionary to make this decision. And the American Civil Liberties Union has their back.

The ACLU says that license plates exist in Oklahoma that read "STR8SXI" and "STR8FAN." And on Sunday, somebody took a picture of an Oklahoma plate reading "SEXYQT." So it seems like the tax commission is fine with plates being sexual as long as they're heterosexual.

These are totally fine.(via News on 6)

A hearing with the tax commission will be held in June. If you agree strongly with John Keefe, there is an online petition to get the tax commission to overturn its decision and let him have the plate. As of press time, it has more than 400 signatures.

Maybe calling attention to this story will force Oklahoma to change its position. Everybody notices when states pass so-called "religious freedom" laws that discriminate against the LGBT community, but institutionalized prejudice doesn't always come down to the letter of the law. Sometimes, vaguely worded policies like this one are used by those in power to institute a bigoted double standard. Offenses like these can go on for years without being noticed. It's only when someone raises a big fuss over what may seem like a small issue that real change can begin.

A Canadian woman who did not even know she was pregnant gave birth on an international flight on Mother's Day.

Baby on a plane. (via Facebook)

Finally, the crossover we've all been waiting for: I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant meets Airplane!

Ada Guan was unaware she was 37 weeks pregnant when she boarded a flight from Calgary, Canada, to Tokyo, Japan with her boyfriend Wesley Branch on Sunday. In an ironic twist of Mother's Day fate, Guan disembarked that flight as a brand new mother.

Guan told Global News she'd been having stomach discomfort recently, however both a home pregnancy test and a doctor visit came back negative (get a new doctor, guys). Which meant it was a pretty big shock when Guan felt ill on the flight and told Branch, "Something fell out of me." SOMETHING = BABY.

Branch said, "I lifted up her pants and I saw a head and then I heard, 'Waah!' I thought, 'Oh my god, I think we have a kid.'" Yep, you have a kid now. A sneaky kid who somehow orchestrated her own stealth gestation. Keep an eye on this one.

Three doctors on board the flight helped deliver their baby girl, who the couple named Chloe, and both mother and baby are doing well.

I've never been afraid of flying but I think I've just developed a new fear of boarding a flight a regular lady and exiting with a baby. Or I'm just going to write it as the first scene of a romantic comedy. I can hear one of the Wilson brothers saying "I saw a head and heard 'WAAAH!'"

Join me in hell or read the description below.

Japanese gameshows. Do you know how much American blogs write about you? What I'm asking is, did you see into my brain somehow and perfectly devised the exact scenario in which I would be compelled to watch a clip of my personal nightmare brought to life?

Presumably there's dozens, maybe hundreds, of people involved in the making of Japanese gameshows, from concept to execution. I don't know who to blame for this. I knew who to blame that time I found a cockroach in my pancake. I knew who to blame when my cat chased a water bug into my bed. I knew who to blame when I stepped on a slug in my bare feet. WHO DID THIS?!

If you don't want to watch the clip: they blow a roach back and forth through that tube in a panic and eventually it shoots right down the girl on the right's throat. She looks grossed out, but also liberated, because the worst has happened.

1. Tom Brady Suspended—No Cheating For Four Games

The NFL has decided to suspend New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady for four games and fine his Super Bowl-winning team $1 million for breaking league policy prohibiting players from getting caught cheating.

Tom Brady just offered a solemn and apologetic jerking-off gesture.

— Brian Boone (@brianadamsboone) May 12, 2015

2. George Zimmerman Will Live To Be In A Shooting Incident Again Someday

Professional vigilante George Zimmerman suffered only minor injuries to his face during a shooting incident yesterday in Florida. The shooter contends that he "had to shoot at" Zimmerman, whom he told authorities was threatening him. I don't know. Doesn't sound like the George Zimmerman we know.

George Zimmerman never would've been shot if he had been carrying a PRISON SENTENCE FOR MURDERING SOMEONE

— Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 12, 2015

3. It's A Good Thing An Actual God's Not Here To See All These Americans Becoming Atheists

Fewer Americans are identifying themselves as Christian than any other time in the nation's history, according to a survey by the Pew Research Center. Only 71 percent of U.S. adults were found to be Christian in 2014, down eight percentage points from seven years earlier. In fact, those whom the poll lists as "unaffiliated"—a group which includes atheists, agnostics and people who can't be bothered to even consider the question—is currently greater than the number of Catholics in the country.

I make sure I say "gesundheit" to my dog when he sneezes because he's an atheist and I respect him.

— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) April 18, 2015

4. U.S. To Get Cuba's Anti-Cancer Vaccine Along With Its Pro-Cancer Cigars

Now that the United States is opening up relations with Cuba for the first time in five decades, Americans will not only get to enjoy the tropical country's overrated tobacco products, but they will also for the first time have access to a therapeutic vaccine against lung cancer that seems like it might actually work. "The chance to evaluate a vaccine like this is a very exciting prospect," Candace Johnson, CEO of the Roswell Park Cancer Institute in Buffalo, New York told Wired. And the chance to disprove it, thus crushing the hopes and dreams of millions of people is obviously even more exciting.

imagine the future: a cure for aging, a cancer vaccine, dogs driving trucks, no poverty, dogs in hats, free education, dogs on skateboards,

— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 8, 2015

5. Colorado Republicans Decide They'd Rather Have Aborted Babies Than Sex-Having Ladies

Colorado's Republican-controlled congress is discontinuing a program that provided low-income women with free IUD birth control devices and significantly lowered the state's rates for both teen births and abortions. "We're providing this long-term birth control and telling girls, 'You don't have to worry. You're covered.' That does allow a lot of young ladies to go out there and look for love in all the wrong places," Rep. Kathleen Conti said of her decision to keep as much danger as possible in the act of sex.

Careful, Republicans. Making abortion illegal is just a slippery slope toward caring about actual children.

— Clarke Kant (@clarkekant) June 26, 2013

74-year-old cat fancier claims the first birth of the litter keeps growing more "dog-like."

One of these things is not a kitten. (via Thinkstock)

Jia Weinuan is an animal lover with a hell of a riddle on his hands. Jia had bred his pet American shorthair cat with another American shorthair owned by a friend, and somehow, a Chihuahua puppy came out.

At home, Jia and his partner care for two pet cats and five pet dogs. Jia's dogs are all female and none of them are Chihuahuas, so that rules them out of the puppy paternity puzzle. Jia also maintains the virtue of his momma cat Niuniu, claiming she is a "good cat" who doesn't "do bad things without us knowing." Jia adds that Niuniu "rarely leaves the house so she would not be meeting with strange dogs outside." Believe what you want, Jia, but that doesn't change the fact a puppy-thing came out of your cat. Niuniu is obviously not telling you something.

When the mystery cat-puppy was first born, it took a while for Jia and his partner to notice that the newborn animal looked more like a dog than its siblings. After a month, this strange beast now looks like a small Chihuahua, except with kitten paws, according to Jia. Its also much smarter than its siblings, getting milk before the other, not-dog kittens.

Jia is still searching for answers, but I think the answer is obvious: this thing is a mutant. It's an adorable cat that looks like a puppy and is smart like a dog. It's independent, yet loyal. Relaxed, yet active. Aloof, but friendly. If you would like to see photos of this new Chinese superpet, check out the article in The Daily Mail Online.